Month: August 2014

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Let It Go: Leaving the Past in the Past

“A time to gain,
and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away.” Ecc. 3:6
It inhibits most of us with anguish we do not even realize is there. It creeps in, settles its way comfortably into our living room couch, creating the butt-imprinted cushion and eating our Orville Redenbacher popcorn with fury.
The safety net of its apathy and easily adaptable comfortable form fitted sheets over our lives give us a sheer, sweet affection for its tangled web.
It makes the relationship or relationships, in which our wounded hearts were so tragically broken from, look unfixable. Humpty Dumpty doesn’t look like he will ever get put back together again. So rather than letting God pick up the pieces of brokenness, to embrace his process of becoming, we encounter the place of fear, unforgiveness and weighted past expectations.
These things become our teacher and our safe harbor without even understanding we have actually let them slip into that role. We think we’ve conquered, demised, shattered, shouted, called out, and burned away all the hurt, pain, and fear from the past.
For most of us we really have, we have given everything over to the Lord. We have prayed, wept and journeyed in forgiveness, joy, sorrow, and brokenness and put it into the Lord’s hands to carry.
In my own personal journey I am one who easily forgives, easily restores communication and becomes the bigger person in most romantic relationships I’ve encountered. I was in a relationship for almost a year, in which I had no doubt in my mind would turn into a forever. It was perfect. It was exactly my bucket list guy. It was the right everything.
And it would never come to pass. When it ended in confusion, what if’s and the insecurity of feeling like I wasn’t “enough or what did I do wrong”, I quickly decided I had to forgive him and be the bigger person, act like everything was great because that’s what a Christian woman of integrity would do.
She would trust it was God’s plan, He knew what He was doing. He was protecting me and saving me in a decision course that could change my destiny. Right? Yes, that’s right… I was sure of it in my mind, in the “knowing what I have to think” mindset.
I had convinced myself unforgiveness and fear was gone when really they were making a settled place in my heart.  I just could not let it go. My plans were done. My future dreams were unsalvageable. My heart was broken. What was God doing? How would anybody compare to this guy?  (Insert your best dramatic really pathetic girly voice here.}
Discovering when logic, and the “right things to think and say” never heal, is when we understand the only healing comes when our heart not just our head is free.
We never truly LET IT GO, we hold onto moments from relationships, dreams from days gone or when we drink Sonic slushies’ you can’t help but think of him/her. Letting go isn’t as easy as Elsa makes it look on Frozen.
Letting it go is the process. Becoming completely undone before the Lord in true trust and faith is the journey. It is never accomplishable in a day or days. It is the movement of coming face to face with being undone.
To let unforgiveness and fear not have a welcome mat, to not secretly let them sneak into our hearts, because the greatest hindrances they have in finding its way into our couch is its ability to withhold greatness and weigh expectations of doubt onto your next relationship.  Believe me you are not alone.
The fear of it’s just not going to work out anyway or the unforgiveness from the previous man, who hurt you is being laid upon the man of God trying to win your heart and affections the right way.  You risk relinquishing all of what God wants to do because we’ve let it go in our minds, with thinking we are over it, thinking we’ve forgiven and pushed past it. But we’ve only memorized the song and have yet to truly allow its powerful message to seep into our soul.
Let it go.  Understand I am here to give you hope and encouragement in your moments where fear and unforgiveness have been your keepers. It’s human. You are not abnormal or imperfect or disappointing to the Father. Letting go isn’t a pretty Disney song.
It is not transforming into a beautiful fancy Elsa dress and life is lovely. Letting it go is the hardest walk we will ever make. It’s walking in a valley so dry you see no sustainable life.
But take heart because the pursuit of the great King after you is like a dying man in search of water in the desert. It’s desperate and unstoppable. He wants to restore hope in the beautiful love story He has waiting.
He knows the days will be rough and hard, but He also knows the light of awakening your heart to fully letting go of it all and handing Him complete control is the greatest display of your faith and true trust in who He is and says He will be.
Let it go.  You can’t control the outcome, the ups and downs or the reasoning’s on this journey.  You can only live this beautiful unexpected life without plans, without fear of failure, without grudges and bitterness. Life is letting it go. Even if it means singing like a Disney princess to really get it!

