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3 Reasons Why Good Men Overlook You

Portrait of a serious african or black american woman with arms folded standing over gray background and looking away, close-up

I honestly pray that women who read this and desire marriage will experience such a covenant ordained by God himself. However, are you frustrated because it seems as though good guys continue to overlook you? If you’re tired of this happening and desire to be found, here are a few possible reasons why Mr. Right hasn’t found you yet…
By the way, these reasons may sound harsh, but I want to give you the honest truth.

  1. You’re Not Approachable! Smile Lately?

Ladies, this is the unfortunate truth. If you have an attitude, if you’re always looking super serious, stuck-up, angry, bitter, annoyed, or the like… what man will want to approach you? More than likely, your facial expressions scare off men before they even decide to approach you. Some may say, “I look this way to keep the counterfeits away.” Well, you’re keeping the good guys away as well. As long as you are led by wisdom and the holy spirit, counterfeits won’t stand a chance anyway.
I encourage you to smile more. You shouldn’t look desperate but you should definitely look inviting and welcoming. Men are usually intimidated by the women they approach, so please stop making his job even more difficult by your mean-mug. Yes, he should pursue you but he can’t do that if your facial expressions say, “Stop, stay away!”

  1. You’re Not Presenting Yourself as a Lady. Appearance Matters!

Here’s another point I want to make very clear. Men like women and they were created to like women. If you present yourself as tough and manly, more than likely this will be an extreme turn-off for a guy. Also, because you are a lady, you should look, smell, and dress as such. No man wants a woman who’s sloppy, whose personal hygiene isn’t up to par, and who doesn’t dress up a bit.
A man will first see your outer appearance, so it’s important to put some work into your physical appearance. Take some time to make sure your hair and outfit are nicely done and put together. Get a manicure and pedicure bi-weekly. Also, I must emphasize again that personal hygiene is extremely important; how you smell matters!
Perfume products such as body wash, lotion, or sprays are not your enemy, they are your friends. (Unless you have an allergy of some sort, of course; then you may want to think of alternate options.)

  1. You’ve Created Your Spouse in Your Mind. There’s No Room for Mr. Right!

Lastly, I want you to know that sometimes what you’ve imagined and cultivated in your mind regarding what you feel your future spouse will or should look like doesn’t always materialize. Most people don’t marry the person they created in their heads. Honestly, the basis of it is all fantasy. Could it be that a nice gentleman who doesn’t meet your expectations physically but who meets your needs spiritually, morally, and personality-wise is trying to get your attention but you’re overlooking him? OUCH!
Ladies, this happens all the time! Now, I am not encouraging you to be open to someone you are completely un-attracted to, but I am saying to be a little more open by tearing down the false image of a spouse you’ve created in your mind. It’s just not healthy, and you’re probably missing out on a blessing from God.
Just a little bit of wisdom… hope this was helpful!

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Home Single

If Being Single Is Your Only Problem, You're Blessed!

Young stylish charismatic African woman trying her new contemporary fashionable round-shaped sunglasses, looking at the sun, having positive face expression, isolated against red wall background

As a single, I often felt the looming pressure of being in a relationship. Close friends/relatives speculated about my sexuality and I was criticized for being tense, awkward and uninviting to those of the opposite sex. In university, I saw people meet their significant other and I also struggled with depression and created a fantasy life in my mind. I was hoping that Prince Charming would come and take all my worries away. Day after day, as I pined after my dream man, I became increasingly frustrated at God for forgetting about me. I thought I made a great “catch” so why hadn’t my dream man appear yet?

Take the time to Fully Heal and Develop the Fruit of the Spirit

Simply put, I was not ready to be in a relationship. I was insecure, I didn’t know who I was. The restoration process took many years. Years of lies and rejection had to replaced with God’s truth. I had to forgive those who planted deep ingrained wounds in my soul. If I entered a relationship prematurely, I would have projected my fears on that poor soul. I had to learn to be vulnerable and serve people who could spitefully use me. During this period I developed patience, gentleness, love and other fruits of the spirit. I set standards for myself and learned not to give myself to someone simply because they gave me attention. I am truly grateful for my season of restoration.

