Categories
Home Single

Why You Need to Declutter Your Heart

A closeup portrait of a young, black man in New York City. Shot during the Autumn of 2016.

Recently, scrolling through social media I’ve observed an increase in the amount of “relationship talk” circling the virtual world. As we all may know the Autumn season is considered “cuffing” season, which basically means romantic relationships are on the rise. This seems to be a constant expectation that surfaces every year around this time.  I must admit the weather, activities and the overall scenery in the Autumn season is rather cozy. In the summer, many dream of the cute and fun things they can plan in perfect Autumn weather! I myself being one of those people, HA!
If you’re single it can seem like just a distant dream at times. I completely understand the struggle because I’ve been there. Maybe you’re hoping that this season is your season for courtship and marriage preparation. Honestly, it’s not my place to say if it is or if it isn’t, this is something that is between you and God. However, I am here to give you a sincere suggestion and because you’re reading this, my opinion on readiness.
One way to determine readiness is to measure the health of your heart. If you have a sick heart more than likely you’re not ready for a relationship. If your heart is full of fear, unforgiveness or bitterness more than likely you’re not ready for a relationship. In this scenario, it would be wise to empty your heart of these things if you desire to be married or a happier life in general.
But, did you also know that your heart can be full of clutter and this can determine your readiness?
Google defines clutter as “a collection of things lying about in an untidy mass”! WOW! Therefore, if your heart is full of clutter it is basically an organized mess…OUCH! It’s possible, at this point, that  you’re questioning what has cluttered your heart or if your heart is a unorganized mess. Well, if the clutter isn’t the things listed above such as fear, unforgiveness, bitterness, mistrust, or anything similar…then, what is it?
Hmm…. Have you considered idols? Have you considered that you’ve made relationships and marriage an idol within your heart? An idol is anything that you have made a god in the heart and that you worship as such, knowingly or unknowingly. In Exodus 20:3 God tell us “you must not have any other god but me”.
Here’s the thing I know about God and that I am absolutely certain of, He will not allow you to walk into or access anything that has been made an idol in your heart. God is a jealous God and He wants us to serve Him and Him alone. If He were to give you the very thing that you worship or have made a god in your heart, He knows that you will leave Him for it. This is why God tests the heart so often to see what we are honestly ready to handle. If He tests the heart and sees that there are idols constructed there, He will withhold what He needs to withhold from us until we are ready.
I’m not explaining all of this to scare you, but I am saying all of this for you to begin to look inside you heart and see what needs to be cleaned out. It’s time to declutter the heart!
My encouragement to you in this season of waiting and preparation is to search your own heart and ask the Lord to search it as well. Be intentional about decluttering the heart of idols and make your prayer this season “Father, declutter my heart of false idols and gods”.

Categories
Home Single

3 Lies That Satan Tells Singles

Love you so much. Pleasant sullen cheerless beautiful girl sitting on the window sill and painting on glass while waiting for her love heart

Below is a  list of 3 lies that Satan tells Singles, and ways to combat them:

Lie #1: You need to Date

Have you ever heard the following : How will you be able to handle a relationship if you’ve never been in one? You need to learn how to talk to people of the opposite sex. You’re awkward. As such, dating will help you be prim and proper for when you meet the one. However, this seemingly harmless advice can turn harmful. Soon enough, you will need to practice kissing, intimacy and other things in order to be prepared for your significant other. Incidentally, when you meet the person God has for you, you might be broken and dealing with soul ties.

Therefore, it’s best to trust God’s timing and not force situations to happen. Feeling that you need practice is not indicative of trusting God. God will use experiences, tests and even the mundane parts of your life in order to prepare you for your future spouse (read the book of  Ruth). Trust that God is working all things for your good.

Lie #2: You’re Too Old

Are you having a crisis because your biological clock is ticking? Don’t fear. God’s timing is not our own. Your relatives and friends may be pressuring you to enter a relationship because you’re almost 30. You’re panicking because with each additional year, you feel that your opportunity of meeting someone significantly decreases. However, God can place someone at a bus stop who can completely transform your life. We must have child-like faith and trust that God knows what we need.

