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“It won’t be that easy” God whispered after I literally exhausted my last option for a relationship. He said it loud and clear on March 31st 2011 around 5pm, while I laid in the floor of my dorm room. Yes, I remember the day and time like it was yesterday. My desperation for a relationship lead me to a point where I was willing to settle for someone I had avoided for years.
After finally surrendering my relationship status to God (well surrendering the guy I knew I wasn’t suppose to be with), I expected for my dream guy to waltz in my life. You know? I was finally ready for the man God had for me, or so I thought.
I later learned why it wouldn’t be that easy. Before God could send me my prince, I had to be whole! Problem with some people, myself included, is that we don’t take the time necessary to heal from previous wounds, engage in self-exploration, or fall madly in love with Christ before pursuing another relationship. Instead we change the bandages on our wounds hoping to present ourselves as “brand new”.
I now appreciate God’s gentle whisper, “It wont be that easy” as it forced me to do all of the above stated (fall in love with him, examine my heart and motives, as well as heal from previous relational wounds). Ironically so, I now date the same individual I attempted to “settle” with year’s prior. Had he been given to me during the time that I thought I was “ready”, I would have ruined a relationship destined for greatness due to the lack of value I saw in him!
It’s amazing how God works when we surrender our will to his! No lie, (yes, no lie), God always brings things full circle. To this day, I am amazed at how the one I once ONLY desired to settle with, has become a manifestation of my prayers!
Here’s a bit of advice, don’t become angry that “love” hasn’t found it’s way to you as quickly as you’d hoped. Instead, in your time of waiting, ensure you have the capacity to sustain the relationship your heart so desires! That way, when it does find you, you’ll never let go!
XOXO,
Shan
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Is He or She the One?
co-authored with Culus Williams
Many singles find themselves feeling helpless in their waiting period. They find themselves wondering, “What can I do to help myself?” I wrote an article last month, encouraging singles to “Position Yourself to be Found” Check out the article here: https://53722c5514.nxcli.net/position-yourself-to-be-found/
Are you in the position, “What happens next?” You are now a target for a good thing or a counterfeit. The enemy will send the counterfeit to tempt you to settle for someone that God didn’t design for you. The enemy will always send a representative that fits the description of everything that you’re prayed for in a mate.
The scripture that encouraged me to inspire you is: “1 Chronicles 28:9 The Lord knows what is in everyone’s mind. He understands everything you think. If you go to him for help, you will get an answer.”
Just because someone pursues you (ladies) or responds (men) – it doesn’t mean they are the one for you. Pray that this is the one that God has for you. The man or woman that God has for you will not only talk the talk but they will walk the walk.
Don’t let their words sweep you off your feet or their charming looks deceive you. Go to God in prayer and ask him to reveal it to you. His word tells us, if we go to him for help, he will answer us.
I’m sure you’ve heard this time and time again but it’s so true – “TRUST GOD!”
Let me share this as well. Just because a man or woman attends church doesn’t mean they are the right one. You still need to pray that this is the person that God has for you. They may go to church but it doesn’t mean they are a doer of God’s word. Even if they approach you, it’s okay to reject their offer. Some people are meant to just be acquaintances or even our friends.
Here’s another helpful insight. If God’s answer is “NO” keep it moving and don’t look back. If God doesn’t answer – just sit and observe that persons actions. If their actions don’t line up with the word of God, keep it moving.
One last point, if God gives you a “YES.” Then know that God has also given that person confirmation that you’re the one. God isn’t the author of confusion – he will speak to both of you. Amen!
I desire for you to be connected to the right one. Meditate on 1 Chronicles 28:9 and allow God to direct your path during the pursuing season.
There is a significant difference between a Project and a Potential Mate and it is imperative to distinguish the difference between the two.
A project is a person who you connect with and take on the role of helping them to strengthen their relationship with God. A project may or may not have a genuine motive to pursue God and they often seek your help to guide them.
On the other hand, a potential is someone who is already spiritually at your level. This person has a consistent relationship with the Lord and the fruit of their relationship with God can be visibly seen and verified. A potential is someone who you can help grow spiritually, but he/she can also help you to grow in areas as well. You sharpen one another and you are both actively pursuing God without the persuasion of someone else.
Here are 3 Dangers of Mistaking a Project for a Potential Mate:
1. Projects Are NOT Suitable Helpers or Ready to Lead! Just because they gave their life to God with your help, does not mean He sent them to you for the purpose of a romantic relationship. Mistaking a project for your help meet or yourself as their help meet is not wise.
