Month: April 2014

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Engaged Marriage

5 Guaranteed Ways to Get the Most Out of Your Spouse

When reading the title of this blog, I am sure it is guaranteed to raise eyebrows. Well, allow me to explain. After being married for 8 years, I have learned a lot from doing marriage my way or the way I was taught by my parents or lack thereof.
Once we exchange rings and the fanfare is over, we become quickly acquainted with the ‘real’ person you married. Don’t get me wrong! I am quite sure many of you know a lot about your spouse prior to saying ‘I Do’.
However, I am pretty sure you find out a lot more once you are living together as a married couple. Maybe you didn’t know he was lazy or maybe you didn’t know she was terrible with money. Well,  I have developed a few techniques that will help you get the most out of your spouse.

  1. Assess his/her weaknesses – I am sure that after you left the honeymoon and moved in you are beginning to notice behaviors or weaknesses in your spouse. The areas that your spouse is weak in offer to assist in those areas.
  2. Pray for Development – Ask God to teach you to pray for your spouse. After all, God is her Father and he knows the way to her heart better than you. Trust his guidance as you pray for your spouse. You are her biggest intercessor. Pray that she grows in these areas of her life.
  3. Affirmation – Be sure to affirm the areas they are strong in.
  4. Handling their mistakes – Be patient when they makes mistakes. Use these as opportunities to demonstrate to your spouse that you want to help and that they don’t have to do it alone. Also, don’t forget to encourage them to try again.
  5. Develop a vision for your spouse – What do you want to see materialize in his/her life, career, spiritual life. Once you get a vision for your spouse, invest in it! Purchase books! Give them training ideas! Lend you ear to your spouse passions and seek out ways to fulfill them!

Finally, MOTIVATE, MOTIVATE, MOTIVATE!
There is much power in a praying, comforting, reassuring spouse. The end result is a spouse that has the courage to tackle every challenge. As she sees you going out of your way for her. She will go out of her way for you!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Choosing the ONE or the WILL? Part 2 | Dr. Matthew Stevenson

