Category: Single

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Dating/Courting Home Physical Intimacy Single

Abstaining From Sex: The Ammunition You Need

It’s everywhere. SEX. It’s on the TV, it’s in the magazines, books, music, posters, movies… EVERYWHERE. So unless you plan on becoming a hermit and staying indoors doing nothing, then I suggest you get some ammunition and learn how to use it.
After speaking with a few people through my blog and business, I thought I would write a post and tell you what helps me keep my vow of purity. Oh, just in case you didn’t know, I run a Christian business geared toward helping men and women stay celibate until marriage. Also, if you read to the end, I’ll have a surprise for you at the end of this post. **Giveaway Alert**
I use the word ammunition in my title because literally there is a fight we experience in our everyday lives to remain pure. The enemy is armed and dangerous and he’s not afraid to use his weapons. So why are we?
Here’s what I’m locked and loaded with:
Prayer
This is the vehicle in which the Lord has given us to communicate with Him. So why don’t we use it? It’s literally available to us anytime of the day. And it’s my first choice when I’m faced with impure thoughts. I just simply say,

“Lord, fill my thoughts with thoughts of you and your goodness. Help me to block the tactics of the enemy that’s trying to infiltrate my mind. Right now I choose to think on everything that is pure and lovely.”

It’s nothing long and drawn out- when the enemy is quickly approaching, or better yet, when he has already used his weapon, you have to use what’s in your arsenal.
Sometimes I even pray my go-to scripture, But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desire” (Romans 13:14)
I encourage you to find a scripture of choice and use it when the enemy is trying to wage war on your mind.
Accountability
You need to find someone who is on the journey of abstaining from sex like you. I recommend finding someone who is further along in the journey than you, that way they can tell you what help keeps them from falling victim to the enemies tactics. See, they more than likely have a language for the season you’re entering or you’ve been in and they will definitely give you sound advice. This is also a person that you should be able to share your struggles with- someone that you plan to be truthful and honest with, because what’s the point of having accountability otherwise?
Listen, I love my accountability partners, I have two- I call them when I need prayer, when I need to talk, and when I need encouragement. I remember one time I texted one of them at a very early hour in the morning and guess, what she responded. This isn’t a walk you have to do by yourself, there are plenty of people, Christians, out here living for the Lord and taking their vow of purity seriously.
My Purity Card
Yes! I carry my card with me everywhere. It’s in my wallet, so I have the ability to pull it out at anytime, anywhere. It’s a great reminder. It’s something about seeing my signature on the card- it reminds me that the decision I made to abstain from sex until marriage shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a contract between me and the Lord, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t dishonor any contract I made with my Lord and Savior. (If you want a copy of the card, you can email me at crownedyou@gmail.com).
If you want to join me in this fight for purity, comment below and let me know! I’d love to pray for you and encourage you. I’ll also be entering your comment into a drawing to win an item from my company Crowned, LLC. So be sure to leave enough information so that I can get back in contact with you and follow us on Instagram.

 

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Single

5 Things to Do When You're Single

Knee figure of young beautiful black woman walking outdoor in the city using smart phone hand hold, looking over serene - technology, carefree, music concept

by Habiba Abudu
I never had a boyfriend before (cue gasps). I know. I know. How can a fabulous gal like me be condemned to singleness? You may be shocked, but I believe God is protecting me from all the fluff that is out there. I truly believe that society as a whole is looking at singleness wrong. This year my perspective has radically changed and I am really not interested in getting tied down just yet. Here are some tips that have helped me:
 

  1. Travel

I have no babies or man and I can go wherever I please (albeit I need money first), but I am looking forward to the places that God will take me this year.
 

  1. Become a Good Steward

I am learning how to manage my finances, my house and myself. The spirit of self-control is real y’all. I am also using this time to raise up strong women of God and develop a sisterhood. Sowing into other people’s lives is one of my greatest fulfillments.
 

