Category: Dating/Courting

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Dating/Courting Single

The Number One Thing EVERY Single Should Know Before Dating!

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

Preparing for the dating scene can be quite a tedious process. Exciting, but tedious. As women, we do our best to make sure we’re in a position to be found, while most men do their best to make sure they are in a position to date or court. Many attend conferences and seminars to make sure they’re fully prepared for the dating/courting process. While all of this is necessary, in my experience there’s one thing that has the potential gets lost in the process…YOU.
“What do you like in a woman?” That’s the first question I asked every guy I dated, with my pen paper in hand. Dating three young men at the same time became WAY too much for me, as they all liked different attributes in a woman. Doing my best to be the woman each of them desired became overwhelming! One weekend I was an outspoken girl who didn’t mind going to the club (totally not me), the next week I was extremely reserved and quiet (also not me), and the other week I was made to feel inferior and uneducated (also, not me).
During the initial phase of the dating process, I was so consumed with being the perfect girl for the gentleman who captured my attention; I forgot to be who God created me to be. I wasn’t the fun, silly, dress up and dress down and lover of laughter and stimulating conversations girl I was around my friends! During the dating process, I became three different people and Shannon Cheri Colar, part time.
So what should every single know? EVERY SINGLE SHOULD KNOW WHO THEY ARE! Again, the dating process has the potential to be extremely exciting, but at what cost? Understand, God created you with your destiny in mind, what human is worth altering that? No one. While dating, keep in mind there is someone, if not someone(s), who will love you just the way you are!
With knowledge that I lost myself in the dating process, I decided to STOP dating all together, remind myself who I was, and allow HIM to find me “being me”. It wasn’t until I started “being me” that someone who loved me for me found me!
My encouragement to every single person is to fall in love with “you” before inviting anyone else to. If you’re not enough for the individual during the dating process, you’ll never be enough, not in courtship, not in marriage. You know the old saying “Go where you’re celebrated, and not tolerated”.
XOXO,
Shannon C Colar

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

Wifey Material or Nah?

If Proverbs 18:22 tells us “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, why do we believe wives are made after saying I do?
The scripture does not say he who finds a woman, then makes her his wife. Unmarried women let me encourage you today…..You don’t have to wait to be approached by a man before you are made into a wife! When you submit your life to the Lord and allow him to lead and guide you, he can teach you how to embody the characteristics of a wife!
Becoming a wife is not simply about being a great cook, being able to clean a house spotless or being able to bare children. Your qualifications of becoming a wife are not simply based on what the world say a wife is. After all, to the world many women with marriage certificates are wives. We see reality shows such as “Basketball Wives” or “Real Housewives of Atlanta” where the wives portrayed are half-dressed, spends money excessively, are always in drama, are rarely with their children, can’t cook, transfer from husband to husband based on who has the highest salary and are more concerned with being popular and the latest fashion than building their homes.
According to the book of Proverbs it takes more than a willing man, a ring, ceremony and a marriage certificate to become a wife. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a wife as a type of woman who…

  • has good character
  • is unselfish
  • is a nurturer
  • is good with money and knows how to multiply what she has
  • She is a provider and is good with her hands
  • she is respected and gives respect
  • she is productive and not lazy
  • she is a giver and knows how to serve others
  • she takes care of her appearance
  • she is full of wisdom
  • she knows how to watch her tongue
  • she is faithful
  • and most importantly she fears the Lord

Ladies, the next time you feel the desire to ask God for a husband, ask yourself first….”Am I am Wife?”
Let the word of God become your standard so he can make you ready for your future! When your future husband finds you, you don’t want him to just find a woman, but you want him to find a wife!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Poisons That Don't Belong in Relationships

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Throughout life, it’s inevitable that our hearts and minds will take beatings in ways that can potentially have a negative effect on our view of ourselves and others. The problem is, when we allow those negative thoughts to reign over the reality of who God says we are, they can cause some serious damage in our relationships.
In order to maintain a thriving relationship – whether it’s a friendship, a relationship, marriage, or with a family member – I believe it’s incredibly important to recognize when you’ve allowed these ‘poisons’ into your life, and then get rid of them!
Here are five poisons that I have observed:

  1. Insecurities: Insecurities are incredibly easy to pick up. The truth is, an insecurity represents an area of your life that is not under the authority of God. Acknowledging insecurities that you carry is a good start to getting rid of them.  Then it’s important to pursue what God says about it, and let Him have the final say.
  2. Comparisons: The problem with comparisons is that they will never end once you start! Someone will always be more ____[fill-in-the-blank] than you. But there will never be anyone who has the exact combination of gifts, personality, appearance, history, and desires as you do! The world can’t have another human being exactly just like you, so why deprive them? Figure out what makes you unique and celebrate those qualities, instead of wishing you were like someone else. Otherwise, it is an open door for jealousy, shame and self-deprecation – all of which can wreak havoc on your relationships because you will only be able to love the other person according to how much you love yourself.
  3. Negative assumptions: Assuming the worst in someone will likely bring the worst out of them. Of course people are going to let you down. Of course people are going to fail. But if you continually expect the worst to happen you may create some false truths about the other, along with missing a lot of good that may be going on! In general, assuming the best has a way of raising the other to a higher standard, along with freeing yourself from worry, anxiety, frustration, etc.
  4. Fear: Fear causes us to make decisions that may not be rooted in wisdom or love. This can put a huge strain on relationships, especially when the other isn’t aware of fears you may struggle with. It’s important to keep your motivation in check. Ask yourself why you are making a decision. Are you afraid of what could happen if you don’t? Or is it because you are certain it is right for the circumstances you’re in?
  5. Lack of Vulnerability: It is impossible to deeply connect with another person if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Not expressing feelings or opening up can only last so long until it creates a tension in a relationship. Being vulnerable may be scary at times, but has a way of developing a safe place which in turn allows a relationship to progress. Without progression, relationships tend to just go backward or fall apart.Above all, relationships take work and being intentional! The more proactive you can be about not allowing these ‘poisons’ in your relationships, the more life-giving they will be.

Categories
Dating/Courting

3 Things Not to Do on a Double Date

holidays, vacation, love and friendship concept - smiling couple having fun in city

It was early on into our dating relationship.
Scene set: Friday night, dinner and game night – a few rounds of Taboo at my house that suddenly went south.
As we had not experienced many double dates up to this point, we both unknowingly seized the opportunity to rally the support of the other couple to each other’s side regarding recent disagreements. Fortunately, we were able to recognize our actions and redirect the conversation to save a fun night with friends.
Here are some guidelines of things NOT to do when you begin double dating with other couples:
1. Spend the whole time on your phone
This should go without say – date or not – but chances are, you are looking for some human interaction that both you and your significant other can enjoy. Leave the virtual reality for a later time on your own.
2.  Over display your physical and emotional affections for your significant other.
If your touches make others around you feel uncomfortable, save it for later! Be mindful of your physical exchanges while in the company of others and how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. We get that you love each other, just don’t overdo it in public.
3. Use this time as a battle ground to prove who was right.
Don’t allow this to be a time to bring up past arguments in an attempt to rally more troops on your side. Remember what this night is about and don’t waste time airing out dirty laundry over past disagreements.
 
Have you experienced any double date night horrors?
How did you and your significant other save the day [or you didn’t]?

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Dating/Courting Home Single

Is the Proverbs 31 Woman Even Real?

The first few times I read through Proverbs 31 were not intentional. Most of my understanding of her came from others. When I finally decided to intentionally look into this woman – I quickly closed my bible and said, “Umm yea, this woman is not real, I can’t relate.” Why? Well for one, I don’t like to cook or clean, I appreciate my sleep, I don’t know how to sew (takes me 30 minutes just to get the thread in the needle head), and at that time in my life, I was working and in school full-time (do people still farm? – don’t judge me I’m a city girl). I just didn’t have a connection with or understanding of this infamous woman.
Fast forward a few years; I found myself married with a beautiful baby girl. I always had a desire to support my home and serve my husband and children but when it came time to doing it, let’s just say a girl struggled just a little bit in a few areas. My attitude about it all wasn’t always the best either. To make matters worse, my areas of struggle were directly related to my husband’s #1 love language, acts of service.
Ugh! The reality of being a Proverbs 31 woman just didn’t seem realistic or appealing. So what I did is what I always do when I face challenges in life, go to my papa – God!  
After years of skipping and glazing over chapter 31 of the book of Proverbs. I finally decided to not just read but study the chapter with intention and purpose. What I discovered was amazing and within a day’s time, my heart, attitude and perspective of this woman changed. I’m delighted to be able to share my revelation with you on who the Proverbs 31 (P31) woman really is.
1. She’s not a real woman: What? Yea, seriously. I used to think she was a real woman just nameless like the Woman at the Well. However, the P31 woman was a description of a woman, King Lemuel’s mother gave to teach him as a young boy the qualities to look for in a wife. This truth freed me of comparison. Every quality I struggled with didn’t make me less than, now I just saw them as areas I had the opportunity to grow in.
2.  She was actually single: Think about it. King Lemuel’s mother was actually referring to single women since these were qualities she encouraged her son to look for in a future wife. Sooooo…. that means becoming a proverbs 31 woman starts while single not when you say “I do.” (Oops… I sorta missed that memo but I’m getting it together now). I find that many single women view the P31 woman as something they become in the future if/when they get married and have children but nope, this is for the now preparing for later.
 3. She’s a Queen: The description of the P31 woman wasn’t just about any ol’ housewife who wore an apron all day. She was royalty! We’re talking about the wife-to-be of a king, remember? She’s a Queeeen! (She’s Your Queeeeen lyrics from Coming to America just popped in my head. Ha!). She was helping her king run a kingdom. A Queen knows her position, value and authority in her kingdom.
4.  She’s a BOSS:   This point is my favorite! The P31 woman loved God and her family but she was also about her business literally. For whatever reason, she is typically coined as a wife and mother who domestically serves her home and family, but after categorizing each verse her qualities are equally divided.  1/3 of her qualities were about her soul and her relationship with God, another 1/3 focused on her domestic abilities to manage and support her home and family, and the final third showed that she was business-wise and entrepreneurial. This woman didn’t just sit at home cooking and cleaning all day. Nope! She was also using her gifts, talents and expertise to bring in income for her family. However, she was balanced and prioritized while doing it all. I was excited to see the importance of this quality in her life. I’m all about pursuing purpose and using our gifts as women.
As cliché as the Proverbs 31 woman might be to some, she is truly a woman I strive to be. A woman of God who fully understands her worth and value, happily married, with successful relationships with her husband, children and community but yet a wise and a bomb business woman.

