Tag: single

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3 Keys to Entering Your Next Relationship

Portrait of a young african woman sitting at outdoor cafe using cellphone

Key 1 – God’s Timing is Right
Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven-”
I am a firm believer in the times and seasons the Bible refers to. It is so important that you don’t move outside of God’s timing, and this applies to relationships as well. Moving at your own pace and not God’s pace or the direction of His will can cause damaging circumstances to develop.
For example, a potentially good relationship may not work out if it comes into existence prematurely. Yes, I said it! Moving outside of God’s timing can cause a blessing to turn into a curse.
Let’s say you feel fully prepared to be in a relationship but God knows you still hold a bit of unforgiveness in your heart towards your ex. More than likely, God isn’t going to open the door to a new relationship until that area of yourself has completely healed.
Why? Because you will certainly make it very hard for a new relationship to flourish if, by way of unforgiveness, your heart is still connected to your last relationship. You see, God knows and sees what we don’t know and see. It’s better to trust Him than to move outside of His plan and timing.
Key 2 – Don’t Force It
Proverbs 19:21 “Many plans are in a man’s mind, But it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand (be carried out).”
One thing I’ve learned throughout my life is to never force anything. Hence the popular saying “If the shoe fits, wear it,” but I say, “If the shoes doesn’t fit, DON’T wear it.” I like to apply this principle to relationships as well; forcing something “to be” that has “this is not the one for you” written all over it is only going to damage you as a person.
There’s the possibility of feeling rejected or becoming brokenhearted. Certain insecurities can form if the person you’re forcing a relationship with is interested in someone else. It is even possible that you may feel unimportant or as though you’re not a priority.
I know this person may have all the qualities listed on your list, but if God says “no,” it’s a no. If the relationship has more exhausting days than joyful days, you’re probably staying in something that is simply not for you.
If you’re one who is forcing a relationship to work when you know deep down in your heart that it’s time to move on and let go, pray and ask God for clarity.
Key 3 – Prepare Yourself
Proverbs 24:27 “Prepare your work outside and get it ready for yourself in the field; afterward build your house and establish a home.”
A very wise person prepares themselves for future seasons of life. Marriage is serious, and dating/courting is the first phase in determining whom you will marry. Therefore, it’s important that you prepare not only for marriage, but for your dating/courting season as well.
Preparation should include understanding what boundaries are, how to overcome temptation (which will come), how to identity red flags, what is permissible in a relationship and what simply is not. All these things plus more are important to know about before you let yourself enter a relationship.
Most people prepare only for marriage and forget the important phase of dating/courting that comes before it.
Always remember these three pointers – Timing, Don’t Force it, and Prepare!
Raven

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5 Tips to Get Through the Holidays Being Single

Pretty young african woman video chatting on her mobile phone as she relaxes in front of a decorated tree and gifts in a red and white themed living room ready for Christmas.

The holidays are one of the best times of the year. It’s a great time to be surrounded by the love of those who matter most. However, the holidays approaching can also be a daunting time for singles, reminding you of your lack of a significant other. However, being single does not have to feel lonely. Here are some tips and advice on how to get through the holidays.
1.) Volunteering- The holidays are all about giving, so what better way to spend the holidays than giving back? It helps you get out of your own head when you can stop and think about the needs of others. Many places can use the help of people during this season. For example, volunteering at a homeless shelter, donating toys, gift wrapping at the mall, helping out at the children’s hospital, these are all great ways to give back, leaving you with a rewarding feeling.
2.) Spending time with family–  Take the time to go and spend time with that relative you may have not seen in a while. They may be thrilled to have you in company, and  create more memories.
3.) Single group outings– Gather all of your single friends and make it a singles outing.  Whether it be a short trip, a day of shopping, taking a painting class or a holiday dinner, I’m sure your single friends will appreciate this fun thought, and you could be helping them from being a single slug.
4.) Decorating– Decking your place out in holiday gear is a great way to put yourself in the holiday spirit, it’s also a great way to get your creativity out; making it fun and festive.
5.) Throwing a holiday party– Gathering friends and family for a holiday party is a good way to get everyone together. There are a myriad of holiday party themes, from throwing a  friends-giving gathering, to an ugly sweater Christmas party, to a cookie baking party,  or having a Christmas movie night,  any idea should do. And if you have your guests bring a plus one… who knows, you may meet a special someone in the midst of it all!
Hope this helps. Happy Holidays!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

