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The Problem With Situationships
You’re seeing this person, you’re not in a relationship, but you do relationship things. Your heart is attached, but there is no commitment. You dream of a future but they constantly remind you, there is none. WHY, oh Why do you do this to yourself?
As for me, my situationship brought forth comfort. If I couldn’t be in a relationship, why not be in a pretend relationship? Why not get a free meal, free cuddle time, and enjoy the company of another. It was harmless, or so I thought. It wasn’t until my heart was fully invested that I realized the harm this “situationship” was about to present. What started as lots of fun, ended in tears and heartache.
I thought I could eventually win his heart, making him love me the way I loved him. That was, until he made it extremely clear that he would leave me if his dream girl crossed his path. I wish someone had shared with me the one simple, yet HUGE, problem with “situationships”.
So, what’s the problem? Truth be told, “situationships” are mirages, they are counterfeit experiences and will ultimately cause more problems! It’s presented as the ultimate prize, when it’s intrinsic value doesn’t even come close!
I’ll never forget being in a service and the preacher said, the enemy waits for an opportune time, just like he did Jesus. Remember after Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, the devil attempted to present Jesus with what appeared to be all of earth’s kingdoms. In exchange, all he had to do was bow down to the devil. Of course Jesus sent him on his way.
Unlike Jesus, those of us who find ourselves in “situationships” give in to the temptation. We’ll settle for what’s being offered to us, with no consideration of the future. Though Jesus was tempted, he stayed the course, resulting in him fulfilling his purpose and being worshiped by all nations, (psalms 66:4); the very thing the enemy promised. Truth is, the enemy knows our future and does his best to hinder us from reaching it. He knew who Jesus would be to all the earth and TRIED to deter him from it. Yep he tried it, and if he tried it with Jesus, he’ll try it with you!
Don’t give up the real for the mirage aka a “situationship”. Your future and those attached to your obedience depends on your ability to move beyond what the enemy presents. Be encouraged, and remember nothing fake can ever produce anything real. Wait on the real deal! Know if you are being presented with the mirage, the real thing MUST BE AMAZING and then some!!!!!
Men, here are 5 types of women you should pay close attention to when entertaining potential relationships:
- Ms. Please Come & Save Me: She is unstable in all her ways and has difficulty finishing tasks.She can’t finish school, can’t keep a job and can’t keep good friends. She lacks identity and is completely unaware of her purpose in life. She is looking for a superhero to come and save her from her misery. She is a complete liability to you.
- Ms. Can You Pay My Bills: She is not interested in building with you and her main concern is whether or not you can pay her bills. She could care less about you being committed to her. In fact, she would rather deal with men who are married or taken to ensure her streams of income from various men remain in tact. She is willing to give you her body, a little bit of her time but nothing more. Her only goal is to hit the jackpot by finding a man who will take care of her financially. She is a financial liability.
- Ms. Can You Fill The Void of My Daddy: She is deeply wounded and rejected. She looks for love and affirmation from whoever will give her attention. She seeks men to fill the void of her absentee father and won’t relent until she does so. She will latch on to a man quickly and hold on to him, no matter how badly he treats her. She is willing to accept the liar, the cheater, the user and abuser all for the sake of filling her void. She seeks love but is unable to reciprocate it because of her dysfunctional concept and lack of understanding of true love. She is a emotional liability.
- Ms. Independent: Ms. Independent has her own house, car, good job, degrees and she really doesn’t need you. As a matter of a fact she only wants you to add to her list of achievements and she see you as an accomplishment she needs to obtain for people to see. She’s selfish, controlling and wants things her way. She is close friends with Ms. Jezebel and will use your weakness against you. After all, she believes you are the one who needs her. She will find you and attempt to mold you into HER perfect image. She has a deep dark secret that she is hiding. On the outside she seems like the perfect catch, however on the inside she is a broken little girl who seeks materialistic things and accomplishments to validate who she is. She is also rejected, bitter and doesn’t like herself very much. She lives to prove herself to those who overlooked and rejected her in the past. She does not have the ability to follow you. She is a spiritual and mental liability to you.
