Category: Single

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Dating/Courting Single

Punk'd!

Dating couple tourists eating waffles on date enjoying food snack. Romantic man and woman laughing having fun outdoors. Multiracial couple, Young Caucasian man and Asian woman.

by Joy Oguntimein
How cool would it have been to be Ashton Kutcher walking into the tent shouting “You just got punkd!”  the morning Jacob woke up and realized he married Leah and not Rachel. That ‘lil love bird got played!!
 
Some of us are punking our future spouses. It’s been months since the first date, yet we’re still only allowing the other person to see a version of us that’s been cropped, edited, and filtered.  We hide any evidence of our imperfections so we can earn the “married” badge.
 
Honey, lean in for some truth. We can’t live life in bondage, afraid of people not liking the real us. If we are going to have any real happy, in our happily ever after stories, then we need to practice being real in our relationships now, with our family and friends. 
 
One of the most important things you can do in your marriage-Be Yourself!  Being yourself is a habit developed over time; not magically when you say I do. Here are a few tips for being your authentic self:
 
 1. Be Authentic.  DUH!  Yes, start here.  Start by being honest about what you like, what you don’t like, what you value, and how you’re feeling.
While we all have an innate desire to be accepted and loved by others, we need to belong in communities that value us and our unique contribution. If people only want to accept the person you pretend to be, then they are not accepting you. 
 2. Be grateful for the amazing and unique being you are.  Be open about your faults and weaknesses.
When we present a facade of who we are, we don’t give people the opportunity to love us completely. Your future partner can’t connect with you if they can’t see the real you. Don’t get caught up trying to be someone else that you forget how special you are, flaws and all.
 3. Be courageous enough to be vulnerable.  Whether a parent, sibling, prayer partner, etc.  you need at least one person (preferably 2) you can be vulnerable with.
We should invest in the relationships that allow us to share both our pleasure and pain.  Let’s invest in the people who are open to seeing the behind the scenes footage, not just the highlight reels posted on Instagram.  We need intentional, genuine, and consistent community that comes through being ourselves.
Want real love?  Then bring the real you to the relationship. To find, keep, and build a lasting love,  be you.  Free yourself and rest in the truth that you’re loved by Jesus, with all your brokenness, gifts, flaws, positive traits, and weirdness.
 
Unless you’re a professional actor/actress, you will not win an Academy or Emmy for impressing other people with your ability to be someone besides yourself.  This is real life, not a reality TV show.  So, let’s stop faking, and be the real, authentic people God has created us to be.  When you do, you’ll be building a foundation for a strong, healthy relationship.1

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Christian but Not a Virgin: Am I Damaged Goods?

Portrait of young african american looking through a window.

The Church taught me at an early age “SEX IS A SIN”!!!! Quite frankly I grew up thinking SEX was the “sinniest sin” of all sins! There was no turning back, purity was the only way! Once you lost it, you couldn’t get it back. Sure, you could claim to be a “born again virgin” but at the end of the day… you were no longer a “Virgin”. I can only speak for myself when I say I felt like “damaged goods” after giving myself to someone who CLEARLY wasn’t worthy.
Let’s fast forward to when I rededicated my life to Christ, finally waking up and smelling the roses. Kicking it with a group of friends, one who I looked up to said “Are there no Christian Girls in Chicago who are a Virgin, I don’t want a girlfriend someone else had”. Although that statement was not directed toward me, I was apart of the population of girls who fit into that “category”. I, for some reason, internalized his statement and thought, “no real Christian guy will ever want me”. While my friend meant no harm, his statement reinforced the idea that “non-virgins” were damaged goods. It played on my self esteem for quite sometime, until one day I was reminded of who I am in CHRIST.
With all of that being said I’m here to remind you…. YOU ARE NOT…DAMAGED GOODS! While sex is a sin that comes with many lurking consequences (like every other sin), it doesn’t define who you are, who you’ll be, nor where you’re headed in life! Many of us can quote 2 Corinthians 5:17 verbatim, [(NLT) this means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!]. But how many of us allow those words to penetrate our hearts? I know I didn’t.
Beyond the fact that we are NEW CREATURES, God has already forgiven you and forgotten about your imperfect past. Don’t believe me? Check this out “Isaiah 43:25 “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”The bible lets us know we have not only been forgiven of our sins, but they have been forgotten and we are brand NEW! Typically, nothing new is considered damaged goods (just saying).
Here’s a word of encouragement, stop letting your thoughts (and others for that matter) rob you of your new identity in Christ! If God has forgotten about it, why in the world would you allow anyone else to hang it over your head! YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! God has so much in store for you! You, my love, will reap the benefits of making a decision to live your life for Christ! Your past wont invade your future…wait…what past? God forgot all about that. I write these things to you because it’s what I wish someone would have shared with me in my season of feeling like “damaged goods”.
Here’s to an amazing future spent accomplishing all that God has for you, to acquiring the desires of your heart (including marriage and children), and taking nothing from the past but the lesson(s) that were gained. From one princess to another, you are ROYALTY, NOT DAMAGED GOODS (1 Peter 2:9)!
With Love,
Shannon Colar