  1. Get in “Rocky Balboa” Shape

I am getting in the best shape of my life. I do believe taking care of your temple is a major key to success. I participate in runs and can walk for hours. Exercise and a good diet has really developed my self-confidence.
 

  1. Develop Intimacy with Christ

While many girls are looking for a relationship, there is a real man who is ready to begin a relationship with you. His name is Jesus Christ. I can spend hours with Christ. Whether it be in the Word or just praying, the process has been really sanctifying. It is through this process that I can share my fears, my failures, my hopes.
 

  1. Pursue Your Dreams

When you married and have kids your time is limited. Right now, the sky is the limit. I am able to dedicate myself to various individuals, go to networking events and be used mightily by God to do big things!
 
Habiba is a freelance writer based in Toronto. My website is www.habibaabudu.com and www.facebook.com/habibadoesthings. 

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Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Attributes a Man Needs to Date You

Man In Prayer
1. Unwavering Faith in Christ
Before Christ, I dated men that were filled with darkness because I too was filled with darkness. I was longing for love, not realizing that I didn’t have love. I was simply longing for an emotion that wasn’t on the inside of me. In essence, I longed for something I didn’t even know.
I found myself never waiting on the right one but simply settling for all the wrong ones. These men had no faith in God. They didn’t believe in the God that I knew growing up as a child. But again my reality set in, that I didn’t have faith in God either. I knew who God was but I didn’t completely trust that he could be ruler over my life.
I’ve encountered so many broken relationships in my life romantically that I arrived at a place in 2014 that I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I began to have faith in God because I saw for myself that He was the true and the living God. Now I desired not only to put my trust in the Most High God but to also wait for a man that had faith in God. I didn’t want a man with wavering faith. I needed a man that had unwavering faith in Jesus Christ.
2. Incorruptible Reputation
My past isn’t pretty. I’ve made some choices that I regretted making in this life. If you would read my story, my reputation was corrupt. If you heard some of things that I did, you would probably be shocked. Even sometimes when I look back over my life, I too am shocked at some choices I made. The great thing that I’ve discovered is the ashes of my past made beauty of my future.
When God called me out of darkness into his marvelous light in 2014, my sins were forgiven, my past was finished and I was a new creature in Christ Jesus. Living for Christ doesn’t mean that I’m perfect but that God thought I was worth it. Even now when I fall, His love covers me.
I had dated men that said all the right stuff, but their actions never aligned with their words. By the time I realized that they were liars, I had already invited them into my bed, only to find that they were not the one that God had ordained for my life.
So I came to a point of realizing that the man that God needed me to have would need to have an incorruptible reputation. I’m not saying that his past had to be squeaky clean. But I am saying that his walk with Christ had to align with the word of God. His actions had to align with the word of God. The way he treated others and even me had to resemble the word of God.
3. Strong Biblical Foundation
I learned so much about my heavenly father by reading the bible. It is through his word that I’ve become grounded in His truth. It is through His word that my life has transformed and the woman I use to be was formed into what my Heavenly Father wanted me to be. It’s through the bible that I learned how to pray and even what to say.
The man that I prayed for needed to have a biblical foundation. There are so many ideologies out there in the world. Many of our people are falling for beliefs that God never intended for us to consume our spirits with. Because of that very truth, I needed a man that had a strong biblical foundation. A man that wasn’t afraid to open his bible and study the word.  A man that was open to discussing the word aloud with me. A man that was open to being transparent so we could faith share together. A man that was willing to share his knowledge and wisdom with me.
We as women of God must never settle to have a piece of a man because God desires for us to have a whole man. Not just physically but also spiritually. Women of God, please wait for the man with an unwavering faith in Christ, an incorruptible reputation and a strong biblical foundation. Godly men do still exist!

