Categories
Dating/Courting

4 Common Mistakes Made in Dating Relationships

I have found that when it comes to relationships, and how they look and function in the church world today, they often look just like the outside world’s model. Many times Christian couples are engaging in relationships that are no different from the world. Why?
It could stem from some people’s beliefs that the Bible is “old fashioned,” and that it doesn’t really have anything relevant to say about relationships in the 21st century. Whatever the case may be, I believe that the structure of dating relationships within the church today need to change.
Here are 4 Common Mistakes that Christian couples need to avoid when starting their relationship journey.
1. Having NO authority
In most modern dating relationships, we find that there isn’t a trace of any authority whatsoever within the relationship. This means that there is a lack of, not only parental authority, but of spiritual authority as well.
These relationships have no protection, no covering, and no support from the outside. In other words, nobody knows what’s going on in this relationship except the two people involved.
In order to do relationships God’s way, there needs to be guidance and direction from authorities who know each party very well, who can help you walk down this path successfully.
2. Having NO boundaries
Couples who have no boundaries are setting themselves up for serious trouble. The need is not only for physical boundaries, but for emotional and mental limits, as well. These are protective barriers that keep us from getting hurt, or from falling into a sin that we will regret later.
3. Having NO purpose
Relationships that have no purpose lead people to play with the others’ emotions and body, when they have no right to do so.
There should be a clear-cut reason for why you’re in any relationship that you are in; and it needs to be more than, “I think she’s hot, or we enjoy spending time together.” Develop a purpose that will serve as the launching pad for your relationship. This will keep you grounded and stable for the future, because you can always come back to this foundational purpose.
4. Having NO vision
Relationships that have no purpose are relationships that have no vision. In other words, they don’t know where they are going, nor do they know how it will look when they get there.
Where is your relationship heading? If it isn’t toward marriage, then why are you in the relationship? Again, having a healthy involvement of authority can help make sure that your relationship is staying on track, and that you’re not wasting your time.

Categories
Marriage Parenting

Having Kids: Your Plan Vs. God's Plan

When my husband and I first got married, we thought for sure we would wait to have kids. We wanted to enjoy our time together with just the two of us before we jumped into parenting.
Also, we definitely wanted to establish some things in life like: schooling, jobs, finances, setting a good foundation in the first few years of marriage, buying a house, getting a new car and the list went on and on. We really just wanted to get a handle on how to live and love as a new married couple before we threw children in the mix.
 
However, let me just tell you God had other plans! Three months into our “five-year-plan” I got pregnant. I was quite shocked when the pregnancy test read positive and I really had to rethink who God was in my life, and in my marriage.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I understood children were a blessing & reward from God, but I was barely acquainted with becoming a wife when I had to learn how to become a mother as well. It was quite daunting to think about, but God never once left my husband and I in the wilderness to figure this out on our own.
No matter what “plan” you have for having children, you really are not in control.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16 NIV)
 
I am thankful I figured this out during my first pregnancy because seven months after my first daughter was born I became pregnant with our second. Neither were perfectly calculated into our calendars or careers, yet God still had a perfect plan for our family.
No matter how tough the finances looked, no matter how long the sleepless nights were, and no matter how much we doubted ourselves, God provided every last thing we needed.
Sometimes it is worth letting go of the reigns and letting God take control. He really does know what He is doing even when we don’t.
My advice and prayer for you is this: If you are newly married and entering parenthood around the same time, remember God’s grace is sufficient.
It is not easy taking on two tasks at once but your faith will be made stronger for doing so. From reading scripture, and personal experience, God will never abandon you no matter how impossible things look. Have faith that God has a plan for your marriage and for the new child you inherited.
It really does not matter when you “plan” to have children, you are never as ready you want to be. Trust that God is in control and in His perfect timing all things will come to pass.

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Home

Husbands, What Your Wife Needs You To Be Able To Do

Husbands, I get it.
 
She has been nagging you day in and day out. You are sick and tired of being huff and puffed at, told what to do, hearing her vent, being scolded, given dirty looks and rolled eyes, asked to help around the house after a full day of work, and especially being told “no” to intimacy.
No matter how many times you tell her you love her, or go above and beyond to make her happy, she focuses the 1 ‘wrong’ out of 100 ‘rights.’ All of your attempts to show her love are shut down because she thinks that “making love” is your hidden agenda.
Any ounce of patience that you had left disappeared when she told you those infamous words, “you just don’t understand.”
 
You are drained. Annoyed. Angry. Upset. Confused. Trust me, I understand.
 