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Home Single

How Long Will I Be Single?

Black woman crying outdoors

Would you be surprised if I told you that every single person that desires a mate, ponders this question? I pondered this question often. I grew frustrated, anxious, and sometimes concerned. I just wondered if God had a mate in the plans for my life. Can I let I let you in on a secret? I have discovered that one of the greatest gifts that God develops within us while we are single is the gift of patience.
I was a very impatient person. I wanted everything right then. I hated waiting on things, people and even results. I needed everything quick, fast and in a hurry.
So when God requested that I stop dating my way and trust His way, I often grew impatient with the process. What I found so amazing about my single season is that God didn’t share with me how long I would be single.
But if God would have told me, there would be no reason for me to trust in His word. I had to trust in God and know that the plans that He had for me would not harm me but give me a hope and a future. I had to allow God to teach me and even lead me through my season of singleness.
I would often become anxious about being single because I would look at others around me who were getting engaged or married. There were times that I was envious of others relationships. I wanted to go ahead of God and make things happen on my own. But God would stop me in my tracks and remind to wait on Him because it would be so worth it.
I hear singles all time saying “How long will I be single?” Although it’s a valid question. It’s also is a question that reflects that we are growing impatient in the process of waiting on God. I think often we view our season of being single as an affliction, when in actuality it’s a blessing to be single. It’s a gift from God.
Now that I’m married, I realize that God was preparing me for what was to come. I had to learn how to be patient, so that I could be patient with my husband. Patience is not always developed for relationships but the many trials that may come our way in the future.
By embracing the gift of patience God blessed with an amazing husband. I’ve even learned how to be patient in those dry seasons of my life.
I encourage my single sisters and brothers to patiently wait on the Lord. Yes, I know it can be a tough season. But I want to let you know that it’s so worth it to patiently wait on God to bless you with your mate.

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Single Women Should Pursue

A woman with clasped hands looking up.

I use to be the woman that would pursue men for a relationship. I would call them and make it known that I wanted to date them. Of course, they said YES. Not long after I would see that I was the one doing all the pursuing, footing the bill, and still lonely. Just to show the world I had a man. I settled for less because I couldn’t see how blessed I really was.
I was in a vulnerable place because I didn’t truly know my identity. I was longing from something from these men that they couldn’t give me. In the process I was left wide open and allowed men to be plugged into me that shouldn’t have been.
I allowed these men to be plugged into me emotionally, spiritually and sexually.  They were draining my power. Because I wasn’t grounded in the word of God at the time , I was dying. They were taking all my energy.
I shared that to say, single women should pursue God only. Never purse a man. As you can see in my case of pursuing a man it caused me to die in the process.
We as godly women are in covenant relationship with God. He covers us as we pursue Him daily. The purpose we have on the inside of us has to be covered by God so that no one can tamper with it.
If that man is for you, God will reveal it to the both of you. That man will also have to pursue God to find you. While you are both pursing God, there you will be positioned to be found.
As I was in my single season, I learned how to pursue God. One day, I saw this young man at church that I admired from afar. I wanted to pursue him so bad because that was what I did. I remember God telling me I could no longer pursue men. It would all happen in his timing. So of course, I waited on God.
That young man actually pursued me and continued to pursue me while were courting. That man is now my husband.
God revealed this to me: if we would have pursued each other and left God out of the process, all the glory would belong to us and not God. As we both pursued God, He was able to get all the glory for bringing us together as one.
Single women should pursue God. Everything else will work out in your favor.
 

