Month: June 2014

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Physical Intimacy

4 Lies About Sex That Every Couple Must Not Believe

unable to sleep in bed because of snoring partner

Let’s be honest, one of the many reasons most people (especially those that have been abstinent) look forward to marriage is because they get to have sex “legally” as we say.
You no longer have to feel guilty about having certain feelings about your spouse, crossing boundaries you have set, and dealing with the waiting.
God created sex in marriage for a number of reasons including enjoyment, unity, procreation, and many health and emotional benefits. It is known to reduce stress, and couples who have sex often live longer.
But what if your expectations about sex become more of a burden than a blessing? Deal with these myths as soon as you can so you can enjoy the spouse God has for you.
Myth 1: Sex in Marriage is boring
Research states that when couples have good communication and are connected in interest and purpose, they enjoy a very deep and satisfying sex life. The longer you stay married the deeper the connection becomes.
There is safety in sex within the marriage bed which allows people to be more open and willing to be free with their spouse. Remember to honor each other’s bodies, and make sure not to introduce anything that would bring disrespect or dishonor to the other person, or pull you away from God.
Other than that enjoy each other! I believe God is happy when something he created for his children to enjoy in marriage is much appreciated. Love each other well.
Myth 2: You will have sex all the time:
When talking to many singles they often talk about how they can’t wait for marriage to have sex all the time.  The good news is that there are seasons you do have sex all the time.
Most couples report the first several months of marriage as heated and busy, but as they get into the routine of life it slows down. It doesn’t slow down to the point where you are not having sex, so do not worry. Most couples report having sex three to four times a week, and research states that is what most couples should shoot for.
If it’s more, then wonderful! Keep it up! If it is less look at your schedules and overall relationship and see how you can bump it up a bit.
Myth 3: Sex after children is non-existent:
Now we all know that this myth is not true because people often have children soon after their first child. However, the woman’s body does change; while some experience an increase in libido others feel a decrease.
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Couples just need to work on understanding each other’s needs physically which can be impacted from exhaustion and hormonal changes in both spouses.
Also, they must become more creative about where and when they have sex; they may need to utilize the baby’s naps and other areas in the house if the baby sleeps in their room. As mentioned before, if the over-all marriage is good, sex does not stop but is adjusted.
Myth 4: You need to know what to do right away:
The point of marriage is to become one with your spouse., Every day is about the process of becoming one and so is sex. When you spend time in intimacy with your spouse, you are unveiling a new piece about them.
Take time out to ask them about themselves—learn each other. Couples that have been married more than ten years report that they are still learning about their spouse. Remember you are an individual and so is your spouse, so as you mature and get older so will your desires.
You have plenty of time to learn your mate, you do not need to know everything on the wedding night.
Older married folks have said “sex is like wine, it gets better with time.” Make time for each other. Every season adjust, relearn each other, and allow God to get the glory out of your love for one another and your marriage.
Great sex doesn’t start in the bedroom, it starts outside of the bedroom with making it a priority.
We have the perfect opportunity for you to make your sex life a priority. We are having a FLASH SALE this weekend only on one of our TOP tools to help you have the best sex life now!
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Parenting

True Meaning of Daddy's Girl

For the past 10 months I have had the pleasure and privilege of staring at the most beautiful child on the planet. Ok, so I am a bit biased because she is both my first and only daughter at this point, and she is freaking adorable.
I say “staring” because literally thats 90% of what I do when I am with her. I mean she can’t do much on her own yet besides wiggle around a bit, so I pick her up and simply find myself forgetting about all else in the world and just gaze at her chubby cheeks just hoping that something I do will somehow earn me one of her heart melting smiles.
I am constantly amazed at how God was willing to entrust such a treasure to me. I can remember a point in my life when I couldn’t even hold a job for more than 3 months…much less raise another human being. That’s the grace of God for you. 
As I rack up the hours spent taking in all that my daughter is, I hear over and over again God telling me one important thing to focus on in my relationship with her as her father. For some reason this one thing, out of all the other pearls of wisdom that He could share with me, keeps coming to the surface when I look at her…
“She should always be able to trust you with her feelings.”
She is to be gentle, but she is to be fierce. She will grow in the way that you lead her. But above all things, when the trials come, the doubt sets in, and things fall apart, whether it was her fault or not…
As her father, you should be the one she runs to, and not from…without any hesitation.