Trust God’s Timing

God’s ways are not our ways. God created the whole universe with a phrase. We immensely pale in comparison to the wisdom and knowledge of God. God needs to deal with our attitudes, motives and assignments. Marriage is not the most important facet of our lives, being born again is. God wants you and I to be grateful in whatever season that we’re in. There is a beauty in being married as well as in being single. If we try to overstep God’s timing, we risk heartache, missing God’s will for our life and much more.

If Being Single is the Only Problem in Your Life, You’re Blessed

Life and marriage is not about us. Our lives trials, successes and tribulations are for the glory of God. As annoying it may seem, consider it a blessing if being single is the only problem that you currently have in your life. There are people going through much more severe trials. For example, a friend of mines used her season of singleness to provide relief for the on – going Venezuela crisis. In my frailty, I have helped people who were suicidal, purposeless and going through other intense situations.

Find Your Purpose

It’s not about you. It’s about what God wants to do through you. You were made for such a time as this. Get yourself in order. I often hear people run into the ones they’re looking for when they’re not looking! For example, God has allowed me to cultivate my gift of story-telling using multimedia. As we learn to rest in God’s promises, we won’t waste our time being anxious over nothing.  

Scriptures and Additional Resources for Singles to Meditate On

But I prefer that you have no concern. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:32 MEV)
Look at the birds of the air, for they do not sow, nor do they reap, nor gather into barns. Yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much better than they ? (Matthew 6:26 MEV)
But he who is married cares for the things of the world, how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:33 – 34 MEV)
Video : Why God Told Me to Be Single by Monica Ummuna 

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Home Single

Girl, You're Still Single?

Sorry to come out and ask like that but this is a serious issue and I need us to come to an understanding that you may be the reason you’re still single.
Why?
1. Because your attitude stinks. I’m going to go ahead and get that one out the way. You’re always complaining or being negative. You’re very disrespectful and demeaning. I mean come on ladies, you can’t expect anyone to want to be around you when you’re constantly putting off bad vibes. Don’t we have enough bad vibes going around already? So, get rid of the stank attitude, it’s played out.
2. Because you’re too picky. He has to be 6’5, look good in grey sweatpants, wear a size 9 shoe, have muscles, facial hair, a house, good credit, a car, no kids, and be CEO of a company. I mean if you can get all that in one package, amen sister, but that is highly unlikely. Now I’m not saying to just be out here with no list but you can’t keep turning down men that aren’t everything on your list because nine times out of ten, THAT MAN DOESN’T EXIST. And let me just keep it all the way real with you, stop being so picky especially when you don’t even possess the qualities you’re looking for.
3. Because you’re using sex as an attraction method. Ever heard the phrase why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free? Well, that’s exactly what you’re doing, so why does he need to commit? If he’s getting everything he wants from you right now, what exactly is he working toward? Oh and let me let you in on a little secret, sex does not equate to relationship. So stop sleeping with every man you come into contact with, choose to wait for the one who wants to marry you. I guarantee when you take sex off the table, it will wean out those not worth your time.
4. Because you’re still caught up on your ex. When men approach you, all you can talk about is how old bae did this and how old bae did that. No man wants to hear about old bae, when he trying to become new bae. Stop blocking all his shots. My advice to you is to just say you’re not open to dating right now. Take time to really get over your last relationship before putting yourself out there for a new one.
5. Because no one knows you’re single. You post all these love songs and quotes all over your social media as if you’re hinting to a relationship. Stop sending mix signals. Or when you’re out and about, you turn down every guy that approaches you. Are you single or nah? I’m not saying you have to send up a red flare or anything but if you want to be in a relationship, then people need to know you’re single. So stop acting like you’re taken.
It’s tough to realize that the reason or reasons you may be single are because of you, but in a world where we want to blame everyone else, maybe  it’s time to start looking inward.
 

