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How Close Is To Close?

As a single man, I sometimes wrestle with the the thought of being close to a woman. I mean really how close is to close? I want to be close but at the same time I want to be pure. I definitely do not want to open up doors before they should be open or even open up a door that was never meant to be open. For me this is difficult because I am naturally friendly and enjoy being around people.
So I pose this question, how close is to close???
Now I could sit here all day long and write out a whole lot of do’s and dont’s and give you all the guidelines and boundaries but the reality is when there are rules in place, we usually find ways around them or even to break them. I can say all day long do not kiss a girl while you are single but that would probably make you want to do it more. It’s always the forbidden fruit that we desire the most.
I joke often about a defense mechanism that I once heard somebody say. If a girl gets close enough to kiss me, I’m just going to punch her. It would kill the mood, the vibe, and the moment. Before you throw any stones, I am just kidding. However, when I think about somebody being that close to me, I think about what happened for them to get to that place. As well as what did I do to make them feel comfortable enough to do something of the sort.
Here is a real situation. I was planning on going to a bible study one night. Earlier in the day I had a meeting with a female friend of mine to discuss some ministry events. After the meeting I simply invited her to the Bible study. She politely asked if she could ride with me to the Bible study. Since I didn’t really see an issue with it, I agreed.
That night as we were on our way to the bible study, we were having regular conversations (nothing inappropriate) when suddenly, I got this feeling. It was a feeling of conviction. As I thought to myself why do I feel this way. The thought that came immediately after was WHO ARE YOU ACCOUNTABLE TO? I knew right at that moment that I was too close. Maybe not too close to a person but to close to temptation.
Close is not about the physical boundaries because you can set rules and regulations all day for that. Too close is simply being in a place where you are not held accountable for your actions. that night I realized that I jeopardized my purity. I put to much trust in my own flesh.

James 1: 14-15NLT says “temptation comes from our own desires which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow it gives birth to death.”

How close is too close? Too close is the moment you stop being accountable to someone stronger than you are and trust your flesh more than you trust accountability.

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5 Questions To Ask Yourself While Waiting For Your Spouse

Let’s define the word “wait”.
Merriam-Webster.com defines it as, “: to stay in a place until an expected event happens, until someone arrives, until it is your turn to do something, etc.: to not do something until something else happens: to remain in a state in which you expect or hope that something will happen soon”.
 
The first picture that comes to mind of someone waiting for marriage is a scene of an individual at a bus stop with bags filled with expectations, hopes and desires to be fulfilled by someone else. The perception of marriage can sometimes take the form in an individual’s mind that life starts when I say “I Do”.  I would like to suggest for you to get off the bus stop, unpack your bags and to get in a car to begin the journey on the road of life.
While waiting, there are some parameters that the Bible states that we should stay within. They are not rules to control you but to keep your heart safe from strife and confusion. 1 Corinthians 6: 18-20 talks about fleeing fornication and that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit and that we are not our own. Our body is not to be given to someone or something that does not glorify God; it does not belong to us. Giving it to someone else outside the confines of marriage really defines us as thief and stealing something that does not belong to us in the first place.
 
If you are a virgin, remain until you are married. It is a gift that your future mate will honor and cherish. If you are having sex, there is no condemnation but stop. Find accountability partners that will encourage you to walk in holiness and provide strategies to help you to remain pure.
1 Thess 4:3-5; Rom 6:11-14; Eph 5:3
Marriage is a beautiful union between one man and one woman created by God for the purpose of serving each other. In order to do this well, a solidification of one’s identity in Christ prior to entering in to the life-long commitment is needed. The season of being unmarried is not at all a time to be stagnant and sitting at home watching love stories on Lifetime, but is a short window of opportunity for you to develop and prepare ourselves for our spouse.
Ask yourself these 5 questions:
1. Who am I? It would be a little awkward to sit in front of someone that you are potentially interested in and unable to answer this question. Pray and ask God for definition. Exploration of who you are is not an overnight process and evolves over time.
2. In what ways can I serve others? Working in your local church or volunteering your abilities to the service of others not only builds character but helps you understand how to connect with people.
3. What do my finances look like? How you spend money is a direct reflection of the ability to prepare. Take some finance seminars, learn about investments, have an emergency fund; some may even be able to buy a house and an investment property.
4. Who are my friends? True friendships among men and women during the unmarried season are there to make you stronger and encourage you in your walk with the Lord.
5. What activities do I like to do? What hobbies do I have? Where would I like to travel? Once defined, do them. There is a level of freedom that can be experienced during the unmarried season that you can not only dream about but can also achieve.
 
