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Dating/Courting Marriage

4 Ways to Cultivate a Culture of Intimacy In Your Relationship

Believe it or not, you are already setting the foundation of intimacy for your marriage as a dating couple. When we hear the word “intimacy”, our minds often take us directly to the physical, but true intimacy is so much more than a physical action. True intimacy is the thread that will bind you and  your mate together in every area of your marriage and hold you together when the enemy tries to destroy your union. With this being said, I want to share 4 major ways to cultivate a culture of intimacy in your dating relationship that will help you as you build the foundation of your future marriage!
1) Verbal
As men, we typically think in terms of destination, however, women think in terms of process or journey. As a man, we often think of being on a date itself as building intimacy, but for women, romance begins long before the actual date. It all begins with words for women. Verbal intimacy is the way you ask her on the date, the way you communicate your excitement to have quality time with her, the way you compliment the time she took to impress you with her appearance, and then of course the way you engage her in conversation on the date itself! Remember: LOVE UNEXPRESSED IS NOT LOVE AT ALL!!
2) Emotional 
Emotions play a major role in building a culture of intimacy. In fact, it’s impossible to separate the two. Life happens to us all at lightning speed. Often, we feel the most distant from our mates when we have the most turmoil in our families, our school, our jobs, etc.. A common  mistake we make in our relationships is sensing that our partner is acting out of character with a negative attitude and rather than diving into how they are feeling emotionally, we react with anger  and frustration which only leads to more fighting and distance between us. Remember, intimacy literally is defined as closeness and there’s no greater way to draw your partner in than by showing the person you’ve chosen to build a life with that you are truly for them and you’re going to love and care for them through any emotional state!
3) Practical 
This piece of the puzzle is instrumental. It’s the action step. Love is a verb and building a truly God-honoring intimate relationship requires action. You should ask yourself daily questions like, “What can I do to for my mate today to make them feel special?” Or “How can I serve him/her today”? We often think about the big moments when we think practical, such as birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, etc… But the practical step is the little things you do daily. Remember, every person in a relationship only wants to feel loved, respected, and cared for, and these simple “thinking of you” gestures go a long way in establishing intimacy in your relationship!
4) Spiritual
Lastly, but most importantly, the key to a truly intimate marriage is Jesus at the center of it all! We each must be following Jesus with our whole hearts, and devoted to becoming more and more like Him daily. This is the foundation that’s holds you up. When life attacks, the enemy attacks, and you’re feeling heat and pressure from all sides, it is your spiritual walk with Christ that will sustain you and lead you to a blessed and successful relationship! Remember, apart from God, we can do nothing, but through Him, we can accomplish all things!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

3 Tips to Help You Embrace Your Single Season

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

Your single season is not a waste of time or a curse; it is a time of blessing and preparation. It is a time that God has set aside to make you into what He wants you to be for your future spouse. Singleness is a time of blessing and waiting where God is cultivating godly qualities in you that you can offer your future spouse. Singleness is a gift from God, where you can be devoted to Him, loving Him with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength (Mark 12:30). Here are three tips to help you embrace your season of singleness:

  1. Embrace your Value. When you are single, it is easy to think that you are incomplete because of not having a spouse. This is further from the truth. Being single in God only defines your relationship status. In 1 Peter 2:9, God sees you as a “His chosen, a royal priesthood, and His special possession.” Embrace your season and fill your time with pursuing God as your first love, traveling, meeting new people, trying a new hobby, and giving back to others. Allow God to refine the qualities and traits in your life, remaining open to His direction and voice to stay aligned with His will.
  1. Turn to God. Sometimes it can be hard trusting God’s plan for your life, which can cause you to look in the wrong places to fulfill your need for love. But remember that trusting God’s plan for your life will prevent desperation and heartache if you will let Him be your guide. Because God’s love is amazing, cultivating a relationship with Him is a true blessing as you wait for your future spouse.
  1. Pray for Your Future Spouse. Isn’t it awesome to know that God is preparing your future spouse before He reveals them? So why not pray for them before you meet them? When praying for your future spouse, ask God to meet their needs, pray for their preparation, character, heart, growth, purity, ministry, and obedience to Him. As you pray, everything will happen in God’s timing while you are in your waiting season.

