One of the main issues I see when counseling couples is that they either did not have pre-marital counseling or the counseling they received was subpar. In this article I am going to share 4 areas that every premarital counseling should cover.
1. Equally yoked– It is so important for the counselor to asses if the couple is equally yoked, this does not mean do they both go to church. Differences in expressions of worship, understanding of the spiritual gifts, understanding the role of faith are some of the common problems that lead to many arguments for couples. If individuals come from different denominations it is important to discuss how they plan to work out the differences. A plan for church attendance, church involvement and raising up children in Godly environment and how much time will be spent in ministry and church should all be discussed thoroughly. One main issue I have seen are people who are very spiritual in terms of their disciplines, prayer, fasting, and worship, marry someone who is not. These differences cause a strain on the relationship, often times because the one spouse wishes the other could join them. These major differences make it difficult when one person is going after God and the other is going in a different direction.
2. Mental health issues– It is so important before couples even get engaged to discuss mental health issues as well as physical health issues that they may have or those that run in their family. In spiritual settings we often discuss generational issues or curses, but not everything is spiritual, sometimes there might be some chemical imbalances or a genetic predisposition present in family members that may later impact the other spouse or their children. It is really important to assess all these things and make a decision with ones eyes wide open going into marriage.
3. Temperament Styles- God uniquely created each of us, our temperament is our natural disposition towards life, others, God and work, stress etc. There are different types of temperament tests that even a lay man can learn how to administer and interpret. I give a simple one that breaks the temperaments into four categories: sanguine, melancholy, choleric, and phlegmatic, you can read what each of these mean at fourtemprements.com. No one is one temperament, for an example I am a choleric sanguine my husband is a melancholy choleric, we are opposites at melancholy and sanguine. Melancholies are introverted in nature, thinkers, emotional, sensitive and sometimes pessimistic. Sanguines are full of life, colorful, busy and very optimistic. My husband and I being opposite in these areas creates a beautiful balance. We meet at the choleric temperament; we are both visionaries, go getters, focused, and opinionated. Every couple should have some things in common and some things that are opposites this helps create a healthy balance and growth between each other. If you or you and your spouse would love to take the test and get an interpretation please email us at info@askdoctorfaith.com.
4. Vision mapping- Most counselors and pastors will have couples share their vision for their marriage. When it comes to writing a vision it is important that both couples are able to share individual visions as well as a 5 year and 10 year vision plans for their family. The three areas of a couple’s vision that must be covered are faith-spiritual goals, family-goals for the marriage, kids and then finances. Often times these are major areas of contention later in marriage so to have a visual map helps direct you as a couple. I suggest couples reviewing their vision every year and adjusting accordingly.
Several other areas that some counselors/pastors that cannot be skipped are intimacy expectations, child rearing plans, protocol with family members, willingness to move and relocate and expectations for marriage.
I suggest that every person if they are able to get individual counseling at some point, especially if they are getting married. Some counselors may not have a thorough understanding of relationship dynamics as well as possible maladaptive behaviors in relationships, so if possible get a second opinion.
Category: Engaged
By Disa Badillo,
This is a topic that many view as controversial but it is a topic that can either make or break marriages. Submission. A lot of people, especially women, cringe at that word. Submission in marriage gets such a bad rep these days. I know some people abuse what submission is actually supposed to be, but in order to have a marriage God’s way, as women we must be willing to submit even if we feel our husbands aren’t doing their part. We tend to say “I’ll submit when he does xy&z”. Instead of doing that let’s focus on us and what we can do better. Allow your husband to see the God in you and allow God to work on him. A quiet, gentle spirit brings about change in your man way quicker than nagging ever could.
Being a newlywed, I understand how hard it can be to submit to your husband. We have been taught to be independent and to speak our minds. Society says “It’s 2014…what do you mean I need to submit?” TV shows view submission as weakness. Everywhere you turn, you hear about how you don’t need to submit. But God’s Word remains the same no matter what people say, no matter how society changes, no matter what year it is. The Bible says that we are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21). Reverence means “deep respect for someone or something.” So out of deep respect for Christ, we are supposed to submit to one another…that includes men submitting to their wives as well, but I will get to that later. Right now, I want to focus on women.