If you are older and haven’t met your spouse, you are in good company. Jesus started his ministry at 30 (and was single whilst on earth) and Joseph began serving Pharaoh when he was 30. 

Lie #3: You’re not Good Enough

No one likes you. You’re too weird, fat or (fill in the blank with the lie the enemy has for you). Counter these lies with God’s truths. You have to be aggressive in casting down the taunts of the enemy! God says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. When lies are entrenched in your psyche, it affects your countenance, how you talk and your self – esteem. When God finally blesses you with a good thing, you may be constantly doubting yourself. As a result, the relationship suffers.

Counter these lies by soaking yourself in God’s word. Mediate on His promises. Be proactive in what you allow your ears to hear, eyes to see and lips to utter.

Categories
Home Single

The Wait… My Story

Happy celebrating winning success woman at sunset or sunrise standing elated with arms raised up above her head in celebration of having reached mountain top summit goal during hiking travel trek.

I’ve been celibate going on 7 years.
My decision to wait,  came after 5 abortions, 7 different sexual partners including the father of my child, with whom I was in relationship with for 10 years.
It wasn’t a hard decision, I just stopped.
I can remember during that time in my life, I  thought of sex as a high. It was my drug of choice. And if I couldn’t have actual sex, I would masturbate. I would watch porn. I did what I needed to do to feel that climatic feeling. I was blind to the enemy’s tactics and I was an open field for the enemy to play in.
I can remember during this time in my life, I was dealing with the death of my mother,  I had also ended my 10-year relationship. No way did I want to deal with what. He was the only man I had ever been with but when other men after them started showing me attention and feeding my insecurities, I easily gave it up.  So, instead of dealing with these situations,  I used sex, what I knew always made me feel good as a coping mechanism. Which I find most of us do. Sex is rarely just about having sex. There is almost always an underlying fact on why we engage in premarital sex. Whether it be to fit in, whether be to cling to a relationship or the lack of love we have for ourselves and the lack of  knowledge we have of the love the Father has for us.
But God!
It wasn’t until I stopped using sex that I found out how to make good, sound decisions. The haze had cleared and my judgment was unclouded.  I was soberly deciding to deal with the wounds of my heart and pick up the pieces of my life. Which in some ways, I’m still working on today.
Many people I encounter think waiting is punishment. I actually find it quite rewarding. Choosing to wait, actually keeps me from wasting time in purposeless relationships and most importantly, it’s a way for me to honor Jesus’s sacrifice for me.
When you are in Christ, you are no longer a slave to your feelings and emotions. When you make the decision to abstain from sex, you can really do it.
Is choosing to wait EASY. No! but I can tell you through experience, it’s worth it. I’ve dodged so many bad relationships bullets.
My hope is that through my transparency, that you can find your true value. For God said, your worth is far above rubies (Proverbs 31:10) and whether you choose to believe it or not, you are precious to God. I want women (and men too) to know that YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT.
It’s not to late to realize your worth and demand that others see it too. You can start your own story of “the wait” today, right now. It’s sure to be a story of courage and bravery.
I can’t wait to hear your story. Tag your stories with #TheUnpopularMovement for a chance to featured on Crowned, LLC.

Categories
Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

2 Tips to Help Guard Against Intruders In Your Marriage

Cheerful couple relaxing together at home with cup of coffee.

Over the years, I have been seeing how today’s society doesn’t value the sanctity of marriage. More and more couples are experiencing the devastation of broken marriages and divorces. From a Christian perspective, God values marriage. God’s idea of marriage consists of an unbreakable covenant between a man and woman (Matthew 19:6). It is His desire that marriages be instruments that He can use to show the image of His faithfulness and everlasting love to the world (John 13:35).
At a marriage seminar a few years ago, my husband and I heard a powerful story surrounding the circular shape of your ring and how it is a symbol of protection from “invasions” into your relationship. We learned that it is important to cover your marriage and guard against “invasions” that seek to gain access to destroy your union. Here are 2 “invaders” that we learned to look out for to share for growth in your marriage:

  1. Time Stealers. Time is something that couples should invest in their marriage. It is too easy to let time stealers invade moments designed for quality time with the one you love. Be careful to not let subtle time stealers such as hobbies, emails, TV, Facebook, Instagram, and other social media become distractions that stunt growth. Here are a few tips to reclaim quality time to find intimate moments together:
  • Schedule weekly date nights.
  • Cook dinner together.
  • Send your spouse love notes by email and text during the day.
  • Cuddle while watching a movie.
  • Take a weekend to spontaneously travel and experience new things together.
  1. Emotion Stealers. Communication is a must have in your marriage. After all, intimate talks to share your heart, feelings, goals, and dreams deepen your marriage’s bond and connection. However, improper relationships can seek to “invade” the space that only belongs to your spouse. This can take the form of sharing your heart with someone of the opposite sex or “venting” to friends about your spouse. Remember, honoring your commitment to God and your spouse requires continual connection and communication to strengthen your marriage (Proverbs 4:23).

These 2 tips will help you guard against invasions to solidify growth and build your marriage as God’s platform to reflect Him and your commitment to Him for all to see.
Husbands and wives: Are there any other intruders that you could share that you have encountered in your marriage? Please feel free to share below!

Categories
Engaged Home Marriage

5 Things to Do While Engaged

I love you. Amazed surprised positive African American couple sitting in the cafe and being covered with a blanket while getting engaged

The average wedding in the United States cost $26,720.
Whether single or engaged we all have thought about what our big day will look like.
Love is beautiful, especially when you fall in love with the right mate that God has created for you. But the reality of marriage, is that it takes work to stay married.
My husband and I, married on March 11, 2017. We were excited about our BIG DAY. But we wanted our marriage to be more beautiful than our wedding day. To be honest, our wedding day flew by so fast. I woke up the next morning wanting a redo. Then, I thought for a minute – maybe not. It was a lot of work.
I said all that to say, don’t allow that day to become your main focal point that you miss the reason that God has joined you together. Don’t rush through the engagement season. There are some things that God needs to impart into your life, so that you make it to the altar. God just doesn’t want us to make it the altar and then we fail at staying married. Marriage is not just about surviving, but God wants us to thrive.
Life is going to become hectic with the wedding planning, but I want to encourage you to stay focused on the promises of God. I also, want you to enjoy your engagement season!
Here are 5 Things to Do While Engaged:

  1. Pre-martial Counseling. Don’t miss this step. PLEASE! This is necessary to help you improve your relationship before you get married. Topics will be discussed that you probably hadn’t put too much thought into before.
  2. Connection with other Married Couples. You need this. Spend time with other seasoned couples and allow them to share their truth about marriage. Hopefully, you partner with a couple that will be transparent about the good times and even the bad times that marriage can bring.
  3. Praying Together = Staying Together. Pray like never before. The enemy is going to attack you in this season. He doesn’t want to see you make it to the altar. Pray that God protect you from dangers seen and unseen and that he continue to keep a hedge of protection around your relationship. In Jesus name, Amen!
  4. Don’t Forget to Worship. Public worship is the best. Coming together on one accord to worship God is an awesome feeling. It brings you and your significant other closer together. Their love for God is what probably brought you two together in the first place.
  5. Spend Quality Time Together. Stay connected even though you may be excited about the BIG DAY ahead. Continue to court each other. Make sure you have Date Night in the midst of all the planning.

There was a reason that I shared the cost of the wedding at the beginning of this blog post. I don’t want to see you value you your wedding day, more than you value your marriage. Marriage can and will be beautiful when you put in the work to stay married.
 

Categories
Home Single

Do Not Settle

Psalms 27:14 “Wait patiently for the Lord. Be Brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord”

I know it can be quite difficult to see others entering into relationship when you desire companionship. I know it can be frustrating to wait and wait and wait and still not find any good potential mates. I know it can be overwhelming to look in the mirror every day and face loneliness, disappointment, and discouragement.
However, I want to tell you today that your relationship status doesn’t define you! Do not settle based on what you feel in this season of singleness. Instead, fight for sobriety and be encouraged! GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE!
In this context, the term “settling” means accepting or embracing a counterfeit as the real thing because of your inability to trust and wait on God. Now, I understand that the waiting process is not the most comfortable – and, for most, not the easiest – process to endure.
However, settling causes a ripple effect that will hit literally every area of your life. For example, here are eight consequences of settling:

  1. Wasted time and energy.
  2. Prolonged seasons of waiting.
  3. Higher chances of experiencing multiple broken hearts.
  4. Higher chances of involving yourself in soul-ties.
  5. Opening your life to regret.
  6. Opening your life to disobedience.
  7. Forfeiting your process by moving ahead of God’s timing for your life.
  8. Forfeiting God’s plan for your life.