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Whatever the circumstance or consequence, she must know without a doubt that her heart can be entrusted to you, and she will find empowerment, not judgement in your eyes. That you hold her feelings in the highest regard no matter how silly or strange they seem. Your mission is to see that second only to God, the way you see her is the safest, most empowering place she could place herself in.
There will be a time when she will make her way into the world and another man will take that place in her life, and she will know that man by the qualities that you have shown and proven acceptable. When she looks for him, she will be looking for you…so give her something worth searching for.
So I challenge this to all Fathers out there, whether it is your daughter or a son, it still applies. God has entrusted you with a mighty treasure, and He did not consider the level of your worthiness when He did it. Be the example of grace and power that God has been to you and be a force in the fight to bring the world from a father-less to a father-led generation.

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Marriage Physical Intimacy

4 Ways to Get Your Marriage From Roommates to Romance

After being married for nearly 4 years you realize that there are many seasons you go through as a married couple. Times of busyness, times of stress, times of joy, times of sorrow and so much more. However, there comes a time when the mundane things of life begin to take over.

You go about your business and your spouse goes about theirs. Whether it’s work, school, ministry or kids, sometimes life takes over and your priorities get all mixed up. The flame that once sparked romantic nights and long walks, has dimmed to a mere flicker, if anything at all.

You now see that person you said “to love and to hold” as just someone who helps pay rent or keep the house clean. Sure you would never say that, but maybe you’ve just learned how to be really good roommates.

My husband and I found ourselves in that place a little while back. We managed our household really well. We didn’t fight, but we didn’t talk either. We distracted ourselves with very important things. And not before long, we had just became really good roommates.
We came to a point when we realized we didn’t just want to survive, we wanted our marriage to thrive. So here is what we did to reignite the flame of love and romance.
Here are 4 ways to get your marriage from roommates to romance!

1. Communicate about the things that matter:

Sometimes our “How was your day?” and   “It was good,” become our only form of communication in passing. We decided that everyday we would ask each other one meaningful question and we had to spend at least 15 minutes of undistracted time answering it. That meant, no kids, no cell phone, no tv, just undivided attention. The question doesn’t always have to be deep, but more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. Here’s a few to help you get started:

 

– “What can I do to make you feel appreciated?”

– “How did you see God in me today (or week)?”

– “What’s your ideal date night?”

 

2. Resolve to give 100%:

Too many times when we get in these ruts it’s hard to just jump back into it fully. You’ve built defenses or coping mechanisms to avoid deep intimacy or disappointment. But in order for you to get your marriage to thrive, both spouses must resolve to give 100%.

This means if there is any hurt from the lack of love, you can’t use that as an excuse  to not work on your marriage. Both of you must agree to start with a clean slate and begin to rebuild your marriage. If 100% of your focus isn’t on  your marriage, guaranteed its on something else. Find what your distractions are and move the priority back to your marriage.

 

3. Date night is a priority:

It’s easy to let this one slip, especially if you have children. Sometimes getting the kids a sitter and getting out the door just seems like too much work. But it’s so important to be connecting and spending quality time with your spouse on a regular basis. Even if it’s once every two weeks. Make this time as romantic as possible (*wink*wink* husbands, women want to be wooed). DO NOT skip out on this! If you don’t have the finances come up with creative inexpensive dates, it’s totally possible.

 

4.Have sex regularly:

Yep I said it! Connecting physically deepens your level of intimacy and connections in all levels. If you haven’t had time to connect physically that will put a strain on your marriage. This means if you live busy lives you might have to schedule it. And stick to that schedule whether you feel like it or not. The more you make it a priority the more you begin to look forward to that special time with your spouse.

 

I didn’t add pray together just because I am assuming you are already doing that, but if you’re not that needs to be added to the list too. These steps are obviously not all you can do, but they are a good start to getting your marriage from roommates to romance. Because marriage is suppose to be fun and exciting! Let’s show the world how it’s done!

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Whose Job is it to Change the Diaper?: Gender Roles In the Home Today

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In God's Timing: How God Revealed My Husband to Me

One of the life lessons I keep discovering is: There is a time and place for everything, but only in Gods timing.
 
This has held true from the very beginning of my relationship with my husband. Before we got married we were friends. Before we were friends we were just acquaintances. And before that we were just another face in the crowd unaware of the others existence. But, through every stage there was a time and place for each season of our relationship coming into existence.
 
My husband and I met at Church, but when I first started attending I had just turned 20 years old and he was just about to turn 17. At that point he was just the drummer in the worship band I thought was cute, but thankfully I understood the time and place God was calling me to. I was brand new to my faith and boys were definitely not at the top of my priorities. I accepted that God was calling me to focus on my relationship with Him and not pursue other relationships at that time.
 
