Tag: marriage

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Finances Marriage

4 Tips to Have Money Conversations In Marriage

Young couple managing finances, reviewing their bank accounts using laptop computer and calculator at modern kitchen. Woman and man doing paperwork together, paying taxes online on notebook pc

Trying to take control of your money but have having a hard time getting your spouse on board?
Do you find it awkward or uncomfortable when you try to discuss the state of your finances?
Does money often cause arguments in your relationship?
Looking to change the future of your finances but need a little help getting the conversation going?
It’s difficult when you find yourself in any of the above situations, but fear not! We are here to help. Try some of these quick tips below:
1. Ask your spouse – What are some of your short term and long term goals/dreams?
This question will allow them to open up about where they want to go, and it will help cultivate conversation on how the two of you plan to get there.
2. Dedicate a regular time you both can agree that will be set aside to talk about finances.
The frequency will depend on your needs as a couple, but setting up a time to talk regularly allows each spouse to mentally prepare for the conversation and come up with different points they may want to discuss on the matter.
3. Total up all your debts, assets, current cash flow and look at your monthly expenses. Start crunching some numbers to get a better status of your current financial situation. You can look at:

    • What does 6 months of expenses look like?

This was EXTREMELY eye opening to us. With money flowing in and out of our account on a monthly basis, we didn’t realize how much it takes to maintain our lifestyle.

    • What are our average utility bills? Have any of our bills gone up?

This will help you be more aware of your costs and keep from being overcharged. If you are not careful, your bills may start going up once a promotion has ended and you are signed up for a service you did not want to pay for. Don’t be taken advantage of because of ignorance.

    • What expenses are we paying for on a monthly basis that we can do without?

This can be tricky – one spouse may feel something is worth paying for while the other does not. This is not meant to start more arguments, but to discuss expenses that you both feel are non-negotiable, and others that are more luxurious to put things in perspective for both of you.
4. Create a pros & cons list regarding your financial goals.
Show your spouse the benefits, but ask them for their thoughts and opinions. Allow them to have a voice, and be willing to compromise so you both are happy. If these are goals you both want to achieve, it will be much easier to make progress.
 
Remember: these are just tips to get the conversation going, not necessarily solutions. Like anything else, the more you do it, the easier it will get. Money doesn’t have to be an argumentative topic if you train it to be positive, and treat it like a resource to grab the future you are looking for.

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Communication Marriage

Your Spouse Shouldn't Have To Beg For Your Validation

Young black woman drinking tea and chatting with boyfriend on couch

by Ed & Sharita Gray
The phrase “validation without solicitation” is just an alternative way of describing  the “confirmation of your affirmation”. The meaning behind all of those big fancy words is simple: for you to express by way of word AND action (without being prompted to do so by your spouse)….that your spouse is of significant value to you. Both of the words “validation” and “affirmation” point to the word “confirmation”. Confirmation is best described as proving a truth by acknowledging it with absolute certainty. So, when you say to your spouse, “I love you!” and he/she quips back with, “…well then prove it!” This is what they actually mean….confirm your love for me. No one wants to merely hear that they are appreciated, or only be told that they are loved or doing a great job. Your VERBALIZATION has to be followed up with VALIDATION.
 
This is not just true of marriages or relationship, it’s even true on your job. If you were assigned a project on your job and you worked night and day, and put your all into making the project a success, then naturally you would expect for your employer to acknowledge the fact that you had done a really good job. Or maybe you’ve worked for a particular company for many years and you’ve been a tremendous employee, then naturally you too would expect for your employer to acknowledge the many years served and the job well done. But wouldn’t it be at least a tad bit insulting, or make you feel the least bit unappreciated or devalued, if the only thing that your employer did was “tell” you that you did a good job on the project or that the company appreciated your many years served. It would be totally natural and normal to experience these feelings because something is missing. But what is it that’s missing? In a word…VALIDATION! NO, “acknowledgement” is not a suitable substitute for validation. Acknowledgement should only serve as the precursor to validation. Validation demands that an action takes place.
 
