Tag: single

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Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Single Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways Marriage Mentors Can Change Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do"

parents meeting girlfriend of their son at home

When I went to Christ for the Nations Institute, a Bible college based in Dallas, Texas, we heard a lot about mentors, or spiritual parents. One amazing man shared about a time that his spiritual father rebuked him for the way he spoke sharply to his exhausted, pregnant wife. I personally longed for a man of God to be a father to me as I answered the pastoral call on my life.
Mentoring is essentially discipleship.
Mentors serve so many purposes in our lives. Some may be there for life, other times a mentor is there for a specific reason or season. Whatever the purpose or length of time may be, mentors have forever changed our marriage by investing in us.
Once, in Bible college an older couple pulled Sarah and I aside and told us that they believed they had heard from the Lord about us. They then began to unpack half an hour’s worth of encouragement and prophetic words that helped pave the way for where we are heading, even today!
One of the most powerful times a couple mentored us was when we were preparing for our time on the mission field. We spent a week with this couple as they worked with us in experiencing areas of healing from old wounds, hearing God’s voice, and re-committing to ourselves to one another.
The Gifts Mentors Give
Mentors in any season are truly a gift from God, but as a dating couple, these mentors can be indispensable.
Here are three ways marriage mentors can produce life in your marriage before you’re married.
 
1.  They’ve been where you’re going. Mentors have experienced what you have or will experience, and they can help you avoid mistakes they made. One day, when my wife and I were “in talks” to have a relationship, we had a big fight. I stormed off and walked three miles to the house of an older couple that we knew and loved. When I told this couple about our fight, the husband, Bill, told me, “Daniel, I don’t know what to tell you. But Carlene and I have had our ‘spats’ too, and when we do, I talk to Jesus. Now, there’s a quiet room in the back. Go back there, pray, and listen. That’s what I do when we fight.” Funny. While he claimed to not have the answers, he gave me the answer. To this day, if Sarah and I have disagreements, I don’t go to people, I go to Christ. What a legacy this man left for me!
 2.  They can see what you can’t. Mentors have the privilege of objectivity. Mentors can look at your relationship without any bias. They can direct you when you’re lost, correct you when you’re wrong, and inspect you when you’re confused.
 3.  They give you something to strive for. Sarah and I have had some marriage mentors for life, and some for short seasons. No matter how long we have them pouring life into our marriage, we see a portrait of a beautiful marriage that we long to resemble, some day. These Godly men have modeled gentleness and delight toward their wives in front of me. These gracious wives have modeled patience and faith toward their husbands in front of my wife.
Because of the examples of Godly mentors in our dating season, we had a goal to aim for.
Oh, that we would distance ourselves from the selfie-obsession of our generation! May we learn to value the priceless treasures of wisdom found in others! Trust me: you do have more to learn.
Do you and your significant have marriage mentors?

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Home Single

Position Yourself to be Found

Two young people sitting on benches in a park and talking
There are many women that desire to be in a relationship. Yet, they are still single. The man of your prayers will not magically appear before you at the altar. You have to be willing to position yourself to be found.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
The definition of find is to discover (something or someone) without planning or trying to. The man that God has for you can’t discover you if you aren’t in position to be found. Your home isn’t a place of position, it’s more a place of comfort. Get up and get out of the house!
We are way too old to be playing the hide and seek game. If you desire a mate, allow God to position you to be found. If you’re not in the right position you will miss the opportunity to be found by your future mate.
Many times we are distracted by temporary people or even things. I often see many women posting on Facebook about their single season. Facebook posts will not put you in a better position to be found by him. You have to be in a place that shows that you’re available and even interested in dating.
That doesn’t mean be thirsty and expose yourself to men to be seen. Position yourself with dignity and class. The best posture to be found by your mate is serving the LORD. It is at the moment that you are serving God and his people you will be in right place at the right time to be found.
Don’t be afraid of rejection – it happens. When you allow God to direct your path to be positioned properly, rejection will not occur as often and you will know that the right man when he approaches you. He will be everything you prayed for and much more.
I will leave you with this… I prayed to God to send me a man of God that was on fire for him, that would love me and my children unconditionally. I prayed for a man that would pray for me and with me. I prayed about several things that I wanted in a Godly man according to the word of God.
You will know when you meet the right one because your spirit will leap with joy. I came in contact with a few people while single but my spirit didn’t leap when I interacted with them. They didn’t line up with my prayers or even the word of God. So, I kept it moving.
I continued to serve God and one day I looked up and saw the most handsome man that I’d ever seen on earth. My spirit leaped with joy and I knew it was something different about him. Well, I approached him and introduced myself. No harm in that ladies. After, that I went before the Lord and sought his counsel for my life. I needed to know if this was the one that God had for me. Sure enough God answered and said “It’s him!”
I said all that to say, be intentional about your relationship with Jesus Christ. Stay in communication with him always. The more you talk to God, he will position you so that he can bless you with the desires of your heart, according to his plan for your life. When you are positioned by God, you will be found by the right one that he purposely designed just for you.