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Dating/Courting Home Single

What Does Love Really Have to Do with It?

I bet your wondering what in the world can this blog post be about? What does she mean by “what does love have to do with it?”
 
Well, in a society and generation that has completely contaminated the meaning of LOVE, I thought it would be best to do some clarifying.Most people don’t have a clue what love is. They want to rush into relationships based on commonality, attraction, or a “feeling.” But, those three things literally have nothing to do with love.
We began to lose the war of the true meaning of love when people started making it into a fantasy and removing the reality.When people wanted to take the easy way out rather than learning to endure, because where there is love there is endurance.When people wanted to allow their desires to run wild instead of committing and remaining faithful, with love there is commitment.
 
You see, this awful cycle and contamination started YEARS ago, but as an agent of Christ my objective is to correct what’s been tainted.
Let’s compare Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary definition of love with the Bible’s definition of love.
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines love as “a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire; or affection and tenderness felt by lovers.”
Well, let me ask you this… What happens when those affections die down? What happens when sex isn’t enough anymore? What happens when you don’t feel loved or want to love anymore?
Here’s the problem, love can’t be narrowed down to such a simplistic feeling or desire in the moment. Let’s be honest, desires and feelings change like the wind for some people, and the truth is, love remains. This is why it can’t be considered a feeling or a desire.
The Bible defines love as a decision that is made through every situation, circumstance, obstacle, uncertainty, commitment, and overall life event.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 it says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.”
If you’re going to love someone in a relationship context, understand that love is not just a word to throw back and forth, but there are real decisions that have to be made each day in order to truly love someone.
So, what does love really have to do with it? It has EVERYTHING to do with it! After reading this post, I suggest you take some time to ask yourself, “have I contaminated the REAL meaning of LOVE?” It’s not too late to make some changes. Now that you have this information, what are you going to do with it?

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Communication Home Single

5 Signs That He Is Into You

married couple talking while having a breakfast time outdoors

We all know the age old saying “Men Are From Mars and Women are From Venus” which basically symbolizes how different the sexes are, and it couldn’t be more true. It’s far easier for me to communicate and understand the emotional cues of my female friends than of my male friends. Which could be due to obvious reasons; given that I am a female myself, but these differences really attribute to why relationships take work. Men and women assess, communicate and deal with things differently. I can’t recall how often I’ve had conversations with my girlfriends about whether or not a guy is into them. And after having several of these “deep, philosophical, analytical talks,” and coming down to the root of the problem, along with personal experiences  of my own; I’ve come to realize, that men are not that complex, and that is no offense to men, but a relief for women. Here are some ways to tell if a guy is into you.
1.  He Initiates Conversation– We live in a day where communication is readily at our fingertips; literally. Regardless of how busy we are, we check our phones multiple times a day. If a guy is into you he won’t leave you hanging for hours after you’ve texted him, or go several days without texting/calling you. We are never too busy to make time for the things we care about.
 
2.  He Tells People About You- If a guy is into you he will mention you to his family and friends. We like to talk about the good things that are happening in our lives, and if you mean something to him, and he sees a potential future, he will let the people in his life know.
 
