Month: May 2014

Categories
Marriage

4 Ways to Save Your Marriage When You're Ready to Quit

During marriage coaching sessions, my husband, Tim, and I often encounter couples who are not just having a hard time communicating or don’t know each other’s love languages, but couples that are at a fork in the road.
These couples are navigating the decision of whether to stay or not. It’s never easy to see a marriage reach this place, as both spouses sit in front of us often looking hurt, exhausted, frustrated, betrayed, and hopeless and more emotions too numerous to describe.
Being given the privilege to walk through these seasons with so many couples continues to shape our lens for relationships and how we live into being more like Christ especially in our marriages.
We have found that the following four tools are a great starting point for couples who are at that fork in the road.
 
1. Take the “DIVORCE” card off of the table.
The word DIVORCE is like a dagger thrown to hurt and cripple the other person. No one gets married thinking about getting divorced. Every marriage goes through seasons when things are easy and great, and then seasons when things are a little more difficult and challenging.
LIFE happens. Work schedules conflict. Children are born. Extended family issues arise.  Gary Chapman author of The Four Seasons of Marriage says, “Marriages are perpetually in a state of transition, continually moving from one season to another… the seasons of marriage come and go. Each one holds the potential for emotional health and happiness, and each one has its challenges”.
2.   Make a decision to be all in.
If you are going to try and make it work… then try and make it work. Do not be half in and half out. From the moment the decision is made to make it work give your spouse a clean slate, the grace to make mistakes, and the freedom to change.
Troubled marriages don’t happen overnight. A couple doesn’t go to bed one night with everything perfect and wake up with everything in turmoil. It took time to get to the place where trust is broken, communication hindered, and the desire to be around each other is lost.
It will also take time for those things to be repaired. It is going to take work and time to mend what has been broken. Give each other the grace needed to get to that place. It will take time to retrain speech and behavior, as well as hope and faith in the other person.
3. Commit to not “pushing each other’s buttons”.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we all know what is going to get a reaction out of our spouses. We know what words to say that will make them upset as well as what words they need to hear to be affirmed. Make a decision to only say and do things that will make the situation better and not worse.
4.  Be the one to break the cycle.
Women want to be loved. Men want to be respected. When these two elements are eliminated from interaction, it creates a cycle of behavior; the husband towards the wife: not affectionate, doesn’t listen, doesn’t speak kindly; the wife towards the husband: begins to make decisions without consulting him, talks down to him, belittles him in front of company.
This goes back and forth until it is the new normal of the relationship. Someone has to be willing to break the cycle and give the other person what they need in order for change to happen.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Married with Single Friends…Recipe for Disaster or No?

When I was in grad school, I had a classmate who was in a serious relationship. She shared with me and some cohorts from class that her and her beau got into a bit of a “tiff” about friends. I stayed out of it because as a married man I prefer not to give relationship advice to single women, especially when my wife is not present.
Now  let me be clear, it is not that I didn’t care about what was being said, but more than anything, I didn’t want her or anyone else to get any ideas about my motives— whether interpreted as a hint of impropriety, or suggestive flirting, —that was not my intention, so I just listened…
As I continued to listen, she explained that she was uncomfortable with his friends. Quite obviously, some of the fellas in the room were defensively firing out the usual retorts like, “you’re trying to control him” or the ever common, “you’re trying to change him.” Her reply to this banter was that those accusations were absolutely not the case and completely untrue.
She explained that she was uncomfortable with the interactions that her boyfriend and his friends were having because she and her boyfriend were talking about marriage and his friends were single.  This back and forth went on for about 30 minutes or so, but it stayed with me long after.
This same conversation recently resurfaced at work with some co-workers. While I was listening to the conversation, the Holy Spirit gave me revelation:  The underlying issue is not whether a married person can have single friends, but whether their single friends are mature enough to respect, honor, and cherish their married friends’ relationship.
As a spouse we must protect our relationship – we must protect the integrity of the covenant that we’ve entered into taking special care to consider how our relationships with persons outside of our marriage affect the sanctity of the union of those within it.
Friends are great and often a critical part of our development as people; but the development of people, once married, should morph into merging two persons into one!
So as it relates to friends, you must think about: who they are, what they are about, and how do they fit into your new life? At the point that your single friends (or married for that matter) impede that development, that friend has become an enemy – an enemy to your marriage, an enemy to your purpose, an enemy to the ministry that God has given you.
Additionally, and more importantly, YOU ALSO have to respect your marriage by realizing that things have changed.  So, no, you cannot do everything you used to when you were single because you are not your own anymore and your decisions directly affect another person.
Remember, scripture talks about leaving your father/mother and joining your wife to be united as one…(Gen2:24/Eph5:31) Parenthetically, this can also apply to your friendships as well.
So I leave you with this: Single friends are not the problem, but single minded friends are. Anyone with an agenda to please themselves and not consider the new and amazing life that you now lead is not being led by the Lord and can be a poison that infects your marriage…potentially leading to the demise of the marital relationship.
Now as a final question I ask, “Are your single friends a recipe for disaster or no?”