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Dating/Courting Single

The Number One Thing EVERY Single Should Know Before Dating!

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

Preparing for the dating scene can be quite a tedious process. Exciting, but tedious. As women, we do our best to make sure we’re in a position to be found, while most men do their best to make sure they are in a position to date or court. Many attend conferences and seminars to make sure they’re fully prepared for the dating/courting process. While all of this is necessary, in my experience there’s one thing that has the potential gets lost in the process…YOU.
“What do you like in a woman?” That’s the first question I asked every guy I dated, with my pen paper in hand. Dating three young men at the same time became WAY too much for me, as they all liked different attributes in a woman. Doing my best to be the woman each of them desired became overwhelming! One weekend I was an outspoken girl who didn’t mind going to the club (totally not me), the next week I was extremely reserved and quiet (also not me), and the other week I was made to feel inferior and uneducated (also, not me).
During the initial phase of the dating process, I was so consumed with being the perfect girl for the gentleman who captured my attention; I forgot to be who God created me to be. I wasn’t the fun, silly, dress up and dress down and lover of laughter and stimulating conversations girl I was around my friends! During the dating process, I became three different people and Shannon Cheri Colar, part time.
So what should every single know? EVERY SINGLE SHOULD KNOW WHO THEY ARE! Again, the dating process has the potential to be extremely exciting, but at what cost? Understand, God created you with your destiny in mind, what human is worth altering that? No one. While dating, keep in mind there is someone, if not someone(s), who will love you just the way you are!
With knowledge that I lost myself in the dating process, I decided to STOP dating all together, remind myself who I was, and allow HIM to find me “being me”. It wasn’t until I started “being me” that someone who loved me for me found me!
My encouragement to every single person is to fall in love with “you” before inviting anyone else to. If you’re not enough for the individual during the dating process, you’ll never be enough, not in courtship, not in marriage. You know the old saying “Go where you’re celebrated, and not tolerated”.
XOXO,
Shannon C Colar

Categories
Single

5 Lessons I Learned from Meeting My Wife on Facebook

Black Guy Using Smart Phone

If you are like me, a hopeless romantic, then you have already thought of or written out exactly how you want to meet your future spouse. Mine was that I would be at the grocery store and turn on isle 3 to get some pasta sauce and she would also be on the same isle looking for noodles. Our buggies would collide causing her to almost fall down, but I would catch her causing our eyes to meet. And…we would live happily ever after.
Your story may be completely different, but we all have at least once day dreamed about how we would meet them. Well, I am now married going on 4 years and my wife and I didn’t meet on isle 3, but rather the most unexpected place especially for us.
Yes, we met on Facebook. Yes, it really does happen.
I want to share with you 5 lessons I learned from meeting my wife on Facebook.
1. You May Not Meet Your Spouse How You Plan
This is the most important lesson out of the 5 simply because if I hadn’t been open to the reality that we might not meet in a way that I planned then I might still be single right now. Facebook was the LAST PLACE I ever thought I would meet my wife, and BOOM that’s exactly how we met.
2. Your Profile and Behavior Online Means A lot More than You Expect
My wife and I were both in a prayer group on Facebook and one day I saw her post a few prayers that really caught my attention. I then clicked on her page, and yes went through her pictures. I was shocked that we were already Facebook friends. She was very beautiful which caused me to do some more digging, leading me to her blog.   If she would’ve had crazy pictures up or wild stuff happening on her page then I probably would’ve ended my curiosity there. So, be conscious of how you have your page setup because you never know who might be curious about you.
3. Nothing Wrong With Taking Your Time to Get to Know Someone
After learning that she was single, I sent her a very friendly message through Facebook. I know you may be like…Wow, you stalked her and then messaged her? Yes, lol. It may be creepy then, but now its romantic  because we’re married. We messaged back and forth a few times but nothing serious at all and that went on for 8 months.
4. Every Relationship Is a Risk No Matter What
After prayer and talking with my pastor I felt the peace after 8 months of being friends with my now wife online. I sent her another message asking if she would be interested in us getting to know one another better. Even after all I did, this was still a risk. Why? Because the moment you involve another human into your world, nothing is guaranteed. This is why wisdom must be your guide helping you make the right decisions to guard your heart through the process.
5. Have a Relationship Support System in Place Before You Date
The one thing that made Natasha comfortable to actually be interested in getting to know me better was the strong community of people I had in my life. She saw I was heavily connected at my church and the many friends I had posting and commenting on my wall. But, clearly anyone can have this and still be a bit crazy. But, once Natasha and I were ready to get serious. I asked her if she wanted to speak with some of my friends from my church in order to feel more comfortable. Whether you’re meeting someone online or in person, being able to meet the people they spend majority of their time with really helps you to see what type of person they really are.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