The consequences above are not meant to scare you but to shine a light on the seriousness of settling in relationships. Settling doesn’t yield good results. I want to encourage you today by letting you know that if you are single and desire to be married, God has crafted a unique individual just for you.
God allows us (and I say “allow” because it truly is a privilege – He knows best) to wait so that we are prepared for His promises, so that we can steward well His promises, and so that we can honor His promises. Never think of waiting as a punishment; consider it a joy!
If you wait on God’s timing, allow Him to affirm your season, and truly submit your heart to His will. There is always a reward. Therefore, be encouraged, as it is better to wait than to settle.

Categories
Home Single

Why You Should Travel While Single

Traveler woman walking and waits train on the railway platform. Vacation and travel concept.

Grab a cup of tea and get comfortable – because this is lengthy ! During my last year of university (or college as my American friends would say), I was stressed. It was crunch time, the fourth quarter. I experienced breakdowns, a broken MacBook, essays, exams in addition to being the Maid of Honour for my friend’s wedding. I was mourning the loss of my  friend who was getting married and in the midst of chaos I was lonely. One day, at a bus stop near home, I struck conversation with a lovely tall woman. We were both en – route to school. She had a final exam, I believe I had one too. Lucia was her name and she was from Rio, Brazil on exchange in Canada. I started sharing my love of Latin American culture, and asking about Samba, the movie Rio and other items. Lucia eventually got off the stop, but I never asked for her contact info ! I don’t know why I was hesitant. I didn’t think about it too much but I proceeded to carry on with life.

 

A couple of weeks passed and I was arranging some matters for my friend’s wedding. After running these errands, I began my journey home. After I got off the subway platform, in the distance, I saw Lucia ! I immediately approached her and made sure to get her contact info. After adding each other on Facebook and realizing that we’re both Christians,we made plans to hang out. A love fest ensued. We laughed hours upon end and we learned that we shared many things in common. I showed her Toronto fixtures and took her to my school’s graduating gala. It was a friendship ordained by God. The sad part of the story is that I met Lucia a couple of weeks before her exchange program ended in Canada. The time came for Lucia to go back to Brazil. To this day, I don’t know why I met Lucia so late in the school year. This is coupled with the fact that Lucia lived minutes away from my home for the duration of her four month exchange program. Now Lucia is in France pursuing her Masters in Linguistics at Paris – Sorbonne University (the late Jackie Kennedy did an exchange program there). Lucia is a beautiful single and I reached out to her to share tips for those bitten by the “travel bug”.

 

Habiba Abudu (HA) :  How did you come to the Lord ?

Lucia Claro (LC) : I grew up Catholic and God always had a role in my life even though I could not understand Him. I was always the religious person in my family. My grandmother was the the one who encouraged me to go to church and receive the first Holy Communion and Confirmation. My siblings, just like my parents, did not care much about going to church. My sister used to say that she was an atheist. However, my sister changed drastically when I was fifteen. Out of nowhere, my sister started going to a Protestant church with her boyfriend. My sister literally – ok, not literally, but you know what I mean – was born again. My sister started preaching to me which, I need to confess, was very awkward, since I was the religious one in the family. In a few weeks, my sister knew more about the Bible than I had in my entire life. My sister invited me to her church. I went to church since I wanted to know what had made my sister change so much. It did not take long to realize that it was the Almighty God who was working on her. This new church encouraged me to read the Bible, which the Catholic churches I attended did not do.  I could not stop reading the Bible. Jesus became my best buddy, just like the main characters in my favorite books usually do. I realized that my friendship with Jesus would never end. My relationship with Jesus was the most realest and purest thing I could ever have.

HA : You never had a boyfriend, did you ever struggle with that ? What has helped in moments of weakness ?