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Dating/Courting Marriage

The Superpower Every Man Needs From Their Woman

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

“The Lord God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” Genesis 2:18

Did you know God created women with superpowers? Well, he did. When God created us, he gave us special capabilities to HELP the men in our life progress….and on the flip side, regress!

When I think of a “helper”, I think of someone willing to do what it takes to ensure the goal is met. Someone who is encouraging, speaks positively, and uplifts the one he/she is helping.  The problem is, women are often associated with the terms “nagging” and “complaining” (in our defense, some of us are just stating what we see). Anywho, my point is God equipped us to assist our loved ones (males specifically) across their finish line(s). Problem is, some of us are killing them, their hopes, and dreams before they can reach them.
Proverbs 21:19 “ Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”. Why would it be better for a man to live in a desert, rather than with his helpmate, who nags occasionally?  Question…Have you ever tried to work on something and a fly KEPT buzzing around you? How distracting did it become? How much more would you have been able to accomplish had the fly NOT been around.

The same goes for being a helpmate. Men need encouragement! Though they may never express it, they too struggle with insecurities, fears, possibilities and disappointments. To have someone constantly remind you of your shortcomings and failures has a way of killing what little hope was left.

Instead, I challenge those who are in relationships (married or courting) to use your superpowers for good, not evil! Lift the men in your life up, encourage them, remind them of the king that lives within, and watch their drive and motivation kick in! In my experience, men are most concerned with the opinion of those closest to them.
Ladies, with our words alone we have the power to EMPOWER, INSPIRE, PUSH and MOTIVATE our men to be EVERYTHING GOD CALLED THEM TO BE! There’s only one problem, many of us have grown accustom to sharing their flaws, killing their self-esteem and making them feel invaluable, which has the power to hinder them from completing the task they were ultimately sent here to complete.
These last few weeks have been eye opening to me. I’ve learned, the right amount of listening, encouraging, motivating and praying goes much further than my nagging!

Be encouraged.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

3 Signs You Are Ready for Marriage

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

by Chasity DeLaCruz
“Hey! Don’t burn the marshmallows!” Dad got my attention just in time.  I was trying out a new recipe, and our kitchen had sweet potatoes, baked fish and seasoned veggies scattered all over the place. At that moment in my life, I felt an overflow of love in my heart for the first time which led me to promise myself that one day, I will cook the same dish for my future husband. Not only this, but I wanted to cook only the best food for my better half. This also enlightened me with another realization; this was actually the first sign I saw in myself that I was ready for marriage.
There are many things that can hint to you on your readiness for committing to someone for the rest of your life. The first question you need to ask yourself before preparing for marriage is whether or not you believe God is calling you to be married. Everyone isn’t called to be married, but if you know that marriage is for you and you want to get clear on when you are ready to allow your future spouse in your life, you’re in the right place!
Here are three signs to know you are ready for marriage:

1. You See Your Partner In Your Future

Make sure that you can envision yourself building a legacy with your special someone. Do your long term goals consider your future spouse? Have you thought about how you could serve in ministry with your future mate? These are all ways that a person who is ready for marriage would consider their partner in their future plans.

