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Communication Home Marriage

4 Tips To Help Married Couples Stay Married

Young African American Couple Walking In Countryside

Your first year of marriage is extremely foundational. They say the habits you form in year one can dictate the direction your marriage will continue down. Here are some good, practical marriage habits to help keep your relationship healthy and on the right track.
 

  1. Have Regular Check-Ins.

I cannot stress enough the importance of communication. When we first got married, my husband and I had regular weekly check-ins where we knew we could be safe and honest with each other. Here are some things you may cover in your check-in’s:
 

  • How can I love you better?
  • Was there anything that happened this week you would like to talk about?
  • What can I do to better support you in x,y,z?

 
Regular communication keeps things from building up over time and addresses the issue sooner rather than later. Don’t be afraid to schedule time for these activities – whether it’s weekly check-ins, monthly date nights, scheduled sex, planning ahead of time will help you be more intentional in keeping the health of you marriage a priority when life gets busy.
 

  1. Make Goals, Create Vision.

Every six months my husband and I pull out our journal and record. We talk about favorite moments from the last part of the year, things we are learning, things we have improved, and most importantly – new goals we are working towards in the current season. Doing it together keeps us focused on building the life we want together. Goals can help motivate you, giving you something to strive for and encourage you to be the best you can be. Vision brings a shared sense of purpose into your day by day. These two combined can help you create a plan to have a fulfilling marriage that works for both of you.
 

  1. Manage your finances together.

I cannot stress the importance of this point. It amazes me how many people bring the “me” and “my” money mentality into their marriages. Doing it together is a great discipline – it allows both spouses to be informed as to what comes in and what it takes to manage a household. Many times marriages often have one spouse in control, and the other that simply follows their lead. Having one spouse in charge leaves room for financial abuse – potentially having one spouse dictating or controlling where the money can go, and deciding what is justified in spending money on a purchase. Regardless of who makes more, you are now one- additional income, but one pot.
 
As you manage your finances together, you can build financial goals around your life aspirations, and see forward progress on a monthly basis – whether that is debt reduction, saving for a down payment for a house, vacation, a baby fund, etc. Managing your finances allows you to navigate the path you wish to go down versus being limited by your financial circumstances.
 

  1. Have Personal Time- Invest In You.

In order to be the best version of you, don’t forget to invest in yourself – your spiritual walk, your health, and continuing hobbies/activities that make you happy. How can you give out, if you haven’t invested inside? You are one, but it doesn’t mean you have to lose your individuality.
 
For the first year of our marriage I always wanted to spend time with my husband. I realized that I had stopped doing some things that made me happy because he didn’t find interest in them, and I found myself picking up activities he did because I was trying to be supportive, but it wasn’t who I was. It’s good to find things to do together, but don’t forget to balance your together and personal time. You’ll find you enjoy your togetherness more and you will be more intentional with the time you do have together.
 
And as a final note, keep it simple. Be practical; make steps and routines that work for your relationship. What works for my husband and I may not work for another couple based on their schedules and personalities. Be sensitive to what each of you needs, and develop a plan to make your marriage work.
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single Uncategorized

Ex – Lesbian Discusses Her Transformed Life in Christ

Emily Thomes is a wife and speaker. Prior to meeting Benjamin “Ben” Thomes, Emily would mock Christians, dabble with drugs and lived a life of promiscuity. She was also a staunch lesbian and would use male washrooms. In 2014, Thomes started to attend her aunt’s Bible studies. Emily was never pressured to change her lifestyle but was personally convicted after learning about the different attributes of God and reading Scripture.  Thomes decided she need to change her life and left the lesbian lifestyle and drugs. A couple of years after getting saved, Emily met the love of her life, Ben. In this interview, Thomes goes in-depth to discuss single – hood, marriage and tragedy. In the midst of it all, Thomes sought to keep Christ in the center.

emilywedding

Habiba Abudu (HA) : The life you live now is a stark contrast to your life a couple of years ago. Can you discuss the change that occurred in your life?

