Seeing that we just witnessed the fight of the century, http://espn.go.com/boxing/story/_/id/12810858/floyd-mayweather-defeats-manny-pacquiao-unanimous-decision, I thought it would be appropriate to address fighting in marriage.
When I was a young lad preparing for marriage, I remember reading many articles and chapters in marriage books about fighting. I would read the following quotes and shake my head in disbelief:
“Fighting is normal in marriage.”
“There is nothing like fighting and then making up.”
“A marriage that has fights is real, authentic, and puts issues on the table that need to be addressed.”
I thought, “Why would anyone want to fight with the wife of their youth?” The dictionary defines fighting as “tending or meant to stir up a fight or hostility.” I know many people hold the opinion that fighting is normal, appropriate, and something that happens in all marriages. But, I did not want to take on that worldview. I did not want to expect that fighting would be normal for my marriage. I decided not to consider ‘stirring up hostility’ a normal ingredient to marriage.
So, my wife and I determined 16 years ago that we would not expect fighting to be a part of our marriage. I know this is abnormal advice. Normal advice would tell you that you have to learn to fight fair. Normal advice would tell you that every marriage has fights,i.e. hostility stirred up.
My wife and I desired a different way to handle the conflicting ideas and differences of opinions that are normal to every relationship. We wanted to treat each other as we wanted to be treated.
Here are some ways to have a hostility-free marriage:
1. Bite your tongue
A wise person once said that a great marriage involves people that have a lot of bite-marks on their tongues. During our 2nd year of marriage, my wife hung chimes on our front patio. She thought they sounded wonderful when the wind blew. I thought they were annoying and was frustrated every time I heard them clanging into each other. Because they brought joy to my wife and because I knew I’d get used to them, I never brought my annoyance up to her. In fact, she will hear about it for the first time when she reads this post. What good would it have done for me to bring it up? In mu point of view, nothing. I knew I would get used to the chimes, and indeed I did.
I have so many examples of this. Better to bite your tongue than comment on the trivial things that could stir up hostility.
2. Seek first to understand before being understood
Instead of thinking your spouse is always out to get you or is being selfish, ask them why they are doing what they are doing. Fights often start because people assume the worst or have inner-dialogues about their spouse that eventually come out in conversation.
3. Be kind
My favorite Scripture that gives me guidance in treating my wife is found in Ephesians 4:32–“Be Kind, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as Jesus has done unto you.” I refuse to have my marriage or household have the atmosphere of a boxing ring. Instead, I am determined for it to be a Kindness ring. Kindness is a fight-extinguisher. It pulls the fuse out of conversations that could otherwise flare into fights. Defer to one another. Listen intently. It’s hard to fight when you want the other to win and thrive. And, make forgiveness a habit in the little disturbances. Digging up past disagreements or failures is a sure way to grow a fight.
5. No MSNBC & FOX News moments
If you watch those networks, you’ll believe that if you are a “thinking” person then you will be someone who raises your voice, out talks the other person, calls them names, tries to catch them in a “gotcha moment,” etc. Instead, imagine an interview where there is a true discussion taking place. This means no demeaning or yelling, no twisting words, and only assuming the best about the other person. In any relationship, you can share your point of view and it doesn’t have to end in you hating each other or inferring the other person is an idiot because they don’t think the way you do. Talk through disagreements, share your heart and feelings, listen and try to understand one another. When you have money problems, you can talk through solutions without passing blame back and forth. When it comes to the kids, you can talk through ideas without inferring your way is better. When it comes to time spent, don’t insinuate that the other person is wasting their time.
On Friday, May 8th my wife and I will celebrate 16 years of marriage. In those 16 years we have never had what many people would consider a ‘normal’ heated fight full of hostility. We certainly don’t agree on everything and we certainly share our struggles and feelings with each other. But, our discussions are based on kindness, mutual respect, and seeking first to understand before being understood.
I would like to challenge you to reject the notion that you have to fight with your spouse.
You don’t.
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4 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Out Of The Boxing Ring
