Tag: dating

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Communication Home Single

5 Signs That He Is Into You

married couple talking while having a breakfast time outdoors

We all know the age old saying “Men Are From Mars and Women are From Venus” which basically symbolizes how different the sexes are, and it couldn’t be more true. It’s far easier for me to communicate and understand the emotional cues of my female friends than of my male friends. Which could be due to obvious reasons; given that I am a female myself, but these differences really attribute to why relationships take work. Men and women assess, communicate and deal with things differently. I can’t recall how often I’ve had conversations with my girlfriends about whether or not a guy is into them. And after having several of these “deep, philosophical, analytical talks,” and coming down to the root of the problem, along with personal experiences  of my own; I’ve come to realize, that men are not that complex, and that is no offense to men, but a relief for women. Here are some ways to tell if a guy is into you.
1.  He Initiates Conversation– We live in a day where communication is readily at our fingertips; literally. Regardless of how busy we are, we check our phones multiple times a day. If a guy is into you he won’t leave you hanging for hours after you’ve texted him, or go several days without texting/calling you. We are never too busy to make time for the things we care about.
 
2.  He Tells People About You- If a guy is into you he will mention you to his family and friends. We like to talk about the good things that are happening in our lives, and if you mean something to him, and he sees a potential future, he will let the people in his life know.
 
3.  He Treats You Like You Matter- If he makes you a priority by taking you out  or doing the thoughtful things that make you feel like you’re special to him, then he is into you.
 
 4. He Compliments You- I don’t mean just complimenting your physical traits, but complimenting your mind and other qualities you possess, and showing genuine interest in your passions, talents and hobbies.
 
 5. He Tells You He’s Into You- A mature man isn’t afraid to tell you how he feels about you. And even if he doesn’t, if it has been some time of getting to know each other then it should be pretty obvious, and you should feel confident about how he feels towards you. Basically put, if a man is into you… you will know.

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Single

The Real Reason You're Still Single

Pensive pretty young woman in blue shirt sitting and thinking in cafe

As millennials, it seems we are trying to find the “sweet spot” – the age where you’re not too young to get married and sucking the fun out of your twenties, claiming responsibility, and the age where you suddenly look around and now all your friends are married and starting to have babies. We are trying to navigate through a changing phase of life, and hoping we don’t get left behind in the process. Dating, but casually – not pursuing anything TOO serious, because marriage is a big commitment, but complaining when we don’t have anyone. Seems silly when you spell it out, right? Here are some reasons you are still finding yourself in the single state.
 
Too Prideful to Try Online Dating
When it comes to dating, you don’t mind dabbling in the free apps, but you refuse to sign up for a dating program that costs, as if it screams desperation or shows embarrassment. Stop caring about what other people think! If you are looking to find someone to seriously consider spending your life with, WHY NOT pay for an online dating service? To me, the fact that someone is willing to invest their time/money into the possibility of love shows a greater level of commitment and serious pursuit, and we aren’t even dating yet! Not to mention, there is a good chance you may find more quality individuals than others where creeps have such easy access. Yes, you may spot anomalies either way – a great guy on a free app, or a creep on a paid one, but with dating profiles that match you on sites like eHarmony, you may have a better turnout.
 
You Get Discouraged Too Easily
You finally talk yourself into going on a date with someone you have been talking to you, it seems to go well, and they ghost you. Wait – what? Did I miss something? I thought we had a great time. If you are on the receiving end of the “ghosting,” roll it off. If that is the kind of person they are, it’s probably best you aren’t wasting any more time! Don’t let someone’s personality faults affect your self-worth and self-confidence. A part of seeking out love is vulnerability and risk-taking; you have to take chances, for the possibility of a great reward in a fulfilling relationship. You may try and some relationships will probably fail, but when you find the one that works for both of you, your journey will be worth it.
 
You Give Up Too Quickly
For my friends that do go on dates whether a blind date, tinder dates, bumble dates, first dates, it seems they all give it one to two times in person and decide whether or not they are “feeling it.” Too often it seems millennials are expecting a magical feeling of connection that will let them know they could really fall for this one! Today, I want to challenge the way you view love. Love is a choice. Did you know the global divorce rate of arranged marriages is only 6%?! And often those individuals don’t have a choice. If we decided every day that we were going to CHOOSE to love this person, you could fall in love with anybody.
That being said, if you find someone that meets your non-negotiables from a standard perspective: loves God, wants kids, has a steady job, gets along with family, or whatever your criteria may be (not the tall, dark, handsome, physical qualities), give the guy a CHANCE! Too often I see women giving up over silly reasons and then complaining that there are no good guys out there!
Is it that there are no good guys, or the good guys aren’t meeting your unrealistic expectations?
 
