Tag: relationships

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Home Marriage

20 Signs That Your Relationship is Healthy

One thing that I always say is that marriage is a living organism, if you prune it and water it, it will grow. There are ways to make sure that not only is each person in the relationship is healthy, but to make sure the whole relationship or marriage is healthy. These clues can be used to assess not only romantic relationships but friendships.

  1. Both parties can give 3 reasons how the other person has improved their life.
  2. Both parties feel like they can be themselves in the relationship.
  3. There is no fear when it comes to communication even if the topics are hard.
  4. There are no major secrets that are hidden from one of the parties.
  5. Both parties encourage and support the each other’s dreams.
  6. Both parties propel each other to walk in righteousness and integrity.
  7. Both parties feel understood and loved by the other person.
  8. Both Parties go the extra mile to show the other person they love them.
  9. Both parties serve each other.
  10. Both parties respect and honor each other in front of other people.
  11. Both parties respect the union(if married) keeping the marriage bed pure. The are not involved in sexually deviant behavior (pornography, affairs, deviant sex).
  12. Both Parties do not let the other settle for mediocrity, but pushes the other to be the best.
  13. Both parties create a space for their mate to be themselves.
  14. Both parties enjoy free time away from their partner.
  15. Both parties have clear and healthy boundaries in the relationship.
  16. Both parties enjoying laughing together.
  17. As a couple, you have things you do together that are “your” things.
  18. Both parties easily forgive and do not hold grudges.
  19. Both parties have clarity on the direction of the relationships and expectations.
  20. Both parties are committed to working out any challenges or difficulties that may arise.

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Communication Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

4 Ways to Wear Love in Marriage

The word “love” is so misused today that it has lost it true meaning.
Even in marriages, sometimes couples use the word “love” in a casual manner. It is important to consider what love actually means and how we show love in marriage God’s way. The love that God desires in marriage is seen in Colossians 3:14, where it says “the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us together in perfect harmony.” We are to put love on as a daily garment in our marriage. But what does it mean to “put on love and to wear it on purpose?”
Reading the Message version of Ephesians 5:1-2 has taught me about how to love Christ’s way. Here is what it says: “Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”
In marriage, I’ve learned a very important lesson about putting on love with my husband. When I limit love to just an emotion, my love for him becomes a love that is unsteady and changeable. In light of Ephesians 5:1-2, when I put on my love and wear it daily, my love for my husband takes on a lifelong pursuit of following Jesus’ example of extravagant, selfless, and intimate love.
To wear love well, here are 4 ways that I have learned to love my husband:

  1. Saying “I love you” daily. Don’t take for granted that your spouse knows that you love them. Regularly taking the time to tell your husband or wife these three words will show them how much you love and adore them. Hold hands and hug regularly. Give public praise and brag on them in front of others shows that you love and respect them.
  2. Choose to serve and make sacrifices for your spouse. Honor your spouse by going to see a movie or visiting a restaurant that they prefer. Serve them breakfast in bed or do a chore that they would normally do to express your love and appreciation for them.
  3. Write a love letter. A handwritten love letter expressing your love out of the blue can open up wells of intimacy and pursuit in your relationship.
  4. Listen well. Making eye contact, while being compassionate and empathetic, communicates that you love and care about your husband or wife’s well being.

These 4 ways are only a starting point. Think creatively for your marriage to find ways to wear your love daily. Wearing love daily, like how Jesus loves us, is a complete game changer for marriage. Try it…it works!
 