2. You Are a Team Player

It’s important to understand that getting married is not all about you. Can you imagine yourself serving your partner, even when you don’t feel like it? Will you be willing to cook that meal or listen about their day when all you want to do is rest? Your readiness to be a team player is a big sign that you are prepared to consider marriage.

3. You Understand Your Core Values

The best way to date with a purpose and get aligned with a partner who shares your same values is to get clear on your core values. What is important to your life? What are your top 3 core values? If you are crystal clear on your values, you will have a better change to get a mate with similar values.
 
The bottom line is that being ready for marriage is more about your willingness to accept the level of responsibility and wisdom needed to build your life with a loving partner, and pursue a purpose-driven relationship.  At the right moment, you will have your “Ah ha” moment and realize that you are indeed ready for marriage.
 
About Chasity: Chasity DeLaCruz is the founder and creator of chasitydelacruz.com. She is a wife, mom, missionary and dating strategist. She helps amazing women create their dream relationship by dropping causal dating and taking on dating with a purpose. Chasity has mastered the art of creating a purpose-driven relationship, and she’s an expert at helping women prepare for a God-centered marriage.

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage

5 Benefits of Marrying Your Best Friend

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

As many guy best friends often get stuck in the “friend zone,” here are some points to consider on why your best friend may just be the perfect spouse in the making.
 

  1. You enjoy the same things.

Chances are if he is your best friend, you probably have a few things in common – whether that’s hiking, reading books, your passion for working out, ministry, etc. You probably share common interests that make you enjoy this person’s company. Knowing you like the same things can only help to guarantee that you will always have fun!
 

  1.  They know you better than you know yourself.

 
Although this may not be entirely true, your best friend has the ability to recognize things about you that you may not see for yourself, constantly encouraging you to be the best version of YOU! With marriage being a super friendship, having a partner that supports you and loves you unconditionally for who you are will go a long way.
 

  1. What you see is what you get – as in, you know what you are getting into.

When a relationship starts after a friendship, it is likely that you have seen this person at their highest and lowest, through their ups and downs. Starting with a friendship allows you to see how this person will react in different situations because they are not trying to impress you, but are merely being themselves. Friendship allows you to see an individual in their most natural form, before feelings enter and potentially blur judgments or cloud perspective.
 

  1. You share the same morals, values, and beliefs.

Although I don’t think any two people may ever be 100% on the same page, sharing your life with someone that has the same ideology as you will have positive effects on your relationship. It allows you to connect on a deeper level, and ensure the foundation of your own family would be raised up on those same values that are important to you.
 

  1. When the feelings fade, you still like each other.

Feelings are a funny thing – they come and go, but true love is deeper than a feeling. A relationship built on friendship instills a greater, more firm foundation rather than one built on something that is fleeting. You realize you enjoy being around this person because you like who they are as a whole, not just for their looks or something superficial. Aside from feelings, friendship may also carry a deeper sense of trust and loyalty. Often best friends have gone through many seasons with you, and to remain by your side through it all, may give just a glimpse of how your love could stand the test of time.
 
I hope this challenges you to revisit your original thoughts on a friendship you may have. Who knows, your future husband could be that friend you swore you would never date as my husband once said about me.  
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Five Things I Would Tell My Teenage Self About Marriage