Emily Thomes (ET) : In short, God saved me. I was granted to see myself as a wretched sinner in need of a new heart and a new life and He gave me that. My life had been marked by various sin : practicing homosexuality, smoking marijuana, and drunkenness to name a few. Today, it’s marked by imperfect but sincere obedience, by His grace.

HA : Did you ever deal with loneliness when your were single ?

ET : I did. He used that season to glorify Himself all the more. He showed Himself sufficient for me when I didn’t have a significant other.

HA : In your season of singleness, how did you prepare to be a wife ?

ET : I spent time with married women, usually wives who were also moms, and learned from them.

HA : You met Ben via Facebook ? How did you navigate a long distance relationship ?

ET : I did ! His mom introduced us actually. We weren’t long distance for long. The first few months, we started each day with a phone call where he’d read the devotional book Morning and Evening, by Charles Spurgeon with me. We’d also text and FaceTime each other throughout the day. We both desired marriage in one another, so he moved to North East Texas pretty quickly.

emilywedding2

HA : Was it awkward sharing your past with Ben ?

ET : Thanks to Facebook, I actually didn’t have to tell him much about  it. Once we became friends on Facebook, Ben came across my testimony video. We discussed it, and to my surprise Ben never once made me feel like the greater sinner, though our pre-conversion lives were nearly opposite. Ben understood his own depravity and need for grace. That caused Ben to see us as equal recipients of His grace. It made conversation with Ben easy and safe for me.

emilyben2

HA : What has your first year of marriage taught you ?

ET : Marriage has taught me that although I’ve been made new, I’m still often plagued with fallen flesh and a desire to have my own way and not the Lord’s. This is also true for Ben. As wise as I had believed I’d become and as perfect, dreamy and intelligent my husband is, we’re both still in need of grace daily. The Lord has humbled us both and we needed it. He’s given us a partner to walk the gospel out with and for that I’m forever grateful. I pray that in the coming years we grow in our love, patience, wisdom and trust God to continue the good work that He started in us.

HA : Last year, you shared the tragic news of suffering a miscarriage. How did Ben and yourself handle this difficult period of your life ?

ET : Ben was incredible. He was devastated, when I first contacted him at work to tell him I was going to the hospital. He wept and expressed sorrow for our child and me. By the time he got to my side, he had put aside his own grieving and gave me the floor to hurt for the next few weeks while he patiently loved and served me. I saw two sides of Ben : a dad who was mourning the loss of a child and a husband willing to put his feelings on the ” back burner ” for some of my darkest moments. He provided a shoulder to lean on and comfort. I loved him even more because of the miscarriage. 

emilywedding3

HA : Finally, what advice would you share with those aspiring to be married ?

ET : To those desiring marriage, knowing the spiritual condition of the person you’re considering is the highest priority. I don’t say this because I learned the hard way. It’s something I believe Ben and I did rightly. Before we allowed ourselves to develop incredibly strong feelings for one another, we discussed doctrine, theology and the fruit in our lives. We talked about literally every topic we could think of for weeks. Once I was convinced that Ben could lead me spiritually and Ben was convinced that I love the Lord and was seeking to honor Him, did we move beyond that. Romantic feelings alone cannot be what a relationship is based on.

Desiring God has an article called “When the Not-Yet Married Meet.” In it, the author says, “Intimacy is safest in the context of marriage, and marriage is safest in the context of clarity.” That’s the best advice that I could give to a couple considering marriage. Take the time to investigate the other person before your heart jumps in and distorts what you’re seeing. Once you know that person is someone that you desire to marry and that, most importantly, the marriage would honor God, go for it.

Marriage is a wonderful and godly commitment. Being married is challenging, sanctifying and beautiful because He created it for man. Paul encouraged marriage for those that desire it. Ben and I were married within six months of knowing each, (Ben was 20 and Emily was 24 when they got married). While neither of us are perfectly mature or holy, we wouldn’t be in ten more years either, especially as single people. Marriage has been the sharpest tool that he Lord’s given me for growth yet. 

