Guest Writer: Lauren Anderson
This is the first time I am opening up about my rape two years ago. After it happened, I quickly moved on and “didn’t let it bother me.” But, recently life kind of slap me in the face and I ran into the guy who drugged me and raped me two years ago.
I wasn’t aware of the effects it had on me until I had to re-face the situation. I was traumatized all over again. PTSD does not just happen in war, and it was something I truly had to take the time to walk though.
As I write this post, I know most of you don’t know me, but some of you may. I want my story to be heard because of the beauty that has come out of it. I have felt alone because of this experience and I never really knew how to process it all, or truly heal from it. Today I read this poem to my Counselor, who had me write this to the guy who raped me. For the first time, I felt the healing from the power of what God’s LOVE has truly done through the situation.
No matter what you’ve been through, faith is all you need to get through it….faith that God is GOOD. Truly living by faith and not by sight. We have a choice to live in despair as a victim, or with faith as a conqueror. I chose faith and most of the time it wasn’t easy. But…no matter what you’re facing…..I pray you keep faith. I will never try to understand God, because I know I can’t. My “why’s” may never be answered, but I probably wouldn’t understand them now anyways. So, here it is…….my raw emotions displayed for you to see. A part of who I am.
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You Robbed Me……
When a robber breaks into your house, they invade your space, they go where they don’t belong.
A place you considered to be safe and comforting, the place you called Home.
They go in with the intention of taking something of value, something that is not theirs.
You Robbed Me.
You took the comfort and safety out of the very home that I live and breathe in.
You invaded my space and who I am.
You changed me.
Because of you I am different, I see differently, and I feel differently.
I did not invite you in to change me and to take value, but you took without thinking.
You took without considering the true value of what you were taking.
…..a part of ME
A part of me that someone else will want “to have and to hold,”
A part of me that requires trust and time…..You just took it.
I may not remember it and I don’t have memories to haunt me, but I feel the void.
In the very core of who I am I know what you took, and THAT haunts me.
It haunts me in a way that I feel at fault, that I should have done something more to stop you.
That I was the one who was wrong.
That I should have seen you coming.
But no…you came in the darkness of the night…my unconsciousness.
Waking up and knowing something was different, knowing what you did and my body was unable to stop it.
You took away my control of the sole thing I thought I may have real control over in this world….myself.
You took beauty and replaced it with filth.
You took light and replaced it with darkness.
You took confidence and left insecurities.
You took romance and left doubt.
You took faith and trust and left me with question.
You left me with a scar that I have to know is within me the rest of my life. A scar that is not visible, but felt. Felt in the very inner part of me.
You will never know, or even give it another thought.
You took and yet got nothing.
You took a part of me….A part of me you never even knew.
BUT
Here’s the Beauty in the Midst of Darkness.
You also GAVE me something.
You took what no man can replace yes, but you gave me reason to search.
You gave me a situation to overcome.
You gave me darkness so I could truly search for light.
You gave me questions so I could truly search for who I really am.
You gave me something I could never overcome alone….and though you made me feel alone…I now know I am not….and never was.
You gave me a rock bottom so I could know who was the rock at my bottom.
WHY?…………because I have a God who turns ashes into Beauty.
About the Guest Contributing Writer: My name is Lauren Anderson and I am currently working towards my Masters Degree in Counseling at Dallas Baptist University. I am passionate about helping people and this has only grown by walking through my own traumatic experiences of being raped two years ago. It’s nothing you see coming as is true with every traumatic event and is nothing you can be prepared for. It’s been a long journey but God has shown me more about him and myself than I could ever ask for. You are never alone.