Category: Physical Intimacy

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Marriage Physical Intimacy

How Much Sex Should We Be Having?

What do you do when intimate moments of having sex with your spouse becomes few and far between? When your spouse no longer desires you at the level and/or frequency they once did. When your sex life becomes scarce, mundane, predictable and ultimately unappealing – leaving you upset and frustrated.
What happens when you fall into the sexless marriage?
Before I go any further, let’s uncover what constitutes as a sexless marriage. Statistically, the average healthy couple has sex 2-3 times a week; a small percentage of married couples even have sex 4 or more times a week. However, there is a group of couples that don’t fall into either category, having sex only a few times a month.
But wait…there’s more.
Lower on the totem pole are those couples who only have sex 1 time a month or less; a marriage is considered “sexless” if the couple only engages in sex at this level (approx. 10-12 times a year or less.) At this rate, sex is merely an obligation, rather than an enjoyable bond between two beings.
Now, I am not huge on comparisons. I believe that the healthiness of your personal sex life should be measured based on the love, happiness and peace within your own marriage. These numbers given are simply statistical averages.
Regardless, these numbers are real and so are the people experiencing the sexless marriage. I am going to take a moment to be open, honest and transparent with you. If you are in this predicament, whatever the case, there is hope…there is always hope.
Here is my #1 tip to turn around a sexless marriage

Get your Priorities Straight

Before you click away thinking I am going to give a bunch of cliche answers to why your sex life isn’t where you want it to be, hear me out on this one.
Your values and priorities are very apparent to the one you spend your life with – I mean c’mon, they see you EVERY DAY.
There are times when my wife has wanted to spend time with me, but I am busy working, on the internet, or talking on the phone. On the other hand, there are times when I want to spend time with her and she is watching TV, cleaning, or on social media. This can be problematic and display the lack of value that you hold for your spouse.
We all deal with these idols and distractions on some level – yes, I said idols, but there has to be a clear balance or that is what they actually become. One of the professors from my college always explained it like this:

We can measure our values based on time. What ever you spend the most timedoing is the dearest to your heart. (i.e. “higher priority,” “more important” or even “idolized”)

So, if your spouse openly communicates that they want to talk, cuddle, take a walk, go on a date, be in the same room or even have sex, it is your job to be aware of that. But you need to do more than just that – you NEED to clearly communicate with them and take action to engage activity with them.
If you blow them off, and then spend time on your own agenda (day after day, week after week) you are sending strong messages that you:

  1. Aren’t interested
  2. Don’t really care
  3. Value many other things before your spouse

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I have talked with many men who try to engage intimacy with their wives, but are completely ignored, or blown off for the extensive list of priorities/chores, kids, work, etc. Yet their wives still find hours of time for their own pleasures. I am sure the same case happens the other way around as well (but I don’t talk to women about it…lol)
But, there also has to be grace.
Sometimes we communicate with our spouses and it is just brushed under the rug accidentally. If you are willing to communicate your desires, and they are still ignored (which happens often in marriages) you still have to find balance in your communication and not let that resonate in your mind.
I wrote recently about mentoring, and I am a firm believer that this works for marriages as well.
Many refer to this as counseling, but the word counsel implies that something needshelp or fixed. That’s fine, but I prefer the word mentor because I don’t believe you should wait for the hard times to seek help – if you value and love your spouse, which we all do (or have at some point) then we should be consistently taking steps to better serve the other and express our love in a manner that speaks their ‘love language.’
We can do this through having a mentor (being spoken into) and mentoring others (speaking into.)

Challenge Your Marriage

Check this out – so, I read about a couple online that had completed a 365 day sex challenge. YEAAA BUDDY, you heard me right. 365 days of pure, intimate, hot & steamy sex. Ok, I don’t know if it was all of those descriptive words, but still!!
365 DAYS OF SEX!!!! WHAT?!
This couple had been married for several years and hit a rough patch when they decided to complete this challenge. After the challenge, they wrote a book and one of the comments that the couple made (besides the fact that their life’s dramatically changed for the better inside and outside of their home) was this:

“There is a special sense of being desired that only comes from sex.”