- Ms. Good Thing: She is not in need of saving. She has come into her own and knows her true identity outside of you. However, she understands her purpose with you. She has learned discipline and submission. Although she is a great leader, she knows how to follow you. She is an asset to you instead of a liability. She compliments your life well and is your greatest cheerleader. She is not lazy and she knows how to multiply your money. She knows how to function without you but she values your addition to her life. She does not talk down to you like a child and she respects you as her head. She trusts you and she does not use your mistakes or flaws against you. …instead, she helps you to improve them. She is always willing to fight by your side and for you. She has found resolve with her past and has learned to be a forgiver and a life carrier. Her words are used to speak life into you and at your worst, she is still able to see the best in you. She is not perfect but she strives to become better every day. She is not a liability…she is your helpmeet.
Men, you don’t have to settle for girls in women’s bodies who are incapable of filling the role of your helper. You don’t have to buy her love and affections. God desires to send you a Proverbs 31 woman who can add to your life and follow you as her head. My prayer for you is that you not be blinded by her curves, but will be able to see the true condition of her heart, mind, soul and spirit. Proverbs 18:22 says “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (NIV). This proverb can’t manifest in your life if you continue to choose women who make great arm trophies, but lack the essential qualities of a wife. Trust God and he will not only send you the woman you desire, but also the wife you need! Be encouraged men of God!
by Kay King
We’ve all been there, you finally find someone and then POOF! something changes.
You’re calling, texting and stalking his social media pages and all you get are half way replies. He barely calls you back and he’s stopped responding to you altogether on social media. You start doing drive byes just to see if he’s home. You call up your girl and she says those dreadful words that no girl wants to hear, He’s Just Not That Into You.
You’re left wondering, why not. All of a sudden those 6 little words cause your emotions to erupt and you suddenly turn into Angela Basset from Waiting to Exhale in her famous scene no one can forget.
So what is it? Why is it that, as single women, we keep choosing the wrong guys? Is it because we desire the one so bad that we ignore the signs?
During my last “He’s not that Into You Moment” I stopped crying long enough to analyze the situation. Here’s what I noticed:
- Communication!You go from talking daily: by phone, by text, sending each other cute messages on social media to a few texts per day, a couple phone calls per week and social media basically becomes non-existent. I didn’t see it then but all the “I’m sleepy”, “I’m busy”, “Oh, I didn’t hear my phone” was actually his way of saying “I’ve moved on”. These type of guys usually try to avoid contact with you so that they don’t have to have that dreadful conversation.
- Commitment!Now you would think it would be easy to spot the ones with commitment issues, but oh no, for some reason we think we will be the exception. I can remember this one guy I would talk to and he would always tell me that he wanted to get married… eventually. Whenever I would talk about commitment and being in a relationship, he would always bring up his past relationships and how they went wrong and now he’s taking his time. Key word: I’m unavailable, however as women we see that as a green light to continue to pursue. Listen ladies, if it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that men know exactly what they want and when they want it. So no matter how many cookies you bake, or how many times you have sleeps overs, you won’t change him. Move on!
- Friend Zone!Now Ladies, I know this is what we usually do to men when we aren’t interested, but did you know they do the same thing to us? I know, how dare they! These type of guys always look at you as one of the guys. You talk on the phone, you hang out but he never really fixes himself up and he asks you for advice about other girls he’s interested in. He flirts with other girls in your presence and overly uses the word friend with you. Do not fall for him! He’s not interested in you in that way. He thinks you’re a great friend, he appreciates your honesty and your willingness to be the wing man but he does not look at you as anything more. Don’t get caught up because when you’re falling for this type of man, you neglect to see the men who are really trying to pursue you.
Biggest RED flag: He doesn’t ask you out and he doesn’t take an interest in you or anything you do.
Ladies, you don’t want a man that’s not into you, not when God has created someone just for you. Falling for these types of guys will only delay your happiness.
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I can’t recall hearing anybody ever say, “I love to be rejected!” Rightfully so. Rejection is extremely painful and can challenge one’s identity and confidence like nothing else. But the reality is, it is nearly impossible to live a life without experiencing some sort of rejection. Instead of being fearful of rejection, I think it’s important that we learn how to deal with it in a way that is life-giving.
In no way do I mean to come off as flippant about rejection, because I know the heartache and destruction it can cause. But when it comes to dating relationships, I’ve learned a few things about handling rejection. Here are some thoughts on how rejection can be used for good.
- It can cause you to be introspective. Introspection can be incredibly beneficial in becoming who we are created to be. While in a relationship, it is much easier to focus on the other person or the relationship itself rather than ourselves, and we may miss an area in our life that needs attention.
- It frees up time to invest into other relationships. It may be completely unintentional, but it’s very easy to neglect other important relationships while dating someone. Pouring into the people in your life seems to have a way of healing brokenness.