As you embrace these three tips, take the time to thank God for His gift of singleness because He has amazing things in store for your future marriage!
 
 
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

Why Finding a Good Relationship Isn’t Easy

Single woman alone swinging on the beach and looking the other seat missing a boyfriend

“It won’t be that easy” God whispered after I literally exhausted my last option for a relationship. He said it loud and clear on March 31st 2011 around 5pm, while I laid in the floor of my dorm room. Yes, I remember the day and time like it was yesterday. My desperation for a relationship lead me to a point where I was willing to settle for someone I had avoided for years.
After finally surrendering my relationship status to God (well surrendering the guy I knew I wasn’t suppose to be with), I expected for my dream guy to waltz in my life. You know? I was finally ready for the man God had for me, or so I thought.
I later learned why it wouldn’t be that easy. Before God could send me my prince, I had to be whole! Problem with some people, myself included, is that we don’t take the time necessary to heal from previous wounds, engage in self-exploration, or fall madly in love with Christ before pursuing another relationship. Instead we change the bandages on our wounds hoping to present ourselves as “brand new”.
I now appreciate God’s gentle whisper, “It wont be that easy” as it forced me to do all of the above stated (fall in love with him, examine my heart and motives, as well as heal from previous relational wounds). Ironically so, I now date the same individual I attempted to “settle” with year’s prior. Had he been given to me during the time that I thought I was “ready”, I would have ruined a relationship destined for greatness due to the lack of value I saw in him!
It’s amazing how God works when we surrender our will to his! No lie, (yes, no lie), God always brings things full circle. To this day, I am amazed at how the one I once ONLY desired to settle with, has become a manifestation of my prayers!
Here’s a bit of advice, don’t become angry that “love” hasn’t found it’s way to you as quickly as you’d hoped. Instead, in your time of waiting, ensure you have the capacity to sustain the relationship your heart so desires! That way, when it does find you, you’ll never let go!
XOXO,
Shan

Categories
Finances Marriage

7 Tips to Leave an Inheritance for Your Children's Children

African American family together outside their home

Wanting the best for your children is a universal desire for all parents. Just as God doesn’t desire to see His children struggle, no one ever aspires to see their children struggle or go through the financial challenges they may have faced.  
Far too many of us know the “struggle” too well. Trading long hours for dollars to barely get by.  Chances are, your parents did the same thing and your parent’s parents likely did too. In fact, financial issues are one of the top reason for marital problems and divorce.
Our beliefs and understanding of finances typically comes from our forefathers, creating similar cycles until something or someone changes. Proverbs 13:22a says, “A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children…” This wasn’t my story or my husband’s. But it doesn’t have to be the same for our children. Together my husband and I plan to one day leave an inheritance for even our future grandchildren. Below are 7 tips we’ve discovered and started doing to create the necessary financial changes in our lives:
 1.  Mindset: We should never idolize or worship money but our belief system and mindset regarding finances can explain a lot. How do you currently view money? Do you believe only the rich get richer and the poor get poorer or that it’s hard to come by, etc? Those may have been your past experiences but they don’t have to continue to be your reality. God desires to see his children prosper. If needed, shift your mindset to align with God’s word regarding your finances.
2.  Purpose: Discover and walk in your purpose. By doing what we are created to do opens doors and God provides provision.
3.  Financial stewardship: How are you managing your finances? Can God trust you with what you have now? Luke 16:10 says, “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
4. Giving: This one is pretty self explanatory. “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” Luke 6:38.
5.  Investing: Most of us were taught to go school, get good grades and find a good job. And that’s it! Seek counsel and wisdom on how you can invest your money, time and talents to reap a return. The parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30) is a good illustration of investing.
6. Working hard: Even though God doesn’t desire to see us struggle we still have to do our part. We can’t sit around doing nothing and expect a return. Proverbs 10:4 says, “Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.”
7. Raising your children to do the same: Starting young, we should begian instilling all of the above into our children. An inheritance is not just financial, it is also wisdom. Teaching our children how to give, invest, steward their money, etc will create a generational cycle of financial success.   
 