Wifey Material or Nah?

If Proverbs 18:22 tells us “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, why do we believe wives are made after saying I do?
The scripture does not say he who finds a woman, then makes her his wife. Unmarried women let me encourage you today…..You don’t have to wait to be approached by a man before you are made into a wife! When you submit your life to the Lord and allow him to lead and guide you, he can teach you how to embody the characteristics of a wife!
Becoming a wife is not simply about being a great cook, being able to clean a house spotless or being able to bare children. Your qualifications of becoming a wife are not simply based on what the world say a wife is. After all, to the world many women with marriage certificates are wives. We see reality shows such as “Basketball Wives” or “Real Housewives of Atlanta” where the wives portrayed are half-dressed, spends money excessively, are always in drama, are rarely with their children, can’t cook, transfer from husband to husband based on who has the highest salary and are more concerned with being popular and the latest fashion than building their homes.
According to the book of Proverbs it takes more than a willing man, a ring, ceremony and a marriage certificate to become a wife. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a wife as a type of woman who…

  • has good character
  • is unselfish
  • is a nurturer
  • is good with money and knows how to multiply what she has
  • She is a provider and is good with her hands
  • she is respected and gives respect
  • she is productive and not lazy
  • she is a giver and knows how to serve others
  • she takes care of her appearance
  • she is full of wisdom
  • she knows how to watch her tongue
  • she is faithful
  • and most importantly she fears the Lord

Ladies, the next time you feel the desire to ask God for a husband, ask yourself first….”Am I am Wife?”
Let the word of God become your standard so he can make you ready for your future! When your future husband finds you, you don’t want him to just find a woman, but you want him to find a wife!

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Home Single

5 Mistakes Single People Make Before Marriage

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Single

Girlfriend's Guide to Marriage: 5 Great Lessons

by Kay King
That weekend when you think it’s going to be just the girls on a ski slope, looking fierce, laughing and chatting over a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows… that was the weekend I was looking forward to, but God had other plans.
We arrived late and upon check-in, one of my friends ran into another friend she knew.  They chit-chatted and the next thing I knew we were being invited back to her cabin for dinner.
When we arrived we quickly found out that they were having their very own “Why Did I get Married” weekend. It was 4 couples ranging from newly-weds to 10 years of marriage. I thought to myself how ironic is it that I ran into a bunch of married couples the weekend I was to be fasting for my future marriage.
If you don’t think God has a sense of humor, then you don’t know the God I serve. 
On the first night we all had dinner and conversation, it was so fun. 
From the men giving their advice to us singles and from the women giving their advice. I was literally like a sponge, soaking it all up. Here are 5 lessons I learned from them:

Lesson 1: Marriage is Selfless.

I know. I know. That may be a hard pill to swallow, considering how before we get married all we can think about is ourselves.  
Marriage isn’t for the inconsiderate. It isn’t for the selfish. Marriage is about serving. You must serve one another DAILY. You must serve one another even when you don’t feel like it. 
So before you head down that isle, make sure that you are ready to SERVE.
Even Jesus replied, “I didn’t come to be served, but to serve.” Serving is an admiral job- it’s the least likely to be chosen, but if you both have a servant’s heart, then you will have the one thing that will make your marriage last.

Lesson 2 :Marriage is For the Long Haul.

Why is it that we always look to these celebrities as a poster for how marriage should be? They have these lavish weddings and then next thing you know, TMZ  reports that so and so filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences”. What is that?!
Isn’t marriage supposed to be forever? 
One of the women at the cabin that weekend said her marriage had a few ups and down. She said they couldn’t agree on the simplest of things and some how it would always turn into a huge argument. She said they didn’t know what to do but she knew divorce was not an option.
She said to “take divorce out the equation” all together. She explained that you will be tested on the vows you spoke on your wedding day and your vows said to death do us part.
I mean, think about Christ’s marriage with the church. Now we don’t always do what we’re supposed to do, so imagine if God said “that’s it, I’m filing for divorce.”Where would we would? YIKES! I would hate to even imagine that. God said “no, I’m in this for the long haul, for eternity and even then after. Divorce is not an option, I took the vows and it said ‘for better or for worse'”.