Being unmarried is a season of discovery and joy to establish friendships and trying new things. An opportunity to build your character and to allow the Holy Spirit to shape you in to a vessel that is clean and able to be used for the advancement of the Kingdom. It is a short segment of life that may feel like forever while you are in it, but remember marriage is a lifetime. So my friends, don’t just stand there… get moving and wait until the expected end happens.
INS
mage courtesy of Chaiwat / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

3 Problems Blaming Others For Your Actions Creates

The blame game has been going on for many years. Even when Adam and Eve were confronted about their mistakes in the Garden of Eden they blamed someone else. When asked why he did what he did, Adam went from calling Eve “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh” to “that woman you put here with me.” (Genesis 2:23 & Genesis 3:12). When Eve was asked why she did what she did, she blamed the serpent (Genesis 3:13). It seems like we have always had problems taking responsibility for our actions. This accountability issue is still heavily present in our generation today.
This creates 3 HUGE problems.
1. The first problem with the blame game is that it takes the ability to change the situation out of your hands. If ALL your problems are TRULY someone else’s fault, then you can’t do anything about it. But, if you were to admit that you were responsible for a lot of these problems, if not all of your problems, then you become empowered to change them. Once you begin to look for what you could have done differently to stop the problem from occurring and what you can do now to fix the problem, you are no longer a victim who has no say or control, but are now the answer/solution to your problems!!
2. The second problem with the blame game is that it makes it nearly impossible for you to grow as a person. If you are constantly focusing on the spec in someone else’s eye, it’s going to be hard for you to fix the plank in your own eye. When you refuse to take fault when you are at fault, you are actually cheating yourself out of a valuable growth opportunity. You can’t fix something you don’t first recognize is broken. When you come out of denial and begin to focus on your own issues, you can then begin to fix them, which will result in personal growth!
3. The third problem with the blame game is that it makes having any kind of meaningful, long-term, and truly loving relationship impossible. If you view every issue as being someone else’s fault you will be quick to leave, quit, and give up, and you will always be looking for someone else who can make you happier. You will never be satisfied. You will be constantly running from problems, only to find out the one consistent problem in your life is YOU! This will affect ALL of your relationships such as:

  • Friendship: If you refuse to believe you are a part of the problem, you will constantly be fluctuating between friends groups and will never truly find those life-long friends. No friend is perfect, including you. If you can’t seem to maintain friends to save your life, you may want to re-evaluate what the issue really is.
  • Family: It really is possible to get along with your family even if you have different value systems and views. Just because they may be a little different from you doesn’t mean you can’t get along. If you have an estranged relationship with a primary family member, chances are you have played some role in the current status of that relationship.
  • Dating/Courting/Engaged/Married: “On to the next one” seems to be the motto we live by in our love relationships today. If we aren’t satisfied or happy with this person, well then we deserve to leave and find someone who will make us happy! The issue with this mentality is that the problem seems to continuously follow us around no matter who we are with, which leads to more boyfriends/girlfriends than we can count on fingers and toes, divorce, heartbreak, and an overall bitterness towards love. Well I’m here to tell you that no matter who you are with, you WILL have problems. Yes, I do believe that there are some people better suited for each other than others. However, no matter who you end up with, your issues will always be there waiting to be dealt with too. Once you realize that you have problems and that your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse chooses to love you and stay with you anyway, you will be less focused on their issues. Its easy to run away and skip and hop between relationships, but its also less fulfilling and will never result in the depths of love that can only be experienced in a deep committed covenant relationship.

Resolution: Although it will be uncomfortable, it is worth it to learn how to take responsibility for your actions and become accountable for who you are. Once you stop blaming others, you are free to change your life. You will gain both better relationships and a better you!
 
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

16 Questions to Ask the Person You're Thinking About Marrying

When you are first dating, it’s easy to get caught up in hours of endless conversation.  However, as the relationship progresses into something more serious, you realize that all that conversation may have missed some important topics.  We usually hit the big stuff about life (faith, careers, family, etc), but when it comes to specifics about our relationship, we often miss the opportunity to dig deeper.  When my husband and I were dating and hit that point, I wrote down some questions I wanted to know the answers to.  Luckily, I wrote them in my notes app on my phone, so I still have them to pass along to you.
 