LC : I have to admit that I  struggled a lot with it. Nevertheless, I understand it is a season I consciously decided to go through. I don’t regret it, It was a choice I made when I was very young. Although I am mad at myself at times, I understand that I need it. God has taught me that it is better to wait then to rush and give my heart to someone who does not deserve me. That makes me strong when I feel bad about not having someone by my side, I know that I actually do. I’m not talking about friends who help a lot during tough times, but  God, the one who promises to never leave me.

HA : You are in France pursuing your Masters !  Can you discuss how that came to be ?

LC : I cannot believe it is true, but, yes, I am in France. I’m going to tell you a love story. I started studying French one semester before starting college. In my first French class I completely fell in love with the language. At university, I studied English and English Literature and I loved English as well. However, there was something about French I couldn’t explain. Having this in mind, I dreamed about going to Canada since I figured I could improve both my English and French (English and French are the national languages of Canada).  I went on an exchange program in Toronto, Ontario, Canada and I got the opportunity to take some advanced courses in French. Studying French in Canada opened many doors for me. When I came back to Brazil, I was trying to get a job as a English teacher at a language school but ended up being hired as a  French teacher. At the time, the language school needed French teachers, so my knowledge of French came in handy ! I was also going through a period in my life in which I was asking God for direction so that I could know where He wanted me to go next. I asked Him specifically where in the world He would like me to pursue  my Masters. I started getting many signs that I should go to France. Examples of signs included the job as a French teacher or the time a French teacher of mine told me and my classmates that France was a nice and cheap place to take our masters. All  of that happened when I started to seek direction from God. God was answering me and it made me very happy and motivated. I started applying through Campus France to as many Masters programs as I could in France. I ended up being accepted at Sorbonne. I did not believe attending Sorbonne was possible because they required a high level of French. One thing I know for sure, God knows what He is doing. I will honor this opportunity He has given me.

HA :  What has God shown you through travelling ?

LC : He showed me people. Really nice people I would have never met if I had not left my country. Through people, He showed me new ways of thinking, understanding, sharing, cooking and studying. In short, He showed me that there are many different ways to do the same basic thing. This amazed me.

HA : What advice would you give to those aspiring to travel ?

LC: Open yourself to new experiences. Judge as little as you can. Be humble to learn everything again. Once you know both sides of a coin, you learn to admire both of them and you are able to identify which side suits you better in each situation. Be open to learn, to sound stupid and to face challenges. Be  careful, because you may get addicted to traveling !

 

Categories
Engaged Marriage

2 Conversations You Should Have With Family & Friends Before You Get Married

Japanese and black friends drinking coffee in kitchen

Genesis 2:24, which states that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” was often a topic of discussion in my premarital course. Our mentor couple did a wonderful job of explaining to us that in this context leaving your father and mother, also represents leaving your friends or other love ones that might tempt you to put their needs before your spouse’s. After him, God intended for your spouse to be your number one priority. Having these two conversations with your family and friends will help you with honoring your spouse’s rank:
1. Parents
You will want to be honest with your parents about what role you want them to play in your new family unit. The discussions with parents should center around your expectations of them in supporting your new marriage journey and their expectations of your role in their family. Ask your parents to be supportive of your marriage, pray for you and your spouse, and for them to be available when counsel or advice is needed. It may also be necessary to remind your parents that God calls us to cleave to our spouse. It is important that your actions start to reflect the behavior of leaving and cleaving. When your parents see you tending to your partner before you tend to them, they will witness your commitment to your spouse. As a final touch to this conversation, your parents will appreciate you asking what expectations they have of you and your spouse in joining their larger family unit. This question might invite conversations about family holidays and frequency of visits. 
 2. Friends
Relationships with friends naturally alter once you get married. Similarly with your parents, obligations with your spouse may prevent you from devoting as much time to your friends. One part of this conversation should explain that your spouse and starting your own family unit is now your main priority. Be sure to communicate that this new commitment will require more of your time and focus. Make it clear that their friendship is still important to you and you will continue to work to maintain it. The second part of this conversation should include you inviting your friend to become an accountability buddy. Ask your friend to check in on you to make sure you are being a Christian spouse and to assist you with refraining from behaviors that could compromise your character. This will give your friend a new opportunity to be involved in your life and you will benefit from having someone to hold you accountable for your actions.
 