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Marriage

What I Learned From a 70 Year Marriage

Paar Senioren pustet gemeinsam auf eine Pusteblume im Sommer

When you think marriage what’s the first word that comes to mind? I believe it’s safe to say for many the word “hard” would be their first thought. Today’s startling statistics related to divorce would certainly support the fact that marriage has been hard for many couples. No statistic is needed to see that there are few positive examples of long-lasting marriages anymore. I’ve never actually seen one for myself until recently.
Last month I had a refreshing conversation with a couple who are approaching their 70th year wedding anniversary this coming Christmas. Mr. Lawrence McElvaine still has his Christmas present since 1946, his lovely wife Mrs. Rosie McElvaine. The couple met in church when they were just teenagers at 14 and 15 years old, now both approaching 90 years old, they are still able to laugh and joke around together. When asked, does the romance have to die?” Their daughter quickly interjected, “NO, they are still lovie dovie.”  
Technically still being a newlywed myself, I was excited to pry and figure out their secret sauce. How is it that this couple is still able to stay together and have fun after 70 years, when couples are getting divorced every 10 to 13 seconds (by the time you finish reading this post, at least 10 couples have divorced)? I was expecting some deep and surprising answers as I inquired about their journey but the McElvaines responses were quite simple, yet profound. What I learned was that:
1.Marriage doesn’t have to be hard: The ingredients for a successful marriage is simply two compatible people. “Marriage isn’t hard, the hardest part is finding the right person to marry,” Mr. McElvaine said. Simple but it makes a lot of sense, right? Of course there will be challenges but if you’re with the right person you’ll be able to get through them. Divorce was never a thought for the McElvaines. Even through the hardest season of their marriage, Rosie spent her time in prayer. She didn’t complain or contemplate divorce but she cast her cares on the Lord.
I don’t believe society today takes marriage as serious as it really is. Are we thinking through the decision on who we marry as thoroughly as we should? Or do most ignore the red flags? Do we take into account the consequences of what being unequally yoked with someone would really be like?
2.God’s way still works. As much as I love the idea of change, growth, and individualism, God’s design for marriage is key to a successful marriage. The McElvaine’s may appear traditional to some but the truth is that they simply followed God’s order. Seeing that God’s word is eternal they couldn’t go wrong. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?
Both Lawrence and Rosie served their homes in the way God recommends through scripture. Lawrence was proud to say he was able to financially provide and support his home and family. His wife Rosie enjoyed being a stay-at-home wife and mother. She managed the home and sought after their needs. Rosie reminded me in many ways of the Proverbs 31 woman. She loves God, is praised by her husband and children and she managed her home successfully.
3. Have fun. The overall theme throughout my interview with the McElvaines was to have fun. There were several times Mr. McElvaine would say, “we had fun together.”
 
After leaving their home I had an enlightened perspective of marriage as a ministry. I was encouraged and motivated to serve my family, plus have more fun with my husband.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

2 Reasons Why Loving Someone is Hard, But Worth It

Black couple sitting on couch smiling

The great Nelson Mandela stated in one of his most noteworthy quotes, “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
Just because a person has the capacity to love doesn’t mean they have been taught how to do it. It’s very sad to see the rise of dysfunction and unhealthiness in relationships. The reason may very well be that many have not been taught how to love, to adequately love a person the way they deserve. Or, it could be simply that love is hard.
Then that brings us to the question, “What does love look like to you?” In what ways do you express love to others, and in what ways do you receive love. For me, love at its highest state, is expressed through relentless commitment.
Considering God is love, the one promise I know I can depend on is that He will never leave me for He is faithfully committed to me because he loves me. Now granted there are many other ways for love to be expressed from giving, physical intimacy, quality time spent, and many more.
And, that I believe is what makes love so challenging.
That we all give and receive love differently. I would like to present 2 reasons why I believe love is hard, but worth it.
1. It reveals your flaws.
No one wants to accept that they have issues. Even in job interviews one of the most popular questions is, “What are your strengths and weaknesses”? It never fails that we make our weaknesses still sound like strengths. Its just a challenge to be honest about our flaws. Well, this is one thing that makes love hard is that it reveals where we are lacking. My wife, who knows me better than anyone, has seen me at my best and my worse. Through the journey of loving her, she has also has seen a lot of my flaws. When you learn to accept someone for their flaws is when love becomes worth it.
2. It requires all of you.
When you came out of your mother’s womb the first thing you did was cry. That cry is because you are kick starting lungs because you need air, but you also are crying for food from your mom. This shows that our first initial reaction to this life is wanting from others. But, as you mature you will learn that love requires you to give of yourself to others. To turn off your wants and put your significant other before yourself. This becomes beautiful when two people both make it their highest goal to put the other before themselves. This is when love becomes a joy versus a burden.
Yes, love is hard, but when you begin to allow your significant other into the places no one else has access to which is your flaws, then the level of trust will cause the love to explode between you.

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Dating/Courting Home Single

5 Types of Women Men Should Pay Close Attention To…..

business black man looking far

Men, here are 5 types of women you should pay close attention to when entertaining potential relationships:

  1. Ms. Please Come & Save Me: She is unstable in all her ways and has difficulty finishing tasks.She can’t finish school, can’t keep a job and can’t keep good friends. She lacks identity and is completely unaware of her purpose in life. She is looking for a superhero to come and save her from her misery. She is a complete liability to you.
  1. Ms. Can You Pay My Bills: She is not interested in building with you and her main concern is whether or not you can pay her bills. She could care less about you being committed to her. In fact, she would rather deal with men who are married or taken to ensure her streams of income from various men remain in tact. She is willing to give you her body, a little bit of her time but nothing more. Her only goal is to hit the jackpot by finding a man who will take care of her financially. She is a financial liability.
  2. Ms. Can You Fill The Void of My Daddy: She is deeply wounded and rejected. She looks for love and affirmation from whoever will give her attention. She seeks men to fill the void of her absentee father and won’t relent until she does so. She will latch on to a man quickly and hold on to him, no matter how badly he treats her. She is willing to accept the liar, the cheater, the user and abuser all for the sake of filling her void. She seeks love but is unable to reciprocate it because of her dysfunctional concept and lack of understanding of true love. She is a emotional liability.
  3. Ms. Independent: Ms. Independent has her own house, car, good job, degrees and she really doesn’t need you. As a matter of a fact she only wants you to add to her list of achievements and she see you as an accomplishment she needs to obtain for people to see. She’s selfish, controlling and wants things her way. She is close friends with Ms. Jezebel and will use your weakness against you. After all, she believes you are the one who needs her. She will find you and attempt to mold you into HER perfect image. She has a deep dark secret that she is hiding. On the outside she seems like the perfect catch, however on the inside she is a broken little girl who seeks materialistic things and accomplishments to validate who she is. She is also rejected, bitter and doesn’t like herself very much. She lives to prove herself to those who overlooked and rejected her in the past. She does not have the ability to follow you. She is a spiritual and mental liability to you.
  4. Ms. Good Thing: She is not in need of saving. She has come into her own and knows her true identity outside of you. However, she understands her purpose with you. She has learned discipline and submission. Although she is a great leader, she knows how to follow you. She is an asset to you instead of a liability. She compliments your life well and is your greatest cheerleader. She is not lazy and she knows how to multiply your money. She knows how to function without you but she values your addition to her life. She does not talk down to you like a child and she respects you as her head. She trusts you and she does not use your mistakes or flaws against you. …instead, she helps you to improve them. She is always willing to fight by your side and for you. She has found resolve with her past and has learned to be a forgiver and a life carrier. Her words are used to speak life into you and at your worst, she is still able to see the best in you. She is not perfect but she strives to become better every day. She is not a liability…she is your helpmeet.

Men, you don’t have to settle for girls in women’s bodies who are incapable of filling the role of your helper. You don’t have to buy her love and affections. God desires to send you a Proverbs 31 woman who can add to your life and follow you as her head. My prayer for you is that you not be blinded by her curves, but will be able to see the true condition of her heart, mind, soul and spirit. Proverbs 18:22 says “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (NIV). This proverb can’t manifest in your life if you continue to choose women who make great arm trophies, but lack the essential qualities of a wife. Trust God and he will not only send you the woman you desire, but also the wife you need! Be encouraged men of God!
 

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Communication Home Marriage

3 Prerequisites to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

Serious couple talking in home interior. Focus on woman

3 Prerequisites to Improve Communication in Your Relationship
A few hours to days have gone by and the chemistry in the home is not quite right. Something happened, words were exchanged and the communication has currently deteriorated. You don’t feel like talking but you know you need to, and if you didn’t know, well you need to (Ephesians 4:26). Communication is absolutely key to a strong healthy relationship.
One clue that my husband was the one was our effortless communication. Since the very first conversation, communication between us came easy. ‘Til this day it’s still one of our strengths. Conversation was never awkward or forced and I was always comfortable being myself. Our communication always honored God and it was fruitful for the both of us.
In order to protect what we have, periodically, we need to reset by having a “talk”. “Can we talk?” one of us will usually initiate.
I encourage every couple to have a “talk” occasionally, as needed. There are times in marriage when the oneness can become shaky and a simple mature conversation could be the remedy.  It’s healthy to express love and emotions through words regularly. However, bad communication can produce bad consequences. Just as easy as it is to build and strengthen your relationship with your words, you can easily destroy it with words as well.
In order to prevent a “talk” gone wrong, it important to enter the conversation with the right heart and use wise tactics. Here are 3 prerequisites you should have before your next ‘talk’:
1.A Desire to Please God. Pleasing God should be our highest goal in life (2 Cor. 5:9). When entering a conversation with our spouse we should also keep in mind that we are accountable to God for everything we communicate (Matt. 12:36). If our greatest desire is to please Him, even when we’re upset, we’ll be more mindful of our choice of words and communication efforts.
 
2. Humility. When having a “talk” with our spouse, we may hear some things about ourselves that may be hard to receive. This will require humility (Eph. 4:1-3). Your spouse is the closest one to you,  they’ll be able to recognize things about yourself you may overlook. Your spouse can also help you recognize any wrong use of counter-productive means of communication!
 
