Tag: communication

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Communication Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways to Recharge Your Marriage

Cute black couple talking and holding hands

Couples can be so busy with the demands of life that they forget to create moments of intimacy as a means of recharging and refreshing their relationship. In fact, many marriages suffer because couples do not reset their perspectives and connect with one another on a regular basis (Proverbs 29:18). Spending quality time with your spouse keeps the fire of intimacy burning continually in your marriage. It also helps couples to re-center their marriage and refresh their hearts for one another.
When God’s love is the motivation for quality time in marriages, it creates amazing intimacy and growth. Don’t let “the unimportant” outweigh the importance of building a great marriage. I have learned that making a priority of spending time together creates meaningful and memorable moments that strengthen your bond and adds depth to your marriage for the years to come. Here are three ways to make quality time a top priority in your marriage:

  1. Take the time to dream together. Amos 3:3 says how can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? Spending quality time is the perfect time to talk, dream, pray, and seek God about His vision and direction for your marriage. Spend time worshipping and thanking God for all that He has done in your marriage. Taking a relaxing walk in a park, on the beach, or in your neighborhood as you dream with one another creates connection and communication without boundaries as you grow closer to Jesus and each other.
  1. Have romantic date nights and spontaneous getaways. This means turning off cell phones and laptops to devote your undivided attention and enjoy one another. Date nights and spontaneous getaways don’t have to be expensive. Take a weekend drive to try a new restaurant, go to a movie and have coffee afterwards, or make a romantic dinner together and cuddle. Whatever you do, be adventurous, laugh a lot, and most importantly, have fun (Proverbs 17:22)!
  1. Write love notes. Surprise your spouse with love notes in secret places like in a book they are reading, in their lunch for work, or on their steering wheel to find during their drive to work. An unexpected love note in the morning can create awesome evenings of intimacy and quality time to keep the passion in your marriage (Col 3:14).

Wherever you are in your marriage, it is never too late to make the commitment to spending quality time with your spouse. Find ways to keep the fire of intimacy burning in your relationship. What other ways can you and your spouse be intentional in your marriage and spend quality time with each other?
 
 
 
 
 

Categories
Finances Marriage

3 Reasons Why My Spouse Isn't Getting Much For Christmas

winter, fashion, couple, christmas and people concept - smiling man and woman in hats and scarf hugging over holidays lights background

‘Tis the season to go shopping! It seems everywhere you look, there are deals – online, commercials, catalogs. The Christmas shopping season has officially begun!
Some couples love to spend lots of money on gifts – whether it be Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, or any other special occasion. We choose to put limits on the amount of money we spend for each occasion. Here’s why:
1. It keeps us from placing a value on our relationship based on the amount of money the other spent.
Now this is just silly. If you think your spouse doesn’t love you enough because they didn’t spend at least $500 on your Christmas gift, there are probably some deeper issues you and your spouse need to work through together. The monetary cost of a material item that you probably don’t need should NOT be the determining factor in what you think your spouse feels about you. (Personally, I love when my spouse saves us money!)
 
2. It helps us stay on track with our financial goals.
Do we ever want something that costs more than we would like to spend? YES! We are human. We enjoy nice things. We still have wants and desires just like everyone else, but when it comes to the bigger, more expensive things, we like to plan them into our budget and save up ahead of time. As an example, ten months into our marriage, we purchased a pretty expensive little puppy. It was something we knew we wanted, so we spent several months making sure we had the savings handy for the right moment (and the right puppy, of course). Are there times that we have bent this rule and splurged? Yes – one of our favorite traditions is going downtown on a random day around Christmas to see a Broadway show in Chicago. We try to set a limit for these shows, but we often spend a little more than we plan for. There are going to be once-in-a-lifetime experiences that come up, and that’s okay if you can afford it, but it shouldn’t be the norm. And it shouldn’t ruin your financial goals. Don’t let something material put you behind financially for the sake of short-term satisfaction.
 
3. It allows us to spend money elsewhere.
This point really determines what is most important to you. Maybe gift-giving and receiving is your primary love language. If big gifts are important, and you and your spouse can afford it, then great! In our house, we prefer to spend less money on gifts in order to save for things we really enjoy, like vacations. Understand that you have a set amount of money, and you can’t afford everything. So make it a point to prioritize where your dollars go, ensuring it aligns with where you want to take your financial future and the lifestyle you want to support.
 