As women, we are called to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). What I have learned is, we can’t submit to our husbands if we have never submitted to God. When I was single, I studied submission and the roles of a wife in biblical terms so that I could be ready when that day comes that I am a wife. I remember God saying, “How can you submit to your husband when you don’t even submit to me or your earthly father?” I remember it hit me hard. I never liked for people to tell me what to do, how to dress, how to wear my hair, or anything like that. I would rebel. God told me that if you rebel while you’re single, you will rebel while you’re married. I needed that kick in the butt. How often do we disregard authority because we don’t agree to the rules? How often do we roll our eyes at our parents when they tell us to do things we don’t like? Submission starts long before you are married (that is for all my single people reading this). If you are married and are having a tough time with submission, it is okay. It is never too late to start.
So what does submitting to Christ look like?
Submitting to Christ is obeying God’s word. It is including Him in every aspect of your life. It is listening to those nudges and convictions He gives you. Submitting to Christ means respecting Him. This is also what submitting to your husband should look like because out of deep respect for Christ, we are to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord. Submission isn’t meant to degrade us as women. It isn’t meant to make us a slave to our man. Submission isn’t meant to be a bad thing. Humans can make it bad, but that is not God’s plan. Do not stand for abuse…EVER! That is not love. That is not what submission is. Period. If you are in an abusive situation, seek help. I promise that is not God’s plan for your life. You are worth so much more than that.
What submission comes down to is love and respect. Husbands need to love their wives and wives need to respect their husbands. When I see women disrespect their husbands and talk to them any kind of way, especially in public, my heart hurts. We all need affirmation but especially men. I see that man being emasculated each time his wife lays down the law. Allow your husband to lead you. That is his role as a man…as a husband. Can it be hard? Yes. But with God, ALL things are possible.
This brings me to the men. The bible doesn’t only talk about women submitting. It says to submit to one another…so men have a role in submission too. Men submit to their wives by loving them like Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25). You are one with your wife. You wouldn’t disrespect yourself or beat yourself or demean yourself…so don’t do it to your wife. Love her. Cherish her. She is your crown. She is your treasure. The bible says in Proverbs “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” One translation says he who finds a wife finds a treasure. A treasure is precious. A treasure is to be handled with care. A treasure is your wife. She is your crown. Treat her as such. Don’t take your role as leader and abuse it. You should be your wife’s protector. She shouldn’t need protection from you.
I want to leave you with the The Message Translation of Ephesians 5:21-33. I hope it helps you. The Word is life changing if you let it change your life.
“Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.”
Disa is a newlywed to her best friend whom she wedded December 14, 2013. Having gone through a lot in her teenage years, she has the heart and passion for today’s youth and showing them that Christ’s way is the best way. She writes on her personal blog to encourage others and show just how faithful God is and is truly honored and humbled to be able to contribute to Married & Young. Although she went to Houston Baptist University on a track scholarship, she didn’t truly find Christ and develop a relationship with Him until her last semester before graduating with a BBA in Marketing. Having an entrepreneurial spirit and a passion for planning events, she is now opening her own Wedding and Event planning company and hopes to provide stress free planning and memories that will last a lifetime for her clients. As a newlywed, she enjoys spending time with her husband and experiencing new things with him.
Well, this article is probably going to be among the most controversial youʼve probably read on the subject of marriage and dating. There have been so many perspectives published about Christians and the process of dating and marriage. The point of view highlighted in this article is a sound theological foundation for why God should be extremely involved in the process all together and should involve more than “ I want Him or HER”
Over the years, several camps have established views about what should be an appropriate selection process for the Christian pursuing a relationship with the opposite sex. Some of it was scriptural, much of it was social and other parts of it was carnal. To balance it, some diluted the subject manner all together and took on the idea, that God or His opinion should be subject to the desire of the one pursuing the dating relationship. To the desperate or the half hearted, this article is going to annoy you, hopefully, into another level of submission to God. So, lets start to bring some clarity and resolve some dating controversies.
