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Dating/Courting Engaged Physical Intimacy Single Spiritual Intimacy

Three Signs You’re Ignoring That Your Relationship is Wrong

Years ago, when I was younger (too young), I was in a relationship with a girl of a different faith. Despite our different beliefs, we got along wonderfully. We made one another laugh, we encouraged each other when we were down, and we left God completely out of the relationship.
On a side note, “missionary dating” is not a thing. It is a distraction and an excuse for you to suppress the Holy Spirit. You hope that, by some miracle, your “light” for Jesus will draw them home, as you “minister” to him or her by leading them on. Let’s stop that.
Now, back to my story. One evening, I was home alone. The wind was howling, the freezing rain was pelting the windows, and the winter air was wafting under the door, and I had some scented candles lit for some ambiance.
I had just had a disagreement with my parents about this girl I was seeing who didn’t love Jesus. In spite of all of my reasoning, I just could not get that argument out of my head. To distract myself, I turned on the TV. The first channel that popped up was a Christian broadcasting channel. The first words that came out of that pastor’s mouth were something along the lines of, “You know when you’re disobeying God, so drop that sin, repent, and He will restore you!”
I glared at the TV and shot back, “I am not breaking up with Rebekah!” Instantly, the thunder quaked, the TV shut off, and a breeze blew through my living room, snuffing out the candles. The feeling of conviction and holy fear was overwhelming.
I broke it off with Rebekah.
Maybe you’ve been where I was, or know someone in that situation.
Stop assuming God is in your relationship if you have these three red flags:

  1. He or she draws out your sexuality over your sanctification. It was extremely easy to “shelf” my Christianity, because Rebekah knew what a teenage boy was after, and I had never been kissed. The human sex drive is a powerful function that God created, for marriage. The world wants us to sell out for a moment of pleasure. If this relationship ever—whether because of infatuation, sexual desire, or mere distraction—causes you to forget and abandon your First Love, God is not glorified, and this relationship is not from Him.
  2. You find yourself batting away caution on a regular basis. I’ve had it both ways: good and bad, in terms of relationships. With this ungodly relationship, I would enjoy being with this girl, laugh all the way home, and frown as I drifted off to sleep. When I was with the girl who is now my wife, we would worship together in the car; I would cover her and champion purity in our relationship, and I would go to bed at night, feeling closer to my First Love because of Sarah. If you are swatting at foreboding, convicting thoughts, you are in danger of hardening your heart and suppressing the Holy Spirit’s leading.
  3. Family, friends, and spiritual leaders warn you of the dangers of the relationship. Whether by mere outside perspective, spiritual discernment, or recalling their own past experiences, the godly people in your life who voice some red flags about your relationship are valid voices. They aren’t infatuated with the person, so they aren’t under the influence of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin (the chemicals released in your brain when you fall in love).

God renews our minds to want what He wants. And it is so good. Please, don’t sell yourself short. Save yourself for Jesus and watch as He shapes your desires into un-shakeable standards, and then provides the mate to meet those standards!

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Home Single

WHAT DOES TRUSTING GOD WITH YOUR SINGLENESS REALLY LOOK LIKE?

In your single season you will often hear people tell you to “Trust God.” It sounds great and deep down inside you know that you should trust God.

How do you keep trusting God  when every day you arise and you find yourself still single. You also, find that the main ones that are telling you to trust God are dating or happily married.

You keep thinking I’m a Christian, I serve God and even His people. I pray and Lord knows I slay!  Yet, I still find myself single. I desire to date a God- fearing man and to be married one day.

Let’s be honest! For those of us that had sex before marriage and then were transformed to do things God’s way the struggle is real! Sometimes you find your single season being extremely hard. It’s not only a spiritual battle but a physical battle as well. Which leads me to points I want to make….

He’s in Control

I’ve learned that your single season teaches “self-control.” There are things in our lives that we can control but there are some things that we can’t control. I used to be the woman that pursued men for a relationship. Even in the relationship, I did all the pursuing and they did absolutely nothing.

During my single season I learned an important lesson… That it’s not my role to pursue, that’s the man’s role. It’s my role to simply respond. I had to learn self-control and I had to learn how to allow God to be in control of my life.

Trusting God isn’t just about the single season that you’re in, it’s more about trusting God with your entire life.

What are some areas in your life that you struggle with self-control? It’s not always sex. It can be anger, lying, cheating, gossiping, etc.

Trust the Plan

I remember wondering if God even had marriage in store for my life. Interestingly enough, God never spoke and told me that one day I would be married. Each day I had to walk by faith and not by sight.