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Engaged

Why I Would Never Get Married Without Pre-Marital Counseling

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In today’s society, it seems premarital counseling is often replaced with a “trial run” as couples are choosing to cohabit more and are pushing marriage off.  With couples getting married later or for those that do not have a strong faith connection, many feel they know what they need to know and are okay with bypassing counseling. However, here are some values of premarital counseling you may want to consider:
 
Pre-marital counseling helps to identify potential problem areas in your relationship.
I don’t care how healthy your relationship is, EVERYONE has something they could work on. Whether it is differing views on managing money, or how each of you prefers to handle conflict, counseling is a good way to help identify those areas of improvement. As a third party, a counselor or mentor brings an objective perspective to the equation as they point out or recognize things about your relationship that may be blinded to the both of you. Counselors also help shed light on relationship issues without one getting offended by the other.
 
Pre-marital counseling brings up situations you would not think to discuss BEFORE they are an issue.
My husband and I went through the book 101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged, and I was amazed at how much we benefited from the process! The questions focused on everything from kids, finances, marriage expectations, role definitions, life-shaping experiences, holidays, etc. It forced us to face potential relationship disagreements BEFORE they occurred.  Here are a few examples –
What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult?
What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? What have you done to address these concerns?
Describe how you were disciplined as a child. If you have children, how will your discipline be the same and how will it be different than you experienced?
What have you learned from your previous relationships that will make you a better partner for someone at this time?
Counseling also helps to instill realistic expectations once the wedding is over.
 
What do you have to lose?
What’s the worst that can happen – you call the wedding off? I would consider that a win versus a lifetime of unhappiness because you didn’t face the challenges of your relationship head on. Counseling will help force communication between future spouses and encourage you to start working as a team before you are united as one. Think of this as the vision board of your marriage – it’s your opportunity to draw the blueprint – what your dreams are, where you want to go, what you want to build, etc. If anything, it will also be a good opportunity to take a step away from the wedding planning and focus on the two of you (which is what this whole wedding thing is about, right?)
Married and Young believes in this so much that they have created a BRAND NEW program for seriously dating and engaged couples called, “Me & You Forever”.
If you are interested and would like to sign up for the waiting list, then click here. 
 
Don’t let wedding planning inhibit your investment into your relationship and future together. I PROMISE you WON’T regret it!

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Marriage Single Spiritual Intimacy

Three Qualities of a Marriage Built to Last

Exotic african bride and groom holding hands on the terrace.

I remember being where you are—watching married couples interact and imagining myself in that situation. One day. One day that may be me. As I was courting the girl I loved, who is now my wife, I consumed any and all material I could find about marriage. Young singles often take the “marriage buffet line:” picking and choosing the good and the bad from among the thousands of relationships on display before their eyes.
As a young single, I would attend weddings and overhear the bride telling their story to her friends, as they gathered around to hear what attracted them to one another. “He’s cute, funny, and smart,” was the most common among women. “She’s pretty, funny, and smart,” was common among men. That’s great, and I don’t intend to sound judgmental, but really? That’s what you’re building your future on? If we’re being realistic, cats are cute, funny, and smart!
Sarah and I invited marriage mentors into our lives and subjected them to a cascade of questions! In a world where #relationshipgoals is a constant, trending topic, young minds are saturated by qualities to emulate for their marriage, for when it’s their turn.
But what are realistic, yet high standards for a rock-solid marriage?
I could create an itemized list thousands of would-be qualities that make a marriage great, but I’ve narrowed down three rock-solid qualities of a marriage built to last, that Christian couples everywhere should make their #relationshipgoals. Spoiler alert: This list does not include cute, funny, or smart:
1. Joyful, intimate friendship. I hate that “he/she is my best friend,” has become so cliché. It is a precious thing when it’s true. It is actually rarer than we realize. Strive for intimate friendship, as you look forward towards marriage. My wife truly is my go-to, my partner in crime, and my confidant. Even though we know one another extremely well, she still fascinates me. I can honestly say that there is no one else I want by my side. Yes, we disagree at times. There is not always perfect harmony, because we are two flawed, opinionated people. But at the end of the day, she is a safe place and a warm home for me.
2. Honest, loving communication. Many marriages have the “honest” part down. Remember: it’s “trendy” to speak your mind. Well, the Lord isn’t interested in you regurgitating your flawed, carnal mind to your spouse, where your words can inflict deep, heinous scars. The biblical way is to “speak the truth in love.” (Eph. 4:15) Observe and emulate couples who know the deep and hidden places of their spouse, yet choose to honor the workmanship that the Maker has wrought in them. These couple couldn’t care two cents about being right, but they have all the passion in the world to use communication to edify one another and contribute to the glorious masterpiece that God is creating in them.
3.  Dynamic, cherished partnership with the Lord. I knew a phenomenal older couple who made their morning coffee, turned on worship music, and fervently adored their Savior together. Their voices rang in worship, and tears flooded their eyes, and they were intimate friends of the Living God! Then, after spending the morning together in worship, they partnered hand in hand with God in ministry to countless broken, enslaved people. They moved in sync with God and each other. The world has seen too few of these treasured power couples, but just imagine what the world would think if married couples of this caliber were on every street!
God’s best is better than the shallow examples of the world. Let’s elevate our expectations in marriage. Let’s “come up higher” and emulate marriage God’s way.