So, as it relates to your place of employment, job well done on the project, or many years served, validation would demand a tangible gift. A tangible gift could possibly be a raise, or an extra day added to your vacation time, or a company paid lunch at a local restaurant, etc. But if they only “told” you how good of a job you did or how much they appreciated your many years of service, then it wouldn’t take long before their “words” became just that-only words! You would soon begin to ponder the same phrase that Janet Jackson coined in one of her hit songs, “What have you done for me lately?”
 
So, if we understand this analogy as it pertains to our job….why is it so hard to understand it as it relates to our marriages and relationships? Merely telling your spouse or significant other that you love them or care about them will only carry you so far. After that you may actually hear Janet Jackson in your spouse when he/she poses the question, “what have you done for me lately?” So, before your spouse prompts you with this question, ask yourself-”What have I ‘DONE’ for him/her lately?!” If your answer is “Nothing” or “Very little,” then NOW is the best time to change that.
 
Lastly and finally, remember this one important detail: Your spouse wants to be validated without soliciting you. This simply means that your spouse does not want to have to tell you that you need to do something nice or tangible for them. Nor do they want to have to toot their own horn in an effort to hint to you that they need to be acknowledged and validated. You yourself would feel much more valuable and appreciated if your employer came to you and after acknowledging the job well done or years served; followed that up with a tangible gift. Why? Because there is something FULL-filling about not having to beg for appreciation. So, let’s stop leaving our spouse empty and dry in this area as well. Your spouse deserves the same treatment that you desire. Now, leave this computer, phone or tablet and GO VALIDATE!
 
Ed and Sharita Gray are a dynamic, married duo committed to helping tip the scales in favor of whole and healthy marriages. Check them out over at their blog www.edandsharita.com.

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Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

3 Habits to Maintain Integrity In Your Marriage

Beautiful young couple is talking and smiling while sitting on sofa at home. Man is holding a cup

So what does it mean to be a man or woman of integrity?  The meaning of integrity comes from the Latin adjective ‘integer’, which means “soundness or wholeness.” This translates to husbands and wives being honest and having strong godly principles.  When integrity is present in your marriage, there is an alignment between your relationship with God and actions towards your spouse. Here are some simple habits that can help you maintain integrity in your marriage:

1. Be Trustworthy. 2 Corinthians 4:2 says that “we refuse to wear masks and play games. We don’t maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don’t twist God’s Word to suit ourselves.  Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open.” In marriage, integrity proves your motives and opens the door to cultivating trust. Being authentic and trustworthy is the key ingredient to building love and respect between you and your spouse. Building integrity is a plus because it creates a determination for you and spouse to stick to godly standards, even when it’s hard or not a popular stance.

2. Live Your Values. What are your core values? Do your motivating factors in your marriage match God’s principles? Are you the same person in private as you are in public? Proverbs 11:3 says that “the integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” These are questions to consider because your values affect your marriage. What we do in private reflects our heart’s condition.  Holding yourself accountable, developing sound values, and communicating those values will speak volumes of your integrity in your marriage. Remember, living out your godly values is key to walking the talk of integrity.

3. Protect Your Marriage.  Integrity protects the health of your marriage, where your spouse gains confidence in the consistency of your integrity and behavior. However, when the integrity of your marriage is compromised, it can create a threat to the success of your marriage that damages the climate of trust in your marriage. Husbands and wives protect their marriage by maintaining a willingness to share their deepest feelings, desires, concerns, and hurts.

God is glorified and delighted as we pursue integrity.  The value of maintaining integrity in your marriage is important because it is the glue that holds you and your spouse together. Using these simple habits in tandem with continued development of godly character, will help you maximize integrity for marital growth.

