Categories
What It Takes to Raise Children Today
Category: Parenting
Categories
True Meaning of Daddy's Girl
For the past 10 months I have had the pleasure and privilege of staring at the most beautiful child on the planet. Ok, so I am a bit biased because she is both my first and only daughter at this point, and she is freaking adorable.
I say “staring” because literally thats 90% of what I do when I am with her. I mean she can’t do much on her own yet besides wiggle around a bit, so I pick her up and simply find myself forgetting about all else in the world and just gaze at her chubby cheeks just hoping that something I do will somehow earn me one of her heart melting smiles.
I am constantly amazed at how God was willing to entrust such a treasure to me. I can remember a point in my life when I couldn’t even hold a job for more than 3 months…much less raise another human being. That’s the grace of God for you.
As I rack up the hours spent taking in all that my daughter is, I hear over and over again God telling me one important thing to focus on in my relationship with her as her father. For some reason this one thing, out of all the other pearls of wisdom that He could share with me, keeps coming to the surface when I look at her…
“She should always be able to trust you with her feelings.”
She is to be gentle, but she is to be fierce. She will grow in the way that you lead her. But above all things, when the trials come, the doubt sets in, and things fall apart, whether it was her fault or not…
As her father, you should be the one she runs to, and not from…without any hesitation.
Whatever the circumstance or consequence, she must know without a doubt that her heart can be entrusted to you, and she will find empowerment, not judgement in your eyes. That you hold her feelings in the highest regard no matter how silly or strange they seem. Your mission is to see that second only to God, the way you see her is the safest, most empowering place she could place herself in.
There will be a time when she will make her way into the world and another man will take that place in her life, and she will know that man by the qualities that you have shown and proven acceptable. When she looks for him, she will be looking for you…so give her something worth searching for.
So I challenge this to all Fathers out there, whether it is your daughter or a son, it still applies. God has entrusted you with a mighty treasure, and He did not consider the level of your worthiness when He did it. Be the example of grace and power that God has been to you and be a force in the fight to bring the world from a father-less to a father-led generation.
When my husband and I first got married, we thought for sure we would wait to have kids. We wanted to enjoy our time together with just the two of us before we jumped into parenting.
Also, we definitely wanted to establish some things in life like: schooling, jobs, finances, setting a good foundation in the first few years of marriage, buying a house, getting a new car and the list went on and on. We really just wanted to get a handle on how to live and love as a new married couple before we threw children in the mix.
However, let me just tell you God had other plans! Three months into our “five-year-plan” I got pregnant. I was quite shocked when the pregnancy test read positive and I really had to rethink who God was in my life, and in my marriage.
Don’t get me wrong, I understood children were a blessing & reward from God, but I was barely acquainted with becoming a wife when I had to learn how to become a mother as well. It was quite daunting to think about, but God never once left my husband and I in the wilderness to figure this out on our own.
No matter what “plan” you have for having children, you really are not in control.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16 NIV)
I am thankful I figured this out during my first pregnancy because seven months after my first daughter was born I became pregnant with our second. Neither were perfectly calculated into our calendars or careers, yet God still had a perfect plan for our family.
No matter how tough the finances looked, no matter how long the sleepless nights were, and no matter how much we doubted ourselves, God provided every last thing we needed.
Sometimes it is worth letting go of the reigns and letting God take control. He really does know what He is doing even when we don’t.
My advice and prayer for you is this: If you are newly married and entering parenthood around the same time, remember God’s grace is sufficient.
It is not easy taking on two tasks at once but your faith will be made stronger for doing so. From reading scripture, and personal experience, God will never abandon you no matter how impossible things look. Have faith that God has a plan for your marriage and for the new child you inherited.
It really does not matter when you “plan” to have children, you are never as ready you want to be. Trust that God is in control and in His perfect timing all things will come to pass.
As women we take on the burden of being everything to everyone. We wear multiple hats, sometimes one at a time, and at other times two and three hats all at once. We give and give and give of ourselves to ensure that the people around us are taken care of, loved on, nurtured, comforted, encouraged, provided for, and appreciated.
As mothers we will bend over backwards to chauffeur the children to school and practices, work on homework, volunteer at their school, and squeeze in some semblance of quality family time before bed. As wives we will make sure the house is clean, dinner is made, egos are stroked, the husband feels like “the man”, our “wifey duties” are handled, and all while maintaining the balance of being an independent woman with being a submissive wife.
And these are just our “home” hats. We also wear the daughter hat, the sister hat, the auntie hat, the minister/ and or minister’s wife hat, the employee/ employer hat, and the friend hat.
