Tag: relationships

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Dating/Courting Home

How to Identify The Counterfeit

The enemy knows exactly what you want in a man. When we’re having girl talk with our friends or when we are talking with ourselves about the qualities we want in a man, the enemy is listening and  you can bet that he is devising a plan to distract you.
Enter the counterfeit.
He may have succeeded a time or two or three… yes that guy from freshman year was a counterfeit and so was the guy from graduation. Ok. Ok. Ok. Him too. But wait we don’t have to go down memory lane, let’s just refocus here.
The point of this blog is to share with you ways you can identify a counterfeit so we no longer get tricked by the enemy. Now if you can’t get past his physical appearance then it will be hard for you to even see through to his heart. The heart reveals all things.
Being single for seven years has definitely taught me how to identify a counterfeit.

  • Counterfeits pretend they respect your boundaries. When really, they test them.
  • Counterfeits pretend to live by biblical principles. When really, they flirt with sin.
  • Counterfeits are very prideful- not a humble bone in their bodies.
  • Counterfeits are good pretenders. In public they will act like the good, Christian man ,but behind closed doors, he will be the total opposite.

Be careful or you will fall into the trap.

  • Counterfeits don’t have any real intentions. They drag you along, making promises they never plan on committing to.
  • Counterfeits will also attempt to seduce you with what they have-cars and money. They flash it around as if it’s all they have to offer. I guess they never listened to that LL Cool J song when he said “man makes the money, money never makes the man”
  • Counterfeits appear to be the real thing. But they aren’t. They are just wolves in sheep’s clothing.. or coating. (I never really knew what they were saying, but it’s still a really good quote).

They come to rob you of what God is preparing for you. Which is why you have to be able to recognize them when they come along. Being involved with a counterfeit doesn’t lead you any closer to the altar, in fact, it leads you further away.
Having the ability to recognize a counterfeit also saves you from heartache. You won’t have to ugly cry in your pajamas while you sing along to Beyonce’ – To the left To the left, everything you own in the box to the left”.. you know, getting your “Lemonade” on. You see, counterfeits don’t care anything about your soul, all they care about is….  well you know what they care about.
Don’t get caught up Ladies.
I certainly hope that this article was helpful to you. I know I am a much better woman because of my past experiences and I hope what I went through could help save you from a broken heart.

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Communication Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

2 Ways to Establish Healthy Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

Cheerful couple behind table at home

Establishing healthy boundaries is essential to protect your marriage against temptation from the enemy. Proverbs 22:3 shares that “the prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” Healthy boundaries are like guardrails and safeguards that promote the health, sacredness, and integrity of your relationship. The enemy will use infidelity to steal, kill, and destroy your marriage (John 10:10). It is important that couples use wisdom, recognizing temptation and red flags before they start to be intentional about cultivating a strong marriage that withstands the enemy’s tactics.
Here are two ways to establish healthy boundaries:
1.  Online boundaries: Being mindful of time spent on the Internet and social media is a safety net to guard against infidelity. Giving more attention to online activities versus your relationship is a recipe for disaster. Also, freely sharing your passwords is a safeguard that promotes integrity and transparency to avoid the tricks of the enemy. After all, love and respect for your spouse means being honest and devoting more time to nurturing your spouse and your relationship. Establishing a set time of turning off phones and computers shows your spouse that they are cherished, important, and worth your attention.
Your friendship with your spouse is important to cultivate a healthy marriage as well. The enemy enjoys using your past to derail your present and future. Something else to consider is rekindling past relationships on the Internet and social media. Honoring God and your spouse at all costs means not reliving your past to prevent present damage to your marriage’s future.
2. Personal boundaries: Any interactions with the opposite sex can be an avenue that the enemy uses to deliberately destroy your marriage. This includes interactions and meetings in person, via email, social media, and phone, etc. Sometimes spouses can entertain the lie of the enemy that “it is okay if your spouse doesn’t know or one meeting won’t hurt anything.” This creates distrust and doorways that the enemy can use to sabotage your union. As a safeguard, intentionally involving your spouse during interactions and meetings can deter the enemy’s plans. Remember, transparency is the key!
Establishing online and personal boundaries will protect your marriage at all costs, building a strong and healthy relationship. What practical boundaries would you consider adding to your list?

