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Keeping Your Vow of Purity

Group of attractive young friends having fun in a cafe bar

I know it’s hard in today’s sex crazed world to maintain your vow of purity and celibacy, but I tell you, it can be done. I’m holding at 6 and half years strong and here’s how I’ve done it.
Know your triggers
If you know kissing causes you to get weak in the knees and you fall into that person’s bed, then you may want to steer away from that. Save kissing for the wedding. If you know that you can’t be alone in a room with a specific someone and control yourself, then you shouldn’t spend time by yourself with that person. Call over some friends and hang out as a group. Guard your eye gates. If you know you can’t watch certain movies with sexual scenes without starting to feel lustful or listen to certain songs, then turn off the movie and watch some comedy, turn the song to something without sexually explicit lyrics, do something that won’t have you feeling all “50 Shades of Grey”.
There’s no sense in tempting yourself.
Set up boundaries when you’re dating
Boundaries are another form of accountability. The word says “don’t give the enemy a foothold”, meaning don’t give the enemy any room to come in and tempt you. He will take full advantage of every opportunity. It’s good to have boundaries when you’re dating because it allows you  protect yourself. Boundaries help you to define where you and your partner should start and stop. To put it another way, boundaries are LIMITS. Boundaries also help eliminate the blame game. If you and your partner know the boundaries and respect the boundaries, then you won’t have to play the blame game when something goes wrong.
Some boundaries you can set up in your dating relationship are:
-Never spending time at each other houses
-No dates that aren’t in public places
-Setting up time limits on the phone (example: no talking after 9:30 pm),
-No casual conversation that can lead to talking about things you shouldn’t.
I encourage you to set up personal boundaries and boundaries for dating relationships.
Prayer
This is going to be the best way to fight against any temptation that may lead you down the road of bad choices. When you think you want to watch porn, pray and then pray some more. When you have impure thoughts, pray and then pray some more. If you find yourself in a compromising situation, don’t feel like you can’t stop. Don’t ignore the Holy Spirit. Get up, STOP! Then pray and pray some more, pray for forgiveness and then know that you are forgiven. Don’t allow the guilt of a decision weigh you down, that will only lead you to make more bad decisions. Pray and know that God will provide a way out of every temptation. He says so in His word.
If you really consider the first two ways I provided then you likely won’t find yourself in compromising situations, however we are human, just know you don’t have to keep going down the wrong path. You can turn back around.
 
Prayer:
Forgive me for the times I have not honored You with my body.Help me to flee from all forms of sexual immorality by fleeing to you. Help me to keep my outward actions and inner thoughts pure before Your eyes- whether I am in public view or in a secret place. Purify my heart and develop in me pure thoughts, words, actions and motives that honor your Holy name.I want to live for You even in a world that doesn’t. I pray that my resistance to temptation increases and my need to follow the patterns of this world decreases. Lord God, I commit myself to you and I take this commitment seriously.
Join The Unpopular Movement by choosing Purity over Popularity. You can get your Purity Card by emailing crownedyou@gmail.com.
 

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Communication Home Marriage

3 Ways to Avoid the Comparison Trap In Marriage

Young Afro-American family fighting in kitchen because of an affair. Man in glasses holding mobile phone, pointing finger at screen, trying to explain himself for love messages from unknown woman

In today’s society, comparison is a natural occurrence that has many people comparing their lifestyles, careers, marriages, and even social network sites. In reality, comparison is unhealthy for the health of our lives and relationships. Because it is based on partial truths, it creates the trap of illusion and robs marriages of their joy (John 10:10).
Imagine this – you get into a fight with your spouse that is filled with emotion. How easy is it to accept the lie of the enemy that everyone’s marriage is perfect but yours? The comparison trap will cause you to believe that you are not measuring up because it magnifies the false reality of success. This trap can also surface as thoughts of “they have a nicer house or car than us”, “why can’t my spouse have a job like hers?” or “they travel and have much more fun than us.”   The list goes on – but the fact remains that the comparison trap kills growth, creating insecurity and destruction in marriages.
Here are 3 ways to avoid the comparison trap in marriage:

  1. Embrace Truth. Face it – no marriage is perfect! Comparing your success or spouse to others, masquerades as false reality, which is not what God intended for marriage. After all, marriage is to display His glory as a sacred union of two people that love and cherish one another, without comparison. To avoid the comparison trap, it is important to embrace the truth that our identity is found in Christ (Galatians 2). In Him, we find peace, worth, value, and security for a healthy marriage.
  1. Love Your Lane. In reality, if you swerve on a highway into other lanes, you can cause an accident. The same is true in marriage – it is totally ok that your marriage is not like others that you encounter. Staying in your marriage lane stops the comparison trap from stealing meaningful love moments in your own union. Enjoying the good things in your marriage with laughter, expressing gratitude, and celebrating your spouse’s uniqueness and strengths will change your perspective for contentment and better moments to come (Philippians 4:8-9).
  1. Speak Life. Being selective with your words kills the comparison trap. Since there is creative power in our words, we either speak words that produce life and blessings or “cracked” foundations in our marriages (Proverbs 18:21; Hebrews 11:3). Remember, every time you compare your marriage to others or entertain negative thinking, you release words that allow the enemy to alter God’s framework of love for your marriage.

Do any of these hit close to home in your marriage? What other areas can you work on to kill the comparison trap and find contentment for a healthier marriage?
 

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Communication Home Marriage

Naked in My Marriage

Affectionate african american couple talking on couch

I use to be ashamed of my past experiences – afraid of judgment. It wasn’t until a few years ago that God revealed to me that it was okay to share my story and not be afraid of people’s opinions. I can honestly say, that I felt freedom in Christ to know that I didn’t have to hide who I was. My past gave me a story to glorify my heavenly Father and to break chains of bondage.
While single I would share my testimony with others about how I had overcome many obstacles in my past. But when I started dating my now husband, I wondered would this man be able to accept my past, my right now and my future.
I already had 3 children by different fathers. I was hoping that we would be able to avoid this conversation. I just knew that once he found out that I was woman that had 3 children by different fathers that he would leave. He didn’t have any children, so I kept thinking, “Why would he want me?”
One day he brought it up while we were on the phone, “Tell me about the children’s fathers.” I choked up and instantly became afraid to share. I was wondering, “How did he figure it out?” I guess it wasn’t difficult because my children always introduced themselves with their first and last name.
I managed to get through the conversation by talking about each parent. Even though our co-parenting relationships weren’t the best, I spoke the truth without bashing the other parent. After I pushed through sharing, I just broke down.
He heard the quiver in my voice and said he was on the way to my house.  I immediately braced  myself for the break up. He arrived, greeted me, and then went straight to the kitchen and started to clean out the refrigerator. I was completely confused. He then sat me down on the couch and said, “I’m not going anywhere. I just wanted to know where I needed to step up in the children’s lives. I love you and I love those kids.”
Mind blown at this statement, I realized that I had met the man of my prayers. I would’ve never said “I do” if I couldn’t be completely naked with my husband. I had to be with someone that I could be open and honest with about my past. I refused to live in shame. As long as I watered down my past experiences, I would continue to live in bondage.
Marry the person that you can by completely naked with in your marriage. That person will never use what you share against you, but will love you even more. They will see you the way that Christ sees you – courageous, bold, strong, an over-comer, and a game changer.  I love that I am able to be naked in my marriage. If I am naked, I am authentic; if I am authentic; I am able to fulfill my destiny,and be unashamed of my story.

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Home Single

4 Dangers of Waiting On a Man

I can remember at one point in my life where I was waiting on man. I was waiting on him to grow up, to choose me. I can even remember telling myself, once he gets it all out of his system then he’ll be ready to settle down. I even prayed to God about him.Why do we do that ladies? Why do we sit around and wait on a man? We wait on a man. Then we wait for him to propose. Then we wait for the wedding.
I engage with women quite often and it saddens me to hear that they are just waiting on a man to come or waiting on a man they’ve already committed themselves to. Well I’m here to tell you ladies, that your life is about more than waiting on a man.
Here are some dangers of waiting on a man:
1. Missing the Will of God. You know, purpose, destiny. You don’t want to miss that, not for a man especially. It’s important for you to have your own dreams and vision. Use all that energy you’re exerting waiting on a man, begging for a man and thinking all day about a man on something more productive like that dream you’re always dreaming.
Don’t let all your “waiting” have you miss out on what God has for you in this current season. Maybe He needs you single to build you up and draw you close to Him. He could also have a new job for you, or He could have a ministry He’s birthing on the inside of you. He could be providing funds to go on that once in a lifetime trip, but you’ll never know any of this if your focus is on being with a man.
2. Complete Waste of Time. If you know anything about time, you know you can’t get it back. So why waste it? Time is a precious commodity and you want to be sure to take advantage of the time you have. The bible says in James 4, “What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”  We have women out here waiting 10 years for a man. Contrary to popular belief, men know exactly what they want and if by some slim chance they don’t, trust me when I say this, they know what they don’t want. Ladies stop allowing yourself to be bamboozled, tricked, and hoodwinked. While you’re waiting, they’re living.
3. Leads to Desperation. I remember the days I use to be so desperate for a man’s attention, it would drive me to do the most unladylike like things. I was discounting myself and lowering  my standards and that’s dangerous. Truth be told, no man wants a desperate woman. Understand this, your desperation actually pushes men away versus drawing them near.  Desperation will have you doing anything just to get a man.
Chasing a man is not winning. The only thing you win is the loss of your dignity. Confidence is knowing your value instead of expecting a man’s love to provide you with value. Sis be anxious for nothing, be desperate for only God. Allow Him to satisfy your desires. God actually desires for us to be utterly dependent upon Him.
4. Loss Of Identity. While finding your identity is an evolution, we shouldn’t push that aside for the sake of  a relationship. This is exactly how some of us end up as longtime girlfriends or live in lovers, because we were never rooted in who we were created to be to begin with so we just partnered ourselves with some random dude. A random dude is not the man God prepared for you. When you’re rooted in your identity, you wouldn’t dare wait on a man that can’t see you for who God created you to be. Knowing your identity helps you make better life choices.
Don’t get me wrong ladies, waiting is something we will have to do from time to time but, you should never wait on a man if it cost you yourself. That’s too high of a price to pay.
 