Oh, and it is so true. I don’t know about you, but when I have sex with my wife, my whole world turns upside down. Afterwards I feel like conquering the world, being a great husband, dad, and doing awesome at work.
So, I am not saying go have sex with your spouse 365 times and that will fix your problems – but I am saying to go show them that you VALUE them, LOVE them and DESIRE them.
If you are being with held from intimacy, be patient, understanding and show grace. If you are the one not engaging in intimacy, drop the things you ‘think’ are your priorities, and spend time with that person you call the love of your life…your spouse.
This weekend we have a SPECIAL FLASH SALE! Click below for more information.
 
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Dating/Courting Home Marriage Physical Intimacy

3 Reasons Why Christian Men fall Slave to Porn

Pornography. The dirty secret of mankind, the killer of relationships and the destroyer of lives.
Statistically, more than 50% of (christian) married men immerse themselves in this vial content. But, whether Christian or not, to deny the negative effects pornography has on ones life would be naive. It is even proven in scientific studies that porn can:

  • Destroy trust in intimacy between couples
  • Lower your sensitivity to vulgarity
  • Cause a belief that marriage is restraining
  • Create a lack of desire to raise children or be involved with family
  • Distract your from your work, career, dreams and calling on your life

While there is no specific place in scripture where God says, “Porn is bad,” there are crucial scriptural references from which we can pull an adequate and biblical standpoint on the subject. Scriptures that cover addiction (Corinthians 6:12,) impurity/sexual immorality (Ephesians 4:19,) lust (Matthew 5:28,) etc., are all powerful and relevant references.
Still, marriages are destroyed daily, kids are left fatherless, leadership positions in the house of God are abandoned, and commitments are forgotten…all for what?
Pornography?
Let’s take a deeper look into this topic as I reveal 3 Reasons Christian Men Fall Slave to Porn.

I. They Have a Misunderstanding of Love

Point blank: God is love.
Pornography provides a false sense of love, where love is demonstrated by passion and desire rather than commitment. A misunderstanding of love can stem from a vast array of life issues, (we all have them.) But, when we don’t understand that God is love, we tend to fill that void with things that temporarily make us feel good.
When you are living a life without a true understanding of love, you are holding yourself back from complete freedom in the Lord and are willingly opening the doors to resentment in your marriage.
You can, however, overcome; not by your own strength, but by gaining knowledge and wisdom on the subject of true love from a biblical standpoint.

II. Their Marriage Is Not Satisfying

Relationships, especially marriages, take a lot of work. Day-in and day-out, it takes effort to sustain a Godly marriage, which can be quite draining, mentally and physically. Porn offers (Christian) men a ‘solution’ where they:

  • Don’t have to make commitments
  • Aren’t required to express romance
  • Don’t have to sacrifice
  • Aren’t limited to one woman
  • Don’t have to hear “no thanks…”

The often unknown truth about marital intimacy, is that sexual satisfaction takes time (longer in some marriages than others.) There needs to be a balance of understanding, grace and sacrifice that takes place during this time of growth.
III. They Don’t Understand God’s Order
A man is driven by his ability to conquer, lead and protect; we are hardwired with these natural instincts. But these instincts can become distorted, and we can easily forget them if we allow our marriage to get out of order. When your marriage operates out of God’s order, it leaves room for you to turn to addictions that still give you that sense of control.
If a man understands and obediently follows God’s order in his Christian marriage, it leaves no room for error in sexual sin. (Note that I said ‘no room for error’ and not ‘no room for temptation.’  Temptation will always be there, but error doesn’t have to be.)
Ultimately, when you look past all of the distortion that porn addiction brings to a marriage, it all boils down to the fact that the man is changing up God’s intended order. He is putting his own needs before His wife’s needs, and since he is the spiritual leader of his home, impurity is inevitably where he leads his family.
Don’t go down a path you weren’t created for. Man up and lead your marriage to greatness.

