Are You Really Listening?

 
Just this past Saturday I played another game of tennis in which I lost. In fact I haven’t won a game all year, but I still love the game and continue to play. One of the wonderful things I like about playing tennis is how social the game is. In fact, after a match I spoke with one of my frequent opponents about marriage. I told him about how I’ve been helping people with their marriages and there seems to be a common theme. When there are issues within a marriage, it seems that a lot of times this is because no one is listening to each other. I often find myself saying to them, you are both right and you are both wrong.
 
I have found this to be true in my marriage. I find myself being very frustrated when I tell my wife that I like doors closed and lights off when one leaves the room, but she continues to leave doors open and lights on. I’m very certain that she gets frustrated with me when she finds my clothes laying on the floor next to the hamper instead of being in the hamper. I know these may seem like trivial requests, but since they are important to each of us and therefore they are important and should be treated as such.
 
Many of the people that I interact with are highly motivated professionals who seek advancement in their careers. They are committed to success and do whatever it takes to succeed in what they do. When their boss makes requests of them, they do whatever it takes to meet the goal of the task. They take the boss’ request very seriously and comply. Of course they do this because it is their job and if they would like to keep their jobs, so they will do what it takes to make sure they do. Individuals will read and attend training and seminars in order to ensure that they meet and exceed the expectations of their bosses. They know what to do to succeed at their job because they LISTEN to their boss.
 
What I find baffling is that we apply this focus and tenacity to our jobs, but will not apply the same focus and tenacity to our families.  I believe that’s what probably frustrates many spouses. They see their mate working so hard to please their bosses, but when they get home they’re not as intentional when it comes to listening to their families needs and pleasing their families. I was at one time guilty of this. I am an academic advisor and I noticed that I was patient and extra-accommodating to my students, but I didn’t extend the same courtesy to my family. I then had a epiphany: I would have my family forever and this job is very temporary. My family needs my patience and listening ear, and I must accommodate them in every way possible. They are my family. They are my responsibility. They need my care and attention much more than my students do.
 
I am not suggesting that we should approach our families as jobs. Jobs are something that we must do. We should look at our families as our passions. We should look at them as something that we enjoy working at in order to have the most enjoyable family life possible. I often find myself checking in with my wife to make sure that she is enjoying our marriage. I make sure I am doing what’s necessary to please my wife. She does the same. I suggest you do the same. Ask your spouse a simple question, “How are we doing?”. Brace yourself you may or may not like what you hear. Listen to them and believe them. They are not “trippin,” that is their perspective and that is their truth. Since they are your spouse and you are one, it is your truth.
 
When many of us list our top priorities we say God, family, careers, etc. Make sure you are being honest. Make sure you treat your family as if they are more important than any job you will ever have. Listen to them and their needs and act on the truth that they share with you. Do that, and they will believe that you truly love them.
 
Be blessed and enjoy your day,
Joel Pearson.