A defensive spouse can be very challenging, but here are some great practical tips on how to work together to progress forward towards change.
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How to Deal With a Defensive Spouse
“Who is Queen Vashti and what the heck can I learn from her?” Queen Vashti is widely known as the individual who lost her place due to disobedience and/or as Esther’s predecessor. She’s often looked down upon, if ever mentioned.
As I recently studied Esther, I had a change of heart regarding Queen Vashti. While she is no Esther, (who happens to be my favorite bible character), there is a lesson in her short-lived story. Here’s 3 things every woman can learn from Queen Vashti:
1.Know Your Level of Tolerance
Ultimately, Queen Vashti was removed from her position when she refused to attend a party where the King wished to display her beauty. Some may say “what’s the big deal? I would have gone!” Great, but Queen Vashti chose not to. She refused to compromise who she was or what she stood for, simply for the sake of a relationship or to gain the acceptance of the king.
I’ve read several commentaries, and some state she was tired, while others say she didn’t want to be paraded around as a trophy in a room full of drunk men. Regardless of the reason, Queen Vashti teaches us the importance of knowing our limit and committing to it, even if it costs us a relationship.
2. Do Not Look Back
As I continued to read Esther, I never found mention of Queen Vashti again. I even did a Google search. Simply put, she vanished. I’ll venture out and say many single women have difficulty letting go of past relationships, often sending/responding to text messages, stalking his Facebook and holding on to past memories. Learn from Vashti and look ahead. There is a reason you chose to move on with your life, hold on to that memory.
3. Let Your Absence Speak Louder that You
As women, we sometimes feel the need to take to social media, talk to our friend and/or his, or rush into another relationship to make sure he knows “I was the best thing that ever happened to him.” Truth is, the more we scream it, the less valid it becomes. In a situation such as this, your silence and absence speaks the loudest. Ether 2:1 reads, “…he began thinking about Vashti and what she had done and the decree he had made.”
The bible doesn’t say exactly what he thought, but we do know he thought about her and the “poor” decision he made regarding her. Like Vashti, if your presence was at all valuable, he’ll realize it without your help.
Although Queen Vashti story was short-lived, she left us with food for thought. As a single woman deciding what to do next after the loss of a relationship, consider Queen Vashti as a role model. I pray the same boldness that overtook Vashti overtakes you the next time you are asked to compromise who you are, have an urge to return to someone you have let go, or when you feel the need to give the past “him” a piece of your mind.
Philippians 3:13Amplified Bible (AMP)
“I do not consider, brethren, that I have captured and made it my own [yet]; but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead…”
XOXO,
A Leading Lady
“The family that prays together stays together” is one of those priceless, yet tragically overused and underestimated clichés that bombard Christian culture. I despise how numb to the concept of prayer we have become. The staggering truth is that prayer is a weapon of mass destruction to the schemes of the enemy and an instrument of mass con-struction for the good of His children.
Have you looked around lately? Have you noticed how volatile our society is? Do you hear the “wars and rumors of wars” reverberating through the sound bytes? Do you think your spouse isn’t affected? You’re affected by it, aren’t you? Listen to what David says about prayer in Psalms:
“In my distress [when seemingly closed in] I called upon the Lord and cried to my God; He heard my voice out of His temple (heavenly dwelling place), and my cry came before Him, into His [very] ears.” Psalm 18:6 (Amplified Bible)
You owe your spouse the gift of your prayers. Maybe you simply forget, or maybe you don’t yet grasp the impact of your prayers for your spouse.
Let me help: Jesus taught His disciples to pray by giving them an outline, of sorts. You can pray for your spouse using His model! I’ll use my wife for the example below, but try it for yourself using your spouse’s name.
Here’s an easy-to-remember eight step outline for praying for your spouse using the Lord’s Prayer, which you probably already know, found in Matthew 6:9-13:
1. Our Father in Heaven, holy is Your Name. (We enter the conversation with our Father by worshiping Him and declaring Who He is. We call on our Daddy, proclaim how high His authority is—in Heaven, and declare His holiness.