7 Actions to Take When Your Heart is Hurting

beautiful woman at home with heart for valentine's day

Nearly a decade ago, my heart took a beating when the guy I was in a relationship with told me his feelings had changed and that he was dating someone else. I was sure I had done everything I thought I was supposed to do to avoid this kind of result- I was pursuing God above all else, I’d been prayerful, I’d waited for confirmations before moving forward, I made it clear it needed to be a God-centered relationship and I’d involved trustworthy friends and family in the process. There was no doubt in my mind that the Lord’s approval was all over this …until this happened!
I vividly remember the day I had this conversation and the deep hurt I experienced afterward. I desperately just wanted to get away from the pain, to forget about him, to forget about the whole thing in general, to be free from the memories we had and the resounding promises he’d made and then broke.
In the days to come, I would put a worship song on repeat: I Have Found by Kim Walker-Smith. The chorus goes like this: ‘You are all I want, You are all I need, everything my heart could hope for. We are longing for the glory of the Lord, because we know there’s so much more.” I knew I didn’t believe those words then, but I genuinely wanted to and found an incredible peace in listening to them.
Fast forward to now… I recently was at a worship service and we sang that exact same song. Tears rolled down my face as I realized – I BELIEVE WHAT I’M SINGING! I can say that I am now at a place where I truly believe that the goodness of God surpasses anything this life has to offer. I don’t have all the answers, but I know that I wouldn’t have gotten to that point without doing some specific things:
 1.  Focused on what I was grateful for
-After this happened, I got so sick of complaining and asking the Lord for things, that I decided to commit a month to only journaling about what I was thankful for. It completely transformed my heart! Because my focus was on what was good in my life, instead of what was negative, suddenly I couldn’t help but feel joy about what was happening.
 2. Drew near to God instead of pulling away
-I distinctly remember the moment I was faced with deciding if I would allow God to be a part of what I was experiencing or push him away because He ‘could have done something about it,’ or because He ‘broke my trust.’ I put those in quotations because they are thoughts I’ve had, and I’ve heard other people vocalize…but aren’t necessarily true. It’s interesting how we want to give up the gift of free will only when we go through a hard time. I chose the first option, and am forever thankful I did. Choosing to draw close to the Father set me on a life-giving path that has led to so many adventures I couldn’t have dreamed of.
3.  Worshipped
-Worship has a similar effect to being grateful…it changes your heart in the midst of circumstances. Oftentimes we can’t control our circumstances, but if our heart is right we can experience contentedness even if our world feels like it’s falling apart.

  • Became a part of a community that built me up
    -Find friends and family that will help you get healed up. If your current community spends more time caring about what’s going wrong, it’s going to be difficult to view the Father as the perfect One He is. Pay attention to how your community is influencing you, and look for one that gives you life.
  • Ask
    -Ask the Lord to teach you what it means for Him to be “enough.” He is a relational God and loves to interact with us. If He says He is the way to true life, then He IS and would love to show you how!
  • Discovered what it means to be a child of God, instead of a slave
    -This was pivotal for me in my process of desiring God above all else. When you know you’re loved and a son/daughter of the King of kings, it makes it easier to love yourself and in turn, others…ESPECIALLY the Lord.
  • Declared God’s promises over my life
    -Find scripture that is relevant to your situation or to what you want to see happen. Speaking it out loud has great power! God spoke and the entire universe was created… He clearly has a value for speaking what you want to see even when it’s not there!

God created us to experience fullness in Him. And fullness in Him means that we get to experience what life is truly meant to be! In my experience, finding out what it means to say ‘He is enough’ is completely worth fighting for.

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Dating/Courting Single

3 Benefits of Seriously Dating in College

Young couple in love in town sitting on stairs, holding hands

Although it seems counter-cultural to discuss the possibility of marriage during your college years, I believe the lack of dating intentionally during this time frame is part of the reason people are getting married later in life. As individuals graduate from college and start to look for that special someone to settle down with, they are encountering challenges in meeting new people to even consider dating!
Coming from a Christian university it seemed to be ALL that was talked about, to the point that you felt shamed if you did come to school seeking a spouse. How could you come to school with the classic “ring by spring” mentality?!
Well, today I come to challenge the negative perspective on seeking a spouse in your college years. Here are some benefits to seriously dating in college.
 
1.  There are the most people your age and in similar walks of life, all concentrated in one location.
 
Talking with my friends post college, it almost seems IMPOSSIBLE to meet new friends – let alone potential dating candidates – anywhere other than a bar or the latest dating app. Understand that college is a time in your life where you have immediate access and ease of ability to meet new people.

