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Single

Why It's Important to be Deeply Rooted In God Before Entering a Relationship

Interview by Habiba Abudu
 

Habiba Abudu had the pleasure of interviewing Sopha Rush, who is inspiring thousands of women with her Instagram(@livedeeplyrooted), Youtube (livedeeplyrooted) and Blog (livedeeplyrooted.blogspot.ca). Rush emphasizes the fact that it’s most important to have a relationship with God before starting one with a man. Her life is a testament of God’s faithfulness as she served God diligently before meeting her husband, Anthony Rush, in college. Currently, Rush works with foster children in St. Joe’s Children’s Home in Louisville, Kentucky. Aiming for the top, Sopha has a passion for mentoring the younger generation and is constantly pursuing new endeavors. 
Habiba Abudu (HA) : You often discuss your prolonged singleness in order to marry the person God has for you. Why was that important to you and what kept you focused during that season of your life ?
Sopha Rush (SR): During my season of singleness, I promised myself that I would not jump into a relationship with just anyone. Trying to force something that God didn’t put together. I knew I wanted my next relationship to be my last so I was in no rush to start dating.  After my last
relationship (before meeting Anthony), I wanted to make sure that my relationship with God, was not put on the “back burner”. I wanted to make sure I was confident in who I was in Christ. If my relationship with God was not right, how would He honor me and my desires? I had to get my priorities straight which is what I did during my singleness and I don’t regret the wait one bit.
 Live Deeply Rooted 2
HA: On your social media feed you emphasize self – love. Were you always assured of yourself and what has helped you become confident in yourself ?
SR: Yes, I speak highly of self love. If you don’t fully love yourself, how do you expect to know what you truly deserve? Was I always assured of myself? No, not at all. That’s the beauty of the journey. Discovering who you are and learning more about yourself. What helped me become more confident in myself was understanding where my worth comes from. Knowing God’s truth about who I am, made me love myself (as a daughter of His). For He sees me as royalty and because of that, I am confident in who I am.
sophashoes
HA : What are some things you wish you knew, now that you are married?
SR : Well, this is a funny question to me. I don’t really think you can ever be prepared for marriage. It’s all a learning process. Before marriage, we both attended pre-marriage counseling. (Despite attending counseling) we still had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. It’s a beautiful thing, being married, but it’s requires work, effort, and commitment. It takes two to make a marriage successful. Of course, we are human so we fail
and disappoint each other at times. But, we forgive each other. A lot of grace and patience keeps us sane. I don’t wish I would have known anything before I got married because we both have learned so much along the way…just growing together every day.
inspiresopha
HA : Has being multi – raced ever been a source of discomfort for you? How do you embrace both cultures?
SR : Yes, I am indeed bi-racial. I like to think of myself as a melting pot. My mom is half Cambodian, half Thai. My dad is black and white. When I was in high school, I experienced discomfort in embracing my differences. I attended a predominately white school so there weren’t a lot of people that looked like me. I tried to mask a lot of who I was because I had no one to show me that being different was okay. It wasn’t until college that I learned how to truly love myself. After I embraced my uniqueness, I was so in love with the way God made me. I stopped trying to be like everyone else. I loved me for me! Of course, it’s a continual process of learning new ways to love myself.
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HA : What are some long – term goals that you have for yourself ?
SR: I have so many long term goals I would love to accomplish! A few include : starting a family with my husband, becoming debt free by 2018, buying our first home together. I am currently working on a book that I would love to get published in the next year. Also, being able to travel with my husband to a new country. I would love to become an entrepreneur by the age of 30. These are just a few of my goals, I have so many.
godisdope
HA : Why was purity important to you? How did you and your spouse maintain a high standard of purity?
SR : My purity was important to me because I made a vow between God and I, that I wanted to save myself for marriage. I wanted to give a gift
to my husband that was only for him. Purity was important to him, because he knew how much it meant to me. My husband wasn’t a virgin when we met, but because he respected me, he waited 3.5 years until we got married. He protected me and loved me enough to wait – that spoke volumes to me. In order to keep a high standard of purity, we had to set boundaries and keep in the forefront of our minds that the end goal was marriage. We had to stop kissing (tragic I know) and set limits on how late we could see each other. It was so hard, but man was it worth it. He was worth it.
sopharush
Habiba Abudu is a writer based in Toronto, Canada. She loves writing, exploring and eating good food. You can find her at www.habibaabudu.com, www.facebook.com/habibadoesthings, on Instagram @therealhabibaabudu. Stay tuned for Tickle Me Fancy.