I love you. Amazed surprised positive African American couple sitting in the cafe and being covered with a blanket while getting engaged
(This is part 2 of part 1 – to read part 1, click here!)
1. The WRONG debate for the Christian is whether or not a person is the ONE. The RIGHT debate, is whether or not the person is THE WILL!
For decades arguments have been made, about there only being ONE person on the planet for everyone. This is irrational for obvious reasons. However, every Christian knows, or should know, that God has an opinion about EVERY decision we make in life.
Psalms 139 establishes Godʼs perfect knowledge of man and opinion about His existence . God has an opinion about EVERYTHING we do in life. INCLUDING who we are romantically interested in. Itʼs ironic that we believe Godʼs opinion about our bodies with regard to sickness and disease ( the common belief is that He wants us healed) but we shun the thought, that God cares about who we choose to sleep with and make children with, both things that have to do with our bodies.
Typical theological inconsistencies common to the average Christian. When a Christian notices, there is an initial attraction or draw towards another person in a romantic tone, the next several weeks should be spent NOT just getting to know the person, but also getting to know Godʼs opinion about you joining in a covenant before Him with that person.
If marriage is to glorify God, the parties doing it should be concerned about that as well. Therefore, God has a WILL for who you should pursue, BUT it is ultimately your choice.
2. Christians, in their discovery and decision making about potential mates should NEVER consider unbelievers OR weak Christians as marriage potential!
Yes, you read right. Here is the thing, there are scriptural guidelines for believers who are married to non believers. God gives us frameworks for our decision making, but it DOESNT mean that itʼs His will for our lives, purpose and calling. The Bible is clear about Christians being unequally yoked. I think we should delve into what this means.
To be unequally yoked is obviously a matter of salvation, but has to ALSO be a matter of quality of Christian life. Christians who marry unbelievers are susceptible to to the same stresses, traumas, devastations and pointless cycles of pain when he marries an immature Christian.
We all know that a ʻprofession of faithʼ at an altar, is only the beginning of a person’s salvation process. Being fair, and balanced, I will say, if you are interested in a person who is not as mature spiritually as you are but you believe is the will of God, then the wisdom of God is to NOT marry until that person has demonstrated a commitment towards spiritual maturity.
Lets look in the scriptures;
1 Cor 7: 15
15. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
Why do you think this was Paul’s advice knowing that in marriage God HATES divorce? Acknowledging the right of every human being to make a DECISION to marry is present here, but clearly, Paul does not fight for endurance in a relationship that may take a turn for the worse! That says a lot Why? probably because it wasn’t beneficial to be married to such a one to begin with.
So, Marriage to an unbeliever or a weak christian is NOT sin! But it is NOT profitable for the Believer desiring to please and pursue God.
1 Cor 7: 39
In the context of rules regarding marriage amongst believers Paul says;
“39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; ONLY IN THE LORD”
Paul’s command was clearly that marriage be done ONLY in the Lord. If you think about it, what is Marriage or Dating without the Lord really WORTH? The answer for the spirit filled believer is….Not much. Some luck up, but not many.
Regarding a Weak Christian, being a suitable Mate, Well, the answer to that is in Paul’s use of the term YOKE.
2nd Corinthians 6:14; KJV
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Paul establishes Marriage as a YOKE situation. We mainly get by with the unbeliever portion, but being true to text, we must look beyond the surface of this scripture. It is plainly impossible for believers to be equally yoked with unbelievers. Now, we must see if its possible to be unequally yoked with a believer; Well, lets let scripture interpret scripture.
The word YOKE is used by Paul in another text in Phillipians 4:3
“And I intreat thee also, true yokefellow, help those women which laboured with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and with other my fellow labourers, whose names are in the book of life”
In these scriptures the word YOKE, YOKE FELLOE and LABORER carry the same greek meanings. Let’s see;
Yoke; Greek ZYGOS-zygós – properly, a yoke; a wooden bar placed over the neck of a pair of animals so they can pull together; (figuratively) what unites (joins) two people to move (work) together as one. Or, unites two elements to work as one unit, like when two pans (weights) operate together on a balance-scale – or a pair of oxen pulling a single plough.]
The thought, YOKE is a WORK term. Paul is describing that we should be YOKED together with people who can WORK and PULL at the same strength level. So, to be unequally yoked, means to be have one partner with a tighter TIE than the other, OR one with a heavier WORK burden than the other. This is not referring to ministry, but SERVICE to the Lord.
Paul is communicating, that when Married, the work of the Lord or purpose of the Lord for a life should be priority. So the question is, can a WEAK Christian PULL at the same rate, speed and strength as a mature one? The answer…..You decide.
What’s the summary?
God has an opinion and preference for your romantic attraction.
He has designed a mate that will be pleasing to you.  He hasn’t designed something that you wont like.
Marriage is YOUR decision 100% but can be influenced by more sources than God. As a devout Christian, this should concern you.
The point; Do what you want in your dating life, BUT expect pain, when it doesn’t include God’s WILL or WAY.
God will HONOR your decision and commitment to the institution, but you and your children will have to LIVE with the consequences of choosing beneath your lane.
CHOOSE WISELY!!!!
Click here to read part 1!

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5 Must Do's When Stress is Getting Real

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Ask Dr. Faith | 4 Key Areas Marriage Counselors Overlook

One of the main issues I see when counseling couples is that they either did not have pre-marital counseling or the counseling they received was subpar. In this article I am going to share 4 areas that every premarital counseling should cover.
1. Equally yoked– It is so important for the counselor to asses if the couple is equally yoked, this does not mean do they both go to church. Differences in expressions of worship, understanding of the spiritual gifts, understanding the role of faith are some of the common problems that lead to many arguments for couples. If individuals come from different denominations it is important to discuss how they plan to work out the differences. A plan for church attendance, church involvement and raising up children in Godly environment and how much time will be spent in ministry and church should all be discussed thoroughly. One main issue I have seen are people who are very spiritual in terms of their disciplines, prayer, fasting, and worship, marry someone who is not. These differences cause a strain on the relationship, often times because the one spouse wishes the other could join them. These major differences make it difficult when one person is going after God and the other is going in a different direction.
 
2. Mental health issues– It is so important before couples even get engaged to discuss mental health issues as well as physical health issues that they may have or those that run in their family. In spiritual settings we often discuss generational issues or curses, but not everything is spiritual, sometimes there might be some chemical imbalances or a genetic predisposition present in family members that may later impact the other spouse or their children. It is really important to assess all these things and make a decision with ones eyes wide open going into marriage.
 