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Marriage

3 Keys to Become One With Your Spouse Financially

We often hear, “You’re married now, so you’re one…even your finances.” Without knowing much else, we dump our finances into one account and hope for the best. But there is so much more to being one, financially. Let’s look at 3 major components below.
1. Align on your financial core values
Aligning on your core financial values as a couple is honestly more important than “marrying” your bank accounts. Just as you are aligned spiritually, and your spiritual beliefs guide what you will or will not do, so should you align on your financial values and allow them to influence what you will and will not do, financially.
For example, two of the strongest beliefs my hubby and I share (that I encourage you to also share) are:
1) Tithing is not an option. 
2) Debt is not an option. 
My husband, Tyrone, loves to buy workout videos, and he spends more than I would on groceries (mainly because he buys real food!). He’d tell you that I spend way too much on hair products and junk food. But none of this matters! None of this causes tension in our marriage because it doesn’t go against our core financial beliefs.
2. Have a plan for your future
In addition to your core financial beliefs, you and your spouse should always have financial goals that you work toward as a couple. Having mutual financial goals strengthens your bond just like any other mutual goal. And it forces you to think about and plan for the future, together. We all want our latter to be greater, and setting financial goals greatly increases those chances.
The hubby and I have financial goals around investing and saving (e.g. emergency fund, travel fund, etc.), and we agree on how much we’re each able to contribute to each goal.
It is so encouraging to see progress and know that we got there together! Not only do these goals keep us on the same page, but they leave us in a better financial position each year.
3. Hold each other accountable
Now that you have your financial goals, it’s only right to draft a plan and hold yourself accountable. The only way to do this is with a budget. A budget helps you track your spending, so you can cut where you need to (if necessary) in order to direct funds to your financial goals. A monthly budget provides a snapshot view of your finances. With this view, it becomes easier to hold yourself and each other accountable.
Tyrone runs our day-to-day budget, while I focus on our savings. We each stick to our plan based on our financial goals and what we agreed to contribute. The budget quickly highlights if one of us isn’t holding up our end of the deal. We can then talk it through if we need to adjust our plan.
The 3 areas above are key to being one financially. If you and your spouse are ready to start you’re journey, here’s what you can do:
1. Discuss with your spouse what core financial beliefs the two of you will focus on. Allow them to guide your major financial behavior and push you to let go of the small stuff 🙂
2. Discuss with your spouse 1-2 goals that you’d both like to see accomplished. Decide on what you’re each able to contribute, and attach a date to it (1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc.)!
3. Get started on a budget together! List your income and expenses and track your spending, especially against your financial goals. Support and encourage each other, but hold each other accountable

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Dating/Courting Home

Before I Get Naked

It amazes me how men and women take their precious time finding the right person to style their hair, where they buy their homes, or what jobs they take, but choose anybody to occupy their hearts.
The reality is you have to guard your heart as you do your social security number, and that is with CAREFUL protection! We all probably know at least one person who has planned their entire life with someone who they’ve only met for five minutes. They have unloaded their entire life on someone who they haven’t known for a solid twenty-four hours. In essence, they have become completely naked with a stranger.
 
When I say NAKED, I use the term in context of transparency. There is an episode on a TV comedy from the 90’s called the Fresh Prince of Bellaire. An actress by the name of Tisha Campbell was a guest star playing Kathleen that Will Smith dated. They were stuck in the basement because of an earthquake until help arrived. As they waited, Kathleen took her weave out, pulled her press-on nails off, and removed her colored contact lenses.
Will Smith had the hardest time accepting that the superficially attractive woman he had met originally did not seem to be the lady in the basement he was stuck with. While this episode still makes me laugh today, the sad truth is that we have become experts at making ourselves up to appeal “perfect” in hopes to possibly catch a perfect mate.
The problem is, you will soon find out that the mate you portrayed to be perfect for is just as imperfect as you are!
 