Categories
Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

3 Habits to Maintain Integrity In Your Marriage

Beautiful young couple is talking and smiling while sitting on sofa at home. Man is holding a cup

So what does it mean to be a man or woman of integrity?  The meaning of integrity comes from the Latin adjective ‘integer’, which means “soundness or wholeness.” This translates to husbands and wives being honest and having strong godly principles.  When integrity is present in your marriage, there is an alignment between your relationship with God and actions towards your spouse. Here are some simple habits that can help you maintain integrity in your marriage:

1. Be Trustworthy. 2 Corinthians 4:2 says that “we refuse to wear masks and play games. We don’t maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don’t twist God’s Word to suit ourselves.  Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open.” In marriage, integrity proves your motives and opens the door to cultivating trust. Being authentic and trustworthy is the key ingredient to building love and respect between you and your spouse. Building integrity is a plus because it creates a determination for you and spouse to stick to godly standards, even when it’s hard or not a popular stance.

2. Live Your Values. What are your core values? Do your motivating factors in your marriage match God’s principles? Are you the same person in private as you are in public? Proverbs 11:3 says that “the integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” These are questions to consider because your values affect your marriage. What we do in private reflects our heart’s condition.  Holding yourself accountable, developing sound values, and communicating those values will speak volumes of your integrity in your marriage. Remember, living out your godly values is key to walking the talk of integrity.

3. Protect Your Marriage.  Integrity protects the health of your marriage, where your spouse gains confidence in the consistency of your integrity and behavior. However, when the integrity of your marriage is compromised, it can create a threat to the success of your marriage that damages the climate of trust in your marriage. Husbands and wives protect their marriage by maintaining a willingness to share their deepest feelings, desires, concerns, and hurts.

God is glorified and delighted as we pursue integrity.  The value of maintaining integrity in your marriage is important because it is the glue that holds you and your spouse together. Using these simple habits in tandem with continued development of godly character, will help you maximize integrity for marital growth.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Punk'd!

Dating couple tourists eating waffles on date enjoying food snack. Romantic man and woman laughing having fun outdoors. Multiracial couple, Young Caucasian man and Asian woman.

by Joy Oguntimein
How cool would it have been to be Ashton Kutcher walking into the tent shouting “You just got punkd!”  the morning Jacob woke up and realized he married Leah and not Rachel. That ‘lil love bird got played!!
 
Some of us are punking our future spouses. It’s been months since the first date, yet we’re still only allowing the other person to see a version of us that’s been cropped, edited, and filtered.  We hide any evidence of our imperfections so we can earn the “married” badge.
 
Honey, lean in for some truth. We can’t live life in bondage, afraid of people not liking the real us. If we are going to have any real happy, in our happily ever after stories, then we need to practice being real in our relationships now, with our family and friends. 
 
One of the most important things you can do in your marriage-Be Yourself!  Being yourself is a habit developed over time; not magically when you say I do. Here are a few tips for being your authentic self:
 
 1. Be Authentic.  DUH!  Yes, start here.  Start by being honest about what you like, what you don’t like, what you value, and how you’re feeling.
While we all have an innate desire to be accepted and loved by others, we need to belong in communities that value us and our unique contribution. If people only want to accept the person you pretend to be, then they are not accepting you. 
 2. Be grateful for the amazing and unique being you are.  Be open about your faults and weaknesses.
When we present a facade of who we are, we don’t give people the opportunity to love us completely. Your future partner can’t connect with you if they can’t see the real you. Don’t get caught up trying to be someone else that you forget how special you are, flaws and all.
 3. Be courageous enough to be vulnerable.  Whether a parent, sibling, prayer partner, etc.  you need at least one person (preferably 2) you can be vulnerable with.
We should invest in the relationships that allow us to share both our pleasure and pain.  Let’s invest in the people who are open to seeing the behind the scenes footage, not just the highlight reels posted on Instagram.  We need intentional, genuine, and consistent community that comes through being ourselves.
Want real love?  Then bring the real you to the relationship. To find, keep, and build a lasting love,  be you.  Free yourself and rest in the truth that you’re loved by Jesus, with all your brokenness, gifts, flaws, positive traits, and weirdness.
 
Unless you’re a professional actor/actress, you will not win an Academy or Emmy for impressing other people with your ability to be someone besides yourself.  This is real life, not a reality TV show.  So, let’s stop faking, and be the real, authentic people God has created us to be.  When you do, you’ll be building a foundation for a strong, healthy relationship.1

Categories
Home Single

Christian but Not a Virgin: Am I Damaged Goods?

