Tag: dating

Categories
Home Single

Wait, a Relationship? Oh No, I’m Not Ready

Young black woman in trendy blue headscarf and glasses with long braided hair

There are so many articles, blogs, and advice for all those willing and ready to get into a relationship. But what about those who just aren’t ready for a relationship? Well, this blog post is just for YOU!
I’m going to challenge you a little bit and ask why you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. Take some time and think about the questions below…

  • Is it simply that I don’t desire a relationship and I want to be a eunuch?
  • Is it simply that I believe I will never get married because there’s no one out there for me?
  • Is it simply that I hope I’m never given the opportunity to be in a relationship?

More than likely, you answered no to those questions. If you answered yes, you can still read the rest of this blog post…
I’ve noticed that when people say they’re not ready for a relationship, they usually desire a relationship but other factors cause them to “not be ready.” Now, sometimes it’s just not your season to date, and if you feel you’re not ready, it’s probably not your season. However, as you walk through this season, I want to open your eyes to a few factors that could be hindering your progress towards a season of being ready to date.

  1. Fear – This is one of the biggest reasons why people stay away from relationships. However, the only way to conquer fear is by intentionally doing the thing of which you are most afraid. Of course, make sure you are in a healthy place before being open to a relationship but also don’t allow fear to box you in.
  2. Insecurities – No one wants these but we all have them. Take some time while you are single to build your confidence and your self-esteem. This will help you choose a significant other soberly and attract the right person.
  3. Unhealed Broken Heart – Definitely one of the most painful life occurrences to walk through. However, you must allow your past to remain in your past. If you had a break up that ended badly and that is still controlling your present… you need more healing! Never allow your past to stir your future; close the door and keep moving!
  4. Father Wounds – The greatest investment a father can make for his children is being just that – a father (a real one). If you suffer from father wounds, definitely take time to walk through deliverance, but also learn to know God as Father. Center your devotion around this subject and allow God to work on your heart. This is one wound that can cause a lot of damage to relationships, so be intentional about healing it.
  5. Trust Issues – These are real and will keep you guarded and distant from people. However, I’m here to tell you that you’re not perfect… and neither is the person with whom you decide to enter a relationship. Red flags are real and you should heed them but you can’t build lasting relationships without trust. Look at yourself and recognize your own flaws; this will help you grant more mercy and grace to the one with whom you eventually enter into relationship.

Out of the five of these, which is your current struggle? Don’t be afraid to share; we all have our issues!
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

9 Ways to Know He Is the One

Head And Shoulders Portrait Of Couple On Holiday

Think you may have found a catch, or not sure what to look for you validate what you may feel like is “the one?” Here are some guidelines and qualities to keep an eye out for:
 1. He is committed to Christ. His relationship with God comes first and you can see that in his actions. I put this quality first as it should be evident in everything listed below. His priorities, how he serves, the fruit of his actions are clear that they come from spending time in the secret place with God.
 
2. He is committed to loving you. We all have our faults, and relationships are a good place to see them out. If you take two imperfect individuals and merge their lives together, I can guarantee your shortcomings will manifest. The key is handling them both for yourself and how he responds to you in these times. Does he have a willingness to work through your faults with you? Is he willing to apologize when he is wrong? Does he encourage/support you? Does he have a willingness to learn/adapt to make your relationship work together? Learning to love one another is a process, but it can be done with a healthy dose of effort, grace, patience, and understanding.
 
3. He respects you. He doesn’t treat you as inferior and honors you for the woman that you are. He admires you, treats you with value and takes what you have to say seriously. He doesn’t try to control you.
 
4. He knows how to “adult.” He can hold down a job, he is independent, he can clean up after himself, and he stewards his finances well. It’s important to have a man who can handle responsibility and is someone you can depend on. You’re not looking to adopt an adult child, you are looking for a life partner, a teammate to go through life TOGETHER.
 