3.  He Treats You Like You Matter- If he makes you a priority by taking you out  or doing the thoughtful things that make you feel like you’re special to him, then he is into you.
 
 4. He Compliments You- I don’t mean just complimenting your physical traits, but complimenting your mind and other qualities you possess, and showing genuine interest in your passions, talents and hobbies.
 
 5. He Tells You He’s Into You- A mature man isn’t afraid to tell you how he feels about you. And even if he doesn’t, if it has been some time of getting to know each other then it should be pretty obvious, and you should feel confident about how he feels towards you. Basically put, if a man is into you… you will know.

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Home Single

A Prayer for Singles

girl praying with her bible on table

I want to pray for us today.
I want to pray for the season that we’re in, whether we’re happy or unhappy about it. Prayer is needful.
Lord we thank you for this time in our lives
We don’t take a single moment in this season for granted
We celebrate those around us that have found love
Keep our hearts pure
Keep our thoughts pure
So, that we won’t allow jealousy, envy or bitterness to take root in our hearts
Help us to use this season to chase boldly after our purpose
To learn more about our identities in you
To learn more about your love for us
So, that your love for us can set the standard on how we should be loved
And set the standard on how we should give love
May our hearts be so intertwined with your love in this season that we crave it more than we crave anything else
Show us more of yourself and shape our lives to reveal your glory
Reveal how much bigger  and more beautiful you are than our desire for marriage
Satisfy us so fully that we never look to anyone else to make us happy
Help us to understand that there is an appointed time for everything
And to everything its own season
May we understand that you are committed to giving us what’s best for us when it’s best for us
You want to give us love
You said in your word that you wouldn’t withhold any good thing from your children
And we are your children
And while we know that you are such a good Father that you want to give us the desires of our heart
Help us not to make our desire for marriage an idol
Liberate us from the world’s standards that say we should be married by a certain age
Keep us from conforming to the world around us
Jesus, we declare that You alone are our prize, You are our portion and in this season, we will enjoy YOU, all of YOU.
We pray this prayer in Jesus Name

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Single

The Real Reason You're Still Single

Pensive pretty young woman in blue shirt sitting and thinking in cafe

As millennials, it seems we are trying to find the “sweet spot” – the age where you’re not too young to get married and sucking the fun out of your twenties, claiming responsibility, and the age where you suddenly look around and now all your friends are married and starting to have babies. We are trying to navigate through a changing phase of life, and hoping we don’t get left behind in the process. Dating, but casually – not pursuing anything TOO serious, because marriage is a big commitment, but complaining when we don’t have anyone. Seems silly when you spell it out, right? Here are some reasons you are still finding yourself in the single state.
 
Too Prideful to Try Online Dating
When it comes to dating, you don’t mind dabbling in the free apps, but you refuse to sign up for a dating program that costs, as if it screams desperation or shows embarrassment. Stop caring about what other people think! If you are looking to find someone to seriously consider spending your life with, WHY NOT pay for an online dating service? To me, the fact that someone is willing to invest their time/money into the possibility of love shows a greater level of commitment and serious pursuit, and we aren’t even dating yet! Not to mention, there is a good chance you may find more quality individuals than others where creeps have such easy access. Yes, you may spot anomalies either way – a great guy on a free app, or a creep on a paid one, but with dating profiles that match you on sites like eHarmony, you may have a better turnout.
 
You Get Discouraged Too Easily
You finally talk yourself into going on a date with someone you have been talking to you, it seems to go well, and they ghost you. Wait – what? Did I miss something? I thought we had a great time. If you are on the receiving end of the “ghosting,” roll it off. If that is the kind of person they are, it’s probably best you aren’t wasting any more time! Don’t let someone’s personality faults affect your self-worth and self-confidence. A part of seeking out love is vulnerability and risk-taking; you have to take chances, for the possibility of a great reward in a fulfilling relationship. You may try and some relationships will probably fail, but when you find the one that works for both of you, your journey will be worth it.
 