If God reveals every plan to us, then there would be no need for faith. Even if God doesn’t reveal the plan, you still have to trust the plan. God knows exactly what we need and when we shall receive it. Don’t doubt what God can do for you. To doubt God, means that you don’t trust Him completely. Trust in His word and know that He gives good gifts to His children.

Are you in a spiritual place of completely trusting God?

Yes, you may get tired of hearing people to tell you to trust God. You must desire that in your heart more than you desire a mate. Trust that your single season is a preparation time. He’s preparing you, as He is preparing him. Trust that in this season that God hasn’t denied you a mate, it’s just delayed until due season.  Keep trusting God and know that the best is yet to come!

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

How Most Christians Kill Their Future Before it Begins

No matter the relationship status, most people have a desire for more. Be it desiring to date, to be engaged, to be married, to have children or to be pursued by your love who no longer pays as much attention to you. It’s natural to have a desire for “what comes next”.
As Christians, we know the importance of praying ourselves through our disappointment, but for some of us (myself included) when things don’t change fast enough, take matters into our own hands. We TRY to become GOD over our own situation, not realizing we are tying the hands of the one and only ALLLLLLLLL-knowing God.
I can remember telling God “Since you are having a hard time finding me a man, I’ll help you!” The season to follow was THEE worst season of my life. From heartache to regret, my “playing God” caused me many sleepless nights; all because I couldn’t rest in the fact that God knew what he was doing.
James 1:13-15 lets us know what happens when we give in to our own desires, we sin, and ultimately our sin leads to death. Death could be natural and/or spiritual! You could potentially kill the promise God made; you can actually forfeit the blessing God has for you by giving into your right now desire (just ask Moses).
As I approach the next season of desire, I’m reminded that God is all knowing and HE, in his timing, will reveal all things to me. He, in his timing, will make all things work together for my good. He, in his timing, will bless me beyond measures in this season. I’ve made a conscious decision to rest in God’s plan for my life, as I remember what it’s like to step outside of His grace and try to make things happen. Simply put, they fall apart.
A preacher from Louisiana broke Jeremiah 29:11 down like I’d never heard it. He said “Most people quote Jeremiah 29:11 religiously, but they fail to truly embrace the scripture. When God said, “For I know the plans I have for you… he meant it. Christians sometime take ownership of the “I”, ultimately causing the real “I” to step back!” Once I received this knowledge, I became accountable to it.
Now that you know, you’re accountable to this information as well! Now that you know better (or have been reminded), you must do better at letting God be God and the Lord of your situation…uninterrupted by you!
With Love,
Shannon Cheri Colar

Categories
Finances

Relationships & Finances: Why Women Have Better Credit Than Men

Worried young African American couple looking through bills online

Yes. The argument has just begun lol. This is actually not a debate, I have seen over 8400 credit reports in 5 years and the numbers are about the same now versus 5 years ago. In this blog post, I will explain a couple of reasons why most women have better credit scores than men. It’s not that men don’t have great credit. It’s the fact that more women simply care more about their credit scores and reports.
Men, like we always do, seem to let our ego get in the way and act as if we know it all when in most cases, we don’t. This post is not to belittle men,  I myself fell victim to this before and if it wasn’t for my wife, we wouldn’t have accomplished as many goals as we have. So trust me, I understand first hand. As you read this, don’t take anything personal, this is not all women or men, but it is most. Let me break down why.
Women Simply Care More About Their Credit
Women make the same mistakes that men do but, they have no problem looking for someone to help them improve their credit score. Most women actually care about having better credit scores. Men on the other hand, sugar coat the issue and believe that they have all of the answers. I truly believe that because of our ego, we put a limit to our success and in this case, our credit scores. I have personally spoken in front of many audiences and during my presentations, women are taking notes and being more attentive.
For the most part, many men feel like there is no room for credit improvement or that there are no mistakes in their financial lives. Men feel like their money is being graded by how much they make. Because of this, we end up paying cash for everything which is good and bad. It’s good because it doesn’t create unnecessary debt. It’s bad because we feel that if we pay cash, others can see how we are doing based on material things and how we pay for them.
The Problem With Women That Have Great Credit
We all know that most women have great hearts and they like helping people. The problem with this is that some people take advantage of them. For example, cosigning for a loan, living space, cell phone, credit card, or etc. I am not saying that cosigning is bad, but there is a time when you should do it and when you should stay away from it.
This will eventually lead to lower credit scores if the person without the best credit becomes late on payments, misses payments, or closes out the account with an open balance due. This does not happen all the time but why put yourself in a situation that you cannot control 100%?
What Men Have To Understand
Men that don’t have the best credit must understand that it is not ok to keep going through life without knowing how credit works. We have to know that buying a car from a “Buy Here, Pay Here” will not help us in the long run when we need another car. It’s ok to pay cash for things yes, but most incomes will not be sufficient when it comes down to a reliable car/truck or home purchase. We have to learn for ourselves instead of depending on our female counterparts for credit support and know that life is easier with better credit scores. I am not saying don’t ask for help when needed, I am simply saying make sure you create a plan for yourself after the help is complete.
The Bottom Line
I hope I didn’t upset anyone with this article. For those of you who have read from me in the past, you know that I always provide the best insight I possibly can and it may come with a little tough love as well. I want the absolute best for everyone but I see too many adults not taking responsibility for their finances.
 
