Tag: relationship-killer

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Dating/Courting Engaged

How to Remain Celibate While Dating

Interracial couple in love having fun in the city

Recently, I was asked if my husband I were celibate before marriage and if so, how?
My response: “yes and one word – boundaries!”
Before I met my husband I made up in my mind I wasn’t going to make the same mistake for a third time and I was determined to remain faithful to God and honor Him with not only my life but my body.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I learned from previous mistakes that it’s better to avoid temptation than be in a situation where you have to flee it. When my husband and I started dating we made sure to only see each other in public and we never visited each other’s homes. It was best to just avoid close quarters. Watching a movie late at night while my roommate was out of town was no longer an option.
Along with our boundaries there were several things that helped us remain celibate before marriage:
1. Understanding: we were both on the same page.  We both had the same end goal of marriage, thus, we were intentional about dating God’s way.
Dating someone who is not fully in agreement would had been hard. I’ve been in that situation before and failed.  You’re more likely to be tempted by your partner  and he/she may not be as committed to the relationship.
2.  Accountability: we both had someone close to us, who we allowed to check in on us. My husband and I came up with a grading scale and after every date we would rate ourselves. We got a C once but never failed. Sounds funny now but it worked, and we would share our grades with our accountability partners.
3.  Protecting Your Eye & Ear Gates: when dating it may be best to skip over the love scenes in movies and avoid some of  your favorite R&B songs. It’s probably best to stick to comedy and gospel. Ha!
 
Abstinence while dating is absolutely possible but it takes intentionality. However, it’s always worth the wait!

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Communication Dating/Courting Marriage Single Spiritual Intimacy

Three Qualities of a Marriage Built to Last

Exotic african bride and groom holding hands on the terrace.

I remember being where you are—watching married couples interact and imagining myself in that situation. One day. One day that may be me. As I was courting the girl I loved, who is now my wife, I consumed any and all material I could find about marriage. Young singles often take the “marriage buffet line:” picking and choosing the good and the bad from among the thousands of relationships on display before their eyes.
As a young single, I would attend weddings and overhear the bride telling their story to her friends, as they gathered around to hear what attracted them to one another. “He’s cute, funny, and smart,” was the most common among women. “She’s pretty, funny, and smart,” was common among men. That’s great, and I don’t intend to sound judgmental, but really? That’s what you’re building your future on? If we’re being realistic, cats are cute, funny, and smart!
Sarah and I invited marriage mentors into our lives and subjected them to a cascade of questions! In a world where #relationshipgoals is a constant, trending topic, young minds are saturated by qualities to emulate for their marriage, for when it’s their turn.
But what are realistic, yet high standards for a rock-solid marriage?
I could create an itemized list thousands of would-be qualities that make a marriage great, but I’ve narrowed down three rock-solid qualities of a marriage built to last, that Christian couples everywhere should make their #relationshipgoals. Spoiler alert: This list does not include cute, funny, or smart:
1. Joyful, intimate friendship. I hate that “he/she is my best friend,” has become so cliché. It is a precious thing when it’s true. It is actually rarer than we realize. Strive for intimate friendship, as you look forward towards marriage. My wife truly is my go-to, my partner in crime, and my confidant. Even though we know one another extremely well, she still fascinates me. I can honestly say that there is no one else I want by my side. Yes, we disagree at times. There is not always perfect harmony, because we are two flawed, opinionated people. But at the end of the day, she is a safe place and a warm home for me.
2. Honest, loving communication. Many marriages have the “honest” part down. Remember: it’s “trendy” to speak your mind. Well, the Lord isn’t interested in you regurgitating your flawed, carnal mind to your spouse, where your words can inflict deep, heinous scars. The biblical way is to “speak the truth in love.” (Eph. 4:15) Observe and emulate couples who know the deep and hidden places of their spouse, yet choose to honor the workmanship that the Maker has wrought in them. These couple couldn’t care two cents about being right, but they have all the passion in the world to use communication to edify one another and contribute to the glorious masterpiece that God is creating in them.
3.  Dynamic, cherished partnership with the Lord. I knew a phenomenal older couple who made their morning coffee, turned on worship music, and fervently adored their Savior together. Their voices rang in worship, and tears flooded their eyes, and they were intimate friends of the Living God! Then, after spending the morning together in worship, they partnered hand in hand with God in ministry to countless broken, enslaved people. They moved in sync with God and each other. The world has seen too few of these treasured power couples, but just imagine what the world would think if married couples of this caliber were on every street!
God’s best is better than the shallow examples of the world. Let’s elevate our expectations in marriage. Let’s “come up higher” and emulate marriage God’s way.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

