Tag: courting

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Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Attributes a Man Needs to Date You

Man In Prayer
1. Unwavering Faith in Christ
Before Christ, I dated men that were filled with darkness because I too was filled with darkness. I was longing for love, not realizing that I didn’t have love. I was simply longing for an emotion that wasn’t on the inside of me. In essence, I longed for something I didn’t even know.
I found myself never waiting on the right one but simply settling for all the wrong ones. These men had no faith in God. They didn’t believe in the God that I knew growing up as a child. But again my reality set in, that I didn’t have faith in God either. I knew who God was but I didn’t completely trust that he could be ruler over my life.
I’ve encountered so many broken relationships in my life romantically that I arrived at a place in 2014 that I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I began to have faith in God because I saw for myself that He was the true and the living God. Now I desired not only to put my trust in the Most High God but to also wait for a man that had faith in God. I didn’t want a man with wavering faith. I needed a man that had unwavering faith in Jesus Christ.
2. Incorruptible Reputation
My past isn’t pretty. I’ve made some choices that I regretted making in this life. If you would read my story, my reputation was corrupt. If you heard some of things that I did, you would probably be shocked. Even sometimes when I look back over my life, I too am shocked at some choices I made. The great thing that I’ve discovered is the ashes of my past made beauty of my future.
When God called me out of darkness into his marvelous light in 2014, my sins were forgiven, my past was finished and I was a new creature in Christ Jesus. Living for Christ doesn’t mean that I’m perfect but that God thought I was worth it. Even now when I fall, His love covers me.
I had dated men that said all the right stuff, but their actions never aligned with their words. By the time I realized that they were liars, I had already invited them into my bed, only to find that they were not the one that God had ordained for my life.
So I came to a point of realizing that the man that God needed me to have would need to have an incorruptible reputation. I’m not saying that his past had to be squeaky clean. But I am saying that his walk with Christ had to align with the word of God. His actions had to align with the word of God. The way he treated others and even me had to resemble the word of God.
3. Strong Biblical Foundation
I learned so much about my heavenly father by reading the bible. It is through his word that I’ve become grounded in His truth. It is through His word that my life has transformed and the woman I use to be was formed into what my Heavenly Father wanted me to be. It’s through the bible that I learned how to pray and even what to say.
The man that I prayed for needed to have a biblical foundation. There are so many ideologies out there in the world. Many of our people are falling for beliefs that God never intended for us to consume our spirits with. Because of that very truth, I needed a man that had a strong biblical foundation. A man that wasn’t afraid to open his bible and study the word.  A man that was open to discussing the word aloud with me. A man that was open to being transparent so we could faith share together. A man that was willing to share his knowledge and wisdom with me.
We as women of God must never settle to have a piece of a man because God desires for us to have a whole man. Not just physically but also spiritually. Women of God, please wait for the man with an unwavering faith in Christ, an incorruptible reputation and a strong biblical foundation. Godly men do still exist!

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Engaged

Why I Would Never Get Married Without Pre-Marital Counseling

398611

In today’s society, it seems premarital counseling is often replaced with a “trial run” as couples are choosing to cohabit more and are pushing marriage off.  With couples getting married later or for those that do not have a strong faith connection, many feel they know what they need to know and are okay with bypassing counseling. However, here are some values of premarital counseling you may want to consider:
 
Pre-marital counseling helps to identify potential problem areas in your relationship.
I don’t care how healthy your relationship is, EVERYONE has something they could work on. Whether it is differing views on managing money, or how each of you prefers to handle conflict, counseling is a good way to help identify those areas of improvement. As a third party, a counselor or mentor brings an objective perspective to the equation as they point out or recognize things about your relationship that may be blinded to the both of you. Counselors also help shed light on relationship issues without one getting offended by the other.
 
Pre-marital counseling brings up situations you would not think to discuss BEFORE they are an issue.
My husband and I went through the book 101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged, and I was amazed at how much we benefited from the process! The questions focused on everything from kids, finances, marriage expectations, role definitions, life-shaping experiences, holidays, etc. It forced us to face potential relationship disagreements BEFORE they occurred.  Here are a few examples –
What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult?
What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? What have you done to address these concerns?
Describe how you were disciplined as a child. If you have children, how will your discipline be the same and how will it be different than you experienced?
What have you learned from your previous relationships that will make you a better partner for someone at this time?
Counseling also helps to instill realistic expectations once the wedding is over.
 
