Month: May 2016

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

6 Reasons Why Rejection is Not the End of the World

Black woman crying outdoors

I can’t recall hearing anybody ever say, “I love to be rejected!” Rightfully so. Rejection is extremely painful and can challenge one’s identity and confidence like nothing else. But the reality is, it is nearly impossible to live a life without experiencing some sort of rejection. Instead of being fearful of rejection, I think it’s important that we learn how to deal with it in a way that is life-giving.
In no way do I mean to come off as flippant about rejection, because I know the heartache and destruction it can cause. But when it comes to dating relationships, I’ve learned a few things about handling rejection. Here are some thoughts on how rejection can be used for good.

  1. It can cause you to be introspective. Introspection can be incredibly beneficial in becoming who we are created to be. While in a relationship, it is much easier to focus on the other person or the relationship itself rather than ourselves, and we may miss an area in our life that needs attention.
  2. It frees up time to invest into other relationships. It may be completely unintentional, but it’s very easy to neglect other important relationships while dating someone. Pouring into the people in your life seems to have a way of healing brokenness.
  3. It positions us to draw closer to God. We really have two choices when it comes to rejection: pull away from God or draw closer. If we viewed rejection as an invitation to draw closer to the Lord, I think we would not only experience restoration, but we would gain insight into how He wants to use it for good.
  4. You realize that you can survive rejection. I think we sometimes fear rejection because we think it will destroy us. After you live through rejection – and remain standing – it seems to become less and less scary. This can have an impact on how we interact with others as well. The less we fear being rejected, the more we are able to be vulnerable and open.
  5. It pushes you to pursue other passions. I can honestly say that I would not have pursued some passion in my life had it not been for a relationship ending. Rejection can motivate us to find what makes us come alive and go after it during the process of healing.
  6. It means you are one step closer to finding ‘the one.’ There can be tension during dating as each person is trying to figure out if the other is someone he/she can commit to long-term. If rejected, it eliminates any wonder or confusion about whether or not the relationship is right. Sorting your way through the wrong ones leads to the right one!

While rejection can cause a lot of pain, it doesn’t have to destroy you! If you are dealing with rejection, it’s important to remain grounded in who the Lord says you are. His word always trumps any negative voice in our lives!

Categories
Communication Marriage

5 Things I Did To Push My Husband Away

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By Stephanie M. Brown
I lived in denial about my part in my husbands’ infidelity.  I was in denial about my part in pushing him away.  I was in denial about my need to take responsibility for my choices for my life so that I could move forward with the big destiny that God was calling me to walk in.
I remember the first time my husband stayed out all night.  I was frantic with worry.  I called the police department.  The hospitals.  I called every number I could think of and each time I was relieved to not hear them verify his name.  And with each passing moment, my anxiety of his whereabouts grew and grew.  When he finally showed up, he was so calm and casual.   To my horror, this type of  activity became a major existence of my life with him.  I turned into a miserable, angry, bitter woman.  
Adultery doesn’t just ‘happen’.  Adultery occurs because a series of progressively enticing thoughts (and possibly actions) occur over time.  Scripture clearly tells us that our sin is a result of what we have entertained in our minds.  Temptation comes from what we already desire.    
Things did not change though.  The more hurt, anger, bitterness and rage that I displayed towards him, the more distant, uncaring and unfeeling he displayed towards me.  It was a nightmare that I was fully awake to and lived through. What I am about to share with you are 5 unhelpful things that I did to ‘tear down my own house with my own hands’.  What I am hoping that you will do is take advantage of this tuition-free knowledge.
Mistake #1: I did not support his goals for the family.
He had a goal of saving a certain amount of money and then I would stop working.  I trivialized his goal.  I minimized it.  I mocked it.  In fact, I fought him because I wanted control.  This all communicated to him disrespect and a lack of support.    
Mistake #2: I did not respect or trust his judgement as a leader of our home.
I had at my disposal a large sum of money.  We were evaluating a real estate deal during the time shortly before the real estate boom in Florida.  In short, we could have acquired a really nice home on a corner lot for little to nothing in comparison to the worth.  But because I did not understand real estate, I did not trust the person bringing the deal and I did not trust my husband’s judgement I disagreed with the deal.  After all, it was ‘MY MONEY’ so we did not do the deal.  
Mistake #3: I turned him down for sex on a regular basis.
I did not understand my role as his wife and the super importance of sex in a man’s life.  The only legitimate way (before God) for sex is within the covenant of marriage.  I did not grasp the fact that my body is the only ‘store open’ for him for sex.  There is no other legitimate place for him to go.  So, when I turned him down or wasn’t ‘into it’ or made excuses not to, it left him starving – literally.  
Mistake #4: I disrespected him in front of his family and the kids.
I pretty regularly would say things that undermined his manhood in front of his family and our children.  I am now aware that I learned this bad habit from the home I grew up in.  I am not excusing my behavior, but I am explaining it to you.  In short, I emasculated him on a regular basis.  
Mistake #5:I did not do anything to make him feel loved.
I was led to read the story of Hosea and Gomer.  I had always had misgivings about reading the story because I heard it was about a prophet who was married to a prostitute and God required the prophet to stay with the prostitute.  It was through this study that I realized that although my husband did many things (albeit things not in my love language) to make me feel loved, I didn’t do anything to make him feel loved.  My bitterness produced this negativity.  
What I learned about me….
‣ It wasn’t until I took responsibility for my part in the destruction of my marriage that I could even have an open pathway to forgiveness and eventually healing.
‣I had trust issues long before I married my husband.
‣I had no idea what a healthy marriage looked like or how to build one.
If you see yourself in any of these negative behaviors, for the love of God –STOP.  Get help.  Heal.  I understand you may be hurting, but please know that you are not the only one hurting.  There is collateral damage around you.
This is an excerpt from my e-book.  if you would like the full version, you can find it here —> bit.ly/turnhubby