Whether you are seriously dating, or even newly married, I recommend these as great conversation starters.  If you’re looking for tips on how to be subtle with these, I have none.  I literally whipped out my phone and started asking questions.  But these questions evolved into a great conversation where we were both able to get to know each other better.
 
This list is by no means exhaustive and if you have a question or topic you think would be a great addition, put it in the comments section.
 
1. What is something about your parents’ marriage that you like and hope to emulate?
 
2.  What is something about your parents’ marriage that you would like to avoid/ not do?
 
3.  When thinking about marriages that you admire, what are the qualities that you like and hope to develop?
 
4. When thinking about marriages that you do not admire, what are the qualities that you hope to avoid?
 
5. What personality traits do you have that would make you a good husband/wife?
 
6. Bad husband/wife?
 
7. What are traits or characteristics about me that you think would make me a good husband/wife?
 
8. Bad husband/wife?
 
9. Do you feel comfortable enough with me that you could talk to me about difficult subjects?
i.e. sin, physical appearance, behavior, money
 
10. What are some family traditions you would like to establish?
 
11. How do you envision your future career? How do I fit into that vision? What is the timeline in an ideal world?
 
12. How do you envision your future involvement in the local church? How do I fit into that vision? What is the timeline in an ideal world?
 
13. If it were completely up to you, how many children would you have? How spread out?
 
14. Do you want a parent to stay home with the kids or do you want both parents to work?
 
15. What are some of your thoughts or ideas or ideals on how the children should be raised?
 
16. Where do you see us in 5 years? 10? 20?

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Dating/Courting Home Marriage

The Devil's Plan for Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is one of the major days of the year when the enemy seeks to control the emotions of the unmarried. During this time we see unGodly spirits of loneliness, depression, isolation, comparison, rejection and doubt manifesting in full effect. Women are typically more affected by not having a man/husband in their life more than men are affected by not having a woman/wife. However, both men and women are often greatly affected during this time. So, why are unmarried believers so negatively affected by Valentine’s day or the real issue of not having a valentine/companion?
 
It is the plan of hell to get unmarried men and women to fall into the trap of believing the lies that they are alone, unworthy of love, hopeless and forgotten because they are not in a relationship. However, God’s truth is that whether you are unmarried, engaged or married, you are loved unconditionally by the creator of love! It is offensive to God to focus more on the small and little things that you don’t have at this point in your life than to receive and embrace his love for you! You were never created to be defined by your relationship status or to allow it to determine your happiness. If you find it difficult to enjoy life and to be happy now while you are unmarried, what is the likelihood a man or woman will succeed in making you happy? Your happiness should be in Christ Jesus on Valentine’s Day and every other day! He is deeply in love with you and longs for you to love him more than anything in this world.
 
To the unmarried I encourage you to rest in knowing God has not forgotten about you. His timing and will for your life is perfect. Trust that he knows what is best for you and in due season he will grant you the desires of your heart that are in alignment with his purpose for you. While you wait remember, you are the apple of God’s eye and your life is so significant and valuable to him (“You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you” Isaiah 43:4). I challenge you to close the door to every accusation of the enemy that desires to provoke you to feel sad, alone, unloved and depressed. You may not have a mate right now but you have a life to enjoy and love of Jesus Christ! He is right there with you and will never leave or forsake you!
 
Who says the unmarried can not celebrate and enjoy valentine’s day? The word of God tells us “This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm118:24). February 14th belongs to the Lord therefore we should all celebrate and rejoice in it! I encourage you to refuse to be counseled by the enemy this upcoming valentine’s day. Go out and have fun! Take your self to dinner and a movie. Most importantly embrace the true lover of your soul. Although flowers, cards and candy are all nice gestures, the love of God can not be compared to any materialistic thing. Choose to fall in love with Jesus this Valentines holiday!

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For Men: 5 Crucial Keys to Stay Pure

1. Tame The Beast – God gave me a sex drive, but He also gave me earn money writing online power to control it. I will not let me body control me, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, I will control my body.

1 Corinthians 9:27 – But I discipline my body and bring it under my subjection, so that the day that I preach, I myself am not disqualified.

 

2. Cut Out The Crap – My calling, destiny and purity is way to costly to provide myself with any opportunities to fall into temptation.