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

10 Ways to Guarantee You Remain in Covenant with God While Dating

From the desk of The Modern Day Cindi: This one is for the Singles (by default or by design) that have a burning desire to draw near to the Lord, especially in a world that drives sex before marriage, endorses “shacking” before covenant, and glorifies promiscuity and serial dating.
More important than ever, it is in these times that our decisions should be inspired, led, and motivated by being closely connected to the Lord through walking in relationship with Him- particularly in the realm of dating.
The bible says, be in the world but not of it, yet many question how to master this request in a society where multimedia outlets including the internet, cable television, and music are prevalent AND leading the charge in forming societal norms and current perceptions of reality.
The answer can be simplified by loving the Lord, your God, with all your heart, soul and mind and loving your neighbor as yourself. Merely knowing and embracing loving God more than anything else can change your life, change your perspective and, add peace to your journey.
In God’s infinite wisdom, he informed us that everything in the world–the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life–comes not from the Father but from the world (1 John2:16 NIV). In loving God in spirit and in truth, you put to death the desires of the flesh that are present in day-to-day living and the deceit of the heart that is driven by the lust of the eyes and the pride of life. The humility that comes through loving God above loving the things of this world is cultivated through sacrifice and is without remorse, repentance, or regret.
So what are some things that you can do along this quest to draw nearer to The Lord and fulfill his purposes for your life?
Below are 10 Tips to help with drawing near to & remaining in covenant with Him, even while dating. Now let me caution you, these tips may not be for all singles.
They are directed to, and targeting those who are: seeking the will of God beyond temporary or part-time convenience; want to balance the fulfillment of life’s desires in a constant ocean of change; are doing more than just waiting for ‘the one’ to come; and, are looking for eternal and permanent contentment with God.
Let’s proceed:

  1. Go through a season of purging remove known distractions or roadblocks that could hinder growing in relationship with the Lord
  2. Change your mind as it relates to relationships and dating, view potential suitors as brothers and sisters in Christ, instead of prospective spouses
  3. Reposition yourself assume a posture of prayer and pray about everything…LITERALLY
  4. Resolve within yourself that you will table the worlds’ way of dating and figure out how to “court” safely
  5. Approach with caution remember that as a children of the most high God there ARE options
  6. Get in front of God with Praise and Worship
  7. Wait for the Lord to paint the picture very clearly including what you should be doing and who you should be doing it with
  8. Ask the Lord to shut the door if it is not for you
  9. Get your satisfaction from what God has done for you
  10. Know that you are being set apart –not alone. God is your security, your pathway to new opportunity and in Him only can you find your identity

Now trust God on this journey and let your love for Him lead you to perfect peace!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

5 Irresistible Qualities of a Woman of God

Before I got married, I would take time to pray over my future wife, and there were specific things that I prayed.   It is during that time I learned the most important qualities that I desired in my wife. Every man of God has certain qualities they find irresistible in a woman of God.  Whether you are a unmarried man in need of discovering what you should look for in a wife, or a unmarried woman curious to know what qualities a man of God is searching for then this is for you!
 1. A Woman of God who values honor.
A woman who fearlessly honors others, values herself. To honor someone means to esteem them or show high respect.  A woman who demonstrates this reveals her heart for people.   Honoring up, down, and around is the rule to follow.
Honoring up means respecting those who are in authority over you, being able to accept their role and submit to their leadership.  Honoring those below you includes those that look up to you, or work underneath you.  Honoring those around you is respecting your friends, family, and colleagues.  You know a woman who honors by the words she speaks to those closest to her.  Finding the gold in someone is easy because they only desire to build that person up rather than tear them down. A woman who values honor adds value to everyone around her, which makes for an irresistible woman.
 
