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4 Biblical Laws to Pursuing a Relationship
Month: July 2014
Life can be a jerk sometimes…especially when you have multiple areas of life to keep in check. Work, family, kids, and especially marriage.
The beautiful thing about marriage, however, is that we don’t have to go through anything alone. Literally. There isn’t a situation or problem in life that isn’t equally shared with your spouse. And it isn’t a 50/50 relationship, it is 100% – 100%.
Still, being married doesn’t just solve your problems. The problems still arise and they are just as crazy as they were before your marriage, if not twice as crazy. In the past few months ALONE, I personally know individuals who have been diagnosed with cancer, lost their jobs, got divorced, been evicted, had family members die, been in car accidents, had major surgeries, lost their businesses, taken in foster children etc.
This past year I’ve personally been befriended (not on facebook…in lifebook A.K.A. real life,) quit my job, lost a business, lost a car, been to the ER a couple times for my daughters, went through severed ties with family members, and even made myself physically sick in the process of being so stressed with work..and the list goes on my friends….
It is just so scary as you begin to fathom the depths of hurt, pain and confusion that people go through day in and day out. How do we cope with it, communicate it, process it, and ultimately, move past it – all while maintaining a HEALTHY marriage.
Well, I don’t claim to be a know it all, but I have been through some crazy things. And among all of the things I have tried to cope with life, there are really only 2 vital steps that have ever TRULY helped me thrive in life, along side my wife.
1. Renewing Your Mind Daily
This needs to be both an individual and collective experience. The process of renewal involves simply removing the old and bringing in the new. Point blank. Don’t make it more complicated than it is. As you go through situations with your spouse, take time to center yourself and truly find meaning behind everything. God uses the most bizarre and difficult situations to bring your marriage into unity.
Individually, I choose to use my alone time with God, meditating, focusing and finding peace as a daily ritual in renewing my mind.
Collectively, my wife and I begin with discussing and working through hard things together. Many people jump straight to prayer, which is a beautiful thing. But, you have to remember that there are two different people viewing the same situation with different perspectives, thoughts, and emotions.
Having an open discussion prior to prayer allows you to be on the same mind wave and pray more effectively together. So, my wife and I choose to have conversations about where God is in different situations and then we pray through them to seal our discoveries.
2. Healthy Mentoring (above and below)
The structure and process of mentoring is such a beautiful thing. Many people immediately think of mentoring as a controlling atmosphere of accountability. I view mentoring as ‘guidance’ by the transferring of knowledge and wisdom. One of the worst places we can allow our minds and hearts to go in marriage, is into a place of solitude, loneliness, and abandonment.
When we think we are alone and don’t have a sense of community (no matter how large or small) we begin to decay as we walk in the devils playground.
When I refer to “above and below,” I am speaking of being mentored and mentoring at the same time. To truly find meaning and purpose in life, it is important to always have someone pouring into your life, while you pour into others lives. The healthy flow allows steady and sustainable life growth and can often bring truth and perspective in marriage’s darkest moments.
Life is ridiculous.. But if we respond to hard situations by being wishy-washy and lofty, and ultimately separating ourselves from our spouses during the process, then we will inevitably be at the mercy of our current circumstances.
Make the choice with your spouse to take control of life and incorporate the two points above into your marriage.
I guarantee if you take time daily to renew and focus your mind, while receiving and giving mentorship, your marriage will experience a peace and growth that you never thought was possible.
Married at First Sight is a new reality show airing tonight. They are taking 6 ridiculously courageous and possibly idiotic men and women who will agree to be paired up by relationship experts. This is not a blind date, but a blind marriage. Each couple will commit to be legally married all before they see the person. The show will then follow them for 6 weeks at which they will have the decision to legally divorce or continue in the marriage.
My honest opinion. I’m not mad about pairing up two strangers based upon their compatibility because its been done for hundreds of years in other countries. Arranged marriages are apart of many countries process by which they allow their parents to choose their spouses without ever meeting them. I have watched many interviews by couples who were arranged and happy with their marriage.