So, do you spill your guts out up front or shut down like a city power outage during the dating and courting stages of a relationship? Neither are healthy choices, but the best responses are GRACE and HONESTY.
While dating, grace says, “You are not perfect, but I’m willing to watch and help you grow!” Honesty says, “I am graceful because I know that I’m not perfect either, and I could use some help!”
One of the scariest things you will do while building a relationship is to be completely open and honest with each other. It is a vulnerable space for most. They will see you during your ups or downs, highs and lows, losses and victories.
In the book of Judges, chapter sixteen, I took notes from Samson who laid his strength in the lap of the wrong woman. Samson fell in love with a woman by the name of Delilah who conspired against him by discovering his weakness and giving him over to his enemies.
So before you get “naked” with another person, be certain it is with someone who is committed to building a future and protecting it with you. When the time comes where you meet your potential spouse, you should be sure that you are ready to take on the “Naked” beauty of discovering them.

Categories
Marriage

Are you a Cancer or a Crown to your Husband?

As Christian women, we all strive to be the virtuous woman that is talked about in Proverbs 31, but do we sometimes act like the disgraceful women talked about in other chapters of Proverbs?

Proverbs 12:4 states, “A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.” Another version reads,  “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be a cancer to my husband’s bones. I want to be a wife of noble character that my husband is not ashamed of. I want to be a bright, shiny crown that he isn’t ashamed to wear.
Can I be honest with you for a minute? When I read this verse, I was immediately convicted. I immediately repented because sometimes I am not the easiest person to get along with.
God has brought me a mighty long way, but I still have bad days where my attitude is horrible and my mouth gets the best of me.
I have days where I can be down right mean. I realized some times I am like a cancer to my husband (YIKES!), but the great thing about having Jesus as my savior is having his grace. He graces me daily and doesn’t hold yesterday’s wrongs against me today.
He strengthens me and helps me to continue to grow and change and to be a better person, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, and better at any other title I hold.
He can do the same for you. We all have bad days. The key is to not let those bad days define you and to make sure those bad days and moments don’t turn into bad habits and a lifestyle of disrespect.
If you are a wife struggling with submitting to your husband or showing him the respect God has called you to show to your husband, you can change. God can soften your heart towards your husband and show you how to be a worthy wife of noble character. You just have to be willing. I am praying for you!
 
 
 
 

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Engaged

6 Reasons Why Godly Women Should Not Propose to a Man

So, recently I have seen several pictures circulating around social media with women proposing to their men.  While it may look very cute, I think it really sets a bad precedent for the future of those marriages considering that  if the intent is  to have a godly marriage, there  there is a godly model that should be followed. If you just want marriage for the sake of marriage—no problem.
However, if you are a Christian, then modeling the plan which God ordained for marriage will be for your benefit.
With that said, here are 6 biblical reasons why a woman should NOT propose to a man!
 