You Give Up Too Quickly
For my friends that do go on dates whether a blind date, tinder dates, bumble dates, first dates, it seems they all give it one to two times in person and decide whether or not they are “feeling it.” Too often it seems millennials are expecting a magical feeling of connection that will let them know they could really fall for this one! Today, I want to challenge the way you view love. Love is a choice. Did you know the global divorce rate of arranged marriages is only 6%?! And often those individuals don’t have a choice. If we decided every day that we were going to CHOOSE to love this person, you could fall in love with anybody.
That being said, if you find someone that meets your non-negotiables from a standard perspective: loves God, wants kids, has a steady job, gets along with family, or whatever your criteria may be (not the tall, dark, handsome, physical qualities), give the guy a CHANCE! Too often I see women giving up over silly reasons and then complaining that there are no good guys out there!
Is it that there are no good guys, or the good guys aren’t meeting your unrealistic expectations?
 
You Don’t Want Anything Too Serious (at least not yet)
Why millennials choose to date, but don’t want to think about marriage is something I may never understand. The idea of emotionally connecting myself to an individual only to have them waste my time and walk away broken-hearted sounds absolutely PAINFUL. Choosing to be serious about a relationship doesn’t mean you have to be ready for marriage tomorrow OR get married next year, and that is completely okay! My challenge to you would be to relationship check at the door. If this person doesn’t have qualities of someone you would consider marrying, or you can’t see yourself with them long-term, don’t waste your time. It’s okay to date to find what you like, but be careful of how long you allow it to go on. Be intentional about finding a spouse, you never know how long (or short) it may take for you to really connect with someone you could see yourself with.

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Single

3 Traits of the Bitter, Single Friend

Portrait of angry woman standing with arms folded on gray background

by Joy Oguntimein
You’ve seen the post before.  You know the, “Why do people feel the need to plaster their love everywhere?”, “I give that relationship [X] months.” or “A lot of people in relationships are just afraid to be alone.””
 
Now if you’ve seen these because you’ve posted them, then there is a possibility that you’re becoming the bitter single friend. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.  I’ve been there.
 
We want to celebrate romance, but we’re baffled about how that one friend who everyone knows is selfish and arrogant is getting married next month?!?! We’ve followed all the “rules” of how to find your BoRu (Boaz +Ruth), yet here we are: single and on the verge of, or already entrapped in, bitterness. 
 
Here’s the thing, we’ve got to identify signs of bitterness and address them before we become Trump’s “US Secretary of Relationship Cynicism”. So what are the signs of a budding bitter, single friend?  
 

  1. One cannot be happy for anyone; not even Uncle Barack and Aunty Michelle.

 
An obvious sign of a bitter single friend: the person does not celebrate other’s happiness.  This person constantly criticizes and speaks doom. 
 
We don’t have to swoon over every happy couple that we see or lie about red flags in the relationship.  But we shouldn’t denounce a relationship out of secret envy. We can learn from other people’s relationship some practices that may help us have a healthy and happy relationship. 
 

  1. One draws attention to his/her relationship status.

 
A bitter single friend seizes every opportunity to broadcast he/she is single. The conversation is about the ark. The friend jumps in saying, “I would’ve drowned because I’m #foreversingle. I wouldn’t have found someone to go marching 2×2 with into the ark.”
 
We do not have to broadcast our singleness. We are not defined by our relationship status. Let’s bring more attention to our character, and God-given gifts. 
 

  1. One boycotts Valentine’s Day and all things romantic.

 
No one is interested in reading the thesis on how Valentine’s Day is a fictitious holiday created to benefit retail manufacturers.
 
On Valentine’s Day, instead of posting a 100 line rant on Facebook (that no one will read), we can love ourselves and someone else. Take a widow or a foster child to the movies.  Tell ourselves (and the homeless person we’ve ignored) that we’re loved, valuable, and treasured.
 
