Tag: dating

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Dating/Courting Parenting

Dating and the Single Parent: 4 Ways to Date God's Way

Dark-skinned young couple sitting at restaurant: black man in glasses holding his girlfriend's hands, declaring his love to her or proposing on their anniversary day, both looking happy and cheerful

Being a single parent and dating can be a great experience when it is done God’s way. In my experience, I became a single mother at 22 and came to Christ at the age of 25. I learned very quickly the difference between the world of modern dating and dating God’s way. Growing in God helped me to understand that godly dating and courtship is the precursor to marriage with God as the foundation. I also wanted to give my daughter a godly image of dating so she would be anchored in God’s ways. Here’s what dating as a single parent taught me:

  1. Pursue God. God wants us to pursue Him. He desires that we not search for love or seek self-worth in the pursuit of a mate. Nothing compares to a man or woman who pursues God and shines God’s love and light from the inside out. Jeremiah 31:3 says that “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” This means that you are already loved, fearfully and wonderfully made, and accepted by God. You can rest assured that His love is enough.
  1. Wisdom is the Principal Thing. How many times have you dated only to realize later that he or she was wrong for you? As you date, ask God to give you wisdom and show you His perspective on your relationship daily to make quality decisions. You can trust God to lead and protect you because He wants the absolute best for you (Proverbs 3:5-6). Once He shows you His perspective, follow His guidance. Having a Christ-centered perspective is important because our decisions are based on how we see things. Seeing your relationship from God’s vantage point will help you avoid unnecessary issues. After all, God’s goal for dating is for marriage and family. Wisdom and discernment will help you understand if you and your potential date have similar values and if children will be blessed by being a blended family.
  1. Have Patience. The world’s perspective on dating symbolizes a rush mentality. As Christians, God’s timing is always best because rushing into a relationship will produce half-baked results (Philippians 4:6). When dating, I learned that it was ok to relax and wait to be pursued by my mate (who is now my husband!), keeping God in the center of our relationship and lives. Understanding your motivations for dating will prevent you from jumping in and out of dating relationships. You want to make sure that the person that you date has good moral character (encourages and challenges you to walk closer with God, submissive to God, humble, self-controlled, and demonstrates good parenting behaviors).
  1. Set boundaries. I introduced my daughter to my mate (now my husband) slowly after dating 3 months because I wanted to make sure he was an ideal future husband and a safe influence for her. I limited the number of dates per week and even set a curfew for our dates to prevent compromising situations. It was important to follow biblical standards to show my daughter (who was then 7) how to responsibly date the godly way.

Dating as a single parent can be an awesome learning experience with God. Take time to enjoy and trust God as He leads your life, and have fun dating God’s way!
 

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Single Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways Marriage Mentors Can Change Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do"

parents meeting girlfriend of their son at home

When I went to Christ for the Nations Institute, a Bible college based in Dallas, Texas, we heard a lot about mentors, or spiritual parents. One amazing man shared about a time that his spiritual father rebuked him for the way he spoke sharply to his exhausted, pregnant wife. I personally longed for a man of God to be a father to me as I answered the pastoral call on my life.
Mentoring is essentially discipleship.
Mentors serve so many purposes in our lives. Some may be there for life, other times a mentor is there for a specific reason or season. Whatever the purpose or length of time may be, mentors have forever changed our marriage by investing in us.
Once, in Bible college an older couple pulled Sarah and I aside and told us that they believed they had heard from the Lord about us. They then began to unpack half an hour’s worth of encouragement and prophetic words that helped pave the way for where we are heading, even today!
One of the most powerful times a couple mentored us was when we were preparing for our time on the mission field. We spent a week with this couple as they worked with us in experiencing areas of healing from old wounds, hearing God’s voice, and re-committing to ourselves to one another.
The Gifts Mentors Give
Mentors in any season are truly a gift from God, but as a dating couple, these mentors can be indispensable.
Here are three ways marriage mentors can produce life in your marriage before you’re married.
 
