Tag: relationships

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Home Marriage

5 Things You Will Learn Only AFTER Marriage

Bride and groom put their hands together on wedding bouquet

I am the queen of marriage preparation. I believe that in order to have a healthy marriage it is so important that you prepare as best as you can. As a pastor and therapist, I counseled countless people on marital issues before I got married but there are certain things that I have a clearer sense of and understanding of now that I am married.
 1. Covenant– Covenant is not something that can be taught but it has to be felt, there is something about saying “I do” that seals the deal. You can live with someone for years, but there is something about saying till death do us part that puts a sense of reverence and determination in your heart to make it work(or at least it should)
2. Bond– Scripture says a man will leave his family and cleave or be glued to his wife. The bond that is formed in marriage really is supernatural. Once again, it is something felt, it makes you want to go to the end of the world for the one you love, it makes you know and feel like you will never have to face the world again.
3.  Security- Not only is there financial security in a healthy marriage, there is emotional security. Marriage gives you someone to pour your heart to and  should be the place where you feel safe to be weak and to be strong; it helps anchor you in who you knew you were always meant to be.
4.  Joy- The joy that comes in the hard work, in laying your desires, yourself down, in choosing another person over yourself daily. While at times it is hard there is joy in living for something bigger than yourself.
5.  Commitment– Marriage is the most important commitment you will ever make. Commitment matures a person; it teaches us to not to give up,  to learn grit. and to have an ability to stick things out.
We thank God for the opportunity to love someone the way He loves the church daily! Do not see marriage as work but as joy, an opportunity to grow like Him.

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Home Marriage

Why Every Marriage Should Have a Mission and a Mandate.

People get married for many reasons, the reasons range from being in love, in lust, finding a best friend, being led by God, etc. One of the most important things that a couple most know is WHY God has brought them together.
In order to do this, each individual must have clarity on their purpose and why God created them. It is very difficult to enter into a marriage with purpose when you do not know your purpose.
We have all learned by now that marriage for Christians is not just about the two people loving each other but a lot about what God has put in each of them and how they can make an impact in the earth.
Every marriage should have a mission beyond having children and making a lot of money. Why has God put you together? What are you could to achieve as a couple?
Your mission or mandate will be the glue when your marriage gets hard. Having a mission for your marriage helps you fight for something bigger than yourself.  When both realize that they are not just in this thing for themselves, they are more likely to work harder to stay together.
Here are some questions to ask your spouse in order to create a mission.

  1. What do I bring to the table?
  2. How can my spouse and I fuse our strengths and passions?
  3. What is something we are both passionate about?
  4. What are the steps we need to take to live out this mission?

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Dating/Courting Parenting

Dating and the Single Parent: 4 Ways to Date God's Way

Dark-skinned young couple sitting at restaurant: black man in glasses holding his girlfriend's hands, declaring his love to her or proposing on their anniversary day, both looking happy and cheerful

Being a single parent and dating can be a great experience when it is done God’s way. In my experience, I became a single mother at 22 and came to Christ at the age of 25. I learned very quickly the difference between the world of modern dating and dating God’s way. Growing in God helped me to understand that godly dating and courtship is the precursor to marriage with God as the foundation. I also wanted to give my daughter a godly image of dating so she would be anchored in God’s ways. Here’s what dating as a single parent taught me:

  1. Pursue God. God wants us to pursue Him. He desires that we not search for love or seek self-worth in the pursuit of a mate. Nothing compares to a man or woman who pursues God and shines God’s love and light from the inside out. Jeremiah 31:3 says that “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” This means that you are already loved, fearfully and wonderfully made, and accepted by God. You can rest assured that His love is enough.
  1. Wisdom is the Principal Thing. How many times have you dated only to realize later that he or she was wrong for you? As you date, ask God to give you wisdom and show you His perspective on your relationship daily to make quality decisions. You can trust God to lead and protect you because He wants the absolute best for you (Proverbs 3:5-6). Once He shows you His perspective, follow His guidance. Having a Christ-centered perspective is important because our decisions are based on how we see things. Seeing your relationship from God’s vantage point will help you avoid unnecessary issues. After all, God’s goal for dating is for marriage and family. Wisdom and discernment will help you understand if you and your potential date have similar values and if children will be blessed by being a blended family.
  1. Have Patience. The world’s perspective on dating symbolizes a rush mentality. As Christians, God’s timing is always best because rushing into a relationship will produce half-baked results (Philippians 4:6). When dating, I learned that it was ok to relax and wait to be pursued by my mate (who is now my husband!), keeping God in the center of our relationship and lives. Understanding your motivations for dating will prevent you from jumping in and out of dating relationships. You want to make sure that the person that you date has good moral character (encourages and challenges you to walk closer with God, submissive to God, humble, self-controlled, and demonstrates good parenting behaviors).
  1. Set boundaries. I introduced my daughter to my mate (now my husband) slowly after dating 3 months because I wanted to make sure he was an ideal future husband and a safe influence for her. I limited the number of dates per week and even set a curfew for our dates to prevent compromising situations. It was important to follow biblical standards to show my daughter (who was then 7) how to responsibly date the godly way.

Dating as a single parent can be an awesome learning experience with God. Take time to enjoy and trust God as He leads your life, and have fun dating God’s way!
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

Wifey Material or Nah?

If Proverbs 18:22 tells us “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, why do we believe wives are made after saying I do?
The scripture does not say he who finds a woman, then makes her his wife. Unmarried women let me encourage you today…..You don’t have to wait to be approached by a man before you are made into a wife! When you submit your life to the Lord and allow him to lead and guide you, he can teach you how to embody the characteristics of a wife!
Becoming a wife is not simply about being a great cook, being able to clean a house spotless or being able to bare children. Your qualifications of becoming a wife are not simply based on what the world say a wife is. After all, to the world many women with marriage certificates are wives. We see reality shows such as “Basketball Wives” or “Real Housewives of Atlanta” where the wives portrayed are half-dressed, spends money excessively, are always in drama, are rarely with their children, can’t cook, transfer from husband to husband based on who has the highest salary and are more concerned with being popular and the latest fashion than building their homes.
According to the book of Proverbs it takes more than a willing man, a ring, ceremony and a marriage certificate to become a wife. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a wife as a type of woman who…

  • has good character
  • is unselfish
  • is a nurturer
  • is good with money and knows how to multiply what she has
  • She is a provider and is good with her hands
  • she is respected and gives respect
  • she is productive and not lazy
  • she is a giver and knows how to serve others
  • she takes care of her appearance
  • she is full of wisdom
  • she knows how to watch her tongue
  • she is faithful
  • and most importantly she fears the Lord

Ladies, the next time you feel the desire to ask God for a husband, ask yourself first….”Am I am Wife?”
Let the word of God become your standard so he can make you ready for your future! When your future husband finds you, you don’t want him to just find a woman, but you want him to find a wife!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Poisons That Don't Belong in Relationships

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Throughout life, it’s inevitable that our hearts and minds will take beatings in ways that can potentially have a negative effect on our view of ourselves and others. The problem is, when we allow those negative thoughts to reign over the reality of who God says we are, they can cause some serious damage in our relationships.
In order to maintain a thriving relationship – whether it’s a friendship, a relationship, marriage, or with a family member – I believe it’s incredibly important to recognize when you’ve allowed these ‘poisons’ into your life, and then get rid of them!
Here are five poisons that I have observed:

  1. Insecurities: Insecurities are incredibly easy to pick up. The truth is, an insecurity represents an area of your life that is not under the authority of God. Acknowledging insecurities that you carry is a good start to getting rid of them.  Then it’s important to pursue what God says about it, and let Him have the final say.
  2. Comparisons: The problem with comparisons is that they will never end once you start! Someone will always be more ____[fill-in-the-blank] than you. But there will never be anyone who has the exact combination of gifts, personality, appearance, history, and desires as you do! The world can’t have another human being exactly just like you, so why deprive them? Figure out what makes you unique and celebrate those qualities, instead of wishing you were like someone else. Otherwise, it is an open door for jealousy, shame and self-deprecation – all of which can wreak havoc on your relationships because you will only be able to love the other person according to how much you love yourself.
  3. Negative assumptions: Assuming the worst in someone will likely bring the worst out of them. Of course people are going to let you down. Of course people are going to fail. But if you continually expect the worst to happen you may create some false truths about the other, along with missing a lot of good that may be going on! In general, assuming the best has a way of raising the other to a higher standard, along with freeing yourself from worry, anxiety, frustration, etc.
  4. Fear: Fear causes us to make decisions that may not be rooted in wisdom or love. This can put a huge strain on relationships, especially when the other isn’t aware of fears you may struggle with. It’s important to keep your motivation in check. Ask yourself why you are making a decision. Are you afraid of what could happen if you don’t? Or is it because you are certain it is right for the circumstances you’re in?
  5. Lack of Vulnerability: It is impossible to deeply connect with another person if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Not expressing feelings or opening up can only last so long until it creates a tension in a relationship. Being vulnerable may be scary at times, but has a way of developing a safe place which in turn allows a relationship to progress. Without progression, relationships tend to just go backward or fall apart.Above all, relationships take work and being intentional! The more proactive you can be about not allowing these ‘poisons’ in your relationships, the more life-giving they will be.

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Marriage

Marriage Hacks: 6 Keys to Ensure a Healthy & Happy Marriage

1) Have realistic expectations.
We know our spouse isn’t perfect, so why do we act so surprised when they give us proof they’re not perfect? We must accept there will be hard times, and some days will be less stellar than others.
Here are some reasonable expectations for your marriage:

  • We will be faithful to one another
  • We will be honest with one another.
  • We will be patient with one another.
  • We will serve one another.

2)  Focus on self-improvement, not spouse improvement.
Be the kind of spouse you’re looking to have. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How can I communicate better?
  • How can I show more respect?
  • How can I bring out the best in him/her?
  • How can I better serve him/her?

3) Get a plan for working through conflict. 
We’re all different. We all process and handle things differently. We all come in broken and we must have a plan to work through conflict to ensure a healthy God-honoring marriage. Here are some ways to handle conflict positively:

  • Assume the best. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
  • Seek first to understand, then to be understood. LISTEN! Hear what they’re meaning. Not just what they’re saying.
  • Respect your spouse’s style of processing. Give yourselves a few minutes to process, then come back. And before you re-enter the conflict, take a moment to pray for one another.
  • Be quick to say “I’m sorry”.
  • Be quick to forgive.
  • Address issues without attacking.
  • Don’t go to bed angry.

4) Follow God’s plan, not the worlds pattern.
Marriage should be a place of grace and truth. It’s not all about a huge fancy ceremony. Take the time to truly invest in maintaining your marriage.
5) Never stop growing in communication.
Be very intentional about building a culture of open, honest and respectable communication with your spouse. No matter how good you become at this, never become complacent. There’s always room for improvement.
6) Resolve that quitting is not an option!
This is the key. No matter what happens, REFUSE TO QUIT! This is the key to divorce proofing your marriage! We live in a world that’s all about the flavor of the moment and many treat marriage the same way. Realize that when you choose to stand before your spouse, you’re not only making a commitment to them, but you’re also making a covenant before God. Always honor both that commitment and that covenant.
These hacks are by no means all-encompassing; however, if you take advantage of them, your marriage will definitely benefit. I know mine has!
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

The Superpower Every Man Needs From Their Woman

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

“The Lord God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” Genesis 2:18

Did you know God created women with superpowers? Well, he did. When God created us, he gave us special capabilities to HELP the men in our life progress….and on the flip side, regress!