As the year went on I had some of the most amazing moments in my life. I was so thankful for where God had placed me. I was single and I was discovering who I was in Christ. It was a great season of my life. It seemed soon enough I was turning 21 and that cute drummer was still 17! Shortly after turning 21, Derek (my now husband) finally turned 18. I no longer felt awkward having a crush on a younger guy and I knew God was changing the season I was in.
 
Throughout the year before Derek turned 18 I had not said one word to him. My main focus was on God, but I couldn’t help but notice Derek when he was around. It felt a little weird knowing he wasn’t even 18 yet, so really the thought of dating him was not even in question. Now, not to mention he was legally still a minor and I was almost old enough to drink.
 
Where am I going with this? It is important to accept the timing of God’s plans. Notice, I said accept and not understand. I had a crush on a younger guy but I accepted it was not the time and place for a relationship with him. God had other plans in mind before a relationship with Derek and I could happen.
Once Derek turned 18 things began to change. I remembered back on prayers I had with God that previous year and knew Derek was going to be the one. Whether I “knew” or was just strongly hoping, I don’t know, but I felt confirmation that Derek was going to be my husband.
The funny thing is, Derek was having similar thoughts but I had no idea because we never talked! The next year led us into a time of friendship. He joined the young adult bible study and we were easily always around each other. Our attraction seemed pretty evident but we still were not in a place to be more than friends. It took a whole year of friendship to really allow God to do other things in our life. Again, I had to accept God’s timing in my life and allow Him to work.
 
It was a fun time for us, but certainly not easy. We had our own times of trial seeming to test the depth of our friendship. None the less, God moved us into another season that ultimately led us down the path of dating and marriage.
 
I love our love story, and this is the short version, but one thing remained true the whole time. There was always a time and place for everything. I rarely understood God’s timing, but accepted and trusted He knew what was best.
 
My thoughts and prayers for you:
If you are single, don’t get so caught up on “trusting God for the one”, but instead accept God has a perfect time and place for all things in your life. It is so easy to become distracted with the prayers of trusting God for your future spouse (which are important) but don’t allow them to become the core of your relationship with God.
Instead, I encourage you to embrace your alone time with God. It is such a special time in your life when God is revealing your future to you. Walk with Him as He leads you in and out of each new season, and rejoice in His perfect timing for your life.
 
If you are married, then I hope this story can give you a small insight to how God has a perfect time and place for everything. It is easy to get so eager and caught up in life with our spouse that we dismiss what God is doing in the current moment. I found myself thinking back on this time of my life because I needed encouragement.
I needed to be reminded to accept God’s timing in my life instead of trying to push the clock forward. God has always led me in and out of every season at just the right time, and not a moment sooner. No matter what stage your marriage is in accept and trust that God has you there for a reason.
 
God has an amazing journey for us. Remember to Live. Love. Learn. along the way!
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage

Top Reason Why Young Marriages Fail

And they lived happily ever after…. We all know how the Disney fairytales go. Boy falls in love with girl. He does what it takes to win her. She falls madly in love with him, and then they live happily ever after.
From a young age, we are programmed to believe that once we fall in love and get married we will live happily ever after, and this could very well be true, but we go into marriage thinking our “happily ever after” will come that easy.
We don’t realize that marriage is more than a beautiful wedding and a gorgeous ring. We don’t realize that marriage takes WORK. We don’t realize that the happily ever after doesn’t just happen. We must create it.
A successful marriage is composed of two people making an effort to make their marriage work. I think many marriages fail because we go into marriage naïve and think that it will be easy and when the first sign of adversity happens we just let it go. Our culture has programmed us to just throw in the towel when something gets hard, and I believe this is why the divorce rate is so high.
On top of that, society tells us that the younger we are when we get married, the harder the marriage will be and the possibility of divorce is higher.

In my life I’ve found that being married and young isn’t the issue, being married and young-minded is.

A young-minded person goes into marriage with a selfish, “it’s all about me” mindset. A young-minded person runs from dealing with tough issues and gives up when things are hard or when things don’t go his/her way. There are adults 40+ years old who have a younger mindset than that of a 25 year old.
I don’t think age is the reason why divorces happen or the reason why a marriage would be easier or harder. Maturity, will, determination, and a mindset that truly believes in “’til death do us part” determines whether a marriage will be successful or not.
Divorce is easy. Marriage is hard. Being married takes two strong people who make a vow to each other that no matter how hard it gets they will be there right by each other’s side.
So when things get hard in your marriage challenge yourself to remember the vow you made to each other on your wedding day. You didn’t get married just to get divorced.
If you are single and want to be married one day, think about your mindset now. Are you selfish? Do you hold grudges? If so, challenge yourself to change. Trust me, it can be done. I was once a very selfish person, but with Christ, I was able to change. You can too!