The only desire you have is to be close to her in mind, body and spirit. To be ‘one’ in unity. To hold her. To love her. To please her. To make her smile and laugh. You just don’t know how. Well, take a second to listen from the perspective of experience.
 
Slow down. Relax. Clear your mind. Focus.
 
It is our responsibility as men to approach our wives with grace and understanding, no justifications. There are no conditional clauses in scripture, in regards to our relationships with our wives. (i.e. Peter 3:7. “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”)
 
As the man and leader of your home, show her grace for the 1,000,004th time. Sincerely apologize over and over again, change your character, refine your integrity, and speak her love language. Again…and again…and again. Act like the man you promised to be in your wedding vows, and be the warrior she needs you to be.
 
1. She needs you to be strong when she can’t.
2. She needs you to talk kindly to her when she is harsh with her words.
3. She needs you to wash those dishes, pick up those clothes, put that toilet seat down, turn off that light, make that bed, and then kiss her good night.
4. She needs you to love her when it is hard.
 
Be willing to lose the battle, so you can win the war and finally have that Godly marriage you both desire.
 
After all, how many times has your Heavenly Father asked to spend time with you and you’ve ignored him, huffed and puffed, or rolled your eyes? How many times has He wanted to talk to you, but you just wanted to vent?
How many times has he done 100 amazing things in your life, but you tell Him about the 1 thing you are ticked off about. And how many times has he asked to be spiritually intimate, and you’ve told him no?
 
Yet, He shows you grace, He understands, and He loves you. He ‘lost’ that battle for us, knowing it would win the war. 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Ask Dr. Faith | The Maker and Breaker of a Relationship

The number one thing that destroys relationships is unmet expectations, many couples begin dating and even get married assuming their spouse knows what they need and how to fulfill those needs. As I always tell couples, “the other person is not a mind reader” you will get out of your relationship what you put into it.
It is very important at the beginning of the relationship to express your expectations and for your partner to as well, if you feel that your partner’s expectations are too much, you can then decide if this is a relationship you want to invest your time in.
Below are some expectations that need to be discussed early on in the relationship so that you guys are on the same page.
 1. How often you will communicate
Some individuals enjoy talking all day, every day while others need a couple days rest and then connect again. Often times this is based on personality as well as schedule, in the early phases of relationship the euphoria makes one feel invincible, but after a month or so, most people realize they still have a life to live and cannot be up day and night talking on the phone. Set clear expectations about how often you would like to communicate and when.
 
2. How often you will see each other and where
Just as in phone communication One person may need more quality time than another, this is something that needs to be revisited as seasons change as well.
Never assume you know your partner 100 percent, their needs change as seasons change. Discuss how often you will see each other and even where.
 
3. Relationship with family and friends
When people come from different backgrounds they may have a difficult time understanding each other’s expectations around family and friends.
Discuss how you expect the other to relate to your family and friends and vice a verse. Be willing to learn the other person’s culture and background. Do not be afraid to share what you do not understand or concerns you may have.
4. Expectations about the dating/courtship process
This is so important, after you have decided to pursue each other in courtship for the purpose of marriage. That initial conversion needs to include how long the courtship will be, the steps you will take to get to marriage and each person’s role.
Once again seek council from people who have walked this road before as well as mentors. Don’t just assume that the steps you guys have decided on well work for both of you. Work hard to be in agreement about the process and the steps that need to take place.
Clear expectations clear up confusion, and allow each person to feel safe in the relationship because they now the other person has their best interest in mind.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

25 Ways Other than Dating to Prepare For Marriage

After about 6 months of being married, I realized something that I pray every unmarried person will take very serious.  Every second I spent before I said I do, was preparation for marriage.  All the things I accomplished and all the things I failed to do contributed to my present day marriage.  Before I married, I was a huge proponent for preparing for marriage. But now that I am married, I cannot stress how important it is to prepare for the covenant that changes everything.
When I teach on this, the first response is, “Well, I don’t have anyone to date to prepare for marriage.” Dating is not the only way to prepare for marriage and also can be very dangerous if not done God’s way.

Here are a 25 ways to prepare for marriage other than dating.

