Tag: single
The year was 1992 in a small town called, Albany, GA. It was there that I had my first record of experiencing what I concluded at the time was love. Until, she moved and we no longer were in the same daycare together due to her family moving away. Yes, I said, “Daycare”. It was a real life example of the young and the playful.
From then I’ve always had a fascination with this thing called, love. My interest in love has peeked another fascination, which is how easy it is to allow things in our life to block us from finding it.
Many will argue that love is something you “fall into” hence the statement, “We fell in love”, but I’d like to challenge that statement by saying anytime I’ve fallen into anything it was an accident that I don’t want to do again.
Love shouldn’t be something you fall into with your feelings but rather something you walk into with your heart, soul, and mind all in agreement.
I want to look at 4 things I believe could be mentally distracting you from finding love.
1. Searching For the perfect person.
The search for the perfection person. Not only do I not believe there is only one person for you, I also believe there is no perfect person either. Dating can be very challenging simply because it is when a person puts on their best everything in order to impress the other person. This is why it is imperative that you watch for the small actions that determine everything about a person. For example one small thing you can do it see how the person treats the waiter or waitress at the restaurant. You have to give grace for flaws because guess what, you have flaws too.
2. Fear of Getting Hurt
Relationship should actually be spelled RISK. Because that is really what any relationship is, it is a risk. This is why it is crucial to set boundaries from the very beginning. No matter what your standards are in regards to what’s okay and what’s not okay, there should always be boundaries implemented in order to guard your heart. At the end of it all being hurt is NO FUN, but it is something you must not allow to distract you from being vulnerable once the time is right in order to allow a person in to who you really are.
3. Waiting For It to “Feel” Like Love.
Your feelings do not know your future. My wife and I were watching the new episode of The Bachelorette the other night. I literally counted more than 25 times that she mentioned “feel” or “felt”. It was clear that she was waiting for the feeling to hit her with one of the many guys she will attempt to find love with. Your feelings are the worse thing to rely on when trying to assess a person for the potential of marriage. What rather should be the assessment is wisdom. Wisdom will help you to see the person for who they are aside from feelings because you can get feelings for your dog but that doesn’t mean you should marry him. Don’t be distracted because you’re waiting for that special feeling, but rather allow wisdom to tell you if the person is good or not for your future.
4. Thinking “It’ll Never Happen, So Why Try”.
This negative thinking will cause you not to be optimistic while meeting new people and distract you away from being hopeful to give someone a chance beyond “hello: or “nice to meet you”. You cannot give love up to fate which believes, “no matter what I do, if it’s meant to be then it will be”. Wrong. That means if you sit on the couch everyday, when fate decides it’s time, he/she will come to your front door in a chariot to take you away into your fairy tale castle. You must try by getting out and meeting new people; that will encourage you to stay optimistic because it can happen when most least expect it.
I pray these 4 mental road blocks will help bring clarity to your journey to finding a person that has the capacity to love you the way you deserve and you love them them the same.
by Kay King
We’ve all been there, you finally find someone and then POOF! something changes.
You’re calling, texting and stalking his social media pages and all you get are half way replies. He barely calls you back and he’s stopped responding to you altogether on social media. You start doing drive byes just to see if he’s home. You call up your girl and she says those dreadful words that no girl wants to hear, He’s Just Not That Into You.
You’re left wondering, why not. All of a sudden those 6 little words cause your emotions to erupt and you suddenly turn into Angela Basset from Waiting to Exhale in her famous scene no one can forget.
So what is it? Why is it that, as single women, we keep choosing the wrong guys? Is it because we desire the one so bad that we ignore the signs?
During my last “He’s not that Into You Moment” I stopped crying long enough to analyze the situation. Here’s what I noticed:
- Communication!You go from talking daily: by phone, by text, sending each other cute messages on social media to a few texts per day, a couple phone calls per week and social media basically becomes non-existent. I didn’t see it then but all the “I’m sleepy”, “I’m busy”, “Oh, I didn’t hear my phone” was actually his way of saying “I’ve moved on”. These type of guys usually try to avoid contact with you so that they don’t have to have that dreadful conversation.