Stephanie is an Arkansas native, now self-proclaimed “Florida girl,” Stephanie has been in the Tampa Bay area for over 20 years.  Presently, she is separated from her husband of 21 years, the mother of 4 and the full-time caregiver to her mother who is living with Alzheimers.  She is a Freedom Coach with Grow Women which she founded in 2012.  She encourages women to dig up their confidence and helps them find freedom through forgiveness. She earned an MBA in marketing and has 25+ years in sales, marketing, coaching and entrepreneurial training.  She recently hosted the well received 2016 Tampa Bay’s Black Marriage Day Community Conversation ~ Real Talk about Money, Infidelity and God.  

 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

Three Negative Effects of Over-Familiarity in Marriage

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Everyone loves that “falling in love” feeling. Every song, scent, and sunset reminds you of your significant other. I remember, before she was my wife, we would take walks together and I would return to our trail the next day and look for her footprints in the sand from the day before. I fell in love with her sweet nature, her beautiful singing voice, and her deep and profound thoughts.
I was enraptured by the way she thoughtfully contemplated each and every word that she was going to say. I loved seizing every opportunity to hold her hand, or bless with her dinner, or stay on the phone until midnight. What I didn’t expect was that the feeling of love isn’t a permanent fixture on a relationship.
Love is so much more than Cloud 9. What happens when the seasons of life come and two people who are still fully committed to their marriage become familiar?
Because it happens—the longing and nostalgia become mixed into the tumult of daily living when two become one. Don’t be devastated when you find yourself getting annoyed by what was previously adorable. The warm blanket sensation of being in love is not love. It is a pleasant byproduct of love, but that is not love, itself.
But there’s also a risk of getting too familiar with our spouse. Jesus could not do miracles in Nazareth because his kinsmen and neighbors only saw the “carpenter’s son,” not God’s Son. (Matthew 13:57-58)
Here are three risks of becoming over-familiar:

  1. I may take my spouse’s strengths for granted. After 10 years of marriage, my wife’s adorable, pensive pauses in conversation can drive me wild when I get into “business mode” and want simple yes/no answers to yes/no questions. “Just answer the question! Today, please!” But my wife doesn’t think like that and I need to remember how valuable her ability to process her thoughts really is. When she speaks, her words don’t come out with claws or ambiguity. Her speech is seasoned with salt. (See Colossians 4:6)
  1. I may overlook all the new things God is doing. If I “put my wife in a box,” and always expect her to act, think, and feel the same things every time, I may miss out on amazing transformations that God is doing in her heart—all because I’m expecting her to do things the way she’s always done it. Unfortunately, over-familiarity has the tendency to blind us to the new, because we stay fixated on the old.
  1. I may lower my future expectations. “This is my spouse, warts and all. This is the way he/she will always be.” Over-familiarity may prevent us from dreaming with God about all that He has created our spouse to be.