The major discussion over the years has been over wether or not there is only 1 person on the earth for each person. The terms we use to describe our feelings towards suitable candidates are “ I think he is the ONE” or This could be “IT”. This finality and sense of absoluteness is often the source of much trouble and irrational thinking about the subject all together,
The truth is, God is eternal and all knowing and DOES know who you will marry. The problem is, whether or not that person is HIS best for you. The common notion is, “If I choose him/her, then it has to be God because of my desire” and that is not true.
The other perspective of the discussion is What it really means to be unequally yoked. Is this referring to Salvation alone? Level of spirituality? Denomination or Experience?
These are some of the parameters that the pendulum swings. Here are some perspectives to consider while navigating through the confusion .
1. Dating and Marriage prospects is to the Christian, both a DECISION and a DISCOVERY.
If we use Godʼs original template for marriage (Adam and Eve) we see that God designed a mate suitable for adam. That is STILL the case. What complicates our discovery of the designed one, is that Adam and Eve were at that Juncture, the only two people alive, so the discovery of EVE was a a lot easier. Our world, however, is filled with billions of people making the discovery of the designed one more complex. However, to believe that God deviated, altered or changed His mind on the mate design is heretical.
Over the years, several camps have established views about what should be an appropriate selection process for the Christian pursuing a relationship with the opposite sex. Some of it was scriptural, much of it was social and other parts of it was carnal. To balance it, some diluted the subject manner all together and took on the idea, that God or His opinion should be subject to the desire of the one pursuing the dating relationship. To the desperate or the half hearted, this article is going to annoy you, hopefully, into another level of submission to God. So, lets start to bring some clarity and resolve some dating controversies.
The major discussion over the years has been over wether or not there is only 1 person on the earth for each person. The terms we use to describe our feelings towards suitable candidates are “ I think he is the ONE” or This could be “IT”. This finality and sense of absoluteness is often the source of much trouble and irrational thinking about the subject all together,
The truth is, God is eternal and all knowing and DOES know who you will marry. The problem is, whether or not that person is HIS best for you. The common notion is, “If I choose him/her, then it has to be God because of my desire” and that is not true.
The other perspective of the discussion is What it really means to be unequally yoked. Is this referring to Salvation alone? Level of spirituality? Denomination or Experience?
These are some of the parameters that the pendulum swings. Here are some perspectives to consider while navigating through the confusion .
1. Dating and Marriage prospects is to the Christian, both a DECISION and a DISCOVERY.
If we use Godʼs original template for marriage (Adam and Eve) we see that God designed a mate suitable for adam. That is STILL the case. What complicates our discovery of the designed one, is that Adam and Eve were at that Juncture, the only two people alive, so the discovery of EVE was a a lot easier. Our world, however, is filled with billions of people making the discovery of the designed one more complex. However, to believe that God deviated, altered or changed His mind on the mate design is heretical.
Genesis 2:18 “And the Lord God said..“I WILL MAKE HIM A HELPER…”
2. Because dating and marriage is a decision, itʼs factors can be dangerous if governed by the heart.
It is not profitable or honoring to God for a spirit filled believer to make a dating decision because of feelings that have developed. Some christians really believe God has to respect our selection in a mate and that is NOT biblical. What God honors is the institution of marriage between a man and a woman as a decision towards covenant. However before that point, there are parameters that the Bible gives believers to to follow. God never intending the dating or marriage process to be led by, influenced by or inflamed by “FEELINGS”. The heart feels a lot of things that don’t honor God. I have witnessed christians make horrible relationship decisions and often fall into cycles of sexual sin because of their ʻFEELINGSʼ for a person. The notion is, “If I have feelings for a person, then God must be involved in it”. This is so far from the truth. Often, when feelings govern the dating process, objective discernment is impossible. Why? Your heart, is NOT trustworthy!!! YES you read that right. Since the beginning of time, Mans attractions has led him into lethal situations. This is why boundaries, counsel and devotion to scriptures are needful before dating, because the heart will take every opportunity to lead a person astray through the easiest medium of romantic interest.