When I think of a “helper”, I think of someone willing to do what it takes to ensure the goal is met. Someone who is encouraging, speaks positively, and uplifts the one he/she is helping.  The problem is, women are often associated with the terms “nagging” and “complaining” (in our defense, some of us are just stating what we see). Anywho, my point is God equipped us to assist our loved ones (males specifically) across their finish line(s). Problem is, some of us are killing them, their hopes, and dreams before they can reach them.
Proverbs 21:19 “ Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”. Why would it be better for a man to live in a desert, rather than with his helpmate, who nags occasionally?  Question…Have you ever tried to work on something and a fly KEPT buzzing around you? How distracting did it become? How much more would you have been able to accomplish had the fly NOT been around.

The same goes for being a helpmate. Men need encouragement! Though they may never express it, they too struggle with insecurities, fears, possibilities and disappointments. To have someone constantly remind you of your shortcomings and failures has a way of killing what little hope was left.

Instead, I challenge those who are in relationships (married or courting) to use your superpowers for good, not evil! Lift the men in your life up, encourage them, remind them of the king that lives within, and watch their drive and motivation kick in! In my experience, men are most concerned with the opinion of those closest to them.
Ladies, with our words alone we have the power to EMPOWER, INSPIRE, PUSH and MOTIVATE our men to be EVERYTHING GOD CALLED THEM TO BE! There’s only one problem, many of us have grown accustom to sharing their flaws, killing their self-esteem and making them feel invaluable, which has the power to hinder them from completing the task they were ultimately sent here to complete.
These last few weeks have been eye opening to me. I’ve learned, the right amount of listening, encouraging, motivating and praying goes much further than my nagging!

Be encouraged.

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

5 Benefits of Marrying Your Best Friend

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

As many guy best friends often get stuck in the “friend zone,” here are some points to consider on why your best friend may just be the perfect spouse in the making.
 

  1. You enjoy the same things.

Chances are if he is your best friend, you probably have a few things in common – whether that’s hiking, reading books, your passion for working out, ministry, etc. You probably share common interests that make you enjoy this person’s company. Knowing you like the same things can only help to guarantee that you will always have fun!
 

  1.  They know you better than you know yourself.

 
Although this may not be entirely true, your best friend has the ability to recognize things about you that you may not see for yourself, constantly encouraging you to be the best version of YOU! With marriage being a super friendship, having a partner that supports you and loves you unconditionally for who you are will go a long way.
 

  1. What you see is what you get – as in, you know what you are getting into.

When a relationship starts after a friendship, it is likely that you have seen this person at their highest and lowest, through their ups and downs. Starting with a friendship allows you to see how this person will react in different situations because they are not trying to impress you, but are merely being themselves. Friendship allows you to see an individual in their most natural form, before feelings enter and potentially blur judgments or cloud perspective.
 

  1. You share the same morals, values, and beliefs.

Although I don’t think any two people may ever be 100% on the same page, sharing your life with someone that has the same ideology as you will have positive effects on your relationship. It allows you to connect on a deeper level, and ensure the foundation of your own family would be raised up on those same values that are important to you.
 

  1. When the feelings fade, you still like each other.

Feelings are a funny thing – they come and go, but true love is deeper than a feeling. A relationship built on friendship instills a greater, more firm foundation rather than one built on something that is fleeting. You realize you enjoy being around this person because you like who they are as a whole, not just for their looks or something superficial. Aside from feelings, friendship may also carry a deeper sense of trust and loyalty. Often best friends have gone through many seasons with you, and to remain by your side through it all, may give just a glimpse of how your love could stand the test of time.
 
I hope this challenges you to revisit your original thoughts on a friendship you may have. Who knows, your future husband could be that friend you swore you would never date as my husband once said about me.  
 
