Category: Communication
3 Prerequisites to Improve Communication in Your Relationship
A few hours to days have gone by and the chemistry in the home is not quite right. Something happened, words were exchanged and the communication has currently deteriorated. You don’t feel like talking but you know you need to, and if you didn’t know, well you need to (Ephesians 4:26). Communication is absolutely key to a strong healthy relationship.
One clue that my husband was the one was our effortless communication. Since the very first conversation, communication between us came easy. ‘Til this day it’s still one of our strengths. Conversation was never awkward or forced and I was always comfortable being myself. Our communication always honored God and it was fruitful for the both of us.
In order to protect what we have, periodically, we need to reset by having a “talk”. “Can we talk?” one of us will usually initiate.
I encourage every couple to have a “talk” occasionally, as needed. There are times in marriage when the oneness can become shaky and a simple mature conversation could be the remedy. It’s healthy to express love and emotions through words regularly. However, bad communication can produce bad consequences. Just as easy as it is to build and strengthen your relationship with your words, you can easily destroy it with words as well.
In order to prevent a “talk” gone wrong, it important to enter the conversation with the right heart and use wise tactics. Here are 3 prerequisites you should have before your next ‘talk’:
1.A Desire to Please God. Pleasing God should be our highest goal in life (2 Cor. 5:9). When entering a conversation with our spouse we should also keep in mind that we are accountable to God for everything we communicate (Matt. 12:36). If our greatest desire is to please Him, even when we’re upset, we’ll be more mindful of our choice of words and communication efforts.
2. Humility. When having a “talk” with our spouse, we may hear some things about ourselves that may be hard to receive. This will require humility (Eph. 4:1-3). Your spouse is the closest one to you, they’ll be able to recognize things about yourself you may overlook. Your spouse can also help you recognize any wrong use of counter-productive means of communication!
3. Prefer to Listen. Although I call this conversation the “talk,” you should actually prefer to listen. You may be tempted to just say what you have to say, however, scripture encourages us to be swift to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). You must know how to listen (Proverbs 18:13) by not interrupting or formulating what you are going to say while your spouse is talking.
It’s important to God for us to have good communication in our relationships. Problems can be clarified and resolved, wrong ideas can be corrected, forgiveness and trust is exercised easier and good decision-making follows. Be sure to examine your heart and intentions before your next “talk.”
Right now, the millennial generation has a reputation. We’ve been called “entitled,” “selfish,” “thankless,” and a multitude of other labels that define us as a generation. I’m not here to argue with these monikers, nor do I intend to defend us. Much of it is true, unfortunately. And yet, I am not into making a hasty generalization about this generation; we aren’t all stuck-up, self-absorbed drones. But something is getting lost, here. What is it?
The power of “Thank you.”
What is the power of thank you? It is the vantage point from “30,000 feet” that notices the little things in the big picture—and it works wonders in a marriage.
Getting In Their World
Thank you is a statement of acknowledging that my world is not the only world. Thank you puts the spotlight on another person’s world. In an age where we gravitate towards our own interests, thank you tells another person that you’re able to elevate your head above the stratosphere of your world and appreciate the value of theirs. “Thank you for washing the car tonight” means “I notice that you noticed me.”
Disarming Resentment
Thank you disarms mounting resentment and boiling bitterness. I remember a time when the Lord prompted me to thank my wife for everything that she does. When I did, tears filled her eyes and she threw her arms around my neck and said, “That means everything to me that you notice!” This could have also meant that I hadn’t said it enough. What would have happened if I never stopped to acknowledge her contribution to our family and to the Kingdom? Resentment. Resentment is the result of someone feeling as though their contributions aren’t noticed. Disengage that resentment with the power of thank you.
Releasing Them into Their Destiny
Thank you empowers a person. A close friend of mine loves to tell young people, “Find where you’re celebrated, not tolerated.” In a season where I was jaded by life and unfulfilled expectations, this was not a sentiment that I could relate to. I was used to feeling invisible, insignificant, and unnecessary. I was unaccustomed to “being celebrated”—until it happened to me. I started a job where the leadership empowered me to use my gifts and talents, and thanked and affirmed me often. I thrived in that environment!