Categories
Home Single

Keeping Your Vow of Purity

Group of attractive young friends having fun in a cafe bar

I know it’s hard in today’s sex crazed world to maintain your vow of purity and celibacy, but I tell you, it can be done. I’m holding at 6 and half years strong and here’s how I’ve done it.
Know your triggers
If you know kissing causes you to get weak in the knees and you fall into that person’s bed, then you may want to steer away from that. Save kissing for the wedding. If you know that you can’t be alone in a room with a specific someone and control yourself, then you shouldn’t spend time by yourself with that person. Call over some friends and hang out as a group. Guard your eye gates. If you know you can’t watch certain movies with sexual scenes without starting to feel lustful or listen to certain songs, then turn off the movie and watch some comedy, turn the song to something without sexually explicit lyrics, do something that won’t have you feeling all “50 Shades of Grey”.
There’s no sense in tempting yourself.
Set up boundaries when you’re dating
Boundaries are another form of accountability. The word says “don’t give the enemy a foothold”, meaning don’t give the enemy any room to come in and tempt you. He will take full advantage of every opportunity. It’s good to have boundaries when you’re dating because it allows you  protect yourself. Boundaries help you to define where you and your partner should start and stop. To put it another way, boundaries are LIMITS. Boundaries also help eliminate the blame game. If you and your partner know the boundaries and respect the boundaries, then you won’t have to play the blame game when something goes wrong.
Some boundaries you can set up in your dating relationship are:
-Never spending time at each other houses
-No dates that aren’t in public places
-Setting up time limits on the phone (example: no talking after 9:30 pm),
-No casual conversation that can lead to talking about things you shouldn’t.
I encourage you to set up personal boundaries and boundaries for dating relationships.
Prayer
This is going to be the best way to fight against any temptation that may lead you down the road of bad choices. When you think you want to watch porn, pray and then pray some more. When you have impure thoughts, pray and then pray some more. If you find yourself in a compromising situation, don’t feel like you can’t stop. Don’t ignore the Holy Spirit. Get up, STOP! Then pray and pray some more, pray for forgiveness and then know that you are forgiven. Don’t allow the guilt of a decision weigh you down, that will only lead you to make more bad decisions. Pray and know that God will provide a way out of every temptation. He says so in His word.
If you really consider the first two ways I provided then you likely won’t find yourself in compromising situations, however we are human, just know you don’t have to keep going down the wrong path. You can turn back around.
 
Prayer:
Forgive me for the times I have not honored You with my body.Help me to flee from all forms of sexual immorality by fleeing to you. Help me to keep my outward actions and inner thoughts pure before Your eyes- whether I am in public view or in a secret place. Purify my heart and develop in me pure thoughts, words, actions and motives that honor your Holy name.I want to live for You even in a world that doesn’t. I pray that my resistance to temptation increases and my need to follow the patterns of this world decreases. Lord God, I commit myself to you and I take this commitment seriously.
Join The Unpopular Movement by choosing Purity over Popularity. You can get your Purity Card by emailing crownedyou@gmail.com.
 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

3 Ways to Avoid the Comparison Trap In Marriage

Young Afro-American family fighting in kitchen because of an affair. Man in glasses holding mobile phone, pointing finger at screen, trying to explain himself for love messages from unknown woman

In today’s society, comparison is a natural occurrence that has many people comparing their lifestyles, careers, marriages, and even social network sites. In reality, comparison is unhealthy for the health of our lives and relationships. Because it is based on partial truths, it creates the trap of illusion and robs marriages of their joy (John 10:10).
Imagine this – you get into a fight with your spouse that is filled with emotion. How easy is it to accept the lie of the enemy that everyone’s marriage is perfect but yours? The comparison trap will cause you to believe that you are not measuring up because it magnifies the false reality of success. This trap can also surface as thoughts of “they have a nicer house or car than us”, “why can’t my spouse have a job like hers?” or “they travel and have much more fun than us.”   The list goes on – but the fact remains that the comparison trap kills growth, creating insecurity and destruction in marriages.
Here are 3 ways to avoid the comparison trap in marriage:

  1. Embrace Truth. Face it – no marriage is perfect! Comparing your success or spouse to others, masquerades as false reality, which is not what God intended for marriage. After all, marriage is to display His glory as a sacred union of two people that love and cherish one another, without comparison. To avoid the comparison trap, it is important to embrace the truth that our identity is found in Christ (Galatians 2). In Him, we find peace, worth, value, and security for a healthy marriage.
  1. Love Your Lane. In reality, if you swerve on a highway into other lanes, you can cause an accident. The same is true in marriage – it is totally ok that your marriage is not like others that you encounter. Staying in your marriage lane stops the comparison trap from stealing meaningful love moments in your own union. Enjoying the good things in your marriage with laughter, expressing gratitude, and celebrating your spouse’s uniqueness and strengths will change your perspective for contentment and better moments to come (Philippians 4:8-9).
  1. Speak Life. Being selective with your words kills the comparison trap. Since there is creative power in our words, we either speak words that produce life and blessings or “cracked” foundations in our marriages (Proverbs 18:21; Hebrews 11:3). Remember, every time you compare your marriage to others or entertain negative thinking, you release words that allow the enemy to alter God’s framework of love for your marriage.

Do any of these hit close to home in your marriage? What other areas can you work on to kill the comparison trap and find contentment for a healthier marriage?
 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

Naked in My Marriage

Affectionate african american couple talking on couch

I use to be ashamed of my past experiences – afraid of judgment. It wasn’t until a few years ago that God revealed to me that it was okay to share my story and not be afraid of people’s opinions. I can honestly say, that I felt freedom in Christ to know that I didn’t have to hide who I was. My past gave me a story to glorify my heavenly Father and to break chains of bondage.
While single I would share my testimony with others about how I had overcome many obstacles in my past. But when I started dating my now husband, I wondered would this man be able to accept my past, my right now and my future.
I already had 3 children by different fathers. I was hoping that we would be able to avoid this conversation. I just knew that once he found out that I was woman that had 3 children by different fathers that he would leave. He didn’t have any children, so I kept thinking, “Why would he want me?”
One day he brought it up while we were on the phone, “Tell me about the children’s fathers.” I choked up and instantly became afraid to share. I was wondering, “How did he figure it out?” I guess it wasn’t difficult because my children always introduced themselves with their first and last name.
I managed to get through the conversation by talking about each parent. Even though our co-parenting relationships weren’t the best, I spoke the truth without bashing the other parent. After I pushed through sharing, I just broke down.
He heard the quiver in my voice and said he was on the way to my house.  I immediately braced  myself for the break up. He arrived, greeted me, and then went straight to the kitchen and started to clean out the refrigerator. I was completely confused. He then sat me down on the couch and said, “I’m not going anywhere. I just wanted to know where I needed to step up in the children’s lives. I love you and I love those kids.”
Mind blown at this statement, I realized that I had met the man of my prayers. I would’ve never said “I do” if I couldn’t be completely naked with my husband. I had to be with someone that I could be open and honest with about my past. I refused to live in shame. As long as I watered down my past experiences, I would continue to live in bondage.
Marry the person that you can by completely naked with in your marriage. That person will never use what you share against you, but will love you even more. They will see you the way that Christ sees you – courageous, bold, strong, an over-comer, and a game changer.  I love that I am able to be naked in my marriage. If I am naked, I am authentic; if I am authentic; I am able to fulfill my destiny,and be unashamed of my story.

