Learning Your Spouse's Language

I’m sure you’ve heard people say men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  Eh, I disagree.  Those are two completely different planets so in reality if men and women were from different planets the differences would be much greater than just communication.  If we were from different planets we probably couldn’t even reproduce.  It’s more like men are from New York and women are from LA or men are from England and women are from the US.  We’re all speaking English, we’re just speaking in different dialects.  Because the differences can be so vast, it may feel like two different languages.  The trick is to embrace each other’s dialect and resist any urge to classify any of the differences as deficiencies.  Both approaches to the expression of English are equally valid and neither should be altered.  They should be allowed to stay in their purest form.
For instance, if a husband recognizes that his wife requires much more detail than he would normally share he should be patient in learning how to do so.  While if a wife recognizes that her husband’s needs short, bottom line information, she should also be patient in learning to do so.  Of course these are stereotypical examples and your situation could be different so be sure to tailor your approach to your spouse’s needs.
While studying abroad in Mexico I learned a strategy that may prove to be very effective in learning a new language.  I had a friend who was trying to learn English while I was trying to learn Spanish.  I would speak to them in Spanish and they would respond in English to see if we understood each other.  We would then switch languages in order to ensure that we could hear and speak each language properly.  This is how to approach learning to communicate with your spouse.  I’ve been learning to speak “Melissa” this way for seven years.
Just this past Valentines I had an opportunity to practice my “Melissa”.    It was Melissa’s turn to plan our Valentines and typically the activity planned is the gift to both of us, but I decided I would still give Melissa a gift.   I know Melissa loves candy so I decided to get a gift bag and put a bunch of candy in it and I would also drive around town and “collect” some flowers from the apartment complexes in our area since flowers were not in the budget.  I went to the store and purchased the gift bag and the candy.  I decided it would be cool to take all of the candy out of the wrappers and dump them into the bag. This way Melissa could just sit back and enjoy the candy without having to wrestle with the wrappers (I am so considerate).  Now it was time to drive around and collect some flowers, but I couldn’t do it.  The Holy Spirit wouldn’t let me.  Besides, I’d be embarrassed if I was on the news involved in a high-speed chase over some stolen flowers.
I surprised Melissa with the bag of candy and she loved it.  Now It was time to explain to her the story behind the bag of candy. I had two choices, I could speak to her in “Joel” or speak to her in “Melissa”.  If I spoke to her in Joel I would say, “I bought you some candy because you like candy and I was going to give you some flowers but that didn’t work out.”  That would be too easy and I’d just be being lazy if I did that.  So of course I chose to speak in “Melissa”.  I gave her a very detailed version of the story and she loved every detail.  She loved the idea that I took the candy out of the wrapper just for her and she was relieved that I didn’t collect any flowers, but she thought the gesture was nice.
Melissa and I are not yet fluent in each other’s languages.  We often regress to our native tongues.  Every time we choose to speak in our second tongue it’s exciting and it draws us closer to each other.  We find ourselves and each other in the translation.  I leave you with this quote from Johann Wolfgang von Goeth “Those who know nothing of foreign languages know nothing of their own.”