My suspicion is that your spouse will thrive too. Heartfelt thanks toward your spouse will make them feel secure and confident. When a person feels security and confidence, there are no limits to what he or she may do—or become. My wife demonstrated the power of thank you to me on a car ride home from work. “You take such good care of us, Dan,” she said. I felt like all of my hard work and sacrifice mattered to her. Thank you validates purpose.
Thank You=Acknowledgment
There is no magical power in the words “thank you.” You cannot undo years of betrayal by uttering these words. Saying “thank you” will not supernaturally heal a deep-root system of bad communication and hurts. But if you develop a lifestyle of thanking your spouse for what they do, who they are, and what they add to life, you just may prevent deep resentment from fermenting in your spouse’s heart. What we are talking about here is acknowledging that your spouse is made in God’s image, and makes the world a better place. Tell your spouse today that you see him or her. Say “thank you.”
What are practical ways you can say or demonstrate appreciation for your spouse?
with Culus Williams
We live in a time when people desire microwave results in every situation even in our courting season. We have little, to no patience and we are anxious for everything.
When God blesses us with a mate we want instant perfection and totally forget that we ourselves aren’t perfect beings. When conflict arises in our courting season, we are ready to the throw in the towel and walk away. Wait a second! Did you forget that Jesus tells us in John 16:33 that in this world you will have trouble?! Yes, even in your dating season you will have trouble that arises.
It’s hard to be content with what you have when trouble is boiling in the pot. There are a couple of ways that I use to remain content in the midst of trouble.
- Pray about it
When conflict arises in your relationship pray to the Lord to help you resolve the issue. Often when conflict arises we try to resolve it ourselves and continue to add fuel to the fire. Go to God and seek his understanding on how to handle the situation. Pray about everything and be anxious for nothing. When we are anxious for instant conflict resolution we often miss the lesson that God is trying to teach us. Sometimes we need to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way which is God’s way.
- Remember the time
Sometimes we get upset with our mates about something that they have said or done. We are tired of discussing the issue with them and feel that it’s easier to leave and not deal with it. Michael Jackson has a song titled, “Remember the Time” Do you remember when you first fell in love with your boo? Do you remember when you first met? Do you remember the times they made you laugh or brightened up your day? Take time to reflect on the good times, instead of the right now situation.
Paul tells us in Philippians 4:12-13 that he knows what it is to stand in need and to have plenty. He learned the secret of being content in every situation. I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. Yes, the secret is out of the bag, we have to be content in Christ Jesus. Knowing that no matter what we are facing that Jesus is our strength and we will make it through the situation.
You may be standing in need of peace in your relationship but know that if you look to Jesus that he will give you peace in the midst of the storm. Reflect on when your relationship was full of laughter, joy and peace and know that the sun will shine again. Be content with what God has given you and be willing to put in the work to make it last forever.
Categories
Remember Who Your Real Enemy Is
I can’t tell you how many times these simple words have prevented my wife and I from getting into huge fights. This phrase is derived from the “Hunger Games” movie series, which my wife and I are huge fans! Without going into too many details, (in case some of you may not have watched the movies yet), I want to share a profound thought that I believe will truly bless you as you are solidifying the foundation of who you will be as a spouse. Whether you are single, engaged, or newly wed, this idea can transform the whole way you view disagreements with your significant other.
The point of the games is to kill all of the other participants without getting killed by the dangerous environment that surrounds you and just before beginning her second round in the Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen, main character of the story, gets a bit of sound advice from her coach. He tells her, “remember who your real enemy is“. Her coach was communicating to her that no matter how great the opposition may feel at times while in that arena, her real enemy was the reason they were all in there fighting to the death in the first place. They go on to form an intricate plan on how to be successful by coming together and using each of their strengths to defeat the game-makers once and for all.
It doesn’t take very long before plans begin to change, obstacles begin to present themselves from all angles, and the team is in for the fight of their lives. Now, faced with the decision of her life, Katniss has to decide between following her instincts and eliminating all opposition or trusting the plan and following through with her teammates. And just before she is about to send an arrow through the heart of one of her teammates, he yells to her, “REMEMBER WHO THE REAL ENEMY IS!” It is at that moment that she stops, contemplates for a while, and then carries out the plan, trusting her teammates, temporarily defeating the enemy.