1. Marriage is God’s idea
Many people who do not even walk with God continue to follow the tradition of getting married in churches. Why was this a tradition? Because traditionally marriage was viewed as an institution that God created and many believe that the covenant being made should be before God and witnesses. It is clear that society has now made it a simple formality. We all are aware that marriage in scripture looked nothing like it does today.
However in scripture, EVERY single time people got married, a man was sent to a woman’s family, asked for her, took her to his family, and there he cared for her and they worked together to be fruitful and multiply and advance the kingdom of God.
Genesis 1:28 says, “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” For Christians, our instructions on marriage come from scripture because God is the founder of marriage. I believe if God makes something, it is best to follow his instructions on how it operates. Not our own.
2. Marriage models the kingdom of God.
Throughout scripture you see Jesus referring to the church as his bride.
Revelation 19:7-9 says, “Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself  with fine linen, bright and pure— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. And the angel said to me, ’Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.’ And he said to me, ‘These are the true words of God.’”
Jesus is coming for his bride that we are preparing for him. In the same way, a woman prepares herself for her husband, and then he comes and he takes her as his wife. If it was the other way around, the bride would come for Jesus. The constant symbolic model of Jesus and his bride is a consistent reminder of the order found in scripture of a husband loving his wife as Christ loves the church, and the wife honoring the husband.
As Christians, what we are living for is that final marriage as described in Revelations. Jesus will take his bride, and that is the model that has been set up for us to follow as well.
 
3. The Biblical roles of marriage becomes confused.
Most of the time when men make the decision to propose to someone, it is not something that is a fluke. Most men, or I should say Godly men, put in a lot of prayer, thought, and planning. Usually they carefully make the decision, because they know the responsibility that comes with taking a wife.
Some of what a husband is called to do is provide, protect, nurture, lead, instruct, and give vision to the family. When a woman proposes to a man, she is taking on the role of the man to lead, provide, and even to protect.  Often times this emasculates the man, causing the roles to be switched, even in the marriage.
Ephesians 5:21-24- Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
As mentioned above, there is a biblical model on the order of a marriage. Men submit to God; women submit to their husbands; Christ submits to God. The submission that the Bible speaks about refers to the woman following the leading of her husband; this does not mean she does not have a voice. As a  matter of fact,  a Godly husband empowers his wife to be who God called her too.
The wife should marry a man who she trusts to make good decisions, which in turn allows her to follow his leading. When there is a disagreement about the future of the house and what is to happen with the family, biblically it is the man who is to make the final decision, as he has been given influence and responsibility for the wellness of the house.
When a woman enters into a relationship making the most important decision, which in this case is to take “the man” as her wedded husband, the relational roles are distorted from the very beginning.
For those that do not believe in certain gender roles in marriage, this may seem okay, but from my experience as a counselor, sooner or later this will cause a problem. Once again, there is an instruction manual that God has provided, and marriage works best when we follow the instructions that come with it.
 
4. Men lose their innate ability to pursue and win the affection of their spouse.
Men are naturally born to pursue and conquer. I am not saying women are to be conquered, but that their hearts are to be won. If you speak to most men, even if they are shy, they love the joy of winning over the affection of their bride.
Proverbs 18:22 says “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
To find is to look for something and then acquire it.  The process of looking is not the same as finding. Most of the times when you find something, it becomes yours. The job of a man is not just to look, but to capture his wives heart and make it his. In marriage he will continue to pursue her love and her affection.
That’s why scripture says “Husbands love your wives with an everlasting love, just as Christ loves the church.” The love and pursuit Christ has for the church is ongoing. The pursuit to win many to him is ongoing as well, and so should the pursuit of the husband for the wife.
Men receive joy from the pursuit; the proposal is the sealing of the deal of the first part of that pursuit. It is the decision to fully commit to the one they have been longing for and to make a full commitment to care for her and love her in front of others. Men have innate instincts that motivate them to  pursue a woman, make her his bride, and love her just as Christ loves the church.
When we do things the other way around, we take their ability to pursue, lead, and even create and advance away from them. When we pursue a man for marriage, we are setting ourselves up to pursue him the rest of the marriage.
 