1.  They’ve been where you’re going. Mentors have experienced what you have or will experience, and they can help you avoid mistakes they made. One day, when my wife and I were “in talks” to have a relationship, we had a big fight. I stormed off and walked three miles to the house of an older couple that we knew and loved. When I told this couple about our fight, the husband, Bill, told me, “Daniel, I don’t know what to tell you. But Carlene and I have had our ‘spats’ too, and when we do, I talk to Jesus. Now, there’s a quiet room in the back. Go back there, pray, and listen. That’s what I do when we fight.” Funny. While he claimed to not have the answers, he gave me the answer. To this day, if Sarah and I have disagreements, I don’t go to people, I go to Christ. What a legacy this man left for me!
 2.  They can see what you can’t. Mentors have the privilege of objectivity. Mentors can look at your relationship without any bias. They can direct you when you’re lost, correct you when you’re wrong, and inspect you when you’re confused.
 3.  They give you something to strive for. Sarah and I have had some marriage mentors for life, and some for short seasons. No matter how long we have them pouring life into our marriage, we see a portrait of a beautiful marriage that we long to resemble, some day. These Godly men have modeled gentleness and delight toward their wives in front of me. These gracious wives have modeled patience and faith toward their husbands in front of my wife.
Because of the examples of Godly mentors in our dating season, we had a goal to aim for.
Oh, that we would distance ourselves from the selfie-obsession of our generation! May we learn to value the priceless treasures of wisdom found in others! Trust me: you do have more to learn.
Do you and your significant have marriage mentors?

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

The Number One Thing EVERY Single Should Know Before Dating!

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

Preparing for the dating scene can be quite a tedious process. Exciting, but tedious. As women, we do our best to make sure we’re in a position to be found, while most men do their best to make sure they are in a position to date or court. Many attend conferences and seminars to make sure they’re fully prepared for the dating/courting process. While all of this is necessary, in my experience there’s one thing that has the potential gets lost in the process…YOU.
“What do you like in a woman?” That’s the first question I asked every guy I dated, with my pen paper in hand. Dating three young men at the same time became WAY too much for me, as they all liked different attributes in a woman. Doing my best to be the woman each of them desired became overwhelming! One weekend I was an outspoken girl who didn’t mind going to the club (totally not me), the next week I was extremely reserved and quiet (also not me), and the other week I was made to feel inferior and uneducated (also, not me).
During the initial phase of the dating process, I was so consumed with being the perfect girl for the gentleman who captured my attention; I forgot to be who God created me to be. I wasn’t the fun, silly, dress up and dress down and lover of laughter and stimulating conversations girl I was around my friends! During the dating process, I became three different people and Shannon Cheri Colar, part time.
So what should every single know? EVERY SINGLE SHOULD KNOW WHO THEY ARE! Again, the dating process has the potential to be extremely exciting, but at what cost? Understand, God created you with your destiny in mind, what human is worth altering that? No one. While dating, keep in mind there is someone, if not someone(s), who will love you just the way you are!
With knowledge that I lost myself in the dating process, I decided to STOP dating all together, remind myself who I was, and allow HIM to find me “being me”. It wasn’t until I started “being me” that someone who loved me for me found me!
My encouragement to every single person is to fall in love with “you” before inviting anyone else to. If you’re not enough for the individual during the dating process, you’ll never be enough, not in courtship, not in marriage. You know the old saying “Go where you’re celebrated, and not tolerated”.
XOXO,
Shannon C Colar

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Poisons That Don't Belong in Relationships

356727

Throughout life, it’s inevitable that our hearts and minds will take beatings in ways that can potentially have a negative effect on our view of ourselves and others. The problem is, when we allow those negative thoughts to reign over the reality of who God says we are, they can cause some serious damage in our relationships.
In order to maintain a thriving relationship – whether it’s a friendship, a relationship, marriage, or with a family member – I believe it’s incredibly important to recognize when you’ve allowed these ‘poisons’ into your life, and then get rid of them!
Here are five poisons that I have observed:

  1. Insecurities: Insecurities are incredibly easy to pick up. The truth is, an insecurity represents an area of your life that is not under the authority of God. Acknowledging insecurities that you carry is a good start to getting rid of them.  Then it’s important to pursue what God says about it, and let Him have the final say.
  2. Comparisons: The problem with comparisons is that they will never end once you start! Someone will always be more ____[fill-in-the-blank] than you. But there will never be anyone who has the exact combination of gifts, personality, appearance, history, and desires as you do! The world can’t have another human being exactly just like you, so why deprive them? Figure out what makes you unique and celebrate those qualities, instead of wishing you were like someone else. Otherwise, it is an open door for jealousy, shame and self-deprecation – all of which can wreak havoc on your relationships because you will only be able to love the other person according to how much you love yourself.
  3. Negative assumptions: Assuming the worst in someone will likely bring the worst out of them. Of course people are going to let you down. Of course people are going to fail. But if you continually expect the worst to happen you may create some false truths about the other, along with missing a lot of good that may be going on! In general, assuming the best has a way of raising the other to a higher standard, along with freeing yourself from worry, anxiety, frustration, etc.
  4. Fear: Fear causes us to make decisions that may not be rooted in wisdom or love. This can put a huge strain on relationships, especially when the other isn’t aware of fears you may struggle with. It’s important to keep your motivation in check. Ask yourself why you are making a decision. Are you afraid of what could happen if you don’t? Or is it because you are certain it is right for the circumstances you’re in?
  5. Lack of Vulnerability: It is impossible to deeply connect with another person if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Not expressing feelings or opening up can only last so long until it creates a tension in a relationship. Being vulnerable may be scary at times, but has a way of developing a safe place which in turn allows a relationship to progress. Without progression, relationships tend to just go backward or fall apart.Above all, relationships take work and being intentional! The more proactive you can be about not allowing these ‘poisons’ in your relationships, the more life-giving they will be.

Categories
Dating/Courting

3 Things Not to Do on a Double Date

holidays, vacation, love and friendship concept - smiling couple having fun in city

It was early on into our dating relationship.
Scene set: Friday night, dinner and game night – a few rounds of Taboo at my house that suddenly went south.
As we had not experienced many double dates up to this point, we both unknowingly seized the opportunity to rally the support of the other couple to each other’s side regarding recent disagreements. Fortunately, we were able to recognize our actions and redirect the conversation to save a fun night with friends.
Here are some guidelines of things NOT to do when you begin double dating with other couples:
1. Spend the whole time on your phone
This should go without say – date or not – but chances are, you are looking for some human interaction that both you and your significant other can enjoy. Leave the virtual reality for a later time on your own.
2.  Over display your physical and emotional affections for your significant other.
If your touches make others around you feel uncomfortable, save it for later! Be mindful of your physical exchanges while in the company of others and how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. We get that you love each other, just don’t overdo it in public.
3. Use this time as a battle ground to prove who was right.
Don’t allow this to be a time to bring up past arguments in an attempt to rally more troops on your side. Remember what this night is about and don’t waste time airing out dirty laundry over past disagreements.
 
Have you experienced any double date night horrors?
How did you and your significant other save the day [or you didn’t]?

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

Is the Proverbs 31 Woman Even Real?