This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks when I first heard it. We all have a real enemy and the Bible teaches us that he’s on the prowl looking for any crack in the foundations of our marriage so that he can slip in and tear us apart. Now, every time we begin to have a disagreement, no matter how large things may flare up in the moment, like Katniss, I stop, think before I speak, and remind my self to “Remember who your real enemy is”.
At no point is my lovely bride ever my enemy! Even when the devil tries to twist her words and use our insecurities to drive a wedge between us, she is my life mate and I’m committed to loving her and living our forever together. It doesn’t keep us from having disagreements, but it does keep us from getting distracted by the enemy’s attacks and attempts to force us to turn on one another.
These words have forever changed the way my wife and I have disagreements and I truly believe whether you’re married or plan to get married someday, keeping this simple yet profound statement in your utility tool belt will help you kick the voice of satan to the curb for good by identifying him as the real enemy.
The point of the games is to kill all of the other participants without getting killed by the dangerous environment that surrounds you and just before beginning her second round in the Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen, main character of the story, gets a bit of sound advice from her coach. He tells her, “remember who your real enemy is“. Her coach was communicating to her that no matter how great the opposition may feel at times while in that arena, her real enemy was the reason they were all in there fighting to the death in the first place. They go on to form an intricate plan on how to be successful by coming together and using each of their strengths to defeat the game-makers once and for all.
It doesn’t take very long before plans begin to change, obstacles begin to present themselves from all angles, and the team is in for the fight of their lives. Now, faced with the decision of her life, Katniss has to decide between following her instincts and eliminating all opposition or trusting the plan and following through with her teammates. And just before she is about to send an arrow through the heart of one of her teammates, he yells to her, “REMEMBER WHO THE REAL ENEMY IS!” It is at that moment that she stops, contemplates for a while, and then carries out the plan, trusting her teammates, temporarily defeating the enemy.
This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks when I first heard it. We all have a real enemy and the Bible teaches us that he’s on the prowl looking for any crack in the foundations of our marriage so that he can slip in and tear us apart. Now, every time we begin to have a disagreement, no matter how large things may flare up in the moment, like Katniss, I stop, think before I speak, and remind my self to “Remember who your real enemy is”.
At no point is my lovely bride ever my enemy! Even when the devil tries to twist her words and use our insecurities to drive a wedge between us, she is my life mate and I’m committed to loving her and living our forever together. It doesn’t keep us from having disagreements, but it does keep us from getting distracted by the enemy’s attacks and attempts to force us to turn on one another.
These words have forever changed the way my wife and I have disagreements and I truly believe whether you’re married or plan to get married someday, keeping this simple yet profound statement in your utility tool belt will help you kick the voice of satan to the curb for good by identifying him as the real enemy.
In July of this year my husband and I will be celebrating 3 years of marriage. I know a lot of people say that you will not truly experience a marriage “milestone” until you have been married 5 or more years, but I beg to differ. I personally believe that in marriage you will reach many milestones from the moment you say “I Do”. It’s all about your mindset and perspective. I want to share with you three lessons that I have learned thus far!
1. Never Stop Serving Your Spouse: Before I got married I enjoyed hosting events and planning get-togethers with friends and family. It was something about creating an atmosphere that was conducive for great fellowship and conversations. Being a wife now, I see how my desire to serve my family and friends is playing into my passion to do the same for my husband. I know that there can be times where you want to be the one being “served” versus the “one serving”. Yet, once you have settled in your heart that whatever you do for your spouse you are ultimately doing unto the Lord, your whole processing will change and you will find joy in knowing that God is ultimately pleased in what you are doing. Your whole definition and level of serving will grow and your husband and family will receive the benefit! Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you Do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord”
2. Marriage is about Sacrifice: I did not know how selfish I was until I got married! I thought I was a pretty good catch, I was accustomed to sacrificing certain things as an unmarried woman but not to the extent of what I have experienced thus far in my marriage. I have learned that in marriage it’s not going to be about you all the time and that you have to be willing to lay down your life in order to help your spouse get to his or her destiny and purpose for a season. It does not mean that your destiny or purpose will be delayed, it means that it will be enhanced and enriched even the more because of your willingness to sacrifice and honor your spouse through the journey of their lives. John 15:13-14 “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for ones friends. You are my friends if you do what I command”.