You Don’t Want Anything Too Serious (at least not yet)
Why millennials choose to date, but don’t want to think about marriage is something I may never understand. The idea of emotionally connecting myself to an individual only to have them waste my time and walk away broken-hearted sounds absolutely PAINFUL. Choosing to be serious about a relationship doesn’t mean you have to be ready for marriage tomorrow OR get married next year, and that is completely okay! My challenge to you would be to relationship check at the door. If this person doesn’t have qualities of someone you would consider marrying, or you can’t see yourself with them long-term, don’t waste your time. It’s okay to date to find what you like, but be careful of how long you allow it to go on. Be intentional about finding a spouse, you never know how long (or short) it may take for you to really connect with someone you could see yourself with.

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Engaged Home

3 Reasons to Seek Counseling: Before You Say “I Do”

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Dating/Courting Single

3 Things To Consider In Your Next Relationship (Ladies' Edition)

Confident young woman standing on an urban rooftop daydreaming with her arms folded backlit by the bright flare of the rising sun

by Habiba Abudu

Before entering a serious relationship, one must be whole. Not in a superficial way. You will never be 100 percent perfect when entering a relationship, however, it is important to consider these 3 factors in order to avoid issues in your relationship. 

  1. Father Issues

If you did not grow up with a father you may look to your partner as a means to appease any rejection or loss you had. No doubt, fathers play a significant role in a child’s upbringing and not having one can lead you to looking for affirmation elsewhere. Having a strong father would make you more secure in yourself and less susceptible to compromising your values for a “random”. If you think it’s not true, look how Tom Brady teared up when he mentioned how his dad was his hero. When men know that you seek them for affirmation they can manipulate you. You can also compare your partner to other men who have mistreated you. You have to get rid of that mentality and see your partner the way Christ sees him. 

If you do not have a father – look towards your heavenly Father for He is better than any man you can have. People will fail you. Your friends and family will fail you. Jesus will never fail you. Once you realize that, you won’t go to someone for affirmation

 2. Insecurities

There will always be someone who is skinnier, prettier, smarter and funnier than you. If you are always comparing yourself to the next person, you will always feel insignificant. Subsequently, when you enter a relationship, you will struggle with doubts. You may constantly question whether or not your man will leave you once he finds someone better. Once again, seek God. His thoughts toward you exceed rubies. There is nothing wrong with working out and eating well. But you may never be satisfied unless you find peace with who God made you to be. Be still and at peace. 

Deal with insecurities. Decades of hurt  seemingly buried and forgotten can manifest itself in unexpected ways. Journal your hurts and let God heal you. Talk to someone. Pray. Don’t expect deep rooted hurts to be gone over night. Sometimes, it takes time and a process of healing and restoration. It’s okay to be open with your insecurities. Individuals often put a facade of being okay when it’s quite the contrary. The world is full of broken people. God rejoices in our weakness because He is our strength in our weakness.

3.   Fear of rejection/failure 

Perhaps you experienced a lot of rejection in your life. You weren’t the popular kid at school.  Or you failed at multiple things. Everyone’s failed at something. We are too focused on perfectionism. So maybe once you enter a relationship you already foresee failure on the horizon. You are hesitant to become close to your significant other because you think he will reject you once you mess up. Or you are scared he will see your true colors and want to leave. Grace says that we can mess up. If your partner really loves you, he will accept you flaws and all. 

Failure is apart of life. Failure, when looked at correctly, can be a learning experience. Fear of failure can lead to fear of taking risks or of opening up. God wants you to walk on water. He wants you to take risks. In Him, you are loved. And God works everything for good, so perceived failure/setbacks in Christ will be for your betterment.