Categories
Finances Marriage

4 Tips to Have Money Conversations In Marriage

Young couple managing finances, reviewing their bank accounts using laptop computer and calculator at modern kitchen. Woman and man doing paperwork together, paying taxes online on notebook pc

Trying to take control of your money but have having a hard time getting your spouse on board?
Do you find it awkward or uncomfortable when you try to discuss the state of your finances?
Does money often cause arguments in your relationship?
Looking to change the future of your finances but need a little help getting the conversation going?
It’s difficult when you find yourself in any of the above situations, but fear not! We are here to help. Try some of these quick tips below:
1. Ask your spouse – What are some of your short term and long term goals/dreams?
This question will allow them to open up about where they want to go, and it will help cultivate conversation on how the two of you plan to get there.
2. Dedicate a regular time you both can agree that will be set aside to talk about finances.
The frequency will depend on your needs as a couple, but setting up a time to talk regularly allows each spouse to mentally prepare for the conversation and come up with different points they may want to discuss on the matter.
3. Total up all your debts, assets, current cash flow and look at your monthly expenses. Start crunching some numbers to get a better status of your current financial situation. You can look at:

    • What does 6 months of expenses look like?

This was EXTREMELY eye opening to us. With money flowing in and out of our account on a monthly basis, we didn’t realize how much it takes to maintain our lifestyle.

    • What are our average utility bills? Have any of our bills gone up?

This will help you be more aware of your costs and keep from being overcharged. If you are not careful, your bills may start going up once a promotion has ended and you are signed up for a service you did not want to pay for. Don’t be taken advantage of because of ignorance.

    • What expenses are we paying for on a monthly basis that we can do without?

This can be tricky – one spouse may feel something is worth paying for while the other does not. This is not meant to start more arguments, but to discuss expenses that you both feel are non-negotiable, and others that are more luxurious to put things in perspective for both of you.
4. Create a pros & cons list regarding your financial goals.
Show your spouse the benefits, but ask them for their thoughts and opinions. Allow them to have a voice, and be willing to compromise so you both are happy. If these are goals you both want to achieve, it will be much easier to make progress.
 
Remember: these are just tips to get the conversation going, not necessarily solutions. Like anything else, the more you do it, the easier it will get. Money doesn’t have to be an argumentative topic if you train it to be positive, and treat it like a resource to grab the future you are looking for.

Categories
Communication Marriage

Your Spouse Shouldn't Have To Beg For Your Validation

Young black woman drinking tea and chatting with boyfriend on couch

by Ed & Sharita Gray
The phrase “validation without solicitation” is just an alternative way of describing  the “confirmation of your affirmation”. The meaning behind all of those big fancy words is simple: for you to express by way of word AND action (without being prompted to do so by your spouse)….that your spouse is of significant value to you. Both of the words “validation” and “affirmation” point to the word “confirmation”. Confirmation is best described as proving a truth by acknowledging it with absolute certainty. So, when you say to your spouse, “I love you!” and he/she quips back with, “…well then prove it!” This is what they actually mean….confirm your love for me. No one wants to merely hear that they are appreciated, or only be told that they are loved or doing a great job. Your VERBALIZATION has to be followed up with VALIDATION.
 
This is not just true of marriages or relationship, it’s even true on your job. If you were assigned a project on your job and you worked night and day, and put your all into making the project a success, then naturally you would expect for your employer to acknowledge the fact that you had done a really good job. Or maybe you’ve worked for a particular company for many years and you’ve been a tremendous employee, then naturally you too would expect for your employer to acknowledge the many years served and the job well done. But wouldn’t it be at least a tad bit insulting, or make you feel the least bit unappreciated or devalued, if the only thing that your employer did was “tell” you that you did a good job on the project or that the company appreciated your many years served. It would be totally natural and normal to experience these feelings because something is missing. But what is it that’s missing? In a word…VALIDATION! NO, “acknowledgement” is not a suitable substitute for validation. Acknowledgement should only serve as the precursor to validation. Validation demands that an action takes place.
 