Categories
Marriage

Using the Armor of God to Protect Your Marriage

Praying Couple

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Communication Marriage Parenting Spiritual Intimacy

Three Everyday Moments You’re Under-Appreciating

Family laughing around a good meal in kitchen

My wife and I have fallen in love with the Pearson family from the hit NBC dramedy, This Is Us. It depicts a family growing and becoming who they are over the passage of time. We love the realism of the family dynamics, the un-glamorous “real-talk” of the husband and wife, and the lessons that make you realize that God is truly in the details.
I love that it highlights the simple moments. The dad is a hard-working, loving, blue-collar worker, and the mom is a stay-at-home mom with musical aspirations. Simple moments, like being at the pool on a sweltering summer day, or turning a bad Thanksgiving Day into a family tradition, are what make This Is Us really shimmer.
America needs this. America needs to be reminded of God’s gift of family in the little moments. We are apparently under the delusion that life is only significant on the mountain tops. But if we aren’t careful, we are going to look up and see that we shunned the glorious by ignoring the ordinary.
But God is building something in your family, and it is worth paying attention to.
You may be under-appreciating these three everyday moments that, though seemingly ordinary, are actually holy.

  1. Dinner time moments. Humanity has been gathering around a meal since the dawn of time. These are pivotal moments for a young family that will culminate into forming the bedrock of your children, marriage, and family dynamics. This isn’t just a culinary experience; it’s a spiritual one. Before Jesus went to the Cross, He sat down with His disciples for a meal. (Matthew 26:20-30) After His resurrection, when His disciples were trying in vain to catch fish, Jesus was ready to serve them breakfast. (John 21:1-14) Don’t rush through your four-year-old’s never-ending story. You’re going to miss that someday. Actually listen to your spouse divulge all the messy details about his or her day—and don’t forget to share yours too.
  2. Hard communication moments. My wife and I have not had many intense fights in our marriage, thankfully. But we have had tension, as every marriage will. But God is in those moments, too. In fact, there were times that I would be so frustrated by a conflict in our communication that I would tell my wife that I needed a walk. I always come back, though. Those walks usually end up being “walks to the Cross.” I see how I contributed to the dissonance, receive some discipline from my Heavenly Father, and re-enter the house with a genuine posture of humility. Don’t take moments like these for granted. My walks to the Cross have led me to the feet of Jesus every time—and our family has grown in spite of those hard communication moments.
  3. Hilarious moments. Last year, I used some money I received for my birthday to purchase a TV for our bedroom, so we could have mini-dates at home. Last week, my four-year-old son threw a truck at that TV. My wife called me on the way home from work so I could prepare for it. I was…bothered…to say the least. Nevertheless, I walked in the house, kissed my wife, and hugged my children. Yes, even my four-year-old. He looked up at me and said, “But Daddy, I need to tell you da twoof (truth). I thwoo (threw) my twuck at the TV and bwoke it.” I laughed—a lot. “I know, son. It’s just a TV, and you’re just a kid. I love you more than any old TV. It’s OK.” These are moments that build a legacy.

Don’t miss God in these small moments.
 
 

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Communication Home Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

3 Prayers to Become A Better Wife

Young girl praying in nature by the Sea

When I first got married 9 years ago, I learned the value of the pursuit of prayer dealing with circumstances we faced and disagreements we had. I was taught in church how the Lord wants to be included in every aspect of our lives. He desires for us to talk to Him and pray about everything. Nothing is too small or too big for the Lord because He’s always listening. But as He listens, He wants the conversation to be a two-way connection. He talks, you listen. You talk, He listens (1 John 5:14-15).
So I did just that in my prayer time. However, I would often spend time praying and talking to God, seeing no change to the challenges we were having. I remember one day crying out to God saying, “Do you hear me, God, are you listening?” I struggled with knowing if God actually heard me and played the blame game with my husband because I felt he needed to change more than I did. One day, while in a Christian bookstore, I spotted a CD series entitled, “Wife after God: Drawing Closer to God & Your Husband.” From that moment, my life drastically changed in how I approached God in prayer.
I learned that praying for my husband meant God was changing me! I was getting caught up in all the things that I wanted God to change about him, when all God was speaking back to me was about me. What a reality check! As I continued to pray and listen to the CD series, seeds were planted that came against everything that I thought was wrong in my marriage. As I began to apply the principles I learned, changes happened because I developed a heart after God and a heart of compassion for our marriage (Psalm 32:8). One dramatic change from my prayers was I learned (and I am still learning) how to be a better wife for my husband.
Here are 3 things I learned to pray for to become a better wife:

  1. To serve and honor my husband well: I learned that loyalty is sometimes demonstrated in marital challenges. As I prayed, God shared that difficult times were what He was using to cultivate the depth of my commitment to Him and my husband. My demonstration of loyalty, affirmation, genuine love, and a servant’s heart allowed me to grow in godly character towards my husband (Philippians 2:1-4).
  1. To think before you speak: Proverbs 21:23 offers some good advice: “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.” I learned to ask God when I prayed to give me the best time to talk with my husband and the right tone when communicating with him.
  1. To set aside time for each other: Praying about our quality time taught me to be intentional with our special times together. Date nights could be watching Netflix together, taking walks, or having game nights. Remember, the most important thing is to strengthen your love connection and be creative!

A happy marriage is worth the effort of allowing God to help you become a better mate for your husband or wife. What prayers could you pray to strengthen your marriage?
 

Categories
Communication Marriage

How You Are Hurting Your Husband's Growth

Returning russian wife in shock of husband and shrunken plants

Ladies, I will be the first to admit. Control is a HARD THING to overcome. As women, I think it is natural for us to want to take over a situation – as nurturers, we want to make sure everyone is provided for and everything is order. Here are some tips to help keep you sane and allow your husband to grow.
Know your limitations
Understand your limitations and don’t bury yourself! You will stress yourself out and get to a point of bursting because you are trying to balance and task manage every little thing.
The beauty of a marriage is TWO PEOPLE. That is another person to share all of life’s crazy tasks with – calling insurance, grocery shopping, taking the kids to their activities, whatever! Find a balance that works for your family unit and if you are overwhelmed ASK FOR HELP! Your husband may read you well, but he is not a mind reader! Be conscious of your state of mind and what you are capable of handling on your plate.
Give him the chance to help you
If you want extra help keeping the household in order, start providing small opportunities your husband can tackle while you take care of some of the more tedious tasks. Try giving him the grocery list to do the grocery shopping for the week, or give him the utility bill to pay online every month. The more they are involved, the more help they will be, and the more they realize how much you contribute to running the household.
Men compartmentalize their thoughts, while women are often thinking of what needs to get done next. Communicate your needs or desires and give him a date you need it completed by to help minimize the nagging and ensure it gets taken care of.
Have the faith that he CAN do it
After a year of marriage, I found myself simply not asking him to do things because I had to ask 3 times before it got done – or I feared he would forget to do a part of the task, so instead of asking for his assistance, I just decided to take it on myself. WRONG WRONG WRONG. It was here that the Lord showed me I had idolized my method of doing things and doing them to (my idea of) perfection.
A few months ago, my husband had taken our dog to get groomed and I found myself asking all sorts of questions – How does she look? How much was it? Can you send me a picture? I realized that when I had been giving my husband tasks, I had been texting him asking questions through the whole thing instead of entrusting him to get it done. By acting this way, we are instilling a “not good enough” or “can’t do it right” mentality in our men, when we should be building them up!
When we nag and breathe down our husband’s back, we never give them an opportunity to achieve or exceed our expectations, but instead set a standard to where they always fall short. We drive home the point that they cannot do anything right, that we are the only ones that can complete a task, and do it to the highest standard.  
So maybe your daughter is not wearing the exact outfit you had in mind?
Maybe he plans to do the laundry tonight while the game is on instead of right now.
Or perhaps he makes the effort to clean the kitchen (even though it’s not as clean as you do it).
We need to celebrate and encourage our husbands as they grow to be the providers and head of the house. The only way your husband can grow is if you let him try. So for all my wives out there struggling with control, let today be the day you start to say “okay,” and let your hubby help run the show.
 