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Dating/Courting Marriage

These Folks Ain't Loyal: The Truth about Cheating

It seems like I’ve talked more about relationships in the past 2 months than I have in my entire life. And what is everyone searching for?…Loyalty.
Something everybody wants, but none of us have absolutely mastered. I believe most of us desire to be loved by someone who can love us the same way that we love them. As a matter of fact, one of the worst feelings in the world is when you realize that someone doesn’t share the same desire for you, as you do for them.
But what I find the most interesting about all of this, is that oftentimes we don’t live up to our own expectations. We’re flaky and inconsistent when it comes to our commitments, our work and our relationships.
God has been dealing with me recently on the level of “Personal Responsibility”. It’s so easy to point the finger at the other person when you breakup because “they cheated”, But did you realize that the
Top 3 desires to “CHEAT” stem from:
1. A desire to feel “special”
2. Feelings of neglect or being taken for granted
3. Dissatisfaction with his/her partner
Now I’m not in any way condoning cheating or infidelity, but I am saying that we must take an account of our “Personal Responsibility” as it relates to CAUSE and EFFECT. If you get fired from your job and it’s your 5th job this year, it may not be the boss or your mean coworker.
It just may be you. Yes, it could be that she’s a nagger and has trust issues…OR it could be that you keep doing stupid things and your Facebook/Instagram friends are suspect.
Ultimately what I’m getting at, is that in order for us to properly qualify ourselves for what we desire in our relationships, we must first make sure that we embody those things ourselves. (See Romans 2:21-23)
Scripture also tells us in Proverbs 18:22 that, “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing…” and then goes on into Proverbs 31 to tell men exactly what that wife looks like!
Oh wait, let me guess….you thought Proverbs 31 was for the WOMEN?! No sir! Proverbs 31 is the advice to King Lemuel from HIS MOTHER on what a Wife of Noble Character looks like.
In other words, King Lemuel’s mother was advising him on the type of traits that a good wife should have, not just so that he could find a good wife, but so that he could prepare himself to be the right husband to that kind of wife!
Proverbs 31:28, “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” 
– Verse 30-31, “30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be  praised. 31 Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates.”
The last instruction from King Lemuel’s mother was on how to properly honor his wife. And I can’t help but think that her wisdom knew the things that we are still talking about today.
Loyalty starts with GOD and continues through YOU…and if you want to receive anything in a relationship, you should make sure that you are already lavishly giving those things out of Love.
This is how our Father chooses to Love us! He never waits on us to make the first move, but always pours himself out before us so that we may Behold his lovingkindness. At the end of the day, even our Best is as ‘filthy rags’ in comparison to God; and His Loyalty surpasses all of my personal efforts, (seeEph.3:14-19 & Hebrews 13:5)  yet I still do my best to give Him what He is deserving of. He is Forever Worthy…

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Marriage Physical Intimacy

How Much Sex Should We Be Having?

What do you do when intimate moments of having sex with your spouse becomes few and far between? When your spouse no longer desires you at the level and/or frequency they once did. When your sex life becomes scarce, mundane, predictable and ultimately unappealing – leaving you upset and frustrated.
What happens when you fall into the sexless marriage?
Before I go any further, let’s uncover what constitutes as a sexless marriage. Statistically, the average healthy couple has sex 2-3 times a week; a small percentage of married couples even have sex 4 or more times a week. However, there is a group of couples that don’t fall into either category, having sex only a few times a month.
But wait…there’s more.
Lower on the totem pole are those couples who only have sex 1 time a month or less; a marriage is considered “sexless” if the couple only engages in sex at this level (approx. 10-12 times a year or less.) At this rate, sex is merely an obligation, rather than an enjoyable bond between two beings.
Now, I am not huge on comparisons. I believe that the healthiness of your personal sex life should be measured based on the love, happiness and peace within your own marriage. These numbers given are simply statistical averages.
Regardless, these numbers are real and so are the people experiencing the sexless marriage. I am going to take a moment to be open, honest and transparent with you. If you are in this predicament, whatever the case, there is hope…there is always hope.
Here is my #1 tip to turn around a sexless marriage

Get your Priorities Straight

Before you click away thinking I am going to give a bunch of cliche answers to why your sex life isn’t where you want it to be, hear me out on this one.
Your values and priorities are very apparent to the one you spend your life with – I mean c’mon, they see you EVERY DAY.
There are times when my wife has wanted to spend time with me, but I am busy working, on the internet, or talking on the phone. On the other hand, there are times when I want to spend time with her and she is watching TV, cleaning, or on social media. This can be problematic and display the lack of value that you hold for your spouse.
We all deal with these idols and distractions on some level – yes, I said idols, but there has to be a clear balance or that is what they actually become. One of the professors from my college always explained it like this:

We can measure our values based on time. What ever you spend the most timedoing is the dearest to your heart. (i.e. “higher priority,” “more important” or even “idolized”)

So, if your spouse openly communicates that they want to talk, cuddle, take a walk, go on a date, be in the same room or even have sex, it is your job to be aware of that. But you need to do more than just that – you NEED to clearly communicate with them and take action to engage activity with them.
If you blow them off, and then spend time on your own agenda (day after day, week after week) you are sending strong messages that you:

  1. Aren’t interested
  2. Don’t really care
  3. Value many other things before your spouse

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I have talked with many men who try to engage intimacy with their wives, but are completely ignored, or blown off for the extensive list of priorities/chores, kids, work, etc. Yet their wives still find hours of time for their own pleasures. I am sure the same case happens the other way around as well (but I don’t talk to women about it…lol)
But, there also has to be grace.
Sometimes we communicate with our spouses and it is just brushed under the rug accidentally. If you are willing to communicate your desires, and they are still ignored (which happens often in marriages) you still have to find balance in your communication and not let that resonate in your mind.
I wrote recently about mentoring, and I am a firm believer that this works for marriages as well.
Many refer to this as counseling, but the word counsel implies that something needshelp or fixed. That’s fine, but I prefer the word mentor because I don’t believe you should wait for the hard times to seek help – if you value and love your spouse, which we all do (or have at some point) then we should be consistently taking steps to better serve the other and express our love in a manner that speaks their ‘love language.’
We can do this through having a mentor (being spoken into) and mentoring others (speaking into.)

Challenge Your Marriage

Check this out – so, I read about a couple online that had completed a 365 day sex challenge. YEAAA BUDDY, you heard me right. 365 days of pure, intimate, hot & steamy sex. Ok, I don’t know if it was all of those descriptive words, but still!!
365 DAYS OF SEX!!!! WHAT?!
This couple had been married for several years and hit a rough patch when they decided to complete this challenge. After the challenge, they wrote a book and one of the comments that the couple made (besides the fact that their life’s dramatically changed for the better inside and outside of their home) was this:

“There is a special sense of being desired that only comes from sex.”

Oh, and it is so true. I don’t know about you, but when I have sex with my wife, my whole world turns upside down. Afterwards I feel like conquering the world, being a great husband, dad, and doing awesome at work.
So, I am not saying go have sex with your spouse 365 times and that will fix your problems – but I am saying to go show them that you VALUE them, LOVE them and DESIRE them.
If you are being with held from intimacy, be patient, understanding and show grace. If you are the one not engaging in intimacy, drop the things you ‘think’ are your priorities, and spend time with that person you call the love of your life…your spouse.
This weekend we have a SPECIAL FLASH SALE! Click below for more information.
 
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Men, This is the Type of Woman You Should Pursue

Proverbs 31:10 (ESV) says, “An excellent (or a virtuous) wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.”
This word virtuous comes from the Hebrew word chayil, which means strength or power. However, it is not referring to physical strength, or to a woman who is very strong-willed.
No, the writer here is describing to us a woman who is of strong character, morals, and values. A woman of strong principles, who lives in modesty, and with dignity. A woman who exhibits a strong mentality.
Notice that the verse asks who can find this woman? Do you know what that says to me? Gentlemen, if we want to find a woman like the one being described in this passage, we can’t do it within our own abilities – meaning that no amount of charm, good looks, or even muscles will ever draw her out.
A man can try everything in his arsenal to find this woman, but it just won’t work. Why? Because she is not a normal woman!
This woman is virtuous. She is rare. She is so rare, that she is more valuable than a treasure chest full of gold. In fact, there is only one woman in the entire Bible directly referred to as a virtuous woman. Her name was Ruth.
This type of woman can only be revealed by God, and He will only do this when it is the right time. She is hidden by the Father, because He loves her, and He wants a great man for her.
We need to remember this, as well, that God will never give us something so valuable unless He knows that we are ready for it, ready to be a good steward over this great gift.
So men, if you have not found your helpmate yet, remember that it’s possible that she is right under your nose. It is possible that God has not revealed her yet, because you’re not ready.
Don’t give up and settle for less, or for the first woman who will give you some attention. Chances are, she is not the virtuous woman you need.
Trust that God will lead you to her when the time is right. Until then, make the most of your time, and prepare yourself to be a good steward. Pray that God will open your eyes to see her when the time is right!

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Am I Really Ready for that Relationship?