Where I become very opposed at this experiment is the option they are giving them to divorce after only 6 weeks. Marriage IS NOT an experiment. Marriage is an COMMITMENT! This reveals hollywood’s mentality towards marriage. If you’re not happy, then get out. Marriage is not about you, but everything about the other person. Happiness doesn’t keep a marriage together, commitment does.
We can all agree that 6 weeks is a spit in the face to God’s invention of covenant. God loves us by making covenant with us through His son committing to love unconditionally no matter the circumstance. This is how husbands love their wives, and wives love their husbands.
When Christ died for us, He died for us while we were still sinners! He didn’t wait to see who he liked to then die for them, but through His commitment to be beat, humiliated, and nailed to the cross, He chose us.
They have reduced marriage down to a humanistic invention that completely eradicates God’s purpose of creating marriage which was to lay our life down for our spouses which make us more like Him ultimately bringing glory to Jesus! Marriage has nothing to do with our happiness and everything to do with pleasing to God.
I end with this quote by John Piper, “God is most gloried in us, when we are most satisfied in Him”.
What are your thoughts? Lets talk about this as a christian community!
Imagine that you’re in a relationship, but your instincts are nudging you in another direction. You knew the relationship wouldn’t evolve, but you decided to entertain it anyway. Maybe you felt pressure from your friends, family, or even your mate to stick with the hope that maybe one day they’ll become everything that you want them to be.
For many, this story hits home. I can remember my teenage years being involved in endless dating cycles, having no real intent with any of the girls I dated, but participating in the comforts they provided. I mean, everyone needs someone right?!
The cycle spilled over into the first years of my college life. I can remember dating a girl wondering “Is she even someone I would actually marry, or was it just her beauty that captivated me?” During this season in my life I was recommitting my relationship to God. My life grew so dry because there was nothing that I was connected to that stimulated creativity, spontaneity, or even challenged me intellectually.
It was a night in the fall of 2008, that I had begin to seek a life that was completely surrendered to God, which in turn would help me to develop other fruitful relationships. This was that moment that I asked myself, “What are my expectations from the next relationship I entertain?” That question changed my psychology on relationships and gave me the opportunity to meet the woman who I plan to spend the rest of my life with!
Prior to my current relationship, I was in two long-term relationships (at separate times, of course) before finding the woman that I undeniably wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
There are two reasons that accounted for this: Number one, I was committed! Number two, I used “strategy” after recommitting to my relationship with God in 2008.
I had learned at a Christian workshop that you have three phases to go through before getting married: Dating, Courtship, Engagement, and then Marriage! These are the helpful tips I want to share to encourage you on your next “Intentional” relationship.
Dating is a time when you are evaluating your mate to make sure that you both are equally yoked. Scripture teaches in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “…what fellowship can light have with darkness…” If you have a desire and goal to live in the complete light that God shines through you by Him, then it is important that you protect it. By all means, what is not adding to your life is taking away from it, so sow wisely into fruitful relationships.
Once you are sure that you are ready to move into the next phase of dating, prepare for the Courting stage. In this phase, you are positioning yourself for a life potentially spent with your mate forever! By this time, you have become comfortable with that person who spends all of your time, energy, and money. Usually filters are disregarded, vulnerability is heightened, and a deep sense of security has developed. This can be one of the scariest stages, but one of the most delightful experiences as well. This is the moment when you make your decision if your mate is the person that you can see yourself serving, supporting, and celebrating for the rest of your life. When the proposal takes place, you should have solid reasons for answering YES!
Once you hit the Engagement phase, your “yes” becomes your preparation! Marriage is about purpose. There is a quote that I love by David Reuben that says, “Marriage is like a long trip in a tiny rowboat; if one passenger starts to rock the boat, the other has to steady it; otherwise they’ll both go to the bottom together.” It is so important to know what your purpose is in life so that your mate can support it; No one will sit too long behind a parked car on any expressway! In this engagement phase, you are literally preparing, sacrificing, and investing for one of God’s greatest designs, MARRIAGE!