5. It further weakens their ability to make decisions as a leader.
Even though most men know within the first few weeks of dating if someone is wifey material (Yes, I said that), some need a little time preparing financially or emotionally. If God has revealed to both the man and woman they are to be married, it is important to gain a clear understanding of what courtship looks like in the kingdom so that both people have a clear timeline of events.
Marriage is a decision for both people to make. However, once both parties decide, it is then the job of the man to help seal the deal by taking his bride. It’s the job of the woman to help the man make good decisions and lead well.
Here is a piece from a writer named Scott croft:
“Among the different roles assigned to men and women in the Bible, men are assigned the role of leadership. This is true in the church and in the family. This is not a signal of male superiority or of the greater importance of men. It is simply God’s design and assignment of equally valuable roles among spiritually equal beings. Men initiate, women respond. Briefly, biblical support for this position is found, among other passages, in the creation order in Genesis 2, in 1 Corinthians 11: 7-9, and Ephesians 5. True, these passages refer to marriage, but it is wise and right to set patterns that will serve you well in marriage, especially if one accepts the premise that the purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner.”
 
6. Every woman deserves to be pursued.
There is honor and dignity that is given to a woman when she is pursued and won over. You are worthy of the pursuit. When you read Song of Solomon, you see how he pursues the bride over and over. This book can be taken as a literal love story, or as an allegorical one of Christ’s love for the church—his bride.
Either way, he pursues the bride. In the same manner Jesus pursues us daily with his love, calling us deeper into relationship with him, we should want our marriages to model that. Allow yourself to be pursued to the end; and allow the man God has for you to win your affection and claim you as his.  Women do play a role in this, they have the most important job of saying “yes.”
Marriage is not just up to the man, women position themselves and partner with their spouse to begin to build a legacy. Women position yourselves to do your part and allow men to do their part. He should be the one to put the ring on your finger
This is why we believe preparing for marriage God’s way is VITALLY important to drawing the right person that will lead you well in marriage.
 
 

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Home

Convenient Relationships Vs. Covenant Relationships

There is a significant difference between a person who desires a covenant relationship with you and one who wants a convenient relationship with you.
Convenient relationships are established through those who are lonely, selfish, bored, has an ungodly desire for intimacy or romance, have a strong spirit of idolatry of relationships or marriage or who are governed by lust.
It is created when a person desires companionship, intimacy, someone to “take” from or manipulate, then looks for a person to be in an intimate relationship with even though they are not mature enough (naturally or spiritually) to entertain a committed relationship.
People who look for convenient relationships usually have no intention of commitment or their perspective of commitment is dysfunctional.
Convenient relationships are based on selfishness and what he/she can get out of someone else, at the other person’s expense. Men and women who look for convenient relationships are typically receivers and give only when it cost them nothing.
They most commonly enter into convenient relationships for selfish or fleshly reasons (most commonly for sexual or financial gain).
Convenient relationships can last any where from a few days to several years. Most people who entertain this type of relationship do not know they are in one and do not see it as being dysfunctional. There are several different reasons why people enter into or pursue relationships that are convenient, but all of them are unhealthy.
Those who are being used in their relationship rarely see they are being used whether it is for sex, money or emotional stability. If you are the only person who gives in your relationships (whether it is time, finances, emotional support…) you are likely entertaining a convenient relationship and are being used. The relationship is based on selfishness and convenience.
On the other hand, Covenant relationships are the idea of God and are based on commitment, loyalty, faithfulness, and unconditional love. Covenant relationships are not just limited to male-female relationships. It is also relevant and necessary where ever there is a God-ordained relationship, friendship, mentorship, discipleship or marriage.
If we consider the story of David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel 18:3-4 we see the nature of their relationship was a covenant one.
“3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.”
The foundation for covenant relationships is selflessness. In covenant relationships the desire to give to the other person far exceeds the desire to receive from them. Selflessness, Honor, Respect, Commitment, Faithfulness, Honesty, Loyalty, Oneness, Sensitivity, Accountability, Transparency and Unconditional love all attributes found in Covenant Relationships.
​Those who understand covenant understands it is not their relationships that fulfills them but instead, their fulfillment comes from God. We are to first establish a covenant relationship with Christ to learn the love of God. Once we understand His love, we are able to reciprocate it and are enabled to become faithful and committed to Christ in order to become prepared to do the same for our future mate. Covenant must first be learned through your relationship with Christ then it can be modeled later within your relationships.
The main prerequisite for marriage is covenant. If marriage is your desire you must follow covenant principles in your potential or current relationships. You can not enter into a convenient relationship with a man or woman and expect a God ordained marriage to come from it.
Convenient relationships will never have the potential to grow or evolve because it is not the intent or nature of the relationship. Although it may last for quite sometime you will find yourself in an endless cycle of trying to make the other person walk in covenant with you when it is clearly not their desire or within their ability to do so.
Waiting on God and his timing along with allowing God to instill covenant principles within you will ensure you will not waste time in dead-end, convenient relationships. Despite what society tells you, it is possible to have a covenant relationship which is based on love, faithfulness and commitment.
You don not have to settle for anything less!