2. A woman of God who is interdependent.
 A woman who is interdependent is not solely dependent on others, nor is she solely dependent on herself, but understands she needs others to thrive in life.   When we come out of the womb, we are fully dependent on our parents, and the goal is learn how to do life on our own while being mutually dependent upon others.
This quality is best seen in those that aren’t to prideful to ask for help or support, and are able to do the same for others.   Every husband feels esteemed when their wives depend on them, but they treasure a woman they can depend on as well.
 
3. A woman of God who has identity.
A woman who knows who she is, and her identity is in Christ will not be found falling into the traps set by the Enemy. When a woman’s identity is in Christ there are a myriad of things that will follow such as: confidence, consistency, resilience, humility, ability to change, and loving unconditionally. 
When talking with my other male friends who are married and some still unmarried, they each said this was one of the most important qualities that drew them to their wives. This quality keeps you from competing, being jealous, or intimidated by others.
 
4. A woman of God who is a lover of God.
A woman who is a lover of God has not only found God, but has been found by God.  She knows His heart, and He knows hers.  This level of relationship requires grace, discipline, and sacrifice.  When the bible says in John 14:23, “Anyone who loves me will obey my commands”, He is talking about lovers of God. A woman who loves God, bears the fruit of it by obeying Him.
This quality is one that draws and keeps a genuine man of God. This was the quality I prayed for in my wife more than any other.  I knew if she was a lover of God then everything else would fall in line.
 
5. A woman of God who is holistically beautiful.
The term, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, is very true because everyone sees beauty differently.  1 Peter 3:3-5 eloquently states, “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.  You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”
As I am writing this my wife is sitting next to me, with no make up on, in regular clothes, while wearing a baseball cap.  She is still the most beautiful thing my eyes have seen because it is her inward beauty that fills the cup, and her outward beauty causes the cup to overflow.  I am not advocating to neglect your outward appearance for it is in a woman’s outward beauty that she is able to embrace and reflect herself as God’s creation.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

Courtship is Less About Feelings and More About…

Written by: Sydney Bennet
First, don’t be scared of the word courtship! I know it has this scary, being set up, super strict connotation to it, but that’s not true! I’ve been there. I was scared of dating at one point and completely confused about courting.
As a young woman after a life that glorifies God, the entire realm of relationships can just be tricky and hard. But, I have lived a little. With more life and experience comes understanding.
Now, I’m not knocking “dating” because people are different and terms have different meanings for everyone. However, I’ve learned that courting is a little different and better for me.
Courting is less about FEELINGS and more about more important things. This is coming from a girl who is all about connections, vibes, and all things romantic, so hear me out here…

 

Courting is less about feelings and more about:

Foundation
A lot of times dating relationships are rushed. There is a whirlwind of romance and waves of feelings. There is a pull to go ahead and make everything official with a title, but no real understanding of your partner. In courting, although the relationship is intentional (for marriage), there is a patient pace to it.
Because it is geared towards marriage, there is a seriousness and respect associated with the daily decision to move forward. A lot of couples are also opting to take pre-marital classes before engagement and during courtship because it helps establish an even stronger foundation and more understanding about each other before taking that big step. However, that foundational process may look like for you, courting provides one that dating doesn’t.
 

Courting is less about feelings and more about:

 
Friendship
Most long lasting marriages and truly happy couples will tell you how key friendship is. Because courting already requires that foundational element and being on the same page with some one in the area of values, friendship is naturally a little easier.
While, it is different for everyone, courting also has certain physical borders and boundaries. Some people opt for no kissing until marriage others may practice abstinence. Whatever the line is, courting cuts off physical attachments that make relationships cloudy and friendship harder. In this type of union you truly do have to focus on the friendship.
 

Courting is less about feelings and more about:

Future/Function
 Courting places a great deal on the future functionality of a relationship and less on current feelings. When you court, you basically look at your partner as a husband /wife candidate and a mother/father of your children candidate.
Yes, it’s just that serious. You set your current feelings aside and take a really good look at how your future goals and desires will mesh with your partner’s.
This comes out in real conversations, assessments, and sometimes even compromises in your life to align with your partner’s. In dating, temporary thrills are usually the focus.
Functionality goes hand in hand with your future in courting, because you are taking note of how you two can operate as life/business/prayer partners and more! You wouldn’t invest a lot of money in a car or home that didn’t function well for you or fit your future, the same goes for courting relational investments.
I’m still in the courting process and figuring more out, but I do know that foundation, friendship, future, and function are better focuses for me than feelings!