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Home Single

How to Get the Most Out of Your Season of Singleness

Beautiful girl having fun outdoor

Often, being single is dreaded and looked down upon. Sometimes it seems like the lonely life! Everyone is wondering, “When is my ‘good thing,’ ‘rib,’ ‘Boaz,’ or ‘bae’ coming?” However, if you continue focusing on the question of when your season of being snatched will arrive, you will miss out on what you need to learn while single. Being single is truly a blessing, and honestly, it’s a REALLY good time to learn more about yourself and grow in your relationship with Jesus.
So instead of focusing on who is “bae,” let’s focus on how you can enjoy yourself as a single person and get the most of the current season of your life. First, right now it’s just you, yourself … and YOU! It’s a blessing to have time to build yourself until the season comes for you to allow someone into your life. When that time comes, everything shifts and more than likely your life will begin to move very fast. This will give you less time to focus on your own personal growth and health because your time will be split between you and your relationship.
By the way, entering into a relationship means you’re opening up your life to someone else’s dysfunctions, perspectives, and life in general; be prepared for that. You must be as secure as possible in who you are as a person so that you can add to – and not deplete – the person with whom you’re in a relationship.
For now, while you’re single, I encourage you to look in the mirror and learn more about your likes, dislikes, insecurities, strengths, weaknesses, dreams, goals, career aspirations, and ministry gifts. Measure the health of your relationship with God and your friendships. This is the best time to make sure you are as healthy as possible in every area of your life. Be intentional about your own self-development and overall happiness.
Another area to focus on is your relationship with Jesus! Single-hood is a great time to establish and maintain a strict devotional life, growing more passionate about fasting, praying, worshiping, and reading the word of God. These four things are the foundation upon which you should build your life. Make sure you are strong in all four of these areas so that you strengthen yourself for each season of your life.
Lastly, it’s important to have as much fun as possible as a single person. Go to the movies, enjoy hobbies with friends, attend training conferences, travel the world. Whatever you consider fun, DO IT! Currently, you don’t have to think about whether your significant other or your spouse would like to participate in your hobbies … you get the freedom to do what you enjoy! Don’t waste time wondering about “bae” when the truth is that “bae” isn’t here yet … enjoy your life!
Well, there you go! To get the most out of your season of singleness, you must focus on YOU and your current season. How can you enter into a relationship with someone and add to their life if you haven’t taken care of your own life? It’s simply not possible. I promise you, take care of yourself this season and your future “bae” will thank you!

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Home Single

4 Ways to Stay Pure As a Single Person

Relax and dreaming. Outdoor portrait of thoughtful young african man sitting near the sea.

In this world, it’s hard to stay pure, especially as a single ! Read the tips below in order to thrive in your season of singleness !
1. Be In the Word
It’s important to mediate on the Word, day and night (Joshua 1:8).  Psalm 119:9 (MEV) states, “How shall a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word.” The Word tests our hearts, motives and desires (Hebrews 4:12). It renews our minds (Romans 12:2). Regularly reading the Word, strengthens our relationship with the Lord. The Word molds your desires into God’s (Ezekiel 36:26).
2. Keep an Active Prayer Life
Having an active prayer life will unleash God’s will for your life. God says you have not because you ask not (James 4:2) , but be careful not to ask from a selfish heart (James 4:3). If you are struggling in a certain area of purity, talking to God will give you the strength and guidance to move forward. Living a life of regular repentance will help you hear God’s voice. Also, take the time to listen to the Spirit and see where the Spirit is guiding you (Psalm 27:14).
3. Have an Accountability Partner/Group
Get involved with a men or women’s fellowship group. Surround yourself with people who will sharpen you (Proverbs 27:17) . You can create a WhatsApp group with like – minded individuals that you can talk to throughout the day. Find a mentor who will regularly check in on your spiritual status as well as one that you can trust with your struggles (Proverbs 15:22).
4. Flee From Youthful Lusts
Don’t indulge in shows, movies, books or music that will trigger feelings of lust or loneliness. Avoid shows that depict adulterous relationships or premarital sex. For example, if pornographic images appear on my webpage, I quickly exit the web page and immediately block any spam porn accounts. In high school, I used to watch teenage dramas, a lot of them were filled with scenes depicting premarital sex. Unsurprisingly, I started to experience lustful thoughts. R & B songs are nice, but if you notice that you start yearning and coveting for that “real love,” take a break. On the contrary, focus on media that edifies your spirit. Additionally, if you find yourself on social media envying others or feeling inadequate because you see that “everyone” is in relationships, with a house, baby and dream wedding photos  – take a break! Guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23).
Look at King David. Despite slaying giants and armies in his youth, King David fell because he stared at Bathsheba ( 2 Samuel 11). David should have looked away but he chose to watch Bathsheba bathe. It led to a downhill cycle of adultery, a child born out of wedlock and murder. Don’t think you are more righteous than David. Remember, that we have to pursue holiness (Hebrews 12:14).
Conclusion
All in all, these tips were created to avoid unnecessary strife in your singleness. This won’t guarantee a bliss free season of singleness. The devil will do everything he can  to make you feel sorry for yourself ! I  can testify to struggling with loneliness at times. I am not perfect, and often succumb to my own weaknesses. However, God rejoices in our weaknesses because when we are weak, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10). Your season of singleness is a special time. This is the time you can reach the lost like never before, strengthen your relationship with God, pursue your dreams and heal from past wounds. Be blessed and stay strong in the Lord !
Other Scripture References/Resources : John 10:10,  Psalm 37:4,  1 Corinthians 7:34 , Matthew 18:9
The Heather Lindsey Show discusses the effects of secular music/media on the mind