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I will place a high value on my purity by eliminating those opportunities (on my phone, computer, television, etc) as well as choosing to renew my mind on God’s idea of sexuality and beauty.

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Romans 12:2 – Don’t be conformed to the ways of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind to God’s ways.

 

3. Put A Face Before The Porn – Whether I am a husband now or still don’t know the woman I am going to marry, I am going to put my (future or present) spouse before a temporary, sexual satisfaction. To fight this fight, I ask God to keep my heart fixed on the prize and to give me a revelation of how I can love her well by guarding my sexuality. What I do now sows into the future of my marriage.

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love and cherish your wives just like Jesus loves and cherishes the Church. 

 

4. Defend The Red Zone – At all costs, I will defend my physical, emotional and spiritual red zones. In turn, I will also defend HER red zones by putting up physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries until I have committed to her with a covenant.

1 Corinthians 7:36-37 – If a man thinks that he is treating his woman-to-be improperly and will inevitably give in to his passion, let him marry her… it’s not a sin. But if he has decided not to marry or there is no urgency and he can CONTROL his passions, he does well in this. 

 

5. Join The Brotherhood – I recognize that God instituted us as “THE BODY” and that I cannot do this alone. I have surrounded myself with brothers who are fighting this fight with me and keep me accountable in my endeavors to guard my sexual purity. I know that God has FORGIVEN my sins, but to walk in HEALING and FREEDOM, I must expose my secrets to the light. There, they have no power.

James 5:16 – Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

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Dating/Courting Home

Pursue Her! A Message to Christian Men

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Opposites Really Do Attract

In my life, I have worked my butt off…or have I? I’ll let you be the judge. Not really, but I’ll let you think you’re judging me. I’ve had 26 jobs since I turned 16 and just started my 27th. Many people would say I can’t hold down a job, I lack commitment, or in Jon Acuff’s words, I’m a serial quitter. I tend to think of myself rather, a learner. I learn something then move on. Though when I say move on, I mean actually MOVE. I have moved 7,092 miles since graduating college in May, 2010. I’ve lived on opposite coasts (West Coast, Best Coast!), the midwest, and the deep south (Better than both coasts). I’m actually a serial mover, not serial quitter.
 
I’ve never been one to sit still, I’m fidgety. I don’t have ADHD or ADD but some days I like to think of myself as a middle schooler trapped in an adult’s body. Besides, immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people. Can I get an amen? I have loved every move and would do it all again.
 
But as “fun” as I think I am, and as much as I have moved around, I married a still sitter. Although she has moved, it’s been well thought out. My moves? Not so much.
I married an attorney that is a thinker and a processor that decides something and sticks to it. I could never have found someone more opposite than me. Why marry her? Why marry someone like that? Why? One word, BALANCE. She gives me what I don’t have. What I lack in thought process, she makes up for, in detail. Balance, I did need it, I do need it, and I always will need it.
 
Some people told me in my single days, “Marry someone just like you! It’s more fun that way!” Well, if I married someone just like me, we would be broke, in a random city, wondering where to go next, or what to do next. In our case, opposites attract. But not just opposites attract, but opposites fulfill. That’s the big idea that I want you to see.
 
God doesn’t just want to give you someone that you’re attracted to, but someone that will fulfill what you don’t have. So can I say my wife completes me? Maybe. Are there still areas that she can’t fulfill? Of course. she’s human. Only God can fully fulfill me.
Whether you are dating, engaged, or married, look for those areas that you’re not gifted in and see if your mate compliments you. I hope they do. Don’t just leave it there; see how you can complete your spouse. If your mate isn’t good in a certain area, try it out! You might be their answer to what they need.

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Im Engaged! Now What?

 
I could hardly believe that it was my turn to say “yes to the dress”! It all really didn’t hit me until I flew back home after the engagement, to California and began to think of all of the natural and spiritual things that needed to be done in order for our engagement season to be fruitful. Yes, you have to pick a date for the wedding, send out invitations, picking your bridal party etc. But you don’t want to miss out on the beautiful season in which you have just embarked on. One of the definition’s of Engagement is “an arrangement to do something or go somewhere at an appointed time” You all read know that you have an appointment and time to meet your soon to be husband. So during the duration of planning and patiently waiting, there are things that can be done, character that can be sharpened and understanding that can be found. Here are a few things that I focused on as well as learned while being engaged last year.
 