5. He talks about the future (and includes you in it). If there is one thing I know about a man, when they want something, they go after it. Having a healthy dose of ambition, having goals, and being future-minded will keep you from running in circles and wondering where you stand in his life. Ambition and goals allow you to see their desire for growth and success.
6. He is kind. You can tell a lot about a person by how they talk about and treat people around them. How does he treat his mom? His parents? How about his friends? Pay attention to other relationships or other interactions (even with strangers) that will give you more insight into their true character (when they aren’t focused on trying to impress you).
7. He is honest and integral. This goes hand in hand with many others: being trustworthy, loyal, and having an appropriate level of transparency with you. Marriage isn’t the time to find out about children from other relationships, or any other past secrets. If you are considering spending your life with someone, it is important there is an established open line of communication.
8. He is intentional. If he doesn’t pursue you now, a ring is not going to change his behavior. Know you are a woman of value, and don’t settle to be treated less than. You are more than just an option- to someone, you are their future. We accept the love we think we deserve.
9. He challenges you. He strives to help make you a better person – instilling confidence where you feel like you lack, instilling love when you feel rejected, reinforcing belief that you can when you feel you can’t. He tries to help you succeed and become all God has in store for you.
 
Is it realistic to expect or find a man with all 9 qualities? Maybe, maybe not. He may be really strong in some, and growing in other areas. Be wise, seek counsel. Use these qualities as a guideline and don’t be afraid to ask mentors or close friends to weigh in their opinions on a relationship as well.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

8 Consequences of Dating the Wrong Guy

There are tons of consequences that stem from dating the wrong guy. Some of us only know bad relationships so it becomes a perpetual cycle. But it’s time to break that cycle. Your heart, your destiny and purpose and your future deserves better than relationships with the wrong guys. Here are 8 consequences of dating the wrong guy:

  1. Wasted Time. Time is something that we can never get back so we have to be wise with how we use it. Staying in a relationship with a guy that you know you have no future with is a waste. If there is no future then cut your ties and move on.
  2. Delayed Promise. When you were born, God had a specific assignment for you to complete but if you’re entangled in the wrong relationship then it is possible to delay the promise on your life. Promise works best when you’re connected to right relationships.
  3. The Right Guy. When you’re trotting around with the wrong guy, the right guy can’t find you. Or if he does find you, he’ll think you’ve already been found. Now you’re delaying the chance of feeling true love.
  4. Broken Spirit. Being with the wrong person can leave you feeling hopeless. You’ll feel like you’ll never be found by the right person. Having a broken spirit often leaves you feeling blah about life and your future.
  5. Trust Issues. Dating the wrong guy will have you doubting the right guy. Meaning, even if the right guy comes around, if you haven’t dealt with the consequences of dating the wrong guy, you’ll try to make him pay for another man’s mistakes. And that’s not fair.
  6. Soul Ties. You formed these ungodly emotional connections that last long after the relationship is over. I call it residue. Soul ties are like residue. You may not be in that relationship anymore but your heart still is and until you sever that tie, you’ll won’t be able to have a healthy connection to the right guy.
  7. Broken-Heart. Because you’ve allowed yourself to form a bond with this person and you now have an emotional connection, when the relationship ends you will be left with a broken heart. This broken heart could have been avoided if you would’ve heeded to the signs when they were first shown to you. It’s enough stuff out here to break our hearts, let’s not put ourselves intentionally in a situation of heartbreak.
  8. It turns you into a serial dater. You’ve dated the wrong guy, now you’re so fixated on finding someone “better” that you’re in and out of relationships. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to sit still. Heal your heart and allow God to be in charge of your love life.