The first few times I read through Proverbs 31 were not intentional. Most of my understanding of her came from others. When I finally decided to intentionally look into this woman – I quickly closed my bible and said, “Umm yea, this woman is not real, I can’t relate.” Why? Well for one, I don’t like to cook or clean, I appreciate my sleep, I don’t know how to sew (takes me 30 minutes just to get the thread in the needle head), and at that time in my life, I was working and in school full-time (do people still farm? – don’t judge me I’m a city girl). I just didn’t have a connection with or understanding of this infamous woman.
Fast forward a few years; I found myself married with a beautiful baby girl. I always had a desire to support my home and serve my husband and children but when it came time to doing it, let’s just say a girl struggled just a little bit in a few areas. My attitude about it all wasn’t always the best either. To make matters worse, my areas of struggle were directly related to my husband’s #1 love language, acts of service.
Ugh! The reality of being a Proverbs 31 woman just didn’t seem realistic or appealing. So what I did is what I always do when I face challenges in life, go to my papa – God!  
After years of skipping and glazing over chapter 31 of the book of Proverbs. I finally decided to not just read but study the chapter with intention and purpose. What I discovered was amazing and within a day’s time, my heart, attitude and perspective of this woman changed. I’m delighted to be able to share my revelation with you on who the Proverbs 31 (P31) woman really is.
1. She’s not a real woman: What? Yea, seriously. I used to think she was a real woman just nameless like the Woman at the Well. However, the P31 woman was a description of a woman, King Lemuel’s mother gave to teach him as a young boy the qualities to look for in a wife. This truth freed me of comparison. Every quality I struggled with didn’t make me less than, now I just saw them as areas I had the opportunity to grow in.
2.  She was actually single: Think about it. King Lemuel’s mother was actually referring to single women since these were qualities she encouraged her son to look for in a future wife. Sooooo…. that means becoming a proverbs 31 woman starts while single not when you say “I do.” (Oops… I sorta missed that memo but I’m getting it together now). I find that many single women view the P31 woman as something they become in the future if/when they get married and have children but nope, this is for the now preparing for later.
 3. She’s a Queen: The description of the P31 woman wasn’t just about any ol’ housewife who wore an apron all day. She was royalty! We’re talking about the wife-to-be of a king, remember? She’s a Queeeen! (She’s Your Queeeeen lyrics from Coming to America just popped in my head. Ha!). She was helping her king run a kingdom. A Queen knows her position, value and authority in her kingdom.
4.  She’s a BOSS:   This point is my favorite! The P31 woman loved God and her family but she was also about her business literally. For whatever reason, she is typically coined as a wife and mother who domestically serves her home and family, but after categorizing each verse her qualities are equally divided.  1/3 of her qualities were about her soul and her relationship with God, another 1/3 focused on her domestic abilities to manage and support her home and family, and the final third showed that she was business-wise and entrepreneurial. This woman didn’t just sit at home cooking and cleaning all day. Nope! She was also using her gifts, talents and expertise to bring in income for her family. However, she was balanced and prioritized while doing it all. I was excited to see the importance of this quality in her life. I’m all about pursuing purpose and using our gifts as women.
As cliché as the Proverbs 31 woman might be to some, she is truly a woman I strive to be. A woman of God who fully understands her worth and value, happily married, with successful relationships with her husband, children and community but yet a wise and a bomb business woman.

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

The Superpower Every Man Needs From Their Woman

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

“The Lord God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” Genesis 2:18

Did you know God created women with superpowers? Well, he did. When God created us, he gave us special capabilities to HELP the men in our life progress….and on the flip side, regress!

When I think of a “helper”, I think of someone willing to do what it takes to ensure the goal is met. Someone who is encouraging, speaks positively, and uplifts the one he/she is helping.  The problem is, women are often associated with the terms “nagging” and “complaining” (in our defense, some of us are just stating what we see). Anywho, my point is God equipped us to assist our loved ones (males specifically) across their finish line(s). Problem is, some of us are killing them, their hopes, and dreams before they can reach them.
Proverbs 21:19 “ Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”. Why would it be better for a man to live in a desert, rather than with his helpmate, who nags occasionally?  Question…Have you ever tried to work on something and a fly KEPT buzzing around you? How distracting did it become? How much more would you have been able to accomplish had the fly NOT been around.

The same goes for being a helpmate. Men need encouragement! Though they may never express it, they too struggle with insecurities, fears, possibilities and disappointments. To have someone constantly remind you of your shortcomings and failures has a way of killing what little hope was left.

Instead, I challenge those who are in relationships (married or courting) to use your superpowers for good, not evil! Lift the men in your life up, encourage them, remind them of the king that lives within, and watch their drive and motivation kick in! In my experience, men are most concerned with the opinion of those closest to them.
Ladies, with our words alone we have the power to EMPOWER, INSPIRE, PUSH and MOTIVATE our men to be EVERYTHING GOD CALLED THEM TO BE! There’s only one problem, many of us have grown accustom to sharing their flaws, killing their self-esteem and making them feel invaluable, which has the power to hinder them from completing the task they were ultimately sent here to complete.
These last few weeks have been eye opening to me. I’ve learned, the right amount of listening, encouraging, motivating and praying goes much further than my nagging!