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

3 Character Flaws That Are Causing Your Relationship Struggles

Couple not talking after a fight on the sofa in living room at home

Once the honeymoon stage is over, the human, flawed version of your significant other will begin to show. After looking back at arguments my husband and I had in the first year of our marriage, I began to notice some recurring roots and how they inhibited us from resolving quickly. Disagreements are going to happen, that’s a given – what matters is how you respond to them. Here are some common hindrances that are keeping you from managing conflict in a healthy way.
1.  Stubbornness
Stubbornness at its core is a pride issue. When responding with stubbornness in an argument, it is often a resistance to change and a struggle of idolizing your way or your opinion. The key to overcoming stubbornness in conflict is a healthy dose of compromise. You cannot expect your significant other to change all their habits and ways to match yours – it is unrealistic! You are two different people. Be willing to listen to what they have to say.
2.  Selfishness
Want to know how selfish you are? Get married. When you join your life with another person you begin to see how you have to make sacrifices for the health and growth of your relationship or the betterment of your family. It can be challenging when you have another person to take into consideration for all your decisions, and it is also impacted by the consequences of your actions.
 
Is not getting your way worth sitting in different rooms or enduring a long, silent car ride for hours not talking to each other? Act like an adult, own up to your mistakes, take the blame, and say sorry. Decide how you are going to move forward and prevent the situation from happening again.
 
3.  Lack of Communication/Miscommunication
Many of times I have found that the fight was started either because something was communicated/received in a way other than intended, or there was no communication, leading to a vast array of potential outcomes. One of the best lessons you will ever learn: your spouse is not a mind reader! If you want help, ask! You can’t get upset with your significant other if they had no reason to think, act, or respond otherwise. Often times women want men to “just know” that they need help with the dishes after dinner, or the laundry left over in the dryer. Men function better with direct communication instead of beating around the bush in hopes that they just “get it”.
 
If an argument is due to communication, acknowledge where the gap occurred, and develop a plan to avoid it in the future. There is no need to place fault on either party (communication is a two way street – the talker and the receiver). Just learn from it and move forward.
 
And just in case you do find yourself in a quarrel with your partner, make some non-negotiables. Here are some healthy boundaries my husband and I have in place for our marriage.  

  • Never go to bed angry or sleep in separate beds as a result of an argument.
  • Don’t involve other parties in the argument unless they are a mentor and are helping you work through it.
  • Never talk negatively about each other.
  • Don’t ever throw out the D-word (divorce).
  • Don’t hang up the phone or walk out/leave the house out of anger.

Just know, arguments are NORMAL. Take them as an opportunity to grow as a couple, and prosper a healthy relationship.  
 
Anyone else notice patterns in their relationship?
What helps you and your spouse work through the heat of an argument?
 

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Dating/Courting Home

5 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

Black couple having a conversation in their living room

We all know it , one of the areas that gets hit first in a relationship is clear communication. What Satan desires is to blur the lines of communication, having you assume but not speak and eventually begin to walk in different directions. Below are some ways to safe guard the lines of communication in your relationship.
1.  Over-communicate– Do not assume the other person knows, say it, ask it so that all parties can be on the same page.
2.  Listen with your heart– When the other person talks, listen not to answer but to hear their heart and their needs.
3.  Do not be defensive– If you feel like you need to defend yourself from your spouse, then a level of trust is missing. Watch your body language in conflict, if you feel like you are being attacked or you always have to explain, you maybe defensive.
4. Create time to talk– Communication has to be intentional, if you are really busy set weekly dates for you guys to share your highs and lows, let each person in the party share what is on their heart. Make space for communication.
5.  Learn how your partner communicates– external communicators -like to talk things out,  internal communicators-like to think things out. Learning how your spouse communicates will allow you to give them the space they need to either think or talk. Meet each other in the middle.
Remember as you grow as a couple, your communication will get stronger and stronger, but you have to intentionally practice.