If you can filter your dating process through these helpful tips, you will discover the beauty in fruitful relationships. Try it out and enjoy the process! And as for my story…well, my near future involves an engagement ring!
It was at the age of 12 that I first heard the term, “One night stand.” And, my immediate reaction was, “Ewww, why would anyone do that?” And, even now I am still responding the same. My wife and I, on one chill Sunday evening, decided to rent the movie, “About Last Night”, starring Kevin Hart. I am a Kevin Hart fan so despite hearing how overly sexual it was; I wanted to see it for myself.
Well, they were wrong. It actually surpasses overly sexual. The entire movie was centered on a one-night stand. I asked my wife, “Why do people work backwards from having sex as complete strangers to then wanting to see if the relationship has potential for the future”?
She then responded to me saying, “Because they don’t have the revelation of their value as a created being of God.”
I was listening to the song, “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith, and in it he sings, “Guess it’s true, I’m not good at a one-night stand, But I still need love ‘cause I’m just a man.”
The first time I heard this song in the car, tears began to form in my eyes. I immediately heard God say to me, “I didn’t create my children for one night stands, I created them for covenant.”
It breaks the heart of God to see His children settle for the artificial love and temporary satisfaction that comes from having sex with a stranger or someone outside of marriage. Its not just a physical act, but its also an emotional act.
Our culture today sees one night stands as adventurous, or enjoying life while you can, but it goes much deeper than that. You were created for so much more.
We, as the creation of God, were made for covenant relationships. We were made for relationships that last a lifetime. We were made to be valued, honored, and respected. The person who is committed to earn your mind and body by waiting for you until marriage is the one that deserves it.
This lifestyle is very dangerous, and most likely will end in regret. But, there is freedom in Christ. Turn to God for help for He desires to reveal how much He loves and values you for who you are.
Co-Founder of Married and Young, Jamal Miller, new upcoming book, 25 Ways to Prepare for Marriage, will be released in July. Join the community to receive updates, pre-order special offers, and much more. Click here to join.
You would think being married to your best friend, your better half, and the love of your life would mean effective communication would come easily. WRONG.
Learning to communicate with your spouse effectively and successfully can be quite challenging especially during times of distress and conflict.
After reading books, listening to podcasts, and putting different things into practice, I’ve found a few ways to help make communicating with your spouse more effective and more pleasurable during times of conflict.
1. Take a breather:
If you feel yourself heating up and becoming angry, take some time to calm down and pray. Ask God to give you the right words to say and the right way to say them. Ask Him to remove all hostility and to remind you that you are on the same team as your spouse.
9 times out of 10, you will say something you don’t mean out of anger, and the situation will become worse. When we are angry, we are most likely already defensive and won’t take what our spouse is saying into consideration.
Everything our spouse says will add fuel to our fire and the conversation will go nowhere. Taking some time away from the conversation, disagreement, or argument will be very beneficial.
2. Instead of saying “You said…” say “What I heard you say was…”
My husband and I were listening to the “One Extraordinary Marriage” podcast when we came across this tool. Saying “you said” typically makes your spouse feel attacked, and he/she will either become defensive or will shut down especially if you are accusing them of saying something they never said because you were too upset to hear them correctly.
Saying “what I heard you say was” gives your spouse the chance to clarify what they said and/or the intent behind what they said. This will keep communication open and keep anyone from feeling attacked.
3. Dance:
I know you are probably thinking, “How can dancing help open the lines of communication between my spouse and I?”
My husband and I will slow dance to no music when we are upset with each other and one of us or both of us have shut down. To be honest with you, sometimes I don’t feel like dancing when he grabs my hand because I am mad and not in the mood to “make-up,” but during the dance the tension eases and we begin to talk out our issue openly and respectfully in a cool, calm tone.