 

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

What to Do When You Discover It's Love

Five years before my wife became my wife, we were stuck in summer school together. Our school had cubicles lining the walls and she was two cubicles away from where I sitting. I feel bad for the poor, innocent soul who sat in the cubicle between ours; he was stuck right in the middle of two star-struck teens, in the thick of our teen angst.
We would toss little notes of wadded graph paper back and forth between cubicles. We did this all summer long; it’s how we passed our time! But one day, it all changed. Sarah wasn’t even my girlfriend at the time, but there was obvious chemistry between us. I knew how I felt, but was far too afraid to tell her—and even more terrified to discover how she felt.
This little game of ours went on without a hitch—until one day, our safe little world was cracked wide open. After a fun night hanging out with our friends, she looked at me differently as she got back into her car. The next day, she was obviously being tormented by some distant musings. I asked her if anything was wrong, but she couldn’t give me a straight answer. I was frustrated and bewildered by the complexity of the female mind, and returned to my little cubicle, none the wiser.
As our four-hour summer classes ended that day, that familiar little wadded up ball of paper landed on my desk—but this time, with a thud. This one changed my world. “I’m OK, Dan. I just never expected to fall in love with my best friend.”
What? Excuse me, WHAT?!
True Love’s Aftermath
As I went to work after that stunning revelation that Sarah was in love…with me…my mind was awhirl with questions, and joy, and terror.
When you discover that the individual that you’ve been pining after with trembling hands and heart ablaze feels the same way, everything changes. Navigating the precarious waters of being in love is a beautiful, yet delicate situation.
I’d like to help you out. When you discover that it’s love, remember these three things: recall your standards, act with chivalry, and stay calm.
Recall Your Standards.
When you fall in love, it is so easy and very tempting to follow your heart. As romantic and poetic as this notion sounds, the biblical principle is to follow the Holy Spirit. Your heart is still in process and development. In the nostalgic and whimsical realm of love, I had to remember what true love looks like, which is often to protect your relationship and your hearts, at the expense of impulsivity. Remember your vows of purity, and adhere to them. It is easy to fall to prey to impulses when your heart suppresses your rationale.
Act with Chivalry.
I knew that I had Sarah wrapped around my finger, and she knew she had me at her beck and call, also. It would have been easy for me to act on instinct, rather than respect. Don’t allow your flesh to mute your chivalry. Serve him or her. Be honest. Be the you that he or she fell in love with.
Stay Calm.
When that bomb dropped and I learned of Sarah’s true feelings for me, I panicked. What if I couldn’t sustain her feelings? What if she got to know me more intimately, and learned that I was more human than she had originally thought? These thoughts are normal. What I learned instead was to take it step by step, day by day. Your significant other fell in love with you. Not your superhero alter ego! Understand that, yes, your companion will see your flaws, but true love will pick up where infatuation leaves off.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

Is He or She the One?

Attractive Afro-American couple using tablet, holding a cup and laughing while sitting on beanbag chairs against brick wall

co-authored with Culus Williams

Many singles find themselves feeling helpless in their waiting period. They find themselves wondering, “What can I do to help myself?” I wrote an article last month, encouraging singles to “Position Yourself to be Found” Check out the article here: https://53722c5514.nxcli.net/position-yourself-to-be-found/

Are you in the position, “What happens next?”  You are now a target for a good thing or a counterfeit. The enemy will send the counterfeit to tempt you to settle for someone that God didn’t design for you.  The enemy will always send a representative that fits the description of everything that you’re prayed for in a mate.

The scripture that encouraged me to inspire you is: “1 Chronicles 28:9 The Lord knows what is in everyone’s mind. He understands everything you think. If you go to him for help, you will get an answer.”

Just because someone pursues you (ladies)  or responds (men) – it  doesn’t mean they are the one for you. Pray that this is the one that  God has for you. The man or woman that God has for you will not only talk the talk but they will walk the walk.

Don’t let their words sweep you off your feet or their charming looks deceive you. Go to God in prayer and ask him to reveal it to you.  His word tells us, if we go to him for help, he will answer us.

I’m sure you’ve heard this time and time again but it’s so true – “TRUST GOD!”