- Commitment!Now you would think it would be easy to spot the ones with commitment issues, but oh no, for some reason we think we will be the exception. I can remember this one guy I would talk to and he would always tell me that he wanted to get married… eventually. Whenever I would talk about commitment and being in a relationship, he would always bring up his past relationships and how they went wrong and now he’s taking his time. Key word: I’m unavailable, however as women we see that as a green light to continue to pursue. Listen ladies, if it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that men know exactly what they want and when they want it. So no matter how many cookies you bake, or how many times you have sleeps overs, you won’t change him. Move on!
- Friend Zone!Now Ladies, I know this is what we usually do to men when we aren’t interested, but did you know they do the same thing to us? I know, how dare they! These type of guys always look at you as one of the guys. You talk on the phone, you hang out but he never really fixes himself up and he asks you for advice about other girls he’s interested in. He flirts with other girls in your presence and overly uses the word friend with you. Do not fall for him! He’s not interested in you in that way. He thinks you’re a great friend, he appreciates your honesty and your willingness to be the wing man but he does not look at you as anything more. Don’t get caught up because when you’re falling for this type of man, you neglect to see the men who are really trying to pursue you.
Biggest RED flag: He doesn’t ask you out and he doesn’t take an interest in you or anything you do.
Ladies, you don’t want a man that’s not into you, not when God has created someone just for you. Falling for these types of guys will only delay your happiness.
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I believe as Christians who seek to glorify God it’s important to be patient and wait for the one who complements us, at a time when we’re ready to receive it. Falling into the wrong relationships knowingly does not please nor seek to glorify God; rather it is a method of self gratification whether it be from feeling pressured or just wanting something badly. I have had friends tell me that they knew they were with the wrong person, but they just couldn’t stand the mere thought of being alone. That it is a fearful way of thinking. Staying with someone you know isn’t the one does not demonstrate faith in an almighty God and the abundant blessings he has for your life, nor does it help fulfill your purpose. Scripture states “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11.
I am reaching a place where I am seeking and trusting God to help me recognize the right person, and shaping myself to be the Godly woman I was called to be. In the midst of this period it is important to be faithful and patient. Here are the ways I believe are helpful in doing so:
- Praying– Being in communication with God to not only shape your future partner, but to also help acknowledge when you hear his voice, so that way when a suitable partner does come along you know.
- Strengthening the Relationships You Have Now– A book titled, “A Course in Miracles” states, “Make your brotherly relationships more romantic and your romantic relationships more brotherly” and basically what this means is treating our friendships with the same significance that we put into romantic relationships. Our friendships are also important, and if we can maintain healthy relationships with friends and family this can transcend to our romantic relationships, making them that much more meaningful.
- Self-Improvement– Improving something about ourselves that may need some work. For example, learning to be more patient, working on building credit, whatever the case may be; your single period is a great time to work on things that may need improvement, because when you’re in a relationship those issues become more evident.
- Finding Your Purpose– It’s important to seek the purpose that God calls for your life, and not just a partner. When we know our purpose we can ensure God’s will be done, which enhances our relationships and the roles we play in them.
People and relationships are a type of commodity for this life that will never be fully understood. The beginning of your existence came from someone (Yo Mama) having the courage to push you out and then another person (The Doctor) having the intelligence to pull you out to prepare you for the life on this planet.
One of the most ironic statements I’ve heard and I know you’ve heard it too is, “I don’t need NO BODY, I can do this all BY MYSELF”
Maybe you’ve made that statement once or twice or possibly a few seconds before you clicked to read this article.
That statement is so far from the truth. If you needed HELP to get INTO THIS WORLD then you surely are going to need HELP to MAKE IT in this World.
This brings me to my point. Just like you need others, others need you.
The bible even states in Philippians 2:4, “ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
There is one key way I have seen over and over that literally ruins relationships and this is something you must stop doing in order to be the person your friends need you to be.