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Dating/Courting Home Single

Ladies, Stop Losing the Interest of Potentials: 10 Things that Scare Men Away

Ever date a guy and he up and disappears? Now you’re left wondering “What did I do wrong?” Been there, done that! So here is a list of 10 things woman do to scare men away early on in the relationship. This list is comprised of personal experience as well as responses from social media:
Personal Experience
1. Investing Beyond the Relationship Status-
We, as woman, are naturally loving and want to help men in any way possible. This is a turn off to some men, as he may feel you are “doing too much”. I remember telling a guy I was going to buy him a Fossil watch after only knowing him for 1 month (but it was Christmas, so I wasn’t really doing too much, was I? That was a rhetorical question.). Eventually he shared with me that my intentions “scared him because the investment was bigger than our status”.
2. Prematurely Discussing the Future-
I was super excited for the same guy to meet my family; it’s all I talked about. I told him how much he’d love my family…. it turns out that meeting the family within a few weeks of dating is indeed too much.
 
Social Media Response (responses to my status)
3. The “Independent Woman Syndrome”-
“Don’t get me wrong, I love a strong woman; however, there can’t be two Alpha Males in one relationship. If you’re too independent…there’s no need for me”
4. Insensitive-
“Women who are rude and disrespectful to wait staff is a real turn off. It says a lot about a person’s character.”
5. Talking About Marriage
“LAWD! LAWD! LAWD! If you mention marriage on the first date, I’m not calling you again, lol. Seriously, it’s a major turn off when women bring up marriage 1,209,872,347,095 times and we don’t even know each other’s favorite color yet.
6. Discussing Life’s Problems Too Early
“Don’t get me wrong, we all have problems; BUT, I don’t want to hear about them at every meal! It comes off as ‘ungrateful’.”
7. Un-closed Doors-
“PLEASE! I beg you! Close every opened door before you attempt to date a man. There’s nothing worse that being with a woman whose heart belongs to someone else”
8. No Career Plans-
“I like a woman with drive! If you can’t share what you’d like to accomplish in life, I can’t date you.”
9.Unable to Define Love-
“Everyone wants it, but not everyone knows how to give it. It’s hard to believe someone who can’t define love would know how to appropriately give it.
10.Super Clingy-
“My interest can not be your only interest and my friends cannot be your only friends. I like women who have their own interests and friends.”
Bonus:
LADIES, no matter how “confident” your interest appears to be “DO NOT DISCUSS OTHER MALES”. I dated a guy who appeared to be uber confident. I always talked about my boy-best friend, and he flat-out told me: “I don’t want to hear about your friend. No man wants to hear about another man all the time.” Honestly, I meant no harm! I just discuss the people I love with EVERYONE.
Remember to let the man lead, keep these tips in mind, and here’s to not scaring away your dates in 2017. Lol.

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Home Single

Why Settling Shouldn't Be an Option

thoughtful young african woman sitting outdoors

 

Being single comes with its benefits, and I believe during this period it’s important to take it for what it is, and not for what it’s not. It is a great time for self improvement, and getting to know yourself on a deeper level. The happier you are as a single, the happier you will be when you finally meet that someone.

Despite how accepting you are of being single, it can be challenging when it seems like everyone around you are tying the knot, making you wonder when your time will come. This can cloud your judgement, perhaps causing you to rush into an unsuitable relationship, or lead you to make excuses; that the person you’re certain isn’t the one, may actually not be “that bad”.

You may even think that your standards are too high, that perhaps lowering them a bit, may actually help lead you closer to walking down that isle, but walking down the isle isn’t a race. The decision of choosing the person to spend the rest of your life with shouldn’t be taken lightly. Settling with someone whom you know isn’t suitable just for the sake of being coupled up, or not wanting to be alone, or for the fear of never finding the right person, can come at a great cost.

We may settle in various aspects of our lives, even when we don’t intend to.