Be encouraged.

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

5 Benefits of Marrying Your Best Friend

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

As many guy best friends often get stuck in the “friend zone,” here are some points to consider on why your best friend may just be the perfect spouse in the making.
 

  1. You enjoy the same things.

Chances are if he is your best friend, you probably have a few things in common – whether that’s hiking, reading books, your passion for working out, ministry, etc. You probably share common interests that make you enjoy this person’s company. Knowing you like the same things can only help to guarantee that you will always have fun!
 

  1.  They know you better than you know yourself.

 
Although this may not be entirely true, your best friend has the ability to recognize things about you that you may not see for yourself, constantly encouraging you to be the best version of YOU! With marriage being a super friendship, having a partner that supports you and loves you unconditionally for who you are will go a long way.
 

  1. What you see is what you get – as in, you know what you are getting into.

When a relationship starts after a friendship, it is likely that you have seen this person at their highest and lowest, through their ups and downs. Starting with a friendship allows you to see how this person will react in different situations because they are not trying to impress you, but are merely being themselves. Friendship allows you to see an individual in their most natural form, before feelings enter and potentially blur judgments or cloud perspective.
 

  1. You share the same morals, values, and beliefs.

Although I don’t think any two people may ever be 100% on the same page, sharing your life with someone that has the same ideology as you will have positive effects on your relationship. It allows you to connect on a deeper level, and ensure the foundation of your own family would be raised up on those same values that are important to you.
 

  1. When the feelings fade, you still like each other.

Feelings are a funny thing – they come and go, but true love is deeper than a feeling. A relationship built on friendship instills a greater, more firm foundation rather than one built on something that is fleeting. You realize you enjoy being around this person because you like who they are as a whole, not just for their looks or something superficial. Aside from feelings, friendship may also carry a deeper sense of trust and loyalty. Often best friends have gone through many seasons with you, and to remain by your side through it all, may give just a glimpse of how your love could stand the test of time.
 
I hope this challenges you to revisit your original thoughts on a friendship you may have. Who knows, your future husband could be that friend you swore you would never date as my husband once said about me.  
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Five Things I Would Tell My Teenage Self About Marriage

This is a little embarrassing for me to admit, but hey, I’m feeling pretty generous today: most of what I learned about romance, I learned from Saved by the Bell. Zack Morris, the smooth-talking, charismatic, “blonde Tom Cruise” protagonist had that effect on lots of men-in-training in the late 80’s to mid 90’s.
As a burgeoning teen in late 90’s, I started to see that reality truly is stranger than fiction. Zack Morris’ charm only had the support and pull of teenagers everywhere because his style was scripted to work. For the rest of us, we allow God to write our story.
My “Zack Morris Worldview” changed me. As I’ve drawn closer to the Lord and come to know the power of grace, and a transformed mind, I’ve learned that there is so much more than a silver tongue: character.
If I could go back in time and walk the halls of my middle school, watching my insecure self attempt to be suave and fit in, I would look him in the eye, place my hand on my shoulder, and say, “Don’t settle for the fool’s gold, Daniel, wait for the treasure trove!”
Here’s what else I would tell him…er, me:
1.  “Promiscuity isn’t cool.” By God’s grace, I saved myself for my wife, but my friends and fellow classmates sure didn’t make it easy. We validated one another by how many people we made out with, how many girls were interested and how far we pushed the boundaries. Teenage Daniel, you don’t need “practice.” The more you save for your beautiful  wife in the future, the better. In fact, King Solomon tells young men to run from the promiscuous woman. (Proverbs 5)
2. ‘Waiting for the one’ is cool. God’s standards of “cool” are way different than the world’s. I waited for my wife. I gave my heart and body to her, by God’s grace. I would never want to shame someone who didn’t know any better, that’s not the point. God can absolutely restore what you gave away when you were blind. The point is that we can so easily plug ourselves into the wrong ideology. You can give yourself away in more ways than just physically.
3. It’s not as hard as cynical people want you to believe. Teenage Daniel had a lot of voices speaking in deafening roars about how hard it is to find love, about the sobering-yet-mythical 50/50 divorce rate. They experienced pain, but I did, too. Who do you bring your brokenness to? I’m so glad that I chose to bring mine to Jesus, so He could heal me. He brought Sarah to me and my anger had cooled; my heart softened.
4. It is hard. Zack Morris had misled me to believe that the right amount of gel, charisma, and sex appeal would get me through the hard stuff. Nope. Relationships require grit and determination. To do things the right way, God’s way, is an arduous, costly, but worthwhile process of growth and maturity.
5. ‘Happily ever after’ isn’t a passive event, it’s a lifelong process that you fight for. Fairy tales are a fun idea, but you don’t get “happily ever after” by osmosis. You get it by loving one another through flaws, challenges, and mistakes, and by celebrating the uniqueness that God has deposited into each one of you.
Relationships are funny little tools that the Lord uses to sharpen and define us, but they also bring so much beauty and depth to our lives when Jesus is the Center. Teenage Daniel, hold on tight: your bride is coming and she’s more than worth the wait!