3. Temperament Styles-  God uniquely created each of us, our temperament is our natural disposition towards life, others, God and work, stress etc. There are different types of temperament tests that even a lay man can learn how to administer and interpret. I give a simple one that breaks the temperaments into four categories: sanguine, melancholy, choleric, and phlegmatic, you can read what each of these mean at fourtemprements.com. No one is one temperament, for an example I am a choleric sanguine my husband is a melancholy choleric, we are opposites at melancholy and sanguine. Melancholies are introverted in nature, thinkers, emotional, sensitive and sometimes pessimistic. Sanguines are full of life, colorful, busy and very optimistic. My husband and I being opposite in these areas creates a beautiful balance. We meet at the choleric temperament; we are both visionaries, go getters, focused, and opinionated. Every couple should have some things in common and some things that are opposites this helps create a healthy balance and growth between each other. If you or you and your spouse would love to take the test and get an interpretation please email us at info@askdoctorfaith.com.
 
4. Vision mapping- Most counselors and pastors will have couples share their vision for their marriage. When it comes to writing a vision it is important that both couples are able to share individual visions as well as a 5 year and 10 year vision plans for their family.  The three areas of a couple’s vision that must be covered are faith-spiritual goals, family-goals for the marriage, kids and then finances. Often times these are major areas of contention later in marriage so to have a visual map helps direct you as a couple. I suggest couples reviewing their vision every year and adjusting accordingly.
Several other areas that some counselors/pastors that cannot be skipped are intimacy expectations, child rearing plans, protocol with family members, willingness to move and relocate and expectations for marriage.
I suggest that every person if they are able to get individual counseling at some point, especially if they are getting married. Some counselors may not have a thorough understanding of relationship dynamics as well as possible maladaptive behaviors in relationships, so if possible get a second opinion.

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Engaged Marriage

The "S" Word

By Disa Badillo,
This is a topic that many view as controversial but it is a topic that can either make or break marriages. Submission. A lot of people, especially women, cringe at that word. Submission in marriage gets such a bad rep these days. I know some people abuse what submission is actually supposed to be, but in order to have a marriage God’s way, as women we must be willing to submit even if we feel our husbands aren’t doing their part. We tend to say “I’ll submit when he does xy&z”. Instead of doing that let’s focus on us and what we can do better. Allow your husband to see the God in you and allow God to work on him. A quiet, gentle spirit brings about change in your man way quicker than nagging ever could.
Being a newlywed, I understand how hard it can be to submit to your husband. We have been taught to be independent and to speak our minds. Society says “It’s 2014…what do you mean I need to submit?” TV shows view submission as weakness. Everywhere you turn, you hear about how you don’t need to submit. But God’s Word remains the same no matter what people say, no matter how society changes, no matter what year it is. The Bible says that we are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21). Reverence means “deep respect for someone or something.” So out of deep respect for Christ, we are supposed to submit to one another…that includes men submitting to their wives as well, but I will get to that later. Right now, I want to focus on women.
As women, we are called to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). What I have learned is, we can’t submit to our husbands if we have never submitted to God. When I was single, I studied submission and the roles of a wife in biblical terms so that I could be ready when that day comes that I am a wife. I remember God saying, “How can you submit to your husband when you don’t even submit to me or your earthly father?” I remember it hit me hard. I never liked for people to tell me what to do, how to dress, how to wear my hair, or anything like that. I would rebel. God told me that if you rebel while you’re single, you will rebel while you’re married.  I needed that kick in the butt. How often do we disregard authority because we don’t agree to the rules? How often do we roll our eyes at our parents when they tell us to do things we don’t like? Submission starts long before you are married (that is for all my single people reading this). If you are married and are having a tough time with submission, it is okay. It is never too late to start.
So what does submitting to Christ look like?
Submitting to Christ is obeying God’s word. It is including Him in every aspect of your life. It is listening to those nudges and convictions He gives you. Submitting to Christ means respecting Him. This is also what submitting to your husband should look like because out of deep respect for Christ, we are to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord. Submission isn’t meant to degrade us as women. It isn’t meant to make us a slave to our man. Submission isn’t meant to be a bad thing. Humans can make it bad, but that is not God’s plan. Do not stand for abuse…EVER! That is not love. That is not what submission is. Period. If you are in an abusive situation, seek help. I promise that is not God’s plan for your life. You are worth so much more than that.
What submission comes down to is love and respect. Husbands need to love their wives and wives need to respect their husbands. When I see women disrespect their husbands and talk to them any kind of way, especially in public, my heart hurts. We all need affirmation but especially men. I see that man being emasculated each time his wife lays down the law. Allow your husband to lead you. That is his role as a man…as a husband. Can it be hard? Yes. But with God, ALL things are possible.
This brings me to the men. The bible doesn’t only talk about women submitting. It says to submit to one another…so men have a role in submission too. Men submit to their wives by loving them like Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25). You are one with your wife. You wouldn’t disrespect yourself or beat yourself or demean yourself…so don’t do it to your wife. Love her. Cherish her. She is your crown. She is your treasure. The bible says in Proverbs “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” One translation says he who finds a wife finds a treasure. A treasure is precious. A treasure is to be handled with care. A treasure is your wife. She is your crown. Treat her as such. Don’t take your role as leader and abuse it. You should be your wife’s protector. She shouldn’t need protection from you.
I want to leave you with the The Message Translation of Ephesians 5:21-33. I hope it helps you. The Word is life changing if you let it change your life.
“Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.”