Jeremiah 17:9 “ The heart is DECEITFUL and desperately WICKED ABOVE ALL THINGS..”
There is nothing more deceitful, dishonest, misleading and catastrophic than the activity of the human heart. Therefore its the LAST voice you want to listen to, when pursuing a potential mate. It should be a decision heavily influenced by 1. The Word. 2. The Spirit. 3. The Intelligence. Some marriages just DONT make sense. Intelligence should be used in the process and timing of marriage planning.
2. Because dating and marriage is a decision, itʼs factors can be dangerous if governed by the heart.
It is not profitable or honoring to God for a spirit filled believer to make a dating decision because of feelings that have developed. Some christians really believe God has to respect our selection in a mate and that is NOT biblical. What God honors is the institution of marriage between a man and a woman as a decision towards covenant. However before that point, there are parameters that the Bible gives believers to to follow. God never intending the dating or marriage process to be led by, influenced by or inflamed by “FEELINGS”. The heart feels a lot of things that don’t honor God. I have witnessed christians make horrible relationship decisions and often fall into cycles of sexual sin because of their ʻFEELINGSʼ for a person. The notion is, “If I have feelings for a person, then God must be involved in it”. This is so far from the truth. Often, when feelings govern the dating process, objective discernment is impossible. Why? Your heart, is NOT trustworthy!!! YES you read that right. Since the beginning of time, Mans attractions has led him into lethal situations. This is why boundaries, counsel and devotion to scriptures are needful before dating, because the heart will take every opportunity to lead a person astray through the easiest medium of romantic interest.
Jeremiah 17:9 “ The heart is DECEITFUL and desperately WICKED ABOVE ALL THINGS..”
There is nothing more deceitful, dishonest, misleading and catastrophic than the activity of the human heart. Therefore its the LAST voice you want to listen to, when pursuing a potential mate. It should be a decision heavily influenced by 1. The Word. 2. The Spirit. 3. The Intelligence. Some marriages just DONT make sense. Intelligence should be used in the process and timing of marriage planning.
While doing some spring cleaning, I found this book that I read while I was single. I started reading it again to gain some insight to help me identify with single women. As I started going through the book, I realized it was blessing me all over again. It is mostly geared toward single women but there is a lot of wisdom for married women as well. I encourage you to buy this book, Lady in Waiting (Developing Your Love Relationships) by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall
I will be highlighting some chapters from this book in 4 consecutive posts.
Chapter 1-Lady of Reckless Abandonment
When Ruth followed Naomi, she was leaving everything that she knew behind. Ruth was a Moabite, and the Moabites came from Moab. Moab was the son of incest between Lot and his older daughter. His daughters deceitfully tricked their father to sleep with them so that they can preserve their bloodline. (Genesis 19: 34-37)The Moabites did not worship God they worshipped pagan gods. Ruth wanted to turn from the evil she learned as a Moab and from her kinsman and wanted to know the only true and living God, the God she learned about from Naomi. Do you have anything or anyone in your life that you need to leave behind?
“Whenever a single woman decides to abandon herself completely to Jesus, as Ruth did, she will find herself out of step with society and sometimes even with her friends.” (Lady in Waiting)
During my time being single, I had to evaluate some relationships (these were Christians) that were unhealthy for my single journey. If you have to defend your morals, decisions, or you feel spiritually unsafe when you are around certain people then it’s time separate or cut off the relationship completely. The people in your close circle should be those that respect you, build you up and encourage you.
Proverbs 17:17 (NLT) says that “A friend is always loyal,
and a brother is born to help in time of need.”
You should not feel defensive or like this friend does not have your best interest at heart. They also should be there for you in good times and during the hard times.