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Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

What to Do When You Discover It's Love

Five years before my wife became my wife, we were stuck in summer school together. Our school had cubicles lining the walls and she was two cubicles away from where I sitting. I feel bad for the poor, innocent soul who sat in the cubicle between ours; he was stuck right in the middle of two star-struck teens, in the thick of our teen angst.
We would toss little notes of wadded graph paper back and forth between cubicles. We did this all summer long; it’s how we passed our time! But one day, it all changed. Sarah wasn’t even my girlfriend at the time, but there was obvious chemistry between us. I knew how I felt, but was far too afraid to tell her—and even more terrified to discover how she felt.
This little game of ours went on without a hitch—until one day, our safe little world was cracked wide open. After a fun night hanging out with our friends, she looked at me differently as she got back into her car. The next day, she was obviously being tormented by some distant musings. I asked her if anything was wrong, but she couldn’t give me a straight answer. I was frustrated and bewildered by the complexity of the female mind, and returned to my little cubicle, none the wiser.
As our four-hour summer classes ended that day, that familiar little wadded up ball of paper landed on my desk—but this time, with a thud. This one changed my world. “I’m OK, Dan. I just never expected to fall in love with my best friend.”
What? Excuse me, WHAT?!
True Love’s Aftermath
As I went to work after that stunning revelation that Sarah was in love…with me…my mind was awhirl with questions, and joy, and terror.
When you discover that the individual that you’ve been pining after with trembling hands and heart ablaze feels the same way, everything changes. Navigating the precarious waters of being in love is a beautiful, yet delicate situation.
I’d like to help you out. When you discover that it’s love, remember these three things: recall your standards, act with chivalry, and stay calm.
Recall Your Standards.
When you fall in love, it is so easy and very tempting to follow your heart. As romantic and poetic as this notion sounds, the biblical principle is to follow the Holy Spirit. Your heart is still in process and development. In the nostalgic and whimsical realm of love, I had to remember what true love looks like, which is often to protect your relationship and your hearts, at the expense of impulsivity. Remember your vows of purity, and adhere to them. It is easy to fall to prey to impulses when your heart suppresses your rationale.
Act with Chivalry.
I knew that I had Sarah wrapped around my finger, and she knew she had me at her beck and call, also. It would have been easy for me to act on instinct, rather than respect. Don’t allow your flesh to mute your chivalry. Serve him or her. Be honest. Be the you that he or she fell in love with.
Stay Calm.
When that bomb dropped and I learned of Sarah’s true feelings for me, I panicked. What if I couldn’t sustain her feelings? What if she got to know me more intimately, and learned that I was more human than she had originally thought? These thoughts are normal. What I learned instead was to take it step by step, day by day. Your significant other fell in love with you. Not your superhero alter ego! Understand that, yes, your companion will see your flaws, but true love will pick up where infatuation leaves off.
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Poisons That Don't Belong in Relationships

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Throughout life, it’s inevitable that our hearts and minds will take beatings in ways that can potentially have a negative effect on our view of ourselves and others. The problem is, when we allow those negative thoughts to reign over the reality of who God says we are, they can cause some serious damage in our relationships.
In order to maintain a thriving relationship – whether it’s a friendship, a relationship, marriage, or with a family member – I believe it’s incredibly important to recognize when you’ve allowed these ‘poisons’ into your life, and then get rid of them!
Here are five poisons that I have observed:

  1. Insecurities: Insecurities are incredibly easy to pick up. The truth is, an insecurity represents an area of your life that is not under the authority of God. Acknowledging insecurities that you carry is a good start to getting rid of them.  Then it’s important to pursue what God says about it, and let Him have the final say.
  2. Comparisons: The problem with comparisons is that they will never end once you start! Someone will always be more ____[fill-in-the-blank] than you. But there will never be anyone who has the exact combination of gifts, personality, appearance, history, and desires as you do! The world can’t have another human being exactly just like you, so why deprive them? Figure out what makes you unique and celebrate those qualities, instead of wishing you were like someone else. Otherwise, it is an open door for jealousy, shame and self-deprecation – all of which can wreak havoc on your relationships because you will only be able to love the other person according to how much you love yourself.
  3. Negative assumptions: Assuming the worst in someone will likely bring the worst out of them. Of course people are going to let you down. Of course people are going to fail. But if you continually expect the worst to happen you may create some false truths about the other, along with missing a lot of good that may be going on! In general, assuming the best has a way of raising the other to a higher standard, along with freeing yourself from worry, anxiety, frustration, etc.
  4. Fear: Fear causes us to make decisions that may not be rooted in wisdom or love. This can put a huge strain on relationships, especially when the other isn’t aware of fears you may struggle with. It’s important to keep your motivation in check. Ask yourself why you are making a decision. Are you afraid of what could happen if you don’t? Or is it because you are certain it is right for the circumstances you’re in?
  5. Lack of Vulnerability: It is impossible to deeply connect with another person if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Not expressing feelings or opening up can only last so long until it creates a tension in a relationship. Being vulnerable may be scary at times, but has a way of developing a safe place which in turn allows a relationship to progress. Without progression, relationships tend to just go backward or fall apart.Above all, relationships take work and being intentional! The more proactive you can be about not allowing these ‘poisons’ in your relationships, the more life-giving they will be.

