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Husbands: 4 Ways to Know if Your Marriage is a Clunker

Author: Heath Stoner

I love clunker cars.
My first clunker car was a 1984 Chevy Chevette.  It lasted me a whopping 4 months.  It had an oil leak and I didn’t catch it until the engine seized up.
My second clunker was my 1986 Mazda GLC.  I always thought the GLC stood for Great Looking Car.  That car took me through college.  It was so legendary that it took on the name of the Red Baron.  That car would not run when it rained and always smelled like a gas station bathroom.
The next clunker I had was a 1994 Honda Accord.  I called it the White Legend.  That car had so many problems with it–some my own doing.  One year I went on a mission trip overseas and left a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper in the front seat in the summer heat of Texas.  They exploded.  When I returned, I opened the White Legend to find my headliner spotted with harden splotches of Dr. Pepper.
I now own a 2004 Honda Accord.  It’s a bona fide clunker.  Its nickname is the Silver Bullet.  The headliner is shot, the head gasket needs replaced, and the driver side window won’t go down.  Every time I open the trunk door, a steady stream of water flows into the bottom of my trunk.  Somehow rain gets into a space in the top of the trunk and drains when I open it.
So, here are 4 ways you can know if your marriage is like a clunker

  1. You treat your wife like a clunker(of course the roles can be reversed in this analogy)

A wise man once told me that women are like a beautiful rose.  They are colorful, dazzling, have a great aroma, and are captivating.  Men are like the dirt.  Very few people ever look at the dirt and say, “Wow, that dirt is incredible.  I bet it has all kind of nutrients that help the rose glow the way it does.”
Men, do you purposefully, care for your wife by leading in the ways that she needs you to?  When you have a clunker car, you usually don’t care if the paint is chipping or the floors need swept.  You don’t go out of your way for it.  Do you treat your wife the same way?  Does she need your care and attention?  Does she need your practical service—maybe to clean the floors or the toilets tonight?  If so, do it.  And do it without expecting anything in return.

  1. You speak to your wife like a clunker

My clunker names included the Red Baron, Silver, Bullet, & White Legend.  I say those names tongue in cheek.  I gave those names because I really don’t have much respect for those cars.
Do you esteem your wife by still calling her the bride of your youth?  Or do you rehash her weaknesses and faults?  Do you tell her that there is no one like her?  Or do you sarcastically make her the brunt of jokes?   Do you call her beautiful, gorgeous, mesmerizing, your virtuous wife, and so on.  Your wife is like your dream car so tell her often how you feel about her.  Like right now in a text, call, or message.  Do it.

  1. You hit your wife

When someone has a clunker and it stalls or doesn’t start they can hit the steering wheel or kick the tire in frustration.  Your wife is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to you.  If she annoys, irritates, talks too much, doesn’t talk to much, etc. don’t ever, ever hit her or even pretend to infer that.  If you have physically abused her, you need to go get help.  She is a gift to you.  Treat her like that and you will be surprised to see how she will respond to you.

  1. You don’t listen to your wife

A clunker makes noises.  The problem is that most owners don’t ever look for the hints in those noises.  They justify those noises by thinking, “I have a clunker so of course they make unusual noises.”
All noises are hints.
Your wife is leaving you hints all the time.
It could be in a look.
In a question.
In a challenge.
In a suggestion.
You see, most clunkers have owner manuals.  It is located in the glove compartment.
Your wife also has an owner manual.  That manual is opened up when you sit on the couch with her or across the table and ask her questions.  Keep asking and she will open up the depths of who she is. The Bible says we are supposed to live in an understanding way with our wives. It is possible to do this as God empowers us.
Let’s make it our ambition to make sure we treat our wife like the Rose she is and reject treating her like a clunker.
Question:  Which of the 4 ways stuck out to you?  What other ways could guys treat their marriage like a clunker?  Please comment below.
 