Why Finding a Good Relationship Isn’t Easy

Single woman alone swinging on the beach and looking the other seat missing a boyfriend

“It won’t be that easy” God whispered after I literally exhausted my last option for a relationship. He said it loud and clear on March 31st 2011 around 5pm, while I laid in the floor of my dorm room. Yes, I remember the day and time like it was yesterday. My desperation for a relationship lead me to a point where I was willing to settle for someone I had avoided for years.
After finally surrendering my relationship status to God (well surrendering the guy I knew I wasn’t suppose to be with), I expected for my dream guy to waltz in my life. You know? I was finally ready for the man God had for me, or so I thought.
I later learned why it wouldn’t be that easy. Before God could send me my prince, I had to be whole! Problem with some people, myself included, is that we don’t take the time necessary to heal from previous wounds, engage in self-exploration, or fall madly in love with Christ before pursuing another relationship. Instead we change the bandages on our wounds hoping to present ourselves as “brand new”.
I now appreciate God’s gentle whisper, “It wont be that easy” as it forced me to do all of the above stated (fall in love with him, examine my heart and motives, as well as heal from previous relational wounds). Ironically so, I now date the same individual I attempted to “settle” with year’s prior. Had he been given to me during the time that I thought I was “ready”, I would have ruined a relationship destined for greatness due to the lack of value I saw in him!
It’s amazing how God works when we surrender our will to his! No lie, (yes, no lie), God always brings things full circle. To this day, I am amazed at how the one I once ONLY desired to settle with, has become a manifestation of my prayers!
Here’s a bit of advice, don’t become angry that “love” hasn’t found it’s way to you as quickly as you’d hoped. Instead, in your time of waiting, ensure you have the capacity to sustain the relationship your heart so desires! That way, when it does find you, you’ll never let go!
XOXO,
Shan

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

What to Do When You Discover It's Love

Five years before my wife became my wife, we were stuck in summer school together. Our school had cubicles lining the walls and she was two cubicles away from where I sitting. I feel bad for the poor, innocent soul who sat in the cubicle between ours; he was stuck right in the middle of two star-struck teens, in the thick of our teen angst.
We would toss little notes of wadded graph paper back and forth between cubicles. We did this all summer long; it’s how we passed our time! But one day, it all changed. Sarah wasn’t even my girlfriend at the time, but there was obvious chemistry between us. I knew how I felt, but was far too afraid to tell her—and even more terrified to discover how she felt.
This little game of ours went on without a hitch—until one day, our safe little world was cracked wide open. After a fun night hanging out with our friends, she looked at me differently as she got back into her car. The next day, she was obviously being tormented by some distant musings. I asked her if anything was wrong, but she couldn’t give me a straight answer. I was frustrated and bewildered by the complexity of the female mind, and returned to my little cubicle, none the wiser.
As our four-hour summer classes ended that day, that familiar little wadded up ball of paper landed on my desk—but this time, with a thud. This one changed my world. “I’m OK, Dan. I just never expected to fall in love with my best friend.”
What? Excuse me, WHAT?!
True Love’s Aftermath
As I went to work after that stunning revelation that Sarah was in love…with me…my mind was awhirl with questions, and joy, and terror.
When you discover that the individual that you’ve been pining after with trembling hands and heart ablaze feels the same way, everything changes. Navigating the precarious waters of being in love is a beautiful, yet delicate situation.
I’d like to help you out. When you discover that it’s love, remember these three things: recall your standards, act with chivalry, and stay calm.
Recall Your Standards.
When you fall in love, it is so easy and very tempting to follow your heart. As romantic and poetic as this notion sounds, the biblical principle is to follow the Holy Spirit. Your heart is still in process and development. In the nostalgic and whimsical realm of love, I had to remember what true love looks like, which is often to protect your relationship and your hearts, at the expense of impulsivity. Remember your vows of purity, and adhere to them. It is easy to fall to prey to impulses when your heart suppresses your rationale.
Act with Chivalry.
I knew that I had Sarah wrapped around my finger, and she knew she had me at her beck and call, also. It would have been easy for me to act on instinct, rather than respect. Don’t allow your flesh to mute your chivalry. Serve him or her. Be honest. Be the you that he or she fell in love with.
Stay Calm.
When that bomb dropped and I learned of Sarah’s true feelings for me, I panicked. What if I couldn’t sustain her feelings? What if she got to know me more intimately, and learned that I was more human than she had originally thought? These thoughts are normal. What I learned instead was to take it step by step, day by day. Your significant other fell in love with you. Not your superhero alter ego! Understand that, yes, your companion will see your flaws, but true love will pick up where infatuation leaves off.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Dangers of Mistaking a Project for a Potential Mate