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Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Ways To Know You're Ready to Date Again

young woman looking thoughtful at the coffee shop

How do you know when it’s time to start living the next chapter of your life?
After having brunch with some friends, I started thinking about that question. I listened to them talk about their relationships and how they would just put themselves out there. I’ve seen women time after time fool themselves into thinking they were ready to date for whatever the reason, but my question is what makes you think that you’re ready?
That’s when I started examining those closest to me, especially those in successful relationships, and came up with the following three ways women can know they ready to date again.
 1. You’re no longer bitter about your ex
You aren’t stalking his social media, you’re not checking his new girlfriend’s social media either, you’re not leaving rude comments- acting like you’re Jazmine Sullivan. We’ve all been there, but if you’re still there, then you are not ready to be in another relationship.
When you’re truly over your ex, you don’t care what they are doing nor do you care who they are doing it with. If they’ve moved on, you’re happy for them and you don’t have any unresolved feelings.
In order for you to start a new chapter, you can’t be still hung up on an ex.
2. You’re no longer interested in rebounds
You know what a re-bounder is? Someone you use as an attempt to get over the last person you dated or use as an attempt to make your ex jealous. A lot of us, when we break up with someone, turn into serial daters where we date randoms (someone not sent by God), just out there choosing anybody. You use re-bounders as a distraction. They are often used as a physical and emotional coping mechanism when you’re not interested in being with them long-term.
When you’re truly interested in dating someone there won’t be any games. You won’t try to distract yourself from the pain of a past failed relationship, you’ll be in a space to offer your whole self to someone.
 3. You’re happy with who you are
Being happy with who you are is a key in knowing that you’re ready to date. Why? Because when you are happy with yourself, you make choices that will keep you happy. You won’t make decisions that are destructive to yourself, your purpose or your destiny. When you are truly happy with yourself, you will attract a mate that is also happy with themselves.
Being happy with yourself means you won’t repeat past errors or mistakes, nor will you expect the next relationship to make up for all the pain you experienced previously because you’ve taken the time to heal appropriately and you’ve taken time to find happiness in yourself and most importantly in God.
What I’m learning being single is that when you’re out living the best life, the life God has planned for you, is usually when God decides to sweep you off of your feet. So don’t be in such a rush to fill your life with meaningless people who will leave you with meaningless memories.
Once you decide that you’re ready to start dating let it because you want to share your happiness with someone, not because you’re trying to erase the memory of someone else.

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Communication Home Marriage Parenting Spiritual Intimacy

3 Priorities to Build the Best Marriage Ever

Closeup portrait of a young couple, guy in yellow shirt kissing woman with blue shirt, happy moments, positive human emotions on isolated outdoors outside background.

