Category: Communication

By Stephanie M. Brown
I lived in denial about my part in my husbands’ infidelity.  I was in denial about my part in pushing him away.  I was in denial about my need to take responsibility for my choices for my life so that I could move forward with the big destiny that God was calling me to walk in.
I remember the first time my husband stayed out all night.  I was frantic with worry.  I called the police department.  The hospitals.  I called every number I could think of and each time I was relieved to not hear them verify his name.  And with each passing moment, my anxiety of his whereabouts grew and grew.  When he finally showed up, he was so calm and casual.   To my horror, this type of  activity became a major existence of my life with him.  I turned into a miserable, angry, bitter woman.  
Adultery doesn’t just ‘happen’.  Adultery occurs because a series of progressively enticing thoughts (and possibly actions) occur over time.  Scripture clearly tells us that our sin is a result of what we have entertained in our minds.  Temptation comes from what we already desire.    
Things did not change though.  The more hurt, anger, bitterness and rage that I displayed towards him, the more distant, uncaring and unfeeling he displayed towards me.  It was a nightmare that I was fully awake to and lived through. What I am about to share with you are 5 unhelpful things that I did to ‘tear down my own house with my own hands’.  What I am hoping that you will do is take advantage of this tuition-free knowledge.
Mistake #1: I did not support his goals for the family.
He had a goal of saving a certain amount of money and then I would stop working.  I trivialized his goal.  I minimized it.  I mocked it.  In fact, I fought him because I wanted control.  This all communicated to him disrespect and a lack of support.    
Mistake #2: I did not respect or trust his judgement as a leader of our home.
I had at my disposal a large sum of money.  We were evaluating a real estate deal during the time shortly before the real estate boom in Florida.  In short, we could have acquired a really nice home on a corner lot for little to nothing in comparison to the worth.  But because I did not understand real estate, I did not trust the person bringing the deal and I did not trust my husband’s judgement I disagreed with the deal.  After all, it was ‘MY MONEY’ so we did not do the deal.  
Mistake #3: I turned him down for sex on a regular basis.
I did not understand my role as his wife and the super importance of sex in a man’s life.  The only legitimate way (before God) for sex is within the covenant of marriage.  I did not grasp the fact that my body is the only ‘store open’ for him for sex.  There is no other legitimate place for him to go.  So, when I turned him down or wasn’t ‘into it’ or made excuses not to, it left him starving – literally.  
Mistake #4: I disrespected him in front of his family and the kids.
I pretty regularly would say things that undermined his manhood in front of his family and our children.  I am now aware that I learned this bad habit from the home I grew up in.  I am not excusing my behavior, but I am explaining it to you.  In short, I emasculated him on a regular basis.  
Mistake #5:I did not do anything to make him feel loved.
I was led to read the story of Hosea and Gomer.  I had always had misgivings about reading the story because I heard it was about a prophet who was married to a prostitute and God required the prophet to stay with the prostitute.  It was through this study that I realized that although my husband did many things (albeit things not in my love language) to make me feel loved, I didn’t do anything to make him feel loved.  My bitterness produced this negativity.  
What I learned about me….
‣ It wasn’t until I took responsibility for my part in the destruction of my marriage that I could even have an open pathway to forgiveness and eventually healing.
‣I had trust issues long before I married my husband.
‣I had no idea what a healthy marriage looked like or how to build one.
If you see yourself in any of these negative behaviors, for the love of God –STOP.  Get help.  Heal.  I understand you may be hurting, but please know that you are not the only one hurting.  There is collateral damage around you.
This is an excerpt from my e-book.  if you would like the full version, you can find it here —> bit.ly/turnhubby

Stephanie is an Arkansas native, now self-proclaimed “Florida girl,” Stephanie has been in the Tampa Bay area for over 20 years.  Presently, she is separated from her husband of 21 years, the mother of 4 and the full-time caregiver to her mother who is living with Alzheimers.  She is a Freedom Coach with Grow Women which she founded in 2012.  She encourages women to dig up their confidence and helps them find freedom through forgiveness. She earned an MBA in marketing and has 25+ years in sales, marketing, coaching and entrepreneurial training.  She recently hosted the well received 2016 Tampa Bay’s Black Marriage Day Community Conversation ~ Real Talk about Money, Infidelity and God.