Let me share this as well. Just because a man or woman attends church doesn’t mean they are the right one. You still need to pray that this is the person that God has for you. They may go to church but it doesn’t mean they are a doer of God’s word. Even if they approach you, it’s okay to reject their offer. Some people are meant to just be acquaintances or even our friends.

Here’s another helpful insight.  If God’s answer is “NO” keep it moving and don’t look back. If God doesn’t answer – just sit and observe that  persons actions.  If their actions  don’t  line up with the word of God, keep it moving.

One last point, if God gives you a “YES.” Then know that God has also given that person confirmation that you’re the one. God isn’t the author of confusion – he will speak to both of you. Amen!

I desire for you to be connected to the right one. Meditate on 1 Chronicles 28:9 and allow God to direct your path during the pursuing season.

 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Dangers of Mistaking a Project for a Potential Mate

African couple hugging outdoors

There is a significant difference between a Project and a Potential Mate and it is imperative to distinguish the difference between the two.
A project is a person who you connect with and take on the role of helping them to strengthen their relationship with God. A project may or may not have a genuine motive to pursue God and they often seek your help to guide them.
On the other hand, a potential is someone who is already spiritually at your level. This person has a consistent relationship with the Lord and the fruit of their relationship with God can be visibly seen and verified.  A potential is someone who you can help grow spiritually, but he/she can also help you to grow in areas as well. You sharpen one another and you are both actively pursuing God without the persuasion of someone else.
Here are 3 Dangers of Mistaking a Project for a Potential Mate:
1. Projects Are NOT Suitable Helpers or Ready to Lead! Just because they gave their life to God with your help, does not mean He sent them to you for the purpose of a romantic relationship. Mistaking a project for your help meet or yourself as their help meet is not wise.
Men of God, it is deception to believe a woman who has yet to establish fruit in her relationship with God will be equipped to bear fruit in one with you. Genesis 2:18 tells us “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” If you are walking with a woman who has yet to discover her true identity in Christ, is it even possible for her to understand her role as your Help Meet? Furthermore, if she is not in a position to help herself, how can you expect her to help you?
Gentlemen, if she cannot HELP you, can she really be your Help Meet?  Women of God, if Ephesians 5:23 says “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church”, how can your Project be your Potential Mate if you are leading him? If he has not allowed God to transform his nature and to first teach him how to become a student of the word and a son of God first, why promote him to Hubby status? No matter how much time and energy you invest in your project, only God can make a man of God out of him. Ladies God never intended for you to take on His job!
2. Are you Equally Yoked? It’s great you desire to help them, but keep in mind you are not on the same level as a project and you are unequally yoked with them. When defining what it means to be unequally yoked with someone many times we only focus on the first part of 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers”. However, there is more to this scripture…”for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness”? If a man/ woman professes to be a believer but has yet to be transformed by God, can you honestly say you are equally yoked with him/her? It’s great they are now attending church regularly, but have they endured the process of allowing the light of Christ to remove the darkness from within them? The truth is, a project is not spiritually mature enough to be yoked to anyone!
3. You Risk Becoming the God in Their Life. When the lines of a project relationship crossover into a romantic relationship, it is most likely that the person guiding the relationship will attempt to mold the project into what they desire them to be. This is extremely dangerous because if the focus shifts from leading him/her to the Lord to leading them to your own heart, what happens when they encounter you but have yet to truly encounter God? When this occurs there is a strong possibility that you may become an idol or the savior in their life. It is important to not allow yourself to become a stumbling block (Corinthians 8:9) or an idol to the project in order to fulfill your own motives and desires.
Unmarried men and women, all projects have a deadline! Attempting to hold on to a project relationship beyond its expiration date will most likely lead to failure. Mistaking a project for a potential can cause you to extend a season that should have ended a long time ago. Projects are designed to remain in your life for only a season. When you extend this season longer than necessary, you delay the arrival of your potential as a result of being consumed with attempting to form a covenant with a temporary project.
 