  1.  Healthy friendships with the opposite sex.
  2. Get a roommate.  (same sex)
  3. Spend time with a married couple that inspires you to be married.
  4. Learn how to cook. (Poor eating habits are very unattractive and destructive to yourself.)
  5. Establish the foundation of God’s purpose for your life.
  6. Read books on marriage.
  7. Attend conferences on preparing for marriage and relationships.
  8. Identify your strengths and weaknesses in relationships.
  9. Establish a consistent prayer & devotional life.
  10. Get financial intelligence.
  11. Go to college.
  12. Examine the good and bad of your parent’s marriage.
  13. Serve at your local church.
  14. Learn how to deal with conflict with your friends.
  15. Go on a mission trip to another country with a team.
  16. Take faith risks for God to break fear and learn obedience.
  17. Examine all your failed friendships and see why things went sour.
  18. Keep your home/room/closet/car clean. (No one wants a dirty spouse)
  19. Get a hobby.
  20. Become a glass house for your close friends. (Transparency as a normal part of your life.)
  21. Ask your “real” friends what are areas of your character need development every 3-6 months.
  22. Learn when to say yes, and when to say NO. (self control)
  23. Work hard. (if you don’t want to marry a lazy person, then don’t be lazy yourself)
  24. Develop a healthy lifestyle.
  25. Get a biblical understanding of the role of a husband and wife in a Godly marriage.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

3 Things I've Learned Since Being Married

I have been married for almost 5 months now. In this short time frame, I have learned a lot about my husband, my marriage, and myself. I want to share the top three things I’ve learned and am still learning everyday since being married with hopes of it helping you in your marriage or future marriage as well.
1. Communication. Communication. Communication.
This is very cliché but a very important aspect of marriage that we can’t ignore. We MUST communicate. First, I’ve learned to communicate about everything, even the things I may find trivial. From how our day was to our deepest fears and desires, we should communicate it with our spouse.
Secondly, I have learned we definitely have to communicate about our emotions and feelings. We can’t expect our spouse to know how we feel unless we express it to him/her. I mean your husband isn’t a mind reader. When something is wrong, say so.
Don’t make him guess and assume. The issue will never be resolved if it isn’t brought to the table. Most importantly, I have learned we must communicate respectfully and with love especially during times of conflict and disagreement
2. Comparison Kills.
It is so easy to compare our marriage with another couple’s marriage, especially due to social media. We see snippets of the good in another marriage, and we begin to think that they have the perfect marriage and perfect life together.
We think that they have a great marriage, and it very well might be, but we only see the good. Most people won’t air their dirty laundry on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. We don’t know the struggles that they are facing behind closed doors.
We just see that her husband surprised her with a dozen roses or a weekend getaway, and then we begin to wish our husband was more like him. I’ve learned comparing your marriage to someone else’s will rob you from experiencing the beauty in your own.
3. Choose your battles. Forgive Often & Quickly.
I’ve learned everything doesn’t need to end in an argument. You shouldn’t be mad everyday because you haven’t gotten over something he did a week ago. God gives us grace and mercy daily. We should extend that same grace and mercy to our spouse, whether we feel he deserves it or not. Holding on to that grudge will hurt you more than it will hurt your spouse.
Not forgiving your spouse leads to resentment, anger, and bitterness. Love is a choice. Forgiveness is a choice. Choose love. Choose to forgive. Let go. Give it to God. He can fix the situation better than we can. And remember praying will bring about the change you want to see faster than nagging ever can.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Isolation: The Devil's Trap for Men

As we look at this generation, it is simply AMAZING to see all the connectivity that is happening every single day! You can literally be connected to people all across the world each and every day, thanks to the great invention of social media.
Before I move forward, please understand I am NOT bashing social media. I thoroughly enjoy the benefits of social media more than most because it allows me to share my story with the world. It lets the world see what God is doing in my life every day.
However, some time back, I had to embrace a harsh reality in my own life. Please allow me to be completely transparent, as I believe this will bring hope and healing to many men reading this article. The reality for me was this simple, but disturbing fact: I did not know how to genuinely “be” in real relationships with people.
I mean, think about it. Some would see me and see (through social media) that I am somewhat well known in certain parts of the country. With that being said, I realized that a lot of people knew of me or knew about me but nobody really KNEW me.
This may sound somewhat generic to you, seeing as how most of our social media followers do not really KNOW us either. For me however, it was a little deeper than that. The people that are supposed to be closest to me knew me to an extent, but I couldn’t honestly say that they really KNEW me. The type of relationship I am referring to is the Jonathan and David relationship. This particular relationship is the type that exposes itself to each other.
The Bible explains that when these two made a covenant/commitment to each other, Jonathan began to take off all of his clothes and give them to David because he “loved him like he loved himself.” Jonathan exposed himself to David as he became vulnerable after the covenant. As a  man, do you have anyone that you are in covenant with and can expose yourself to?
Singleness is a time of preparation for when God does actually bring a helpmate into your life. So right now, during your singleness, do you allow anybody to really KNOW you? Are you waiting on God to bring that woman into your life so that she can be the one to KNOW you? Being vulnerable and exposed is a discipline and a practice.
If you do not have that in your life now, what makes you think you will have it when you are in a committed relationship? In fact, I would caution any woman getting in a relationship with a man to examine his relationships with leadership and with other men. Does anybody really KNOW him? Men, women should not be the only ones that really KNOW us.
My encouragement for men in this article is that you would come out of that cave and allow other people in your life to KNOW you. Not the social media you, but the real you with flaws and mistakes. Endure this process now before you enter a relationship with a woman.
Does anybody have the right or position to speak into your life, discipline you, or correct you? My prayer is that when your season comes, and God sends a woman to be in covenant with you, that you will be able to be intimate and vulnerable with them because you have already experienced real intimacy with leaders and brothers before that moment. Expose yourself today and allow somebody to really KNOW you.