This week is the Launch Week of Co-Founder of Married and Young, NEW BOOK, 25 Ways to Prepare for Marriage other than Dating.  For this week we are offering special hidden deals within various articles.  Click here or the picture below to get 25% off the Digital Ebook! Don’t miss out on this special offer.

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Dating/Courting Home

3 Prayers Your Future Spouse Needs You to Pray

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Engaged Marriage

Spotlights & Sidelines: Whose Dreams Come First? Part 2

Pursuing and accomplishing individual dreams and goals while also maintaining a healthy marriage can seem a daunting task. Before you let resentment and disappointment get the better of you, remember that God designed us to flourish in a marriage covenant, both jointly and as a unique creation. Here are some key strategies to adopt that will put you on the road to success in this area.
 
1. Put Your Marriage First
No matter how lofty your aspirations are and what kind of effort it takes to reach those heights, the person sitting across from you should never play second fiddle. God created marriage as a picture of how Jesus relates to his people, and stewarding that is the ultimate priority.
It is an orphan and fear based mentality that says you have do something, be something, or get something for yourself before you can commit fully to others. The Word instructs wives to submit and honor their husbands, and husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Guys, if you think you got the better end of the deal there, think again…Christ loved the church so much that he gave his life for them, so while your wife must simply submit, you have to die.)
 
2. Communicate Clearly
A lot of marital problems could be easily resolved if we would just talk to each other. Mind reading is not a gift of the Holy Spirit and we can’t assume, with all that goes on in life, that our spouse is perfect enough to retain every detail of your hopes and dreams. It is a constant conversation that needs to happen as seasons and situations change.
If you feel resentment building because your spouse is unsupportive or unaware of your goals, then sit down and remind them what you are passionate about. We have not because we ask not, right?
3.  Validate Your Spouse
Their are a lot of times when one partner’s dreams seem so much “greater” than the others. Husband is going through law school and wife wants to be a stay at home mom. Wife wants to pursue an acting career and husband wants to coach little league.
No matter how big or small the dream, they are all “great” in the heart of the person who dreams them. You must intentionally and proactively validate what beats in your spouse’s heart. Encourage them regularly and make it known that what is important to them is important to you.
4. Come Up With A Game Plan
All of the communication and encouragement in the world means nothing if there is no action. First of all pray and listen to the Holy Spirit. He is there to guide you with heavenly wisdom so don’t ignore that valuable asset.
Pull out the schedules and the budgets and see what resources are available to you. Intentionally work out how much time, money, and energy will be spent on goals, both individual and joint. If it is a season for one of you to take the spotlight then don’t be afraid to put more toward that goal. Create clear short term and long term goals, including strict deadlines, to keep yourselves on track.
It is said that two heads are better than one so we need to start seeing marriage as instrumental and not detrimental to the fulfilling of our dreams and desires. You are a dynamic duo, so don’t let the enemy steal what God has meant for good. Stay open, stay focused, and stand united under Christ’s love and allow God to do as He promised, to give you above and beyond all you could ask or imagine.