Categories
Marriage

Marriage Hacks: 6 Keys to Ensure a Healthy & Happy Marriage

1) Have realistic expectations.
We know our spouse isn’t perfect, so why do we act so surprised when they give us proof they’re not perfect? We must accept there will be hard times, and some days will be less stellar than others.
Here are some reasonable expectations for your marriage:

  • We will be faithful to one another
  • We will be honest with one another.
  • We will be patient with one another.
  • We will serve one another.

2)  Focus on self-improvement, not spouse improvement.
Be the kind of spouse you’re looking to have. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How can I communicate better?
  • How can I show more respect?
  • How can I bring out the best in him/her?
  • How can I better serve him/her?

3) Get a plan for working through conflict. 
We’re all different. We all process and handle things differently. We all come in broken and we must have a plan to work through conflict to ensure a healthy God-honoring marriage. Here are some ways to handle conflict positively:

  • Assume the best. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
  • Seek first to understand, then to be understood. LISTEN! Hear what they’re meaning. Not just what they’re saying.
  • Respect your spouse’s style of processing. Give yourselves a few minutes to process, then come back. And before you re-enter the conflict, take a moment to pray for one another.
  • Be quick to say “I’m sorry”.
  • Be quick to forgive.
  • Address issues without attacking.
  • Don’t go to bed angry.

4) Follow God’s plan, not the worlds pattern.
Marriage should be a place of grace and truth. It’s not all about a huge fancy ceremony. Take the time to truly invest in maintaining your marriage.
5) Never stop growing in communication.
Be very intentional about building a culture of open, honest and respectable communication with your spouse. No matter how good you become at this, never become complacent. There’s always room for improvement.
6) Resolve that quitting is not an option!
This is the key. No matter what happens, REFUSE TO QUIT! This is the key to divorce proofing your marriage! We live in a world that’s all about the flavor of the moment and many treat marriage the same way. Realize that when you choose to stand before your spouse, you’re not only making a commitment to them, but you’re also making a covenant before God. Always honor both that commitment and that covenant.
These hacks are by no means all-encompassing; however, if you take advantage of them, your marriage will definitely benefit. I know mine has!
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

The Superpower Every Man Needs From Their Woman

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

“The Lord God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” Genesis 2:18

Did you know God created women with superpowers? Well, he did. When God created us, he gave us special capabilities to HELP the men in our life progress….and on the flip side, regress!

When I think of a “helper”, I think of someone willing to do what it takes to ensure the goal is met. Someone who is encouraging, speaks positively, and uplifts the one he/she is helping.  The problem is, women are often associated with the terms “nagging” and “complaining” (in our defense, some of us are just stating what we see). Anywho, my point is God equipped us to assist our loved ones (males specifically) across their finish line(s). Problem is, some of us are killing them, their hopes, and dreams before they can reach them.
Proverbs 21:19 “ Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”. Why would it be better for a man to live in a desert, rather than with his helpmate, who nags occasionally?  Question…Have you ever tried to work on something and a fly KEPT buzzing around you? How distracting did it become? How much more would you have been able to accomplish had the fly NOT been around.

The same goes for being a helpmate. Men need encouragement! Though they may never express it, they too struggle with insecurities, fears, possibilities and disappointments. To have someone constantly remind you of your shortcomings and failures has a way of killing what little hope was left.

Instead, I challenge those who are in relationships (married or courting) to use your superpowers for good, not evil! Lift the men in your life up, encourage them, remind them of the king that lives within, and watch their drive and motivation kick in! In my experience, men are most concerned with the opinion of those closest to them.
Ladies, with our words alone we have the power to EMPOWER, INSPIRE, PUSH and MOTIVATE our men to be EVERYTHING GOD CALLED THEM TO BE! There’s only one problem, many of us have grown accustom to sharing their flaws, killing their self-esteem and making them feel invaluable, which has the power to hinder them from completing the task they were ultimately sent here to complete.
These last few weeks have been eye opening to me. I’ve learned, the right amount of listening, encouraging, motivating and praying goes much further than my nagging!

Be encouraged.