Calvin Russell Jr is a Certified FICO Professional, Approved Partner With Bankrate, and the CEO & Founder of GoSimplyPro Credit Consultation. GoSimplyPro Credit Consultation is a Chicago based Credit Repair Company that helps clients get better credit scores. GoSimplyPro Credit Consultation has helped hundreds of people increase their credit scores, qualify for homes, cars, and lower interest rates with their personal, Step-By- Step Game Plans. Contact us today to learn more at 877.205.7771 or email us at info@gosimplypro.com.

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Marriage Single Spiritual Intimacy

Three Qualities of a Marriage Built to Last

Exotic african bride and groom holding hands on the terrace.

I remember being where you are—watching married couples interact and imagining myself in that situation. One day. One day that may be me. As I was courting the girl I loved, who is now my wife, I consumed any and all material I could find about marriage. Young singles often take the “marriage buffet line:” picking and choosing the good and the bad from among the thousands of relationships on display before their eyes.
As a young single, I would attend weddings and overhear the bride telling their story to her friends, as they gathered around to hear what attracted them to one another. “He’s cute, funny, and smart,” was the most common among women. “She’s pretty, funny, and smart,” was common among men. That’s great, and I don’t intend to sound judgmental, but really? That’s what you’re building your future on? If we’re being realistic, cats are cute, funny, and smart!
Sarah and I invited marriage mentors into our lives and subjected them to a cascade of questions! In a world where #relationshipgoals is a constant, trending topic, young minds are saturated by qualities to emulate for their marriage, for when it’s their turn.
But what are realistic, yet high standards for a rock-solid marriage?
I could create an itemized list thousands of would-be qualities that make a marriage great, but I’ve narrowed down three rock-solid qualities of a marriage built to last, that Christian couples everywhere should make their #relationshipgoals. Spoiler alert: This list does not include cute, funny, or smart:
1. Joyful, intimate friendship. I hate that “he/she is my best friend,” has become so cliché. It is a precious thing when it’s true. It is actually rarer than we realize. Strive for intimate friendship, as you look forward towards marriage. My wife truly is my go-to, my partner in crime, and my confidant. Even though we know one another extremely well, she still fascinates me. I can honestly say that there is no one else I want by my side. Yes, we disagree at times. There is not always perfect harmony, because we are two flawed, opinionated people. But at the end of the day, she is a safe place and a warm home for me.
2. Honest, loving communication. Many marriages have the “honest” part down. Remember: it’s “trendy” to speak your mind. Well, the Lord isn’t interested in you regurgitating your flawed, carnal mind to your spouse, where your words can inflict deep, heinous scars. The biblical way is to “speak the truth in love.” (Eph. 4:15) Observe and emulate couples who know the deep and hidden places of their spouse, yet choose to honor the workmanship that the Maker has wrought in them. These couple couldn’t care two cents about being right, but they have all the passion in the world to use communication to edify one another and contribute to the glorious masterpiece that God is creating in them.
3.  Dynamic, cherished partnership with the Lord. I knew a phenomenal older couple who made their morning coffee, turned on worship music, and fervently adored their Savior together. Their voices rang in worship, and tears flooded their eyes, and they were intimate friends of the Living God! Then, after spending the morning together in worship, they partnered hand in hand with God in ministry to countless broken, enslaved people. They moved in sync with God and each other. The world has seen too few of these treasured power couples, but just imagine what the world would think if married couples of this caliber were on every street!
God’s best is better than the shallow examples of the world. Let’s elevate our expectations in marriage. Let’s “come up higher” and emulate marriage God’s way.