What do you have to lose?
What’s the worst that can happen – you call the wedding off? I would consider that a win versus a lifetime of unhappiness because you didn’t face the challenges of your relationship head on. Counseling will help force communication between future spouses and encourage you to start working as a team before you are united as one. Think of this as the vision board of your marriage – it’s your opportunity to draw the blueprint – what your dreams are, where you want to go, what you want to build, etc. If anything, it will also be a good opportunity to take a step away from the wedding planning and focus on the two of you (which is what this whole wedding thing is about, right?)
Married and Young believes in this so much that they have created a BRAND NEW program for seriously dating and engaged couples called, “Me & You Forever”.
If you are interested and would like to sign up for the waiting list, then click here. 
 
Don’t let wedding planning inhibit your investment into your relationship and future together. I PROMISE you WON’T regret it!

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Dating/Courting Engaged

How to Remain Celibate While Dating

Interracial couple in love having fun in the city

Recently, I was asked if my husband I were celibate before marriage and if so, how?
My response: “yes and one word – boundaries!”
Before I met my husband I made up in my mind I wasn’t going to make the same mistake for a third time and I was determined to remain faithful to God and honor Him with not only my life but my body.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I learned from previous mistakes that it’s better to avoid temptation than be in a situation where you have to flee it. When my husband and I started dating we made sure to only see each other in public and we never visited each other’s homes. It was best to just avoid close quarters. Watching a movie late at night while my roommate was out of town was no longer an option.
Along with our boundaries there were several things that helped us remain celibate before marriage:
1. Understanding: we were both on the same page.  We both had the same end goal of marriage, thus, we were intentional about dating God’s way.
Dating someone who is not fully in agreement would had been hard. I’ve been in that situation before and failed.  You’re more likely to be tempted by your partner  and he/she may not be as committed to the relationship.
2.  Accountability: we both had someone close to us, who we allowed to check in on us. My husband and I came up with a grading scale and after every date we would rate ourselves. We got a C once but never failed. Sounds funny now but it worked, and we would share our grades with our accountability partners.
3.  Protecting Your Eye & Ear Gates: when dating it may be best to skip over the love scenes in movies and avoid some of  your favorite R&B songs. It’s probably best to stick to comedy and gospel. Ha!
 
Abstinence while dating is absolutely possible but it takes intentionality. However, it’s always worth the wait!

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Dating/Courting Single

3 Benefits of Seriously Dating in College

Young couple in love in town sitting on stairs, holding hands

Although it seems counter-cultural to discuss the possibility of marriage during your college years, I believe the lack of dating intentionally during this time frame is part of the reason people are getting married later in life. As individuals graduate from college and start to look for that special someone to settle down with, they are encountering challenges in meeting new people to even consider dating!
Coming from a Christian university it seemed to be ALL that was talked about, to the point that you felt shamed if you did come to school seeking a spouse. How could you come to school with the classic “ring by spring” mentality?!
Well, today I come to challenge the negative perspective on seeking a spouse in your college years. Here are some benefits to seriously dating in college.
 
1.  There are the most people your age and in similar walks of life, all concentrated in one location.
 
Talking with my friends post college, it almost seems IMPOSSIBLE to meet new friends – let alone potential dating candidates – anywhere other than a bar or the latest dating app. Understand that college is a time in your life where you have immediate access and ease of ability to meet new people.

  • Join a club.
  • Try intramural sports.
  • Hang out in the quad.
  • Talk to people in your class.

Chances are you are bound to click with at least one person, and you never know the friendships you may form, or the people you may meet through that one connection.
 
 2. It is a time of self-discovery and self-actualization.
 
For many individuals, college is their first time on their own. It’s the first time they have really been placed in an environment where they are forced to confront what is important to them: what they value, where they want to go in life, and who they want to be. Okay, maybe that’s a little deep for some of our college freshmen [and underclassmen] out there, but you get the point. Often during this time you start to realize values that are important to you that would be important for a significant other to share.
 