 

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Home Single

Christian but Not a Virgin: Am I Damaged Goods?

Portrait of young african american looking through a window.

The Church taught me at an early age “SEX IS A SIN”!!!! Quite frankly I grew up thinking SEX was the “sinniest sin” of all sins! There was no turning back, purity was the only way! Once you lost it, you couldn’t get it back. Sure, you could claim to be a “born again virgin” but at the end of the day… you were no longer a “Virgin”. I can only speak for myself when I say I felt like “damaged goods” after giving myself to someone who CLEARLY wasn’t worthy.
Let’s fast forward to when I rededicated my life to Christ, finally waking up and smelling the roses. Kicking it with a group of friends, one who I looked up to said “Are there no Christian Girls in Chicago who are a Virgin, I don’t want a girlfriend someone else had”. Although that statement was not directed toward me, I was apart of the population of girls who fit into that “category”. I, for some reason, internalized his statement and thought, “no real Christian guy will ever want me”. While my friend meant no harm, his statement reinforced the idea that “non-virgins” were damaged goods. It played on my self esteem for quite sometime, until one day I was reminded of who I am in CHRIST.
With all of that being said I’m here to remind you…. YOU ARE NOT…DAMAGED GOODS! While sex is a sin that comes with many lurking consequences (like every other sin), it doesn’t define who you are, who you’ll be, nor where you’re headed in life! Many of us can quote 2 Corinthians 5:17 verbatim, [(NLT) this means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!]. But how many of us allow those words to penetrate our hearts? I know I didn’t.
Beyond the fact that we are NEW CREATURES, God has already forgiven you and forgotten about your imperfect past. Don’t believe me? Check this out “Isaiah 43:25 “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”The bible lets us know we have not only been forgiven of our sins, but they have been forgotten and we are brand NEW! Typically, nothing new is considered damaged goods (just saying).
Here’s a word of encouragement, stop letting your thoughts (and others for that matter) rob you of your new identity in Christ! If God has forgotten about it, why in the world would you allow anyone else to hang it over your head! YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! God has so much in store for you! You, my love, will reap the benefits of making a decision to live your life for Christ! Your past wont invade your future…wait…what past? God forgot all about that. I write these things to you because it’s what I wish someone would have shared with me in my season of feeling like “damaged goods”.
Here’s to an amazing future spent accomplishing all that God has for you, to acquiring the desires of your heart (including marriage and children), and taking nothing from the past but the lesson(s) that were gained. From one princess to another, you are ROYALTY, NOT DAMAGED GOODS (1 Peter 2:9)!
With Love,
Shannon Colar

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Home Single

How Long Will I Be Single?