For example:

  • We  may settle at a job we hate for years because we fear being jobless.
  • We may settle for things that don’t truly make us happy solely to please others.
  • We may settle for an unhealthy lifestyle because we lack the effort and will to do better.
  • We may settle for an ideal that is not our own so we can “keep up with the Joneses.”
  • We also may choose to settle with a person that is not equally yolked, but who we expect to spend the rest of our lives with and just imagine how difficult that will be.

Settling results in a life unfulfilled, causing us to miss our greatest potential.

Scripture states “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

When approaching relationships it’s important to let go and let God, He knows what is best for us. If we accept what is not of God then we are being disobedient to His will for our lives, thus not allowing the best, which may come with great consequences such as divorce or passing on negative qualities to future generations to come. This can result in resentment and frustration.

Scripture also states “But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God” Romans 8 25-28.

The only way to receive the best for our lives, is to stop settling, and relationships are certainly no different.

 

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Home Single

5 Practical Ways to Encourage Yourself During Your Single Season

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Let me start by saying that there is nothing wrong with desiring to be married. However, it is important that you embrace every season of your life. If you are an unmarried person who desires to be married, sometimes those desires can get the best of you, especially when others around you are getting married. Here are a few practical ways to remain focused and encouraged while you wait for that special someone…

  1. Use Scripture

Scripture is always a dynamic way to combat thoughts that are unhealthy, worrisome, or overly exhaustive. Find scripture pertaining to trusting God and “waiting” on His timing. Meditating on Scripture daily will help shape your thought patterns. You will see soon become more focused and less distracted by “the wait.”

  1. Pray for Your Future Spouse

Protection, focus, prosperity, blessings, and the will of God for others’ lives are always great prayer targets. Never pray from a place of your desires; rather, learn to pray the desires of God for your future spouse. If you’re single, more than likely you’re not sure who your future spouse is; therefore, keeping it general prevents you from crossing into forbidden territory – praying outside the will of God.

  1. Read Books

Invest in books that discuss singles and marriage preparation. Such books will help you work on yourself while you wait and will keep you focused on growing as an individual. If you are distracted by thoughts about when your time to get married will come, you will miss the most important part of your life before marriage… being single! There’s so much for you to learn right now!

  1. Listen to Uplifting Music

I suggest putting love songs on the back burner during your single season. Music has the tendency to make us “feel” whatever the lyrics are saying. Therefore, choose music that is encouraging and light; this way you have a better chance of not being overcome by the emotions of desiring a relationship.

  1. Write Letters of Encouragement to Yourself

When you feel overcome by the desire to be married, write letters about the type of spouse you would like to be. Write about your strengths and weaknesses. Ask God to reveal ways in which you can grow while you’re single and dedicate yourself to doing so. Letters and journals are also powerful tools that can encourage you during your season.
Always remember, there’s nothing wrong with desire, but don’t let your desires surpass your reality.
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Tips to be a 'Catcher' not a 'Chaser'

Dark-skinned man standing next to his offended wife with Afro haircut and crossed arms, man looking guilty, pointing finger at him, asking what he did wrong, trying to understand what happened to her