Habiba Abudu is a writer based in Toronto, Canada. She loves writing, exploring and eating good food. You can find her at www.habibaabudu.com, www.facebook.com/habibadoesthings , on Instagram @therealhabibaabudu, stay tuned for “Tickle Me Fancy”

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Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Attributes a Man Needs to Date You

Man In Prayer
1. Unwavering Faith in Christ
Before Christ, I dated men that were filled with darkness because I too was filled with darkness. I was longing for love, not realizing that I didn’t have love. I was simply longing for an emotion that wasn’t on the inside of me. In essence, I longed for something I didn’t even know.
I found myself never waiting on the right one but simply settling for all the wrong ones. These men had no faith in God. They didn’t believe in the God that I knew growing up as a child. But again my reality set in, that I didn’t have faith in God either. I knew who God was but I didn’t completely trust that he could be ruler over my life.
I’ve encountered so many broken relationships in my life romantically that I arrived at a place in 2014 that I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I began to have faith in God because I saw for myself that He was the true and the living God. Now I desired not only to put my trust in the Most High God but to also wait for a man that had faith in God. I didn’t want a man with wavering faith. I needed a man that had unwavering faith in Jesus Christ.
2. Incorruptible Reputation
My past isn’t pretty. I’ve made some choices that I regretted making in this life. If you would read my story, my reputation was corrupt. If you heard some of things that I did, you would probably be shocked. Even sometimes when I look back over my life, I too am shocked at some choices I made. The great thing that I’ve discovered is the ashes of my past made beauty of my future.
When God called me out of darkness into his marvelous light in 2014, my sins were forgiven, my past was finished and I was a new creature in Christ Jesus. Living for Christ doesn’t mean that I’m perfect but that God thought I was worth it. Even now when I fall, His love covers me.
I had dated men that said all the right stuff, but their actions never aligned with their words. By the time I realized that they were liars, I had already invited them into my bed, only to find that they were not the one that God had ordained for my life.
So I came to a point of realizing that the man that God needed me to have would need to have an incorruptible reputation. I’m not saying that his past had to be squeaky clean. But I am saying that his walk with Christ had to align with the word of God. His actions had to align with the word of God. The way he treated others and even me had to resemble the word of God.
3. Strong Biblical Foundation
I learned so much about my heavenly father by reading the bible. It is through his word that I’ve become grounded in His truth. It is through His word that my life has transformed and the woman I use to be was formed into what my Heavenly Father wanted me to be. It’s through the bible that I learned how to pray and even what to say.
The man that I prayed for needed to have a biblical foundation. There are so many ideologies out there in the world. Many of our people are falling for beliefs that God never intended for us to consume our spirits with. Because of that very truth, I needed a man that had a strong biblical foundation. A man that wasn’t afraid to open his bible and study the word.  A man that was open to discussing the word aloud with me. A man that was open to being transparent so we could faith share together. A man that was willing to share his knowledge and wisdom with me.
We as women of God must never settle to have a piece of a man because God desires for us to have a whole man. Not just physically but also spiritually. Women of God, please wait for the man with an unwavering faith in Christ, an incorruptible reputation and a strong biblical foundation. Godly men do still exist!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Tips to be a 'Catcher' not a 'Chaser'

Dark-skinned man standing next to his offended wife with Afro haircut and crossed arms, man looking guilty, pointing finger at him, asking what he did wrong, trying to understand what happened to her

Ready for a bold statement?
We are a society that likes the chase more than the catch.
Please know this is a general statement, and that it doesn’t apply to everyone. But in my experiences, we seem to be a group of people that quite often is looking for ‘the next best thing’ and once we have that…we want something better. The benefit of this is that it can translate to having high standards and valuing excellence. The downfall is that it greatly challenges our contentment, and when applied to relationships can make commitment very difficult.
If you have found yourself in a cycle of being drawn to the ‘chase’ but not being able to settle, here are some tips to being a person that values the catch more than the process of getting there.
1. Identify 5-7 qualities in a future spouse that are non-negotiable.
Hopefully you’ll end up with your dream man/woman but they might not be that person the first day you meet them. Decide on a handful of qualities that are a deal breaker for a potential spouse, and allow those to determine who you do/don’t date. With the other qualities you’d like, tuck them away and don’t allow them to dictate whether or not a person is perfect for you. The Lord knows our desires and is more than capable of fulfilling them! Ideally we are constantly evolving into better versions of ourselves, so what you might be wanting may come with time if it’s not in place right away.
2. Understand that any relationship will take work, no matter who it’s with.
It seems that most people look for the next best thing when a relationship starts to become hard or the commitment is tested in some way. The reality is…the next relationship will reach that point too. And the next, and the next, and so on. You’re going to have to be okay with not feeling head-over-heels in love at all times with the person you’re with if you want a relationship that will last forever. However, the reward is great! Withstanding the difficult moments will lead to a stronger bond, deeper intimacy, and ultimately, a greater love for the person you’re with.
3.  Continually look for the good in the person you’re considering as a spouse instead of focusing on shortcomings.
If you don’t want to be a chaser your whole life, you’re going to have to be intentional about seeing the good in the person you’re with. Once you start caring more about their shortcomings than their unique strengths, you’ll easily be drawn to other prospects that don’t have the same weaknesses. (However – they’ll have a different set of weaknesses!)
4. Be present.
When you’re with the person you’re considering as a spouse, where is your mind? Are you thinking about the people/things around you? Are you on your phone? This person shouldn’t have to compete for your attention when you’re with them. It creates tension, and also can make you miss out on moments with him/her that build a foundation for a healthy relationship.
5. Be prayerful.
You don’t know your future, but you can talk to the One that does! If you’re given the green light on dating someone, then there may be an amazing opportunity ahead of you that requires action.
In an age where we have access to much yet little is required of us, being a “chaser” is an easy way to do life… but makes it difficult to truly find what you’re chasing after!