What do we do with when we find ourselves getting over-familiar?

  1. Ask questions. You haven’t heard it all. Beyond asking about his or her day, find out what moved your spouse. What angered your spouse? Remember the talks you and your spouse used to have? Talking had a lot do with it.
  1. Go out. Get away from the daily grind. Remove yourself from the routine and just have fun together. As much as I love watching my wife as a mom, friend, sister, or daughter, I also love watching her disengage from busyness and just be Sarah. I discover, even re-discover beauty I had forgotten was even there.
  1. Travel down memory lane. My wife and I love to break out the wedding album or video and stroll down memory lane. We laugh until we cry (and then cry until we’re dry) as we reminisce about how much we’ve grown and changed, and how we’re still grateful to be together.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

No Sex Until Marriage?: The 3 People You Will Need Help From

Shy woman and man sitting on sofa couch next each other. First date. Attractive girl and handsome guy meeting dating and trying to talk. Male touching picking up female. Instagram filtered.

I am so proud of you. I don’t care about your past or even your last night, I simply care about your tomorrow. Abstaining from sex until marriage is one of the best ways to guard your heart and mind from attaching to someone before its appropriate time.
A man can put a condom on to protect you from an STD or pregnancy, but there is nothing to protect your heart, which is just as important.
If this is your desire for your dating relationship then there are 3 people you must have to assist you in this amazing goal. You can’t believe the hype that you can do this alone.

  1. An Agreeing Partner

Yes, your partner is the first most important person that must be on board with abstaining from sex until marriage. People always ask us when is it a good time to let a potential person know that you are desiring to wait until marriage to have sex. We tell them as soon as things are beginning to turn serious or once there has been a communicated intention of progressing towards a committed relationship. If that person doesn’t also share the same desire then you may want to reconsider moving forward. Abstaining from sex is a core value that must be agreed by both parties. If only one person agrees and the other person doesn’t, you will not be able to have a healthy dating relationship because the other person will just be waiting until you give in on that one special night.
2. An Inspiring Mentor
A mentor is someone that is NOT your friend. A friend is peer-level, but a mentor is someone you look up to. This could be an older married couple or someone from your church that has the ability and desire to see you make it to the altar without giving into the desire to have sex. A mentor is someone that agrees with you and your partner’s goal and will be consistent to check in with you throughout your dating process. To acquire someone like this is just a simple ask.

  1. A Strong Friend

This is the 2nd most important person that will give you the encouragement you need to stay strong during your season of dating to not give into the temptation to have sex. A strong friend is one that is not going to waver and will continue to keep you accountable for every action you make. They will not be easy on you and you must allow them access into every detail in order for this relationship to work to its full capacity. If you do fall short or come close to falling then this person will encourage you but also discuss the situation to see how to prevent it from happening again. You need a strong friend.
My wife and I were able to abstain from sex our entire dating process and it was one of the best decisions we made. We both had these 3 types of people in our lives that were able to walk with us to ensure we didn’t give into the temptation to awaken love before we said, “I Do” to one another. You can do it too. No matter where you find yourself right now. It’s okay to start over today and make that commitment to God and yourself. I promise it will be worth it.

Categories
Communication Engaged Home

10 Decisions You Need to Make With Your Future Spouse Before Marriage

Couple having picnic on beach

There are certain things that need to be agreed upon before marriage. These are decisions that will not change no matter what. Having an agreement on these unshakable truths will help one better navigate their marriage especially in hardships. Here are some decisions you and your future spouse can come in agreement with before marriage:

  1. Divorce is not an option, therefore, it will not come out of our mouths.
  2. We will never stand in the way of each of our love and pursuit for God.
  3. We will encourage and support each other in walking out the call of God on each of our lives.
  4. We will never speak negatively of each other in public.
  5. We will always work on our issues and get help when we need it.
  6. We will teach our kids to walk with God and put him first.
  7. We will not hide secrets as they are an open door to the enemy.
  8. We will always pursue each other and our love.
  9. We will extend grace and forgive over and over.
  10. We will celebrate each other’s success and walk with each other during defeats.