Priorities are important for a godly marriage. When there is no order in your marriage, the enemy will major in creating division in your union. Here are 3 good and practical priorities to help keep your marriage flowing in line with God’s principles:

  1. Love God first. Mark 12:30 states to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” The Lord must be first in your marriage to keep the foundation of your marriage strong. When we love Him, we can love others from that outflow. Here are some ways to keep God in the #1 spot of your life:
  • Study the Word of God daily.
  • Spend time each day in prayer and worship with your spouse.
  • Encourage and spend time with other godly couples.
  1. Be your spouse’s best friend. Ephesians 5:22-25 speaks of how wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Likewise, husbands are to love their wives, as Christ loved the church. Your marriage and friendship are like a garden, what you plant is what you get out of it.

Remember romance and sex are important but building a friendship solidifies the foundation of your marriage. Scheduling date nights, taking spur-of-the-moment getaways, spending quality time without phone or computer distractions, and buying one another spontaneous gifts are some ways of keeping your relationship a priority.

  1. Don’t forget your children and family. The next priority after your marriage is your family. After all, ministry starts at home. 1 Timothy 5:8 says that if we do not care for our relatives and immediate family, then we deny the Christian faith and operate as unbelievers. What does making this a priority look like?
  • Creating a family mission statement that intentionally values Christlike development.
  • Spending time with your children to teach and raise them up as the next generation of leaders for Christ (Proverbs 22:6).
  • Building up, encouraging, and supporting your family to walk and keep growing in love of God.

These three practical priorities will cause love and grace to flow in your marriage. What other priorities could you set as a game changer for your marriage?

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Dating/Courting Home

3 Myths About Courtship

Happy couple in love walking in Gamla Stan, Stockholm city visiting Sweden. Young adults tourists on travel or Swedish urban people in summer walking on a date.

Let’s debunk these myths, shall we….
Myth 1. You Don’t Have to Prepare for a Courtship.
Many people believe that the only relationship necessary to prepare for is marriage. However, how can one prepare for marriage and completely skip the fact that there’s a huge step you must take before you say “I do”- Courtship. Courtship, which is considered “righteous dating” because it is done from a place of purity,  is a huge step!
It’s a time and a season of life that needs to be taken VERY seriously. When you prepare for courtship, you’re ultimately preparing for marriage. How, you ask? Your preparation should include learning the importance of sobriety, discipline, honor, respect for yourself and your significant other, integrity, communication and purity! These are all aspects that, if you train yourself in them before courtship, will be strengthened through courtship, thereby laying the foundation for a stable marriage.
As my pastor always says: “Things don’t go wrong, they start wrong.” If you’re not intentional about preparing for each season of your life, it is highly likely that you won’t succeed in the capacity God wants you to because of your lack of intentional preparation.
Myth 2. Boundaries? No One Needs Those!
I speak with people all the time about the importance of boundaries, not just in courting relationships, but in general, and the response I always receive is “I never knew how important boundaries are!” Let me warn you, if you desire to live to the standard of the word of God and you want to walk in complete purity in your courtship … YOU NEED BOUNDARIES!
“The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak,” and this will surely hold true as you grow in relationship with a person you desire to marry. Think about it; you’re attracted to this person, you become comfortable, you let down your guard, you may already know you’re headed in the direction of marriage … it’s extremely easy to have a slip-up if you’re not careful.
To lessen the chances of this happening, set up a few clear boundaries. For example:

  • End nighttime phone calls by 11 p.m.
  • Don’t spend the night at each other’s houses.
  • Set a curfew for yourself!
  • No kissing – To each his own, but this helped my courtship stay pure!

Myth 3. It’s Easy!
Lie, lie, lie, lie and lie again, ha! Courtship is extremely hard at times … well, if you do it God’s way, of course. Let me give you the reality from someone who is actually walking through it. First, there’s no sex involved in courtship. Sex can be a blinder that excuses a person’s behavior; since this is not the case, you get to feel the reality of a person’s dysfunctions. Second, you must remain sober through your courtship, not overlooking issues that need to be addressed, working through your own insecurities and heart issues. If this isn’t your first relationship, you may have to work through some more healing from issues you had in your past relationship that you thought were gone.
Finally, you are tested over and over again in your ability to love purely and soberly and to REMAIN in the season you’re in. Remember, you’re not married yet, so marriage privileges cannot be given.
I’ll end with this tad bit of wisdom – Ladies, he must pursue you through the entire courtship. Fellas, she needs to remain in a place of being led and not becoming controlling. If these two things are not happening, you may want to have an honest conversation; you may want to even include a married couple for accountability.
So, there you go! Courtship is beautiful, but I think it’s important for people to see the reality and not just the roses and lovey-dovey moments! Have fun and enjoy!