 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

2 Signs That You’re Ready to Date

Black women best friends looking out over ocean while standing on pier

The question for today… Are you ready to date? There are so many articles, blogs, podcasts and even sermons that focus on dating. It can be an information overload to your brain. It can be difficult trying to figure out when it’s the appropriate time to date. In all honesty, only you will know when you’re ready to date. It will be a private moment between you and God.
Here are 2 ways to help you decide if you are ready to date:
1. You know your identity
When you look in the mirror; do you know who you are? You have royalty inside your DNA. Created by the most High King. Genesis 1:27 So God created man in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them. You were created on purpose for a purpose. Your identity lies within that secret place of where your Heavenly Father created you. Do you understand your identity? That you’re unique. You are destined for greatness because of what God downloaded on the inside of you. You have purpose, passion and power. Every promise that God has spoken over your life will manifest at the opportune time. Embrace your outer beauty. Thank God for your inner beauty. You are beautiful! Know your identity. Don’t let the enemy block you from knowing who you are.
2. “Aha” Moment of Purpose
Have you experienced that aha moment yet? That aha moment of when you discover your God given purpose. Visit that painful place in your life. The place that caused you to see yourself differently. Pain makes us run. The very place you’re running from dealing with is the place that your purpose lies. Pain births purpose. Purpose births passion. Passion births Power. When all three collide the promises of God manifest in your life. You will see the glory of God revealed in your life. You will run out of your past into your destiny full force. That aha moment will bring revelation to your purpose in life.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

Am I Ready to Get Married?

One of the most infamous questions you will ever get as a married person is– “How did you know they were the one?” Albeit, there are different answers pending on whom you ask, but here are a few ways to calm your wedding jitters.
If you are waiting for your flawless Prince Charming to show up, you will be waiting forever. When it comes to a potential spouse, there will never be a perfect person. If you can agree on the things that matter most to you: faith, morals, values, goals, etc. – you can learn to love anybody. The person you marry today will be a very different person 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years from now. It’s a matter of commitment. Love is more than just a feeling, it’s a daily choice.
 
So you said yes, you’ve started wedding planning and have that beautiful ring on your finger. All of a sudden, you begin to question:
Am I ready for this?
Let me start by saying – before you can be ready for marriage, you have to be comfortable by yourself. No relationship is going to fill the voids you find in your individual life – they may provide a temporary fix, but in the end you will still feel empty. You can’t allow your life’s happiness to be placed in the hands or the control of another human being. Find your identity, purpose, your SELF, and the right relationship will come in time.
No one can really prepare you for marriage because everyone’s marriage looks different. However, there are great resources like premarital counseling that can help the two of you figure out each other’s perspectives, habits, and personalities. In addition to premarital counseling, my husband and I went through the book “101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged” which really gave us insight into a lot of different areas we would not have thought to consider. It forced us to think about different scenarios or situations before they became an issue. There are plenty of additional premarital books out there if you choose to go through one with your fiancé.
Is this really what I want?
Only you can decide this. This will be your future – not your parent’s, pastor’s, friend’s, etc. It’s OKAY to not want to be married yet, and it’s okay if you do! Everyone’s timeline is different. Be honest with yourself and trust your gut. If you don’t feel at peace about it, seek counsel from someone you know that can bring you wisdom and perspective to help decipher between nerves and legitimate concerns.
Am I too young?
I am a firm believer that age does not qualify you as “ready” for marriage. My husband and I got married at 22 and are in some ways more mature than other friends that married much later in life. Your age does not determine whether your marriage will succeed or fail, rather the mindset and commitment you bring to the relationship. It is possible to be too immature to be married, but in many ways marriage forces you to grow up and take on more adult responsibilities as you learn to navigate life with another person, flaws and all.
What if I change my mind?
Regardless of the potential embarrassment you may feel, it is OKAY to call off a wedding. Personally, I would rather call off my wedding and feel embarrassed for a season instead of finding myself in a horrible marriage for the rest of my life. My dad always told me – even the day of our wedding before walking down the aisle – if you don’t want to do this, we can turn back now. Hopefully you have resolved before you get to the church doors, but don’t ever allow yourself to be trapped in a relationship you know is not right.
Every person has their flaws, weaknesses, baggage, but choosing to love them through it takes real commitment. Marriage is selfless. It’s about learning to love and put someone else’s needs before your own. It’s compromising on the restaurant you wanted to go to in order to make the other happy for dinner.  It’s learning how to communicate and how to resolve conflicts quicker. It’s sending a text message letting them know how much you appreciate them and you’re sorry for being dramatic by arguing about something so small this morning.
Marriage is work. But if both parties are willing to put the time and effort in to cultivate the marriage you both desire, I promise it will be one of the most beautiful and fulfilling journeys you ever step foot on.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Ways To Know You're Ready to Date Again