With all that we have on us each day, how often do we take off all those hats and put on the “ME” hat?
Not often at all. We, as women, have become so consumed with the welfare of other people that by the time we get to ourselves, we are depleted of all energy, strength, and effort. It is in our nature to nurture, to help, to give, but it is always directed outward and hardly ever inward.
Pamela Hines writes in her book The Fabric of a Woman, “Unfortunately, many women sacrifice their personal care, growth, or development because they devote all of their time and efforts to serving others… but how can we really give ourselves to our families, and to others who depend on us, if we fail to first take the time to get what we need?”.
You will be more of what everyone else needs you to be, including yourself, when you have properly tended to yourself.
It is ok to be selfish and have “ME” moments.
You will be happier, feel better, and be able to do more when you are at full capacity, but you can only be at your best if you place value on yourself enough to invest in yourself. When we constantly give out and never replenish, we have the potential to do more harm in our relationships than good. We begin to operate out of frustration, irritability, and resentment for others and for the job that we love. As women we tend to feel that it is not ok to take time for ourselves.
“Who will do it if I don’t?” “So and so needs me. I can’t say no”. “Let me just do it so that it gets done”. We convince ourselves that we have to do everything because it’s our job to do it, but taking care of everything means taking care of ourselves as well.
Challenge yourself to be OK with having those selfish moments. Spend time doing something that makes you happy. Give yourself what you would give to others… YOU.
In the last 2 years of my life, which have included marriage, motherhood, ministry, and marketplace, I have learned that balance is not achievable, but there is a way to do all four. I have been in ministry for 15 years, married for two years, a mother for one year, and a business owner for 9 months. Is it difficult yes, but I believe it is doable. Today, I will share the 7 most important things I have learned about each of these areas and how I balance them. Most people ask me “how do you do it,” and my answer is chaotically but gracefully. A lot of people have ideas about what a life full of marriage, ministry, motherhood, and business looks like. But the truth is, you really don’t know until you get there. When I was pregnant I took 5 months off and that was incredibly hard for this busy beaver, but it was really important to recognize the necessity in doing so. That leads me to my first point:
- I have learned that every season and every role is important and sacred. I do not rush through taking care of or being with my son to get to the next task even though I want to sometimes. When I do, I just get frustrated and I rob myself of precious time that could be spent with him. So with that lesson learned I began to work around his naps and when he goes to bed. There are many times I still get frustrated trying to answer emails while he is pulling on my dress or asking to play, but nowadays I catch myself and let whatever I am doing go and give him my attention. I have learned that sometimes I can only do one thing at a time and that is fine. I have learned not to feel guilty for putting my work aside and playing with my baby. I know as I honor my role as a mother, God will honor me as a work at home mom. Raising my baby is just as important as making the money to contribute to my family. It helps that my husband is in graduate school and has several classes at night, which allows me to work and then focus on him when he returns. That leads me to point two.
- Manage your time wisely. When you are in multiple roles time can be your best of friend and the worst of friend. Learn to categorize things in your head and write down a block schedule. Whatever you do, try to have a clear map of how you are going to steward your day. Yes there are always surprises, but try to get back on track as soon as you can. I intentionally work hard to create time for my service to God, my husband, my son, and my career. Create spaces in your schedule and designate chunks of time for each task. Put first things first: Jesus, husband, children, and ministry/work. Sometimes you may feel like you are drowning in water and what you are giving is not enough, but if you do it out of a heart of love, it is enough. Give yourself Grace.
- Everything is not always going to be perfect and that’s okay. Life as a wife and working mother is nothing like the magazines. My house sometimes is not as clean as I would like, my prayer time not as long, my productivity not as much, but I give my best to all I have been given to steward. Do your best and get help. Find a friend who loves to clean, someone who can occasionally watch your baby so you can work, or someone who could plan meals. Plan systems and creative ways to keep your home and life running smoothly. However, the sooner you realize there will be a lot of times where things won’t run smoothly, and the sooner you become okay with that, the happier (more peaceful, settled, content) you and those around you will be. Do not fall under the trap of perfection―do what works for your family. I pray you have a supportive husband, split chores, share in responsibilities and you will be just fine. When you fall short, repent and keep moving. Remember there is always tomorrow.