African couple hugging outdoors

There is a significant difference between a Project and a Potential Mate and it is imperative to distinguish the difference between the two.
A project is a person who you connect with and take on the role of helping them to strengthen their relationship with God. A project may or may not have a genuine motive to pursue God and they often seek your help to guide them.
On the other hand, a potential is someone who is already spiritually at your level. This person has a consistent relationship with the Lord and the fruit of their relationship with God can be visibly seen and verified.  A potential is someone who you can help grow spiritually, but he/she can also help you to grow in areas as well. You sharpen one another and you are both actively pursuing God without the persuasion of someone else.
Here are 3 Dangers of Mistaking a Project for a Potential Mate:
1. Projects Are NOT Suitable Helpers or Ready to Lead! Just because they gave their life to God with your help, does not mean He sent them to you for the purpose of a romantic relationship. Mistaking a project for your help meet or yourself as their help meet is not wise.
Men of God, it is deception to believe a woman who has yet to establish fruit in her relationship with God will be equipped to bear fruit in one with you. Genesis 2:18 tells us “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” If you are walking with a woman who has yet to discover her true identity in Christ, is it even possible for her to understand her role as your Help Meet? Furthermore, if she is not in a position to help herself, how can you expect her to help you?
Gentlemen, if she cannot HELP you, can she really be your Help Meet?  Women of God, if Ephesians 5:23 says “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church”, how can your Project be your Potential Mate if you are leading him? If he has not allowed God to transform his nature and to first teach him how to become a student of the word and a son of God first, why promote him to Hubby status? No matter how much time and energy you invest in your project, only God can make a man of God out of him. Ladies God never intended for you to take on His job!
2. Are you Equally Yoked? It’s great you desire to help them, but keep in mind you are not on the same level as a project and you are unequally yoked with them. When defining what it means to be unequally yoked with someone many times we only focus on the first part of 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers”. However, there is more to this scripture…”for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness”? If a man/ woman professes to be a believer but has yet to be transformed by God, can you honestly say you are equally yoked with him/her? It’s great they are now attending church regularly, but have they endured the process of allowing the light of Christ to remove the darkness from within them? The truth is, a project is not spiritually mature enough to be yoked to anyone!
3. You Risk Becoming the God in Their Life. When the lines of a project relationship crossover into a romantic relationship, it is most likely that the person guiding the relationship will attempt to mold the project into what they desire them to be. This is extremely dangerous because if the focus shifts from leading him/her to the Lord to leading them to your own heart, what happens when they encounter you but have yet to truly encounter God? When this occurs there is a strong possibility that you may become an idol or the savior in their life. It is important to not allow yourself to become a stumbling block (Corinthians 8:9) or an idol to the project in order to fulfill your own motives and desires.
Unmarried men and women, all projects have a deadline! Attempting to hold on to a project relationship beyond its expiration date will most likely lead to failure. Mistaking a project for a potential can cause you to extend a season that should have ended a long time ago. Projects are designed to remain in your life for only a season. When you extend this season longer than necessary, you delay the arrival of your potential as a result of being consumed with attempting to form a covenant with a temporary project.
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