You have to stop taking things personal!
When you take things personal in relationships it robs the relationship the opportunity to grow into what its needs to become.
At any point of the relationship that you feel you are being personally attacked or sense your feelings being hurt you must guard your heart in order to be sober towards that person and their actions.
Here are 10 Reasons Why You Can’t Take Things Personal in Relationships:
- The other person’s actions may reflect pressure in his or her life.
- Your perspective on the situation may be misinterpreted.
- You may have unrealistic expectations of the relationship.
- You may have said something to cause them to react the way they did.
- You are not perfect.
- Your friends are not perfect
- The relationship is bigger than you.
- Forgiveness comes AFTER conflict.
- Your friend cannot read your mind.
- You will not agree with everything your relationships do.
Just like a diamond can only grow from pressure applied to it, the same is true for relationships. It is in the challenging times that relationships are given the opportunity to mature. You must program in your mind during times of conflict and trials that this is a moment for growth not destruction. Relationships either positively mature or negatively sink in times of conflict.
Your friends do not need you to assume the worse in them, but rather hope for the best in them.
Just like you need others, others need you.
Growing up, all of us encounter difficulties and disadvantages that shape our development as individuals. Most of the time, we never give any real thought to these circumstances. Instead, we accept these situations as the norm, carrying years of baggage from one developmental stage in life to another until we reach adulthood. Often, we don’t realize the problem of dragging this baggage along throughout our life until after we’ve gotten married. At that point, both husband and wife are either: A) trying to unpack years of baggage while also trying to build a solid foundation for a marriage, or B) Trying to build a solid foundation for your marriage on top of the baggage that exists. Neither option is a recipe for marital bliss. For this reason, all of us must be very intentional about confronting the child that lives within us.
Bringing childhood baggage into my own marriage caused utter chaos in the beginning. Both my beautiful wife and I grew up in very unhealthy environments. Extreme verbal abuse was rampant in my home, and in order to cope as a young child, I built in laughter as an automatic response to conflict. The first time my wife attempted to make herself vulnerable and shared the issues of her heart with me, the outcome of that situation was less than positive to say the least. I burst into laughter. She felt as though I was actively belittling her and mocking her feelings because of her childhood hurts and pains, but in reality, I was simply trying to process what she was saying while maintaining control of my emotions. This was an inappropriate and unacceptable response from me. Until both my wife and I began to intentionally attack the origins of those negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions, we would continually bump heads unnecessarily.
In 1 Corinthians 13:11, Paul said, “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. BUT when I grew up, I put away childish things.” As a single person, “unpacking your baggage” and putting away childish things are two of the greatest things you can do to prepare yourself for this journey called marriage. No matter what habits and tendencies you’ve accumulated as a result of your childhood circumstances, there’s no greater time than when you’re single to stand face to face with your inner child! You must look jealousy, insecurity, anger, resentment, irresponsibility, selfishness, or any other negative tendency directly in the face, and begin to deal with those emotions appropriately so that you don’t hinder your future marriage.
It won’t be an easy fight. It will take a ton of prayer and reading God’s word to discover God’s truths concerning marriage and gain the strength needed to win this battle. Prayer and spending time in the word of God can help you combat all of the negative responses you have built up to cope with life’s negative experiences. If you put in the work now, your future spouse will thank you down the road. If you’re already married like myself, but you never took the time time to confront your inner child, don’t fret my friend, it’s never too late to do this. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and you’re children to confront those behaviors that hold you back from truly becoming the best man/woman, husband/wife, father/mother, and child of God possible. Since my wife and I began that process a couple of years ago, I can honestly say our communication has never been better, and we’re headed to even greater heights than we’ve ever dreamed in our marriage! So, what are you waiting for? There’s no time like the present to confront your inner child, once and for all!
I am so proud of you. I don’t care about your past or even your last night, I simply care about your tomorrow. Abstaining from sex until marriage is one of the best ways to guard your heart and mind from attaching to someone before its appropriate time.