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Dating/Courting Engaged Physical Intimacy Single Spiritual Intimacy

Three Signs You’re Ignoring That Your Relationship is Wrong

Years ago, when I was younger (too young), I was in a relationship with a girl of a different faith. Despite our different beliefs, we got along wonderfully. We made one another laugh, we encouraged each other when we were down, and we left God completely out of the relationship.
On a side note, “missionary dating” is not a thing. It is a distraction and an excuse for you to suppress the Holy Spirit. You hope that, by some miracle, your “light” for Jesus will draw them home, as you “minister” to him or her by leading them on. Let’s stop that.
Now, back to my story. One evening, I was home alone. The wind was howling, the freezing rain was pelting the windows, and the winter air was wafting under the door, and I had some scented candles lit for some ambiance.
I had just had a disagreement with my parents about this girl I was seeing who didn’t love Jesus. In spite of all of my reasoning, I just could not get that argument out of my head. To distract myself, I turned on the TV. The first channel that popped up was a Christian broadcasting channel. The first words that came out of that pastor’s mouth were something along the lines of, “You know when you’re disobeying God, so drop that sin, repent, and He will restore you!”
I glared at the TV and shot back, “I am not breaking up with Rebekah!” Instantly, the thunder quaked, the TV shut off, and a breeze blew through my living room, snuffing out the candles. The feeling of conviction and holy fear was overwhelming.
I broke it off with Rebekah.
Maybe you’ve been where I was, or know someone in that situation.
Stop assuming God is in your relationship if you have these three red flags:

  1. He or she draws out your sexuality over your sanctification. It was extremely easy to “shelf” my Christianity, because Rebekah knew what a teenage boy was after, and I had never been kissed. The human sex drive is a powerful function that God created, for marriage. The world wants us to sell out for a moment of pleasure. If this relationship ever—whether because of infatuation, sexual desire, or mere distraction—causes you to forget and abandon your First Love, God is not glorified, and this relationship is not from Him.
  2. You find yourself batting away caution on a regular basis. I’ve had it both ways: good and bad, in terms of relationships. With this ungodly relationship, I would enjoy being with this girl, laugh all the way home, and frown as I drifted off to sleep. When I was with the girl who is now my wife, we would worship together in the car; I would cover her and champion purity in our relationship, and I would go to bed at night, feeling closer to my First Love because of Sarah. If you are swatting at foreboding, convicting thoughts, you are in danger of hardening your heart and suppressing the Holy Spirit’s leading.
  3. Family, friends, and spiritual leaders warn you of the dangers of the relationship. Whether by mere outside perspective, spiritual discernment, or recalling their own past experiences, the godly people in your life who voice some red flags about your relationship are valid voices. They aren’t infatuated with the person, so they aren’t under the influence of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin (the chemicals released in your brain when you fall in love).

God renews our minds to want what He wants. And it is so good. Please, don’t sell yourself short. Save yourself for Jesus and watch as He shapes your desires into un-shakeable standards, and then provides the mate to meet those standards!