Categories
Marriage

My Husband Needs Help

719630

by Cassandra Bolar
No, my husband doesn’t possess any fatal flaws or defective personality traits – as a matter of fact, he is the most encouraging, appreciative, ambitious and loving man I know.  However, one day I had an epiphany that my husband needs some help, major help.  I realized this help wouldn’t require seeking a professional counselor or spending a dime.
 I came to the realization that my husband needs MY help, support, love and encouragement more than anyone else’s.  
 
This lightbulb went off when he was in the throes of preparing to launch his own business…
Without his prompting, I recognized that he would need my help in a very practical, hands-on manner.  I also realized that I have unique attributes and talents that would help him in the areas he would need the most assistance.  The hardest part of the realization was understanding the action that would be required of me; namely, making changes in my own life to fulfill this important role.  I had been so accustomed to doing my own thing that adjusting my life in major ways to support and help my husband seemed like a sacrifice that was too big for me.  I’d spent my entire life specializing in making my own dreams and aspirations come true, and I needed to make an important shift now that I was married (I’m a newlywed of two years).
I had to do some critical soul searching and figure out God’s wisdom on my role as a wife and how his insight should guide me in providing the help and support my husband needs.  Slowly but surely, my heart softened and eventually fully embraced the idea of providing the help my husband needs – regardless of the changes that are required of me.  I started to delight myself in supporting his dreams in major ways.  
 
The first step of this journey was clearly defining what it means to be a wife and using God’s wisdom on the topic.  
Then, “helpmeet” stood out to me.  Now, the English version, “helpmeet”, doesn’t quite give justice to the depth and significance of being a wife.  The Hebrew version of “helpmeet” is ezer (strength/power/rescue) kenegdo (alongside/counterpart), which better illustrates the beauty of being an equal partner with your husband and a source of strength and encouragement.
 For example, ezer was referenced in the bible during the times when people desperately needed the Lord’s help and strength to come through for them.  Being committed to providing this type of help for my husband has been a process, albeit a very rewarding process.  I have adopted his dreams as my own and vice versa.  
Additionally, assisting him with his dreams and goals has indirectly poured into my goals and dreams.  Never before have I been more on track for fulfilling the call on my life.  I discovered that supporting his dreams didn’t mean that I had to sacrifice my own – if anything, my dreams have been enhanced.
 
 At the end of the day, this process has led to creating something much bigger than ourselves – a family mission that involves the both of us.  For all the newly-weds out there, be encouraged, the changes that are needed to adjust to marriage may seem foreign in the beginning, but they will prove to be rewarding in the end.  The help and encouragement that are needed in marriage may be practical, spiritual or mental, and they have a way of being reciprocal in nature.  For all the wives out there,  how your husband needs your help in a desperate way, you’ll need his help, too! Make your dreams come true together.

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Communication Marriage

Top 4 Things I Learned in 1.5 Years of Marriage

dating or first love, young couple sitting together on the bench, view from the back

I LOVE reflecting. There is something so cool about looking back and seeing how far you have come. Reflection allows you to see progress, and helps you to put language to your future – where you want to go. As my husband and I celebrate 1.5 years of marriage today, here are the recent things I am learning in marriage I wanted to share with all of you.
 
1. The Importance of Follow Through.
Whether it is cleaning the dishes after dinner, fixing the leaking sink, or folding the laundry in the dryer.. when you follow through, it allows you to bring something to completion. It rids one thing off your plate, and avoids the all familiar [procrastination] that creeps in so easily if we let it. When we learn to follow through, it allows you to take control of things in your life instead of letting life continuously happen to you, and facing the potential consequences for not taking care of a task right away.
Example – procrastinating on a bill, forgetting and having a late payment. Leaving the laundry in the dryer, having wrinkled clothes when you want to wear that sweater you left in.
Although it may seem trivial, follow through helps teach you to be a planner and how to instill greater habits and disciplines in your daily routine.
 