- It positions us to draw closer to God. We really have two choices when it comes to rejection: pull away from God or draw closer. If we viewed rejection as an invitation to draw closer to the Lord, I think we would not only experience restoration, but we would gain insight into how He wants to use it for good.
- You realize that you can survive rejection. I think we sometimes fear rejection because we think it will destroy us. After you live through rejection – and remain standing – it seems to become less and less scary. This can have an impact on how we interact with others as well. The less we fear being rejected, the more we are able to be vulnerable and open.
- It pushes you to pursue other passions. I can honestly say that I would not have pursued some passion in my life had it not been for a relationship ending. Rejection can motivate us to find what makes us come alive and go after it during the process of healing.
- It means you are one step closer to finding ‘the one.’ There can be tension during dating as each person is trying to figure out if the other is someone he/she can commit to long-term. If rejected, it eliminates any wonder or confusion about whether or not the relationship is right. Sorting your way through the wrong ones leads to the right one!
While rejection can cause a lot of pain, it doesn’t have to destroy you! If you are dealing with rejection, it’s important to remain grounded in who the Lord says you are. His word always trumps any negative voice in our lives!
I am so proud of you. I don’t care about your past or even your last night, I simply care about your tomorrow. Abstaining from sex until marriage is one of the best ways to guard your heart and mind from attaching to someone before its appropriate time.
A man can put a condom on to protect you from an STD or pregnancy, but there is nothing to protect your heart, which is just as important.
If this is your desire for your dating relationship then there are 3 people you must have to assist you in this amazing goal. You can’t believe the hype that you can do this alone.
- An Agreeing Partner
Yes, your partner is the first most important person that must be on board with abstaining from sex until marriage. People always ask us when is it a good time to let a potential person know that you are desiring to wait until marriage to have sex. We tell them as soon as things are beginning to turn serious or once there has been a communicated intention of progressing towards a committed relationship. If that person doesn’t also share the same desire then you may want to reconsider moving forward. Abstaining from sex is a core value that must be agreed by both parties. If only one person agrees and the other person doesn’t, you will not be able to have a healthy dating relationship because the other person will just be waiting until you give in on that one special night.
2. An Inspiring Mentor
A mentor is someone that is NOT your friend. A friend is peer-level, but a mentor is someone you look up to. This could be an older married couple or someone from your church that has the ability and desire to see you make it to the altar without giving into the desire to have sex. A mentor is someone that agrees with you and your partner’s goal and will be consistent to check in with you throughout your dating process. To acquire someone like this is just a simple ask.
- A Strong Friend
This is the 2nd most important person that will give you the encouragement you need to stay strong during your season of dating to not give into the temptation to have sex. A strong friend is one that is not going to waver and will continue to keep you accountable for every action you make. They will not be easy on you and you must allow them access into every detail in order for this relationship to work to its full capacity. If you do fall short or come close to falling then this person will encourage you but also discuss the situation to see how to prevent it from happening again. You need a strong friend.
My wife and I were able to abstain from sex our entire dating process and it was one of the best decisions we made. We both had these 3 types of people in our lives that were able to walk with us to ensure we didn’t give into the temptation to awaken love before we said, “I Do” to one another. You can do it too. No matter where you find yourself right now. It’s okay to start over today and make that commitment to God and yourself. I promise it will be worth it.
This question is very solid and whether you are currently engaged, dating, or single the answer to this question will help you tremendously for when it is time to cross this bridge.Time is a very important commodity not only in relationship, but also in life in general. It is through time that things have the opportunity to mature, develop, and evolve granting the ability to make sound decisions.
Even God understands the power of time and seasons. We find the Bible stating in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.”
In relationships timing is basically everything. Something done too soon could ruin the potential of that thing, but also something done too late could also have an equal amount of damage.
Now, hear me when I say this. There is no one size fits all in regards to timing for the decision to marry.
What does that mean? You cannot base your timeline on someone else’s timeline. Now, is there a such thing as to long?
Yes.
But, is everyone’s to long measuring stick going to be the same?
No.
My wife and I were engaged after only 4 months of dating and married 6 months later. I didn’t use anyone else’s relationship as the measuring stick, but simply used wisdom as the measuring stick.I knew she was the right one for me and we both were in the right season to make that commitment. This is after receiving the peace and permission from God, her parents, my pastor, my parents, and my close friends. I believe strongly in community.