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Finances

Relationships & Finances: Why Women Have Better Credit Than Men

Worried young African American couple looking through bills online

Yes. The argument has just begun lol. This is actually not a debate, I have seen over 8400 credit reports in 5 years and the numbers are about the same now versus 5 years ago. In this blog post, I will explain a couple of reasons why most women have better credit scores than men. It’s not that men don’t have great credit. It’s the fact that more women simply care more about their credit scores and reports.
Men, like we always do, seem to let our ego get in the way and act as if we know it all when in most cases, we don’t. This post is not to belittle men,  I myself fell victim to this before and if it wasn’t for my wife, we wouldn’t have accomplished as many goals as we have. So trust me, I understand first hand. As you read this, don’t take anything personal, this is not all women or men, but it is most. Let me break down why.
Women Simply Care More About Their Credit
Women make the same mistakes that men do but, they have no problem looking for someone to help them improve their credit score. Most women actually care about having better credit scores. Men on the other hand, sugar coat the issue and believe that they have all of the answers. I truly believe that because of our ego, we put a limit to our success and in this case, our credit scores. I have personally spoken in front of many audiences and during my presentations, women are taking notes and being more attentive.
For the most part, many men feel like there is no room for credit improvement or that there are no mistakes in their financial lives. Men feel like their money is being graded by how much they make. Because of this, we end up paying cash for everything which is good and bad. It’s good because it doesn’t create unnecessary debt. It’s bad because we feel that if we pay cash, others can see how we are doing based on material things and how we pay for them.
The Problem With Women That Have Great Credit
We all know that most women have great hearts and they like helping people. The problem with this is that some people take advantage of them. For example, cosigning for a loan, living space, cell phone, credit card, or etc. I am not saying that cosigning is bad, but there is a time when you should do it and when you should stay away from it.
This will eventually lead to lower credit scores if the person without the best credit becomes late on payments, misses payments, or closes out the account with an open balance due. This does not happen all the time but why put yourself in a situation that you cannot control 100%?
What Men Have To Understand
Men that don’t have the best credit must understand that it is not ok to keep going through life without knowing how credit works. We have to know that buying a car from a “Buy Here, Pay Here” will not help us in the long run when we need another car. It’s ok to pay cash for things yes, but most incomes will not be sufficient when it comes down to a reliable car/truck or home purchase. We have to learn for ourselves instead of depending on our female counterparts for credit support and know that life is easier with better credit scores. I am not saying don’t ask for help when needed, I am simply saying make sure you create a plan for yourself after the help is complete.
The Bottom Line
I hope I didn’t upset anyone with this article. For those of you who have read from me in the past, you know that I always provide the best insight I possibly can and it may come with a little tough love as well. I want the absolute best for everyone but I see too many adults not taking responsibility for their finances.
 
Calvin Russell Jr is a Certified FICO Professional, Approved Partner With Bankrate, and the CEO & Founder of GoSimplyPro Credit Consultation. GoSimplyPro Credit Consultation is a Chicago based Credit Repair Company that helps clients get better credit scores. GoSimplyPro Credit Consultation has helped hundreds of people increase their credit scores, qualify for homes, cars, and lower interest rates with their personal, Step-By- Step Game Plans. Contact us today to learn more at 877.205.7771 or email us at info@gosimplypro.com.

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Dating/Courting Marriage

3 Character Flaws That Are Causing Your Relationship Struggles

Couple not talking after a fight on the sofa in living room at home

Once the honeymoon stage is over, the human, flawed version of your significant other will begin to show. After looking back at arguments my husband and I had in the first year of our marriage, I began to notice some recurring roots and how they inhibited us from resolving quickly. Disagreements are going to happen, that’s a given – what matters is how you respond to them. Here are some common hindrances that are keeping you from managing conflict in a healthy way.
1.  Stubbornness
Stubbornness at its core is a pride issue. When responding with stubbornness in an argument, it is often a resistance to change and a struggle of idolizing your way or your opinion. The key to overcoming stubbornness in conflict is a healthy dose of compromise. You cannot expect your significant other to change all their habits and ways to match yours – it is unrealistic! You are two different people. Be willing to listen to what they have to say.
2.  Selfishness
Want to know how selfish you are? Get married. When you join your life with another person you begin to see how you have to make sacrifices for the health and growth of your relationship or the betterment of your family. It can be challenging when you have another person to take into consideration for all your decisions, and it is also impacted by the consequences of your actions.
 
Is not getting your way worth sitting in different rooms or enduring a long, silent car ride for hours not talking to each other? Act like an adult, own up to your mistakes, take the blame, and say sorry. Decide how you are going to move forward and prevent the situation from happening again.
 
3.  Lack of Communication/Miscommunication
Many of times I have found that the fight was started either because something was communicated/received in a way other than intended, or there was no communication, leading to a vast array of potential outcomes. One of the best lessons you will ever learn: your spouse is not a mind reader! If you want help, ask! You can’t get upset with your significant other if they had no reason to think, act, or respond otherwise. Often times women want men to “just know” that they need help with the dishes after dinner, or the laundry left over in the dryer. Men function better with direct communication instead of beating around the bush in hopes that they just “get it”.
 