Pre-Marital Counseling
Even though Jamal and I were in two different states during our engagement we still made it a priority to include pre-marital counseling into our schedules. It was one of the best decisions that we made, it allowed us both to be focused on the true purpose of why were getting married in the midst of busyness that came with all of the wedding planning.  In the bible it clearly states in Proverbs 15:22 “Where there is no counsel, purposes are disappointed; But in the multitude of counselors they are established”
 
RELAX
While planning my wedding last year, I had moments where I was nervous, scared, anxious on how certain things would come along and If I really would have the wedding of my dreams. At times I allowed those feelings to overshadow what God  had already done or was doing in my very midst. Be thankful for what you have, don’t compare your proposal, ring, wedding venue or site to  your neighbor’s.  Express what you desire to see on your wedding day to God, your fiancé and those you are entrusting to help make your day special. Once you do that, RELAX and watch it all come together.  Philippians 4:6 “In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God”
 
The Future
You and your husband will need to be able to survive financially after the wedding! Don’t go into debt for your wedding. In the beginning this was extremely hard for me. My mindset was “I’m only getting married once” ha! Which is true, but you want to use wisdom. There are so many different and cost effective ways to have a beautiful wedding day. Whether you have the funds to go all out or not you want to use wisdom and invest in the things that you and your fiancé really desire to have on your wedding day. Remember that the end of the things is better than the beginning. So when you all are heading home after your honeymoon, you all wont miss a beat! Ecclesiastes 7: 8 “Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof; and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit”.

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Engaged Home Marriage

Ms. Independent-Who Really Runs the World?

No matter your age or marital status, it is always important as a woman to actively strive to become a more Godly you, not only for your personal benefit, but also for the benefit of those around you and your ability to be used in God’s kingdom.  One challenge we face as women is correctly defining what it means to be a Godly and successful woman. In a culture that promotes, encourages, idolizes, and embodies the idea of a woman who needs none other than M-E, the pressure to do everything and need no one constantly bombards us.  The new idea of a strong woman is no longer defined by a woman who serves, submits, and puts others above her, but instead is a power-hungry, person-pusher who will do anything, say anything, and compromise her body, image, and reputation all in the name of making it to the top.  In the words of “Queen Bey”- “Who runs the world? GIRLS!”
But were we really created to run the world and is that a position/title we would truly feel fulfilled and happy bearing? One moment we are degrading the entire population of men begging them to stand up and take their place as husbands and fathers, and the next second we are shoving them out of our way and calling them oppressive womanizing pigs. Do we even know what we want? The fact of the matter is we have become extreme in our needs and wants and have forsaken the Godly balance of respectful submission. Were we created to lead? YES! But, were we created to run the world? NO. I am not suggesting that we all sit down quietly in a corner and do nothing, however I am also not saying that we should push our way to the top.
A woman is actually in the best position to lead, love, succeed and be truly happy when she is covered, protected, and supported by a Godly man or person. Submission is a freeing and beautiful thing when the person you are submitting to has your best interest in mind. (Now, for those of you who aren’t dating, courting, engaged, or married, you may be thinking what does this have to do with me? But, I am NOT just talking about a dating relationship. Submission is something that should also be practiced with your friends, your pastor(s), your leaders, your teachers, your authorities, and in all covenant relationships. And, if you do hope to one day be married, make sure you not only have the correct view on submission, but practice it!)
At the end of the day we wouldn’t be called to live in community if we didn’t actually NEED that community. Let go of the false pressure to be a prideful, hardened, people-abusing woman who needs no one and is capable of doing everything on her own. Actually achieving this would 1. be nearly impossible, and 2. be completely miserable. It’s okay to need help and it is good to submit to the protection, counsel, and covering of those around you. Don’t attempt to build up hard walls that keep everyone out while trying to prove to the world you don’t need anyone and are I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.  You’ll actually find that your glass bubble is easily broken, extremely lonely, and super unfulfilling. Even if this terrible method does help you make it to the top, whom will you share your successes with? Free yourself to not only need and rely on other people, but to also submit to them.  It is ONLY through engaging in covenant relationships with the community of Christ that you will be able to become a Godly, successful, great and happy woman. Yes, you may get hurt along the way, but as always, anything with any value or worth usually involves a little pain and work.