About the Contributing Author:
Sydney considers herself a reflection of God’s grace. She loves all things inspiration! You can find her writing, daydreaming, creating marketing & communication content, or advising youth. She plans to unite her passions & purpose to expose truth, hope, and love daily.

Categories
Marriage Physical Intimacy

Pop Culture's View of Sex vs. God's View of Sex

Categories
Dating/Courting

4 Common Mistakes Made in Dating Relationships

I have found that when it comes to relationships, and how they look and function in the church world today, they often look just like the outside world’s model. Many times Christian couples are engaging in relationships that are no different from the world. Why?
It could stem from some people’s beliefs that the Bible is “old fashioned,” and that it doesn’t really have anything relevant to say about relationships in the 21st century. Whatever the case may be, I believe that the structure of dating relationships within the church today need to change.
Here are 4 Common Mistakes that Christian couples need to avoid when starting their relationship journey.
1. Having NO authority
In most modern dating relationships, we find that there isn’t a trace of any authority whatsoever within the relationship. This means that there is a lack of, not only parental authority, but of spiritual authority as well.
These relationships have no protection, no covering, and no support from the outside. In other words, nobody knows what’s going on in this relationship except the two people involved.
In order to do relationships God’s way, there needs to be guidance and direction from authorities who know each party very well, who can help you walk down this path successfully.
2. Having NO boundaries
Couples who have no boundaries are setting themselves up for serious trouble. The need is not only for physical boundaries, but for emotional and mental limits, as well. These are protective barriers that keep us from getting hurt, or from falling into a sin that we will regret later.
3. Having NO purpose
Relationships that have no purpose lead people to play with the others’ emotions and body, when they have no right to do so.
There should be a clear-cut reason for why you’re in any relationship that you are in; and it needs to be more than, “I think she’s hot, or we enjoy spending time together.” Develop a purpose that will serve as the launching pad for your relationship. This will keep you grounded and stable for the future, because you can always come back to this foundational purpose.
4. Having NO vision
Relationships that have no purpose are relationships that have no vision. In other words, they don’t know where they are going, nor do they know how it will look when they get there.
Where is your relationship heading? If it isn’t toward marriage, then why are you in the relationship? Again, having a healthy involvement of authority can help make sure that your relationship is staying on track, and that you’re not wasting your time.

Categories
Marriage Parenting

Having Kids: Your Plan Vs. God's Plan

When my husband and I first got married, we thought for sure we would wait to have kids. We wanted to enjoy our time together with just the two of us before we jumped into parenting.
Also, we definitely wanted to establish some things in life like: schooling, jobs, finances, setting a good foundation in the first few years of marriage, buying a house, getting a new car and the list went on and on. We really just wanted to get a handle on how to live and love as a new married couple before we threw children in the mix.
 
However, let me just tell you God had other plans! Three months into our “five-year-plan” I got pregnant. I was quite shocked when the pregnancy test read positive and I really had to rethink who God was in my life, and in my marriage.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I understood children were a blessing & reward from God, but I was barely acquainted with becoming a wife when I had to learn how to become a mother as well. It was quite daunting to think about, but God never once left my husband and I in the wilderness to figure this out on our own.
No matter what “plan” you have for having children, you really are not in control.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16 NIV)
 
I am thankful I figured this out during my first pregnancy because seven months after my first daughter was born I became pregnant with our second. Neither were perfectly calculated into our calendars or careers, yet God still had a perfect plan for our family.
No matter how tough the finances looked, no matter how long the sleepless nights were, and no matter how much we doubted ourselves, God provided every last thing we needed.
Sometimes it is worth letting go of the reigns and letting God take control. He really does know what He is doing even when we don’t.
My advice and prayer for you is this: If you are newly married and entering parenthood around the same time, remember God’s grace is sufficient.
It is not easy taking on two tasks at once but your faith will be made stronger for doing so. From reading scripture, and personal experience, God will never abandon you no matter how impossible things look. Have faith that God has a plan for your marriage and for the new child you inherited.
It really does not matter when you “plan” to have children, you are never as ready you want to be. Trust that God is in control and in His perfect timing all things will come to pass.