Red flag sayings would be, “it doesn’t take all that” or “you think you are holier than thou”. If you have anxiety and have to be “prayed up” before you hang out with them, then that is a good indication that you need to have a “friend-ectomy”. This may be permanent or temporary. I am still friends with some friends that I had to distance myself from. The ones that are still in my life now understand why I had to make this decision and they have since decided to allow Jesus to fully guide their life. The “friend-ectomy” will not only be a blessing to you, but to them. I at one time was one of those friends that was a bad influence. I was hurt that some of my friends distanced themselves or cut me off, but when I became born again I was thankful they did. I did not know I was doing wrong until they showed me. Their walk during the time of our friendship blessed me. I saw them take a stand for Jesus and I didn’t understand it then, but I did later. I now have some dear friends that I call my sisters. I can be myself with them and can count on them for anything. Now it’s time to for you to evaluate some relationships. Remember to always ask God how to approach the relationships and do what He tells you to do. The Holy Spirit will guide you during this procedure, it might be uncomfortable in the beginning but you both will be blessed in the end.
On behalf of Married and Young, I will be blessing someone with this book. In order to enter into the drawing you have to do two things:
- Follow Married and Young on Facebook
- Commented on at least one of the 4 posts of the Lady in Waiting Series on Married and Young
Growing up in the church I constantly heard about the virtuous woman, but I never heard about the virtuous man. I finally learned about it at a men’s conference. They referenced Psalm 112 to describe a virtuous man.
Praise the Lord! Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in his commandments! His offspring will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever. Light dawns in the darkness for the upright; he is gracious, merciful, and righteous. It is well with the man who deals generously and lends; who conducts his affairs with justice. For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries. He has distributed freely; he has given to the poor; his righteousness endures forever; his horn is exalted in honor. The wicked man sees it and is angry; he gnashes his teeth and melts away; the desire of the wicked will perish!
Let’s break down these scriptures and analyze what it is to be a Psalm 112 man.
- The Psalm 112 Man is Obedient
The Psalm 112 man loves God and displays His love by obeying Him. The Psalm 112 man is guided by God in everything he does.
- The Psalm 112 Man has a Strong Legacy
Because of his obedience, the Psalm 112 man has a strong legacy. The strong and lasting legacy that he has set is faith in God. Because of his faith in God his family is blessed by God for generations to come.
- The Psalm 112 Man is a Provider
God has blessed each and everyone one of us with gifts that are not designed only to give Him glory, but to help us in providing for our families. It is important that we know who God is so that He may show us who we are. Each and everyone of us is blessed so that we can be a blessing to our family and those around us.
- The Psalm 112 Man is Gracious, Merciful and Righteous
Because the Psalm 112 man is guided by God, he reflects the character of God. He is quick to listen and slow to anger. He recognizes the grace and mercy that God has extended to him and pays it forward. And like Abraham, his faith in God will be counted unto him as righteousness. For righteousness is the obedience of faith to God’s will.
- The Psalm 112 Man is Generous
As stated before the, Psalm 112 man provides for his family and those around him. According to 2 Corinthians 9:6, if we give sparingly, we will receive sparingly, but if we give generously, we will receive generously. This scripture is directly speaking about money, but this also applies to our time and talent as well. While money is good, money isn’t everything. We must also be willing to give of ourselves generously as well.
- The Psalm 112 Man Trusts in The Lord
My father told me that as a husband and a father I am the leader. He said that if I freak out, they (my wife and kids) will freak out. A Psalm 112 man believes the scripture 2 Timothy 1:7 which says:
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
The Psalm 112 man lives a life of power, love and a sound mind. When a situation seems bleak, the Psalm 112 man waits on God’s command and acts on that command. The Psalm 112 man trusts in God.
- The Psalm 112 Man will be Hated
Jesus obeyed God and they crucified Him. What makes you think you’ll be spared? Understand that when you follow God, not everyone will love you. You could discover the cure for cancer and someone will curse you for taking so long. Be obedient and unapologetically follow God. All that matters is that You hear, “well done My good and faithful servant” when you get to heaven.
I love reading Psalm 112, it helps me to understand who I am to be as a man. It isn’t a complete and exhaustive guide, but it does give me direction.