3. There is a higher probability of finding someone who shares your morals and values.
 
This point may resonate more to those that attend a Christian or faith-based university. But what I am getting at is the following: if your faith is important to you, and you want it to be the basis of your relationship, going to a Christian university will most likely improve the probability of finding a significant other that feels the same way and there is no shame in that. If you want to learn how to play basketball you don’t show up at a soccer field. Decide what is important to you and seek it out. Don’t settle on your top values on fear of not finding someone else.
Of course, college is not all about finding a spouse, but it was an added bonus I was able to take along with my bachelor’s degree and am very thankful for that. Some people may not be mature enough to even pursue the idea of marriage at this time, and that is okay too. Be honest with yourself about where you are in life and if you are truly happy. Remember – finding a spouse is not going to complete you, or make you happier. You have to be content and love who you are before you can love someone else.

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Dating/Courting Marriage

3 Character Flaws That Are Causing Your Relationship Struggles

Couple not talking after a fight on the sofa in living room at home

Once the honeymoon stage is over, the human, flawed version of your significant other will begin to show. After looking back at arguments my husband and I had in the first year of our marriage, I began to notice some recurring roots and how they inhibited us from resolving quickly. Disagreements are going to happen, that’s a given – what matters is how you respond to them. Here are some common hindrances that are keeping you from managing conflict in a healthy way.
1.  Stubbornness
Stubbornness at its core is a pride issue. When responding with stubbornness in an argument, it is often a resistance to change and a struggle of idolizing your way or your opinion. The key to overcoming stubbornness in conflict is a healthy dose of compromise. You cannot expect your significant other to change all their habits and ways to match yours – it is unrealistic! You are two different people. Be willing to listen to what they have to say.
2.  Selfishness
Want to know how selfish you are? Get married. When you join your life with another person you begin to see how you have to make sacrifices for the health and growth of your relationship or the betterment of your family. It can be challenging when you have another person to take into consideration for all your decisions, and it is also impacted by the consequences of your actions.
 
Is not getting your way worth sitting in different rooms or enduring a long, silent car ride for hours not talking to each other? Act like an adult, own up to your mistakes, take the blame, and say sorry. Decide how you are going to move forward and prevent the situation from happening again.
 
3.  Lack of Communication/Miscommunication
Many of times I have found that the fight was started either because something was communicated/received in a way other than intended, or there was no communication, leading to a vast array of potential outcomes. One of the best lessons you will ever learn: your spouse is not a mind reader! If you want help, ask! You can’t get upset with your significant other if they had no reason to think, act, or respond otherwise. Often times women want men to “just know” that they need help with the dishes after dinner, or the laundry left over in the dryer. Men function better with direct communication instead of beating around the bush in hopes that they just “get it”.
 
If an argument is due to communication, acknowledge where the gap occurred, and develop a plan to avoid it in the future. There is no need to place fault on either party (communication is a two way street – the talker and the receiver). Just learn from it and move forward.
 
And just in case you do find yourself in a quarrel with your partner, make some non-negotiables. Here are some healthy boundaries my husband and I have in place for our marriage.  

  • Never go to bed angry or sleep in separate beds as a result of an argument.
  • Don’t involve other parties in the argument unless they are a mentor and are helping you work through it.
  • Never talk negatively about each other.
  • Don’t ever throw out the D-word (divorce).
  • Don’t hang up the phone or walk out/leave the house out of anger.

Just know, arguments are NORMAL. Take them as an opportunity to grow as a couple, and prosper a healthy relationship.  
 
Anyone else notice patterns in their relationship?
What helps you and your spouse work through the heat of an argument?
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