 

Heath Stoner is the founder of Trailer Club where he inspires men to be the greatest sons, husbands, fathers, and leaders in their generation.    He has been married to his wife for 16 yrs and is the proud father to Zach (12), Sierra (10), & Savanah (9).  He has degrees from Oral Roberts University and Liberty University.  He has been a Youth Pastor for 11 years and was an Executive Leader for one of the largest youth ministries in America for 15 years.  Heath’s passion is that every man needs to be a student of wisdom and be able to live out the declaration, “What one man can do, another man can do.” www.trailerclub.org

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Adding Zest to Your Marriage: Husband Style Series

Marriage is unto God. In fact the family, headed by marriage, is the first institution that God created. Through marriage and family we can change the world for the benefit of the Kingdom of God. Marriage, in particular, is one way that we can change the flavor of the world to be palatable to The Lord.
The question is, how can we keep our marriages flavorful? Christ called us salt of the Earth (Matt. 5:13). One way that we are salt is through the example that we set through marriage. Yet we are human and we can have our “days”. Our marriages may need a boost at times. Though our unions are salt, they too can lose their zest. We have to figure out how to become salty again, as Christ said (Matt. 5:13). I want to take the next few posts to discuss ways that we can remain or regain our saltiness in our marriages.
Men, one way that I’ve found that we can put a little zest and savor back in our marriage is in our personal style. Too often we are said to be indifferent about our appearance. This is not to say that we want to look messy or disheveled, but we, as men, have a tendency to be plain or just regular. It is true, as a generalization, that men or more visually motivated but women want something nice to look at too. Here are a few tips to spruce up your appearance.
Suits and business wear: Men, a great fitting suit not only makes you feel powerful, but will emit an impressive vibe to your spouse. Consult the salesperson at your local suit store so you can get the right fit for your body type, the correct measurements, and right pairing of shirt/tie/pocket square combinations. Suits are all about the fit and the salesperson is there to guide you to the correct fit while maintaining your comfort level.
Casual clothes: Guys, casual clothes should not be the only thing that you wear. T-shirts and your favorite pair of jeans shouldn’t be your uniform. Make sure you change it up at times. Vary your look with different colors, cuts, and patterns. Your wife will appreciate the diversity and effort.
Underclothes: Believe it or not your wife will really appreciate, and possibly find it sexy, if you take time in selecting your underclothes. NO MORE TIGHTY WHITIES! Get rid of them! Boxers and/or boxer briefs with matching tank tops is the way to go.  Oh, and throw away the socks and underclothes that are dingy, have holes, and are stretched out. Plumber crack isn’t a good look. Trust me guys, she’s looking…so give her a show!!
Shoes: Every man should own AT LEAST a pair of white sneakers; a pair of brown dress shoes and black dress shoes; and a pair of brown boots and black boots. These are the basics of a sound footwear collection. When they get scuffed, shine them. When they get dirty, clean them. When they can’t be cleaned anymore, get rid of them and purchase some more. Shoes will literally make or break your outfit. NOONE knows this more than your wife. Just look in her closet…
If you’re not fashion savvy, consult your wife before and during this process to see what she likes and if she would even want you to change anything. I don’t want you to make sudden changes that will catch her off guard. Involving her in this process will be fun for her and make for some good shopping and lunch dates. Guys be sure to remain patient and ladies listen to his input!
I know that this may seem like it’s too much or not masculine, but it’s actually the contrary. Consider this men; you cannot require your wife to look like what you don’t! You can’t want her to look amazing and sexy, and you’re not putting forth the same effort to be just as amazing and sexy.
As a married man you represent your wife. So in your appearance, represent her in the best way possible!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Who Comes First in your Marriage: Spouse or Parents?