- Learn to understand the season you are in. I have been very eager to finish writing the books that have been hanging in the balance for awhile now, however book writing requires prolonged moments of quietness which are currently nonexistent in my life. I was so frustrated, until I realized this was not a season for books but for blogs. Using blogs I could still get out what I had to share with the world just in a shorter form. It does not mean I will not write again, it just means it is not a season for novels. Understanding the season I am in helped me release the pressure I was putting on myself. When I was single, or even before the baby, I could “go, go, go,” but seasons have changed and some things will just need to wait. Be realistic with the goals for all areas of your life. What you can do―do it now. What you can’t do now― you can do it later.
- Family first. Since I am on the road quite a bit I decided that I would take my family with me as much as possible. Ministry is family. I do not believe that your calling or assignment ends just because you become a wife or mother. Instead, your calling enlarges and you are given a different sphere of influence. As a woman preacher, my heart is to include my husband and children in the work of the Lord, so much, that it all merges together. Serving Jesus and being a family should just be as normal as breathing. Care first for your husband’s emotional, spiritual, and physical needs, then your children, and then everyone else. This sort of prioritizing will be a model for others to see and follow in a ministry settings. Read the Word and pray with your husband, have family Bible reading times, dream together as a family, and always make God the center of everything. As you honor your commitments to your husband and children, I believe God honors your commitments to those you have been called to serve.
- Have Fun. As tiring and difficult as this season can be for some, it is also wonderful and beautiful. Life is all about perspective. The way we see the world effects what we will receive from it. Look at the not so funny moments of life, and remember you will laugh about them later. Take it easy on your spouse and children. Find time to go on vacations, have family fun nights, and laugh, laugh, laugh. Jesus came so you could have this kind of abundant life. When you want to complain remember there are so many other women who wish they had a husband, children, work, or ministry. Be GRATEFUL. Ungratefulness breads discontentment. Rejoice in who you are, what you have, and where you are going.
- Take care of yourself. This is an area I am working on constantly because my schedule just seems impossible. But now that it is warming up, I take a 20 minute walk with the baby in his stroller twice a day. It is good for him to get out, the mental break helps my creativity, and the walking serves as my exercise for the day. I am very protective of my time. I make sure I spend at least two hours a week watching a movie or favorite show. It is hard for me to put the iPad down, or the phone, but I remind myself that my productivity is based on my level of rest. I get my hair and feet done often, and I really push for those alone times even if it is only several hours a week!
I know I have so much more to learn, but one thing I know is that this is doable. There is no balance, but there is a way. Be all God has called you to be and live a fulfilled life. For a consult on how to balance your life better email me at info@askdoctorfaith.com.
Parenting is probably the most challenging yet rewarding job we will ever be assigned. It will make your stomach hurt from laughter and your head hurt from stress. For some of us it was an unexpected, life altering career change and for others of us it was a planned and welcomed change.
Next to being a wife, being a mom is “IT” for me. My children are my next great love. I have three kids; 2 girls (4 and 6 years old) and a 2 year old son. Contrary to what everyone told me, having two is much different than having one and having three is much different than having two.
- They all have different personalities. They all like different foods. They are all at different stages of development. And raising a boy is drastically different than raising a girl. There are a lot of parenting techniques and approaches for the “right and wrong” ways to raising kids, but what I have found out is that you have to figure out what works for you and your house, and go with that.
Having multiple children with varying wants and needs has the potential to stress a parent out. How do we nurture their differences, giving each child what they need without neglecting the other children? I am a believer that all children have “quality time” as one of their dominate love languages.
- I have learned that “family time” is high on my children’s priority list. They don’t care if I make it through the whole episode of one of their shows as long as I start it with them. We “rock out” on the way to school as a family to whatever their favorite song of the day is. We eat together as much as our schedules allow. I am learning to say yes more than I say no when; not always successful, but I try.
- I have also learned to pick and choose my battles. I give them choices (even my son). If it isn’t going to make a difference I let them decide what vegetables they want to eat for dinner or what outfit they want to wear for the day.
- I have learned that it is easier to let them have what they want then to fight with them over what I want them to have. I use their ability to make decisions for themselves as moments to teach them about good choices verses bad choices and to celebrate them when they make a decision that has made them proud.
Parenting isn’t always easy but it is definitely worth it when they smile at you and tell you they love you. Everything seems right when you watch them sleep at night and realize that the day may have had its ups and downs but you survived it together.
Growing up in the church I constantly heard about the virtuous woman, but I never heard about the virtuous man. I finally learned about it at a men’s conference. They referenced Psalm 112 to describe a virtuous man.
