Guest Writer: Steven Beckham
You’re getting married soon and whether you feel ready or not, you’re probably not. I thought I was ready, but there is quite a bit that I wasn’t adequately prepared for. Hopefully these words will help you lay the foundation for an unbreakable marriage.
To my friend, the groom:
1. Happy wife, happy life. I know you’ve probably heard it before, but making this a priority is key to having a great marriage. You will find that the best thing you can do to bring you joy in your marriage is to make her happy. Compliment her frequently, and she won’t go looking for those words of affirmation elsewhere. Please her in bed, and your sex life will excel. Also, understand that you are not king of the bed yet.
Sex does not come as easy as you’ve probably dreamed it would. It takes time and practice, but learn what she likes and make it a habit to please her first. If she’s not enjoying it, you won’t enjoy it, and sex will become a burden for both of you. Always be looking for ways to make her fall more in love with you, in and out of the bedroom. In every facet of your married life, make pleasing her your primary concern, and you will find that both of you are extremely satisfied.
2. Start praying now about how you will grow together spiritually. This became a pain-point in our marriage very quickly. Neither of us has ever had a real issue growing a relationship with God on our own. Throw another human being in the mix, however, and everything changes. Yes, you still have your own individual relationships with God, but finding ways to grow together in Christ can be challenging, especially when two leaders come together with different ways of worshipping and with different spiritual disciplines.
This is arguably the most important part of your marriage. Start somewhere, and let it grow. Go through a devotional book together. Read through Scripture together. Pray together. Pray over one another. Put on music and dance around the house together. Try new things, find what you enjoy doing together, and stick with it. You’re not just an individual anymore; the two become one!
3. Find your way of bonding. My wife and I have discovered that we love watching TV shows together, especially ones that give us a good laugh. Right now, we’re both really into Parks and Recreation. We watch an episode almost every night as a way to relax, spend time together, and create inside jokes.
We often find ourselves quoting it throughout the day and making each other laugh, even if no one else knows what we’re talking about. And if one of us isn’t home, we don’t watch it. It’s not an individual thing; it’s our thing. This has created many great moments in our marriage. Whether it’s watching a TV show together, running together, shopping together, or something else, discover what you and your wife both enjoy doing, and do it together.
4. Get away from the screens. Obviously, watching a show together does not apply. If you are bonding, screens are fair game. But nowadays, whether it’s a cell phone, a TV, a computer, or a tablet of some kind, it’s so easy to use up any and all free time staring at a screen.
Let your wife know that she’s more important than who you’re texting or what you’re doing. Otherwise, you are teaching her to resent whatever or whoever she is competing with for your attention. I’m not telling you to throw away your phones and computers, but if you spend more quality time on your phone than you do with your wife, you are setting your marriage up for some long-term issues.
5. Do what she loves. When my wife and I were dating, she told me there were three things she couldn’t picture her life without: country music, Blackhawks hockey, and boating. At the time, I hated country music, hockey was boring to me, and boating made me sick. But, in an attempt to make her happy, I gave them all a shot.
I didn’t want her to resent our marriage because it prevented her from doing the things she loved most. Now, we rock out to country music together on road trips, and I’m a bigger Blackhawks fan than she is. I even went with her to see two games this past season, one of them being game one of the Stanley Cup Finals. We’re still working on the boating thing. I will admit, I hate it less than I used to.
But the point is this: I joined her in her passions because I knew they made her happy, and I found that I liked most of them, too. Sometimes, you just need a new perspective. Other times, you just need to sacrifice.
I pray these words will help you feel more adequately prepared as your wedding day approaches, and I hope your marriage will be all you’ve dreamed it would be!
Steven is an Actuarial Analyst who currently works at Segal Consulting in downtown Chicago. He is the husband of Amanda Beckham and a graduate of Olivet Nazarene University where he participated in varsity baseball. He is an aspiring blogger, entrepreneur, and investor who is passionate about helping people grow in their faith in Christ and uncover their purpose.