Ready for a bold statement?
We are a society that likes the chase more than the catch.
Please know this is a general statement, and that it doesn’t apply to everyone. But in my experiences, we seem to be a group of people that quite often is looking for ‘the next best thing’ and once we have that…we want something better. The benefit of this is that it can translate to having high standards and valuing excellence. The downfall is that it greatly challenges our contentment, and when applied to relationships can make commitment very difficult.
If you have found yourself in a cycle of being drawn to the ‘chase’ but not being able to settle, here are some tips to being a person that values the catch more than the process of getting there.
1. Identify 5-7 qualities in a future spouse that are non-negotiable.
Hopefully you’ll end up with your dream man/woman but they might not be that person the first day you meet them. Decide on a handful of qualities that are a deal breaker for a potential spouse, and allow those to determine who you do/don’t date. With the other qualities you’d like, tuck them away and don’t allow them to dictate whether or not a person is perfect for you. The Lord knows our desires and is more than capable of fulfilling them! Ideally we are constantly evolving into better versions of ourselves, so what you might be wanting may come with time if it’s not in place right away.
2. Understand that any relationship will take work, no matter who it’s with.
It seems that most people look for the next best thing when a relationship starts to become hard or the commitment is tested in some way. The reality is…the next relationship will reach that point too. And the next, and the next, and so on. You’re going to have to be okay with not feeling head-over-heels in love at all times with the person you’re with if you want a relationship that will last forever. However, the reward is great! Withstanding the difficult moments will lead to a stronger bond, deeper intimacy, and ultimately, a greater love for the person you’re with.
3.  Continually look for the good in the person you’re considering as a spouse instead of focusing on shortcomings.
If you don’t want to be a chaser your whole life, you’re going to have to be intentional about seeing the good in the person you’re with. Once you start caring more about their shortcomings than their unique strengths, you’ll easily be drawn to other prospects that don’t have the same weaknesses. (However – they’ll have a different set of weaknesses!)
4. Be present.
When you’re with the person you’re considering as a spouse, where is your mind? Are you thinking about the people/things around you? Are you on your phone? This person shouldn’t have to compete for your attention when you’re with them. It creates tension, and also can make you miss out on moments with him/her that build a foundation for a healthy relationship.
5. Be prayerful.
You don’t know your future, but you can talk to the One that does! If you’re given the green light on dating someone, then there may be an amazing opportunity ahead of you that requires action.
In an age where we have access to much yet little is required of us, being a “chaser” is an easy way to do life… but makes it difficult to truly find what you’re chasing after!

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Home Single

3 Things to Remind Yourself Everyday as a Single Christian

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1.You’re Not the Only One.
Social media has a way of making us think we are the only single Christian men and women left on planet Earth. There have been many occasions that I have logged on Facebook only to find that my friend was in a relationship or see someone has gotten engaged. Then of course, all the feelings come flooding in your mind. When it will be my turn? What’s wrong with me? I’m the only one left!
This isn’t true at all. The enemy tries to trick us into thinking that were are alone in our single season. Nope! There are many single Christian men and women, just like us. They are praying, waiting and hoping for the day to come that God reveals their spouse to them. Don’t become weary in this season because you’re not the only one.
2. God Knows Your Future
Often we start to grow impatient thinking that God has forgotten about us. He is blessing everyone else with a mate but we’re still single. We want God to reveal the future to us but it’s funny that He doesn’t give us all the details. What would be the point of trusting Him, if He told us everything? There would be no reason to stand strong on the word of God.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
Trust that God knows the future. He knows when He will manifest the blessing of you having a mate. Don’t give up on the promises of God. Mediate on His word, day and night. Know that your season is coming because God knows your future.
3. It’s not too late
Gosh! I hear this all the time. Maybe it’s too late for God to bless me with a mate. Maybe I messed up so bad in the past that this isn’t an option for me. This is all non-sense. It’s never too late for God to bless you with a mate. Age isn’t a factor. I’ve seen people get married in their mid-40’s and even some at the age of 60.
Your past doesn’t dictate your future blessings. Let go of the past! God is going to bless you with a mate in due season. Have you ever heard the saying: “He may not come when you want him but He’s right on time”. Exactly, it’s not too late, God’s is preparing the best for you!
 

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Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Dangers in Following Your Heart

People love to give the advice to follow your heart when pursuing a new relationship, but this is unbiblical. The word of God does not instruct us to follow our heart, but instead to guard it (Proverbs 4:23). Here are 3 dangers in following your heart.

  1. The Heart is Deceitful– Jeremiah 17:9 tells us “The heart is deceitful above all things. And it is extremely sick; Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?” If you are following a heart that is deceitful and sick will it give you the truth or perspective you need in order to make healthy choices and decisions and to obey God? Absolutely not! Your heart will attempt to fulfill its own desires and is not concerned about the casualties created as a result of its selfish pursuit.