Lesson 3: Your Spouse is Not Your Enemy.

Your spouse is a gift from God. In all your imperfections and in all your spouse’s imperfections, you have to know who your true enemy is. When you wage war, allow your spouse to fight with you instead of fighting against them.
I can even recall a  conference I went to and the speaker said, do you know who your real enemy is? She said look, nobody goes into marriage thinking that they will do this or that, she says we enter into marriage with true intentions of being the best we can be for our spouse but life happens. And as life happens, you can’t forget who your true enemy is. 
So instead of fighting with your spouse, take it to God in prayer.

Lesson 4: A couple who prays together, stays together.

Let prayer be your foundation. When you don’t know what else to do, take it to God.
Couples face a lot of big decisions and you won’t always know what to do, however we are connected to someone who knows all things.
A lot of married couples I know, have said that prayer has saved their marriages. It helped strengthen their marriage and even created a stronger unity between them. 
I can remember one of the guys saying that you should make time to pray with your spouse daily. He said that’s the best thing he ever did for his marriage. He says praying with his wife, is the best part of his day. Having her pray for him and him praying for her really empowered their marriage and even strengthen their relationship with Christ.

Lesson 5: Honor your spouse.

When you honor your spouse, it means you value your spouse.
You should view your spouse as a priceless treasure. When you honor your spouse, you give them confidence. You can honor your spouse by making sure they are number 1 over your job, your friends and your hobbies. Honor your spouse by respecting them and their feelings.
The Lord speaks a great deal in the bible about honor, so you know it must mean a lot to Him.
Honor your spouse above all else and your marriage is sure to last. 
 
 
I know as singles, we are often in a rush to get married but the one thing I am enjoying about this season of my life is the freedom I have to equip myself with the tools needed for my marriage.
God knows the desires of my heart so I will let him take care of that.

Categories
Marriage Single

Is Everyone Meant to Get Married?

This is a question I get often as a counselor and one I even wrestled with when I was single. It is not one that can not be easily answered with a simple yes or no. Before I share my opinion on the topic, we will have to take into account cultural norms about marriage including when it should happen and what it means to the culture when someone is single or married etc. Before I answer the question here are some reason why I think some people do not get married:
1. Focused on school and career.
2. Have emotional and spiritual issues that prevent them from finding a mate or committing to a mate.
3. Have unrealistic expectations.
4. Do not know how to be pursued or pursue a woman.
5. They have believed lies about marriage that keep them from committing.
6. Timing.
7. Generational curses and spiritual hindrances.
This is connected to a previous blog I wrote concerning “The One“. I believe that God brings people that are eligible and it is our job to choose them based on biblical standards, core values, and goals etc. What does that mean?
You may have had someone who was a perfect match for you, but due to whatever reason you did not get married, that doesn’t mean no one will come around. According to the CIA fact book, the ratio of men to women right now between 25 and 55 is  one to one, so there is a great chance that he or she is out there.
So why do some people not get married?
Besides the reasons I mentioned above, I do know people who really have no desire for marriage, nothing is wrong with them psychologically, they have simply been given the gift of celibacy and they find fulfillment and joy in serving the Lord and other people. These people most of the times have never  had a desire to be married.
Now how about the ones who desire to be married and are not? I believe that God is a good father, he will not give us desires for something that is beautiful and his design and then just dangle it like a carrot for us to never achieve. What I have seen is that most people who desire marriage and have godly motives towards marriage, have worked out any emotional and faulty beliefs and are walking in purpose eventually get married.
Now you can get married with all those issues, but it is best to make sure you deal with you until the one comes. Do not settle, focus on God and walk in purpose and sooner or later you will find someone walking alongside you.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

3 Signs You Are Ready for Marriage

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

by Chasity DeLaCruz
“Hey! Don’t burn the marshmallows!” Dad got my attention just in time.  I was trying out a new recipe, and our kitchen had sweet potatoes, baked fish and seasoned veggies scattered all over the place. At that moment in my life, I felt an overflow of love in my heart for the first time which led me to promise myself that one day, I will cook the same dish for my future husband. Not only this, but I wanted to cook only the best food for my better half. This also enlightened me with another realization; this was actually the first sign I saw in myself that I was ready for marriage.
There are many things that can hint to you on your readiness for committing to someone for the rest of your life. The first question you need to ask yourself before preparing for marriage is whether or not you believe God is calling you to be married. Everyone isn’t called to be married, but if you know that marriage is for you and you want to get clear on when you are ready to allow your future spouse in your life, you’re in the right place!
Here are three signs to know you are ready for marriage:

1. You See Your Partner In Your Future

Make sure that you can envision yourself building a legacy with your special someone. Do your long term goals consider your future spouse? Have you thought about how you could serve in ministry with your future mate? These are all ways that a person who is ready for marriage would consider their partner in their future plans.