If an argument is due to communication, acknowledge where the gap occurred, and develop a plan to avoid it in the future. There is no need to place fault on either party (communication is a two way street – the talker and the receiver). Just learn from it and move forward.
 
And just in case you do find yourself in a quarrel with your partner, make some non-negotiables. Here are some healthy boundaries my husband and I have in place for our marriage.  

  • Never go to bed angry or sleep in separate beds as a result of an argument.
  • Don’t involve other parties in the argument unless they are a mentor and are helping you work through it.
  • Never talk negatively about each other.
  • Don’t ever throw out the D-word (divorce).
  • Don’t hang up the phone or walk out/leave the house out of anger.

Just know, arguments are NORMAL. Take them as an opportunity to grow as a couple, and prosper a healthy relationship.  
 
Anyone else notice patterns in their relationship?
What helps you and your spouse work through the heat of an argument?
 

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Dating/Courting Home

5 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

Black couple having a conversation in their living room

We all know it , one of the areas that gets hit first in a relationship is clear communication. What Satan desires is to blur the lines of communication, having you assume but not speak and eventually begin to walk in different directions. Below are some ways to safe guard the lines of communication in your relationship.
1.  Over-communicate– Do not assume the other person knows, say it, ask it so that all parties can be on the same page.
2.  Listen with your heart– When the other person talks, listen not to answer but to hear their heart and their needs.
3.  Do not be defensive– If you feel like you need to defend yourself from your spouse, then a level of trust is missing. Watch your body language in conflict, if you feel like you are being attacked or you always have to explain, you maybe defensive.
4. Create time to talk– Communication has to be intentional, if you are really busy set weekly dates for you guys to share your highs and lows, let each person in the party share what is on their heart. Make space for communication.
5.  Learn how your partner communicates– external communicators -like to talk things out,  internal communicators-like to think things out. Learning how your spouse communicates will allow you to give them the space they need to either think or talk. Meet each other in the middle.
Remember as you grow as a couple, your communication will get stronger and stronger, but you have to intentionally practice.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

7 Lies to Confront Before Entering a Relationship

Portrait of a thoughtful woman looking at window
Through life’s experiences, examples around us, negative self-talk, and fear, we can easily feed into lies about relationships that consequently negatively impact the quality of our relationships. Facing them, and choosing to be set free from them before getting into a relationship will set you up for success. Here are seven common lies:
1) I’ll Be Rejected If I Put Myself Out There
There will always be a risk of rejection in relationships. Nobody wants to experience pain or heartache, but on the same level, nobody wants to be with someone that refuses to open up. If you’re not willing to deal with this lie, you’ll likely experience rejection more than if you believed that it was worth the risk.
2) I’m Not Attractive
Here’s the reality: it’s very possible that not everyone in the world finds you attractive. We are all created uniquely – we all have different personalities, we all have different interests, we are all attracted to different types of things. Along with that, the more you believe you’re attractive, the more others find you attractive. Learn to love yourself instead of waiting for others to tell you what your worth is.
3) I’m Not Enough
In what areas of your life do you feel like you’re not enough for someone to love you? If you can control those areas, choose to improve them instead of choosing hopelessness. If you can’t control them, then it’s time to let them go! You are worthy to be loved. THAT’S the truth. (Also – Jesus thought you were enough to die for. Just sayin!)
4) Marriage Will Ruin Everything
Marriage is God-created, and He doesn’t make mistakes! In instances where marriage seems to “ruin” relationships or lives, the problem is actually that the marriage wasn’t protected from the things that can wreak havoc on a covenant relationship.
5) I’ll always be__________
The problem with this lie is that it has a way of excusing oneself from self -improvement. If you convince your heart that you will always have this fill-in-the-blank issue, then it becomes less of a priority to fix. Changing your attitude about weaknesses or recurring problems can lead to becoming a healthier version of yourself!
6) I Have Commitment Problems
I hear this one a lot. I’ll admit I’m even guilty of saying this, unfortunately! In a society where you can ‘date’ without dating and be in a relationship but mask it as something less serious, it seems to be easy to avoid commitment. But there is so much beauty in choosing somebody – in deciding to commit to a person and work on a relationship instead of floating from person to person and justifying it as having ‘commitment problems’. If you want to be married, now is the time to start practicing commitment.
7) My Marriage Won’t Be Blessed Because ____
God is the Redeemer, which means there isn’t anything that He can’t redeem. Maybe you’re holding on to past mistakes, or you feel like you don’t deserve a blessed marriage, or you have failed in one way or the other. These are not good enough reasons to cancel the grace of God! He is faithful to redeem – we just need to give Him permission.
Do yourself a huge favor and start believing truths about yourself and relationships! It may take some self-checks and practice, but the quality of your future marriage is depending on it.