 

Categories
Marriage

5 Reasons Why The Currys are Relationship Goals

Since second-time, MVP Stephen Curry’s balling skills came to the NBA forefront, he’s been all the rage. Not only has he demonstrated superb talent on the court but a love for God and family that is rarely seen on the sidelines. Not to mention,  he allows his spunky daughter to steal his shine and has a supportive wife to have his back when the haters call, is deserving of cool points. Many have called their love “relationship goals” which I concur. In recent months they’ve been at the center of silly Memes and clap back Tweets. I guess when you receive that much attention you must be doing something right. I’m really impressed by this wholesome and humble couple and I love their love. Which is why I’ve gathered together the 5 reasons why the Currys are relationship goals.
1. They Met in Church:  Church has always been known as the ideal place to find a good mate, especially as a Christian; however it  almost sounds cliché ’cause it isn’t  always likely. However, the two actually met each other through their church’s youth group and what better place to meet your spouse than the at the Lord’s house?
2. They Put God First: Which comes as no surprise given that they met each other at church. However, they are not afraid to speak publicly about their faith and how God deserves all the glory; and when God is at the center of your life and your relationship, it’s bound to succeed.
3.  Their Love of Family: They clearly demonstrate their love and support for each other- Ayesha cheering him on during his games and bringing their girls along, is a special sight to see and I’m sure helps keep him humble.
4. Their Individual Success: They both have their individual talents and success, which I believe is important in a relationship, so you don’t feel like you’re being overshadowed by your partner. Steph’s skills obviously lie on the court while Ayesha is not solely known for being his wife, but she also has her own brand centered around her passion for cooking. She will be coming out with her very own cooking show and a pop-up restaurant showcasing her skills.
5. They Stay Classy: Although Tweeting can be hard to resist when it seems people want to tear you down for no reason; they both keep it classy even when they’re the center of negative attention. They don’t attack back by resorting to distasteful words (well except for the time Ayesha claimed the NBA was rigged lol) but it’s okay, she apologized, and no one is perfect. All the while their love of God, family, and each other still remains. Now how’s that for Relationship Goals?

Categories
Communication Marriage

If Your Wife Feels Disconnected From You Then Quickly Do These Three Things

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How long does it take to disconnect your TV from the wall?  1 second to unplug it.

How long does it take to have your wife feel connected to you? Depends on how long you have been disconnected.
If you feel that there is a gap in your relationship or you have heard the following from your wife:
“I wish we spent more time together.”
“We haven’t talked in a while.”
Or “I feel disconnected from you.”
You need to quickly do the following 3 things to bring a strong connection back to the relationship.
1. Unplug from all media
If your wife feels disconnected from you, it probably means that you are connected to something else. You might need to unplug from TV so you can begin reconnecting with your wife. You might need to disconnect from your phone more. Don’t allow electronic devices to take away from your ability to connect with her. They are helpful at times, but most often they contribute to a disconnect.
2. Binge-wifing
In college, I remember people (i.e. me) binge-watching movies all night. We could watch all the Rocky movies in 9 or 10 hours.  Today, people could binge-watch the Hobbit/Lord of the Rings or the latest Marvel movies.  What would happen if you took a significant amount of time to re-invest your heart and mind in your wife?
This is what I mean by binge-wifing (yea, I just created that nonsensical word when I was writing this post). You can quickly reconnect with your wife by laughing, reminiscing, and sharing memories of the past and visions of the future. Instead of spending hours watching movies, you could spend hours reconnecting with your wife. Here are some ways to do this:

  • Go to a marriage conference
  • Play board games
  • Watch her favorite movies together.
  • Go on a walk with her every night together.
  • Pray with her before work begins or before bed.

3. Apologize to her and change
Admit you have allowed the disconnecting. Tell her you are sorry for this and are making changes to your role in the relationship. Tell her that you are wanting more accountability from her if she sees you connecting to other things more than you are with her. Be contrite. Be sincere. And then start connecting. You can do this!
Question: What do you do to make sure you stay connected to your wife?