 

  1. The Heart is Void of Wisdom– Proverbs 28:26 informs us that fools trust in their own heart but there is safety for those who walk in wisdom. This scripture indicates there is no wisdom or safety found in trusting in or following our own heart. Our own hearts can mislead and misguide us. When we allow the painful memories from past relationships to become embedded in the memory of our heart, it becomes a source of false wisdom and counsel in new relationship experiences.

 

  1. The Heart is Inconsistent and Emotional– Another danger in following your heart is based on the season you are enduring in your life, your heart will lead you based on its emotional state. The problem with this is when we are led by our emotions we do not have an accurate perspective of our situation and if we are led by our emotions we are not being led by the truth of God. Have you ever witnessed a woman make a vow to her husband and God that she will love, honor, respect and be faithful to him for the rest of her life….then in a challenging season when she feels he does not understand her, she confides in and gives her heart to another man who seems to be more understanding than her husband? The emotions of her heart have deceived her into believing it is acceptable and justifiable to break covenant with her husband to connect to another man who understands her. Instead of guarding her heart during this vulnerable season, she chose to allow the emotions of it to guide her. Relationships have been ruined because people chose to follow their own heart and not God’s heart or will.

The next time someone tells you to follow your heart do yourself a favor and tell them no thanks; I would rather follow God’s heart! He will never lead me astray and cannot fail me!

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Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Keys to Entering Your Next Relationship

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Key 1 – God’s Timing is Right
Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven-”
I am a firm believer in the times and seasons the Bible refers to. It is so important that you don’t move outside of God’s timing, and this applies to relationships as well. Moving at your own pace and not God’s pace or the direction of His will can cause damaging circumstances to develop.
For example, a potentially good relationship may not work out if it comes into existence prematurely. Yes, I said it! Moving outside of God’s timing can cause a blessing to turn into a curse.
Let’s say you feel fully prepared to be in a relationship but God knows you still hold a bit of unforgiveness in your heart towards your ex. More than likely, God isn’t going to open the door to a new relationship until that area of yourself has completely healed.
Why? Because you will certainly make it very hard for a new relationship to flourish if, by way of unforgiveness, your heart is still connected to your last relationship. You see, God knows and sees what we don’t know and see. It’s better to trust Him than to move outside of His plan and timing.
Key 2 – Don’t Force It
Proverbs 19:21 “Many plans are in a man’s mind, But it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand (be carried out).”
One thing I’ve learned throughout my life is to never force anything. Hence the popular saying “If the shoe fits, wear it,” but I say, “If the shoes doesn’t fit, DON’T wear it.” I like to apply this principle to relationships as well; forcing something “to be” that has “this is not the one for you” written all over it is only going to damage you as a person.
There’s the possibility of feeling rejected or becoming brokenhearted. Certain insecurities can form if the person you’re forcing a relationship with is interested in someone else. It is even possible that you may feel unimportant or as though you’re not a priority.
I know this person may have all the qualities listed on your list, but if God says “no,” it’s a no. If the relationship has more exhausting days than joyful days, you’re probably staying in something that is simply not for you.
If you’re one who is forcing a relationship to work when you know deep down in your heart that it’s time to move on and let go, pray and ask God for clarity.
Key 3 – Prepare Yourself
Proverbs 24:27 “Prepare your work outside and get it ready for yourself in the field; afterward build your house and establish a home.”
A very wise person prepares themselves for future seasons of life. Marriage is serious, and dating/courting is the first phase in determining whom you will marry. Therefore, it’s important that you prepare not only for marriage, but for your dating/courting season as well.
Preparation should include understanding what boundaries are, how to overcome temptation (which will come), how to identity red flags, what is permissible in a relationship and what simply is not. All these things plus more are important to know about before you let yourself enter a relationship.
Most people prepare only for marriage and forget the important phase of dating/courting that comes before it.
Always remember these three pointers – Timing, Don’t Force it, and Prepare!
Raven