  • Join a club.
  • Try intramural sports.
  • Hang out in the quad.
  • Talk to people in your class.

Chances are you are bound to click with at least one person, and you never know the friendships you may form, or the people you may meet through that one connection.
 
 2. It is a time of self-discovery and self-actualization.
 
For many individuals, college is their first time on their own. It’s the first time they have really been placed in an environment where they are forced to confront what is important to them: what they value, where they want to go in life, and who they want to be. Okay, maybe that’s a little deep for some of our college freshmen [and underclassmen] out there, but you get the point. Often during this time you start to realize values that are important to you that would be important for a significant other to share.
 
3. There is a higher probability of finding someone who shares your morals and values.
 
This point may resonate more to those that attend a Christian or faith-based university. But what I am getting at is the following: if your faith is important to you, and you want it to be the basis of your relationship, going to a Christian university will most likely improve the probability of finding a significant other that feels the same way and there is no shame in that. If you want to learn how to play basketball you don’t show up at a soccer field. Decide what is important to you and seek it out. Don’t settle on your top values on fear of not finding someone else.
Of course, college is not all about finding a spouse, but it was an added bonus I was able to take along with my bachelor’s degree and am very thankful for that. Some people may not be mature enough to even pursue the idea of marriage at this time, and that is okay too. Be honest with yourself about where you are in life and if you are truly happy. Remember – finding a spouse is not going to complete you, or make you happier. You have to be content and love who you are before you can love someone else.

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Struggling with Celibacy? 3 Scriptures to Help You Fight

It’s easy when you have never opened yourself up to sex but for those of us that have already lost our virginity – then decided that it wasn’t such a good idea, so we pledge to be celibate until marriage- we can often struggle with it.
Everybody is having sex. Look at them, they are having sex and HAPPY. Meanwhile you’re one second away from giving it all up and joining them.
DON’T!
Here’s 3 bible scriptures I read when I start struggling with my promise to God
1. I  Corinthians 6:19 (AMP)
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is within you, whom you have [received as a gift] from God, and that you are not your own [property]?
Listen, when I read this scripture, it reminds me that I am not my own. This body does not belong to me. So how dare I just do with it as I will? I want to make sure this temple is somewhere the Holy Spirit can dwell, a great sacred place. Besides, how can my sin and the Holy Spirit inhabit the same space?
2. Romans 12:2 (AMP)
And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].
Most of the time when I’m struggling with celibacy, I’m allowing the world to influence my way of living. So what if everybody’s doing it? If everybody is going to hell does that mean I have to go? Certainly not! One thing I learned, is that everything that glitters is not gold. So yes, people may be having sex and yes they may be happy, but their souls are being crushed. Soul ties are being formed and soul ties formed outside of marriage are nothing but bondage. So I constantly pray that the Lord renews my mind and my way of thinking and I ask that He helps me to remember that I am the daughter of a King and I am in line for my inheritance and I certainly will not receive it if I’m compromising.
Perhaps what I read in an article on celibacy will encourage you: “The voices of the world may loudly cheer for us to give our bodies away but the conviction of the Spirit must be louder if we’re to stay committed to serving God.”
Allow God to renew your mind, He will give you a different perspective on being celibate. It won’t be this oh woe is me, I’m lonely, instead you’ll be more focused on what true intimacy is and how intimacy starts with the Father. True intimacy isn’t physical, it’s seeing one’s heart.
3. I Corinthians 10:13 (AMP)
No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word—He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist], but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy].
The Lord will not allow you to be tempted beyond your ability. That means, when you began struggling with celibacy, you can overcome it. You’re not going to be tempted and stumble. So often I remind myself, this is a small thing to a giant (in the words of rapper T.I). It’s light work, an easy feat. Yes it will test your strength, know it won’t feel good, yes it will test your courage, but sis, bro… YOU WIN! Isn’t that amazing to know? You can look that temptation and that struggle square in the face and know, without a shadow of a doubt,  the victory is yours.
During these times, I talk to myself and remind myself that I’m a born winner. Sometimes I even find myself throwing Muhammad Ali jabs. That’s right, I tell the enemy “you ‘gon get this work today.” Lol, You’ve got to. Don’t let the struggle beat you down, beat it down.
Your fighting tools are the scriptures.
Lastly, I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. There are many of us going through this very thing. It’s okay to talk to about it, you don’t have to be silent. I encourage you in these moments to find solace in the Lord and not sex.
If you’re struggling and you just need someone to pray with you and for you, email me at thepowerofgodlywomen@gmail.com- I’ll be happy to send you prayers, add you to my prayer-book and even pray with you.