Portrait of young african american looking through a window.

The Church taught me at an early age “SEX IS A SIN”!!!! Quite frankly I grew up thinking SEX was the “sinniest sin” of all sins! There was no turning back, purity was the only way! Once you lost it, you couldn’t get it back. Sure, you could claim to be a “born again virgin” but at the end of the day… you were no longer a “Virgin”. I can only speak for myself when I say I felt like “damaged goods” after giving myself to someone who CLEARLY wasn’t worthy.
Let’s fast forward to when I rededicated my life to Christ, finally waking up and smelling the roses. Kicking it with a group of friends, one who I looked up to said “Are there no Christian Girls in Chicago who are a Virgin, I don’t want a girlfriend someone else had”. Although that statement was not directed toward me, I was apart of the population of girls who fit into that “category”. I, for some reason, internalized his statement and thought, “no real Christian guy will ever want me”. While my friend meant no harm, his statement reinforced the idea that “non-virgins” were damaged goods. It played on my self esteem for quite sometime, until one day I was reminded of who I am in CHRIST.
With all of that being said I’m here to remind you…. YOU ARE NOT…DAMAGED GOODS! While sex is a sin that comes with many lurking consequences (like every other sin), it doesn’t define who you are, who you’ll be, nor where you’re headed in life! Many of us can quote 2 Corinthians 5:17 verbatim, [(NLT) this means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!]. But how many of us allow those words to penetrate our hearts? I know I didn’t.
Beyond the fact that we are NEW CREATURES, God has already forgiven you and forgotten about your imperfect past. Don’t believe me? Check this out “Isaiah 43:25 “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”The bible lets us know we have not only been forgiven of our sins, but they have been forgotten and we are brand NEW! Typically, nothing new is considered damaged goods (just saying).
Here’s a word of encouragement, stop letting your thoughts (and others for that matter) rob you of your new identity in Christ! If God has forgotten about it, why in the world would you allow anyone else to hang it over your head! YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! God has so much in store for you! You, my love, will reap the benefits of making a decision to live your life for Christ! Your past wont invade your future…wait…what past? God forgot all about that. I write these things to you because it’s what I wish someone would have shared with me in my season of feeling like “damaged goods”.
Here’s to an amazing future spent accomplishing all that God has for you, to acquiring the desires of your heart (including marriage and children), and taking nothing from the past but the lesson(s) that were gained. From one princess to another, you are ROYALTY, NOT DAMAGED GOODS (1 Peter 2:9)!
With Love,
Shannon Colar

Categories
Home Single

How Long Will I Be Single?

Black woman crying outdoors

Would you be surprised if I told you that every single person that desires a mate, ponders this question? I pondered this question often. I grew frustrated, anxious, and sometimes concerned. I just wondered if God had a mate in the plans for my life. Can I let I let you in on a secret? I have discovered that one of the greatest gifts that God develops within us while we are single is the gift of patience.
I was a very impatient person. I wanted everything right then. I hated waiting on things, people and even results. I needed everything quick, fast and in a hurry.
So when God requested that I stop dating my way and trust His way, I often grew impatient with the process. What I found so amazing about my single season is that God didn’t share with me how long I would be single.
But if God would have told me, there would be no reason for me to trust in His word. I had to trust in God and know that the plans that He had for me would not harm me but give me a hope and a future. I had to allow God to teach me and even lead me through my season of singleness.
I would often become anxious about being single because I would look at others around me who were getting engaged or married. There were times that I was envious of others relationships. I wanted to go ahead of God and make things happen on my own. But God would stop me in my tracks and remind to wait on Him because it would be so worth it.
I hear singles all time saying “How long will I be single?” Although it’s a valid question. It’s also is a question that reflects that we are growing impatient in the process of waiting on God. I think often we view our season of being single as an affliction, when in actuality it’s a blessing to be single. It’s a gift from God.
Now that I’m married, I realize that God was preparing me for what was to come. I had to learn how to be patient, so that I could be patient with my husband. Patience is not always developed for relationships but the many trials that may come our way in the future.
By embracing the gift of patience God blessed with an amazing husband. I’ve even learned how to be patient in those dry seasons of my life.
I encourage my single sisters and brothers to patiently wait on the Lord. Yes, I know it can be a tough season. But I want to let you know that it’s so worth it to patiently wait on God to bless you with your mate.

Categories
Marriage

Using the Armor of God to Protect Your Marriage

Praying Couple

Categories
Home Single

Single Women Should Pursue

A woman with clasped hands looking up.