Categories
Home

The Power In Comparing Yourself to Jesus in Your Marriage

 
Husbands, don’t compare yourself to Ryan Gosling’s character in The Notebook. Don’t compare yourself to your father; and especially don’t compare yourself to Don Draper in Mad Men, because the one thing that this group, which includes myself, has in common is that we all fall short as husbands in comparison to the Bridegroom: Jesus Christ.
It doesn’t matter how good or how bad you look when comparing yourself to one of the aforementioned husbands, because when you look at how Jesus loves His bride, you realize that we are all equally unworthy of admiration.
In the book of Ephesians, Paul told the husbands in Ephesus to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”1
I believe that as husbands we love our wives, and I’m sure we would give up our lives for them. But as romantic as this pledge of laying down your life for your wife sounds, the act of giving yourself up for your bride begins much sooner.
You don’t just tell your wife that you’ll lay down your life for her during your wedding day, but you prove it to her the day after your wedding day, and until the last day you are together. But what does giving yourself up look like?
When wondering what it looks like to “give [yourselfup for her,” look to Christ. Jesus was someone who spoke of his love for people, but he also proved his love for them. We see this when we read that Jesus “came not to be served, but to serve.”2
Husbands, are you a servant? Or do you expect to be served? If the latter, may I suggest looking to the humbleness of Christ. He is God, but out of love for His people, he humbled himself and served them. He went as far as washing their feet! And this was at a time when sweat resistant socks and Nike’s were not available. And here I am, struggling to rub my wife’s feet. If you are honest with yourself, you will see how miserably you have failed. You may have done some good, and for that I encourage you to continue, but husbands, we are all a work in progress. We all fall short of Christ’s example.
So what do we do; do we sit around drowning in a sea of our own self-loathing because we failed as husbands? Of course not! The great thing about Jesus is that because he loves his bride, He gave Himself up for her, and He bought her back from her old master (Sin and Death).
Husbands, we are Christ’s bride, and we are seeing daily how Jesus is a greater husband than we are. In light of this freeing knowledge, the first thing we should do is repent. We repent before the Lord and before our spouse for failing to live up to the call of Ephesians 5:25. After a time of repentance, have a conversation with your spouse. Ask her how she would like to be served, and hopefully you will find ways to serve. It can be washing the dishes, or in my case, even rubbing her feet. Giving up your life for your spouse begins with the little things in life.
When we seek to compare ourselves to someone, that someone should always be Christ. Looking at his life will convict us, motivate us, and will compel us to change. Through that process, your marriage will see growth, Christ will be glorified, and the Gospel will be exemplified. May we continue running this race with endurance for the glory of God, and for the good of our marriages. Soli Deo Gloria.

About the Author:

Eddie Mercado is a Pre-Seminary student at Kuyper College. He serves his church as a worship director, where he leads the local church in worshiping the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost through song. Him and his wife, Hillary, are expecting a child this September. They reside in Grand Rapids, MI.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

How To Determine if the Relationship is Going No Where

 
Would you invest your time, energy or finances into a college program for 2 years knowing you will not be awarded a degree or any form of official certification in the end?  Would you agree to consistently pay a car note every month for 3 years and at the end of paying the full cost of the car you have to return it to the dealership?
If not, why would you invest your time, energy and finances into a relationship that has no potential to go any where? It is imperative that you define every friendship, relationship or potential relationship before entering into it. Defining your relationships early will determine if the relationship is worth pursuing or entertaining.
If your relationships are undefined you risk the possibility of not receiving what you need.   There will be excessive confusion, miscommunication, and the relationship will most likely not grow or evolve into anything more than what it started out to be.
When relationships are undefined there is no clear agreement between the two persons involved of what is to be expected in the relationship or what are the needs of each person. In this case assumption becomes the foundation of the relationship and one or both people involved at some point becomes hurt or offended due to the lack of defining what they need or expect in the relationship. So how do you successfully define your relationships? Defining your relationship requires communication and for you to ask the right questions. Some key questions to ask are as follows:
“What do you expect out of this relationship?”
“What are your expectations of me?”
“Where would you like to see this relationship go?”
“How were your past relationships?”
“Who are you accountable to?”
“Are you willing to be transparent with me?”
“What are your goals?”
“What are some things that are important to you?”
“How is your commitment level?”
“What are some of your main responsibilities?”
“How is your relationship with God?”
“What are you strengths and weaknesses?”
 