From the desk of The Modern Day Cindi: Let’s talk about roles in the marriage. Not just the typical husband and wife role, but the roles of those around the marriage; more specifically, the roles of parents. Now, this a touchy subject…one I dare speak to so I will be treading lightly. So, who comes first in the marriage? Or more directly stated, “Who is priority, your spouse or your parent?”
This can be a tough question for some to answer. It is likened to the question: “what comes first, the chicken or the egg?”  Both are equally important, so trying to prioritize and rank their significance can become overwhelming when the importance of the roles are evident in different stages of life.
I remember when I first met my husband, I immediately knew we came from two different worlds with two different philosophies. My parents were both born in NYC, were world travelers, and both very educated, but when it came to their little girl, they encouraged me to do the same-be adventurous, a risk taker and see the world. Consequently, as I evolved into a young woman I was very independent.
I remember when I went to college, my mom was like “go off as far as you like, as long as planes fly, we can send for you if needed.” And my dad’s philosophy was “no news is good news.” So I rarely checked in daily to just say I’m okay; my weekly check-ins were good enough for them. Both of my parents said they knew they raised me well, I was very responsible, and I knew how to handle myself so they had no worries.
My husband story is a little different. Both of his parents were from Memphis and like mine, very educated; however, he was primarily raised by his mom as her only child. So although he too was very adventurous and smart, my husband was not nearly as independent as I was.
He told me when we got married that I had opened his perspective up to a whole new world.  He and his mom’s relationship was more like best friends when I came into his life, he spoke to her almost every day, if they didn’t speak, they texted and engaged in a style of communication that I did not have with my parents, but it was all love none the same.
As we began moving toward marriage, I started sharing some of our differences with my husband and what we realized is that we both would have to do some adjusting in order to balance the expectations of our parents.  He would have to slowly start cutting back the frequency and time of his check-in with his parents, and out of love for my husband, I would have to start being more intentional in spending time with my family.
What we learned from the experience was that WE set the tone of how we wanted the people in our life to treat and respect us as a married unit, not as son or daughter.  We also learned that we needed to prioritize the health of the marriage above the heath of individual agendas…what that meant was we could not allow loyalties to sour our love for one another, and we also could not let guilt  keep us from effectively merging the two into one. (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:8)
So, it really should not be a question of who comes first spouse or parent, because if you choose to view the marriage as a merger of people, not just assets, then it should not be if “he”, “she”, or “me” comes first. It is if “we” comes first. If you choose “we” over “me” Then start developing the mutual agreement of: Who do we need? What do we need? How do we balance? And, how can we make this work? …then the rest will naturally follow.

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Marriage

6 Ways to a Greater Marriage in 2015

2015 is just around the corner. 2014 was great, but now its time to begin to plan for an even greater marriage in 2015. Your marriage deserves some fresh new things that can breathe life into it. This is a list of ways you can breathe life into your marriage in 2015.

  1. Go on a Vacation

Your marriage will benefit greatly from some time away from your normal routine. Your family needs this, and they deserve it. It doesn’t have to be an expensive vacation. Even a weekend 100 miles away in a new environment can breathe life into your marriage.
2. Get an Emergency Fund
As every wise person says, expect the best, but plan for the worst. You never know when something can happen that requires immediate cash to fix or take care of. This can be everything from you’re a house or car repair, to an unexpected high bill. By having an set aside savings for emergencies then you wont have to go into debt to cover the expense.
3. Have Daily Devotional Time
There are two things that are vitally important to the health of your marriage and that is time together, and time together with God. By setting aside time each day to go through a daily devotion you are doing what the bible instructs in Ephesians 5:25, For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.
4. A Date Night Box
This is an idea that many marriages have been blessed by for their weekly date nights. Many couples struggle with what should we do tonight. Instead of wasting time thinking about what to do, you can take one day to plan out different ideas for date nights then put them into a box. When it comes time for date night, draw from the box and that is what you will do that night.
5. New Hobby to do together
Having fun with your spouse is never time wasted. This may take some time of exploration if you and your spouse haven’t figured out something you both enjoy doing together. My wife and I really enjoy going to estate sales and finding a good deal. She enjoys the shopping part, and I enjoy the good deal part. We have fun, meet new people, and save money all in a few hours. Its awesome. What is a new hobby you and your spouse could do together in 2015?
6. Have dinner as a family
One of the many issues our generation is facing with the rise of social media and online platforms is connecting with those closest to us in real time. By establishing at least 2-3 nights a week as family dinner time requiring cell phones to be turned off can transform every relationship in your home.