I use to be the woman that would pursue men for a relationship. I would call them and make it known that I wanted to date them. Of course, they said YES. Not long after I would see that I was the one doing all the pursuing, footing the bill, and still lonely. Just to show the world I had a man. I settled for less because I couldn’t see how blessed I really was.
I was in a vulnerable place because I didn’t truly know my identity. I was longing from something from these men that they couldn’t give me. In the process I was left wide open and allowed men to be plugged into me that shouldn’t have been.
I allowed these men to be plugged into me emotionally, spiritually and sexually.  They were draining my power. Because I wasn’t grounded in the word of God at the time , I was dying. They were taking all my energy.
I shared that to say, single women should pursue God only. Never purse a man. As you can see in my case of pursuing a man it caused me to die in the process.
We as godly women are in covenant relationship with God. He covers us as we pursue Him daily. The purpose we have on the inside of us has to be covered by God so that no one can tamper with it.
If that man is for you, God will reveal it to the both of you. That man will also have to pursue God to find you. While you are both pursing God, there you will be positioned to be found.
As I was in my single season, I learned how to pursue God. One day, I saw this young man at church that I admired from afar. I wanted to pursue him so bad because that was what I did. I remember God telling me I could no longer pursue men. It would all happen in his timing. So of course, I waited on God.
That young man actually pursued me and continued to pursue me while were courting. That man is now my husband.
God revealed this to me: if we would have pursued each other and left God out of the process, all the glory would belong to us and not God. As we both pursued God, He was able to get all the glory for bringing us together as one.
Single women should pursue God. Everything else will work out in your favor.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

He Proposed After 3 and Half Years of Dating… Why I stayed!

marry me, proposal in Paris near Eiffel Tower

We live in a generation where courtship turns into marriage within 6 months or less. Because of that, I was often asked, “ What’s taking him so long?” Besides that being a question from him, it made me uncomfortable that people were bothered by our relationship status more than we were. Newly engaged, I don’t regret a minute spend being his girlfriend, and here’s why:
1. Divorce is REAL!
I’ve witnessed young people rush into marriage…better yet a world of problems. See, my fiancé and I both believe “Divorce is not an option”. With that being said, we wanted to ensure when we say “I Do” there would be no need for the “D” word. We truly spent 3 years getting to know one another on a deep level, learning flaws, triggers, and fine-tuning our communication skills. Because of that, we know each other like the back of our hands.
2. I Knew What I Wanted!
After only 6 months of dating, I knew he would be my husband. We’d been friends for 4+ years, he knew every part of me, and I him. Sure, I didn’t think it would take 3.5 years, but I was willing to wait. He was EVERYTHING I asked God to send me. I lacked nothing in him, and I knew we shared the desire to get married!
3. I Prayed!
Spring of 2016, I spent a lot of time with God regarding our relationship and its status! God asked me, what do you want? I rattled off what everyone else thought I should have, and he asked me again “What do you want”. After conversing with God and laying my troubles at His feet, I felt a renewing in our relationship! I knew my doubt didn’t come from the relationship itself, but the people who shared unsolicited opinions.
4. I Can DO What I Want
People have always had and always will have an opinion. If it’s not about engagement, it’s about how you should do the wedding, when you’ll have babies….it’s a never ending cycle. The truth of the matter is I CAN DO WHAT I WANT…WHAT WE WANT. There’s no rule book stating marriage must commence within a certain time frame. When I realized that, I felt a freedom to do what I wanted!
5. Finally, God’s Timing Is Perfect
God knew what He was doing in making me wait. Had I got married sooner, I’d be on divorce court (lol). Yes! I can admit it! My heart was consumed with being a bride, not a wife. During my time of prayer, God revealed the areas I needed to work on. I guess my engagement is God’s seal of approval of my intentional hard work!
I chose to wait because I wanted to! I waited because there’s nothing wrong with it! I waited because I needed to grow! I waited because the day I would get engaged was marked on God’s calendar (Psalm 139:16, NLT). Ladies and gents, stop adhering to timelines that don’t exist, trying to beat a clock created by social media, operating according to someone else’s love story or being moved by what others have to say! Let God be the author and the finisher of your love story!
XOXO,
A Very Happy “Future Ms. Terry”

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

What Does Love Really Have to Do with It?

I bet your wondering what in the world can this blog post be about? What does she mean by “what does love have to do with it?”
 