Men of God, it is deception to believe a woman who has yet to establish fruit in her relationship with God will be equipped to bear fruit in one with you. Genesis 2:18 tells us “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” If you are walking with a woman who has yet to discover her true identity in Christ, is it even possible for her to understand her role as your Help Meet? Furthermore, if she is not in a position to help herself, how can you expect her to help you?
Gentlemen, if she cannot HELP you, can she really be your Help Meet? Women of God, if Ephesians 5:23 says “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church”, how can your Project be your Potential Mate if you are leading him? If he has not allowed God to transform his nature and to first teach him how to become a student of the word and a son of God first, why promote him to Hubby status? No matter how much time and energy you invest in your project, only God can make a man of God out of him. Ladies God never intended for you to take on His job!
2. Are you Equally Yoked? It’s great you desire to help them, but keep in mind you are not on the same level as a project and you are unequally yoked with them. When defining what it means to be unequally yoked with someone many times we only focus on the first part of 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers”. However, there is more to this scripture…”for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness”? If a man/ woman professes to be a believer but has yet to be transformed by God, can you honestly say you are equally yoked with him/her? It’s great they are now attending church regularly, but have they endured the process of allowing the light of Christ to remove the darkness from within them? The truth is, a project is not spiritually mature enough to be yoked to anyone!
3. You Risk Becoming the God in Their Life. When the lines of a project relationship crossover into a romantic relationship, it is most likely that the person guiding the relationship will attempt to mold the project into what they desire them to be. This is extremely dangerous because if the focus shifts from leading him/her to the Lord to leading them to your own heart, what happens when they encounter you but have yet to truly encounter God? When this occurs there is a strong possibility that you may become an idol or the savior in their life. It is important to not allow yourself to become a stumbling block (Corinthians 8:9) or an idol to the project in order to fulfill your own motives and desires.
Unmarried men and women, all projects have a deadline! Attempting to hold on to a project relationship beyond its expiration date will most likely lead to failure. Mistaking a project for a potential can cause you to extend a season that should have ended a long time ago. Projects are designed to remain in your life for only a season. When you extend this season longer than necessary, you delay the arrival of your potential as a result of being consumed with attempting to form a covenant with a temporary project.
I am the queen of marriage preparation. I believe that in order to have a healthy marriage it is so important that you prepare as best as you can. As a pastor and therapist, I counseled countless people on marital issues before I got married but there are certain things that I have a clearer sense of and understanding of now that I am married.
1. Covenant– Covenant is not something that can be taught but it has to be felt, there is something about saying “I do” that seals the deal. You can live with someone for years, but there is something about saying till death do us part that puts a sense of reverence and determination in your heart to make it work(or at least it should)
2. Bond– Scripture says a man will leave his family and cleave or be glued to his wife. The bond that is formed in marriage really is supernatural. Once again, it is something felt, it makes you want to go to the end of the world for the one you love, it makes you know and feel like you will never have to face the world again.
3. Security- Not only is there financial security in a healthy marriage, there is emotional security. Marriage gives you someone to pour your heart to and should be the place where you feel safe to be weak and to be strong; it helps anchor you in who you knew you were always meant to be.
4. Joy- The joy that comes in the hard work, in laying your desires, yourself down, in choosing another person over yourself daily. While at times it is hard there is joy in living for something bigger than yourself.
5. Commitment– Marriage is the most important commitment you will ever make. Commitment matures a person; it teaches us to not to give up, to learn grit. and to have an ability to stick things out.
We thank God for the opportunity to love someone the way He loves the church daily! Do not see marriage as work but as joy, an opportunity to grow like Him.
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How to Find Real Love Online
Living in a continuously advancing digital age comes with countless benefits, I mean we practically have the world at our finger tips with the unlimited amount of access we have. There seems to be an app for everything these days; just think of any convenient, or wild far fetched idea, and there’s probably an app for it. From finding the closest garage sales, to locating the best donut, to catching as many pocket monsters you can; you name it, its out there. And if for any reason it isn’t…you can make it happen! And it’s just the same for finding love. There are tons of dating apps that suit pretty much anything or anyone you’re looking for. However, it seems that despite all of the ways there are to get what we want, it is still so few and far between. Now I’m not claiming to have all of the answers, but I know how it should be done.