Disa is a newlywed to her best friend whom she wedded December 14, 2013. Having gone through a lot in her teenage years, she has the heart and passion for today’s youth and showing them that Christ’s way is the best way. She writes on her personal blog to encourage others and show just how faithful God is and is truly honored and humbled to be able to contribute to Married & Young. Although she went to Houston Baptist University on a track scholarship, she didn’t truly find Christ and develop a relationship with Him until her last semester before graduating with a BBA in Marketing. Having an entrepreneurial spirit and a passion for planning events, she is now opening her own Wedding and Event planning company and hopes to provide stress free planning and memories that will last a lifetime for her clients. As a newlywed, she enjoys spending time with her husband and experiencing new things with him.

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Women It's Not Your Job to Find Your Husband

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22 ESV)
If the word of God tells us “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD”, why does a large population of Christian women believe it is their responsibility to go out and find a man/husband? Society’s belief is that if a woman is not dating or in a relationship, something is wrong with her. Women who are dating are most certainly in the spotlight and the talk of headlines. The same can be said in today’s churches.
Dating seems like the popular thing to do and many women have become desperate to go out and find them someone to date or to make their husband because they are believed to be insignificant without a man. We often see Christian women entering into unhealthy relationships, relationships with men who they are unequally yoked with, or in relationships before they are prepared for a commitment (prepared meaning understanding their identity in Christ, their purpose, how to have healthy relationships and the basics of becoming a wife).
They have lost the need to become prepared to enter into a covenant relationship and to wait on God to send a man who is in the will of God for their life. It is common to see Christian women dating men who do not belong to a local church, are not passionate about God and in many cases do not have a personal relationship with Jesus at all. So many women have become discouraged.
They don’t believe the right man will ever find them and feel they will be unmarried for the rest of their life. In efforts to make sure that this does not become their reality, they take drastic measures of settling for men who they were never intended to enter into relationships with or go out seeking to find anyone who may be available.
The common questions that Christian women are often plagued with is “Where is my Boaz?” and “When will I find him?” They are looking for the church, prophetic words, friends, family, media, society or whoever has the answer to this question. The answer is simple, WHEN YOU STOP LOOKING FOR HIM! If women do not use the word of God as a standard for their lives, their relationships will resemble those of the world.
The word of God is perfectly clear, “He who finds a wife”, not she who finds a husband!  This means as women we are not to go out searching for men (saved or unsaved) to date or marry.  It is the man’s job to choose his wife. As the intended head of the relationship/marriage/family it is important that he takes the lead in choosing his wife by first making sure he is spiritually, naturally, emotionally, physically and financially prepared and has spiritual discernment to find the woman who is capable of being his helpmate. If the woman pursues him the foundation of the relationship could be built upon her serving as the head of the relationship, which was never intended by God.
There was purpose in God creating Adam before Eve. Adam’s role was to lead her; however when we review Genesis chapter 3, Eve took on the leadership role in the relationship in which she was never created to do. Instead of submitting to the voice of God and her husband, her actions were influenced by the serpent/Satan.
This caused their roles to be reversed and instead of Adam leading his wife to follow God’s instructions, Eve lead her husband into disobedience and dishonor to God. Not only did both Adam and Eve suffer from not standing in their rightful roles, their seed suffered later. Just like there was purpose in God’s intention for Adam to lead Eve, there is purpose in why God instructed men to search out, find and lead their wives…not the other way around.
Unmarried women I encourage you to redirect your time and energy used to search for a man/husband and transfer it into seeking the Lord! “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and
his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33).
Ladies, seek the Lord, invest in your growth and development and in His timing he will position you right where you need to be in order to be found by the man who is the will of God for your life. Gentlemen, it is also imperative that you seek the Lord in order to receive his instructions concerning your life.
On your journey to finding your true identity in the Lord, he will show you where to find your future wife. Unmarried believers, your hope, trust and faith concerning your future should be in Christ Jesus…. not in the media, entertainment or this world! Let Christ be your GPS to guide you to your future!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Choosing the ONE or the WILL? Part 1 | Dr. Matthew Stevenson