Categories
Communication Finances Marriage

2 Ways To Get Your Spouse On Board With Your Business Dreams

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Categories
Dating/Courting Single

What I Wish I Would Have Known Prior to Marriage

Entering into my third year of marriage and having the opportunity to speak, encourage and minister to singles on a daily and weekly basis. I have come to the realization that if I had the info that I have now per how to “Become the One” for my future spouse, there would have been two areas in which I would have put more energy, prayer and time into. I pray these areas encourage you to dig a little deeper and get guidance in if you are lacking any!
Healing Of Your Soul– This is an area in which I wish I would have taken the time to get healing in.Your soul is comprised of your mind, will and emotions. So much of who we are is effected by what has taken place in these three areas of our soul. In each area we should strive to get healing and restoration in if we are lacking wholeness. How do you know if you are lacking wholeness in your soul? You have no peace, you’re bitter, angry, you lack love, are insecure, selfish, you lack identity and purpose. These are just a few roots in which you will recognize if you are in need of healing in your soul. Once I got married, I realized that I had not taken a season to really dig into the deep issues of my heart to receive insight, wisdom and healing to help me become aware and even more sensitive to the season in which I was in so that I could be a better helpmate for my spouse. Psalms 50:15 “And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
Mentorship– Mentorship was a foreign word to me when I was unmarried. I was brought up in a community in which it was not truly seen as being necessary or imperative for healthy development per becoming a whole woman both spiritually and naturally. I look back at my season of preparation and I see that if I had someone in my life who was successful in an area in which I desired to grow and mature in, I would have excelled both spiritually and naturally. It is necessary for you to have someone who is able to see the potential in you when you do not see it. Someone who is called to you, your life and season! 1 Thessalonians 2:8 “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.
Even though I lacked the “fullness” of these two areas prior to marriage, God has remained faithful and has allowed me to walk through deliverance and be surrounded by amazing mentors and women who exemplify and exude grace, beauty and power! So if you are married it is not too late to walk in WHOLENESS and for God to bring you a mentor who will push you in more ways than one! If you are unmarried really ask the Lord to bring healing to your mind, will and emotions and pray for the Lord to send you a woman or man who will help pray, push and accelerate you into your God given purpose.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

How Long Is Too Long to Wait Until He Proposes?

This question is very solid and whether you are currently engaged, dating, or single the answer to this question will help you tremendously for when it is time to cross this bridge.Time is a very important commodity not only in relationship, but also in life in general. It is through time that things have the opportunity to mature, develop, and evolve granting the ability to make sound decisions.
Even God understands the power of time and seasons. We find the Bible stating in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.”
In relationships timing is basically everything. Something done too soon could ruin the potential of that thing, but also something done too late could also have an equal amount of damage.
Now, hear me when I say this. There is no one size fits all in regards to timing for the decision to marry.
What does that mean? You cannot base your timeline on someone else’s timeline. Now, is there a such thing as to long?
Yes.
But, is everyone’s to long measuring stick going to be the same?
No.
My wife and I were engaged after only 4 months of dating and married 6 months later. I didn’t use anyone else’s relationship as the measuring stick, but simply used wisdom as the measuring stick.I knew she was the right one for me and we both were in the right season to make that commitment. This is after receiving the peace and permission from God, her parents, my pastor, my parents, and my close friends. I believe strongly in community.
A man that knows what he wants will make it happen and will communicate his intentions to you.
A man that isn’t ready for marriage will find every excuse in the book to prolong the decision for marriage. This is why you must guard your heart, mind, and body until he fully earns all access to you by putting a ring on your finger.
The greatest key to eliminate any form of confusion during your dating process is communication. My wife and I were able to have a serious conversation about our future, while I was still able to keep an element of surprise for when I proposed.
 