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Dating/Courting Home

How to Identify The Counterfeit

The enemy knows exactly what you want in a man. When we’re having girl talk with our friends or when we are talking with ourselves about the qualities we want in a man, the enemy is listening and  you can bet that he is devising a plan to distract you.
Enter the counterfeit.
He may have succeeded a time or two or three… yes that guy from freshman year was a counterfeit and so was the guy from graduation. Ok. Ok. Ok. Him too. But wait we don’t have to go down memory lane, let’s just refocus here.
The point of this blog is to share with you ways you can identify a counterfeit so we no longer get tricked by the enemy. Now if you can’t get past his physical appearance then it will be hard for you to even see through to his heart. The heart reveals all things.
Being single for seven years has definitely taught me how to identify a counterfeit.

  • Counterfeits pretend they respect your boundaries. When really, they test them.
  • Counterfeits pretend to live by biblical principles. When really, they flirt with sin.
  • Counterfeits are very prideful- not a humble bone in their bodies.
  • Counterfeits are good pretenders. In public they will act like the good, Christian man ,but behind closed doors, he will be the total opposite.

Be careful or you will fall into the trap.

  • Counterfeits don’t have any real intentions. They drag you along, making promises they never plan on committing to.
  • Counterfeits will also attempt to seduce you with what they have-cars and money. They flash it around as if it’s all they have to offer. I guess they never listened to that LL Cool J song when he said “man makes the money, money never makes the man”
  • Counterfeits appear to be the real thing. But they aren’t. They are just wolves in sheep’s clothing.. or coating. (I never really knew what they were saying, but it’s still a really good quote).

They come to rob you of what God is preparing for you. Which is why you have to be able to recognize them when they come along. Being involved with a counterfeit doesn’t lead you any closer to the altar, in fact, it leads you further away.
Having the ability to recognize a counterfeit also saves you from heartache. You won’t have to ugly cry in your pajamas while you sing along to Beyonce’ – To the left To the left, everything you own in the box to the left”.. you know, getting your “Lemonade” on. You see, counterfeits don’t care anything about your soul, all they care about is….  well you know what they care about.
Don’t get caught up Ladies.
I certainly hope that this article was helpful to you. I know I am a much better woman because of my past experiences and I hope what I went through could help save you from a broken heart.

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Engaged

Why I Would Never Get Married Without Pre-Marital Counseling

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In today’s society, it seems premarital counseling is often replaced with a “trial run” as couples are choosing to cohabit more and are pushing marriage off.  With couples getting married later or for those that do not have a strong faith connection, many feel they know what they need to know and are okay with bypassing counseling. However, here are some values of premarital counseling you may want to consider:
 
Pre-marital counseling helps to identify potential problem areas in your relationship.
I don’t care how healthy your relationship is, EVERYONE has something they could work on. Whether it is differing views on managing money, or how each of you prefers to handle conflict, counseling is a good way to help identify those areas of improvement. As a third party, a counselor or mentor brings an objective perspective to the equation as they point out or recognize things about your relationship that may be blinded to the both of you. Counselors also help shed light on relationship issues without one getting offended by the other.
 
Pre-marital counseling brings up situations you would not think to discuss BEFORE they are an issue.
My husband and I went through the book 101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged, and I was amazed at how much we benefited from the process! The questions focused on everything from kids, finances, marriage expectations, role definitions, life-shaping experiences, holidays, etc. It forced us to face potential relationship disagreements BEFORE they occurred.  Here are a few examples –
What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult?
What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? What have you done to address these concerns?
Describe how you were disciplined as a child. If you have children, how will your discipline be the same and how will it be different than you experienced?
What have you learned from your previous relationships that will make you a better partner for someone at this time?
Counseling also helps to instill realistic expectations once the wedding is over.
 