Black woman crying outdoors

Would you be surprised if I told you that every single person that desires a mate, ponders this question? I pondered this question often. I grew frustrated, anxious, and sometimes concerned. I just wondered if God had a mate in the plans for my life. Can I let I let you in on a secret? I have discovered that one of the greatest gifts that God develops within us while we are single is the gift of patience.
I was a very impatient person. I wanted everything right then. I hated waiting on things, people and even results. I needed everything quick, fast and in a hurry.
So when God requested that I stop dating my way and trust His way, I often grew impatient with the process. What I found so amazing about my single season is that God didn’t share with me how long I would be single.
But if God would have told me, there would be no reason for me to trust in His word. I had to trust in God and know that the plans that He had for me would not harm me but give me a hope and a future. I had to allow God to teach me and even lead me through my season of singleness.
I would often become anxious about being single because I would look at others around me who were getting engaged or married. There were times that I was envious of others relationships. I wanted to go ahead of God and make things happen on my own. But God would stop me in my tracks and remind to wait on Him because it would be so worth it.
I hear singles all time saying “How long will I be single?” Although it’s a valid question. It’s also is a question that reflects that we are growing impatient in the process of waiting on God. I think often we view our season of being single as an affliction, when in actuality it’s a blessing to be single. It’s a gift from God.
Now that I’m married, I realize that God was preparing me for what was to come. I had to learn how to be patient, so that I could be patient with my husband. Patience is not always developed for relationships but the many trials that may come our way in the future.
By embracing the gift of patience God blessed with an amazing husband. I’ve even learned how to be patient in those dry seasons of my life.
I encourage my single sisters and brothers to patiently wait on the Lord. Yes, I know it can be a tough season. But I want to let you know that it’s so worth it to patiently wait on God to bless you with your mate.

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Home Single

Single Women Should Pursue

A woman with clasped hands looking up.

I use to be the woman that would pursue men for a relationship. I would call them and make it known that I wanted to date them. Of course, they said YES. Not long after I would see that I was the one doing all the pursuing, footing the bill, and still lonely. Just to show the world I had a man. I settled for less because I couldn’t see how blessed I really was.
I was in a vulnerable place because I didn’t truly know my identity. I was longing from something from these men that they couldn’t give me. In the process I was left wide open and allowed men to be plugged into me that shouldn’t have been.
I allowed these men to be plugged into me emotionally, spiritually and sexually.  They were draining my power. Because I wasn’t grounded in the word of God at the time , I was dying. They were taking all my energy.
I shared that to say, single women should pursue God only. Never purse a man. As you can see in my case of pursuing a man it caused me to die in the process.
We as godly women are in covenant relationship with God. He covers us as we pursue Him daily. The purpose we have on the inside of us has to be covered by God so that no one can tamper with it.
If that man is for you, God will reveal it to the both of you. That man will also have to pursue God to find you. While you are both pursing God, there you will be positioned to be found.
As I was in my single season, I learned how to pursue God. One day, I saw this young man at church that I admired from afar. I wanted to pursue him so bad because that was what I did. I remember God telling me I could no longer pursue men. It would all happen in his timing. So of course, I waited on God.
That young man actually pursued me and continued to pursue me while were courting. That man is now my husband.
God revealed this to me: if we would have pursued each other and left God out of the process, all the glory would belong to us and not God. As we both pursued God, He was able to get all the glory for bringing us together as one.
Single women should pursue God. Everything else will work out in your favor.
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

He Proposed After 3 and Half Years of Dating… Why I stayed!

marry me, proposal in Paris near Eiffel Tower

We live in a generation where courtship turns into marriage within 6 months or less. Because of that, I was often asked, “ What’s taking him so long?” Besides that being a question from him, it made me uncomfortable that people were bothered by our relationship status more than we were. Newly engaged, I don’t regret a minute spend being his girlfriend, and here’s why:
1. Divorce is REAL!
I’ve witnessed young people rush into marriage…better yet a world of problems. See, my fiancé and I both believe “Divorce is not an option”. With that being said, we wanted to ensure when we say “I Do” there would be no need for the “D” word. We truly spent 3 years getting to know one another on a deep level, learning flaws, triggers, and fine-tuning our communication skills. Because of that, we know each other like the back of our hands.
2. I Knew What I Wanted!
After only 6 months of dating, I knew he would be my husband. We’d been friends for 4+ years, he knew every part of me, and I him. Sure, I didn’t think it would take 3.5 years, but I was willing to wait. He was EVERYTHING I asked God to send me. I lacked nothing in him, and I knew we shared the desire to get married!
3. I Prayed!
Spring of 2016, I spent a lot of time with God regarding our relationship and its status! God asked me, what do you want? I rattled off what everyone else thought I should have, and he asked me again “What do you want”. After conversing with God and laying my troubles at His feet, I felt a renewing in our relationship! I knew my doubt didn’t come from the relationship itself, but the people who shared unsolicited opinions.
4. I Can DO What I Want
People have always had and always will have an opinion. If it’s not about engagement, it’s about how you should do the wedding, when you’ll have babies….it’s a never ending cycle. The truth of the matter is I CAN DO WHAT I WANT…WHAT WE WANT. There’s no rule book stating marriage must commence within a certain time frame. When I realized that, I felt a freedom to do what I wanted!
5. Finally, God’s Timing Is Perfect
God knew what He was doing in making me wait. Had I got married sooner, I’d be on divorce court (lol). Yes! I can admit it! My heart was consumed with being a bride, not a wife. During my time of prayer, God revealed the areas I needed to work on. I guess my engagement is God’s seal of approval of my intentional hard work!
I chose to wait because I wanted to! I waited because there’s nothing wrong with it! I waited because I needed to grow! I waited because the day I would get engaged was marked on God’s calendar (Psalm 139:16, NLT). Ladies and gents, stop adhering to timelines that don’t exist, trying to beat a clock created by social media, operating according to someone else’s love story or being moved by what others have to say! Let God be the author and the finisher of your love story!
XOXO,
A Very Happy “Future Ms. Terry”