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

3 Character Flaws That Are Causing Your Relationship Struggles

Couple not talking after a fight on the sofa in living room at home

Once the honeymoon stage is over, the human, flawed version of your significant other will begin to show. After looking back at arguments my husband and I had in the first year of our marriage, I began to notice some recurring roots and how they inhibited us from resolving quickly. Disagreements are going to happen, that’s a given – what matters is how you respond to them. Here are some common hindrances that are keeping you from managing conflict in a healthy way.
1.  Stubbornness
Stubbornness at its core is a pride issue. When responding with stubbornness in an argument, it is often a resistance to change and a struggle of idolizing your way or your opinion. The key to overcoming stubbornness in conflict is a healthy dose of compromise. You cannot expect your significant other to change all their habits and ways to match yours – it is unrealistic! You are two different people. Be willing to listen to what they have to say.
2.  Selfishness
Want to know how selfish you are? Get married. When you join your life with another person you begin to see how you have to make sacrifices for the health and growth of your relationship or the betterment of your family. It can be challenging when you have another person to take into consideration for all your decisions, and it is also impacted by the consequences of your actions.
 
Is not getting your way worth sitting in different rooms or enduring a long, silent car ride for hours not talking to each other? Act like an adult, own up to your mistakes, take the blame, and say sorry. Decide how you are going to move forward and prevent the situation from happening again.
 
3.  Lack of Communication/Miscommunication
Many of times I have found that the fight was started either because something was communicated/received in a way other than intended, or there was no communication, leading to a vast array of potential outcomes. One of the best lessons you will ever learn: your spouse is not a mind reader! If you want help, ask! You can’t get upset with your significant other if they had no reason to think, act, or respond otherwise. Often times women want men to “just know” that they need help with the dishes after dinner, or the laundry left over in the dryer. Men function better with direct communication instead of beating around the bush in hopes that they just “get it”.
 
If an argument is due to communication, acknowledge where the gap occurred, and develop a plan to avoid it in the future. There is no need to place fault on either party (communication is a two way street – the talker and the receiver). Just learn from it and move forward.
 
And just in case you do find yourself in a quarrel with your partner, make some non-negotiables. Here are some healthy boundaries my husband and I have in place for our marriage.  

  • Never go to bed angry or sleep in separate beds as a result of an argument.
  • Don’t involve other parties in the argument unless they are a mentor and are helping you work through it.
  • Never talk negatively about each other.
  • Don’t ever throw out the D-word (divorce).
  • Don’t hang up the phone or walk out/leave the house out of anger.

Just know, arguments are NORMAL. Take them as an opportunity to grow as a couple, and prosper a healthy relationship.  
 
Anyone else notice patterns in their relationship?
What helps you and your spouse work through the heat of an argument?
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

5 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

Black couple having a conversation in their living room

We all know it , one of the areas that gets hit first in a relationship is clear communication. What Satan desires is to blur the lines of communication, having you assume but not speak and eventually begin to walk in different directions. Below are some ways to safe guard the lines of communication in your relationship.
1.  Over-communicate– Do not assume the other person knows, say it, ask it so that all parties can be on the same page.
2.  Listen with your heart– When the other person talks, listen not to answer but to hear their heart and their needs.
3.  Do not be defensive– If you feel like you need to defend yourself from your spouse, then a level of trust is missing. Watch your body language in conflict, if you feel like you are being attacked or you always have to explain, you maybe defensive.
4. Create time to talk– Communication has to be intentional, if you are really busy set weekly dates for you guys to share your highs and lows, let each person in the party share what is on their heart. Make space for communication.
5.  Learn how your partner communicates– external communicators -like to talk things out,  internal communicators-like to think things out. Learning how your spouse communicates will allow you to give them the space they need to either think or talk. Meet each other in the middle.
Remember as you grow as a couple, your communication will get stronger and stronger, but you have to intentionally practice.