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Engaged Marriage Parenting

3 Biblical Earmarks of a Good Wife

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. (Proverbs 21:19 NIV)

I always had a bit of a problem with the phrase, “Happy wife, happy life.” It made me feel as if I could disrupt an entire place of solitude if I was unhappy. That my husband would forever have to walk on eggshells to ensure a peaceful home. Because heaven forbid I get upset; I would make life miserable for everyone in our household. Those are the thoughts I would get anytime I heard this phrase. It made me mad and yet confused. Is it true that the entire well being and happiness of my house depends on me? That if I get mad or upset everyone is doomed to suffer?

Well I decided to look at what God says… So I stumble across the verse above Proverbs 21:19. By the way, this isn’t the only verse like that. In Proverbs there are a few verses that state it’s better to live on the rooftop then share a house with a quarrelsome wife. I guess that is the equivalent to sleeping on the couch back in the day. Wow! So even the Bible warns about an unhappy nagging wife. But what does that mean for me? Am I never to have bad days or never argue my point?

WRONG! There’s only a handful of verses on the nagging wife part, however there’s a whole lot more on what a good wife is. And although many of us have looked at the Proverbs 31 woman as daunting and unrealistic, there is some great concepts on what a good wife is. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

1. What she says is worthwhile and kindness is on her tongue. The key here is: Think about what you are going to say. Your words have impact and can bring life or death. Even if you are correcting your children or husband, watch your words. Notice it says the “law” of kindness. The Greek word for law here is Tworah meaning direction or instruction. She gives direction and instruction through kindness. Whether that means you have to take a breather to calm down from the situation or you have to speak softer without harsh words. You can give instruction and correction without belittling or tearing down.

2. She brings him good not harm all the days of her life. This goes hand in hand with the previous point. Your husband is counting on you to be a blessing to him. “But you don’t understand how he frustrates me!” Okay, maybe he does things that bug you or maybe there is a lack of things he doesn’t do. Whatever it may be, speak to the man who you want him to become. Treat him as though he is everything you could ever want in a husband. Do it even when he doesn’t deserve it. Because chances are, he gets frustrated with you too. Give grace and uplift him. Before you know it, the man you treat him as won’t be able to hide anymore. If you see the gold in him he will begin to believe it. If you say and treat him as the best husband in the world, he will begin to see himself like that. Do the same with your kids. See the gold in them and bring it out. 

3. And last, she laughs at the days to come. This indicates to me that all of her days are not easy. Yet she doesn’t let the circumstances determine her joy. She is filled with joy in all situations. Noticed I said joy, happiness can be circumstantial, but joy is a way of being. It is choosing to stay joyful even in frustrating or difficult situations. Sure there may be days that you cry, days that you shout, but at the end of it all you know that your joy runs deep. It runs deep with roots into the everlasting joy of knowing that you are a daughter of an incredible Father who loves you.

I think for me the saying “Happy wife, happy life” is totally true. However, I don’t depend on my husband or children to determine my happiness. I choose to stay joyful and happy in all things. Do I have my bad days, sure, we all do. But I know that my state of happiness is dependent on MY CHOICE to stay joyful. And yes I am a happy wife, therefore I choose to bring life to everyone around me. Be a Happy Wife, Bring Life. 

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An Open Letter to the Dad Looking at Porn

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How to Deal with Prophecy and Dreams Regarding your Future Spouse

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Marriage

Obedience Brings the Blessing

Has God ever given you a word or told you to do something that seemed so crazy that you were afraid to tell your spouse? After a fight with my supervisor, God told me to leave my job. How could I face my family if I leave my secure position, my health insurance and my pay check? It just didn’t make any sense. I was convinced that it was my subconscious but God sent me signs. He even had strangers talk to me! They all brought me the same word: “God is ready to elevate you; you need to do whatever He is telling you to do.” I finally decided to tell him. I was afraid of his reaction but he simply said, “I’ll support any decision that you make.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Here’s what I learned:

  • Your blessing is intertwined with your spouse’s.