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WHAT DOES TRUSTING GOD WITH YOUR SINGLENESS REALLY LOOK LIKE?

In your single season you will often hear people tell you to “Trust God.” It sounds great and deep down inside you know that you should trust God.

How do you keep trusting God  when every day you arise and you find yourself still single. You also, find that the main ones that are telling you to trust God are dating or happily married.

You keep thinking I’m a Christian, I serve God and even His people. I pray and Lord knows I slay!  Yet, I still find myself single. I desire to date a God- fearing man and to be married one day.

Let’s be honest! For those of us that had sex before marriage and then were transformed to do things God’s way the struggle is real! Sometimes you find your single season being extremely hard. It’s not only a spiritual battle but a physical battle as well. Which leads me to points I want to make….

He’s in Control

I’ve learned that your single season teaches “self-control.” There are things in our lives that we can control but there are some things that we can’t control. I used to be the woman that pursued men for a relationship. Even in the relationship, I did all the pursuing and they did absolutely nothing.

During my single season I learned an important lesson… That it’s not my role to pursue, that’s the man’s role. It’s my role to simply respond. I had to learn self-control and I had to learn how to allow God to be in control of my life.

Trusting God isn’t just about the single season that you’re in, it’s more about trusting God with your entire life.

What are some areas in your life that you struggle with self-control? It’s not always sex. It can be anger, lying, cheating, gossiping, etc.

Trust the Plan

I remember wondering if God even had marriage in store for my life. Interestingly enough, God never spoke and told me that one day I would be married. Each day I had to walk by faith and not by sight.

If God reveals every plan to us, then there would be no need for faith. Even if God doesn’t reveal the plan, you still have to trust the plan. God knows exactly what we need and when we shall receive it. Don’t doubt what God can do for you. To doubt God, means that you don’t trust Him completely. Trust in His word and know that He gives good gifts to His children.

Are you in a spiritual place of completely trusting God?

Yes, you may get tired of hearing people to tell you to trust God. You must desire that in your heart more than you desire a mate. Trust that your single season is a preparation time. He’s preparing you, as He is preparing him. Trust that in this season that God hasn’t denied you a mate, it’s just delayed until due season.  Keep trusting God and know that the best is yet to come!

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Single

I'm Called to Singleness

Young woman drinking tea reading book on sofa
by Lourdes Branch 
I ‘m called to singleness and so are you.
You’re probably sitting there screaming at the computer, “Girl, don’t claim that! Don’t limit God! How do you know? You can’t say that to me! You ain’t no prophet.”
You’re right. I’m not claiming anything. I’m not limiting God. I’m not a prophet, nor do I claim to be.
What I am, however, is a single, 31-year-old woman who has googled the answer to the question, “Am I called to singleness,” more times than I’d like my browser history to reveal. I am a woman who has pleaded with God to know if and when I’ll get married. And I am a woman who has watched every deadline age I’ve set to be married pass me by with all the May 3rd birthdays I have.
At this point, I can say that I’m called to singleness and so are you. How do I know? Because I’m single, and if you’re reading this with the same relationship status as me, you’re single, too. That is where you and I are at this point in our lives, and that then is what we are called to. Today. At this moment.
I don’t believe I’m called to lifelong singleness, nor do I believe you are. I also don’t believe you or I need to worry or think about that. Who knows what the future holds? God does, not us.
He does not give to us to know the future (Matthew 24:36 But about that day or hour no one knows…).
He gives to us to trust and believe Him (Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding).
He gives to us our daily bread (Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus).
He gives us His word, and what’s even greater, He gives us Himself (Deuteronomy 31:6 for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you).
His word is full of verses that give us our calling to believe Him for today.
You are called to do today. You are called to be where you are today. There are things (i.e. arriving to work on time, giving your seat to a pregnant woman on the train, talking to your annoying next-door neighbor, not yelling at the person who cut you off in traffic) He has given you to complete for today as a single person. Things that you need to focus on more than your potential wedding date. He hasn’t given you those things because you’re unlovable. He hasn’t given them to you because you are somehow less worthy than a married person. He has, however, given them to you for you to complete your purpose, which is solely to bring Him glory (Revelation 4:11 You are worthy, O Lord our God, to receive glory and honor and power. For you created all things, and they exist because you created what you pleased). 
You and I, single person, have work that we are called to today. Only God knows if and when our relationship statuses will change. But until He makes it plain that He’s called you to marriage by providing you someone to marry, focus on today. And get off Google.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