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

4 Tips To Help Married Couples Stay Married

Young African American Couple Walking In Countryside

Your first year of marriage is extremely foundational. They say the habits you form in year one can dictate the direction your marriage will continue down. Here are some good, practical marriage habits to help keep your relationship healthy and on the right track.
 

  1. Have Regular Check-Ins.

I cannot stress enough the importance of communication. When we first got married, my husband and I had regular weekly check-ins where we knew we could be safe and honest with each other. Here are some things you may cover in your check-in’s:
 

  • How can I love you better?
  • Was there anything that happened this week you would like to talk about?
  • What can I do to better support you in x,y,z?

 
Regular communication keeps things from building up over time and addresses the issue sooner rather than later. Don’t be afraid to schedule time for these activities – whether it’s weekly check-ins, monthly date nights, scheduled sex, planning ahead of time will help you be more intentional in keeping the health of you marriage a priority when life gets busy.
 

  1. Make Goals, Create Vision.

Every six months my husband and I pull out our journal and record. We talk about favorite moments from the last part of the year, things we are learning, things we have improved, and most importantly – new goals we are working towards in the current season. Doing it together keeps us focused on building the life we want together. Goals can help motivate you, giving you something to strive for and encourage you to be the best you can be. Vision brings a shared sense of purpose into your day by day. These two combined can help you create a plan to have a fulfilling marriage that works for both of you.
 

  1. Manage your finances together.

I cannot stress the importance of this point. It amazes me how many people bring the “me” and “my” money mentality into their marriages. Doing it together is a great discipline – it allows both spouses to be informed as to what comes in and what it takes to manage a household. Many times marriages often have one spouse in control, and the other that simply follows their lead. Having one spouse in charge leaves room for financial abuse – potentially having one spouse dictating or controlling where the money can go, and deciding what is justified in spending money on a purchase. Regardless of who makes more, you are now one- additional income, but one pot.
 
As you manage your finances together, you can build financial goals around your life aspirations, and see forward progress on a monthly basis – whether that is debt reduction, saving for a down payment for a house, vacation, a baby fund, etc. Managing your finances allows you to navigate the path you wish to go down versus being limited by your financial circumstances.
 

  1. Have Personal Time- Invest In You.

In order to be the best version of you, don’t forget to invest in yourself – your spiritual walk, your health, and continuing hobbies/activities that make you happy. How can you give out, if you haven’t invested inside? You are one, but it doesn’t mean you have to lose your individuality.
 
For the first year of our marriage I always wanted to spend time with my husband. I realized that I had stopped doing some things that made me happy because he didn’t find interest in them, and I found myself picking up activities he did because I was trying to be supportive, but it wasn’t who I was. It’s good to find things to do together, but don’t forget to balance your together and personal time. You’ll find you enjoy your togetherness more and you will be more intentional with the time you do have together.
 
And as a final note, keep it simple. Be practical; make steps and routines that work for your relationship. What works for my husband and I may not work for another couple based on their schedules and personalities. Be sensitive to what each of you needs, and develop a plan to make your marriage work.
 
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single Uncategorized

Ex – Lesbian Discusses Her Transformed Life in Christ

Emily Thomes is a wife and speaker. Prior to meeting Benjamin “Ben” Thomes, Emily would mock Christians, dabble with drugs and lived a life of promiscuity. She was also a staunch lesbian and would use male washrooms. In 2014, Thomes started to attend her aunt’s Bible studies. Emily was never pressured to change her lifestyle but was personally convicted after learning about the different attributes of God and reading Scripture.  Thomes decided she need to change her life and left the lesbian lifestyle and drugs. A couple of years after getting saved, Emily met the love of her life, Ben. In this interview, Thomes goes in-depth to discuss single – hood, marriage and tragedy. In the midst of it all, Thomes sought to keep Christ in the center.

emilywedding

Habiba Abudu (HA) : The life you live now is a stark contrast to your life a couple of years ago. Can you discuss the change that occurred in your life?