So, as it relates to your place of employment, job well done on the project, or many years served, validation would demand a tangible gift. A tangible gift could possibly be a raise, or an extra day added to your vacation time, or a company paid lunch at a local restaurant, etc. But if they only “told” you how good of a job you did or how much they appreciated your many years of service, then it wouldn’t take long before their “words” became just that-only words! You would soon begin to ponder the same phrase that Janet Jackson coined in one of her hit songs, “What have you done for me lately?”
 
So, if we understand this analogy as it pertains to our job….why is it so hard to understand it as it relates to our marriages and relationships? Merely telling your spouse or significant other that you love them or care about them will only carry you so far. After that you may actually hear Janet Jackson in your spouse when he/she poses the question, “what have you done for me lately?” So, before your spouse prompts you with this question, ask yourself-”What have I ‘DONE’ for him/her lately?!” If your answer is “Nothing” or “Very little,” then NOW is the best time to change that.
 
Lastly and finally, remember this one important detail: Your spouse wants to be validated without soliciting you. This simply means that your spouse does not want to have to tell you that you need to do something nice or tangible for them. Nor do they want to have to toot their own horn in an effort to hint to you that they need to be acknowledged and validated. You yourself would feel much more valuable and appreciated if your employer came to you and after acknowledging the job well done or years served; followed that up with a tangible gift. Why? Because there is something FULL-filling about not having to beg for appreciation. So, let’s stop leaving our spouse empty and dry in this area as well. Your spouse deserves the same treatment that you desire. Now, leave this computer, phone or tablet and GO VALIDATE!
 
Ed and Sharita Gray are a dynamic, married duo committed to helping tip the scales in favor of whole and healthy marriages. Check them out over at their blog www.edandsharita.com.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

What If God Doesn't Send Your Boaz?

Beauty and skin care concept. Headshot of fashionable dark-skinned young woman with stylish haircut and clean healthy skin looking away with serious and pensive expression, resting against wooden wall

by Richelle Henry
So often, I hear within the single Christian women community to just keep working in my field. I hear that Ruth was found working and busy doing her purpose when she positioned herself to be found by this man of perfection, Mr. Boaz. So many women post statuses about being found by this famous man and even caption photos that tell the story of her wait. We’ve been sold this lie that when it comes to singleness, Boaz in all of his manliness, will come and rescue us from our singleness.
But I must ask you, “What if God doesn’t send you Boaz?”
It’s clear that he’s a hot commodity and millions of Christian women are a part of the rhetoric that if we just position ourselves, flow in purpose, and know who we are, that our prize at the end of it all would be marriage with our Boaz.
But what if God sent me a Moses?
A man who is a leader, but sometimes emotionally driven and in need of my assurance to stand in the fullness of who He was called to be? Although Moses was called, He still felt extremely inadequate and battled insecurities that almost caused him to forfeit the leader that the Lord was trying to pull out of him. What if it were my responsibility to encourage him into his identity?
 
What if God sent me an Elijah?
A man who has had his share of great victories but still wrestles with fear in such a way that he falls into bouts of lowness and crushing depression? Could I be the woman that God has sent to help draw him out of those cave moments and like the Angel did with Elijah, speak the words, “get up and eat?” Could I be a woman of patience, grace, and love to look beyond his bouts of discouragement and see the man he’s destined to be? (See 1 Kings 18 & 1 Kings 19)
 
What if God sent me a Jonah?
A man who has a sure call upon his life to deliver a difficult message, only to be so discouraged with the mantle of his calling that it sends him running? Could I be the woman who, like the whale, was sent to remind him of the importance of obeying the voice of the Lord the first time? Could I be the woman who is sent to help him instead put his fears to flight, instead of his purpose? (See Jonah, Chapter 1)
 