I have found it draws us closer and increases our intimacy with one another. So when in doubt, just dance.
If you’re struggling with bitterness towards your spouse, check out this article to help encourage you.
Healthy communication is major for all marriages that desire to thrive. What are some strategies you and your spouse have learned to communicate more efficiently? Comment below to share with others.
We all know what a counterfeit dollar is right? It looks like real money but upon examination we find out it is not. According to the United States Department of Treasury , an estimated 70 million counterfeit dollars are believed to be in circulation, or there is approximately one counterfeit note for every 10,000 in genuine currency (Wikipedia 2014).
One of the most frequently asked questions I get is “How will I be able to identify the counterfeit person in my dating relationships?”
Several years of counseling individuals who ended up with counterfeits has helped me learn certain clues that one can identify to determine the authenticity of the person you are with.
1. What does the real thing look like?
When you are waiting for a mate, have an idea of at least five core values, that you are not willing to compromise with. Values like “She loves God, he is hard working, he must be truthful, she is kind etc.).
Identify those “certain must have’s” that are meaningful. When people come into your path that are missing those core values they may not be the real thing. We all know the color, texture, quality of real money. Likewise the more time you spend in God’s face learning what the real thing looks like the easier it will be to identify the counterfeit.
2. What is their value?
Real money has real value and it adds value to your bank account. Counterfeit money may look like it will add value, but when closely examined you begin to see that it actually depreciates your worth. This is the same with people.
Look at what they bring into your relationship and ask your self if they bring you closer to God and make you a better person. If all they bring is chaos, drama, confusion, or heartache, they are probably not the real thing.
“The blessing of the lord maketh you rich and add no sorrow” (Proverbs 10:22).
Relationships are not perfect but they should always bring you joy even in the hard moments.
3. Can they withstand the light?
What do I mean by this? When your parents, friends, mentors, and leaders inspect this person, what do they have to say about him or her? Seek wise council. There is protection in a multitude of counselors.
Heed the voice of those who care about you! What do others see when they take a close look at the person? Counterfeit money is put under a light to examine its real contents. Have the people in your life you trust examine the content by shining a light on the person you are interested in.
4. Are they consistent?
Counterfeit dollars crumble in the wash. How does the person you are interested in handle stress, difficult times, and misunderstandings?
Their ability to act in a certain way consistently throughout different scenarios is a huge indicator they are who they say they are.
As Maya Angelo said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them.” People will give you clues to their character by how they handle certain situations.
5 . When did they come into your life?
Timing is key with counterfeit people. They will come into your life either when you are most desperate, or most focused. Examine the time they showed up. Was it a season God had called you to walk closer to him, or you felt you should focus on a particular area?
Did their coming help you focus or distract you? Has their presence in your life been an added benefit or a distraction?
6. Are you compromising in any way?
Counterfeit people like to get something out of your life without exchanging it for its true value. People use counterfeit money which has no value usually to ascertain something that is valuable.
If you find yourself giving up something valuable without a level of mutual compensation, commitment, or covenant, you might be dealing with a counterfeit! If there are certain standards, especially Godly morals, that you are relinquishing for this person they may be a counterfeit.
7. Are you experiencing confusion?
As believers our lives are governed by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit always brings peace. If you are experiencing confusion, torment, or a lack of peace, it is most likely a clue from the Holy Spirit that either the situation is not right, or you have some internal things that you need to work on. Either way take it slow.
There are many signs and signals one can look for, but the most important thing you can do is learn to hear God’s voice because His Spirit will always lead us into all truth if we heed it. God bless you guys! May God bring the perfect mate for you!
Co-Founder of Married and Young, Jamal Miller, new upcoming book, 25 Ways to Prepare for Marriage other than Dating, will be released in July. Join the community to receive updates, pre-order special offers, and much more.Click here to join.