How to Find Real Love Online

Living in a continuously advancing digital age comes with countless benefits, I mean we practically have the world at our finger tips with the unlimited amount of access we have. There seems to be an app for everything these days; just think of any convenient, or wild far fetched idea, and there’s probably an app for it. From finding the closest garage sales, to locating the best donut, to catching as many pocket monsters you can; you name it, its out there. And if for any reason it isn’t…you can make it happen! And it’s just the same for finding love. There are tons of dating apps that suit pretty much anything or anyone you’re looking for. However, it seems that despite all of the ways there are to get what we want, it is still so few and far between. Now I’m not claiming to have all of the answers, but I know how it should be done.
1.) Look past the cover– In a day and age where we can get what pleases our eyes by merely swiping right is nothing short of distasteful. I’m not saying physical attraction isn’t important, but when you reduce someones qualities by looks alone, than you’re not getting anywhere close to the true nature of a person. You have to look beyond the surface, as the old saying goes “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
2.) Keep your values– Lets face it, not everyone online is really looking for “love” but its important to stick with your intentions. If real love is what you’re looking for, then you should be seeking nothing but that, or else you’ll be trapped in someone else’s web of “love.”
3.) Don’t force it– Just because you’ve met someone that has the “potential”of being the one doesn’t mean they are. If your gut tells you to move right along, then you most likely should.
4.) Don’t subject yourself– If you feel that you have to post suggestive photos of yourself in order to be appealing, then you’re not going to attract anyone who is looking beyond what you’re suggesting.
5.) The right site– There are tons of online dating sites to choose from, but its important to do your due diligence by investing your time on the ones that are known to deliver. Steer away from the ones that are solely known for… well you know what.
6.) Be Authentic– Creating an online profile that displays the true you, and at the same time be gravitating can feel like your own personal human advertisement. However, always remain authentic, the right person will love you for you.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