3. Have Fun: I am learning that marriage has its ups and downs but the one thing that has the ability to keep your marriage exciting and hopeful is your ability to ENJOY your spouse. I am learning more and more everyday the power of laughter and spontaneous conversations and dates! Don’t forget the reason you married your spouse. Do not allow the enemy to steal the joy and laughter out of your marriage. If he can steal your hope for the future he can gain access into your marriage. Enjoy your husband or wife and know that in every season you both are growing stronger and wiser together. Proverbs 15:13 “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”.
I pray these three points encouraged you whether you have been married a few months or many years! Remember that marriage is a blessing from God and that God desires to receive the glory through your life personally as well as through your marriage. Continue to shine bright!
I was sitting on the couch last week looking across the living room at my gorgeous wife when I realized I had gotten in a rut.
It was the boring rut.
We can get caught in a rut overnight or slide into it slowly over weeks.
Here is what is dangerous about a Boring Rut:
Your wife can be OK with it.
She can be fine with just hanging out with you. She might even say she doesn’t need adventure or something different, because she is fine just being with you.
She may also be fine sitting with you watching a boring TV show. But, why not find an exciting show to watch together?
She may also be fine going to a restaurant and eating so-so food. But, why not find a restaurant that offers deliciously satisfying food?
So, what do you do when you realize you have become lazy and are living in a boring rut? Here are 4 ways to get out of that boring rut:
1. You have to care
As a leader at work, I care that my employees are giving me 1/3 of their day. I want to maximize that time so they feel satisfied at work and are productive. Their satisfaction means something to me.
In the same way, you need to care that your wife deserves the best. You need to care that her satisfaction is a priority. If you are apathetic, you need to repent of that and ask God to give you a hunger for a life-giving marriage.
2. Tweak the daily rituals
The monotonous rituals in your marriage can become boring or they can be inspiring. Here are some ways to tweak them:
Coming home: Pull into your driveway and rev your care engine. This will work if your wife is home the same time as you. When she opens door and asks what you are doing. Tell her that your car is an extension of your love for her and the engine is an extension of your heart. As the engine revs up so your heart is reved up for her. Another way to tweak coming home is to kiss her for 10 seconds when you enter the house instead of going to the couch, checking mail, etc.
Convo’s: Go on a walk in the neighborhood compared to just sitting down in the house talking.
Date Night: Check local Facebook groups, etc to find new activities to do. Or do one thing that is different on your regular date night–something that you normally don’t do.
3. Know when you are falling back into the boring rut
If you are physically fit, you can check the scale, heart rate, etc. to know if you are staying fit. But, how do you measure if you have fallen back into the boring rut?
Here is a simple way for you to know:
Ask your wife, “On a scale of 1-10, how innovative or adventurous am I as a husband? Or ask, “I want you to be my biggest fan. What are some things I used to do in our marriage that you would really appreciate if I started doing again?”
4. Sustain the innovation in your marriage
In your work life, you probably either use Google calendar or Outlook to make your performance more productive, to not forget important meetings, and to ensure you stay on task.
You need to do the same thing with your marriage so you stay out of the boring rut.
Here are some marriage ideas to add to your calendar:
Times for you to brainstorm date ideas.
Times to randomly text your wife during the day to let her know you are thinking of her.
Time to plan your next weekend getaway.
When you need to buy a marriage book, listen to marriage podcast, etc.
Don’t allow a boredom rut to get deeper in your marriage. You are the innovator of your marriage. You are the creative architect of your marriage. Ask God to give you the passion to keep your marriage fresh.
Question: What have you done recently to keep your marriage out of the boredom rut?
I will be the first to admit that when my husband and I first got married, it almost felt awkward trying to put Christ back in the center of our relationship. We had crossed spiritual boundaries in our friendship, but had such strict boundaries once we started dating and got engaged, that we consequently boarded God out of our relationship. We both had relationships with God on our own, but all of a sudden we found ourselves struggling in the one area we never thought we would be.
Let me preface this article by saying there is no cookie cutter recipe for time with God as a couple. As my husband and I would seek council on how to improve our spiritual walk and how to do it together, I found myself frustrated with the answers we were getting: “you’ll figure it out,” “every couple is different,” or even finding couples that after years of marriage, hadn’t seemed to figure it out for themselves.
Here are some practical tips to help guide you and your significant other to get back on track if you are currently in the same place:
1.Try, try, and try again. My husband and I worship in different ways, which only added further frustration to the mix. The only way to find out what works for the two of you is to try different things together to find the best balance- and when you find out what works, go for it!