A man can put a condom on to protect you from an STD or pregnancy, but there is nothing to protect your heart, which is just as important.
If this is your desire for your dating relationship then there are 3 people you must have to assist you in this amazing goal. You can’t believe the hype that you can do this alone.
- An Agreeing Partner
Yes, your partner is the first most important person that must be on board with abstaining from sex until marriage. People always ask us when is it a good time to let a potential person know that you are desiring to wait until marriage to have sex. We tell them as soon as things are beginning to turn serious or once there has been a communicated intention of progressing towards a committed relationship. If that person doesn’t also share the same desire then you may want to reconsider moving forward. Abstaining from sex is a core value that must be agreed by both parties. If only one person agrees and the other person doesn’t, you will not be able to have a healthy dating relationship because the other person will just be waiting until you give in on that one special night.
2. An Inspiring Mentor
A mentor is someone that is NOT your friend. A friend is peer-level, but a mentor is someone you look up to. This could be an older married couple or someone from your church that has the ability and desire to see you make it to the altar without giving into the desire to have sex. A mentor is someone that agrees with you and your partner’s goal and will be consistent to check in with you throughout your dating process. To acquire someone like this is just a simple ask.
- A Strong Friend
This is the 2nd most important person that will give you the encouragement you need to stay strong during your season of dating to not give into the temptation to have sex. A strong friend is one that is not going to waver and will continue to keep you accountable for every action you make. They will not be easy on you and you must allow them access into every detail in order for this relationship to work to its full capacity. If you do fall short or come close to falling then this person will encourage you but also discuss the situation to see how to prevent it from happening again. You need a strong friend.
My wife and I were able to abstain from sex our entire dating process and it was one of the best decisions we made. We both had these 3 types of people in our lives that were able to walk with us to ensure we didn’t give into the temptation to awaken love before we said, “I Do” to one another. You can do it too. No matter where you find yourself right now. It’s okay to start over today and make that commitment to God and yourself. I promise it will be worth it.
Entering into my third year of marriage and having the opportunity to speak, encourage and minister to singles on a daily and weekly basis. I have come to the realization that if I had the info that I have now per how to “Become the One” for my future spouse, there would have been two areas in which I would have put more energy, prayer and time into. I pray these areas encourage you to dig a little deeper and get guidance in if you are lacking any!
Healing Of Your Soul– This is an area in which I wish I would have taken the time to get healing in.Your soul is comprised of your mind, will and emotions. So much of who we are is effected by what has taken place in these three areas of our soul. In each area we should strive to get healing and restoration in if we are lacking wholeness. How do you know if you are lacking wholeness in your soul? You have no peace, you’re bitter, angry, you lack love, are insecure, selfish, you lack identity and purpose. These are just a few roots in which you will recognize if you are in need of healing in your soul. Once I got married, I realized that I had not taken a season to really dig into the deep issues of my heart to receive insight, wisdom and healing to help me become aware and even more sensitive to the season in which I was in so that I could be a better helpmate for my spouse. Psalms 50:15 “And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
Mentorship– Mentorship was a foreign word to me when I was unmarried. I was brought up in a community in which it was not truly seen as being necessary or imperative for healthy development per becoming a whole woman both spiritually and naturally. I look back at my season of preparation and I see that if I had someone in my life who was successful in an area in which I desired to grow and mature in, I would have excelled both spiritually and naturally. It is necessary for you to have someone who is able to see the potential in you when you do not see it. Someone who is called to you, your life and season! 1 Thessalonians 2:8 “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.
Even though I lacked the “fullness” of these two areas prior to marriage, God has remained faithful and has allowed me to walk through deliverance and be surrounded by amazing mentors and women who exemplify and exude grace, beauty and power! So if you are married it is not too late to walk in WHOLENESS and for God to bring you a mentor who will push you in more ways than one! If you are unmarried really ask the Lord to bring healing to your mind, will and emotions and pray for the Lord to send you a woman or man who will help pray, push and accelerate you into your God given purpose.