2. Let Your Kingdom come to my spouse. Let Your Kingdom and my wife’s kingdom merge to become one, where You are the King. Give her revelation of her position as Your daughter and empower her in her mission to expand Your Kingdom.
3. Let Your will be done in her life as in Heaven. Lord, help her to walk in Your authority, in the love of her Father in Heaven. Help her to bring Heaven to Earth with every breath and every step.
4. Give her today her daily bread. Provide the spiritual nourishment that she needs today that You have specifically provided for her as her loving Father. Speak to her by Your Word and Your Spirit. Also, provide for our family, Lord, that we may have all that we need.
5. Forgive her of any sins, Lord. Please remind her of anyone that she must forgive.
6. Lead her, Father. Lead her away from situations that cause her to stumble (temptation). Overall, Father, just lead her. Your Word says in Psalm 37:23 that You order the steps of the righteous. Guide her every step, Father.
7. (Here’s where you get to take up the sword!) Deliver her from every detestable and desperate scheme of the powers of darkness, over whom You gave her authority! No weapon formed against her will prosper. (Isaiah 54:17) You have placed Your angels around her. (Psalm 34:7)
8. End it in praise: It’s all about You, Father. This is Your Kingdom, for Your honor and glory. Forever. I commit my wife to you today, into Your hands, Father. I love You. Thank You for the gift of my spouse. In Jesus’ name. Amen
Customize it. Study it further. Make application to your spouse as you intercede, whether you use this model or not. The point is to jump into a lifestyle of intercession for your spouse!
How often do you pray for your spouse? What tools do you use?
Click here for a one time offer that will help you and your spouse have a better prayer life.
1The Holy Bible: The Amplified Bible. 1987. La Habra, CA: The Lockman Foundation
Many people think that moving in together will help individuals ease their way into marriage. While this may seem as a good idea, studies are showing that this actually isn’t a great strategy.
A report by the CDC actually shows that 80% of women who cohabit before marriage are still together after 5 years while only 46% are still married after 20 years. 80% of women who did not cohabit before marriage are still married after 5 years, but 57% are still married after 20 years. The report also showed that 80% of men who cohabited before marriage were still married after 5 years, but only 53% were married after 20 years. Their married counterparts did slightly better, 82%, after 5 years, but 60% were still married after 20 years.
I have a friend who was cohabiting and I asked him why he didn’t just marry his girlfriend. I asked him, “what’s the difference.” His response was, “exactly, what’s the difference”. He said that he was cool with the way things were and he wasn’t ready for such a commitment. Not only was he living with the young lady, but he had a child with her and he still wasn’t fully committed.
Things didn’t work out with the young lady and he moved on and actually married someone else. Moving in with someone really isn’t a sign of commitment. It’s like leasing a house instead of buying it. When you rent, you are able to leave at the end of the year when your lease is up. When you buy a house, it isn’t so simple. Marriage is a true sign of commitment and many men know it. Men realize that it is a much bigger deal to stand before man and God and confess your commitment to someone than it is to just make room in your closet for someone.
Many feel that they want to cohabit so that they can get to know someone better. Cohabiting really isn’t the answer. The way to get to know someone is to take the time to get to know them. Spend as much time as you possibly can to get to know them. Spend as much time as it takes to get comfortable enough to get married without moving in with them.
I understand that people move in together because it makes since financially, but it doesn’t make sense to combine finances with someone whom you’re not sure if things will work out. You could make long-term financial commitments without the assurance of long-term financial support. I also believe that if you need someone else to be able to live a comfortable life, there may be some personal development that you may need to do on your own. It may be a good idea to ensure that you are a self reliant person before you are ready to commit to someone else.
There are many reasons that people use to justify moving in with each other, but honestly they are not good enough to justify doing so. It is unnecessary. You can prepare for marriage in separate dwellings. You can get to know one another very well without moving in together. It takes time, patience and commitment. Please, never play house.