What if God sent me an Abraham?
A man who has received a word to leave everything behind and just follow the Lord to a land that He would soon show him? A man who received a promise and didn’t have the patience to wait for it? Could I be the woman to help him steward the word of the Lord properly and correctly? Could I be the woman who has a husband who receives direction to leave a place of familiarity and help my husband walk forward in absolute and unrelenting faith in obedience to the Father?  (See Genesis 12)
 
What if God sent me David?
A man after God’s own heart but had a past of infidelity, adultery, and murder? Clearly, this man was chosen by God but had a past filled with all sorts of things that would cause many to question his qualification to be used by God. Could I be the woman to help purge the record that holds his confidence hostage and loves him for who He was called to be, not who He used to be? (See 2 Samuel 11)
 
You see, if we continue to believe that we are only created to marry a Boaz, we will be conditioned to believe that he will come perfect and not flawed. We will be conditioned to believe that all of the responsibility will be on him to be perfect, all while forgetting the grace it takes for us to love the man we come into covenant with. What if you position yourself, glean in your field, wait on the threshing floor and the Lord sent you a man mentioned above?  Would you have been so occupied in being found by perfection that you forfeit the man that was created to help you do destiny and purpose with and you the same for him? So, go on, keep waiting for your Boaz. I can assure you, I won’t be doing the same. I’ll be too busy praying that my heart is prepared for the encouraging, pouring, sharpening, and purging that I may have to do with my David, Abraham, or Elijah.
 
Take Heed & Live Free,
Chelle
 
Richelle is Florida-native with a heart for all things Jesus and loving on people. Her passions include counseling, writing, hanging out with friends, family, and cooking! She hopes that in presenting her scars and giving others the courage to reveal their own that it would ultimately put the Father’s love on display to transform, heal, and completely restore! Find Richelle over at her blog www.showthosescars.com.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

4 Stages That Take Place When You Fall For a Counterfeit

Happy couple dating and flirting and holding hands together in a coffee shop with a sunset light outdoor in the background
As a single Christian waiting on God’s best, there are many times when we come into contact with others who are not in God’s will. Anyone who comes along with potential but does not align with God’s purpose for our lives is known as a counterfeit. Counterfeits appear to seem right but in reality they are fake and misleading. As believers, Satan sends counterfeits into our lives in order to throw us off track from God’s plan. An example from scripture is the serpent that is sent to Eve in the garden. The serpent makes an appearance very early on and goes to work from the beginning. God’s plan for humanity was interrupted because Eve was enticed by the serpent and believed his lies that ultimately led to destruction.

Throughout the Bible we see other examples of counterfeits as well as warnings against involving ourselves with them. Proverbs 16:25 says “There is a way which seems right to a man and appears straight before him, but at the end of it is the way of death.”

Coming from personal experience, here are the 4 stages that took place for me when I fell for a counterfeit.

  1. Attraction. Attraction is the first step and most dangerous because it will open the door to further deceit. Often times our attraction toward someone can be based off of lust that has taken root in our heart and we can become attracted to someone’s physical appearance as well as the accessories that come with them. In my experience of a man I dated, I quickly became attracted to his appearance as well as his money, car, home, materials, and lifestyle. I was very attracted to his possessions which later on allowed me to realize that lust for worldly desires was the main cause of my attraction.

    2. Blindness. Once a strong attraction develops you may begin to ignore any warning signs that this person is not right for you because you have become emotionally attached. Having a strong emotional attachment will blind you to the warning signs and you will become desensitized to them. Being blinded to warning signs due to your emotions leads to a false reality. The guy I dated had many things that attracted me to him, but in reality there were several red flags that I noticed. Because of my attraction to him and the way he made me feel, I began to ignore the red flags and pursue a relationship based off of the strong feelings that had taken over.

  2. Commitment. After your emotions take control and you become blinded to the red flags, commitment follows. Men will do nice things for women such as take them out on dates or buy them expensive gifts. Because of the things he has done for you, you may begin to feel like you owe him yourself. You may start to feel pressured and give in to things you know that he wants and start to regret it. The guy I dated took me out, bought me things, which in return made me feel as though I owed him back and needed to commit to him.