7 Subtle Qualities to Watch For in a Significant Other

Couple having picnic on beach

If you’re anything like me, you could rattle off a handful of characteristics that you’re looking for in a spouse. Ranging from values, to appearance, to similar interests, it’s easy to dream up the ‘ideal spouse’ and filter your dating experiences through that lens.  While that’s all fine and dandy, I believe there are some characteristics that require a little more scrutiny and often get overlooked, but can greatly impact the quality of a long-term relationship. Here are a few traits to search for if you’re wanting to find someone who will be your forever person.
1) Someone That Will Choose You
The idea of a marriage where both people are head over heels in love every minute sure is a nice thought, but… completely unrealistic. If you are dating someone that seems to be looking for that type of relationship, you’ll want to get a deeper understanding of how they view marriage and how they will handle adversity before it gets serious. Look for a person who knows that there is intentionality involved in a commitment.
2) Someone Who is Open to Self-Improvement
If the person you’re interested in makes comments like ‘this is just the way I am,’ or ‘I’ve always done things this way’ you may want to ask more questions to see where they stand on self-improvement. Marriage involves compromise, so if your significant other is set in his/her ways, it could create some major conflict later on. But if your love interest is working on weaknesses and is wanting to continually better themselves, there is a great chance that they will carry that into a marriage – allowing an opportunity for both of you to be your best for the other!
3) Contentedness
Is the person you’re dating happy with themselves and their life as it is? Or are they constantly looking for the next best thing? If he/she doesn’t seem to be content, they might be looking to you to be their source of happiness. If this is the case, it’s inevitable that either a) you will get burnt out trying to keep them happy or b) they will look for someone or something else to fill that void. True contentedness comes from a rooted identity in God, and when both people are grounded in that truth, there is an added stability to the relationship.
4) Values What You Value
Simply put – you will want to be with someone who cares about your dreams and desires if you want to really thrive in those areas of your life. If your significant other isn’t interested in the areas of your life that you are most passionate about, it could easily bring discouragement and tension. Note – this doesn’t mean that you have to share the exact same passions.
5) Sees the Big Picture
Does your significant other have long term plans? Are they careful with their finances? Do they know what they want to do career-wise? Do they know if they want to have a family? These are areas of life that could significantly affect both of you down the road, and so it’s important to find out where he/she stands on these issues before getting serious.
6) Has a Positive View on Family
Our histories with family influence our thoughts and actions greatly. Some have learned how to do family well because that’s the example that was set. But there are some people who have been so hurt by their family that they either a) resent family in general, b) haven’t recognized it and therefore repeat the same mistakes their family may have made, or hopefully, c) want to completely redeem their family history. Ask questions about your significant other’s history and get an understanding on how they view family. If they have a negative outlook you may want to be cautious before promising them forever.
7) Betters Others
Is the person you’re interested in the type that wants to bring out the best in others or convince them to make poor choices in one way or another? I have dated both types, and found that the latter has a way of sucking the life out of you. Pay attention to the type of influence he/she has on you – chances are pretty good that it will carry into marriage!
All in all, there’s much to think about before making a long term commitment to another person…with good reason! You’ll never find a perfect person, but paying attention to the little things could set you both up for a successful marriage. And don’t forget – your ‘forever person’ won’t just possess these qualities, but will be looking for someone who has them as well!

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Dating/Courting Home Single

Is the Proverbs 31 Woman Even Real?