1.) Look past the cover– In a day and age where we can get what pleases our eyes by merely swiping right is nothing short of distasteful. I’m not saying physical attraction isn’t important, but when you reduce someones qualities by looks alone, than you’re not getting anywhere close to the true nature of a person. You have to look beyond the surface, as the old saying goes “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
2.) Keep your values– Lets face it, not everyone online is really looking for “love” but its important to stick with your intentions. If real love is what you’re looking for, then you should be seeking nothing but that, or else you’ll be trapped in someone else’s web of “love.”
3.) Don’t force it– Just because you’ve met someone that has the “potential”of being the one doesn’t mean they are. If your gut tells you to move right along, then you most likely should.
4.) Don’t subject yourself– If you feel that you have to post suggestive photos of yourself in order to be appealing, then you’re not going to attract anyone who is looking beyond what you’re suggesting.
5.) The right site– There are tons of online dating sites to choose from, but its important to do your due diligence by investing your time on the ones that are known to deliver. Steer away from the ones that are solely known for… well you know what.
6.) Be Authentic– Creating an online profile that displays the true you, and at the same time be gravitating can feel like your own personal human advertisement. However, always remain authentic, the right person will love you for you.
People get married for many reasons, the reasons range from being in love, in lust, finding a best friend, being led by God, etc. One of the most important things that a couple most know is WHY God has brought them together.
In order to do this, each individual must have clarity on their purpose and why God created them. It is very difficult to enter into a marriage with purpose when you do not know your purpose.
We have all learned by now that marriage for Christians is not just about the two people loving each other but a lot about what God has put in each of them and how they can make an impact in the earth.
Every marriage should have a mission beyond having children and making a lot of money. Why has God put you together? What are you could to achieve as a couple?
Your mission or mandate will be the glue when your marriage gets hard. Having a mission for your marriage helps you fight for something bigger than yourself. When both realize that they are not just in this thing for themselves, they are more likely to work harder to stay together.
Here are some questions to ask your spouse in order to create a mission.
- What do I bring to the table?
- How can my spouse and I fuse our strengths and passions?
- What is something we are both passionate about?
- What are the steps we need to take to live out this mission?
Have you been hurt in the past or disappointed by a relationship you hoped would work but didn’t? Are you open to the idea of entering into a relationship again by courting? If so, it is very important to make sure your heart is ready for love. Here are a few steps to help you on your way:
Step 1 – Stabilize Your Foundation
It is imperative that your heart be stabilized and built on the foundation of Christ. Without taking the time to intentionally build an intimate relationship with the one who formed your heart, you are willingly setting yourself up to fail in your future relationship – and, truth be told, in relationships in general. Having a stabilized foundation in Christ helps you to:
- Forgive quickly and easily
- Problem solve and communicate from a place of humility
- Maintain control over your emotions
- Maintain sobriety
And the list goes on…
Step 2 – Cut the Ties in Your Heart to Ex-Relationships
If you’ve been involved in a past relationship, make sure to search your heart regarding possible emotional ties to that old relationship. You may have hidden expectations and desires to return to a relationship with your ex. Holding on to “the old” will cause you to look for the qualities and characteristics of “the old” in the person who could possibly be “the one.” Because your heart is still tied to your ex, you could unconsciously compare your ex to “the one” and miss out on a beautiful relationship because “the one” doesn’t exemplify the same qualities or characteristics.
Step 3 – Rid Yourself of the Toxicity of Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness is a terrible poison that keeps you from opening your heart. It eventually turns into pride and causes you to become a selfish person. Does that sound like anyone you would want to be in a relationship with? I didn’t think so. This is why it’s important that you take the time to willingly let go of grudges, regrets, and feelings of revenge. If you desire marriage, you must desire to forgive quickly.
Step 4 – Willingly Learn to Trust Again
I completely understand that trusting someone can be difficult, and can be even more difficult if you’ve been hurt before. However, the truth of the matter is that to know when “the one” has come, you must be able to trust God. From there, you must be able to willingly trust the person you decided to be in a relationship with. Trust issues cause tensions and feelings of uncertainty. They also rob your relationship of peace. If a person hasn’t given you a reason not to trust, don’t punish them because of your own insecurities or because of the hurt you experienced at the hands of another.
Step 5 – Mature Your Heart & Purify Your Motives
You may ask, “How exactly do I do that?” Well, it all starts with prayer and devotional life. Maintaining a disciplined prayer and devotional life helps your heart, as well as your life motives to become more like Christ. The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Guess what? Your motives are generated from the heart. So clean up that heart and make room for the blessing God has for you.