young couple in conflict, male with a tablet in hands
Well, this article is probably going to be among the most controversial youʼve probably read on the subject of marriage and dating. There have been so many perspectives published about Christians and the process of dating and marriage. The point of view highlighted in this article is a sound theological foundation for why God should be extremely involved in the process all together and should involve more than “ I want Him or HER”
Over the years, several camps have established views about what should be an appropriate selection process for the Christian pursuing a relationship with the opposite sex. Some of it was scriptural, much of it was social and other parts of it was carnal. To balance it, some diluted the subject manner all together and took on the idea, that God or His opinion should be subject to the desire of the one pursuing the dating relationship. To the desperate or the half hearted, this article is going to annoy you, hopefully, into another level of submission to God. So, lets start to bring some clarity and resolve some dating controversies.
The major discussion over the years has been over wether or not there is only 1 person on the earth for each person. The terms we use to describe our feelings towards suitable candidates are “ I think he is the ONE” or This could be “IT”. This finality and sense of absoluteness is often the source of much trouble and irrational thinking about the subject all together,
The truth is, God is eternal and all knowing and DOES know who you will marry. The problem is, whether or not that person is HIS best for you. The common notion is, “If I choose him/her, then it has to be God because of my desire” and that is not true.
The other perspective of the discussion is What it really means to be unequally yoked. Is this referring to Salvation alone? Level of spirituality? Denomination or Experience?
These are some of the parameters that the pendulum swings. Here are some perspectives to consider while navigating through the confusion .
1. Dating and Marriage prospects is to the Christian, both a DECISION and a DISCOVERY.
If we use Godʼs original template for marriage (Adam and Eve) we see that God designed a mate suitable for adam. That is STILL the case. What complicates our discovery of the designed one, is that Adam and Eve were at that Juncture, the only two people alive, so the discovery of EVE was a a lot easier. Our world, however, is filled with billions of people making the discovery of the designed one more complex. However, to believe that God deviated, altered or changed His mind on the mate design is heretical.
Genesis 2:18 “And the Lord God said..“I WILL MAKE HIM A HELPER…”
2. Because dating and marriage is a decision, itʼs factors can be dangerous if governed by the heart.
It is not profitable or honoring to God for a spirit filled believer to make a dating decision because of feelings that have developed. Some christians really believe God has to respect our selection in a mate and that is NOT biblical. What God honors is the institution of marriage between a man and a woman as a decision towards covenant. However before that point, there are parameters that the Bible gives believers to to follow. God never intending the dating or marriage process to be led by, influenced by or inflamed by “FEELINGS”. The heart feels a lot of things that don’t honor God. I have witnessed christians make horrible relationship decisions and often fall into cycles of sexual sin because of their ʻFEELINGSʼ for a person. The notion is, “If I have feelings for a person, then God must be involved in it”. This is so far from the truth. Often, when feelings govern the dating process, objective discernment is impossible. Why? Your heart, is NOT trustworthy!!! YES you read that right. Since the beginning of time, Mans attractions has led him into lethal situations. This is why boundaries, counsel and devotion to scriptures are needful before dating, because the heart will take every opportunity to lead a person astray through the easiest medium of romantic interest.
Jeremiah 17:9 “ The heart is DECEITFUL and desperately WICKED ABOVE ALL THINGS..”
There is nothing more deceitful, dishonest, misleading and catastrophic than the activity of the human heart. Therefore its the LAST voice you want to listen to, when pursuing a potential mate. It should be a decision heavily influenced by 1. The Word. 2. The Spirit. 3. The Intelligence. Some marriages just DONT make sense. Intelligence should be used in the process and timing of marriage planning.

Click here to read Part 2!