3. Prefer to Listen. Although I call this conversation the “talk,” you should actually prefer to listen. You may be tempted to just say what you have to say, however, scripture encourages us to be swift to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). You must know how to listen (Proverbs 18:13) by not interrupting or formulating what you are going to say while your spouse is talking.
It’s important to God for us to have good communication in our relationships. Problems can be clarified and resolved, wrong ideas can be corrected, forgiveness and trust is exercised easier and good decision-making follows. Be sure to examine your heart and intentions before your next “talk.”

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Dating/Courting Home Single

4 Types of Men Women Should Pay Close Attention To

Ladies, there are 4 types of men you should pay close attention to when entertaining potential relationships.
1. Window Shopper– The window shopper is the guy who loves to come around to see you, talk to you and to get whatever he can from you. However, he is not positioned to make any commitments to you. He is not interested in being connected to you publicly, however when no one is looking he whispers false intentions to keep you around. No one in his life know you exist.
2. Layaway Guy– The layaway guy puts in just enough time to remain in your life, however you are only an option to him. He puts in the minimum time with you as well as other women and it is difficult for him to make final decisions. He will lead you on to make you believe he is preparing to make you his, but in reality is just buying himself more time simply to keep you entertained. When too much pressure is put on him to commit, he will withdraw his time and move on to the next option.
3. Impulsive Buyer- The impulsive buyer moves quickly! His decisions are always impulsive, but never thought out thoroughly. His commitment to you waivers often. One minute he is all in and planning a future with you and the next minute he is unsure if he made the right decision. He rarely follows through with his decisions. He is not prepared to keep you in his life and only took you off the market so that no one else could have you. He’s quite selfish!
4. Disciplined Buyer– The disciplined buyer is a man with vision and a plan. He knows what he wants and he has many options but an eye for only one. He will research you and evaluate whether or not you are an asset to his life or a liability. He will evaluate whether or not you will compliment his life or complicate it. He is not interested in games and will not attempt to negotiate a deal for you. He sees your value and purpose and it does not intimidate him by any means. Prior to making a commitment to you, he makes sure he can afford and upkeep you.
Ladies, it is important to pay close attention not just to the words of a man, but also to his actions. Does he follow through with his promises to you or is he inconsistent? Is he capable of making decisions and sticking to them or is he indecisive? Does he publicly express his intentions with you or are you his best kept secret? Is he honest with you or does he play games with your heart and mind?
God never intended for you to settle to be a side-chick, or to involve yourself with a man who only desires your body and your time. A man of God will not play games with your emotions or heart and will position himself to make you his by changing your last name. I encourage you to refuse to settle for any man who is not clear about his intentions with you and your future. A disciplined man of God will not only have a vision and a plan, but he will follow through with his plans without having to be coerced or pressured to do so. You are worth the pursuit and lifelong commitment! Refuse to settle for anything less!

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Home Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

Keeping Your Marriage Alive: 4 Ways to Spiritual Intimacy

Married life is very busy with work, family, and ministry obligations. It is easy to watch the spiritual connection between you and your spouse quickly fizz out. However, it is so crucial that there is spiritual intimacy between a couple. Spiritual intimacy is what keeps a marriage going and being able to connect around the very one who brought you together is crucial for the marriage. Here are four ways to stay spiritually connected together.

  1. Establish a time for prayer, worship, and the word on a weekly basis. You may not be able to do this together daily, but try to carve out one day a week where both of you are studying the word together and enjoying the presence of the Lord together.
  2. Create an atmosphere of presence in your home. While you may not able to sit down and pray together every day, make sure to have pictures and photos that point to Jesus, release worship in the house, have conversations that center around Jesus etc.
  3.  Work together on buiding something together for the Lord. Work on Spiritual projects together, serve on the same team at church, plan a ministry event together.
  4. Cultivate yourselves spiritually and also enjoy physical intimacy in a new place. Attend retreats and conferences together and take some time away just you two.

With everything, it is important to be intentional, as long as you are aware that this is important for any marriage to be strong you will take the time out to make spiritual connection a priority.