Praise the Lord! Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in his commandments! His offspring will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever. Light dawns in the darkness for the upright; he is gracious, merciful, and righteous. It is well with the man who deals generously and lends; who conducts his affairs with justice. For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries. He has distributed freely; he has given to the poor; his righteousness endures forever; his horn is exalted in honor. The wicked man sees it and is angry; he gnashes his teeth and melts away; the desire of the wicked will perish!
Let’s break down these scriptures and analyze what it is to be a Psalm 112 man.
- The Psalm 112 Man is Obedient
The Psalm 112 man loves God and displays His love by obeying Him. The Psalm 112 man is guided by God in everything he does.
- The Psalm 112 Man has a Strong Legacy
Because of his obedience, the Psalm 112 man has a strong legacy. The strong and lasting legacy that he has set is faith in God. Because of his faith in God his family is blessed by God for generations to come.
- The Psalm 112 Man is a Provider
God has blessed each and everyone one of us with gifts that are not designed only to give Him glory, but to help us in providing for our families. It is important that we know who God is so that He may show us who we are. Each and everyone of us is blessed so that we can be a blessing to our family and those around us.
- The Psalm 112 Man is Gracious, Merciful and Righteous
Because the Psalm 112 man is guided by God, he reflects the character of God. He is quick to listen and slow to anger. He recognizes the grace and mercy that God has extended to him and pays it forward. And like Abraham, his faith in God will be counted unto him as righteousness. For righteousness is the obedience of faith to God’s will.
- The Psalm 112 Man is Generous
As stated before the, Psalm 112 man provides for his family and those around him. According to 2 Corinthians 9:6, if we give sparingly, we will receive sparingly, but if we give generously, we will receive generously. This scripture is directly speaking about money, but this also applies to our time and talent as well. While money is good, money isn’t everything. We must also be willing to give of ourselves generously as well.
- The Psalm 112 Man Trusts in The Lord
My father told me that as a husband and a father I am the leader. He said that if I freak out, they (my wife and kids) will freak out. A Psalm 112 man believes the scripture 2 Timothy 1:7 which says:
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
The Psalm 112 man lives a life of power, love and a sound mind. When a situation seems bleak, the Psalm 112 man waits on God’s command and acts on that command. The Psalm 112 man trusts in God.
- The Psalm 112 Man will be Hated
Jesus obeyed God and they crucified Him. What makes you think you’ll be spared? Understand that when you follow God, not everyone will love you. You could discover the cure for cancer and someone will curse you for taking so long. Be obedient and unapologetically follow God. All that matters is that You hear, “well done My good and faithful servant” when you get to heaven.
I love reading Psalm 112, it helps me to understand who I am to be as a man. It isn’t a complete and exhaustive guide, but it does give me direction.
As I was spending time with God a few weeks ago, I was lead to write in my journal. When I began to write I hear the Holy Spirit say that the next 3 months would be very pivotal months of our marriage because God is preparing us for greater level of exposure and increase. Yes, I got very excited at the thought of productivity and more opportunities, but not at all did I consider what needed to happen in order to make us ready for it. I sit down with Natasha and discuss with her what I believe God had spoken to me. She agreed for us to begin to prepare every area of our life for increase, which includes: time management, finances, relationship with Jesus, and relationships with others.
As we moved into the month of February, a domino effect of events began to occur from my car breaking down costing us $700.00 to fix, which thank God we had a emergency fund to cover that. Then, the next week I get a call regarding a financial situation that hadn’t been taken care of that now was costing us over $1,500.00. At this moment I was like, “Really God?” As a husband, I stand on Proverbs 18:22 which states, “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”. I know many quote this, but I stand on it as a promise from God. Well, that verse had me scratching my head saying, “Where’s that favor at?”
Marriage is under attack in the body of Christ for a reason, and I believe its because the enemy knows the greatest display of the work and love of Christ towards His people is found in a God centered marriage! God desires to bless those who enter into this covenant, which we agree that anything God puts favor upon, testing will follow. We had to adjust our spending drastically to make up for the set back. This caused Natasha and I to turn to God to get His perspective, as we knew these situations were testing our faith in God’s ability to turn this thing for His good. As we set our hearts to trust Him during this trial God has strengthen our dependency on Him. Our times of prayer together has erupted something within us towards one another causing a recommitment to love one another no matter the circumstance.
I want to encourage you whether you are a husband or wife in the middle of a moment where you don’t understand why it’s happening, but you trust God to turn it for your good. Do not be dismayed and allow this season to discourage you ultimately affecting you, your spouse, and your family. Be strong in the Lord and declare His goodness is better than any earthly trial or gain. As we go through we are praying for YOU to make it through with us.
trials < Jesus
Romans 8:28, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”