 

Categories
Home Marriage

5 Things You Will Learn Only AFTER Marriage

Bride and groom put their hands together on wedding bouquet

I am the queen of marriage preparation. I believe that in order to have a healthy marriage it is so important that you prepare as best as you can. As a pastor and therapist, I counseled countless people on marital issues before I got married but there are certain things that I have a clearer sense of and understanding of now that I am married.
 1. Covenant– Covenant is not something that can be taught but it has to be felt, there is something about saying “I do” that seals the deal. You can live with someone for years, but there is something about saying till death do us part that puts a sense of reverence and determination in your heart to make it work(or at least it should)
2. Bond– Scripture says a man will leave his family and cleave or be glued to his wife. The bond that is formed in marriage really is supernatural. Once again, it is something felt, it makes you want to go to the end of the world for the one you love, it makes you know and feel like you will never have to face the world again.
3.  Security- Not only is there financial security in a healthy marriage, there is emotional security. Marriage gives you someone to pour your heart to and  should be the place where you feel safe to be weak and to be strong; it helps anchor you in who you knew you were always meant to be.
4.  Joy- The joy that comes in the hard work, in laying your desires, yourself down, in choosing another person over yourself daily. While at times it is hard there is joy in living for something bigger than yourself.
5.  Commitment– Marriage is the most important commitment you will ever make. Commitment matures a person; it teaches us to not to give up,  to learn grit. and to have an ability to stick things out.
We thank God for the opportunity to love someone the way He loves the church daily! Do not see marriage as work but as joy, an opportunity to grow like Him.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

How to Find Real Love Online

Living in a continuously advancing digital age comes with countless benefits, I mean we practically have the world at our finger tips with the unlimited amount of access we have. There seems to be an app for everything these days; just think of any convenient, or wild far fetched idea, and there’s probably an app for it. From finding the closest garage sales, to locating the best donut, to catching as many pocket monsters you can; you name it, its out there. And if for any reason it isn’t…you can make it happen! And it’s just the same for finding love. There are tons of dating apps that suit pretty much anything or anyone you’re looking for. However, it seems that despite all of the ways there are to get what we want, it is still so few and far between. Now I’m not claiming to have all of the answers, but I know how it should be done.
1.) Look past the cover– In a day and age where we can get what pleases our eyes by merely swiping right is nothing short of distasteful. I’m not saying physical attraction isn’t important, but when you reduce someones qualities by looks alone, than you’re not getting anywhere close to the true nature of a person. You have to look beyond the surface, as the old saying goes “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
2.) Keep your values– Lets face it, not everyone online is really looking for “love” but its important to stick with your intentions. If real love is what you’re looking for, then you should be seeking nothing but that, or else you’ll be trapped in someone else’s web of “love.”
3.) Don’t force it– Just because you’ve met someone that has the “potential”of being the one doesn’t mean they are. If your gut tells you to move right along, then you most likely should.
4.) Don’t subject yourself– If you feel that you have to post suggestive photos of yourself in order to be appealing, then you’re not going to attract anyone who is looking beyond what you’re suggesting.
5.) The right site– There are tons of online dating sites to choose from, but its important to do your due diligence by investing your time on the ones that are known to deliver. Steer away from the ones that are solely known for… well you know what.
6.) Be Authentic– Creating an online profile that displays the true you, and at the same time be gravitating can feel like your own personal human advertisement. However, always remain authentic, the right person will love you for you.

Categories
Home Marriage

Why Every Marriage Should Have a Mission and a Mandate.

People get married for many reasons, the reasons range from being in love, in lust, finding a best friend, being led by God, etc. One of the most important things that a couple most know is WHY God has brought them together.
In order to do this, each individual must have clarity on their purpose and why God created them. It is very difficult to enter into a marriage with purpose when you do not know your purpose.
We have all learned by now that marriage for Christians is not just about the two people loving each other but a lot about what God has put in each of them and how they can make an impact in the earth.
Every marriage should have a mission beyond having children and making a lot of money. Why has God put you together? What are you could to achieve as a couple?
Your mission or mandate will be the glue when your marriage gets hard. Having a mission for your marriage helps you fight for something bigger than yourself.  When both realize that they are not just in this thing for themselves, they are more likely to work harder to stay together.
Here are some questions to ask your spouse in order to create a mission.

  1. What do I bring to the table?
  2. How can my spouse and I fuse our strengths and passions?
  3. What is something we are both passionate about?
  4. What are the steps we need to take to live out this mission?