7 Subtle Qualities to Watch For in a Significant Other

Couple having picnic on beach

If you’re anything like me, you could rattle off a handful of characteristics that you’re looking for in a spouse. Ranging from values, to appearance, to similar interests, it’s easy to dream up the ‘ideal spouse’ and filter your dating experiences through that lens.  While that’s all fine and dandy, I believe there are some characteristics that require a little more scrutiny and often get overlooked, but can greatly impact the quality of a long-term relationship. Here are a few traits to search for if you’re wanting to find someone who will be your forever person.
1) Someone That Will Choose You
The idea of a marriage where both people are head over heels in love every minute sure is a nice thought, but… completely unrealistic. If you are dating someone that seems to be looking for that type of relationship, you’ll want to get a deeper understanding of how they view marriage and how they will handle adversity before it gets serious. Look for a person who knows that there is intentionality involved in a commitment.
2) Someone Who is Open to Self-Improvement
If the person you’re interested in makes comments like ‘this is just the way I am,’ or ‘I’ve always done things this way’ you may want to ask more questions to see where they stand on self-improvement. Marriage involves compromise, so if your significant other is set in his/her ways, it could create some major conflict later on. But if your love interest is working on weaknesses and is wanting to continually better themselves, there is a great chance that they will carry that into a marriage – allowing an opportunity for both of you to be your best for the other!
3) Contentedness
Is the person you’re dating happy with themselves and their life as it is? Or are they constantly looking for the next best thing? If he/she doesn’t seem to be content, they might be looking to you to be their source of happiness. If this is the case, it’s inevitable that either a) you will get burnt out trying to keep them happy or b) they will look for someone or something else to fill that void. True contentedness comes from a rooted identity in God, and when both people are grounded in that truth, there is an added stability to the relationship.
4) Values What You Value
Simply put – you will want to be with someone who cares about your dreams and desires if you want to really thrive in those areas of your life. If your significant other isn’t interested in the areas of your life that you are most passionate about, it could easily bring discouragement and tension. Note – this doesn’t mean that you have to share the exact same passions.
5) Sees the Big Picture
Does your significant other have long term plans? Are they careful with their finances? Do they know what they want to do career-wise? Do they know if they want to have a family? These are areas of life that could significantly affect both of you down the road, and so it’s important to find out where he/she stands on these issues before getting serious.
6) Has a Positive View on Family
Our histories with family influence our thoughts and actions greatly. Some have learned how to do family well because that’s the example that was set. But there are some people who have been so hurt by their family that they either a) resent family in general, b) haven’t recognized it and therefore repeat the same mistakes their family may have made, or hopefully, c) want to completely redeem their family history. Ask questions about your significant other’s history and get an understanding on how they view family. If they have a negative outlook you may want to be cautious before promising them forever.
7) Betters Others
Is the person you’re interested in the type that wants to bring out the best in others or convince them to make poor choices in one way or another? I have dated both types, and found that the latter has a way of sucking the life out of you. Pay attention to the type of influence he/she has on you – chances are pretty good that it will carry into marriage!
All in all, there’s much to think about before making a long term commitment to another person…with good reason! You’ll never find a perfect person, but paying attention to the little things could set you both up for a successful marriage. And don’t forget – your ‘forever person’ won’t just possess these qualities, but will be looking for someone who has them as well!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

Wifey Material or Nah?

If Proverbs 18:22 tells us “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, why do we believe wives are made after saying I do?
The scripture does not say he who finds a woman, then makes her his wife. Unmarried women let me encourage you today…..You don’t have to wait to be approached by a man before you are made into a wife! When you submit your life to the Lord and allow him to lead and guide you, he can teach you how to embody the characteristics of a wife!
Becoming a wife is not simply about being a great cook, being able to clean a house spotless or being able to bare children. Your qualifications of becoming a wife are not simply based on what the world say a wife is. After all, to the world many women with marriage certificates are wives. We see reality shows such as “Basketball Wives” or “Real Housewives of Atlanta” where the wives portrayed are half-dressed, spends money excessively, are always in drama, are rarely with their children, can’t cook, transfer from husband to husband based on who has the highest salary and are more concerned with being popular and the latest fashion than building their homes.
According to the book of Proverbs it takes more than a willing man, a ring, ceremony and a marriage certificate to become a wife. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a wife as a type of woman who…

  • has good character
  • is unselfish
  • is a nurturer
  • is good with money and knows how to multiply what she has
  • She is a provider and is good with her hands
  • she is respected and gives respect
  • she is productive and not lazy
  • she is a giver and knows how to serve others
  • she takes care of her appearance
  • she is full of wisdom
  • she knows how to watch her tongue
  • she is faithful
  • and most importantly she fears the Lord

Ladies, the next time you feel the desire to ask God for a husband, ask yourself first….”Am I am Wife?”
Let the word of God become your standard so he can make you ready for your future! When your future husband finds you, you don’t want him to just find a woman, but you want him to find a wife!

Categories
Dating/Courting

3 Things Not to Do on a Double Date

holidays, vacation, love and friendship concept - smiling couple having fun in city

It was early on into our dating relationship.
Scene set: Friday night, dinner and game night – a few rounds of Taboo at my house that suddenly went south.
As we had not experienced many double dates up to this point, we both unknowingly seized the opportunity to rally the support of the other couple to each other’s side regarding recent disagreements. Fortunately, we were able to recognize our actions and redirect the conversation to save a fun night with friends.
Here are some guidelines of things NOT to do when you begin double dating with other couples:
1. Spend the whole time on your phone
This should go without say – date or not – but chances are, you are looking for some human interaction that both you and your significant other can enjoy. Leave the virtual reality for a later time on your own.
2.  Over display your physical and emotional affections for your significant other.
If your touches make others around you feel uncomfortable, save it for later! Be mindful of your physical exchanges while in the company of others and how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. We get that you love each other, just don’t overdo it in public.
3. Use this time as a battle ground to prove who was right.
Don’t allow this to be a time to bring up past arguments in an attempt to rally more troops on your side. Remember what this night is about and don’t waste time airing out dirty laundry over past disagreements.
 