A man that knows what he wants will make it happen and will communicate his intentions to you.
A man that isn’t ready for marriage will find every excuse in the book to prolong the decision for marriage. This is why you must guard your heart, mind, and body until he fully earns all access to you by putting a ring on your finger.
The greatest key to eliminate any form of confusion during your dating process is communication. My wife and I were able to have a serious conversation about our future, while I was still able to keep an element of surprise for when I proposed.
I always say, when you see those marriage proposals gone bad it’s because there was no communication prior to that moment.
Authors: Culus Williams & Calandra Thompson
Life has happened to many of us and in the process our credit was wrecked. Often times we hear that our credit score makes us attractive to lenders. So, we must ask a question… “Will your mate be attracted to your credit score?”
Many of us avoid discussing credit profiles until marriage but we think it’s important to discuss this while dating. Your mate needs to know long before the “I do’s” what your credit report reflects. According to a survey form FreeCreditScore.com, about 30% of women and 20% of men stated they would not marry a person with a low credit score.
While you’re single this would be a great time to start rebuilding your credit if it’s been wrecked. Here are a few tips to get you started long before your mate comes along and brings up the topic.
CHECK
- Review your credit report. You are eligible to receive a free copy of your credit report annually at www.annualcreditreport.com
ARRANGE
- Set-up payment plans with the debts that are reflected on your credit report and pay them off. We would suggest starting with the smaller ones first, so that you don’t get overwhelmed. Also, negotiate with the debt collector to settle the debt for a lower amount.
PAY
- Keep paying your current bills on time. Most of us have cellphones and electricity bills. Paying these bills on time isn’t reflected on our credit reports but if we fail to pay and become delinquent this will be reflected on your credit.
The bible tells us in, Romans 13:7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. (NIV)
In your single season work on building your credit so that you are attractive in your mate’s eyes but also so that you are attractive in God’s eyes by honoring his word. God doesn’t desire for his people to be in debt. We are supposed to be lenders and not borrowers. We are called to build God’s kingdom by using our finances to bless others. We can’t bless others if our finances are wrecked.
When God blesses you with a mate, your score may not be perfect but at least you can say. “I’m working on it.” That sounds way better than, my credit is a mess and I haven’t done anything about it.
We both have discussed our credit with each other and it has truly been a blessing to understand what we need to work on long before marriage. We are able to be honest and work on paying off debts while dating. How cool is that?! You can be open and honest about your credit profile and not feel ashamed.
Trust us that you will feel a boost of confidence, knowing that you’re headed in the right direction financially.
BIO:
Culus Ellerton Williams II and Calandra Thompson are both devoted to Jesus Christ and their families. They both recently accepted the call to preach the gospel. They have a passion to spread the gospel to all that will hear. They enjoy encouraging and inspiring people to know more about Jesus Christ. They’re both ministry leaders at Christian Chapel Temple of Faith in Dallas, TX. Their hobbies are writing, dancing, singing and spending time with family.
Your relationship with the Lord should be something that you take confidence and security in. It should also be one of the most attractive qualities that your future spouse honors and respects. How you relate, involve and allow the Lord to lead and guide you shows the real and raw you. So my question is: “What is your view of God? Are you involving him in your everyday life?
Before my now husband pursued me, he first recognized my passion and zeal for the Lord. Until this day, he says that my relationship and pursuit of the Lord was one the most attractive and main reasons why he felt peace in pursuing me.
If you desire to marry a man of God you need to also be a woman of God, a woman who loves God more than she loves her husband. “How can I love God more than my spouse?” It is only natural to do so when you truly love and fear the Lord from the right perspective.
One of the commandments in the bible is “Love the Lord thy God with all of your heart, mind and soul” The word of God does not change once you get married. The dynamics change in which you are required to include your now spouse for the beautiful reason in which you both become one. So as you love an honor the Lord the overflow of your obedience and passion will overflow into how you love, respect and honor your spouse.
I say this to encourage you to invest in your spiritual development and relationship with the Lord while you are unmarried. Do not take for granted the time, ability and focus you are able to give the Lord prior to marriage.
The success of your future marriage depends on it. Commit to a life of true devotion along with a commitment to actively growing and maturing in your relationship with the Lord.
In I Corinthians 7:34 we see clearly what we are suppose to truly be focused on during your season of singleness: “His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband”
Enjoy the season the Lord has you in and know that your history with God is pivotal to your history with your future spouse!