Categories
Marriage Physical Intimacy

Pop Culture's View of Sex vs. God's View of Sex

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Engaged Marriage Physical Intimacy

4 Requirements from God for a Thriving Marriage

The first marriage ever recorded in the history of humankind is found in Genesis 2 with our parents, Adam and Eve. Since that marriage, hundreds of thousands of other men and women have followed in their footsteps.  Those that have invented things that have changed the course of history will never be forgotten. From Konrad Zuse, inventor of the computer, Alexander Bell, inventor of the telephone, to Madame C.J. Walker (inventor of hair lotion) who all have made a stamp on this world through their contribution.  But, no invention will ever be able to trump God’s invention of marriage.  Be encouraged by these requirements from the Inventor of marriage!
 
1. Work as a Team
 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4.11-12
God brought you and spouse together in order to work your purpose together.  It is very easy to forget during hard moments when you and your spouse are disagreeing that you are on the same team.  On any team the hardest challenge is learning how to work in sync with your teammates.  Professional teams spend years learning one another in order to perfect their teamwork ability.  You may differ greatly from your spouse, but its in the differences that you can learn to value what your spouse has.
 
2. Enjoy Your Spouse.
 
Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose – don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Proverbs 5:18-19 (MSG)
 God gives you full permission to enjoy your spouse to fullest.  In between the long hours at work, taking care of kids, and keeping everyone else happy around you; enjoying your spouse can easily be pushed to the bottom of the list.  Make it a priority to enjoy your spouse in some way each day whether that be through a great night of passionate sex, intimate pillow talk, or cuddling on the couch for a late night movie once the kids are in bed. They are a gift to you, and you deserve to enjoy them.
 
3. Husbands never stop loving. Wives never stop respecting.
 Wives submit to your husbands, as fitting to the Lord. Husbands love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:18-19 (NKJV)
 There is a great book written by Emmerson Eggerichs entitled, “Love and Respect”.  In this book he does an excellent job at breaking down this biblical principle.  Husbands desire respect more than anything from their wives, and wives desire love more than anything is respect.  When a husband feels respected by his wife then loving her is even easier, and when a wife feels loved by her husband, respecting him is even easier. Husbands you can love her over and above by paying attention to the details of her life and putting extra effort into meeting her needs. Wives you can show him more respect by trusting his leadership, listening well to the things that are heavy on his heart, and praying forth those things to God.
 
4. Be A Peacemaker.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3 (NKJV)
I released a quote on my Facebook page about how you have to “work” everyday at making your marriage better. Well, that sparked a little debate between some of my readers.  One person disagreed, stating, “your marriage shouldn’t be a chore that you have to work at it.”  I disagreed with him and used this verse to back up my reasoning.  It is clear here that God says we must make every effort to keep unity even when being angry or unforgiving is easier. Being a peacemaker in your home shouldn’t be left up to one spouse, but both should make every effort to keep the peace.  Yes, you will disagree and argue, but the purpose is to patiently come to a resolve with even more love for each other.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Physical Intimacy

Ask Dr. Faith |8 Spiritual Red Flags To Look For In A Relationship

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Physical Intimacy

5 Quick Ways to Jumpstart to a Healthy Lifestyle

Many times I paid to write articles hear people say, ” I can’t afford to buy whole/organic foods” or “I don’t have enough time to work out and get fit/healthy.”

I know in this part of the Western World, eating unhealthy foods and skipping the gym is so much easier and convenient, but I promise you: the hospital bills, the medicine script, the exhausted and overworked body and ultimately the sickness is WAY more expensive than taking steps to living in wholeness NOW.

Here’s a great way to start:

1.

Recruit help!

Bring a friend in on your choice to live healthy and stay accountable!

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It’s so much easier and way more fun to do it with someone else.

 

2. Get educated!

Watch a documentary: Food Matters, Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead, or Forks over Knives are great Netflix movies!

 

3. Make some changes!

Cut something out (soda, fast food, eating late) and replace it with something else (water, home-cooked meal, veggie snack).

 

4. Discipline your body!

Sign up to the gym, a cross fit class, a home workout routine, running, biking… whatever! Do something that will burn fat, release endorphins and make you feel good about yourself!

