6 Elements of an Exceptional Marriage

 
The idea of an exceptional marriage is a fleeting thought for many people. To be exceptional at anything takes a different mindset and usually a different type of intentional journey compared to others. I want to encourage you to be determined and dedicated to having an exceptional marriage.
 
First, I think it is important to ponder the following statement:
A fool doesn’t know they are a fool.
People that act foolishly rarely know or willingly admit they are a fool while they are participating in the foolish behavior. It is only after time that they can look back and maybe admit they were foolish.
I am always wondering if the way I am thinking, responding, acting, working is foolish or not.
I think that people who know they can, at any time, be acting like a fool in their marriage have a shot at living in the exceptional marriage.  It is with an attitude of humility–a willingness to see and hear the truth–that your spouse and your Creator can speak into your life.
 
Let’s look at 6 elements of an exceptional marriage:
 
1. Realizing you can’t have it all
I am an average golfer.  I used to be a lot better when I was young as I used to golf several times a month.  I now golf twice a year on average. You could tell me that I could be an incredible golfer if I put the time in, which may be true, but I am not going to put the time in.
I think one of the most damaging ideas to the exceptional  marriage is that you can have it all. Couples that can have an exceptional marriage, an amazing family, and stellar careers are in the far minority. I know there are certain people who live the exception.   People may think I’m in that category as I work a full time job, a part-time youth pastor, married, have 3 kids, and in graduate school.  But, my wife and I both know our limitations. We give our best to the responsibilities and opportunities we have, but we may never be exceptional at it all.  I tell people that I am a average youth pastor and an average student right now. Something is going to suffer when juggling all the roles I have,  and I will not allow my marriage or family to take the hit.
If you are maxed out in your time and financial commitments, talk to your spouse about cutting something. When our first child came along, we chose to prioritize what we dreamed of for our family over the status of having a nicer, more impressive home.  We didn’t want to live enslaved to huge debt, and Alisa wanted to be able to stay home with the children.  Our modest 1031 square home was the perfect start to our ideal. Today I was driving my 2002 car into a parking full of Cadillac’s and Mercedes. I decided to not have it all with the car so that we could allocate more money towards family bonding experiences.
Don’t buy into the lie you can have it ALL, because for the vast majority of people it is not possible. Be free of thinking you need to have it all. Focus on the things you have determined are important and critical, and then put your time and money into those things instead of stuff.
 
2. Sacrifice with a smile
I rode the school bus for 13 years. When I was in elementary school we sat in the front of the bus and the senior high students always sat in the back of the bus. I couldn’t wait until I was in senior high so I could sit in the back. I thought it was a privilege to sit in the back. Here is a thought, why didn’t us Senior Highers allow the freshmen to sit in the best seats?
One University I know of allows the freshmen to have the best seats in the student section right behind the vistors bench so they can yell the whole time. What a great tradition they have of giving the freshmen the best seats!
What if us men were like Baylor Univerity and gave our wife the best? Men, if you want to have an exceptional marriage, you need to sacrifice for your wife often and consistently. She is your one-of-a-kind, priceless gift.
If she likes vanilla ice cream and you like chocolate, buy the vanilla.
If she likes to have coffee early in the morning, go to the coffee shop early with her.
If she needs help, ask her what she needs and exceed what she asked for.
If you usually pick out the movie, start letting her choose.
Start to sacrifice more often and you will find yourself in a exceptional marriage.
 
3.  Your sole mate
I believe it is possible to be married to your sole mate.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I did not say soul mate, but your sole mate.
One of the elements of a exceptional marriage is the singular affection and attention you give just to your wife.
The declarative statements you made on your wedding day are needed just as much today as then. Tell your wife frequently that you would chose her all over again.
Let her see by your eyes that she is the apple of your eye.
Let her know by your words that there is no one else like her.
Several years ago, you told your wife that you would be with her till death do you part. Tell her again. In fact keeping telling her that she is your sole mate and there won’t be another one in your life.
 
4. The 6th love language: Confrontation
Gary Chapman’s landmark book, The Five Love Languages, enlightened so many couples on the 5 main ways to express and receive love.
When most people hear the word confrontation, it brings feelings of negativity, not love.  But, confrontation isn’t a negative thing when it’s wrapped in gentleness or comfort.  Whether it’s correcting children, or needing to talk to a coworker or friend to address something wrong, we will all need to bring comfortation to others in our lives at some point.  Yes, comfort-ation is the word I use to help me in making sure I bring wisdom and comfort in the midst of a wrong, instead of a self-righteousness attitude.
We must have the same attitude in marriage.
If you love your spouse, one of the ways you many need to show love to them is to confront them on something they may be doing that has the potential to hurt them or those around them.  Most people run away from correction, but we must realize what the Bible says, that wounds from a friend can be trusted.  Correction helps you grow.  Receive the comfort of their love in this way.  They can be trusted.
The book of wisdom says, “Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you.” Last night my wife confronted me in a loving, comforting way.  I was sharing a prideful opinion and she brought it to my attention to make sure that I was not getting into the ditch of pride.  I loved it.
Do you lovingly confront your spouse?  Guys, does your wife do that to you?  The next time she confronts you, tell her that you love her even more because she is helping you become a better man.
 
5. Remember why you were first drawn to each other.
One of the qualities in my wife that first drew me to her was her contentment.  She could be happy, joyful, and at peace praying in a field or taking a nature walk.  I loved that simplicity.
I am quite the opposite.  I find joy, happiness, and peace doing lots of productive activities.
Do you see the potential for error in my last statement?  To me, a full schedule often equals productivity (and vice versa).  I sometimes think of simplicity and productivity as opposites.  I naturally think people who are doing lots of stuff are productive, and those who favor a simple more relaxed schedule are unproductive.  I can think that someone like my wife is being unproductive by simply enjoying nature, journalling, etc.  That is what can happen when you forget why you were first drawn to each other.
Men, remember why you were first drawn to your wife and thank God that she is that way. Don’t try to change who she is at the core. If you loved her spontaneity when you first met, realize that she will be spontaneous, and no matter what you do–she may not ever be as structured as you.
If you were drawn to her take charge attitude, don’t get irritable years later when she still wants to take the lead in certain ways.  It’s part of who she was made to be.
 
6. Dates 
If you have more dates with Monday Night Football than you do with your wife in the fall, then you have a problem.
If you have more dates with the X-Box, golf course, or the Game of Thrones, then you have a problem.
Instead, go on a weekly date so your marriage stays fresh and exceptional. There are countless ways to go on dates that cost no money or are very inexpensive.
What night/afternoon is the best time for both of you to go on a date?  Text your wife right now if you don’t have anything planned and tell her you want to take her out on ________ night.
 
Bonus Element
Another element of the exceptional marriage is to encourage your spouse to go to activities and events that make them come alive. My wife goes to a women’s conference in Dallas every year. My church also had a women’s conference this year. My initial thinking was that she choose one conference this year and not do both.
But, she wanted to do both.
I said go and do both.
Men, if you want your marriage to thrive, then encourage your spouse to attend things that make they come alive.
It is worth it.
 
If you do these elements, you will continue to have that rare exceptional marriage.
Question: What night are you taking your wife out this week?