Categories
Home

Husbands, What Your Wife Needs You To Be Able To Do

Husbands, I get it.
 
She has been nagging you day in and day out. You are sick and tired of being huff and puffed at, told what to do, hearing her vent, being scolded, given dirty looks and rolled eyes, asked to help around the house after a full day of work, and especially being told “no” to intimacy.
No matter how many times you tell her you love her, or go above and beyond to make her happy, she focuses the 1 ‘wrong’ out of 100 ‘rights.’ All of your attempts to show her love are shut down because she thinks that “making love” is your hidden agenda.
Any ounce of patience that you had left disappeared when she told you those infamous words, “you just don’t understand.”
 
You are drained. Annoyed. Angry. Upset. Confused. Trust me, I understand.
 
The only desire you have is to be close to her in mind, body and spirit. To be ‘one’ in unity. To hold her. To love her. To please her. To make her smile and laugh. You just don’t know how. Well, take a second to listen from the perspective of experience.
 
Slow down. Relax. Clear your mind. Focus.
 
It is our responsibility as men to approach our wives with grace and understanding, no justifications. There are no conditional clauses in scripture, in regards to our relationships with our wives. (i.e. Peter 3:7. “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”)
 
As the man and leader of your home, show her grace for the 1,000,004th time. Sincerely apologize over and over again, change your character, refine your integrity, and speak her love language. Again…and again…and again. Act like the man you promised to be in your wedding vows, and be the warrior she needs you to be.
 
1. She needs you to be strong when she can’t.
2. She needs you to talk kindly to her when she is harsh with her words.
3. She needs you to wash those dishes, pick up those clothes, put that toilet seat down, turn off that light, make that bed, and then kiss her good night.
4. She needs you to love her when it is hard.
 
Be willing to lose the battle, so you can win the war and finally have that Godly marriage you both desire.
 
After all, how many times has your Heavenly Father asked to spend time with you and you’ve ignored him, huffed and puffed, or rolled your eyes? How many times has He wanted to talk to you, but you just wanted to vent?
How many times has he done 100 amazing things in your life, but you tell Him about the 1 thing you are ticked off about. And how many times has he asked to be spiritually intimate, and you’ve told him no?
 
Yet, He shows you grace, He understands, and He loves you. He ‘lost’ that battle for us, knowing it would win the war. 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Ask Dr. Faith | The Maker and Breaker of a Relationship

The number one thing that destroys relationships is unmet expectations, many couples begin dating and even get married assuming their spouse knows what they need and how to fulfill those needs. As I always tell couples, “the other person is not a mind reader” you will get out of your relationship what you put into it.
It is very important at the beginning of the relationship to express your expectations and for your partner to as well, if you feel that your partner’s expectations are too much, you can then decide if this is a relationship you want to invest your time in.
Below are some expectations that need to be discussed early on in the relationship so that you guys are on the same page.
 1. How often you will communicate
Some individuals enjoy talking all day, every day while others need a couple days rest and then connect again. Often times this is based on personality as well as schedule, in the early phases of relationship the euphoria makes one feel invincible, but after a month or so, most people realize they still have a life to live and cannot be up day and night talking on the phone. Set clear expectations about how often you would like to communicate and when.
 
2. How often you will see each other and where
Just as in phone communication One person may need more quality time than another, this is something that needs to be revisited as seasons change as well.
Never assume you know your partner 100 percent, their needs change as seasons change. Discuss how often you will see each other and even where.
 
3. Relationship with family and friends
When people come from different backgrounds they may have a difficult time understanding each other’s expectations around family and friends.
Discuss how you expect the other to relate to your family and friends and vice a verse. Be willing to learn the other person’s culture and background. Do not be afraid to share what you do not understand or concerns you may have.
4. Expectations about the dating/courtship process
This is so important, after you have decided to pursue each other in courtship for the purpose of marriage. That initial conversion needs to include how long the courtship will be, the steps you will take to get to marriage and each person’s role.
Once again seek council from people who have walked this road before as well as mentors. Don’t just assume that the steps you guys have decided on well work for both of you. Work hard to be in agreement about the process and the steps that need to take place.
Clear expectations clear up confusion, and allow each person to feel safe in the relationship because they now the other person has their best interest in mind.