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Think about the money goals you set in January. Remember how excited you were to have a plan to get out of debt, save for that big trip, car, or house? You were so excited to finally see financial progress, that you welcomed the challenges and sacrifices required to achieve those goals. Turning down those random trips felt easier and cutting out fast food purchases, a breeze.
But now we’re a few months in, and keeping up this strict behavior to reach your goals is starting to feel impossible. Or maybe you’ve put in the work, but circumstances beyond your control have set you back.
How do you motivate yourself through times of stagnation?
Let me show you how I deal.
I’m in year 2 of a 3-year journey to pay off $180,000 of student debt. To reach this goal requires me to be very strict with where my money goes. Most “treat myself” spending is out the window. I have very little room for random trips, fast food stops, or anything random for that matter (you’ll be surprised at what you can accomplish when you’re just more purposeful with your money). Needless to say, this behavior isn’t easy. But with the grace of God, I made it through a full year.
At the end of year 1, I knocked out $80,000 in student debt. I celebrated, patting myself on the back, because it felt like a HUGE accomplishment. But the excitement soon left as I thought, “Man, I have 2 MORE YEARS of this?” The thought of 2 more years of living on such a tight budget felt impossible, and I started to question if it was even worth it.
But giving up is never an option for me (confessions of an overachiever!), so I had to (and continuously have to) find ways to motivate myself, and refocus.
Here’s what I do:
#1 I focus more on why I’m doing it
I’m pressed to pay off $180,000 in 3 years, so that I can be free of debt before my husband and I grow our family. The money that is currently going toward my debt would be much better served going toward our children’s tuition and other family savings, especially investments.
I also need to be debt free for our long-term goal of being financially independent. This is the point where we’re able to live off of the interest that our money earns (from investments). We want to be able to give, travel, and enjoy life without being set back financially or worried about making ends meet.
Focusing on why I’m doing it gives me the will to keep fighting for it.
#2 I remember how far I’ve come
Year 1 of my student debt journey may have been hard, but when I look at the result, it was well worth it! Before year 1 I owed $180,000. After year 1 I owed closer to $100,000. This was progress, and I needed to focus more on that progress.
This isn’t too hard to understand, right? Focusing on the progress you’ve made makes you feel good, like you can do so much more (which you can!). And focusing on the difficulties makes you feel bad, and you ask yourself, “Why would I go through this again? Maybe this isn’t for me.” You and I both know where we need to place our focus 🙂 .
Remembering how far I’ve come feeds my momentum, as I push through.
#3 I identify the main barriers holding me back, and I adjust
It’s great to focus on my year 1 progress, but I didn’t want to completely ignore what made it so tough. If possible, I want to make these next 2 years easier, to increase my chances of sticking to my goal.
One of the tough things about year 1 of my student debt journey was balancing my student goals with my contribution to our family goals. I don’t want my marriage feeling the burden of my student debt goals. Given how hard my husband, Tyrone, and I work, I want us to be able to do some of the things we love (and need) to do to enjoy ourselves.
To help with this balance, Tyrone and I sat down at the end of 2014 and planned out our 2015. We talked through any major trips we’re hoping for, as well as our expectations around “date nights,” dining out, and other regular spending. Thinking about these things ahead of time, gave me a better idea of how much to set aside regularly, so that it wouldn’t be a constant fight between what goes toward my student debt and what goes toward our other goals. I now have regular amounts going toward our emergency fund, travel fund, and other items we aligned on. And yes, it required that I slightly decrease what goes toward my student debt, but it’s more realistic, which means it increases my chances of sticking to it!
Addressing and adjusting for my barriers increases my chances of success.
I used my personal journey just as an example, but I encourage you to try these same 3 tips before you give up on your money goal(s):
1. Focus on why you’re doing it
2. Remember how far you’ve come
3. Identify the barrier and adjust for it
Remember, “slow progress” is better than “no progress,” and “no progress” is simply an opportunity to adjust. You can make it happen!
P.S. If you’re on your own student debt journey, I encourage you to download my free toolkit that helps you set a strategy, find more money to put toward the student debt, and track your progress.