This is a little embarrassing for me to admit, but hey, I’m feeling pretty generous today: most of what I learned about romance, I learned from Saved by the Bell. Zack Morris, the smooth-talking, charismatic, “blonde Tom Cruise” protagonist had that effect on lots of men-in-training in the late 80’s to mid 90’s.
As a burgeoning teen in late 90’s, I started to see that reality truly is stranger than fiction. Zack Morris’ charm only had the support and pull of teenagers everywhere because his style was scripted to work. For the rest of us, we allow God to write our story.
My “Zack Morris Worldview” changed me. As I’ve drawn closer to the Lord and come to know the power of grace, and a transformed mind, I’ve learned that there is so much more than a silver tongue: character.
If I could go back in time and walk the halls of my middle school, watching my insecure self attempt to be suave and fit in, I would look him in the eye, place my hand on my shoulder, and say, “Don’t settle for the fool’s gold, Daniel, wait for the treasure trove!”
Here’s what else I would tell him…er, me:
1.  “Promiscuity isn’t cool.” By God’s grace, I saved myself for my wife, but my friends and fellow classmates sure didn’t make it easy. We validated one another by how many people we made out with, how many girls were interested and how far we pushed the boundaries. Teenage Daniel, you don’t need “practice.” The more you save for your beautiful  wife in the future, the better. In fact, King Solomon tells young men to run from the promiscuous woman. (Proverbs 5)
2. ‘Waiting for the one’ is cool. God’s standards of “cool” are way different than the world’s. I waited for my wife. I gave my heart and body to her, by God’s grace. I would never want to shame someone who didn’t know any better, that’s not the point. God can absolutely restore what you gave away when you were blind. The point is that we can so easily plug ourselves into the wrong ideology. You can give yourself away in more ways than just physically.
3. It’s not as hard as cynical people want you to believe. Teenage Daniel had a lot of voices speaking in deafening roars about how hard it is to find love, about the sobering-yet-mythical 50/50 divorce rate. They experienced pain, but I did, too. Who do you bring your brokenness to? I’m so glad that I chose to bring mine to Jesus, so He could heal me. He brought Sarah to me and my anger had cooled; my heart softened.
4. It is hard. Zack Morris had misled me to believe that the right amount of gel, charisma, and sex appeal would get me through the hard stuff. Nope. Relationships require grit and determination. To do things the right way, God’s way, is an arduous, costly, but worthwhile process of growth and maturity.
5. ‘Happily ever after’ isn’t a passive event, it’s a lifelong process that you fight for. Fairy tales are a fun idea, but you don’t get “happily ever after” by osmosis. You get it by loving one another through flaws, challenges, and mistakes, and by celebrating the uniqueness that God has deposited into each one of you.
Relationships are funny little tools that the Lord uses to sharpen and define us, but they also bring so much beauty and depth to our lives when Jesus is the Center. Teenage Daniel, hold on tight: your bride is coming and she’s more than worth the wait!

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

How Grief Affects Your Relationships

by Raven Evans
Unbeknownst to many folk, grief is the common factor in most relationship issues that couples face on a regular basis. However, grief has a silver lining. God created grief with good intentions; he wanted us to feel it and overcome it. The problem with this unbearable sadness is that many stay stuck on the wrong side of it, never healing from the initial effects.
 
Grief is our natural reaction to loss and as humans, loss is inevitable. It starts when we leave the birth canal and enter into a world of unfamiliarity; the environment around us is no longer the comfortable womb that we have been in for the past nine months. We must now adapt to new sounds, voices, images, feelings, and surroundings. All humans go through this process and it is not an uncommon experience; even as infants, we grieve over our losses. Grief encourages us to understand and overcome our emotions in a healthy way by helping us adjust to the constant changes in environment, which life always brings; it helps us to evolve as God intended.
Most of us are not still upset over what happened at birth, but we are still grieving over our traumatic childhood experiences, especially when it comes to how we interact with others. These past events are affecting our ability to have healthy and stable relationships in the present. The seeds of rejection, disappointment, and negative emotions, which are often planted in childhood, come to fruition during our adult life. These seeds lead to insecurity, instability, and emotional distress during our daily lives.
You are probably still grieving over each failed relationship from your early days and the pattern that has emerged in your daily interactions is a byproduct of that grief. You may be finding it difficult to have lasting romantic relationships. Your soul is still comparing your previous relationships to your current one or the one that you are actively pursuing. Therefore, you may be experiencing subconscious feelings of being dropped or rejected, feelings of panic, and fears of being heartbroken. These negative expectations cause you to react poorly, which in turn will hinder your ability to have a healthy and fruitful relationship.
You may find yourself wondering where your downfall began. Was it the childhood boyfriend or girlfriend that moved away for good? Was it a really bad break up from the “puppy love” you fell in during junior high? You need to process these feelings in your adult life no matter how minor they may seem to your current state of mind.

  • Open your journal and begin writing your feelings, reliving your past moments, and letting yourself experience the situation one more time.
  • Look for patterns in your failed relationships.
  • Think about how you felt when they left you, disappointed you, or broke up with you.

What did you do about those feelings? Did you ever work through them or did you just forget them, push them aside, and move on to the next relationship?
When you don’t deal with the emotions attached to each situation, you allow toxicities to take over your soul. 
After writing it out, ask God for help to heal the broken areas of your heart. Ask God to fix the wound that grief has left upon your soul. It is not going to be easy reliving your past experiences, but it will be highly beneficial to the health of your current or future relationships. Unhealed grief can cause further trauma in your life. Don’t miss out on a beautiful relationship that God wants to bless you with by keeping grief alive in your heart! Ask Him for help and you will recover!