The first few times I read through Proverbs 31 were not intentional. Most of my understanding of her came from others. When I finally decided to intentionally look into this woman – I quickly closed my bible and said, “Umm yea, this woman is not real, I can’t relate.” Why? Well for one, I don’t like to cook or clean, I appreciate my sleep, I don’t know how to sew (takes me 30 minutes just to get the thread in the needle head), and at that time in my life, I was working and in school full-time (do people still farm? – don’t judge me I’m a city girl). I just didn’t have a connection with or understanding of this infamous woman.
Fast forward a few years; I found myself married with a beautiful baby girl. I always had a desire to support my home and serve my husband and children but when it came time to doing it, let’s just say a girl struggled just a little bit in a few areas. My attitude about it all wasn’t always the best either. To make matters worse, my areas of struggle were directly related to my husband’s #1 love language, acts of service.
Ugh! The reality of being a Proverbs 31 woman just didn’t seem realistic or appealing. So what I did is what I always do when I face challenges in life, go to my papa – God!  
After years of skipping and glazing over chapter 31 of the book of Proverbs. I finally decided to not just read but study the chapter with intention and purpose. What I discovered was amazing and within a day’s time, my heart, attitude and perspective of this woman changed. I’m delighted to be able to share my revelation with you on who the Proverbs 31 (P31) woman really is.
1. She’s not a real woman: What? Yea, seriously. I used to think she was a real woman just nameless like the Woman at the Well. However, the P31 woman was a description of a woman, King Lemuel’s mother gave to teach him as a young boy the qualities to look for in a wife. This truth freed me of comparison. Every quality I struggled with didn’t make me less than, now I just saw them as areas I had the opportunity to grow in.
2.  She was actually single: Think about it. King Lemuel’s mother was actually referring to single women since these were qualities she encouraged her son to look for in a future wife. Sooooo…. that means becoming a proverbs 31 woman starts while single not when you say “I do.” (Oops… I sorta missed that memo but I’m getting it together now). I find that many single women view the P31 woman as something they become in the future if/when they get married and have children but nope, this is for the now preparing for later.
 3. She’s a Queen: The description of the P31 woman wasn’t just about any ol’ housewife who wore an apron all day. She was royalty! We’re talking about the wife-to-be of a king, remember? She’s a Queeeen! (She’s Your Queeeeen lyrics from Coming to America just popped in my head. Ha!). She was helping her king run a kingdom. A Queen knows her position, value and authority in her kingdom.
4.  She’s a BOSS:   This point is my favorite! The P31 woman loved God and her family but she was also about her business literally. For whatever reason, she is typically coined as a wife and mother who domestically serves her home and family, but after categorizing each verse her qualities are equally divided.  1/3 of her qualities were about her soul and her relationship with God, another 1/3 focused on her domestic abilities to manage and support her home and family, and the final third showed that she was business-wise and entrepreneurial. This woman didn’t just sit at home cooking and cleaning all day. Nope! She was also using her gifts, talents and expertise to bring in income for her family. However, she was balanced and prioritized while doing it all. I was excited to see the importance of this quality in her life. I’m all about pursuing purpose and using our gifts as women.
As cliché as the Proverbs 31 woman might be to some, she is truly a woman I strive to be. A woman of God who fully understands her worth and value, happily married, with successful relationships with her husband, children and community but yet a wise and a bomb business woman.

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Dating/Courting Marriage

The Superpower Every Man Needs From Their Woman

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

“The Lord God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” Genesis 2:18

Did you know God created women with superpowers? Well, he did. When God created us, he gave us special capabilities to HELP the men in our life progress….and on the flip side, regress!

When I think of a “helper”, I think of someone willing to do what it takes to ensure the goal is met. Someone who is encouraging, speaks positively, and uplifts the one he/she is helping.  The problem is, women are often associated with the terms “nagging” and “complaining” (in our defense, some of us are just stating what we see). Anywho, my point is God equipped us to assist our loved ones (males specifically) across their finish line(s). Problem is, some of us are killing them, their hopes, and dreams before they can reach them.
Proverbs 21:19 “ Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”. Why would it be better for a man to live in a desert, rather than with his helpmate, who nags occasionally?  Question…Have you ever tried to work on something and a fly KEPT buzzing around you? How distracting did it become? How much more would you have been able to accomplish had the fly NOT been around.

The same goes for being a helpmate. Men need encouragement! Though they may never express it, they too struggle with insecurities, fears, possibilities and disappointments. To have someone constantly remind you of your shortcomings and failures has a way of killing what little hope was left.

Instead, I challenge those who are in relationships (married or courting) to use your superpowers for good, not evil! Lift the men in your life up, encourage them, remind them of the king that lives within, and watch their drive and motivation kick in! In my experience, men are most concerned with the opinion of those closest to them.
Ladies, with our words alone we have the power to EMPOWER, INSPIRE, PUSH and MOTIVATE our men to be EVERYTHING GOD CALLED THEM TO BE! There’s only one problem, many of us have grown accustom to sharing their flaws, killing their self-esteem and making them feel invaluable, which has the power to hinder them from completing the task they were ultimately sent here to complete.
These last few weeks have been eye opening to me. I’ve learned, the right amount of listening, encouraging, motivating and praying goes much further than my nagging!

Be encouraged.

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

5 Benefits of Marrying Your Best Friend

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

As many guy best friends often get stuck in the “friend zone,” here are some points to consider on why your best friend may just be the perfect spouse in the making.
 

  1. You enjoy the same things.

Chances are if he is your best friend, you probably have a few things in common – whether that’s hiking, reading books, your passion for working out, ministry, etc. You probably share common interests that make you enjoy this person’s company. Knowing you like the same things can only help to guarantee that you will always have fun!
 