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Dating/Courting Marriage

4 Ways to Cultivate a Culture of Intimacy In Your Relationship

Believe it or not, you are already setting the foundation of intimacy for your marriage as a dating couple. When we hear the word “intimacy”, our minds often take us directly to the physical, but true intimacy is so much more than a physical action. True intimacy is the thread that will bind you and  your mate together in every area of your marriage and hold you together when the enemy tries to destroy your union. With this being said, I want to share 4 major ways to cultivate a culture of intimacy in your dating relationship that will help you as you build the foundation of your future marriage!
1) Verbal
As men, we typically think in terms of destination, however, women think in terms of process or journey. As a man, we often think of being on a date itself as building intimacy, but for women, romance begins long before the actual date. It all begins with words for women. Verbal intimacy is the way you ask her on the date, the way you communicate your excitement to have quality time with her, the way you compliment the time she took to impress you with her appearance, and then of course the way you engage her in conversation on the date itself! Remember: LOVE UNEXPRESSED IS NOT LOVE AT ALL!!
2) Emotional 
Emotions play a major role in building a culture of intimacy. In fact, it’s impossible to separate the two. Life happens to us all at lightning speed. Often, we feel the most distant from our mates when we have the most turmoil in our families, our school, our jobs, etc.. A common  mistake we make in our relationships is sensing that our partner is acting out of character with a negative attitude and rather than diving into how they are feeling emotionally, we react with anger  and frustration which only leads to more fighting and distance between us. Remember, intimacy literally is defined as closeness and there’s no greater way to draw your partner in than by showing the person you’ve chosen to build a life with that you are truly for them and you’re going to love and care for them through any emotional state!
3) Practical 
This piece of the puzzle is instrumental. It’s the action step. Love is a verb and building a truly God-honoring intimate relationship requires action. You should ask yourself daily questions like, “What can I do to for my mate today to make them feel special?” Or “How can I serve him/her today”? We often think about the big moments when we think practical, such as birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, etc… But the practical step is the little things you do daily. Remember, every person in a relationship only wants to feel loved, respected, and cared for, and these simple “thinking of you” gestures go a long way in establishing intimacy in your relationship!
4) Spiritual
Lastly, but most importantly, the key to a truly intimate marriage is Jesus at the center of it all! We each must be following Jesus with our whole hearts, and devoted to becoming more and more like Him daily. This is the foundation that’s holds you up. When life attacks, the enemy attacks, and you’re feeling heat and pressure from all sides, it is your spiritual walk with Christ that will sustain you and lead you to a blessed and successful relationship! Remember, apart from God, we can do nothing, but through Him, we can accomplish all things!

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Dating/Courting Home Single

Why Finding a Good Relationship Isn’t Easy

Single woman alone swinging on the beach and looking the other seat missing a boyfriend