Categories
Single

I'm Called to Singleness

Young woman drinking tea reading book on sofa
by Lourdes Branch 
I ‘m called to singleness and so are you.
You’re probably sitting there screaming at the computer, “Girl, don’t claim that! Don’t limit God! How do you know? You can’t say that to me! You ain’t no prophet.”
You’re right. I’m not claiming anything. I’m not limiting God. I’m not a prophet, nor do I claim to be.
What I am, however, is a single, 31-year-old woman who has googled the answer to the question, “Am I called to singleness,” more times than I’d like my browser history to reveal. I am a woman who has pleaded with God to know if and when I’ll get married. And I am a woman who has watched every deadline age I’ve set to be married pass me by with all the May 3rd birthdays I have.
At this point, I can say that I’m called to singleness and so are you. How do I know? Because I’m single, and if you’re reading this with the same relationship status as me, you’re single, too. That is where you and I are at this point in our lives, and that then is what we are called to. Today. At this moment.
I don’t believe I’m called to lifelong singleness, nor do I believe you are. I also don’t believe you or I need to worry or think about that. Who knows what the future holds? God does, not us.
He does not give to us to know the future (Matthew 24:36 But about that day or hour no one knows…).
He gives to us to trust and believe Him (Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding).
He gives to us our daily bread (Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus).
He gives us His word, and what’s even greater, He gives us Himself (Deuteronomy 31:6 for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you).
His word is full of verses that give us our calling to believe Him for today.
You are called to do today. You are called to be where you are today. There are things (i.e. arriving to work on time, giving your seat to a pregnant woman on the train, talking to your annoying next-door neighbor, not yelling at the person who cut you off in traffic) He has given you to complete for today as a single person. Things that you need to focus on more than your potential wedding date. He hasn’t given you those things because you’re unlovable. He hasn’t given them to you because you are somehow less worthy than a married person. He has, however, given them to you for you to complete your purpose, which is solely to bring Him glory (Revelation 4:11 You are worthy, O Lord our God, to receive glory and honor and power. For you created all things, and they exist because you created what you pleased). 
You and I, single person, have work that we are called to today. Only God knows if and when our relationship statuses will change. But until He makes it plain that He’s called you to marriage by providing you someone to marry, focus on today. And get off Google.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

7 Lies to Confront Before Entering a Relationship

Portrait of a thoughtful woman looking at window
Through life’s experiences, examples around us, negative self-talk, and fear, we can easily feed into lies about relationships that consequently negatively impact the quality of our relationships. Facing them, and choosing to be set free from them before getting into a relationship will set you up for success. Here are seven common lies:
1) I’ll Be Rejected If I Put Myself Out There
There will always be a risk of rejection in relationships. Nobody wants to experience pain or heartache, but on the same level, nobody wants to be with someone that refuses to open up. If you’re not willing to deal with this lie, you’ll likely experience rejection more than if you believed that it was worth the risk.
2) I’m Not Attractive
Here’s the reality: it’s very possible that not everyone in the world finds you attractive. We are all created uniquely – we all have different personalities, we all have different interests, we are all attracted to different types of things. Along with that, the more you believe you’re attractive, the more others find you attractive. Learn to love yourself instead of waiting for others to tell you what your worth is.
3) I’m Not Enough
In what areas of your life do you feel like you’re not enough for someone to love you? If you can control those areas, choose to improve them instead of choosing hopelessness. If you can’t control them, then it’s time to let them go! You are worthy to be loved. THAT’S the truth. (Also – Jesus thought you were enough to die for. Just sayin!)
4) Marriage Will Ruin Everything
Marriage is God-created, and He doesn’t make mistakes! In instances where marriage seems to “ruin” relationships or lives, the problem is actually that the marriage wasn’t protected from the things that can wreak havoc on a covenant relationship.
5) I’ll always be__________
The problem with this lie is that it has a way of excusing oneself from self -improvement. If you convince your heart that you will always have this fill-in-the-blank issue, then it becomes less of a priority to fix. Changing your attitude about weaknesses or recurring problems can lead to becoming a healthier version of yourself!
6) I Have Commitment Problems
I hear this one a lot. I’ll admit I’m even guilty of saying this, unfortunately! In a society where you can ‘date’ without dating and be in a relationship but mask it as something less serious, it seems to be easy to avoid commitment. But there is so much beauty in choosing somebody – in deciding to commit to a person and work on a relationship instead of floating from person to person and justifying it as having ‘commitment problems’. If you want to be married, now is the time to start practicing commitment.
7) My Marriage Won’t Be Blessed Because ____
God is the Redeemer, which means there isn’t anything that He can’t redeem. Maybe you’re holding on to past mistakes, or you feel like you don’t deserve a blessed marriage, or you have failed in one way or the other. These are not good enough reasons to cancel the grace of God! He is faithful to redeem – we just need to give Him permission.
Do yourself a huge favor and start believing truths about yourself and relationships! It may take some self-checks and practice, but the quality of your future marriage is depending on it.

Categories
Home Marriage Single

Becoming a Gracious Wife