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

How Grief Affects Your Relationships

by Raven Evans
Unbeknownst to many folk, grief is the common factor in most relationship issues that couples face on a regular basis. However, grief has a silver lining. God created grief with good intentions; he wanted us to feel it and overcome it. The problem with this unbearable sadness is that many stay stuck on the wrong side of it, never healing from the initial effects.
 
Grief is our natural reaction to loss and as humans, loss is inevitable. It starts when we leave the birth canal and enter into a world of unfamiliarity; the environment around us is no longer the comfortable womb that we have been in for the past nine months. We must now adapt to new sounds, voices, images, feelings, and surroundings. All humans go through this process and it is not an uncommon experience; even as infants, we grieve over our losses. Grief encourages us to understand and overcome our emotions in a healthy way by helping us adjust to the constant changes in environment, which life always brings; it helps us to evolve as God intended.
Most of us are not still upset over what happened at birth, but we are still grieving over our traumatic childhood experiences, especially when it comes to how we interact with others. These past events are affecting our ability to have healthy and stable relationships in the present. The seeds of rejection, disappointment, and negative emotions, which are often planted in childhood, come to fruition during our adult life. These seeds lead to insecurity, instability, and emotional distress during our daily lives.
You are probably still grieving over each failed relationship from your early days and the pattern that has emerged in your daily interactions is a byproduct of that grief. You may be finding it difficult to have lasting romantic relationships. Your soul is still comparing your previous relationships to your current one or the one that you are actively pursuing. Therefore, you may be experiencing subconscious feelings of being dropped or rejected, feelings of panic, and fears of being heartbroken. These negative expectations cause you to react poorly, which in turn will hinder your ability to have a healthy and fruitful relationship.
You may find yourself wondering where your downfall began. Was it the childhood boyfriend or girlfriend that moved away for good? Was it a really bad break up from the “puppy love” you fell in during junior high? You need to process these feelings in your adult life no matter how minor they may seem to your current state of mind.

  • Open your journal and begin writing your feelings, reliving your past moments, and letting yourself experience the situation one more time.
  • Look for patterns in your failed relationships.
  • Think about how you felt when they left you, disappointed you, or broke up with you.

What did you do about those feelings? Did you ever work through them or did you just forget them, push them aside, and move on to the next relationship?
When you don’t deal with the emotions attached to each situation, you allow toxicities to take over your soul. 
After writing it out, ask God for help to heal the broken areas of your heart. Ask God to fix the wound that grief has left upon your soul. It is not going to be easy reliving your past experiences, but it will be highly beneficial to the health of your current or future relationships. Unhealed grief can cause further trauma in your life. Don’t miss out on a beautiful relationship that God wants to bless you with by keeping grief alive in your heart! Ask Him for help and you will recover!