My husband and I like to go through a quick devotional book in the morning at breakfast, but we dedicate one night a week to our spiritual walk – whether that is praying over each other, cultivating an atmosphere of worship, or studying a book of the bible.
2. Fight through the awkwardness. Chances are, if you haven’t been investing in your spiritual lives together, it is going to be awkward trying to push it back into your relationship. Do not be discouraged! All good things take time.
3. Make prayer a priority. Realize that in merging together your relationships with God, you are becoming a huge threat to the devil. Understand and expect warfare. “For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them” (Matthew 18:20). A couple on fire for God is nothing short of powerful! Make prayer a second language in your daily walk.
4. Be intentional. Just like going to the gym, any discipline you want to incorporate into your life is going to require additional time and intentionality. Make sure you communicate and dedicate time each week to coming together as a couple before Christ.
5. Invest in your individual relationship with God. How can you expect your relationship with God as a couple to flourish when you are not putting in time and investing in your own? Make sure you take the time you need to come before God on your own as well.
I hope this provides the guidance you needed to get your spiritual walk in the right direction. Make sure you check out Our Time With God: 42 Day Devotional for Couples if you are looking for any additional resources.
On May 10, 2015, Mother’s Day, a tornado gutted a small east Texas town. Two were killed, many were injured, and dozens of homes were utterly destroyed. I know; I was there. My wife and I, with little notice, responded to the roaring, freight train-like rumble by snatching up our two sleeping toddlers and piling into the bathtub, covering our heads with a toddler mattress as we prayed for God to spare our lives. We awoke to a disaster.
Between August 18 and 20 of 2015, millions of other lives were affected by the whirlwind hacking of the online infidelity website, Ashley Madison. Forbes magazine reports that 28 million of the 38 million accounts were publicized for the entire world to see. (Forbes) Multitudes of families learned that someone in their family was living a life of deception.
Deception Glorified
Robert Hansen, VP of WhiteHat Security found that most of the Ashley Madison users use a webmail address, assumedly to hide their true identity and/or prevent their spouse from intercepting any of site’s communication. The Forbes article says,
“Apparently not everyone was smart enough to obscure their real-life identity using a webmail address, though. Hansen found well over 13,000 email addresses from .MIL and .GOV domains and a handful of congressmen among the hacked data. He also identified a substantial number of addresses from various Fortune 500 companies…Perhaps the most shocking revelation is that Hansen found three accounts using Vatican.com email.” (Forbes)
Ouch. That last one really hurts. Men and women of God aren’t immune to deception. The most famous affair in the Bible is King David’s in 2 Samuel 11:1-27. In the wake of David’s fall, the account ends with a forlorn concluding statement: “But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.”
Where do we go wrong?
Many factors can be at play in infidelity, but I’m going to mention three standout qualities.
- Deception: David’s desire to cover his tracks and conceal his sin was deception at its core. David’s efforts to hide his fall cost the lives of Uriah and the child born of Bathsheba and David.
- Passivity: This story begins David relinquished his kingly duty to fight for his kingdom and his people. “In the spring,at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out…” Infidelity often begins in Christian homes because couples don’t know how to fight for their God-given covenant.
- Lust: David peered over his balcony at Bathsheba and “sent messages to get her.” (v.4) Lust demands right here, right now.
How to Be On Guard Against Infidelity
- Be accountable. David was eventually accountable, but by that time it was too late. Surround yourself with godly brothers and sisters and have a friend who will ask difficult, pointed questions.
- Fight the good fight of faith. Don’t. Be. A. Victim. Don’t grow passive. So much can be said about passivity alone, but the main point is to pursue righteousness! Are you discouraged? Because passivity and discouragement are partners in crime. Stoke the fires of your heart with passion for the Lord, not the world, and discouragement can’t abide.
- Pursue purity and hold every adverse thought captive. Don’t let your heart and imagination wander into the wasteland of idleness. Put on the armor of God and make every thought submit to the Lordship of Christ.
As we pray for families in the Ashley Madison scandal, be sure to guard your heart. Be honest with your spouse about struggles. Pray honest prayers; God can handle your humanity and He will not leave you to fend for yourself.
What weapons are in your arsenal against sexual sin?