“26 See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse— 27 the blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today…” Deuteronomy 11:26-27
If your spouse receives a word from God, don’t discourage him/her from listening. God will never tell your spouse to do something without already making preparations for you and your family. Your spouse will never make a decision that will purposely hurt your family. He/she is just as thoughtful and scared as you are but their obedience as well as your obedience (by supporting your spouse) will bring a blessing.
If you receive a word, trust your spouse enough to talk to him/her. Even if you don’t receive the response that you want, God will create an opportunity for your spouse to be in-sync with you. Whenever my husband’s faith in my decision wavered, I asked him to pray for me but it was really for him. I needed him to be on-board with God’s word.

  • Fighting God will only lead to destruction.

“…28the curse if you disobey the commands of the Lord your God and turn from the way that I command you today…” Deuteronomy 11:28
As obedience brings a blessing likewise disobedience brings a curse. Not all Christians can identify the voice of God. If you are reverenced enough to do so and refuse to listen not only will you forfeit your blessing, you bring a curse on both you and your family. When I heard from God, I should have listened immediately. While I was questioning His authority over my life, my job became increasingly unsafe for me physically, mentally, and spiritually. My husband was also struggling with his job at the same time. He was being lied on and almost lost his position. We could not understand why this was happening to the two of us. It wasn’t until I decided that I will leave, that my husband was released from the bondage of his job. At the time, I didn’t actually leave yet but I let my job know that I would be leaving at the end of the year. I was partially listening…I tried to appease God and myself but, of course, I can’t outsmart God! I became an angry person who was unable to do her job. God used my coworker to reveal to me what I was doing wrong. I’ll never forget what she said “You are hindering your husband’s blessing.” I fell a part. That Sunday, I received my breakthrough at church and I haven’t been back to my job since. Opportunities and ideas have opened up for us that I know would not have if I continued to ignore God.
Obedience to God means having faith in Him and sometimes faith in your spouse. Trust him/her enough to talk about the direction that God is leading you in. Don’t be afraid to allow God to take control of your life because it will lead to greater opportunities for you and your family.

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5 Ways to Enjoy Singleness

Why is it that young Christians look at “singleness” as a bad thing? It’s a long lonely period when we pray that God sends us the one we’ve been begging for. For many, there’s nothing more to life but work/school, church and home. Some are afraid of enjoying singleness due to fear of sinning, while others may be afraid of falling into temptation once more; but who wants to live a boring life until they get married? Here are a few ways to experience the “Turn Up” and remain in the will of God.
1. Hang out- During singleness, it’s important that you surround yourself with like-minded individuals and HANG OUT! Hanging out doesn’t mean going to clubs, drinking, and smoking; but going to the show, throwing/hosting parties, bowling, skating, visiting a close state, going downtown and the list goes on! HAVE FUN! Enjoy the world that God has created; but choose wisely with whom and where you hang!
2. Date yourself- In the courting and marriage stage, it becomes a little difficult to enjoy “ME” time. During your singleness is the perfect opportunity to “date yourself”. Dating yourself allows you to learn more about you. What type of movies do you like, what are your favorite activates, identify your pet peeves, what are your goal? Learning about yourself will prepare you for courting and marriage. You’ll have a greater sense of self, providing the opportunity to clearing articulate who you are, what you are about, and what it is you desire in a mate.
3. Create a Bucket list- In relationships, you give up “I” for “we”; in singleness, its all about ME, ME, ME, ME, ME! Creating a bucket list allows you to enjoy everything YOU want to experience. Marriage is about compromise, right? So, there will be things you have a great desire to do, but your partner may not. This problem can be solved in your singleness! Ride the giant rollercoaster, go hiking, travel to Africa; do whatever it is you’d be disappointed if your significant other refused to do.
4. Join or Create a ministry- With lesser expectations and responsibilities, it’s easier for singles to devote themselves to the Lord’s kingdom; not to say you can’t in marriage, but it becomes more difficult. Singleness is the perfect opportunity to serve others (which is a great lesson before courtship and marriage). Plus, the word of God clearly states where our efforts are to be directed in singleness and marriage:
1 Corinthians 7:34 An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit….
5. Get closer to God- With nothing and no one fighting for your attention, give it all to God. LIVE IN HIS PRESENCE! I love this quote by Maya Angelou “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” To hide your heart in God, you MUST spend time with him. This is the time to get up close and personal, grow spiritually, learn what parts of you are not pleasing to him and perhaps catch a glimpse of your “future”.
In Dr. Monroe’s “Myths of Singleness” video (YouTube), he discusses the importance of developing yourself while single, as it will determine what you bring into your marriage. He reminds us that life begins long before marriage; it begins in your singleness. I urge every single Christian to embrace everyday of their single season, because it’s time you will NEVER get back. Marriage and dating will come, and when it does what will you have to offer?