Step 6 – Remove the Guard That Keeps Away “The One”
When you’ve experienced hurt, sometimes you will guard your heart, so much so that you could become cold-hearted. Basically, you’re not allowing anyone into your heart; you’re hanging a sign on it saying “Do Not Enter” or “Love Not Wanted.” If you truly desire marriage, you have to remove the guard. It can be scary doing so because your guard keeps you from feeling the pain of disappointment and rejection. But, let me be honest with you. You will never discover “the one” with a guard on your heart. In reality, the guard rejects the “the one.”
Step 7 – Maintain a Healthy Heart While Waiting
Continue to do heart checks on a regular basis. Check your heart for any damage and fix it immediately. Prolonging dealing with heart issues causes the issues to become more deeply embedded and more difficult to heal from. In addition, feed your heart good things, such as the scriptures; pray over your heart and remain accountable and honest with the issues within it to those you trust.
Get to work, your future spouse will thank you!
There are many women that desire to be in a relationship. Yet, they are still single. The man of your prayers will not magically appear before you at the altar. You have to be willing to position yourself to be found.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
The definition of find is to discover (something or someone) without planning or trying to. The man that God has for you can’t discover you if you aren’t in position to be found. Your home isn’t a place of position, it’s more a place of comfort. Get up and get out of the house!
We are way too old to be playing the hide and seek game. If you desire a mate, allow God to position you to be found. If you’re not in the right position you will miss the opportunity to be found by your future mate.
Many times we are distracted by temporary people or even things. I often see many women posting on Facebook about their single season. Facebook posts will not put you in a better position to be found by him. You have to be in a place that shows that you’re available and even interested in dating.
That doesn’t mean be thirsty and expose yourself to men to be seen. Position yourself with dignity and class. The best posture to be found by your mate is serving the LORD. It is at the moment that you are serving God and his people you will be in right place at the right time to be found.
Don’t be afraid of rejection – it happens. When you allow God to direct your path to be positioned properly, rejection will not occur as often and you will know that the right man when he approaches you. He will be everything you prayed for and much more.
I will leave you with this… I prayed to God to send me a man of God that was on fire for him, that would love me and my children unconditionally. I prayed for a man that would pray for me and with me. I prayed about several things that I wanted in a Godly man according to the word of God.
You will know when you meet the right one because your spirit will leap with joy. I came in contact with a few people while single but my spirit didn’t leap when I interacted with them. They didn’t line up with my prayers or even the word of God. So, I kept it moving.
I continued to serve God and one day I looked up and saw the most handsome man that I’d ever seen on earth. My spirit leaped with joy and I knew it was something different about him. Well, I approached him and introduced myself. No harm in that ladies. After, that I went before the Lord and sought his counsel for my life. I needed to know if this was the one that God had for me. Sure enough God answered and said “It’s him!”
I said all that to say, be intentional about your relationship with Jesus Christ. Stay in communication with him always. The more you talk to God, he will position you so that he can bless you with the desires of your heart, according to his plan for your life. When you are positioned by God, you will be found by the right one that he purposely designed just for you.
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Wifey Material or Nah?
If Proverbs 18:22 tells us “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, why do we believe wives are made after saying I do?
The scripture does not say he who finds a woman, then makes her his wife. Unmarried women let me encourage you today…..You don’t have to wait to be approached by a man before you are made into a wife! When you submit your life to the Lord and allow him to lead and guide you, he can teach you how to embody the characteristics of a wife!
Becoming a wife is not simply about being a great cook, being able to clean a house spotless or being able to bare children. Your qualifications of becoming a wife are not simply based on what the world say a wife is. After all, to the world many women with marriage certificates are wives. We see reality shows such as “Basketball Wives” or “Real Housewives of Atlanta” where the wives portrayed are half-dressed, spends money excessively, are always in drama, are rarely with their children, can’t cook, transfer from husband to husband based on who has the highest salary and are more concerned with being popular and the latest fashion than building their homes.
According to the book of Proverbs it takes more than a willing man, a ring, ceremony and a marriage certificate to become a wife. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a wife as a type of woman who…
- has good character
- is unselfish
- is a nurturer
- is good with money and knows how to multiply what she has
- She is a provider and is good with her hands
- she is respected and gives respect
- she is productive and not lazy
- she is a giver and knows how to serve others
- she takes care of her appearance
- she is full of wisdom
- she knows how to watch her tongue
- she is faithful
- and most importantly she fears the Lord
Ladies, the next time you feel the desire to ask God for a husband, ask yourself first….”Am I am Wife?”
Let the word of God become your standard so he can make you ready for your future! When your future husband finds you, you don’t want him to just find a woman, but you want him to find a wife!