  3. Entrapment. Over time, more things about this man will be exposed and who he truly is will be brought to the surface. The red flags that you ignored earlier will become alarms that are going off in your mind. Commitment will eventually turn into a relationship that you become trapped in. You have become so emotionally tied to him that you feel like you can’t live without him, but become more aware that this man is a counterfeit and being involved with him is only hurting you. I eventually came to the realization that I needed to stop ignoring the red flags so I could save myself. I began to feel trapped because my emotions kept me there. I did not want to be involved with this man anymore. Our lifestyles did not match up, he was not what I wanted, he did not value me like he should have, and was attempting to lead me to sin instead of drawing me closer to God.
These are the dangers I experienced when I fell for a guy who was not right for me. Many women are trapped in toxic relationships due to lack of wisdom and discernment from the beginning. This is why it is so important to guard your heart against potential men with no purpose for your life. Always remember to rely on wisdom, not feelings. Feelings and emotions are temporary but wisdom lasts forever and keeps us from falling.

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4 Dangers of Waiting On a Man

I can remember at one point in my life where I was waiting on man. I was waiting on him to grow up, to choose me. I can even remember telling myself, once he gets it all out of his system then he’ll be ready to settle down. I even prayed to God about him.Why do we do that ladies? Why do we sit around and wait on a man? We wait on a man. Then we wait for him to propose. Then we wait for the wedding.
I engage with women quite often and it saddens me to hear that they are just waiting on a man to come or waiting on a man they’ve already committed themselves to. Well I’m here to tell you ladies, that your life is about more than waiting on a man.
Here are some dangers of waiting on a man:
1. Missing the Will of God. You know, purpose, destiny. You don’t want to miss that, not for a man especially. It’s important for you to have your own dreams and vision. Use all that energy you’re exerting waiting on a man, begging for a man and thinking all day about a man on something more productive like that dream you’re always dreaming.
Don’t let all your “waiting” have you miss out on what God has for you in this current season. Maybe He needs you single to build you up and draw you close to Him. He could also have a new job for you, or He could have a ministry He’s birthing on the inside of you. He could be providing funds to go on that once in a lifetime trip, but you’ll never know any of this if your focus is on being with a man.
2. Complete Waste of Time. If you know anything about time, you know you can’t get it back. So why waste it? Time is a precious commodity and you want to be sure to take advantage of the time you have. The bible says in James 4, “What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”  We have women out here waiting 10 years for a man. Contrary to popular belief, men know exactly what they want and if by some slim chance they don’t, trust me when I say this, they know what they don’t want. Ladies stop allowing yourself to be bamboozled, tricked, and hoodwinked. While you’re waiting, they’re living.
3. Leads to Desperation. I remember the days I use to be so desperate for a man’s attention, it would drive me to do the most unladylike like things. I was discounting myself and lowering  my standards and that’s dangerous. Truth be told, no man wants a desperate woman. Understand this, your desperation actually pushes men away versus drawing them near.  Desperation will have you doing anything just to get a man.
Chasing a man is not winning. The only thing you win is the loss of your dignity. Confidence is knowing your value instead of expecting a man’s love to provide you with value. Sis be anxious for nothing, be desperate for only God. Allow Him to satisfy your desires. God actually desires for us to be utterly dependent upon Him.
4. Loss Of Identity. While finding your identity is an evolution, we shouldn’t push that aside for the sake of  a relationship. This is exactly how some of us end up as longtime girlfriends or live in lovers, because we were never rooted in who we were created to be to begin with so we just partnered ourselves with some random dude. A random dude is not the man God prepared for you. When you’re rooted in your identity, you wouldn’t dare wait on a man that can’t see you for who God created you to be. Knowing your identity helps you make better life choices.
Don’t get me wrong ladies, waiting is something we will have to do from time to time but, you should never wait on a man if it cost you yourself. That’s too high of a price to pay.