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Dating/Courting Home Single

What Does Love Really Have to Do with It?

I bet your wondering what in the world can this blog post be about? What does she mean by “what does love have to do with it?”
 
Well, in a society and generation that has completely contaminated the meaning of LOVE, I thought it would be best to do some clarifying.Most people don’t have a clue what love is. They want to rush into relationships based on commonality, attraction, or a “feeling.” But, those three things literally have nothing to do with love.
We began to lose the war of the true meaning of love when people started making it into a fantasy and removing the reality.When people wanted to take the easy way out rather than learning to endure, because where there is love there is endurance.When people wanted to allow their desires to run wild instead of committing and remaining faithful, with love there is commitment.
 
You see, this awful cycle and contamination started YEARS ago, but as an agent of Christ my objective is to correct what’s been tainted.
Let’s compare Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary definition of love with the Bible’s definition of love.
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines love as “a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire; or affection and tenderness felt by lovers.”
Well, let me ask you this… What happens when those affections die down? What happens when sex isn’t enough anymore? What happens when you don’t feel loved or want to love anymore?
Here’s the problem, love can’t be narrowed down to such a simplistic feeling or desire in the moment. Let’s be honest, desires and feelings change like the wind for some people, and the truth is, love remains. This is why it can’t be considered a feeling or a desire.
The Bible defines love as a decision that is made through every situation, circumstance, obstacle, uncertainty, commitment, and overall life event.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 it says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.”
If you’re going to love someone in a relationship context, understand that love is not just a word to throw back and forth, but there are real decisions that have to be made each day in order to truly love someone.
So, what does love really have to do with it? It has EVERYTHING to do with it! After reading this post, I suggest you take some time to ask yourself, “have I contaminated the REAL meaning of LOVE?” It’s not too late to make some changes. Now that you have this information, what are you going to do with it?

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Communication Home Single

5 Signs That He Is Into You

married couple talking while having a breakfast time outdoors

We all know the age old saying “Men Are From Mars and Women are From Venus” which basically symbolizes how different the sexes are, and it couldn’t be more true. It’s far easier for me to communicate and understand the emotional cues of my female friends than of my male friends. Which could be due to obvious reasons; given that I am a female myself, but these differences really attribute to why relationships take work. Men and women assess, communicate and deal with things differently. I can’t recall how often I’ve had conversations with my girlfriends about whether or not a guy is into them. And after having several of these “deep, philosophical, analytical talks,” and coming down to the root of the problem, along with personal experiences  of my own; I’ve come to realize, that men are not that complex, and that is no offense to men, but a relief for women. Here are some ways to tell if a guy is into you.
1.  He Initiates Conversation– We live in a day where communication is readily at our fingertips; literally. Regardless of how busy we are, we check our phones multiple times a day. If a guy is into you he won’t leave you hanging for hours after you’ve texted him, or go several days without texting/calling you. We are never too busy to make time for the things we care about.
 
2.  He Tells People About You- If a guy is into you he will mention you to his family and friends. We like to talk about the good things that are happening in our lives, and if you mean something to him, and he sees a potential future, he will let the people in his life know.
 
3.  He Treats You Like You Matter- If he makes you a priority by taking you out  or doing the thoughtful things that make you feel like you’re special to him, then he is into you.
 
 4. He Compliments You- I don’t mean just complimenting your physical traits, but complimenting your mind and other qualities you possess, and showing genuine interest in your passions, talents and hobbies.
 
 5. He Tells You He’s Into You- A mature man isn’t afraid to tell you how he feels about you. And even if he doesn’t, if it has been some time of getting to know each other then it should be pretty obvious, and you should feel confident about how he feels towards you. Basically put, if a man is into you… you will know.