Well, in a society and generation that has completely contaminated the meaning of LOVE, I thought it would be best to do some clarifying.Most people don’t have a clue what love is. They want to rush into relationships based on commonality, attraction, or a “feeling.” But, those three things literally have nothing to do with love.
We began to lose the war of the true meaning of love when people started making it into a fantasy and removing the reality.When people wanted to take the easy way out rather than learning to endure, because where there is love there is endurance.When people wanted to allow their desires to run wild instead of committing and remaining faithful, with love there is commitment.
 
You see, this awful cycle and contamination started YEARS ago, but as an agent of Christ my objective is to correct what’s been tainted.
Let’s compare Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary definition of love with the Bible’s definition of love.
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines love as “a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire; or affection and tenderness felt by lovers.”
Well, let me ask you this… What happens when those affections die down? What happens when sex isn’t enough anymore? What happens when you don’t feel loved or want to love anymore?
Here’s the problem, love can’t be narrowed down to such a simplistic feeling or desire in the moment. Let’s be honest, desires and feelings change like the wind for some people, and the truth is, love remains. This is why it can’t be considered a feeling or a desire.
The Bible defines love as a decision that is made through every situation, circumstance, obstacle, uncertainty, commitment, and overall life event.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 it says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.”
If you’re going to love someone in a relationship context, understand that love is not just a word to throw back and forth, but there are real decisions that have to be made each day in order to truly love someone.
So, what does love really have to do with it? It has EVERYTHING to do with it! After reading this post, I suggest you take some time to ask yourself, “have I contaminated the REAL meaning of LOVE?” It’s not too late to make some changes. Now that you have this information, what are you going to do with it?

Categories
Communication Marriage Parenting Spiritual Intimacy

Three Everyday Moments You’re Under-Appreciating

Family laughing around a good meal in kitchen

My wife and I have fallen in love with the Pearson family from the hit NBC dramedy, This Is Us. It depicts a family growing and becoming who they are over the passage of time. We love the realism of the family dynamics, the un-glamorous “real-talk” of the husband and wife, and the lessons that make you realize that God is truly in the details.
I love that it highlights the simple moments. The dad is a hard-working, loving, blue-collar worker, and the mom is a stay-at-home mom with musical aspirations. Simple moments, like being at the pool on a sweltering summer day, or turning a bad Thanksgiving Day into a family tradition, are what make This Is Us really shimmer.
America needs this. America needs to be reminded of God’s gift of family in the little moments. We are apparently under the delusion that life is only significant on the mountain tops. But if we aren’t careful, we are going to look up and see that we shunned the glorious by ignoring the ordinary.
But God is building something in your family, and it is worth paying attention to.
You may be under-appreciating these three everyday moments that, though seemingly ordinary, are actually holy.

  1. Dinner time moments. Humanity has been gathering around a meal since the dawn of time. These are pivotal moments for a young family that will culminate into forming the bedrock of your children, marriage, and family dynamics. This isn’t just a culinary experience; it’s a spiritual one. Before Jesus went to the Cross, He sat down with His disciples for a meal. (Matthew 26:20-30) After His resurrection, when His disciples were trying in vain to catch fish, Jesus was ready to serve them breakfast. (John 21:1-14) Don’t rush through your four-year-old’s never-ending story. You’re going to miss that someday. Actually listen to your spouse divulge all the messy details about his or her day—and don’t forget to share yours too.
  2. Hard communication moments. My wife and I have not had many intense fights in our marriage, thankfully. But we have had tension, as every marriage will. But God is in those moments, too. In fact, there were times that I would be so frustrated by a conflict in our communication that I would tell my wife that I needed a walk. I always come back, though. Those walks usually end up being “walks to the Cross.” I see how I contributed to the dissonance, receive some discipline from my Heavenly Father, and re-enter the house with a genuine posture of humility. Don’t take moments like these for granted. My walks to the Cross have led me to the feet of Jesus every time—and our family has grown in spite of those hard communication moments.
  3. Hilarious moments. Last year, I used some money I received for my birthday to purchase a TV for our bedroom, so we could have mini-dates at home. Last week, my four-year-old son threw a truck at that TV. My wife called me on the way home from work so I could prepare for it. I was…bothered…to say the least. Nevertheless, I walked in the house, kissed my wife, and hugged my children. Yes, even my four-year-old. He looked up at me and said, “But Daddy, I need to tell you da twoof (truth). I thwoo (threw) my twuck at the TV and bwoke it.” I laughed—a lot. “I know, son. It’s just a TV, and you’re just a kid. I love you more than any old TV. It’s OK.” These are moments that build a legacy.

Don’t miss God in these small moments.