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The #1 To Guarantee to a Failed Marriage
I have the key that guarantees your marriage will fail. It is the number one cause of divorce, division, and devastation to the average American family.
Be selfish.
That’s all you have to do. You may be wondering, “…Why would you blog about failure? Can’t we keep things light and happy?”
Note that oftentimes, my blogs take a positive approach. It recommends what people should do. But this blog is to help people realize what they shouldn’t do if they plan to have happy, successful, long lasting relationships.
When you’re selfish, you will not care for the other person’s mental, physical and emotional needs.
Loving them in their love language? Nope. You’ll insist on loving them with yours instead. Also, you’ll focus solely on your own needs and when that person doesn’t meet them, you’ll start pondering who or what could satisfy.
Here’s the deal: marriage isn’t even about you. It’s not about your spouse either. Your marriage is a reflection and representation of Christ’s love for the church. Regardless of how you feel, you have an obligation to love your spouse passionately, unconditionally, and in a way that they receive love.
When you’re selfish, you won’t care about teamwork:
Let’s take house work for example. This can actually work one of two ways. The first way it could play out is if someone isn’t pulling their weight. When one is selfish, why would they help clean up around the house? After all, they’ve had a long day and they feel their spouse should understand!
The other way this could go is when someone does too much with the wrong intentions.
They may do all of the housework in order to have leverage in an unrelated argument later on down the line. They are just waiting for the right moment to say “I do this, this, this, this, aaaaand this! YOU OWE ME.”
Marriage works best when the two individuals are not just teammates but friends.
Constantly battling for power is a recipe for disaster. The husband may be the head of the household, but the wife is the neck that supports Him and makes things work.
When you’re selfish, you’ll get that feeling that you always need to be right…Every. Single. Time.
And you’ll make sure it happens by any means necessary. What’s worst is when you know something isn’t a big deal, but you desire to be right so much that you make it into a bigger deal than it ever needed to be. Your relationship will be categorized as one that is difficult and exhausting.
You may love one another, but you won’t like each other.
My pastor mentioned something profound once. He said, “I’ve never humbled myself and lost an argument.” The reason that many relationships suffer from selfishness is because of pride.
But whenever you approach things with humility instead of pride, you’re guaranteed to win. Sometimes winning is not about who’s right or wrong. Instead, it may be agreeing to disagree for the sake of peace.
How does your marriage compare?
Am I highlighting areas in your life that are hitting close to home? There’s no better time to evaluate than now. But evaluation doesn’t start looking at the whole. It starts with a different type of “self centered” approach. Begin with you, your relationship with Christ, and improving areas you can control.
1) Submission is about alignment
Every single time I have failed to submit to my husband, my plans have backfired. If I’m ever stubborn, or if I trust my own leadership, there are negative consequences. These are not always immediate consequences, but they’re consequences often times seen months later than the decision. This happens both naturally and supernaturally.
I have a small-scale example of this. Throughout our marriage, all 8 months of it, my husband has been asking me to wear a head scarf to bed. He’s asked this of me because it keeps my hair out of his face. I would never do it because I was too lazy to get out of bed, find the scarf and wrap my hair. I never would have imagined something so small making much of a difference in my life.
Lately, although, I’ve begun wearing the head scarf to bed. What have I found? Instead of having stubborn alfalfa hairs that stick up no matter what amount of heat or large helping of product can fix, and instead of taking 15 minutes on my hair in the morning, my hair takes 5 minutes, tops. My hair lays flat and is easily manageable.
My head scarf experience is also very symbolic of the scripture:
1 Corinthians 11:3-5 The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. A man dishonors his head if he covers his head while praying or prophesying. But a woman dishonors her head if she prays or prophesies without a covering on her head, for this is the same as shaving her head. Yes, if she refuses to wear a head covering, she should cut off all her hair!