2. You Are a Team Player

It’s important to understand that getting married is not all about you. Can you imagine yourself serving your partner, even when you don’t feel like it? Will you be willing to cook that meal or listen about their day when all you want to do is rest? Your readiness to be a team player is a big sign that you are prepared to consider marriage.

3. You Understand Your Core Values

The best way to date with a purpose and get aligned with a partner who shares your same values is to get clear on your core values. What is important to your life? What are your top 3 core values? If you are crystal clear on your values, you will have a better change to get a mate with similar values.
 
The bottom line is that being ready for marriage is more about your willingness to accept the level of responsibility and wisdom needed to build your life with a loving partner, and pursue a purpose-driven relationship.  At the right moment, you will have your “Ah ha” moment and realize that you are indeed ready for marriage.
 
About Chasity: Chasity DeLaCruz is the founder and creator of chasitydelacruz.com. She is a wife, mom, missionary and dating strategist. She helps amazing women create their dream relationship by dropping causal dating and taking on dating with a purpose. Chasity has mastered the art of creating a purpose-driven relationship, and she’s an expert at helping women prepare for a God-centered marriage.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

How Grief Affects Your Relationships

by Raven Evans
Unbeknownst to many folk, grief is the common factor in most relationship issues that couples face on a regular basis. However, grief has a silver lining. God created grief with good intentions; he wanted us to feel it and overcome it. The problem with this unbearable sadness is that many stay stuck on the wrong side of it, never healing from the initial effects.
 
Grief is our natural reaction to loss and as humans, loss is inevitable. It starts when we leave the birth canal and enter into a world of unfamiliarity; the environment around us is no longer the comfortable womb that we have been in for the past nine months. We must now adapt to new sounds, voices, images, feelings, and surroundings. All humans go through this process and it is not an uncommon experience; even as infants, we grieve over our losses. Grief encourages us to understand and overcome our emotions in a healthy way by helping us adjust to the constant changes in environment, which life always brings; it helps us to evolve as God intended.
Most of us are not still upset over what happened at birth, but we are still grieving over our traumatic childhood experiences, especially when it comes to how we interact with others. These past events are affecting our ability to have healthy and stable relationships in the present. The seeds of rejection, disappointment, and negative emotions, which are often planted in childhood, come to fruition during our adult life. These seeds lead to insecurity, instability, and emotional distress during our daily lives.
You are probably still grieving over each failed relationship from your early days and the pattern that has emerged in your daily interactions is a byproduct of that grief. You may be finding it difficult to have lasting romantic relationships. Your soul is still comparing your previous relationships to your current one or the one that you are actively pursuing. Therefore, you may be experiencing subconscious feelings of being dropped or rejected, feelings of panic, and fears of being heartbroken. These negative expectations cause you to react poorly, which in turn will hinder your ability to have a healthy and fruitful relationship.
You may find yourself wondering where your downfall began. Was it the childhood boyfriend or girlfriend that moved away for good? Was it a really bad break up from the “puppy love” you fell in during junior high? You need to process these feelings in your adult life no matter how minor they may seem to your current state of mind.

  • Open your journal and begin writing your feelings, reliving your past moments, and letting yourself experience the situation one more time.
  • Look for patterns in your failed relationships.
  • Think about how you felt when they left you, disappointed you, or broke up with you.

What did you do about those feelings? Did you ever work through them or did you just forget them, push them aside, and move on to the next relationship?
When you don’t deal with the emotions attached to each situation, you allow toxicities to take over your soul. 
After writing it out, ask God for help to heal the broken areas of your heart. Ask God to fix the wound that grief has left upon your soul. It is not going to be easy reliving your past experiences, but it will be highly beneficial to the health of your current or future relationships. Unhealed grief can cause further trauma in your life. Don’t miss out on a beautiful relationship that God wants to bless you with by keeping grief alive in your heart! Ask Him for help and you will recover!