7 Lies to Confront Before Entering a Relationship

Portrait of a thoughtful woman looking at window
Through life’s experiences, examples around us, negative self-talk, and fear, we can easily feed into lies about relationships that consequently negatively impact the quality of our relationships. Facing them, and choosing to be set free from them before getting into a relationship will set you up for success. Here are seven common lies:
1) I’ll Be Rejected If I Put Myself Out There
There will always be a risk of rejection in relationships. Nobody wants to experience pain or heartache, but on the same level, nobody wants to be with someone that refuses to open up. If you’re not willing to deal with this lie, you’ll likely experience rejection more than if you believed that it was worth the risk.
2) I’m Not Attractive
Here’s the reality: it’s very possible that not everyone in the world finds you attractive. We are all created uniquely – we all have different personalities, we all have different interests, we are all attracted to different types of things. Along with that, the more you believe you’re attractive, the more others find you attractive. Learn to love yourself instead of waiting for others to tell you what your worth is.
3) I’m Not Enough
In what areas of your life do you feel like you’re not enough for someone to love you? If you can control those areas, choose to improve them instead of choosing hopelessness. If you can’t control them, then it’s time to let them go! You are worthy to be loved. THAT’S the truth. (Also – Jesus thought you were enough to die for. Just sayin!)
4) Marriage Will Ruin Everything
Marriage is God-created, and He doesn’t make mistakes! In instances where marriage seems to “ruin” relationships or lives, the problem is actually that the marriage wasn’t protected from the things that can wreak havoc on a covenant relationship.
5) I’ll always be__________
The problem with this lie is that it has a way of excusing oneself from self -improvement. If you convince your heart that you will always have this fill-in-the-blank issue, then it becomes less of a priority to fix. Changing your attitude about weaknesses or recurring problems can lead to becoming a healthier version of yourself!
6) I Have Commitment Problems
I hear this one a lot. I’ll admit I’m even guilty of saying this, unfortunately! In a society where you can ‘date’ without dating and be in a relationship but mask it as something less serious, it seems to be easy to avoid commitment. But there is so much beauty in choosing somebody – in deciding to commit to a person and work on a relationship instead of floating from person to person and justifying it as having ‘commitment problems’. If you want to be married, now is the time to start practicing commitment.
7) My Marriage Won’t Be Blessed Because ____
God is the Redeemer, which means there isn’t anything that He can’t redeem. Maybe you’re holding on to past mistakes, or you feel like you don’t deserve a blessed marriage, or you have failed in one way or the other. These are not good enough reasons to cancel the grace of God! He is faithful to redeem – we just need to give Him permission.
Do yourself a huge favor and start believing truths about yourself and relationships! It may take some self-checks and practice, but the quality of your future marriage is depending on it.

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Becoming a Gracious Wife

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

3 Tips to Help You Embrace Your Single Season

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

Your single season is not a waste of time or a curse; it is a time of blessing and preparation. It is a time that God has set aside to make you into what He wants you to be for your future spouse. Singleness is a time of blessing and waiting where God is cultivating godly qualities in you that you can offer your future spouse. Singleness is a gift from God, where you can be devoted to Him, loving Him with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength (Mark 12:30). Here are three tips to help you embrace your season of singleness:

  1. Embrace your Value. When you are single, it is easy to think that you are incomplete because of not having a spouse. This is further from the truth. Being single in God only defines your relationship status. In 1 Peter 2:9, God sees you as a “His chosen, a royal priesthood, and His special possession.” Embrace your season and fill your time with pursuing God as your first love, traveling, meeting new people, trying a new hobby, and giving back to others. Allow God to refine the qualities and traits in your life, remaining open to His direction and voice to stay aligned with His will.
  1. Turn to God. Sometimes it can be hard trusting God’s plan for your life, which can cause you to look in the wrong places to fulfill your need for love. But remember that trusting God’s plan for your life will prevent desperation and heartache if you will let Him be your guide. Because God’s love is amazing, cultivating a relationship with Him is a true blessing as you wait for your future spouse.
  1. Pray for Your Future Spouse. Isn’t it awesome to know that God is preparing your future spouse before He reveals them? So why not pray for them before you meet them? When praying for your future spouse, ask God to meet their needs, pray for their preparation, character, heart, growth, purity, ministry, and obedience to Him. As you pray, everything will happen in God’s timing while you are in your waiting season.

As you embrace these three tips, take the time to thank God for His gift of singleness because He has amazing things in store for your future marriage!