Guest Writer: Amanda Beckham
As you approach your wedding day, you will get lots of advice – whether it is about the actual day, or how to keep a healthy marriage. Below is a compilation of the best advice I received or wish I would have, as I prepared for what was ahead of me.
To my friend, the bride:
1. Make each other a priority. As you enter into this new season, you are going to learn a lot – about yourself, about your spouse, and how you will work together in your marriage. Your first year of marriage is said to be the most important, as it is the laying of a foundation for how you will continue to move together. Know that after you say, “I do,” comes a lot of changes in your friendships and relationships. I want to challenge you to evaluate who you are going to for support -make your spouse number one in your life. Allow him to be your go-to for the issues or frustrations in your life. He needs to know that you respect his opinion and trust him to speak into areas where you sought outside counsel before.
2. Communication is key. A phrase that is often overused as advice going into marriage. So often this is spoken, but most don’t offer suggestions on how to improve it. Remember: men are not mind-readers! Here are a couple strategies that we have found useful in our marriage.
1. Check in with your spouse on a regular basis. Understand that most men are not natural communicators and need a little encouragement to open up and really talk about their day or what is bothering them. My husband and I put aside time every Sunday night to talk about the previous week and if there is anything we can do to better serve the other or love them better. We also use this as a time to talk about anything that has been bothering us. Knowing that we have a dedicated time each week allows for open communication and a safe time to bring up something up to avoid things creating bitterness or wedges between the two of us.
2. If something is bothering you, don’t keep it in. Withholding how you feel about a situation tends to lead up to bottled emotions, often turning it into something bigger than it was meant to be. Sharing with your spouse where you are at may offer a new perspective or a new affirmation that you are not the only one feeling that way. It allows you to be honest with your spouse and creates room for growth.
3. Let him know your expectations. Whether it is housework, budgeting, chores, dinner, pr how you manage your household – it is not fair for you to get upset with your spouse if you don’t let him know how you need his support. Women are planners! Many times men don’t realize that you need help, or it isn’t second nature to them to step up and ask if they can help you with something. If you need help, just let them know! You will find this provides better results and prevents pointless arguments that spawn out of frustration.
4. If you like something in the bedroom, you have to let him know! Figuring out your sex life may take a little work, and may not come as natural as you think. Let me tell you, this is perfectly normal! It is not rocket science to figure out that for the most part, men get more pleasure from sex than women. In order to improve the experience for the both of you, I want to encourage you to talk to your spouse about the things you like/don’t like, and if you are bored with what you are doing, switch it up! A fulfilling sex life is going to take work, and you only get out of it what you put in!
3. Dream with your spouse; give your marriage purpose. At the base of your marriage, remember why the two of you came together in the first place and what you stand for. If you do not have vision for your marriage, the two of you will struggle to find definition of your future together. Make goals, talk about your dreams, decide what you want to accomplish together. It will give you a plan for where you want to go.
4. Manage conflict in a healthy way. As women, we all know it is way easier to be dramatic and expect our husbands to be the one come in and apologize in the situation. Chances are, you and your spouse communicate differently when it comes to conflict. Discuss with your husband how each of you prefer to manage conflict, and develop a way you can compromise and meet in the middle. My husband likes to talk things out on the spot, and I like to leave the room and think about how I want to respond. A compromise for us has been to set a time when we will talk about a resolution for our argument and to come back together and discuss what happened. This has given me the chance to think about what I want to say, and him a guarantee that I will be the one to address the situation at a specified time since I was the one who chose to walk away from the situation at the time.
Just know – it is NOT worth drawing out a fight simply for the sake of being right. Don’t go to bed angry, it’s not worth it. And never call each other bad names or talk poorly about each other – specifically to your friends and family. This paints a tainted picture of your spouse to the closest people around you and involves other people in your mishaps that are not their business. Keep your relationship matters private, with the exception of mentors or trusted individuals that you can rely on and go to for advice.
5. Learn how to serve, and encourage him. The first thing I learned in my marriage was how selfish and stubborn I was. Try shifting your focus off your needs, and reevaluate how you can do more for him on a daily basis. How does he want to receive love, and how can you grow in that? Take extra time to build his confidence up as a leader. Show him that you trust him and respect what he has to say. But most of all, encourage him to be the man he is called to be. Make sure you allow him room to grow and take interest in his interests. He loves them, and he loves you, so getting to share them with you is very exciting for him.
Sometimes that means getting involved in something you are not interested in, but you may be surprised how the sacrifice on your behalf can lead to a renewed joy in your relationship.
My husband is extremely passionate about CrossFit, and as much as I hated it and resisted it for a long time, I realized I was keeping him from doing something he loved and making a big deal out of something that was not necessary. Letting my pride down and taking part in this activity with him has allowed us to grow in it together and has helped me to realize how much it really meant to him. I realized I was smothering the person he was and kept him from being himself out of my selfishness and pride. Since joining the gym, I have been able to watch him excel and accomplish his fitness goals and we have been able to cultivate a community of friends we didn’t have prior. Try this in your marriage and I promise you won’t regret it. So I challenge you, step into his world. Sometimes a perspective switch is all you need.
I hope this advice sincerely helps you be more prepared to have an unbreakable marriage; I know that is helped me!
Amanda Beckham is an Analyst from Lobmard, IL. She is the proud wife of Steven Beckham and a recent graduate of Olivet Nazarene University. In her free time she enjoys photography, working out, and any activity under the sun or at the beach. She is an aspiring blogger, and strives to help other young couples set their marriage up for a success.