If you or the other person believes these questions are too invasive, it is a clear indicator you are not ready to handle a relationship. Relationships are meant to be open and transparent. Without honesty, openness and transparency the relationship will never grow or mature. Asking these or similar questions will reveal the heart of the person and their intentions of wanting to pursue you. These questions are important factors in determining if you or the other person have the capacity to entertain a relationship with one another.
If one person in the relationship is not ready for a commitment, asking these questions will expose this issue. It will reveal the posture of their heart concerning relationships and whether or not they are ready and serious about pursuing you. After asking these series of questions (the determination stage is not limited to these few questions) it is important to not make plans to try to “fix” the other person, coach them into agreeing to be committed to you or proceed into a relationship when red flags are present.
 
Attempting to move forward in a relationship where it is clear that the other person is not ready for a commitment is unwise and a sure indicator the relationship will end in disappointment. It is unhealthy to assume if you invest time, energy, finances or put ‘work” into a person they will become ready.  Investing in a relationship with a man or woman who clearly shows signs of not being able to commit or are not interested in anything long term with you is like leasing and investing in a car and at the end of the agreement sending it back to the dealership to be purchased by someone else.
It is a waste of money and time and in the end you start back at square one. Just because you invest in someone does not mean they will grow to love, value, and honor or want to marry you. Asking key questions early on will determine if the person is close to or already positioned to offer you these things. It will always be your choice of whether or not you want to invest in a dead end relationship.
Choose Wisely!
 

Categories
Finances Marriage

5 Ground Rules for Money Management

From the desk of the Modern Day Cindi:
One of the core values of a healthy marriage should include healthy finances. Even more importantly, although the marital bed should be kept warm and undefiled, it can indeed become cold, unsafe and distant—the space between spouses during times of financial unrest can feel like a deep, dark, bleak abyss.
Of course, the coolness of the mattress can happen for several reasons, but studies have shown that increasing distance between spouses is often due to the misunderstanding or misalignment of goals and/or intentions of how to manage current and future uses of money in the household. And this, by far, could be one of the worst things that could happen in the marital bed.
When I first got married, money was consistently at the center of most discussions. Whether in agreement or working through differing views, the discussion of finances never went away…in fact, the conversations became more and more detailed as each of us had to peel back layers of who we were to come to a common understanding that created a workable foundation.
During those communications, I learned that it was important to set ground rules so that the frustration around the money pot would not taint the sweetness of the honey pot. Here are a few of those ground rules:
Ground Rule #1: Transparency is key
Have open and honest communication. No Secrets! Be honest about your past and current state financially including salary/income, number of bills, outstanding debt, etc.
Ground Rule #2: Create a safe space
the environment should be such that it is easier to discuss finances and possible past mismanagement so that neither or either spouse feels condemned, judged, or alone.
Ground Rule #3:  Never stop communicating
Have the hard conversations, not only the easy ones, but the tough ones as well. These talks should occur frequently and early on in the relationship.
Ground Rule #4: Establish roles and responsibilities early-
lean on the stronger partner. For purposes of this discussion, stronger does not mean better or more dominant, it just means the person who is more equipped. If you are that spouse, be able to give without regret or retreat. In the event neither is capable, it is wise to enlist the help of a financial advisor, especially to manage the collective goals of the household.
Remember, the collective goals should also align with individual goals because a house divided against itself cannot stand.
Ground Rule #5: Have a game plan and revisit it often.
It is not enough to have good intentions, but it is best to create a plan together and work on it as a team (this includes prioritization of uses of money and paying off debt). Make the discussions fun and be realistic about the goals that are set. Establish milestones and designate celebrations for reaching goals.
Final thoughts: Our past and everything that was attached to it (and us) comes up when we get married—Our finances, financial practices and preferences, as well as our personalities including pride, rebellion, insecurity, lack of prioritization, being disorganized, family teachings, etc. are not exempt.
Know this: Management of finances can reflect who you are, where you are from, and what you value. Therefore, as a commitment to the marital covenant, value, protect and nurture this part of the marriage as an equally important component of establishing a partnership pleasing unto God. And again remember, a house divided against itself cannot stand.