Categories
Marriage

3 Effective Ways to Build a Bridge of Trust In Marriage

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

In marriage, I have learned that trust is the lifeblood of the covenant shared between couples. It takes a daily effort of honoring your covenant to continually build trust for growth in your marriage. I have learned being married for eight years to a wonderful husband that spouses must be willing to step outside of their comfort zones to be salt and light, as bridge builders in relationships (Matthew 5:13-16).
Bridges are very important structures that are designed to connect things together such as land, roads, bodies of water, and passageways for people. The same is true in marriage, when bridges of trust are built with care, couples strengthen their love, trust, faith, and connection to Christ and to one another in their marriage. Every couple can build a bridge of trust in their marriage by using these three key principles that I have learned on my marital journey:

  1. Live a life of love and honor.  As Romans 12:10 says, “love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Couples are at their best as bridge builders when they model Christ’s love that influences their marriage. It is from this love, that trust and honor is established.  By spreading the synergies of love and honor, trust supports the bond, which makes your relationship stronger. When modeling Christ’s love, holding your spouse in high esteem will be seen and felt in your marriage. When we display love and honor, our marriages can become opportunities for evangelism and ministry to show unbelievers a true example of godly marriage.
  1. Be a person of integrity. Being integral goes a long way in marriage! In today’s world, it is so easy to lose focus of what is most important to marriage. So many couples sabotage their marriages by operating from the premise of doing what feels right to them, without considering godly morals and principles to strengthen their marriage. Hebrews 13:4 unpacks the importance of honor and integrity, saying “give honor to marriage and remain faithful to one another in marriage.” God showed me that as my husband’s wife and helpmate, I deepen our marital bond by honoring our marital vows and promises. I have learned that this speaks volumes to your spouse, from the demonstration of your faith and virtues of respect, selflessness, fairness, kindness, and honesty.
  1. Create openness. Sometimes couples think that opening up can be risky, but this is further from the truth. Building a bridge of trust requires openness because it develops humility and an earnest drive to build an honest connection with your spouse. As we openly live out Christlike values in marriage, God promises to lead us in what is right and teach us His way (Psalm 25:9). The growth from openness will be loving communication, helping spouses to trust, appreciate one another, and affirm each other’s importance in marriage.

Building a bridge of trust and integrity in marriages is crucial. God designed marriage for couples to be authentic, committed to becoming more like Him and glorifying Him in every part of marriage. As bridge builders in marriage, making the commitment for trust and integrity as a daily priority will cause your marriage to thrive and experience an overflow of God’s joy and love continually.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

2 Myths Christian Single’s Must Stop Believing About Relationships

Shy woman and man sitting on sofa couch next each other. First date. Attractive girl and handsome guy meeting dating and trying to talk. Male touching picking up female. Instagram filtered.

There are many people I could blame for the establishing of certain myths that Christians have now embraced as expectations for marriage. A myth is anything that is an idea that is WIDELY held, but false.   It is so important when desiring to meet the right one for you that you have the right mindset to help you be successful in not only meeting, but eventually getting married.
 
These are 2 myths that I have heard taught strongly whether it be through social media posts, sermons, books, and we can’t forget romantic movies.
 
 
Lets start with the most important one.
 

  1. God has only one person for you to marry.

 
My background is in biblical studies with my major being in systematic theology. I have a strong passion for the Word of God, and also for the correct teaching of God’s Word. But, no where in scripture do we see the validation that there is only one person for you to marry. In fact if you examine this concept from the right angle it will all make sense.
 
If there were only one person for you to marry, then that means you have one chance to get it right. Last time I checked, God has taken many of my not so good decisions and turned them for His good according to Romans 8:28.
 
And, lets just for fun say you do make a mistake and marry the “wrong” person that God didn’t have specifically for you, then now your children are illegitimate. Your children’s children are illegitimate. You’ve basically just thrown off the entire universe because you married the “wrong” person.
 
Now, lets add to it. What happens if the one person God has for you marries someone else before you meet? Does that mean you must be single for forever because that person married to soon?
 
The goal isn’t to find the one person, but to find the best person that is suitable for you and your future. The reality is there are MANY people out there that could be suitable for you that God would approve of.
 
 

  1. God chooses your spouse.

 
The first account of marriage we see in the Word of God is Adam and Eve.
 
In Genesis 2:22-23 it states, “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man”.
 
The process of Adam and Eve coming into covenant was 2 steps. First God created her, then Adam CHOSE her. We do not see God saying to Adam, “HEY ADAM HERE SHE IS” or, “ADAM THAT’S HER”. But, we do see God presenting her to Adam, and then Adam CHOOSING HER.
 
Yes, 100% God needs to be a part of the process, but He has given us principles in His Word to help us choose a suitable mate.   Who you choose to marry should be a very conscious decision made with counsel from leaders, friends, and the peace of Holy Spirit. Do not choose someone because it just feels right, or because you had a dream about you two being together and immediately think God gave you the dream.
 
These two myths are MAJOR in the Christians journey for how they approach dating and relationships. Once you stop believing there is only person for you to marry and that the choice is not yours then it will truly free you to get to know people without the pressure of missing it or getting it wrong.