young woman looking thoughtful at the coffee shop

How do you know when it’s time to start living the next chapter of your life?
After having brunch with some friends, I started thinking about that question. I listened to them talk about their relationships and how they would just put themselves out there. I’ve seen women time after time fool themselves into thinking they were ready to date for whatever the reason, but my question is what makes you think that you’re ready?
That’s when I started examining those closest to me, especially those in successful relationships, and came up with the following three ways women can know they ready to date again.
 1. You’re no longer bitter about your ex
You aren’t stalking his social media, you’re not checking his new girlfriend’s social media either, you’re not leaving rude comments- acting like you’re Jazmine Sullivan. We’ve all been there, but if you’re still there, then you are not ready to be in another relationship.
When you’re truly over your ex, you don’t care what they are doing nor do you care who they are doing it with. If they’ve moved on, you’re happy for them and you don’t have any unresolved feelings.
In order for you to start a new chapter, you can’t be still hung up on an ex.
2. You’re no longer interested in rebounds
You know what a re-bounder is? Someone you use as an attempt to get over the last person you dated or use as an attempt to make your ex jealous. A lot of us, when we break up with someone, turn into serial daters where we date randoms (someone not sent by God), just out there choosing anybody. You use re-bounders as a distraction. They are often used as a physical and emotional coping mechanism when you’re not interested in being with them long-term.
When you’re truly interested in dating someone there won’t be any games. You won’t try to distract yourself from the pain of a past failed relationship, you’ll be in a space to offer your whole self to someone.
 3. You’re happy with who you are
Being happy with who you are is a key in knowing that you’re ready to date. Why? Because when you are happy with yourself, you make choices that will keep you happy. You won’t make decisions that are destructive to yourself, your purpose or your destiny. When you are truly happy with yourself, you will attract a mate that is also happy with themselves.
Being happy with yourself means you won’t repeat past errors or mistakes, nor will you expect the next relationship to make up for all the pain you experienced previously because you’ve taken the time to heal appropriately and you’ve taken time to find happiness in yourself and most importantly in God.
What I’m learning being single is that when you’re out living the best life, the life God has planned for you, is usually when God decides to sweep you off of your feet. So don’t be in such a rush to fill your life with meaningless people who will leave you with meaningless memories.
Once you decide that you’re ready to start dating let it because you want to share your happiness with someone, not because you’re trying to erase the memory of someone else.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

3 Myths About Courtship

Happy couple in love walking in Gamla Stan, Stockholm city visiting Sweden. Young adults tourists on travel or Swedish urban people in summer walking on a date.

Let’s debunk these myths, shall we….
Myth 1. You Don’t Have to Prepare for a Courtship.
Many people believe that the only relationship necessary to prepare for is marriage. However, how can one prepare for marriage and completely skip the fact that there’s a huge step you must take before you say “I do”- Courtship. Courtship, which is considered “righteous dating” because it is done from a place of purity,  is a huge step!
It’s a time and a season of life that needs to be taken VERY seriously. When you prepare for courtship, you’re ultimately preparing for marriage. How, you ask? Your preparation should include learning the importance of sobriety, discipline, honor, respect for yourself and your significant other, integrity, communication and purity! These are all aspects that, if you train yourself in them before courtship, will be strengthened through courtship, thereby laying the foundation for a stable marriage.
As my pastor always says: “Things don’t go wrong, they start wrong.” If you’re not intentional about preparing for each season of your life, it is highly likely that you won’t succeed in the capacity God wants you to because of your lack of intentional preparation.
Myth 2. Boundaries? No One Needs Those!
I speak with people all the time about the importance of boundaries, not just in courting relationships, but in general, and the response I always receive is “I never knew how important boundaries are!” Let me warn you, if you desire to live to the standard of the word of God and you want to walk in complete purity in your courtship … YOU NEED BOUNDARIES!
“The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak,” and this will surely hold true as you grow in relationship with a person you desire to marry. Think about it; you’re attracted to this person, you become comfortable, you let down your guard, you may already know you’re headed in the direction of marriage … it’s extremely easy to have a slip-up if you’re not careful.
To lessen the chances of this happening, set up a few clear boundaries. For example:

  • End nighttime phone calls by 11 p.m.
  • Don’t spend the night at each other’s houses.
  • Set a curfew for yourself!
  • No kissing – To each his own, but this helped my courtship stay pure!