 

5. Love yourself:

Value your body enough to give it what it needs to work properly! This is going to make you a healthy, happy you! You are worth the investment! Don’t just settle for what McDonalds offers you! Your body needs nutrients! So give it what it needs to be healthy!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Parenting Physical Intimacy

Ask Dr. Faith |5 Steps to Overcoming Betrayal

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Marriage Physical Intimacy

Sex, Who's Really In Control?

It’s no secret that under God’s law, sex is only permissible between a married man and woman. This we all know. However, how do we please each other during this sanctimonious act? How can the husband be satisfied? How can the wife be satisfied? Can both be satisfied at the same time? The answer is actually nuanced within 1 Corinthians 7:3-4. In verse 3, Paul calls it a “right”…an undeniable benefit of the marriage union. The spouse has the right under God’s eyes to sexually enjoy their mate. Again we know this, oh but what’s hidden in verse 4 is often overlooked.
“For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” – ESV
When reading this passage we often key in on the authority that our spouse doesn’t have instead of focusing on the authority that they, and we, DO have.  Moreover, we miss how that authority is directly connected to the desire…the sexual craving we should have for our spouse. God created us to be in harmony. Each spouse is a note during the song of life and together a beautiful melody can be made…especially in the bedroom, or wherever you like to worship. Sex is worship, but that’s a post for another time. We don’t have authority over our own bodies because we should SEEK TO SATISFY OUR SPOUSE!!! That is the authority under which our sex life should lie. Fellas, the thoughts of “I’m gonna get mine” from your single, fornicating days have no place in your marriage. Ladies, using your precious gift to manipulate your husband likewise is not permissible. Both are just plain selfish and can diminish the value of this precious gift of intimacy that God reserved for you and your spouse.
Sister, you should long to sexually satisfy your husband; brother, you should have an insatiable desire to sexually satisfy your wife. Under this authority, you should always be careful to consider the sexual needs of your spouse. If you’re operating within this authority, while seeking to understand each other sexually, the marriage bed can remain “undefiled”. Your bed will be honorable because you long to sexually please your spouse, and that yearning has fueled open communication about likes and dislikes so that you can meet each other’s needs. It is at this point that taking offense when coached to do something differently will be minimized. Wanting to try different things will be ok. Why…because the changes or new experiences are the desires of your spouse and your goal is to place your spouse in God-honored sexual ecstasy that is covered by the Holy union of your marriage. You know two becoming one flesh –in all ways, including sexually!!!
Now, I understand that life will happen. Kids will come. Careers will be hectic and stressful, illness, etc. Those are facts of life that we have to deal with and they may affect thefrequency, but they shouldnever affect the intimacytied to the need to please your spouse sexually. Once you can honestly say that you want to satisfy your spouse the way they want to be satisfied, you will then have moved from having sex to genuinely making love!

Before we can fulfill our own sexual desire, we must first want to fulfill theirs!

 
mage courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Categories
Marriage Physical Intimacy

Why Dating Your Spouse is Necessary

Date: verb (used without object), dat·ed, dat·ing… to go out socially
When you first meet someone that you are attracted to and want to get to know better, going out to the movies or dinner or the park seems like a no brainer. Then you get engaged and get married, and it’s just you two. You work on the week days and go out after work or on the weekends. You have fun and enjoy each other’s company. Then you have children and everything changes. Your world becomes consumed with meeting the needs of those who cannot do for themselves, often putting your own needs and the needs of your spouse on the back burner. Spending time together just the two of you, becomes more challenging. You now have to juggle the children’s schedule, babysitters, and work schedules. With this balancing act it can become easy to take your spouse for granted and soon fall into a routine of just being roommates.
It’s at this point of marriage when dating is so necessary. It is important to carve time out of your busy schedules just for each other. Spending time has to be intentional. If it is not made a priority for the both of you, it will not happen, and you will grow a part. Couples don’t grow apart on purpose. It takes time to drift in different directions, and is just a byproduct of business. Date your spouse prior to your actual date. Take time each day to just think about the other person. Keep them in the forefront of your mind. Send a text message or email just to say “I love you and I’m thinking about you”, that way when you do get to spend time with that person your thoughts will not drift to everything else that you could be doing. Train your mind to think of them and when you are together you are not just physically present, but emotionally present as well. Invest the time to keep your marriage balanced and healthy.