From the Desk of the Modern Day Cindi: Inspired by the vulnerability of my husband and the safety and trust he finds in me as his wife the following words change EVERYTHING!
“Laying in her lap conveying my fears and pain, trusting her with the most emotionally naked parts of me.”
Emotionally Naked………WOW! When I first read it, I was speechless, honored, and humbled. That one sentence, said so much with just a few words. What I inferred and what was implied is undoubtedly the key that unlocks so many doors in my heart, especially my ability to give to him- equally vulnerable, emotionally naked, and SUBMISSIVE.
Now it would be totally improper to discuss marriage and not quickly stroll down the valley of that highly misinterpreted, fearfully misunderstood and consistently misapplied subject of SUBMISSION. Submission has turned into a foul word. Wives are taught that they must do it and husbands are taught to expect it, neither of which are untrue or errant (Ephesians 5:22). However, some women have been berated with it which has fostered fear and disdain and some men have used it as a battle axe and possibly a guilt mechanism. The issue carries so much weight that many have ran from the potential of a healthy marriage because of this stigma.
Submission was ordained! It should be a pillar of, and a bridge to, fruitful marriages giving deference to the hierarchy within the covenant of husband and wife. In some instances, what was purposed to create a path to freedom and trust, has equaled emotional confinement; what was designed to build homes has unintentionally broken them; and what was created to belt out harmony under God, has now hit mute notes and fell on deaf ears. Oooh Submission! I would classify it as a hurdle-not an impossible feat- that requires strengthening, flexibility, training, fearlessness and trust in the process. Submission is not slavery nor should it leave anyone voiceless, but because so much has been given away prematurely before marriage and wagered in matters of the heart before covenant is entered, some, if not all of our ability to operate in faith and total obedience to God’s plan is stifled and even lost. So how can women reach peace in submission and how can men partner to support God’s plan? My answer: There has to be Equality in vulnerability e.g. emotional nakedness.
Many women say that they want to be loved so hard that it makes them submit, in other words the love is so apparent that the negative stigma of submission is neither present nor relevant.
In Ephesians 5:21-28 (The Message) Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.
22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing…25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty.
Submission should not be dreaded or hated… it should be welcomed as not a loss of control, but an opportunity that creates anew, it is not about bowing to a person but yielding control to the Lord as your leader. It is in this willing service, that your heart and mind are at peace which permits the barriers to vulnerability to come down allowing you to be “Emotionally Naked.”
Recently my wife and I celebrated 6 months of marriage! It feels like we were just honeymooning yesterday! We don’t have the marriage thing down completely, but we have learned a couple things. Here’s 6 of my favorites that I’ve learned in the first six months:
1. My wife is the best.
She really is. She’s my cheerleader, my partner, and best friend. She’s there when no one else is and thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. And we’ll leave it that way for now.
2. We don’t fight.
We really don’t. There’s nothing too big worth fighting for. I don’t demand anything be my-way-or-the-highway and Julie is the same way. If either of us find something worth fighting about, we stop and think, is this worth bringing up and ending in a possible quarrel? It’s probably not.
3. It isn’t 50/50 it’s 100/100.
I never look at Julie and say, “If I give this 50%, you have to give that 50%.” There is no giving only when the other one gives. I give no matter what she does. She gives no matter what I do. What happens when two people both give freely? Marriage ends up being 100/100. We freely give to each other, expecting nothing in return and no strings attached.
4. It’s a constant party.
There’s is NOTHING worth living in a constant pity party over! Life might deal you a tough hand of cards, but guess what? You still have cards. You could have none. There have been things that happened to me that I could be bitter over but it’s not worth it. Our marriage is a constant party that no one can crash!
5. Life is better together.
Single life was great. It really was. But marriage is even better. Yes, times will get tough, but I’d rather face it together than face it alone. I look at Julie as my helpmate, not my opposition. But most of the time, marriage is GREAT. So she’s there to party with me. TWO is better than ONE.