In our culture, we do not wear head coverings. Women’s wearing of head coverings was once a cultural religious practice that is symbolic of women’s submission to their husbands. But when I put my head scarf on at night, I put the symbolism into practice. I think of the act as saying to my husband: “I trust your leadership and I care about how well you sleep. I trust that even when I take and extra step to serve you, blessing is coming. I’m submitted to you.”
Now this is a very natural example. Other spiritual examples are too personal to share, but I’ve learned time and time again that blessings come, naturally and supernaturally, when a wife is in alignment with her husband, and her husband is in alignment with Christ.
2) Submission is for your protection
Women were designed physically weaker than men. We don’t have huge biceps, we’re often shorter and smaller in stature. Women were also designed emotionally weaker than men. Women are more prone to cry. They’re typically more sensitive. They can become hormonal around menstruation and during pregnancy. Men are called to spiritual leadership because God has created women to be more fragile. God has created women to be protected.
1 Peter 3:7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
Women are the weaker vessel. We are certainly equal. We are certainly powerful. We are certainly strong. But we are more at risk for attack while not submitted to our husbands. Satan will prey on the weak link in order to derail a marriage. He will most often not try to attack the head of a marriage first, which is the husband, but he will often take jabs at the woman to get to the man, in order to destroy the marriage.
This is why submission is so important. Submission gives your husband an opportunity to spiritually protect you. Satan can obliterate the spiritual life of a wife who stands independent of her husband’s leadership, because her stubbornness gives him an opportunity to attack while she remains uncovered by the protection of her husband. When a wife is submitted to her husband, Satan has to go through the husband to get to the wife. When a husband is submitted to Christ, Satan has to go through Christ to get to the husband to get to the wife. Submission ultimately protects you.
3) Submission is a display of power
Unity ultimately brings marriage its power. When the husband is in submission to Christ and the wife is submitted to the husband, a three-strand cord is created.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Wives, you have less power alone than you have with your husband and Christ. Submission ultimately strengthens the spiritual power that a marriage holds through unity. If you only remember one thing from this article remember this: Divided we fall, united we stand.
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Finding Love
There is no mistaking I grew up with a very distorted view on love. My parents divorced when I was only four years old & something went awry from there.
Without knowing their story I cannot blame them for what went wrong. But something did. Somewhere in their love story something was lost, and I inevitably went looking for it.
I didn’t go looking for what went amiss in their love story, but I went looking for a way to fulfill my own. I always ended up in the wrong place, but I kept looking anyway.
And, one day it hit me.
How do I even know there is more to love than what my parents showed me?
Why do I think there is more?
I had only ever known my parents as being divorced and logically I should have been okay with that. They were the ones who modeled what marriage was (or wasn’t) and that is what I should have seen as acceptable for my own life.
Except I didn’t.
It wasn’t until recently that I started to realize just what it means when God says He knew me before I was even born. As I began to recall back on situations that caused hurt in my life God started to reveal to me where He was in each of those moments.
When I was kicking and screaming in my bedroom doorway, “no one loves me!”, God loved me and in a very real way He was that doorway standing strong, framing my life.
When I was kicked out of my house at 13 I felt rejected and damaged; Yet God provided a safe place for me to go, and He accepted me in my brokenness.
When I lost my virginity at 15 I thought I had found love. But when my reality was crushed by truth that I had been used for a “game” I contemplated if life was worth living. And, it was then, as I sat on the edge of my bed with a piece of glass in my hand, that God planted a deep seed in my heart that stopped me from ever causing physical harm to my body.
So, ask yourself. How do you know there is more to love than what has been modeled before you?
What tells you that love is more than what you have ever experienced?
The day I decided to open my heart to God He showed me I was right all along to believe in a better love. And, ever since that day I have felt whole. I no longer feel like I am missing something because I know the creator of love, and He has fulfilled the void in my life that I so desperately wanted for 20 years. I am married now, but my search for love was completed before my husband ever proposed.
I encourage you today to ask yourself if you have ever experienced true love. And, not the kind of love they sell you in movies or books. The kind of love that no human can fulfill, but the kind of love that cannot be explained because it far surpasses all understanding.