  1.  They know you better than you know yourself.

 
Although this may not be entirely true, your best friend has the ability to recognize things about you that you may not see for yourself, constantly encouraging you to be the best version of YOU! With marriage being a super friendship, having a partner that supports you and loves you unconditionally for who you are will go a long way.
 

  1. What you see is what you get – as in, you know what you are getting into.

When a relationship starts after a friendship, it is likely that you have seen this person at their highest and lowest, through their ups and downs. Starting with a friendship allows you to see how this person will react in different situations because they are not trying to impress you, but are merely being themselves. Friendship allows you to see an individual in their most natural form, before feelings enter and potentially blur judgments or cloud perspective.
 

  1. You share the same morals, values, and beliefs.

Although I don’t think any two people may ever be 100% on the same page, sharing your life with someone that has the same ideology as you will have positive effects on your relationship. It allows you to connect on a deeper level, and ensure the foundation of your own family would be raised up on those same values that are important to you.
 

  1. When the feelings fade, you still like each other.

Feelings are a funny thing – they come and go, but true love is deeper than a feeling. A relationship built on friendship instills a greater, more firm foundation rather than one built on something that is fleeting. You realize you enjoy being around this person because you like who they are as a whole, not just for their looks or something superficial. Aside from feelings, friendship may also carry a deeper sense of trust and loyalty. Often best friends have gone through many seasons with you, and to remain by your side through it all, may give just a glimpse of how your love could stand the test of time.
 
I hope this challenges you to revisit your original thoughts on a friendship you may have. Who knows, your future husband could be that friend you swore you would never date as my husband once said about me.  
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

How Grief Affects Your Relationships

by Raven Evans
Unbeknownst to many folk, grief is the common factor in most relationship issues that couples face on a regular basis. However, grief has a silver lining. God created grief with good intentions; he wanted us to feel it and overcome it. The problem with this unbearable sadness is that many stay stuck on the wrong side of it, never healing from the initial effects.
 
Grief is our natural reaction to loss and as humans, loss is inevitable. It starts when we leave the birth canal and enter into a world of unfamiliarity; the environment around us is no longer the comfortable womb that we have been in for the past nine months. We must now adapt to new sounds, voices, images, feelings, and surroundings. All humans go through this process and it is not an uncommon experience; even as infants, we grieve over our losses. Grief encourages us to understand and overcome our emotions in a healthy way by helping us adjust to the constant changes in environment, which life always brings; it helps us to evolve as God intended.
Most of us are not still upset over what happened at birth, but we are still grieving over our traumatic childhood experiences, especially when it comes to how we interact with others. These past events are affecting our ability to have healthy and stable relationships in the present. The seeds of rejection, disappointment, and negative emotions, which are often planted in childhood, come to fruition during our adult life. These seeds lead to insecurity, instability, and emotional distress during our daily lives.
You are probably still grieving over each failed relationship from your early days and the pattern that has emerged in your daily interactions is a byproduct of that grief. You may be finding it difficult to have lasting romantic relationships. Your soul is still comparing your previous relationships to your current one or the one that you are actively pursuing. Therefore, you may be experiencing subconscious feelings of being dropped or rejected, feelings of panic, and fears of being heartbroken. These negative expectations cause you to react poorly, which in turn will hinder your ability to have a healthy and fruitful relationship.
You may find yourself wondering where your downfall began. Was it the childhood boyfriend or girlfriend that moved away for good? Was it a really bad break up from the “puppy love” you fell in during junior high? You need to process these feelings in your adult life no matter how minor they may seem to your current state of mind.

  • Open your journal and begin writing your feelings, reliving your past moments, and letting yourself experience the situation one more time.
  • Look for patterns in your failed relationships.
  • Think about how you felt when they left you, disappointed you, or broke up with you.

What did you do about those feelings? Did you ever work through them or did you just forget them, push them aside, and move on to the next relationship?
When you don’t deal with the emotions attached to each situation, you allow toxicities to take over your soul. 
After writing it out, ask God for help to heal the broken areas of your heart. Ask God to fix the wound that grief has left upon your soul. It is not going to be easy reliving your past experiences, but it will be highly beneficial to the health of your current or future relationships. Unhealed grief can cause further trauma in your life. Don’t miss out on a beautiful relationship that God wants to bless you with by keeping grief alive in your heart! Ask Him for help and you will recover!