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Finances

5 Ways to Help Your Wife Who Loves to Spend Money

I write quite a bit on the importance of budgeting. You budget so that you can free up money to save, invest, and/or put toward other financial goals. I even told a story of two types of spenders: one who plans ahead and the other who spends it all (check it out here). But I’m often asked, “What do you do when you plan ahead, but your wife spends it all?”
So here are five approaches you can use to help your wife who loves to spend:

#1 Start with realistic expectations

Let’s say you’re used to saving 50% of your income, while your wife saves 0%. Your goal may be for your household to continue that 50% savings rate, but it’s not realistic…at least not immediately.
Right or wrong aside, it will be difficult for your wife to make such drastic changes in spending habits overnight. This doesn’t mean you lose sight of the goal, but it should encourage you to set smaller milestones. These milestones are what you’ll want to communicate to her.

#2 Be as specific as possible about your budget

If you’re wife is a big spender, chances are she rarely had to think about her spending throughout her life. Going from not thinking about her spending, to knowing exactly how much to cut and where, can be overwhelming.
Instead of giving her the heavy task of “not spending so much”, make it clear. Have an idea of where she overspends and by how much she can cut back the next month, or next year. You can then communicate a more specific plan to your wife.
For example, “instead of spending $500 on dining out next month, let’s target $300. This would be about $75 per week”
Your wife now has a clearer idea of what she can do to cut back her spending on dining out. When you have a clear goal, you have a greater chance of achieving it.
Learn more about how to track your spending and how to cut your spending.

#3 Shift the focus from right now to the future

The ideas of saving and investing are all about the future. They require up front sacrifice, but the sacrifice is worth it because the savers/investors remind themselves of what the future will look like once they succeed.
Big spenders, on the other hand, spend the way they do because they’re focused more on the present than the future. They spend money on what will make them feel good now, and the future is “out of sight, out of mind. But you can shift this thinking by painting a clear picture of what you’re future could look like, and reminding her of this future as encouragement. Remember, clearer goals are more attainable.
This of course assumes she shares your financial goals for the future. If she does not, then you’ll want to shift your focus to aligning on a set of goals with your wife.

#4 Speak to her insecurities

Retail therapy is no joke. Many spenders purchase their way into confidence and status. What drives your wife’s spending? Did she grow up poor, and now makes every attempt to have nice things? Maybe she grew up in a household where if you didn’t have certain things, you were less than. There are a lot of insecurities that can drive our purchase decisions. You’ll want to understand these, so that you can address them appropriately (even if it’s not through direct communication).

#5 Make it fun, reward yourselves (frugally!)

Most of us make more progress when there are small rewards along the way. And for larger goals that require years of discipline and commitment, you’ll want to throw in a few goodies to celebrate progress and encourage perseverance.
The point is to understand what drives your wife’s spending behavior, give her a clear idea of what she can do to help your household reach your goals, and make it a little fun along the way. Remember to give her a little room to make mistakes, and watch your path to financial freedom get a lot smoother.