What do you have to lose?
What’s the worst that can happen – you call the wedding off? I would consider that a win versus a lifetime of unhappiness because you didn’t face the challenges of your relationship head on. Counseling will help force communication between future spouses and encourage you to start working as a team before you are united as one. Think of this as the vision board of your marriage – it’s your opportunity to draw the blueprint – what your dreams are, where you want to go, what you want to build, etc. If anything, it will also be a good opportunity to take a step away from the wedding planning and focus on the two of you (which is what this whole wedding thing is about, right?)
Married and Young believes in this so much that they have created a BRAND NEW program for seriously dating and engaged couples called, “Me & You Forever”.
If you are interested and would like to sign up for the waiting list, then click here. 
 
Don’t let wedding planning inhibit your investment into your relationship and future together. I PROMISE you WON’T regret it!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged

How to Remain Celibate While Dating

Interracial couple in love having fun in the city

Recently, I was asked if my husband I were celibate before marriage and if so, how?
My response: “yes and one word – boundaries!”
Before I met my husband I made up in my mind I wasn’t going to make the same mistake for a third time and I was determined to remain faithful to God and honor Him with not only my life but my body.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I learned from previous mistakes that it’s better to avoid temptation than be in a situation where you have to flee it. When my husband and I started dating we made sure to only see each other in public and we never visited each other’s homes. It was best to just avoid close quarters. Watching a movie late at night while my roommate was out of town was no longer an option.
Along with our boundaries there were several things that helped us remain celibate before marriage:
1. Understanding: we were both on the same page.  We both had the same end goal of marriage, thus, we were intentional about dating God’s way.
Dating someone who is not fully in agreement would had been hard. I’ve been in that situation before and failed.  You’re more likely to be tempted by your partner  and he/she may not be as committed to the relationship.
2.  Accountability: we both had someone close to us, who we allowed to check in on us. My husband and I came up with a grading scale and after every date we would rate ourselves. We got a C once but never failed. Sounds funny now but it worked, and we would share our grades with our accountability partners.
3.  Protecting Your Eye & Ear Gates: when dating it may be best to skip over the love scenes in movies and avoid some of  your favorite R&B songs. It’s probably best to stick to comedy and gospel. Ha!
 
Abstinence while dating is absolutely possible but it takes intentionality. However, it’s always worth the wait!

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Dangers in Following Your Heart

People love to give the advice to follow your heart when pursuing a new relationship, but this is unbiblical. The word of God does not instruct us to follow our heart, but instead to guard it (Proverbs 4:23). Here are 3 dangers in following your heart.

  1. The Heart is Deceitful– Jeremiah 17:9 tells us “The heart is deceitful above all things. And it is extremely sick; Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?” If you are following a heart that is deceitful and sick will it give you the truth or perspective you need in order to make healthy choices and decisions and to obey God? Absolutely not! Your heart will attempt to fulfill its own desires and is not concerned about the casualties created as a result of its selfish pursuit.

 

  1. The Heart is Void of Wisdom– Proverbs 28:26 informs us that fools trust in their own heart but there is safety for those who walk in wisdom. This scripture indicates there is no wisdom or safety found in trusting in or following our own heart. Our own hearts can mislead and misguide us. When we allow the painful memories from past relationships to become embedded in the memory of our heart, it becomes a source of false wisdom and counsel in new relationship experiences.

 

  1. The Heart is Inconsistent and Emotional– Another danger in following your heart is based on the season you are enduring in your life, your heart will lead you based on its emotional state. The problem with this is when we are led by our emotions we do not have an accurate perspective of our situation and if we are led by our emotions we are not being led by the truth of God. Have you ever witnessed a woman make a vow to her husband and God that she will love, honor, respect and be faithful to him for the rest of her life….then in a challenging season when she feels he does not understand her, she confides in and gives her heart to another man who seems to be more understanding than her husband? The emotions of her heart have deceived her into believing it is acceptable and justifiable to break covenant with her husband to connect to another man who understands her. Instead of guarding her heart during this vulnerable season, she chose to allow the emotions of it to guide her. Relationships have been ruined because people chose to follow their own heart and not God’s heart or will.

The next time someone tells you to follow your heart do yourself a favor and tell them no thanks; I would rather follow God’s heart! He will never lead me astray and cannot fail me!