I always say, when you see those marriage proposals gone bad it’s because there was no communication prior to that moment.
 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

3 Prerequisites to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

Serious couple talking in home interior. Focus on woman

3 Prerequisites to Improve Communication in Your Relationship
A few hours to days have gone by and the chemistry in the home is not quite right. Something happened, words were exchanged and the communication has currently deteriorated. You don’t feel like talking but you know you need to, and if you didn’t know, well you need to (Ephesians 4:26). Communication is absolutely key to a strong healthy relationship.
One clue that my husband was the one was our effortless communication. Since the very first conversation, communication between us came easy. ‘Til this day it’s still one of our strengths. Conversation was never awkward or forced and I was always comfortable being myself. Our communication always honored God and it was fruitful for the both of us.
In order to protect what we have, periodically, we need to reset by having a “talk”. “Can we talk?” one of us will usually initiate.
I encourage every couple to have a “talk” occasionally, as needed. There are times in marriage when the oneness can become shaky and a simple mature conversation could be the remedy.  It’s healthy to express love and emotions through words regularly. However, bad communication can produce bad consequences. Just as easy as it is to build and strengthen your relationship with your words, you can easily destroy it with words as well.
In order to prevent a “talk” gone wrong, it important to enter the conversation with the right heart and use wise tactics. Here are 3 prerequisites you should have before your next ‘talk’:
1.A Desire to Please God. Pleasing God should be our highest goal in life (2 Cor. 5:9). When entering a conversation with our spouse we should also keep in mind that we are accountable to God for everything we communicate (Matt. 12:36). If our greatest desire is to please Him, even when we’re upset, we’ll be more mindful of our choice of words and communication efforts.
 
2. Humility. When having a “talk” with our spouse, we may hear some things about ourselves that may be hard to receive. This will require humility (Eph. 4:1-3). Your spouse is the closest one to you,  they’ll be able to recognize things about yourself you may overlook. Your spouse can also help you recognize any wrong use of counter-productive means of communication!
 
3. Prefer to Listen. Although I call this conversation the “talk,” you should actually prefer to listen. You may be tempted to just say what you have to say, however, scripture encourages us to be swift to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). You must know how to listen (Proverbs 18:13) by not interrupting or formulating what you are going to say while your spouse is talking.
It’s important to God for us to have good communication in our relationships. Problems can be clarified and resolved, wrong ideas can be corrected, forgiveness and trust is exercised easier and good decision-making follows. Be sure to examine your heart and intentions before your next “talk.”

Categories
Home Single

3 Ways to Capture A "GOOD" Man's Interest

Where all the good men at?  How many times have you heard that statement?  If I had a dollar for each time I heard it, my rent would be covered next month…ok, maybe not.  Anywho, my response to that question is “What are you doing to attract a “Good” man?”
The other day I was reading the story of Rachel and Leah, literally rolling in my floor, and I was reminded that to get a “GOOD” man, you have to have “GOOD” bait (so to speak). Rachel managed to get a man to work 14 years for her! How! How the heck did she captivate Jacob so much to the point where he was willing to work for her love….for 14 years?  Though we may never know the answer, if we pay close attention, there are three qualities Rachel possessed that I believe every single woman desiring a “GOOD” man should possess as well.
Stand Out
Gen 29:9  “While he was still talking with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep, for she was a shepherd.”
Not many women in the Bible were shepherds, but Rachel was!  Whether intentional or unintentional, Rachel did what many women weren’t, thus capturing the attention of Jacob.
What are you doing differently? Are you following the crowd or making your own path? Unfortunately when you’re doing what everyone else is doing, you blend in! No “GOOD” man desires a replica of what’s already out there, to my knowledge they desire someone that’s “one of a kind”.
Be Pleasing to the Eye
Gen 29:17 Leah had weak[a] eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful.
Ladies!!!! Ladies!!! Ladies!!!! I beg of you to look like something when you leave your home, no matter where you are going! Having an older bother and several older cousins, I’ve learned that men are EXTREMELY visual!  Very few “GOOD” men want women who leave the house in their bonnets and are unkept. If you want to get noticed, look like something worth looking at.
Beauty goes far beyond the outward appearance; you must beautify your heart as well! No man, “GOOD” or “BAD” wants a woman who is bitter, angry and disrespectful!
Be Chased, Don’t Chase
Gen 29:27 Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.
After working seven years, Jacob was given Leah, but he still had a desire for Rachel; Jacob worked another 7 years to get what he wanted! A “GOOD” man will do the same! Maybe not seven years, but he will go after what he wants. Not once did we see Rachel running after Jacob. She allowed him to pursue her. When a “GOOD” man wants something, you don’t have to throw yourself at him, he’ll let you know if he wants you or not by his pursuit alone.
Take it from Rachel, it pays to be different, beautiful and patient! It won her a man who was madly in love with her! There are “GOOD” men out there! Make sure your bait matches your desired catch!
XOXO,
Shannon