This question is very solid and whether you are currently engaged, dating, or single the answer to this question will help you tremendously for when it is time to cross this bridge.Time is a very important commodity not only in relationship, but also in life in general. It is through time that things have the opportunity to mature, develop, and evolve granting the ability to make sound decisions.
Even God understands the power of time and seasons. We find the Bible stating in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.”
In relationships timing is basically everything. Something done too soon could ruin the potential of that thing, but also something done too late could also have an equal amount of damage.
Now, hear me when I say this. There is no one size fits all in regards to timing for the decision to marry.
What does that mean? You cannot base your timeline on someone else’s timeline. Now, is there a such thing as to long?
Yes.
But, is everyone’s to long measuring stick going to be the same?
No.
My wife and I were engaged after only 4 months of dating and married 6 months later. I didn’t use anyone else’s relationship as the measuring stick, but simply used wisdom as the measuring stick.I knew she was the right one for me and we both were in the right season to make that commitment. This is after receiving the peace and permission from God, her parents, my pastor, my parents, and my close friends. I believe strongly in community.
A man that knows what he wants will make it happen and will communicate his intentions to you.
A man that isn’t ready for marriage will find every excuse in the book to prolong the decision for marriage. This is why you must guard your heart, mind, and body until he fully earns all access to you by putting a ring on your finger.
The greatest key to eliminate any form of confusion during your dating process is communication. My wife and I were able to have a serious conversation about our future, while I was still able to keep an element of surprise for when I proposed.
I always say, when you see those marriage proposals gone bad it’s because there was no communication prior to that moment.
Where all the good men at? How many times have you heard that statement? If I had a dollar for each time I heard it, my rent would be covered next month…ok, maybe not. Anywho, my response to that question is “What are you doing to attract a “Good” man?”
The other day I was reading the story of Rachel and Leah, literally rolling in my floor, and I was reminded that to get a “GOOD” man, you have to have “GOOD” bait (so to speak). Rachel managed to get a man to work 14 years for her! How! How the heck did she captivate Jacob so much to the point where he was willing to work for her love….for 14 years? Though we may never know the answer, if we pay close attention, there are three qualities Rachel possessed that I believe every single woman desiring a “GOOD” man should possess as well.
Stand Out
Gen 29:9 “While he was still talking with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep, for she was a shepherd.”
Not many women in the Bible were shepherds, but Rachel was! Whether intentional or unintentional, Rachel did what many women weren’t, thus capturing the attention of Jacob.
What are you doing differently? Are you following the crowd or making your own path? Unfortunately when you’re doing what everyone else is doing, you blend in! No “GOOD” man desires a replica of what’s already out there, to my knowledge they desire someone that’s “one of a kind”.
Be Pleasing to the Eye
Gen 29:17 Leah had weak[a] eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful.
Ladies!!!! Ladies!!! Ladies!!!! I beg of you to look like something when you leave your home, no matter where you are going! Having an older bother and several older cousins, I’ve learned that men are EXTREMELY visual! Very few “GOOD” men want women who leave the house in their bonnets and are unkept. If you want to get noticed, look like something worth looking at.
Beauty goes far beyond the outward appearance; you must beautify your heart as well! No man, “GOOD” or “BAD” wants a woman who is bitter, angry and disrespectful!
Be Chased, Don’t Chase
Gen 29:27 Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.
After working seven years, Jacob was given Leah, but he still had a desire for Rachel; Jacob worked another 7 years to get what he wanted! A “GOOD” man will do the same! Maybe not seven years, but he will go after what he wants. Not once did we see Rachel running after Jacob. She allowed him to pursue her. When a “GOOD” man wants something, you don’t have to throw yourself at him, he’ll let you know if he wants you or not by his pursuit alone.
Take it from Rachel, it pays to be different, beautiful and patient! It won her a man who was madly in love with her! There are “GOOD” men out there! Make sure your bait matches your desired catch!
XOXO,
Shannon