“It won’t be that easy” God whispered after I literally exhausted my last option for a relationship. He said it loud and clear on March 31st 2011 around 5pm, while I laid in the floor of my dorm room. Yes, I remember the day and time like it was yesterday. My desperation for a relationship lead me to a point where I was willing to settle for someone I had avoided for years.
After finally surrendering my relationship status to God (well surrendering the guy I knew I wasn’t suppose to be with), I expected for my dream guy to waltz in my life. You know? I was finally ready for the man God had for me, or so I thought.
I later learned why it wouldn’t be that easy. Before God could send me my prince, I had to be whole! Problem with some people, myself included, is that we don’t take the time necessary to heal from previous wounds, engage in self-exploration, or fall madly in love with Christ before pursuing another relationship. Instead we change the bandages on our wounds hoping to present ourselves as “brand new”.
I now appreciate God’s gentle whisper, “It wont be that easy” as it forced me to do all of the above stated (fall in love with him, examine my heart and motives, as well as heal from previous relational wounds). Ironically so, I now date the same individual I attempted to “settle” with year’s prior. Had he been given to me during the time that I thought I was “ready”, I would have ruined a relationship destined for greatness due to the lack of value I saw in him!
It’s amazing how God works when we surrender our will to his! No lie, (yes, no lie), God always brings things full circle. To this day, I am amazed at how the one I once ONLY desired to settle with, has become a manifestation of my prayers!
Here’s a bit of advice, don’t become angry that “love” hasn’t found it’s way to you as quickly as you’d hoped. Instead, in your time of waiting, ensure you have the capacity to sustain the relationship your heart so desires! That way, when it does find you, you’ll never let go!
XOXO,
Shan

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Dangers of Mistaking a Project for a Potential Mate

African couple hugging outdoors

There is a significant difference between a Project and a Potential Mate and it is imperative to distinguish the difference between the two.
A project is a person who you connect with and take on the role of helping them to strengthen their relationship with God. A project may or may not have a genuine motive to pursue God and they often seek your help to guide them.
On the other hand, a potential is someone who is already spiritually at your level. This person has a consistent relationship with the Lord and the fruit of their relationship with God can be visibly seen and verified.  A potential is someone who you can help grow spiritually, but he/she can also help you to grow in areas as well. You sharpen one another and you are both actively pursuing God without the persuasion of someone else.
Here are 3 Dangers of Mistaking a Project for a Potential Mate:
1. Projects Are NOT Suitable Helpers or Ready to Lead! Just because they gave their life to God with your help, does not mean He sent them to you for the purpose of a romantic relationship. Mistaking a project for your help meet or yourself as their help meet is not wise.
Men of God, it is deception to believe a woman who has yet to establish fruit in her relationship with God will be equipped to bear fruit in one with you. Genesis 2:18 tells us “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” If you are walking with a woman who has yet to discover her true identity in Christ, is it even possible for her to understand her role as your Help Meet? Furthermore, if she is not in a position to help herself, how can you expect her to help you?
Gentlemen, if she cannot HELP you, can she really be your Help Meet?  Women of God, if Ephesians 5:23 says “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church”, how can your Project be your Potential Mate if you are leading him? If he has not allowed God to transform his nature and to first teach him how to become a student of the word and a son of God first, why promote him to Hubby status? No matter how much time and energy you invest in your project, only God can make a man of God out of him. Ladies God never intended for you to take on His job!
2. Are you Equally Yoked? It’s great you desire to help them, but keep in mind you are not on the same level as a project and you are unequally yoked with them. When defining what it means to be unequally yoked with someone many times we only focus on the first part of 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers”. However, there is more to this scripture…”for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness”? If a man/ woman professes to be a believer but has yet to be transformed by God, can you honestly say you are equally yoked with him/her? It’s great they are now attending church regularly, but have they endured the process of allowing the light of Christ to remove the darkness from within them? The truth is, a project is not spiritually mature enough to be yoked to anyone!
3. You Risk Becoming the God in Their Life. When the lines of a project relationship crossover into a romantic relationship, it is most likely that the person guiding the relationship will attempt to mold the project into what they desire them to be. This is extremely dangerous because if the focus shifts from leading him/her to the Lord to leading them to your own heart, what happens when they encounter you but have yet to truly encounter God? When this occurs there is a strong possibility that you may become an idol or the savior in their life. It is important to not allow yourself to become a stumbling block (Corinthians 8:9) or an idol to the project in order to fulfill your own motives and desires.
Unmarried men and women, all projects have a deadline! Attempting to hold on to a project relationship beyond its expiration date will most likely lead to failure. Mistaking a project for a potential can cause you to extend a season that should have ended a long time ago. Projects are designed to remain in your life for only a season. When you extend this season longer than necessary, you delay the arrival of your potential as a result of being consumed with attempting to form a covenant with a temporary project.