6. Marriage is easier than what people told me it would be.
Many people told me the things we’d fight over, the areas that would be tough, the challenges we would have to overcome. Honestly, we haven’t experienced them at all. Have they come up? Sure. But never have they been something we saw as a “challenge” or problem. Marriage is what you make of it, and we’ve made it great!
With much interest and recent attention being paid to the subject of dating, courting and marriage amongst Christians, I find that this heightened interest is bringing both good and bad to the overall discussion. Among the good, people are becoming more interested in honoring God through relationships, loving biblically and planning family. Some of the bad however is the attempts by many well meaning Christians to “Simplify” the subject and content all together.
While appealing to the common person, the attempt to simplify dating and marriage also brings to forefront certain inevitable expenses that most would regret while in the journey of matrimony. It’s quite comical that people think that you can simplify, reduce or approach a subject that involves the eternal joining of two very complex lives. To be clear, every human being on the planet , has their individual complexities. They have certain strengths, weaknesses, tendencies and perspectives that may be ironic, contradictory or even polar for some. The point is, no matter what contemporary spin we apply towards the ancient phenomena of marriage, it will always be a complex issue that should involve very deliberate and very careful processes that lead to its beginning and justify its right to be!
This writing is about what I believe to be a biblically accurate model for Dating and Marriage. Its truths are applicable to both those pursuing marriage and those already married. To begin, I want to apply some pressure to God’s ideas with the first marriage.
Genesis 2 : 18 NIV “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”
God’s idea, was that the Mate role and function, should be SUITABLE. To be suitable means to Fit, To Match, To Complete or To Compliment. When we consider those ideas, especially in a romantic scenario we often prioritize COMPATIBLITY over SUITABILITY. God clearly, is not interested in compability or things in common per se, as He is another persons life design and purpose, matching yours. For this reason, it is very important to be clear about what God has designed you to be and do, with detail, before you involve someone else in the ambiguity of your life.
Destiny, is a term that we use to describe God’s ideas, plans and highest goals for your existence. Destiny, is the reason you have a Birthday, Destiny is the reason why you constantly escape death. When we view our dating interests our spousal prospects through this lens, it really does refine our selection. Our eternal covenant with another human being has to go far beyond, “What’s your favorite color? or What do you like?” or merely “Are you available?” It should include, How does my life’s purpose coincide with or compliment or amplify yours? A suitable mate is not a simple find. A compatible one is. A simple ad on a website or a casual blind date, will supply you with a compatible prospect. But finding the right FIT for you purpose, is how you will guarantee (even with inevitable struggles and challenges) your FUTURE security.
As believers, God never wants us to meet an immediate need for companionship and compromise our FUTURE fulfillment. The answer to this is patience, wisdom and gainful insight about what God wants OUT of your life. Think to yourself, “What did God intend for my life to accomplish? The answer to that is the BEST matchmaker. If you’re a person that knows very little about your self, you may not be the right candidate to date at the moment. You cant realistically even articulate what you bring to the table. As you acquaint yourself with your lifes assignment, you will now have parameters for what you and your purpose NEEDS in a mate.
Think about it, God pulling a rib from Adam was a quick process, but was not “simple” to any degree. It was quite complex. Considering your life, value systems, passions, giftings, callings, potential and purpose, will prevent any spirit filled believer from a casual attitude on dating. To those serious about fulfilling God’s design, DESTINY is the core of the dating experiment. Loneliness, a need for company or age is not enough. We need God’s heart on who we’ve been called to be. That information will level the playing field, eliminate certain prospects and highlight those that are worth your effort.
Oh yea, to the married, get to know your SPOUSES purpose and devote energy to it. Many of you may be thinking “It doesn’t take all that” but In marriage, the highest covenant of two individual human beings, it takes ALL THAT and a little more. This will provide a more complete, fulfilling and powerful marriage. To know what God was thinking about your spouse when they were born, is one of the highest forms of intimacy you can have! Also, makes for a great sex life!
Let DESTINY do your dating!
In Him,
Dr. Matthew Stevenson