Author note:
Brooke Fitzpatrick is devoted to empowering young couples about the beauty of marriage. She is happily married to her husband, Jared and the experiences of her marriage adventure have provided her with a wealth of knowledge to share with others as they embark on their marriage journey. You can vconnect with her via theauthenticbride@gmail.com. 

Categories
Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways to Support Your Spouse During Life Challenges

Portrait Of Loving African American Couple In Countryside

In marriage, no couple is exempt from life challenges. Unexpected life situations happen that have the potential to create disconnections and disagreements that upset the balance of your relationship. Challenges come in the form of job changes, work-life demands, emotional struggles, and monetary setbacks. At these life turns, your spouse will need your encouragement and support.
Being grounded in God helps couples during the challenges of life. Ecclesiastes 4 speaks of two being better than one and a cord of three strands cannot be easily broken (vv. 9,12). When couples have God in the center of their marriage and friendship, His presence is the source of their strength through any challenges they face together.
Here are three practical ways to encourage and support your spouse that will continue strengthening your relationship when facing challenges:

  1. Spend time in prayer. When you and your spouse pray together, powerful things happen and your marriage is strengthened to withstand life challenges. 1 John 5:14-15 says how bold and free we become in His presence, freely asking according to His will because we know He is listening. And since we are confident God is listening, we already know that what we asked for is done.
  2. Major on love. Do you know the unique needs of your husband or wife? What is their love language that you can major on to provide support to them? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is the template for love and support. Not only does this passage of Scripture show us a visual of how to love others, it draws us closer to God as we mirror His example in our marriages.
  3. Elevate Your Partnership. The greatest gift is affirming, encouraging, and understanding what your spouse may be dealing with. Facing challenges as a unified team are opportunities to:
  • Be a good listener to communicate love and respect (James 1:19)
  • Have conversations that speak of value and commitment as you work and grow together (Colossians 4:6).
  • Grow your faith in God to navigate through the challenges of life (James 1:2-4).

Let’s start a conversation! How have you encouraged and supported your spouse? Please share in the comments below.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Married with Expectations

Unhappy couple at therapy session in therapists office

Many of us have expectations of what desire to see in a mate. Often our expectations are based on past experiences whether good or bad. Case in point, when I got engaged to my now husband, I had a long list of expectations for him. It was during premarital counseling that our pastor helped me too see that I hadn’t healed from past experiences.
After going through counseling, I realized that my expectations of my husband were ridiculous. I had to go back and remember the promise that God had spoken over my life. God told me before we started dating that he was my husband.
During our last premarital session, my pastor asked me what my expectations of my future husband were. I responded, “To love me like Christ loves the church.” Ephesians 5:25 At that moment all my walls came tumbling down, knowing that God wouldn’t bless me with a man that would intentionally harm me.  I also knew, that God wouldn’t give me a man that resembled anything like the men I had chosen before.
If I had kept my long list of expectations that I had before we got married, our marriage would be struggling to thrive. There are days that I still have to check myself so that I’m not expecting my husband to be like anyone else but the man that God has called him to be.
If you have a long list of expectations of your fiancé or husband, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  1. How did God manifest your courtship?
  2. How has God worked in your relationship prior to marriage?
  3. What obstacles or challenges have you overcome together?
  4. Why did you make the conscious decision to marry your spouse?

It’s okay to have standards for your mate but it’s not okay to have expectations of your mate. Your expectations can hinder your marriage from being purpose filled. If my husband had not met my standards, I wouldn’t have even dated him. He met my standards and actually exceeded them.
Expectations can become a burden in your marriage because you are expecting your spouse to act or respond in a certain way. It’s not fair to the person to set expectations on them. If they don’t meet your expectations you began view them in a negative light.
Your spouse isn’t a mind reader, so don’t expect them to know what you are thinking or even desire from them. Always remember that you are two imperfect people and you are not the same. There are going to be some imperfections displayed in the both of you. Don’t let that overpower that greatness that God has brought together. At the end of the day know that we serve a perfect God.
Throw the ungodly  expectations out the door and allow your marriage to thrive beyond what you could ever imagine.
I want to know your thoughts on this subject….Leave a comment below.