2. Appreciation Goes A Long Way.
Thanks for doing the dishes. Thanks for taking the dog out. Thank you for driving tonight. Seem silly? Have you ever heard someone ask you to stop thanking them so much? I know I haven’t. Saying thanks and showing appreciation for your spouse’s actions is a really easy way to acknowledge the things they do, or say. Although praise should not be our motivation, it is nice to be noticed, whether it was intentional or not. Appreciation can remove the bitterness one may feel in taking on an additional household task and alter your spouse’s attitude in a given situation. It shifts the perspective from “I” to “we” as we realize we are working together to make life easier.
Think it’s pointless to have to say thanks for the small things? I can almost guarantee you it will help soften your next fight – to keep the laundry list of “things you didn’t do” out of your argument that you have been waiting to get credit for. So whether the giver or the receiver, remember appreciation goes a LONG way. Think about what you would want to hear, and provide the same support to your spouse.
 
3.  Let Go of Control.
As a single, you get used to doing things a certain way, or maybe at a certain time, and this is how you like it to be done. I remember when we first got married – my husband and I used to fold the bath towels differently. Was it really a big deal? No, but when you are used to something happening a certain way, it can drive you nuts! My advice to all our couples out there – think about what you are trying to control about your spouse.
Is your desire for control or “my way” causing you to take on more than you can handle in the relationship?
Are you inhibiting your husband’s growth or demeaning him as a man because you feel like you are the only one that can complete a task to an acceptable standard?
Is this situation/task detrimental to doing it your way, or will you get the same result if you let him accomplish it his way as well?
Control will drive you to the ground if you let it. For individuals with strong personalities, stepping back can be a hard thing to do. Evaluate what you have on your plate and be aware of what you can and can’t handle, before a blow up happens. Marriage has two people for a reason – start working like a team, not like a boss.
 
4. Communication is Key.
Biggest root of almost every disagreement: miscommunication. Whether it was misinterpreting words, what you “thought” you heard, apparent body language – our perception can greatly alter the result of a situation. Albeit, you and your spouse may not have the same communication styles, but learning each other’s, will help you understand how your spouse operates and how to communicate TOGETHER.
As you develop your functionality as a couple, my advice would be over communication vs. no communication. As a married person, you now have another person to consider. So if your meeting runs late, your friend wants to come over, or you are going to end up spending a little extra money than you expected, giving your spouse a heads up will make them feel valued and a part of the decision instead of feeling as if they didn’t have a voice in the situation, or were left in the dark. As time goes on, you’re expectations of each other will become more clear, and you’ll soon learn what types of things are important to your spouse to be communicated, and which notices you may go without.

Categories
Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

Forgiveness – It’s Essential for Your Marriage!

Young hipster couple hugging each other in winter forest

The most important skill in maintaining unity as a couple is practicing continual forgiveness. In marriage, couples will make mistakes, disappoint one another, and make some poor decisions. No one can deny that these things will occur. The only way to keep a marital relationship growing in the midst of our humanity is to forgive continually. The apostle Paul gave us an incredible challenge in the Word of God, located in Colossians 3:13:
Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you (The Message Bible).
Walking in complete forgiveness in a marriage requires couples to hold nothing against each other and decide to make a daily commitment to practice forgiveness as a lifestyle. Great marriages happen because couples learn never to stop apologizing to and forgiving one another. Couples are to “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32, LASB).

  • Forgiveness begins when couples choose to treat each other the same way that they would want God to treat them. It is when couples extend undeserved mercy that God extends His mercy to them.

 

  • Forgiveness frees you to go forward in life and forward in your relationship. It is a vertical, private act between you and God. Reconciliation is a horizontal act between people who have been separated by a hurt or grievance. Forgiveness and reconciliation work together to protect the integrity and love of a marital relationship. Continually forgiving your mate is all about the Lord’s grace, love, and mercy covering your marriage, through forgiveness, as a powerful testimony of His Glory.

 

  • Forgiveness helps couples to want the best for each other, because being bitter and resentful extracts the love, joy, and peace from your marriage.

 

  • Forgiveness is expensive – it cost Christ His life to die for the world’s imperfection. But the payoff was priceless because no amount of money can ever repay that kind of gift of love! When couples grasp how much God loves them when extending grace and unconditional love to each other, they will experience a marriage that overflows with God’s love.