Have you experienced any double date night horrors?
How did you and your significant other save the day [or you didn’t]?

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

Is the Proverbs 31 Woman Even Real?

The first few times I read through Proverbs 31 were not intentional. Most of my understanding of her came from others. When I finally decided to intentionally look into this woman – I quickly closed my bible and said, “Umm yea, this woman is not real, I can’t relate.” Why? Well for one, I don’t like to cook or clean, I appreciate my sleep, I don’t know how to sew (takes me 30 minutes just to get the thread in the needle head), and at that time in my life, I was working and in school full-time (do people still farm? – don’t judge me I’m a city girl). I just didn’t have a connection with or understanding of this infamous woman.
Fast forward a few years; I found myself married with a beautiful baby girl. I always had a desire to support my home and serve my husband and children but when it came time to doing it, let’s just say a girl struggled just a little bit in a few areas. My attitude about it all wasn’t always the best either. To make matters worse, my areas of struggle were directly related to my husband’s #1 love language, acts of service.
Ugh! The reality of being a Proverbs 31 woman just didn’t seem realistic or appealing. So what I did is what I always do when I face challenges in life, go to my papa – God!  
After years of skipping and glazing over chapter 31 of the book of Proverbs. I finally decided to not just read but study the chapter with intention and purpose. What I discovered was amazing and within a day’s time, my heart, attitude and perspective of this woman changed. I’m delighted to be able to share my revelation with you on who the Proverbs 31 (P31) woman really is.
1. She’s not a real woman: What? Yea, seriously. I used to think she was a real woman just nameless like the Woman at the Well. However, the P31 woman was a description of a woman, King Lemuel’s mother gave to teach him as a young boy the qualities to look for in a wife. This truth freed me of comparison. Every quality I struggled with didn’t make me less than, now I just saw them as areas I had the opportunity to grow in.
2.  She was actually single: Think about it. King Lemuel’s mother was actually referring to single women since these were qualities she encouraged her son to look for in a future wife. Sooooo…. that means becoming a proverbs 31 woman starts while single not when you say “I do.” (Oops… I sorta missed that memo but I’m getting it together now). I find that many single women view the P31 woman as something they become in the future if/when they get married and have children but nope, this is for the now preparing for later.
 3. She’s a Queen: The description of the P31 woman wasn’t just about any ol’ housewife who wore an apron all day. She was royalty! We’re talking about the wife-to-be of a king, remember? She’s a Queeeen! (She’s Your Queeeeen lyrics from Coming to America just popped in my head. Ha!). She was helping her king run a kingdom. A Queen knows her position, value and authority in her kingdom.
4.  She’s a BOSS:   This point is my favorite! The P31 woman loved God and her family but she was also about her business literally. For whatever reason, she is typically coined as a wife and mother who domestically serves her home and family, but after categorizing each verse her qualities are equally divided.  1/3 of her qualities were about her soul and her relationship with God, another 1/3 focused on her domestic abilities to manage and support her home and family, and the final third showed that she was business-wise and entrepreneurial. This woman didn’t just sit at home cooking and cleaning all day. Nope! She was also using her gifts, talents and expertise to bring in income for her family. However, she was balanced and prioritized while doing it all. I was excited to see the importance of this quality in her life. I’m all about pursuing purpose and using our gifts as women.
As cliché as the Proverbs 31 woman might be to some, she is truly a woman I strive to be. A woman of God who fully understands her worth and value, happily married, with successful relationships with her husband, children and community but yet a wise and a bomb business woman.