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Marriage Parenting

4 Things To Learn about Your Children & Parenting

Parenting is probably the most challenging yet rewarding job we will ever be assigned. It will make your stomach hurt from laughter and your head hurt from stress. For some of us it was an unexpected, life altering career change and for others of us it was a planned and welcomed change.
Next to being a wife, being a mom is “IT” for me. My children are my next great love. I have three kids; 2 girls (4 and 6 years old) and a 2 year old son. Contrary to what everyone told me, having two is much different than having one and having three is much different than having two.968879_10151781811041678_527643233_n

  • They all have different personalities. They all like different foods. They are all at different stages of development. And raising a boy is drastically different than raising a girl. There are a lot of parenting techniques and approaches for the “right and wrong” ways to raising kids, but what I have found out is that you have to figure out what works for you and your house, and go with that.

Having multiple children with varying wants and needs has the potential to stress a parent out. How do we nurture their differences, giving each child what they need without neglecting the other children? I am a believer that all children have “quality time” as one of their dominate love languages.

  • I have learned that “family time” is high on my children’s priority list. They don’t care if I make it through the whole episode of one of their shows as long as I start it with them. We “rock out” on the way to school as a family to whatever their favorite song of the day is. We eat together as much as our schedules allow. I am learning to say yes more than I say no when; not always successful, but I try.
  • I have also learned to pick and choose my battles. I give them choices (even my son). If it isn’t going to make a difference I let them decide what vegetables they want to eat for dinner or what outfit they want to wear for the day.
  • I have learned that it is easier to let them have what they want then to fight with them over what I want them to have. I use their ability to make decisions for themselves as moments to teach them about good choices verses bad choices and to celebrate them when they make a decision that has made them proud.

Parenting isn’t always easy but it is definitely worth it when they smile at you and tell you they love you. Everything seems right when you watch them sleep at night and realize that the day may have had its ups and downs but you survived it together.

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Home Marriage

Giving up Is not an Option

What is it about mankind that loves a happy ending? That is joyous about a triumphant victory? That respects real bravery and true endurance? That rejoices when the underdog ends up on top? There is simply something about us that both desires and respects a well-earned beautiful ending, not one that’s easily had, but one that required an enduring fight.  When we see an elderly couple walking hand-in-hand down the street, it brings a smile to our face.
We all want that beautiful testimony, to say we pushed through the hard times and made it to the sweet end. But sometimes in the midst of the storm, it seems easier to walk away then continue fighting. Sometimes it’s tempting to forget what you are even fighting for.
Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done, hands down, no sugar-coating it. I didn’t know I could be so mean or angry or that my heart could hurt so badly. However, I also didn’t know I could laugh so hard or wake up so happy and hopeful. There are ups and downs and there is no way to avoid them. No book, no amount of counseling, and no three-step trick will enable you to completely avoid the struggle and hardships of marriage.
Yes, it would be easier to give up, easier to walk away. Maybe even easier to find someone else and start over. Pain is something most of us don’t handle well and will motivate us to do things we never thought we were capable of doing. But pain is necessary. Every process requires pain. It’s a happy ending because he went to war and came back safely to his bride. It’s a triumphant victory because they were outnumbered and unprepared but still won the battle. The underdog is rooted for and celebrated because he wasn’t supposed to make it to the top, but he did. It’s an overwhelming and underserved grace because he died a painful death for us as an innocent man. The elderly couple evokes our respect and brings a smile to our face because we all know what it took for them to make it this far. We appreciate, respect, and long for things that endured the fight. Yet, when it comes our turn to fight, we are so quick to run and give up when the struggle is exactly what makes the victory so beautiful.
Maybe you just received the worst news of your life. Maybe he’s cheating on you. Maybe she relapsed and is headed back to rehab. Maybe you caught him in a lie again. Maybe she has been lying to you for years. Maybe he just wont give you the love you need. Maybe she just wont give you the respect you desire. Whatever it is, no matter how life-shattering it may seem right now, don’t give up. Marriage is so beautiful and precious because it endures all things and loves to the point of death. A marriage is ruined when it ends in divorce, it loses its beauty and its meaning. You may look around and feel like you are the only one in this struggle, but that is a lie. Every marriage has its struggle and every marriage has its fight. It’s the fight and the process that makes that fruit of your labors taste so sweet.
Unfortunately, I am not here to give you an answer or make the process easier. But what I can tell you is to fight. Fight very hard for your marriage. Dedicate everything you are and everything you have to making it work. Even if it seems too dead or broken to fix, God delights in making possible what we deem impossible. You will never regret fighting for your marriage and your family will reap the blessings for generations to come. So fight on. And you never know, maybe one day you will be the old love birds walking hand-in-hand down the street that inspires some young & married couple to keep fighting.