Myth 3. It’s Easy!
Lie, lie, lie, lie and lie again, ha! Courtship is extremely hard at times … well, if you do it God’s way, of course. Let me give you the reality from someone who is actually walking through it. First, there’s no sex involved in courtship. Sex can be a blinder that excuses a person’s behavior; since this is not the case, you get to feel the reality of a person’s dysfunctions. Second, you must remain sober through your courtship, not overlooking issues that need to be addressed, working through your own insecurities and heart issues. If this isn’t your first relationship, you may have to work through some more healing from issues you had in your past relationship that you thought were gone.
Finally, you are tested over and over again in your ability to love purely and soberly and to REMAIN in the season you’re in. Remember, you’re not married yet, so marriage privileges cannot be given.
I’ll end with this tad bit of wisdom – Ladies, he must pursue you through the entire courtship. Fellas, she needs to remain in a place of being led and not becoming controlling. If these two things are not happening, you may want to have an honest conversation; you may want to even include a married couple for accountability.
So, there you go! Courtship is beautiful, but I think it’s important for people to see the reality and not just the roses and lovey-dovey moments! Have fun and enjoy!

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Punk'd!

Dating couple tourists eating waffles on date enjoying food snack. Romantic man and woman laughing having fun outdoors. Multiracial couple, Young Caucasian man and Asian woman.

by Joy Oguntimein
How cool would it have been to be Ashton Kutcher walking into the tent shouting “You just got punkd!”  the morning Jacob woke up and realized he married Leah and not Rachel. That ‘lil love bird got played!!
 
Some of us are punking our future spouses. It’s been months since the first date, yet we’re still only allowing the other person to see a version of us that’s been cropped, edited, and filtered.  We hide any evidence of our imperfections so we can earn the “married” badge.
 
Honey, lean in for some truth. We can’t live life in bondage, afraid of people not liking the real us. If we are going to have any real happy, in our happily ever after stories, then we need to practice being real in our relationships now, with our family and friends. 
 
One of the most important things you can do in your marriage-Be Yourself!  Being yourself is a habit developed over time; not magically when you say I do. Here are a few tips for being your authentic self:
 
 1. Be Authentic.  DUH!  Yes, start here.  Start by being honest about what you like, what you don’t like, what you value, and how you’re feeling.
While we all have an innate desire to be accepted and loved by others, we need to belong in communities that value us and our unique contribution. If people only want to accept the person you pretend to be, then they are not accepting you. 
 2. Be grateful for the amazing and unique being you are.  Be open about your faults and weaknesses.
When we present a facade of who we are, we don’t give people the opportunity to love us completely. Your future partner can’t connect with you if they can’t see the real you. Don’t get caught up trying to be someone else that you forget how special you are, flaws and all.
 3. Be courageous enough to be vulnerable.  Whether a parent, sibling, prayer partner, etc.  you need at least one person (preferably 2) you can be vulnerable with.
We should invest in the relationships that allow us to share both our pleasure and pain.  Let’s invest in the people who are open to seeing the behind the scenes footage, not just the highlight reels posted on Instagram.  We need intentional, genuine, and consistent community that comes through being ourselves.
Want real love?  Then bring the real you to the relationship. To find, keep, and build a lasting love,  be you.  Free yourself and rest in the truth that you’re loved by Jesus, with all your brokenness, gifts, flaws, positive traits, and weirdness.
 
