One Decision that Could Make Dating A Lot Easier

Guest Writer: Callie Nelsen
 
 
By no means would I consider myself a dating expert.
Over the years, I will say that I’ve learned some important lessons. Like, maybe you shouldn’t allow a guy to use your computer after you’ve been Googling him. Or, don’t leave a guy alone with your friends until you’re in a committed relationship. And, ordering food that can get into your mouth without spilling everywhere or messing up your face is a GREAT decision.
Along with those “extremely important” lessons, the majority of my dating experiences have left me wishing I could somehow convince men to make the decision to communicate intentions.
There is a memory that is forever burned in my mind. I had been driving home after a date and was processing the conversations we had throughout the night.  He told me he was looking for a wife and the next person he was in a committed relationship with was going to be the woman he would marry.  He told me what he was looking for in a wife (I met each criteria…yikes!!). He asked me if I wanted to go on another date. I assumed he was interested, but I’d been in the same situation before and completely misread “the signs.” Not wanting to be fooled again, I kept my guard up.
 
However, before I could pull into my driveway, he called me. After beating around the bush for an hour he told me he really liked me, apologizing for not bringing this up during our date. He explained his intentions even further than what he already mentioned. At that point, I knew exactly what he was thinking, and I felt comfortable explaining my thoughts on the situation.
 
Have you ever been on a boat in the wind? Then, all of a sudden, the wind stops and the boat stops rocking? That’s how I felt. Or when you go through turbulence as you’re flying and it seems like it will never end? Then, when it does, your life feels right again? That’s how I felt. I felt a freedom I had rarely experienced in dating after we had that conversation.
 
When you don’t have to guess, wonder, try to read non-verbal clues, or read into comments that are made, it’s much easier to be yourself, open up, and focus on what God is saying about the relationship. I’ve found that confusions in the early stages of a relationship can create distractions. Distractions can lead to emotional instability. Emotional instability can lead to acting out of character. Acting out of character can lead to not being true to yourself in a relationship. Not being yourself in a relationship can lead to allllll sorts of issues.
Mystery and ambiguity can be exciting, but I’ve found there comes a point when they just lead to problems.
I’m aware this may not apply to everyone and I hope this doesn’t come off as an attack on men. But, in my opinion, a lot of frustrations in relationships stem from a lack of understanding intentions. If I was basing this solely on my own experiences, I don’t think I would feel as strongly.
However, I have seen countless friends trying to navigate new relationships and instead of feeling excited and having fun in the beginning stages, the process is steeped in jealousy, over-analyzing, confusion, and frustration because they don’t know what the other person is thinking.
I also understand that having this conversation is extremely intimidating and even potentially awkward. It’s hard to bring up, and there’s a possibility of getting shot down. I know it puts a lot of pressure on the guy, and may even seem old-fashioned.
But friends, it will do wonders for your relationships and your emotional health.
The relationship I had talked about at the beginning didn’t work out. The details aren’t important, but we both saved so much time and energy throughout the process simply because I knew from the beginning what the relationship was. I never questioned what he was thinking or feeling, and therefore could enjoy getting to know him without the pressures of trying to figure out how to act or what to say.
In conclusion:
Men: I want you to know how valuable describing your intentions will be when you are pursuing a new relationship. Even if you say, “I really don’t know exactly where this is going to go yet, but I do know I enjoy being around you and would like to get to know you better,” I can almost guarantee the girl you’re dating will feel at peace and gain so much respect for you. Girls will be the one to initiate if they have to, but I have to admit – if I were to initiate the conversation I would feel less feminine. I’ve also heard from guys that it can be uncomfortable when girls do this and that it often doesn’t end well. (Again, this is a general statement –  I know this isn’t always the case!)
Ladies: You’re not off the hook! Throughout the beginning stages of a relationship, be respectful and honoring, doing everything you can to create an environment where the guy feels confident in having that conversation. And when he does open up to you, do yourself a favor and open up right back!
 
 
Biography:
Callie Nelsen is a 4^th grade teacher, softball and volleyball coach, IEC (international exchange) coordinator, traveler, singer/songwriter, from Lake Crystal – a small town in Southern Minnesota. She has been the worship leader at Abundant Life Church for the past two years and has done some public speaking as well.  She graduated from Gustavus Adolphus College in 2010 with a degree in Elementary Education and an emphasis in Spanish and Math.  She also graduated from Bethel School of Worship in 2013.  She released her first CD, ‘In the Sight of You’ in 2013 and is currently working on her second album.