Before you can hope to have a successful relationship, you have to uproot that bitter root.  If you don’t, bitterness will keep growing, producing a harvest of pain for you and the people in your world.  Precious moments of joy will be stolen. Worst of all the bitterness will not magically disappear when you find someone and get married. Instead of single and bitter, you’ll be married, discontent, and bitter. 
 
Nip bitterness in the bud. And remember, “All things in their due season.” God’s got you boo.  Relax, trust Him, and  #beJOYful!

 
Joy Oguntimein is a speaker, writer, educator, and consultant,  She lives by the motto Jesus. Others. You.  She believes if you live life following Jesus, walking with others, and being authentically you, then you’ll thrive and #beJOYful through life’s expected and unexpected pivotal moments. Her desire is to cure basic-ness by stirring up the gifts and treasures within others. Joy is a Jesus loving, trouble making lady.
 

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Dating/Courting Single

3 Things To Consider In Your Next Relationship (Ladies' Edition)

Confident young woman standing on an urban rooftop daydreaming with her arms folded backlit by the bright flare of the rising sun

by Habiba Abudu

Before entering a serious relationship, one must be whole. Not in a superficial way. You will never be 100 percent perfect when entering a relationship, however, it is important to consider these 3 factors in order to avoid issues in your relationship. 

  1. Father Issues

If you did not grow up with a father you may look to your partner as a means to appease any rejection or loss you had. No doubt, fathers play a significant role in a child’s upbringing and not having one can lead you to looking for affirmation elsewhere. Having a strong father would make you more secure in yourself and less susceptible to compromising your values for a “random”. If you think it’s not true, look how Tom Brady teared up when he mentioned how his dad was his hero. When men know that you seek them for affirmation they can manipulate you. You can also compare your partner to other men who have mistreated you. You have to get rid of that mentality and see your partner the way Christ sees him. 

If you do not have a father – look towards your heavenly Father for He is better than any man you can have. People will fail you. Your friends and family will fail you. Jesus will never fail you. Once you realize that, you won’t go to someone for affirmation

 2. Insecurities

There will always be someone who is skinnier, prettier, smarter and funnier than you. If you are always comparing yourself to the next person, you will always feel insignificant. Subsequently, when you enter a relationship, you will struggle with doubts. You may constantly question whether or not your man will leave you once he finds someone better. Once again, seek God. His thoughts toward you exceed rubies. There is nothing wrong with working out and eating well. But you may never be satisfied unless you find peace with who God made you to be. Be still and at peace. 

Deal with insecurities. Decades of hurt  seemingly buried and forgotten can manifest itself in unexpected ways. Journal your hurts and let God heal you. Talk to someone. Pray. Don’t expect deep rooted hurts to be gone over night. Sometimes, it takes time and a process of healing and restoration. It’s okay to be open with your insecurities. Individuals often put a facade of being okay when it’s quite the contrary. The world is full of broken people. God rejoices in our weakness because He is our strength in our weakness.

3.   Fear of rejection/failure 

Perhaps you experienced a lot of rejection in your life. You weren’t the popular kid at school.  Or you failed at multiple things. Everyone’s failed at something. We are too focused on perfectionism. So maybe once you enter a relationship you already foresee failure on the horizon. You are hesitant to become close to your significant other because you think he will reject you once you mess up. Or you are scared he will see your true colors and want to leave. Grace says that we can mess up. If your partner really loves you, he will accept you flaws and all. 

Failure is apart of life. Failure, when looked at correctly, can be a learning experience. Fear of failure can lead to fear of taking risks or of opening up. God wants you to walk on water. He wants you to take risks. In Him, you are loved. And God works everything for good, so perceived failure/setbacks in Christ will be for your betterment.

Habiba Abudu is a writer based in Toronto, Canada. She loves writing, exploring and eating good food. You can find her at www.habibaabudu.com, www.facebook.com/habibadoesthings , on Instagram @therealhabibaabudu, stay tuned for “Tickle Me Fancy”