Unless you’re a professional actor/actress, you will not win an Academy or Emmy for impressing other people with your ability to be someone besides yourself.  This is real life, not a reality TV show.  So, let’s stop faking, and be the real, authentic people God has created us to be.  When you do, you’ll be building a foundation for a strong, healthy relationship.1

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

He Proposed After 3 and Half Years of Dating… Why I stayed!

marry me, proposal in Paris near Eiffel Tower

We live in a generation where courtship turns into marriage within 6 months or less. Because of that, I was often asked, “ What’s taking him so long?” Besides that being a question from him, it made me uncomfortable that people were bothered by our relationship status more than we were. Newly engaged, I don’t regret a minute spend being his girlfriend, and here’s why:
1. Divorce is REAL!
I’ve witnessed young people rush into marriage…better yet a world of problems. See, my fiancé and I both believe “Divorce is not an option”. With that being said, we wanted to ensure when we say “I Do” there would be no need for the “D” word. We truly spent 3 years getting to know one another on a deep level, learning flaws, triggers, and fine-tuning our communication skills. Because of that, we know each other like the back of our hands.
2. I Knew What I Wanted!
After only 6 months of dating, I knew he would be my husband. We’d been friends for 4+ years, he knew every part of me, and I him. Sure, I didn’t think it would take 3.5 years, but I was willing to wait. He was EVERYTHING I asked God to send me. I lacked nothing in him, and I knew we shared the desire to get married!
3. I Prayed!
Spring of 2016, I spent a lot of time with God regarding our relationship and its status! God asked me, what do you want? I rattled off what everyone else thought I should have, and he asked me again “What do you want”. After conversing with God and laying my troubles at His feet, I felt a renewing in our relationship! I knew my doubt didn’t come from the relationship itself, but the people who shared unsolicited opinions.
4. I Can DO What I Want
People have always had and always will have an opinion. If it’s not about engagement, it’s about how you should do the wedding, when you’ll have babies….it’s a never ending cycle. The truth of the matter is I CAN DO WHAT I WANT…WHAT WE WANT. There’s no rule book stating marriage must commence within a certain time frame. When I realized that, I felt a freedom to do what I wanted!
5. Finally, God’s Timing Is Perfect
God knew what He was doing in making me wait. Had I got married sooner, I’d be on divorce court (lol). Yes! I can admit it! My heart was consumed with being a bride, not a wife. During my time of prayer, God revealed the areas I needed to work on. I guess my engagement is God’s seal of approval of my intentional hard work!
I chose to wait because I wanted to! I waited because there’s nothing wrong with it! I waited because I needed to grow! I waited because the day I would get engaged was marked on God’s calendar (Psalm 139:16, NLT). Ladies and gents, stop adhering to timelines that don’t exist, trying to beat a clock created by social media, operating according to someone else’s love story or being moved by what others have to say! Let God be the author and the finisher of your love story!
XOXO,
A Very Happy “Future Ms. Terry”

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

What Does Love Really Have to Do with It?

I bet your wondering what in the world can this blog post be about? What does she mean by “what does love have to do with it?”
 
Well, in a society and generation that has completely contaminated the meaning of LOVE, I thought it would be best to do some clarifying.Most people don’t have a clue what love is. They want to rush into relationships based on commonality, attraction, or a “feeling.” But, those three things literally have nothing to do with love.
We began to lose the war of the true meaning of love when people started making it into a fantasy and removing the reality.When people wanted to take the easy way out rather than learning to endure, because where there is love there is endurance.When people wanted to allow their desires to run wild instead of committing and remaining faithful, with love there is commitment.
 
You see, this awful cycle and contamination started YEARS ago, but as an agent of Christ my objective is to correct what’s been tainted.
Let’s compare Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary definition of love with the Bible’s definition of love.
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines love as “a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire; or affection and tenderness felt by lovers.”
Well, let me ask you this… What happens when those affections die down? What happens when sex isn’t enough anymore? What happens when you don’t feel loved or want to love anymore?
Here’s the problem, love can’t be narrowed down to such a simplistic feeling or desire in the moment. Let’s be honest, desires and feelings change like the wind for some people, and the truth is, love remains. This is why it can’t be considered a feeling or a desire.
The Bible defines love as a decision that is made through every situation, circumstance, obstacle, uncertainty, commitment, and overall life event.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 it says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.”
If you’re going to love someone in a relationship context, understand that love is not just a word to throw back and forth, but there are real decisions that have to be made each day in order to truly love someone.
So, what does love really have to do with it? It has EVERYTHING to do with it! After reading this post, I suggest you take some time to ask yourself, “have I contaminated the REAL meaning of LOVE?” It’s not too late to make some changes. Now that you have this information, what are you going to do with it?