Emily Thomes (ET) : In short, God saved me. I was granted to see myself as a wretched sinner in need of a new heart and a new life and He gave me that. My life had been marked by various sin : practicing homosexuality, smoking marijuana, and drunkenness to name a few. Today, it’s marked by imperfect but sincere obedience, by His grace.

HA : Did you ever deal with loneliness when your were single ?

ET : I did. He used that season to glorify Himself all the more. He showed Himself sufficient for me when I didn’t have a significant other.

HA : In your season of singleness, how did you prepare to be a wife ?

ET : I spent time with married women, usually wives who were also moms, and learned from them.

HA : You met Ben via Facebook ? How did you navigate a long distance relationship ?

ET : I did ! His mom introduced us actually. We weren’t long distance for long. The first few months, we started each day with a phone call where he’d read the devotional book Morning and Evening, by Charles Spurgeon with me. We’d also text and FaceTime each other throughout the day. We both desired marriage in one another, so he moved to North East Texas pretty quickly.

emilywedding2

HA : Was it awkward sharing your past with Ben ?

ET : Thanks to Facebook, I actually didn’t have to tell him much about  it. Once we became friends on Facebook, Ben came across my testimony video. We discussed it, and to my surprise Ben never once made me feel like the greater sinner, though our pre-conversion lives were nearly opposite. Ben understood his own depravity and need for grace. That caused Ben to see us as equal recipients of His grace. It made conversation with Ben easy and safe for me.

emilyben2

HA : What has your first year of marriage taught you ?

ET : Marriage has taught me that although I’ve been made new, I’m still often plagued with fallen flesh and a desire to have my own way and not the Lord’s. This is also true for Ben. As wise as I had believed I’d become and as perfect, dreamy and intelligent my husband is, we’re both still in need of grace daily. The Lord has humbled us both and we needed it. He’s given us a partner to walk the gospel out with and for that I’m forever grateful. I pray that in the coming years we grow in our love, patience, wisdom and trust God to continue the good work that He started in us.

HA : Last year, you shared the tragic news of suffering a miscarriage. How did Ben and yourself handle this difficult period of your life ?

ET : Ben was incredible. He was devastated, when I first contacted him at work to tell him I was going to the hospital. He wept and expressed sorrow for our child and me. By the time he got to my side, he had put aside his own grieving and gave me the floor to hurt for the next few weeks while he patiently loved and served me. I saw two sides of Ben : a dad who was mourning the loss of a child and a husband willing to put his feelings on the ” back burner ” for some of my darkest moments. He provided a shoulder to lean on and comfort. I loved him even more because of the miscarriage. 

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HA : Finally, what advice would you share with those aspiring to be married ?

ET : To those desiring marriage, knowing the spiritual condition of the person you’re considering is the highest priority. I don’t say this because I learned the hard way. It’s something I believe Ben and I did rightly. Before we allowed ourselves to develop incredibly strong feelings for one another, we discussed doctrine, theology and the fruit in our lives. We talked about literally every topic we could think of for weeks. Once I was convinced that Ben could lead me spiritually and Ben was convinced that I love the Lord and was seeking to honor Him, did we move beyond that. Romantic feelings alone cannot be what a relationship is based on.

Desiring God has an article called “When the Not-Yet Married Meet.” In it, the author says, “Intimacy is safest in the context of marriage, and marriage is safest in the context of clarity.” That’s the best advice that I could give to a couple considering marriage. Take the time to investigate the other person before your heart jumps in and distorts what you’re seeing. Once you know that person is someone that you desire to marry and that, most importantly, the marriage would honor God, go for it.

Marriage is a wonderful and godly commitment. Being married is challenging, sanctifying and beautiful because He created it for man. Paul encouraged marriage for those that desire it. Ben and I were married within six months of knowing each, (Ben was 20 and Emily was 24 when they got married). While neither of us are perfectly mature or holy, we wouldn’t be in ten more years either, especially as single people. Marriage has been the sharpest tool that he Lord’s given me for growth yet.